Dads & Deadlifts

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Dads & Deadlifts

In this episode of Wild Developments, we engage in a powerful conversation with Rish, founder of Dads and Deadlifts, a podcast and foundation dedicated to supporting men who are survivors of childhood trauma. Rish opens up about his journey from battling alcoholism and depression to discovering the transformative power of fitness, particularly CrossFit, and how this led to his healing and purpose. He shares his personal struggles, including the impact of sexual abuse and the trauma of losing his father at a young age, and how these experiences shaped his mission to help other men through fitness and mental health.

Rish’s moment of awakening came when he heard his son say "Dada" while he was drunk—a moment that propelled him to quit drinking and rebuild his life. He discusses the importance of vulnerability, community support, and rejecting outdated societal norms that pressure men to "man up" rather than ask for help. Through Dads and Deadlifts, Rish is challenging these norms and offering men a space to heal, grow, and redefine masculinity.

Wild Wisdoms:

1. Embrace vulnerability – It's okay to ask for help. In fact, it's a strength.
2. Build a supportive community – Find people who encourage and uplift you during your lowest points.
3. Take small steps to heal – Start with what you can manage, whether it's seeking therapy, getting involved in fitness, or just talking to someone you trust.

Let’s hear your story! Click here to submit your tale.

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Intro & Outro: Bernie Baggs

Transcript

Speaker1 00:00
Before we begin today's episode, I want to give a quick but important heads up. In this conversation, we'll be discussing sensitive topics, including alcoholism, abuse, suicide, gun violence, and human trafficking. These subjects can be distressing. So please listen with care. If these topics are triggering for you, please feel free to pause or skip this episode. Remember to prioritize your well being. And if you need support, don't hesitate to reach out to someone you trust or a professional. There will be numbers for the national suicide prevention hotline, national domestic violence hotline, and national human trafficking hotline in this episodes description.

Speaker2 00:43
I could barely do a 25 year beer call. But what changed it is that I was a dead last in that class.

Next thing, when I looked up on my last round a bear crawl, I was on my knees, I couldn't barely finish it. I still have one full 25 year old back. Everyone, at least I would say 20 to 30 people that box. Everyone was cheering for me, welcome to wild development studio. Join us as we venture into the breathtaking realm of wildlife arts and untamed adventures. With captivating stories from the field and ideas to dive into the visual arts will ignite your passion for conservation,get ready to develop something wild.

Speaker1 01:32
Welcome to wild developments. I'm your guide, Lauren. Today we're diving into a powerful conversation about resilience growth, and the strength it takes to rebuild after trauma. Our guest today is reach founder of dads and dead lifts a pod cast and foundation that focuses on supporting boys, young men and dads. Who are survivors of childhood trauma for each. Fitness became a lifesaving anchor during some of his darkest times. When he began his healing journey through cross fitness, he faced challenges head on, just like dead lifts. An exercise he once avoided out of fear. He learned to ask for help and embrace the difficult work that became a turning point, not only in his finished journey, but in his life, we'll be talking about how dads and dead lifts came to be the role of fitness and mental health, and how reach is helping men rise above the pain to lead healthier, more purposeful lives reach.

Thank you so much for being here today.

Speaker2 02:28
Absolutely 100 %. Thank you for having me.

Speaker1 02:31
You founded dads and dead lifts before we dive into that. Can you tell us a little bit about your background before you started this mission?

Speaker2 02:40
Yes, boy. So I think golden going back. Why? And when did I start this mission? Ii think it started off with my son being born in 2017 December. And right after that, without any understanding next thing, I had been pretty much like mildly depressed. And that turned into alcoholism. At that ., my marriage with my son's mom was also not going well.

When I reached out to my guy friends, all I heard is man up that finally hits me at 37. Because that word, I heard several times growing up in India. And especially at 23, when I lost my dad in 2004 in November, barely 1 hour after they declared my death of my father. Family members started coming in, and I was only barely 23 years old. Didn't understand what's going on. I I should not say I didn't understand what's going on. It's more like finally, realizing like, who do I go to? Everyone, the word that word came up, man up. This is what men do. Don't cry, support your mom, support your sister. I just listened and I went with it. We'll get to that story a little bit in detail, but answering a question coming back to 37 years at 37 year years when I had my son, that's where everything kind of came to fusion. Like I'm like, so I have heard this statement before.

Now my friends are saying it, what did this originate from? What do you mean man up? And I know you or anyone else, right? Like if they listen to a 43 year old man right now, I'm 43. And asking that question seems very odd, right? Like what do you mean? You don't know what man up means. I know what man up means.

Speaker1 05:02
No.

Speaker2 05:03
My quest it went into. Why is that who started it? Why not woman up? Right? I ii had legit questions as stupid, as innocent as it may sound from a 37 year old man. That's where it took me to the journey of where it all originated and how we as men and women have lived in caves, all the prehistory days and how men is to be hunters, women is to be gatherers and the idea of not showing weakness.

But then my question went deeper and deeper, but now we don't live in caves.

Now we don't go hunting. Now, in one word, we are saying me too, movement and like promoting feminism and women's rights, which I'm all about, then why are we saying man up still? And ii couldn't understand the disconnect, and I started questioning that took me to psychologists, historians. I basically, I interviewed a lot of people during cove. I had a lot of time right after the divorce. I realized like this is an epidemic.

And next thing, while my son was maybe about 6 months old, I I was drinking every evening. I remember first time he called me Dada. I was drunk that changed my life. Next morning when I woke up, hung over, got ready, went to work. On my way to work. I realized something like I just missed the only moment that every father or every parent lives for Dada or mama. And I was drunk that propelled me to completely change the lifestyle that I wanted that I had and went into a true, deeper meaning of what life is. That's how it all started dead's and dead lives because when I was going through alcoholism, and when that thing happened, I came home. I'm like, I need to put an end to it and try to understand what's going on. But by that time, sadly, my son's mother already left to her parents' place with my son.

So now as a parent, you were confused. And not only that, let me talk about dad as fathers. We are very confused because a we don't no one tells us about our role for first 6 months or a year because that baby barely needs us. And to be very frank like it hurt me. I'm like, what is my role in all this? Right? I'm putting him to bed at night. I'm picking him up. But really I so there was all of that mixed emotions that came in.

Finally, when there were no one at home, I decided like I'm like, why am I doing this?  I'm not a good father. And I started going to counseling around that time, too. And through all of that, I realized that I was sexually abused as a kid, which I subconsciously or unconsciously never really talked about. The reason I didn't talk about is in India, we grew up in a joint family. If I would have told my dad, my dad would have gone to jail because my dad would have literally taken a very, very, very bad step to hurt those people who did this.

And when I say abuse, I don't mean one time for 2 years consistent abuse. And I wrote that in my book, but doing that therapy, doing the hypnosis therapy, doing end at therapy modalities, it basically was shown to me that your body keeps the score. There's a book on that. This is your body's way of letting that you have a son now. That changed my life. My very first reaction was to do hell with it, end it. You don't need to pass this on to your kid. I planned my suicide for a full month of august of 2018. I planned it. I did everything I wrote, 18 letters to my kid. I've one for each year what he needs to do all that. A letter from a father to a son spend enough time with my dogs. And then in September of 2018 the day I decided to end it. I went to my local gym where I used to work out at to get my last workout as universe would have it. That day the chip didn't work and you have to remember like it's very difficult to make people understand when someone is in that zone.

Sometimes even I talk about that person is me, even I cannot relate to him anymore. 6 years down the line, but I have a lot of compassion for that guy. Right? When I was locked in like 9 ~ 9:30 tonight, I need to end it, but I need a workout before I leave.

I looked up walk in gyms. The first thing that came up, new species cross fit. I never did cross fit in my life. Like what who cares? Just to work out, man, let's get it done. Let's get some sweat and let's get some. So walked in. And while I was doing it, I was crying in the car, literally crying and telling myself the universe. I don't know what this is about, but I'm ready. And I wish I would have found a community like who is like me ride or die. Like I am a person, your weakness and your strength as a human being. When you grow up, I know my strength that if I connected with you, when you call me and it can be in Antarctica. And you said, rich, I need. You. Trust me, I'll be there. I'm that guy. I walked into that Costco gym in the wall. It's written tribe or die.

I still get emotional. I did my workout. I was big guy then. And I could barely do a 25 year beer call, but what changed it is that I was a dead last in that class.

Next thing, when I looked up on my last round, a bear crawl, I was on my knees, I couldn't barely finish it. I still have one full 25 year old back. Everyone, at least I would say 20 to 30 people in that box. Everyone was cheering for me, they stopped their clapping for me. And just shook me. I still haven't found to name that emotion of mine. It's not ecstasy, it's not happiness, it's not joy. It's I still don't know how to explain it. There's a piece of relief, with a piece of anger, with a piece of joy, with a piece of sadness, all of it that came back at the time like, so there are people who believe like me who believe the way I do.

Next thing I didn't go home. I sat there at that box till 9:00 pm or till 8:30 pm, I think till they closed, came home, pet my dogs. And I realized that day like there's more to it. And this is why I always talk about dads and dead lists is because the name came from deadliest is one of the workout that you basically lift a lot of weight from the ground and straighten up and down. It's a compound movement, but it's not a very easy thing to do. And that used to be something I never liked it. I always is danger myself. And I decided that I will take help and learn how to do it, right?

So when I got there, when I started deciding about the name of my pod cast, I said, like what better than dads and dead lifts, because dead lifts taught me how to be humble, how to embrace humility and how to actually really ask for help, not out of my ego, but genuine help. I really want to overcome this and that's where the name signifies that ask for help. There are things that you may not know. There are things you may go and go through, but always ask for help. Trust me. If not, the next person, 10th person will help you, but there are people who will help you.

Speaker1 15:19
You need a community if you're going to get help and you found your community that day, I people don't realize how much just cheering somebody on that small act literally saved your life.

And that gives me chills to think about.

And so I don't even know where to go. There was so much to take in. And that's an amazing story. And so moving, when people go to your page, dads and dead lifts, what kind of resources can they expect to find? What kind of help can they expect to find?

Speaker2 15:57
Yeah, so I think one of the things that I need to do better, I'm not very good at marketing.

Speaker1 16:02
Same,but I have the resources means that when I I started off with lots of basically clubhouse events, virtual events that will hold space, especially during pandemic. That rooms every evening to host men and talk about mental health. So we did a lot of that. And then we also did two world virtual world summit on human trafficking, because it is a pandemic. It's pretty much related to everything. Everything is interconnected somehow, right?

Most of the human traffickers are men. If you go to the bottom of the barrel, you will see that no one's born evil. No one comes to this world thinking that they will do some heinous crime. It's our culture, our society, unfortunate situations of people. And everything else regarding you. You just fill in the blanks on the society and our way of embracing things. When you see these people, when you hear these stories of not only the victims, but the perpetrators and themselves, I always questioned that what was his childhood? How many times had he been told me enough? Interesting fact. I asked this question, everyone. If you go look up all the school shootings, not a single one is female. Why aren't we focusing on that? You can do gun control laws. You can do all that kind of stuff. But how about we go beyond that? Every single shooter in the history of united states are men or boys.

What are we really dealing with here? It's not that no one knows about it. Everyone knows about it. We just decide to not do anything about it. Now people are talking about, but still, it's not nearly as enough that we should be talking about. What I decided is it's I kind of pivoted a little bit while doing all this research is that I wanna start also interviewing women who went through domestic violence, who went through abuse. Because that's the only way you can understand what they went through and how their other partners reacted or acted for that matter.

That's the only way we will come up with solutions. It's far from anything, but at least I know that we all are talking about nowadays. And that discussion starts needs to happen. Every time I hosted, I had been through different events where we were talking about women's seminar, mental health empowerment, versus a men's mental health seminar, or a weapon or an event. I I can tell you, if hundred women show up to an event, you're talking about two or three men show up to that event. If it's just men, the disconnect is right there. And this is what I wrote in my book. Also, me, too, movement is incomplete without men. Because if you cannot teach the other sect of the gender segment, how to express how to communicate and how to be vulnerable. And when I say vulnerable, I am not talking about the dictionary word of vulnerable, like be open to weakness. But when I say vulnerable, vulnerable when you need to be. And that's where I think the magic lies that when both men and women come together, and we all know that men over all these years, through whatever conditioning they had have, decided that we will hold this whole patriarch and egotistic value of ourselves.

Now, our next generation us even are suffering from it. So if us, our generation did not do anything, our next generation, my son, we'll suffer, we'll go through the same thing. The cycle is not going to get broken.

Speaker1 21:27
I gotta agree with what you said earlier that nobody is born evil. It is something that is definitely learn and through experiences. And people can either turn that into something evil or like you had every right to do something horrible and you have taken what has happened to you and you've turned it into something that's going to help other people. You through your lived experience, you're how where the disconnect is and how to try and help other people and get that conversation going.

You're absolutely right. There is not enough talk for men, like, especially when women have a baby, and they talk about postpartum depression. There's some hormonal stuff that goes on there, but nobody teaches the dads what to do and what they're supposed to. They've got a huge role now, too. And they don't talk about that in your book. Breaking up with yourself. The cover image has a broken coffee cup, and emerging from the center is a tree with heart shaped foliage and the leaves are blowing away. What does that image symbolize to you?

Speaker2 22:37
It's so the idea came from. I didn't want to put a alcohol glass to not trigger. That's where the idea came from. That for me. My purpose came from that pain of breaking that habit. The green symbolizes life.

So in your research, did you how do I want to say this? As far as like the man up and where that even came from? I ii picture caveman days and the hunters and gatherers and men going out to hunt if they're trailing game and it gets away and they can't feel their feed their family. I certainly imagine somebody being super emotional about that being out in the heat and spending all that energy.

And that's got to be emotionally totally. I don't understand where we've over the years decided men can't cry in public.

Speaker1 23:55
I think like this question I asked so many times and so many people over last in 4 years, no one knows the answer. It's funny thing. No one knows the answer. And everyone has different stories. But overall,  I feel it like, I think at some kid was disappointed. Upset were crying. And they were given the examples of men and talk about athletics, talk about any hard masculine work and connect that dot to our ancestors in caves, give Mondays, basically.

All I could think of is what if what happened to those days if a kid somehow were playing with rocks and actually smashed his finger? Did someone tell him man up? And then I come back to now I'm like every time I see it, soccer field or any other place, dude. It's okay, man up, come on, get up. It's all good. There is there is a reason for that, and there is a space for that. I do agree with one of the most controversial figures, Jordan, Peterson. Ii completely agree with it, actually not somehow 100 % agreed with it. And that's where I think my next book is, I'm writing my next book, dead man walking curse of the previous generation and the blessing that comes with it, that 100 % men.

The way Jordan Peterson says is I don't know, exact quote, but some somewhere like men should be monsters. Only then they should know they would know the power of that. And that's the only way they would know how to tackle it. So I believe in it, it's the same thing that in Sao Tao principle, they said like, it's better to be a warrior in the garden than a gardener in the war. Right? But the fact is, at what point we teach our men or boys for that matter next generation and how? Because, for example, the group of youth is around cultures and teachers. So if those cultures are teachers are not taught and not educated, it's automatically getting passed down, which is unfortunately that's what's happening. Because no one is talking about it.

But then you go and check with every place. Coaches have taken a different approach. Teachers have taken a different approach, jailers in jail, right? Correction facilities with men, I'm talking about complete. There are signs. There are proof. There are evidence that it changed. So men are human beings. We can change. But that requires everyone to be on. That requires every man to be on board. I talk about this also in that. Imagine back in the day. How in our ad, right? Marlboro men, right? Coming out of the cowboy? Have it got a horse and lit up? Can you imagine that guy walking into a councillor office? Can you imagine that? No.

Speaker2 27:52
No, they wouldn't go that image of the men we have created in us. Like that's our hero. But what if we change the narrative and we create educational material and content in this age of social media that men are crying? It's OK to be expressing. It's OK to be vulnerable. It's OK to be strong at the same time be weak when it needs to be for people who needs you.

Speaker1 28:30
I was just gonna say, I wonder how much marketing does have a role in all of that, because in the very early days of marketing, the color for boys was pink and the color for girls was blue and then it switched.

And but who is the person pulling the strings and deciding this? I think the consumers and this is so funny you brought this up not a lot of people know that, not a lot of people know that and I talk about this in my pod cast in like one of those early pod cast days that marketing have so much of our role to play.

People do not even realize that and it's not about marketing.

I don't want to say it's marketing in a very I don't know on harm way like I feel like it was very deliberate, very intentional, the way the diamonds the diamond became popular like diamond is girl's best friend. I forgot the name of the company. I think DE beers.

Speaker2 29:25
Yeah, be popularized it. That's all.

I forgot if you go back on YouTube, I it's there. I forgot the exact situation, but something happened. And they just like it became like a big deal. And since then it just blew up same thing. Boys wear blue, girls wear I boys wear pink, girls wear blue. I think it's mostly the consumerism and the feedback they switched it. And then that stayed. But my thing always is like, it's not about the colors. I'm worried about, it's about the baskets you are creating with those colors. I'm worried about when we come in, when we were all born, Lauren, if we just close our eyes and just listen to everyone else, we talk about humanity, we are all in one bucket.

If a NASA scientist is looking at us right now, we are a blip in the map, not even. And here we are creating buckets, pink basket, blue basket, this time. Like, why

Speaker1 30:38
is that stuffed cells and fear cells? I heard on Joe brogan that you hear on the news. If you ask anybody, they would say crime is on the rise, crime has been on the down, fall for years and years. Like this is the safest it's ever been and it's just a marketing needs to be more responsible in in what they're doing to our mental health.

But I'm so glad there are people like you that are out there trying to change that narrative.

Speaker1 31:05
Yeah, I think it will take a while. I'll be say, I'll be honest with you. I think I'm just very, I'm not even there. I do local stuff, but I will say that we all need to come together to do this, because this is something that's it will not change if we all don't come together.

Speaker2 31:28
I do have to bring up nature a little bit on my nature pod cast. I do want to I love you,I love your pictures by the way, man you're doing amazing. Iii was like watching it, I'm like thank you. Where is your favorite spot in nature?

Speaker1 31:46
The mountains? And I've never been to India. Does India have beautiful mountains?

Speaker2 31:52
India has a lot of beautiful mountains, as a matter of fact, where I'm from Calcutta, we are from west Bengal state and eastern India.

So 8 hours train ride or 2.5 hour flight, you can see Kantian jungle, the third highest mountain in the world. In dodge ling, dodge ling is called basically, this is amazing. It's called, I forgot what it's called. It used to have a surname, basically, northeast India.

And then Everest is in literally like like 5 hours flight, not even five like 4 hours flight from us. It's in Nepal, but blowing up everything kind of seemed like it's there. But my love for mountain came from running, been hiking and now I'm obsessed, I'm like anytime I any chance I get, I wanna go capture a peak. It's less of a that mountain itself. I think it's the mountain inside of me. I think it just kind of pushes me nowadays.

Speaker1 32:59
That's gonna be the quote for the show right there, the mountain that should be the title, your third book,

Speaker2 33:06
book mountain inside of me. 

Speaker1 33:09
Do you have a favorite mountain in the united states that you like to visit?

Speaker2 33:15
I plan to summit Denali.

I had given myself about 3 years. I'm already planning to, I'm already like training, started getting into more mountaineering side, this that but Denali and rainier are my two targets for sure, by the time I turned 45 in 2 years about 46, maybe.

But all the 14000s and all the peaks in Colorado, all the 14000s slide 14,000 feet.

Speaker1 33:54
Very good. And where can people find your website and all your social media and keep up with what you're doing?

Speaker2 34:03
I you can find me at rich underscore d dot a dot d on Instagram. Also on my website, dads and deadliest foundation dot org.

I also have an Instagram of dads and deadliest and my business urge juice. That's a juice company, but we are re branding ourselves on our 10th year as a wellness brand. And basically encouraging people to remember that gut health is mental health, what you're putting in your body and embracing all the life habits, the right way. Right? That meditation, sauna, ice bath, red, light therapy, nature, walk,

Speaker1 34:50
I am so glad that you're getting your own pod cast because I could sit here and talk to you for hours. You've got so many great endeavors that you're doing.

So before we go, what is one tip? You have for someone that would like to connect with nature.

Speaker2 35:06
The very first thing I would say, when you go to the nature or when you are in the nature, stop thinking, stop thinking about, we haven't been mindful, stop thinking about doing anything, put 1 foot in front of the other. Watch your feet, watch that dirt in front of your feet. I literally do that. I like my first. I'm running 50 miles this Saturday and for a raise.

My first Mile is always like starts with a gratitude. I don't take off, I gotta run my first 50 Mile of my first Mile of any race, or any time in the nature is the ode to the nature and my gratitude to the nature.

Once you're that, I would say, keep you in front of the other. And the biggest thing I would say, look up and watch the green. Trust me, you would feel you were impressed, you were hugged. You will never go back like it. It is exhilarating feeling like you don't need to worry about. I this I have to do that. No, just when you're there, man. Just be there, that's it and just look up.

Speaker1 36:24
Perfect, thank you so much. And until next time get outside and see what develops.

Speaker3 36:30
Thanks for joining wild development studio. We hope this exploration into the world of wildlife arts and adventure has sparked a desire to get outside and connect with something wild. If you have an adventure that's awe inspiring, don't hesitate to share, click the link in the description to submit your story to have it featured on our show or be a guest. Until next time keep connecting to the wild and see what develops.

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Speaker4 37:46
And NASA.