Every heart has a story of love and loss, but not all dare to share it with the world. Embark with me on an emotional odyssey through the complexities of human relationships, as I reveal the highs and lows of my life with " T", a man whose troubled past in Compton wove through our decade of love like a persistent shadow. Our story unravels the truth that our beginnings do indeed shape us, and the struggle to merge worlds apart is a testament to the resilience of love. Together, we'll explore the influence of upbringing on perspectives and relationships, and how confronting past traumas and embracing self-love are vital steps on the path to emotional availability.
Life doesn't come with a manual for handling the fragile threads of human connections, especially those with individuals like T, who find themselves back in society's rush with little to cling to. My narrative continues as I recount the poignant moments of offering a lifeline to T, a former inmate and the father of my child, who faced the cold reality of homelessness upon his release. Through my eyes, you'll witness the profound need for empathy and support systems as I share the story of helping T reclaim his place in the world, navigating the complexities of mental health, and the bittersweet journey of reestablishing a non-romantic relationship.
The echoes of mental illness often go unheard until they reverberate through our lives in unexpected ways. I'll take you through the heart-wrenching experience of dealing with my ex-husband's schizophrenia, where the lines between reality and delusion blur, and the impact it has on our son. In the rawest moments, you'll feel the weight of the unseen battles many face, the strength required to protect loved ones, and the hope that lingers in the efforts to understand and prepare for what the future holds. This episode isn't just a tell-all, it's an invitation to look beyond the surface and find compassion for those whose stories are too often left untold.
Every heart has a story of love and loss, but not all dare to share it with the world. Embark with me on an emotional odyssey through the complexities of human relationships, as I reveal the highs and lows of my life with " T", a man whose troubled past in Compton wove through our decade of love like a persistent shadow. Our story unravels the truth that our beginnings do indeed shape us, and the struggle to merge worlds apart is a testament to the resilience of love. Together, we'll explore the influence of upbringing on perspectives and relationships, and how confronting past traumas and embracing self-love are vital steps on the path to emotional availability.
Life doesn't come with a manual for handling the fragile threads of human connections, especially those with individuals like T, who find themselves back in society's rush with little to cling to. My narrative continues as I recount the poignant moments of offering a lifeline to T, a former inmate and the father of my child, who faced the cold reality of homelessness upon his release. Through my eyes, you'll witness the profound need for empathy and support systems as I share the story of helping T reclaim his place in the world, navigating the complexities of mental health, and the bittersweet journey of reestablishing a non-romantic relationship.
The echoes of mental illness often go unheard until they reverberate through our lives in unexpected ways. I'll take you through the heart-wrenching experience of dealing with my ex-husband's schizophrenia, where the lines between reality and delusion blur, and the impact it has on our son. In the rawest moments, you'll feel the weight of the unseen battles many face, the strength required to protect loved ones, and the hope that lingers in the efforts to understand and prepare for what the future holds. This episode isn't just a tell-all, it's an invitation to look beyond the surface and find compassion for those whose stories are too often left untold.
How personal do I get? I really thought it was. I was months away from this, like I thought it was going to be like way down the line, and it's not. It's here. Let's talk about it the Love you Mishibai podcast. Let's inspire each other. Hi, welcome to Love you Mishibai. I'm Christy Chanel and I'm going to take you through a very personal journey today. I have no notes. I don't even know where to start. I had another subject written out I actually have notes for that one in my notebook today and it was good. It had a good beginning.
Speaker 1:
I feel like it needed still that arc on it and I was going to do some research so that I could finish the episode. I'll finish it in the morning, and so I get up, have my coffee and I open up Facebook and when I'm opening it up I had a notification. So I click on it, I open it up and I see that it's my ex's birthday today. This is a subject that I didn't put in episode two and three. I said I needed to save it for the right time, in the right way, and I wanted to be by myself when I talked about it. I just immediately got sad. So when I saw it was his birthday. I got over his page and he hasn't posted in two years either and I'm wondering if maybe somebody will know what's happened to him. Maybe I started a post. I've been very quiet and private about this whole thing, but now I think it may be reaching a level of I really want to know he's OK. So I start a post and I say have anyone has seen or heard from my ex? Let me know Now. I wouldn't have done that in the past because I just I didn't want to put his stuff out there. I didn't want to put it out there for the world. It's his business. But now I'm worried. So I press post. Ok, go back to drinking my coffee.
Speaker 1:
Now I've got this feeling of sadness over me and I met my ex in Las Vegas and I lived there for five years. Las Vegas in general reminds me of him. The Super Bowls in Las Vegas, so all I can see is Las Vegas, and Las Vegas is the last place that I knew he was. So I decided today was the day that I needed to talk about this. After I posted that Facebook post, I left it out there for like five minutes and then I went back and I deleted it. I was like I can't, I can't put that out there.
Speaker 1:
Let's start at the beginning. I moved to Las Vegas because my dad had moved to Las Vegas and he had started a company there. I had a job, I had things going on, I still had two kids at the time and I was newly divorced, so I was kind of just looking at the dating scene. You know, I was 32, I think, and living in Vegas, the party place to be. I enjoyed some really good nights and weekends that my kids were at their dads, some adulting.
Speaker 1:
I met Tee on Myspace. It said in his profile that he liked to dance and I love to dance and I've always thought it was sexy. When a man can dance, it just does something to me. It did, it probably still does. Who am I lying to? We said that we could meet up. He wanted to take me to a movie. So at Green Valley Ranch they have everything there at this station. It has a casino inside. It's got a club downstairs. It did have a club downstairs, a movie theater, a food court, it's just hotel. It's got everything there. It's so fun.
Speaker 1:
We were like let's go to a movie. Then we picked the Pursuit of Happiness with Will Smith. I told my cousin that I was going to the movies. So go to Green Valley Ranch, meet me down at the club. We'll go, me and Tee, you're going to go to the movies. Meet for the first time and go to the movies. Then we're going to go down to the club and I'll meet you there. If I don't show up at such and such a time, there's a problem. So it was the girl code thing.
Speaker 1:
I remember the movie theater is downstairs from the casino. I was on the escalator going down. I look over and he's standing there. I'm like, okay, I find him adorable. I do, I just found him adorable. I forgot to mention that he has tattoos. Yeah, he's got tattoos.
Speaker 1:
So we go and we sit down and I'm thinking in the movie theater. As we're watching this movie, my body language and I'm actually thinking internally, my body language is facing him in the chair. I'm literally facing him like this it felt so natural to just be with him. It was so just natural. I didn't have any fear. I didn't have any doubt. I knew that I would be with him for a really long time. It just felt right. He was feeling it too as well.
Speaker 1:
So it came to a point where we were together every day oh, lost my hearing. We were together every day, all the time, constantly, and just having fun and falling in love, and it was just everything and more. I didn't really see any red flags at that point. I didn't. I saw someone who I think used to be a bad boy trying to turn into a good boy at least in my mind, that's what I saw Probably not totally correct, maybe partly correct. So we fell in love, we were together for a while and we moved in together. I'm starting to see red flags pop up. So, as I've always done, I push those red flags down.
Speaker 1:
He says to me I've decided I'm not going to drink anymore during the week, I'm only going to drink on weekends. I was like, okay, cool, good, that's fine. I'm not much of a drinker, so it really won't affect me that much. But yeah, that's totally cool. We're in Vegas. You can go to the casino, put a dollar in a slot machine and drink for free the entire night. As long as you're playing on the slot machine or gambling, you're gambling. You can drink Only for an alcoholic or someone that likes to drink too much. Vegas is your kryptonite and it was his, but I just really didn't know it at the time, I wasn't really fully aware, but I told him. I said I'm really glad that you are self aware and you are not going to drink. I think that that is a really brave and good thing and I'm totally supporting you on that.
Speaker 1:
I also learned about some things from his past, which is he's got DUI. A few things pop up here and there. So I'm like okay, why would I judge somebody by their past? I want to judge them by their present. I was in love, yeah. So as we start to move maybe we're out of year now at this point we've been dating. He is starting to drink during the week and I say to him you're drinking during the week. I thought you said you didn't want to do that. He's like yeah, I know he's, I'm fine with it, I don't care, I'm going to drink during the week. I'm like okay, it does cause some fights here and there. It is a problem, not a huge problem, because it's not changing his personality to the point that I am suffering or have a problem with it in any way.
Speaker 1:
At this point I get pregnant. We go through our ups and downs there. I don't know that. It's Too important to really get into all of that. I love him and I want to be with him, and I don't care. At this point I'm pregnant with a child that we made from love and that's all that was entering my mind. I just loved him. His heart, his heart was so big. He just at least that's what it felt like. It felt like I was just sucked up in his love. I was just Surrounded by it. It was comforting, it was everything, and I even cried at one point. I'm like I can't imagine loving anyone more Than I love you. If anyone ever took that love away from me, I don't know how I will go on like that's that type of love where you just Cannot get enough of that person. I was 100% in.
Speaker 1:
I Ended up realizing that I didn't want to raise my kids in Vegas, like I had come there, my dad was there and he had moved back. So now I'm here I think my cousin's the only other family that I have there and I'm like I need to get out of here. I don't want to raise my kids here. I also had part of me thinking this would be a good thing for tea, because the drinking was so prevalent there. The any kind of bad habits you could have were there and I was like you know, I think this will be good for our family. He agreed, I left, I moved to Texas, I got a place, I Got a job, I have a baby boy, trevor. He's four months old. And then Tea comes and joins us in Texas. We start our family.
Speaker 1:
We had different thought processes. We had been raised differently. To give you a little perspective on that, I was raised in Colonia, new Jersey, a very good neighborhood. There wasn't a big crime Situation happening there. It was a good area to grow up in, very happy with my childhood. I was never scared for my life. I was never running from anyone on the streets. It wasn't. It was just a really good place to grow up.
Speaker 1:
Tea, on the other hand, grew up in Compton. Okay, he was, his mom was on drugs. His father killed himself when tea was two years old. Tea really was raised by his grandfather, more or less, and he would run the streets. He was a shy kid. He wanted to fit in, and him and I have had these. We talked so he told me a lot of these stories, but he was a shy kid and he wanted to fit in and he joined a gang and I don't know and joining is more or less getting jumped in but he was part of a gang. He became part of a gang that became his family and you know, he wore that Sign on his body, told me that he's not an active member of that and he wants to Change his life, you know, become a good member of society. And who am I to tell him that he can't do that? I loved him, I believed in him. I Knew he could. I knew he could. It felt safe with him. I Knew, no matter what, I was gonna be safe when we were with him. I never felt scared, I never felt vulnerable. He was my safety.
Speaker 1:
He taught me about things that I would never have learned Otherwise. I am more street smart now for knowing him just those little things that a naive 32 year old wouldn't have thought about. Also, I Grew up Feeling like the police were there to protect me. The police would never let anything happen to me. That was my Thought. So when I would hear him say negative things about the police, I would be Very quick to say don't say that like. What are you talking about? And then I learned From his perspective why he could feel that way. Sometimes the reaction From the police were justified and sometimes they were not. And I learned that that is a true thing that unless you live that life or know someone that's lived that life and is willing to share that information with you, you will never understand and I would not have known that or understood that had I not been with him. These are all things that I that I'm glad I know it's like when you're raised a certain way you kind of have blinders on to what's happening in the rest of the world. I don't have blinders on. I will listen to anyone that has a reason for how they feel. There's a reason.
Speaker 1:
He taught me that when he was with me he didn't, he didn't step out of line as far as the law goes. He didn't do anything To hurt anyone else. He didn't do anything to harm anyone else, he just harmed himself. And when I say that, I'm talking about by drinking. He would drink all the time. If he saw an opportunity to completely numb himself, he took that opportunity. It was something that was a very real and a huge part of his life. I also realized that what we wanted for our own selves was very, very different. You know, I remember one time we were laying in bed next to each other and he said to me I Don't think you understand, my mind is different, my mind is different. And I remember brushing it off, thinking we're all different, all of our minds are different, you know. So it didn't really Really strike me as being weird, I just kind of brushed it off. He said it again later my mind is different in this timeframe.
Speaker 1:
He was a really loving dad and I can say with a hundred percent certainty that he was the best father Type father figure that I had ever been with. He was so good with his son, he was so good and he loved his son so much. Unfortunately, he didn't love himself Even close to that. I didn't know how. How could he? You know, I think I look now and I'm like did he Ever really love anyone? I don't know, I don't know. And and I'm getting ahead of the story he Wasn't there for me emotionally anymore.
Speaker 1:
I felt very alone throughout this Relationship. I'd say we were together a full ten years. So I Really can honestly say I felt alone Eight of those years, but I was so in love with him that didn't really matter. I kept trying to make him love me and love me and love me and it just it was never the same as it was in those first two years. What kind of makes me feel like he loved bomb me. You know, I look at those stories. I'm like he loved, he loved bomb me. He made me love him so much and then he took the that Away from me. So I was never Going to have that love again, just like that, from him ever again. There just wasn't. I didn't know it, but I wasn't. And then he was drinking on top of that and it just became too much. So, yes, we split up a few times during that 10 years, but never really totally permanently. So I had bought him a ticket to go back home to Vegas and he did. He left, he went home. He didn't want to, but he left, he went home.
Speaker 1:
It was on my birthday. On my birthday I was like I'm so done. I cannot handle this relationship anymore. It was bad. It was really really bad and I just didn't feel. I felt like I was always this babysitter. I was always watching to make sure that he wouldn't hurt himself or hurt the kids, because he would be driving and drinking and all that stuff. And I was like I can't, it's too much, like it's causing me to go gray early. I couldn't do it anymore. And he'd always say whenever he got in trouble, he'd do bad things when he was around me and then he blamed me because he did bad things because I broke up with him. Yeah, you know, none of it, none of it made sense. Honestly, he did a really, really bad thing.
Speaker 1:
He was in Vegas and he broke into a home. He was just trying to steal money. He wasn't trying to hurt anybody, but he broke into a home. He was on meth by the way, he now had full blown into meth as well as alcohol and the mother was upstairs with her kids and he went up there to steal jewelry or whatever he was looking for. He came face to face with a mom and her kids, turned around and ran out of the house. It was also caught on the ring camera. His face was on the ring camera. So he got caught and he went to prison for two years. While he was in prison he didn't have any family. That helped him, because while him and I were together. His mother had a stroke and she was also in drugs, so half of her body stopped working. They had to put her in a home because there's nobody to take care of her, and so she wasn't a prominent figure in T's life. So he goes to prison.
Speaker 1:
This is the father of my youngest, so I and of course I still love him. We had split, we weren't together anymore, but we hadn't officially divorced and I think he had been there a year at this point before something had happened, and so he went to prison. I was still putting money on his books so that he could call me and talk to Trevor, but honestly, every time he called me because I had been away from him long enough that my strength and self-love was building in this time while he was there, he is still thinking I am the same person that I was when we are together. And I was knocked. I was changing daily, still put money on his books when I could, and he would write letters. I have box of letters, but I wasn't in love anymore, but Trevor missed him so much so I had to make sure that they kept contact. I didn't know what was going to happen, so I just I had to make sure that they kept contact. I hadn't heard from him in a while. I think we even stopped talking the last six months. He was in prison. I think he was there two full years, it was just he was tired of hitting a wall when he tried to get a motion out of me and I wasn't giving any at that point.
Speaker 1:
He gets released from prison without even knowing he's going to be released, has nowhere to go, because this is how our prison system is. Let's put him on the streets, make them homeless and keep the cycle going so they end up back in prison. Don't get me started. Somebody calls me. That's how I find out. I get a phone call from either his probation officer, somebody I don't even remember, but somebody calls me and says T has been released. Just want to make sure that you're aware and they you know because we're still married. So I get all the information and I'm like, oh my God, where is he? Where is he? What's going on? So I'm like, I'm like he still knows my number. It's the same number. So I was like hopeful that he would be able to call me and let me know what's happening.
Speaker 1:
He does, he gets to the, he walks to the probation office, which is closed. He's able to wait, I guess, outside on the streets for 24 hours. He doesn't have a phone, he has no way to reach anyone. He is out in the Las Vegas streets with nowhere to go. He makes it, he picks up the phone, he calls me and I'm like what is happening? He goes. I don't know.
Speaker 1:
They released me when he went to prison. He was staying at a house that kind of does bad stuff they sell drugs, they do this, they do that. He didn't want to come back on the streets and go back to that house because he knew what would happen to him. He'd end up back in prison and he did not want to go back to prison. He chose to stay out in the homeless shelters instead of going back to that house.
Speaker 1:
Now I'm like, oh my God, the father of my child is homeless on the streets with nothing. I tell my friend this she's like I got you. She had miles for airline miles. So she gets me a ticket to Vegas and within the next couple of days I'm hoping that he calls me so I can tell him I'm on my way, but I don't know. The ticket's been bought. I don't know. He's not going to be flying out there.
Speaker 1:
He goes to one of his friends that he doesn't stay with, but he goes there to meet me. There we go and we stay at a hotel for the weekend and I bring a bag full of things that he may need deodorant, shampoo, a razor, all the important things that he may need. Well, he's homeless snacks. So I'm giving him a credit card so he has money for his bus pass. He's got some essentials, a backpack, things to put things in. It's a start.
Speaker 1:
He can't leave the state. It's not like I can bring him back, get him back on his feet. I can't do anything like that. He's stuck in Vegas because that's where his probation is. So I start working on a interstate compact.
Speaker 1:
So basically what that is. It's me saying I will take care of him if you send him to Texas and transfer him here so that he has a home. That is all I could see. It wasn't trying to get back with him. I wanted to make sure he had a home. I didn't want him to be on the streets. It's Trevor's dad. My thoughts in the whole process weren't that important, but I had rules and because he was on probation, he wouldn't be able to drink because he's going to get tested. He wouldn't be able to do anything outside of go to work, come back to the house, be a dad. Those were my thoughts.
Speaker 1:
So it gets granted. It takes months and months, and months and months. It gets granted he comes to pick him up from the airport. I actually have the footage of this. Attention customers effective immediately. Curtain eyes are for active loading and unloading. Only Pogging is available in the terminal, for oddness and no additional cost. Oh, it's good to see you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. We pick him up from the airport me and Trev and he moves in. He doesn't have hardly any clothes, so I'm buying him clothes. I'm getting him back to being a human.
Speaker 1:
He tells me when he's in prison he's diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar. I start doing my research on these things because I have no idea what that even means. No idea bipolar, because my mom had bipolar, but I had no idea what schizophrenia was. I know I absolutely have no romantic love for this person any longer. It is all pure human love. It is all pure Trevor's dad making sure he's okay. Love, that was it. He didn't quite get that message and I get it because all the 10 years prior I was a different person and so in love and he couldn't do anything wrong and I was going to put up with it and it was all okay. I wasn't that same person, I was different. I wasn't really sure how this was going to work out.
Speaker 1:
He gets a job, I have an old car that I've paid off and I'm and I buy a new vehicle in this time frame. It also COVID happens. So now we're stuck in the house all the time. It was a lot, but I can say this I wasn't lonely, we were all there, I think towards the end of it I'm like I just I'm not, I just need him to go. I'm finding alcohol, beer cans and stuff like that hidden in places. So he was, he was breaking the trust. I didn't want to put up with it anymore. So I was like I can't handle this. I need to make sure. He had talked to somebody one of his friends and they said he could come live with him and I was like, oh my god, this is what I've been waiting for. He has a place to go, because I couldn't really let him go, knowing he would be on the streets. I couldn't do that. So I was having that internal battle with myself Like this is about me too in this whole scenario.
Speaker 1:
I go to work one day and I hadn't quite told him it was time to leave just yet. I was thinking it, I was planning it, but I hadn't verbalized it. I go to work. I get a phone call from my daughter and she says T is talking about suicide. He's talking about suicide with both my kids home and me being at work. I'm like let me talk to him. He get on the phone and I say this is not going to happen. We're going to calm you down. He's like I just I don't want to be alive anymore. I don't want to be alive anymore. He's going through all of these emotions because he's not on his medication. I can't afford all of this stuff that's tied to him. I can't afford it. I'm a single mom of two. I'm trying to get him close. I'm trying to let him use my vehicle and paint for gas. He's got a little money coming in, but it's not a lot because he's a felon, so he can't get a good job.
Speaker 1:
I am now terrified. My littlest son gets up. They're in the living room and I call 911. I call 911 and tell them what's happened. I said I think he's calmed down now. I don't think he's going to actively do it. They said it doesn't matter, ma'am, it's a well check now because there are kids involved. I said okay, fine, I'm leaving my job now and I'm on my way home. They're like okay, we're heading there too. Does he have a weapon? I'm like no, he has no weapon. I get there and the police have him out front. My littlest son is just hysterical, crying, because that's his dad. He doesn't know what's going on. They take him, they bring him to the hospital, they put him on medication and they release him two days later back to my house.
Speaker 1:
Now, at this point, I'm like how do I tell him it's time to go? How do I do that? How do you do that? And this is why I say I know your survival is here, it's all here. And every time I walked down that hallway and saw him sitting on the couch I thought one month, one month he's gone. In one month. I'm gonna be on the other side of this in one month. You can do this every day, every day. It's like manifesting the timeframe in my head. So he's there for a while and everything.
Speaker 1:
He's going to work. I'm telling him you can take my car back and forth to work, the car I was gonna sell. You can take it back and forth to work, but you cannot take it an hour to your friend's house and drink Cannot. It's not going to happen. He does Just that. He takes my car and disappears. I'm at work again and my daughter calls me and she says T was just in here. He was high and drunk and said do you wanna try smoking weed for the first time? And she's no, I don't. And calls me and says I didn't, I don't like that. I go. That was the last time that's ever gonna happen. Period. This is what we're going to do. I am going to buy him an airline ticket right now. He's going to take my car to work and we're gonna have a little plan here.
Speaker 1:
This is where I go into full ninja mode. I go home, he's at work with my car. I call an Uber, took us to his place of employment. We all get into the Ultima, my other car, and we drive back to the house. Now I've got both my cars. I call and make an appointment for an Uber to pick him up at 10 o'clock at night. Okay, you pick him up there and you take him straight to the airport. I've already bought the ticket and I am packing his bags.
Speaker 1:
I wasn't going to pick him up to take him to the airport safety reasons. In my mind I'm like I can't put myself in the same vehicle with him, knowing how upset he's going to be. Not that he would ever do anything, but I wanted to be safe. I'm gonna pack his stuff and I'm gonna meet him at the airport with his stuff and his information to get on an airplane to go back to Vegas, because now I know he has a place to stay. He looks at me, trevor comes with me so he could say goodbye to him. He looks at me and he says you will regret this for the rest of your life. Karma's a bitch and I was like oh God, it scared his own son so much that when he got in the car and we left and went back to the house, he's like mom, lock all the doors. I don't want him to. We don't know if he's gonna get on the airplane. So we were all a little worried at that point. We didn't know what was gonna happen.
Speaker 1:
Turns out he calls me an hour later from the airport and says I gave him $400 cash, which would have been his check already paid for his ticket. I've given him more than what his check will be in my bank account in the next couple of days, but I wanted to give it back to him so we'd have it. So I hand him the cash. He gets there and he's like do you know how much these bags are to get on the airplane? And I was like, yeah, pretty expensive. And he's like, well, they are expensive and I'm not paying for it. And I'm like, okay, this is my way of knowing he's actually getting on the plane. I go I'll pay for one of your bags. He's like okay, so I pay for his bag. I'm able to see that he did get on the plane and did head there. So I now feel better knowing he's there During this time.
Speaker 1:
I'm getting, he's calling, he's texting, he's doing this, but what he's saying and what he's doing is really kind of scary at this point, like I don't understand it. I'm not able to understand it. He's just talking about him being a singer and how good he is and how everybody loves it, and it's like a video of Alicia Keys and he's saying that's him. Weird text messages saying that he's afraid people are looking at him, he's scared, he's lonely. He doesn't and I'm, and I'm like you call me, call me. So he calls me and we're talking like you know.
Speaker 1:
This isn't real. This is all in your head. This isn't real. And he's like no, it is real. You were just here and I said I was gonna buy you a house and you cried and I gave you a ring and I'm like that never happened. That never happened. I don't lie to you. T Do you believe me? Because I don't know what to believe. I wanna believe you and I know you've never lied to me. I'm like I've never lied to you. I've always had your side and I've always had your back. This isn't real.
Speaker 1:
And he is seeing someone. It's a free clinic that he goes to and they talk to him. He's got a therapist and they give him medication. The medication's not really working so well. He tells me that the therapist tells him to focus on the one thing that is completely real in his life and that is his son. That is real. That love and that relationship is real. So focus on that. And he tells me that and I'm like she's 100% right, that is real. He's like let me talk to him. I'm like I cannot. I cannot let you talk to him, not with all the things that you're telling me right now. I don't want to hurt him. When this medicine starts working, I will allow you to talk to him. We need to get this under control first. He then tells me he's fallen in love with someone. Turns out they weren't even real and he is crushed that it didn't work out with this imaginary person in his mind and he's now hiding in, paranoid and scared.
Speaker 1:
He tries to call me on March 22nd 2022. Then he says that is me singing on my posts. Let Trevor hear it. He sends me a video of Alicia Keys. That was April 2nd. I said that is not you T. He said yes, it is no bullshit. Let Trevor hear it. I told you I can sing. I practice 10 hours a day, every day. I said this video is from 13 years ago. And then, april 2nd, he tried to call me twice. No bullshit, christy, that is me. Did Trevor like it?
Speaker 1:
On April 16th I reach out to him and said how are you doing? You don't have a phone any longer, do you? Well, I hope to hear from you soon so I can update Trevor, be safe. He says this is May 5th 2022. What the fuck do I do, christy? I am fucking lost. He said are you okay? If you want to talk tonight, call me. And then he tried to call me at 4.41 PM and I didn't answer. I haven't talked to him or seen him since. I regret that. I regret that extra 30 minutes.
Speaker 1:
Had he waited till 30 more minutes, I could have found out what was going on where he's at, helped him, guided him, shown him. This is new to me, like I've never dealt with schizophrenia before. I don't even know how to work through that. So I reached out to a couple of his friends to see if they'd seen him. He's in Vegas so he could be walking the street. He could be homeless. Most likely he is. I don't know if he's in a hospital somewhere. I checked jails. I checked hospitals, but hospitals can't tell you, like, if he's checked in somewhere to a mental hospital, they can't tell you.
Speaker 1:
I'm not married anymore. When he was here for COVID, I got the papers, I did them myself, I went to court, I had him sign off, you know, and I put no child support. I just wanted to get the divorce over with. I know I'm never gonna really get money from him he never has any so I just took it off of the divorce completely. So we are officially divorced.
Speaker 1:
So if I call a medical clinic they can't tell me anything. I'm not family. They could tell Trevor but I'm not ready to throw him in. He's 15, I'm not ready to throw him into making phone calls and doing that. But I did tell him that when he turns 18, he asks about him. I said I've lost complete contact with him. I have no idea where he is. I feel like he's alive, but I just don't know where he's at. None of his friends have heard from him. Nobody has seen him. So I told him that when he turns 18, we can go together and look for him at hospitals and on the streets. You know we'll do what we can and that's all we can do. We have no idea what's happening.
Speaker 1:
So I follow these things on TikTok and it could be like Las Vegas news and they're talking about different things that's happening in Vegas and I'll look and I'll check the backgrounds and I'll look to see if I can find where he is, cause I just want to know he's safe. I know he was in the wrong mental state when he tried to call me and I know that I did have other conversations with him that show me that he's. The medicine that he was taking wasn't really working for him. I know that you can live a normal life if you have schizophrenia. I know you can. I've seen it. I've seen it. There's a people I follow that have it just because I want to learn more about it. So I want to be able to feed Trevor with knowledge of how to deal with it, how to understand it, cause I still haven't figured it out.
Speaker 1:
He's 43 today and I hope, wherever he is, that he's safe and he's warm and he's okay. And I'll see a homeless person on the street and I'll give him a dollar. A lot of people go get a job, do that. I don't feel that way, cause you don't know what got them there. You don't. It could be a mental illness, it could be. They shouldn't have to pay the price for that. I just can't put him in the same house as me and my kids and know that we're safe, and I have guilt about it. I do. I love him. He's broken and I want him to be safe and it kills me that I don't know where he's at.
Speaker 1:
I don't think Trevor woke up today knowing today was his birthday. I don't think so, cause I didn't. I hadn't even thought about it. I'm afraid to put too much out there because I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to embarrass him, but I'm worried. I don't know what else to do. I feel like I should put that on Facebook, but I'm really not sure if I should or shouldn't. Would you May 2022 was the last communication that anyone has had that I'm aware of with him. How long would you wait before you put it and made it public that you want to make sure he's okay?
Speaker 1:
When to walk away from someone with a mental illness and this is from buy in mental health Loving someone with a mental illness requires a great deal of patience, compassion, understanding and a willingness to recognize that Sometimes you're going to be giving more than you get, but sometimes the giver hits a point where they have nothing left to offer. What then If you have got a loved one with a mental health disorder, you may be constantly encouraged to never give up on them. But what about you If you are currently going through this internal struggle? Below are the signs that can indicate when to walk away from someone with a mental illness. That might help make things more clear. So I'm going to read it. See if I did it at the right time or not.
Speaker 1:
Mental illness and relationships. Whether it's a friend, parent, wife or husband with mental illness problems, loving someone who struggles with their mental well-being can be difficult, especially if you have never personally had a similar experience. It can be challenging to relate to how this individual is feeling and therefore empathize. My mom had bipolar, but it's different. This is schizophrenia and I've never, yeah. What's more, mental illness is often easy to conceal early in a relationship. That's 100% the case in my situation.
Speaker 1:
In some cases, the individual is high functioning and can temporarily keep a reign on their symptoms, especially in a new relationship. The person they are dating may not even realize that they have a mental illness or understand how that illness may affect a relationship over time. Unfortunately, especially in romantic relationships, the individual whose spouse is mentally ill will experience physical, emotional and financial abuse. While this is not to say that mental illness makes a person abusive in any way, in many cases, especially in those where the individual doesn't want to get professional treatment, challenges like abuse are more likely to occur. While loving someone means you are choosing to support the individual through their struggles and accept their mental illness, you also must remember that you are not responsible for the individual's condition. Ultimately, only that person can choose whether they want to seek help and learn how to properly cope with their symptoms and to be accountable for their actions. Recognizing can further clarify when to walk away from someone with mental illness.
Speaker 1:
I'm not going to get into what physical abuse is, because I think we all know what those signs are. I'd like to think that, anyway, if someone is hurting you, physically hurting you, that's physical abuse. Mental abuse, though, can be a little bit more cloudy, so I'm going to read those and see if they can relate for me and maybe possibly freak you if you're in this type of situation, criticizing you for not completing tasks how they want them done Maybe if he was drinking, but not normally Demanding you spend all your time together Nope, expecting you to put everything aside to meet their needs. No, expecting you to share their opinions. No, making unreasonable demands Not really. I'm telling you he hasn't fit any of this so far. Blaming you when anything goes wrong yes, 100% all the time. Name calling and using abusive language and speaking to you, being fun at your insecurities or finds ways to humiliate you. No, withholding affection to punish you when they do not get their way yes, this was huge all the time.
Speaker 1:
He did it all the time. All the time. Your cries, complaints and concerns are not enough to produce any apology or remorse from them. Yeah, I think for me it was more about him being the victim and making me the villain. Majority of the time he would get emotional and cry and use that as a way to make me listen and believe him. But I got to the point after 10 years of that of being like do not even cry, don't even. I don't even know. That's not going to work on me anymore. You feel bad for them. This is a big one, this is a really big one. I felt bad. I didn't. I couldn't just cut them off like that. Yes, threats of suicide I was afraid he was going to kill himself. I was afraid that I would be blamed. It would be my fault because I didn't want to be with him anymore and his dad had done it. I knew it was possible. Yeah, that was a big problem for me.
Speaker 1:
It was a big worry for me, particularly if you are in a romantic relationship with someone who is mentally ill. You do not want to stay in a romantic relationship with them simply because you feel bad for them. Their disorder does not mean they should be pitied, as individuals with mental illness are perfectly capable of doing extraordinary things, 100%. He still was worried, though. Pitting them can be a sign that you no longer see them as an equal partner, but as someone inferior or who needs to be cared for. This can gradually bleed into the realm of enabling and codependent behavior if you're not careful. Instead, you can remain in their life as a friend, which is what I'm trying to do if I could find him. But be honest with them about how you are feeling. If you are worried about how it may affect them, encourage them to go to a family, friend or couples therapy.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, we're obviously going to cover more on this topic. I'm obviously going to keep you up to date as to what I decide to do. I don't know. I'm going through it right now, but I wanted to share the story because, as a parent, it breaks my heart that my son has to hurt. It's not fair to him. If you are in love with someone that has a mental illness, I know it's a struggle. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay Whether that person that you love that has a mental illness is your friend, your family member, your spouse, your child. You're going to be okay. I just want to tell you that I am going to make sure that this next episode I put out is going to be happy. That was the original plan for today's show was to be happy. I knew I had to cover this because to understand why I do what I do, you need to understand who I am and the things that I've gone through. Mental illness is a big part of that, with my mom having bipolar and my spouse having bipolar and schizophrenia. I don't know a lot about it. I know what I know. I know the experiences that I've had being on the other side of those things. That's the main message here it's going to be okay. I will see you back here next Monday. Love you, miss you, bye. Love you, miss you Bye has been brought to you by Kristi Chanel LLC, but if you're looking for more information or want to follow us on social media, go check out KristiChanelcom.
Speaker 1:
All the podcasts are streamed there and the YouTube episodes are there, so why not? You can also listen where all podcasts are streamed. This includes Apple Podcasts and Spotify. And lastly, thank you to you. Yeah, you, the one that's listening or watching. I appreciate you so much. Love you, miss you, bye.