Date Rape, Consent, and Surviving Childhood Trauma - Part 2

Haunted by a chilling encounter from my youth, I peel back the layers of personal safety in social settings, revealing how a close call transformed me into the protector of my circle, always sober and vigilant behind the wheel. Through heartfelt anecdotes, we navigate the murky waters of teaching our children to safeguard themselves, and the profound implications this carries into adulthood. This episode is an unflinching look at the lessons etched into our being from the experiences that shake us, and how these moments shape the counsel we pass on to the next generation.

A confrontation that I once shied away from comes to light, as I recount the harrowing tale of calling out my rapist. It's an exploration of the all-too-common guilt that plagues survivors and the deep-seated myth that vulnerability is an open invitation for assault.  It's a raw discussion about the jagged path to closure and the strength discovered in the echoes of our truths.

In the closing chapter of our odyssey, Pheobe James, discusses the familial bonds and the soul-crushing void left by parental addiction and the search for those fleeting moments of connection that we yearn for. We plunge into the emotional whirlpool of coping with a loved one's terminal illness, the choices it forces us to make, and the profound metamorphosis that follows. This is a tribute to the indelible marks left by loved ones, like Freddy, whose tales of love, struggle, and enduring legacies provide a beacon of understanding for anyone navigating the complexities of relationships and loss.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

The Lovey Mischie by podcast. Let's inspire each other. In my situation, I went to a, went out with my friend and we went over to this guy's house and he had it was like a party more or less. There was drinking and there was smoking and there was things going around Nothing that was really out of the norm for a party that you're going to, you know, at 20. No, maybe I was 19. Anyway, so I met this party.

Speaker 1: 0:34

It was an abnormal, but the way I was feeling was abnormal. I was so gone that I couldn't even really move my body. It felt really, really heavy and my friend ended up leaving because she liked the guy and she was out of there and left me there and ended up staying there. And you know it was a situation of a lot of no's and a lot of not listening and a lot of regret on my part because I allowed myself to get there. And in the last episode, one thing I did want to pull out was I don't drink a lot out. You know I'm more comfortable drinking in my own home and I'm more comfortable just just I can. I'm more relaxed, I feel safer and I think it all stems from that. So I've always been the designated driver after that and I kind of was before that. This just enhanced something that was already there and validated any feelings of not feeling safe and feeling out of control sometimes. You know, I don't like feeling like that, so I don't know. I hope I'm explaining that right. It okay, yeah. So I'm more the square in the group and it's not because I necessarily want to be, it's just it's a self-protecting type thing and I think it's.

Speaker 1: 1:53

I think it's done me well because it's kept me out of a lot of trouble that I've probably would have been in, because I mean, who doesn't like to party and have a good time? You know, I just have that safety mechanism that kicks in and I think I've kind of passed that on to my kids a little bit because I I'm an example to them for that and they notice it. So if I have one drink and we're at a restaurant, I'm just talking like a drink, like a margarita, they look at me because it's outside the norm and they look like are you going to be okay to drive, like they always go, they hyper it's? It's obviously. Yes, I'm okay to drive, it's one, but that's good.

Speaker 1: 2:31

I would rather them question me and make sure I'm okay, because that means they're going to question themselves and that means they're going to question their friends and I'm down with that. So I'd rather be a little bit overboard on that situation. But we were also walking into more of your conversation at the time of the cutoff and I'm trying to remember you had gotten date raped by a clean cut white bread type guy.

Speaker 2: 3:01

And you know we were huh.

Speaker 2: 3:04

Yeah, that's where we were, we were deep in and I know at the time I wasn't going to go into much detail, but it's actually good. We had some time in between the episodes because I listened to it and I was able to like notice things that I was just glassing over, like you said, and I feel like that's where people are going to really connect. Yeah, that's right. So I wasn't going to say much about that, but now I'm like no, I should, because I think it's it's relatable for a lot of women. I mean your situation you were drinking and you know someone took advantage of you in a the most major way. They're, you know, like total breach of trust, just like that's rape.

Speaker 2: 3:41

And for women it's so hard for us to say whether it's rape or not because we kind of blame it on ourselves, like you even said, like I was upset with myself for even getting into that situation, but that doesn't mean it's your fault and that's kind of what we as women do a lot of times. You know where it's like when you think of rape. It's like, oh, it's a stranger you don't know and he's holding you down and he's forcing you and you're screaming, and then that's what rape looks like. That's what a lot of people think and like. That's not what it usually is. It's usually more subtle, like what you went through or like what I went through, and so that's why it's like I should talk about it, but um good point, Cause you play it down Like I'm playing it down.

Speaker 1: 4:15

I literally wanted to refilm it because I felt like maybe I played it up too much and I'm like but, wait, it really is. It really is it happened.

Speaker 2: 4:24

I said no, you said no and you weren't gonna, even if you said yes, you weren't in a place to save that, but you said no, you know you still had the cognition to say no and they, you know, took advantage of the fact that you couldn't fight back at that time. Probably you were too drunk. You were probably going in and out of consciousness at that point. Yeah, I was, yeah, so, and then you don't drink often, so it just it hit you and for me it was. It was the similar, it was similar. It was a very gray thing and you know we talked about it because you said you had a chance.

Speaker 1: 4:54

You ended up confronting your rapist, right Like tell me what you didn't go into that I didn't okay. Yeah, I forgot. That's the most important part of the story.

Speaker 2: 5:03

That's also a difference in our stories, and I want to hear yours, and then I'll kind of go through what happened with mine.

Speaker 1: 5:07

Okay, so I, you know, I left there. I never saw him again, I never talked to him again, I never thought of him again. You know, it was gone. And then, randomly, I started dating this guy and he was friends with that guy. So I'm over there and he's mentioning this name and I know this name. I'm like what, hold on, you know him. And he told me, yeah, he's one of my best friends, I know. And I'm like, okay, well, he raped me. And that's the first time I ever verbalized it, like I, it was here, but it was never there. And he's like what? And I'm like, wait, wait, let me rethink what I just said. Yeah, I'm accusing somebody of something. You know, I needed to be sure what I know. I repeated the words again. I said he raped me and he was like well, let's go talk to him, Shall we? He's like I want to hear what happened. I'm like, okay, let's go. So we went there and he introduces us. And he's like I think he remembers me. And I was like, yeah, he, he, he raped me.

Speaker 1: 6:11

And of course, he started to fight that conversation. I did not what are you talking about? I did not. I said, well, let's replay the whole thing back and I start talking through the whole thing. I said I couldn't move. I said no, and you didn't stop and he couldn't fight me. He wasn't able to come up with any excuse why I was wrong and he was right. So he just basically acknowledged that he didn't see it that way at the time and he is sorry that it came out and came across and all that happened and I guess I accepted his apology. I told him that. I said I'm never gonna forget this. We're not friends. I just needed to tell you how I felt. It's more for me than it is for you. Now you can live with the fact that you did that. Wow, yeah, and that was it.

Speaker 2: 7:02

Have you ever seen him again, or anything?

Speaker 1: 7:05

No, but I heard about him through because I still okay. So the guy was cash and I've known cash since I was 20 and we still text and talk now and so I would hear little things about how he was doing and he never went on to do anything great. He's kind of a loser actually. Hey, karma's a bitch man. I could tell he genuinely felt badly for whatever that's worth. I really could like holy shit, because I think he was just as wasted and I'm not giving him excuses. I'm the type of person that wants to see both sides of a story, you know and he didn't fight me on it, which gave sincerity to what he was saying. Not that it's right. I don't want people to take it the wrong way, like I'm validating him, doing that. I'm just trying to understand it. I feel like I learned in that situation and I'm glad I got a chance to do that. And, as you were saying, you didn't get that, do you think that would have changed anything for you had you had that moment?

Speaker 2: 8:09

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 8:10

I don't think so no because maybe, if I explained so, what happened was it was a guy I'd been dating and we'd had a couple of dates, and I stayed the night with him after one of these dates and we did have sex that night. After that night, we did Next morning I get up to leave, and he wanted to again, and we didn't have condoms, so I was like no, I don't want to. And that is what happened. Is that it turned into you know, no, I'm serious. And him like, yeah, you do, and he made it playful at first, and so I'm like no, really. And then the next thing, like he's wrestling me on the bed, but he's still acting like it's playful. And I'm like no, seriously, no, I don't want to. And I'm like wrestling him back.

Speaker 2: 8:53

I'm still not screaming or doing any of that classic things you think you're supposed to do, though and he ended up ripping the buttons off my pants. I remember ripping my pants, like ripping the button off and like got my pants off and spread my legs apart, all in just like this wrestling it's all in the name of wrestling, even though I'm saying no and I'm saying stop, like no, I got to go, please, let me go, please, you know, and then when he got to the point of like ripping my pants off and seeing that I think this is a difference in me and what I've been through in my past and where I didn't keep fighting, at that point, once he got my pants off, it was like I just shut down, like yeah, it's gonna happen, because that's you know, it was like I didn't, I'd haven't always had like to where my body's my own and I haven't always had a boundary, or you know, I guess is what the word? Like I didn't realize that I could still keep fighting, like I just shut down and went somewhere else. Like Kyle, that's what I did when I was a kid. Like I just shut down and kind of let it happen at that point, cause fighting wasn't working. So that was my, you know, escape, that was my defense mechanism was just shut down and get it over with. And so I didn't really realize I was raped at the time. Like when it happened I just got dressed and left really quick, like I'd want nothing to do with them and I just left and I was thoroughly freaked out.

Speaker 2: 10:09

And I was young, I was only like 22. And I had so much sexual trauma already. You know it's like I didn't. So I just left and felt horrible and dirty and like just all the icky things, and I was really bothered.

Speaker 2: 10:24

And, like I said, at the time I still had my guy, my ex, my high school sweetheart guy that was here and we were, you know, always on and off, and his cousin came over. I know him, I remember him, and his cousin came over a couple of days later and she just knew I was off, Like something. I was upset, you know. She could tell, and she's just kept saying, phoebe, what is going on, what is up with you? And I finally told her, cause I was like I was upset and I hadn't talked to anyone about it, and she's like asking me what is going on. And I trusted her enough to tell her and she was just like Phoebe, you're raped.

Speaker 2: 10:52

And I'm like, well, no, like no. She's like, yeah, you were. And I'm like, well, you know, it was like I had to think, like I guess I was like I could say no. I did say no and he didn't listen and it, so it was very gray for me. And so now I like I said, now that I'm an adult, I'm like, oh, that's what. That was 100% Like I just didn't. Just because I didn't keep fighting and I stopped fighting at a point doesn't mean I gave in or like I wanted to, I still didn't.

Speaker 1: 11:22

I just fighting wasn't working and I stopped fighting too, phoebe, so I had. That's why I, that's why saying it for the first time was very, very real, because I'm like I'm about to accuse somebody of something and I kept doubting myself. I'm like, no, I was very clear many, many times no, and just wasn't listening. So I think that, yeah, I mean no is no means no, no is no. I'm not. You know, I'm no. I'm making it sound like it was an easy confrontation. When I saw this guy, it wasn't like I know, it wasn't really nervous.

Speaker 2: 11:59

I mean it says a lot about you and your character that you knew and you felt. I mean, I think it's about like what I was talking about, that validation, like when you mentioned, you know, when you're a kid and you're molested and your parents validated you and said this was not right, christy, and we can, let's, what do you want to do, we'll stand up for you. And and when I was, it was just like to move on with life, like just figure out how to keep getting by, and so that's, that was how I handled it. And it's just like thinking about the different ways people are handle things and how for survivors. You know, it's just like I'm sure there's going to be people that hear this and some went one way and some went the other and we're both here and, like you know, we're the two different examples. And after that I did start developing boundaries, that kind of let me know, like I can't have boundaries and and I did get more. You know, this is my body and I can't say no. So it did help me with that a little bit.

Speaker 2: 12:50

Just this week I randomly I was looking for a photograph and I got my old chunk out which has like all kinds of old stuff, you know, like the old your old school stuff, pictures your parents say for you or whatever those types of things, just old things. And I found a box of cards like and I was just kind of sorting through it really quickly because I was looking for picture, the specific picture that I just can't find. It is driving me nuts. And and when I was flipping through that, the bottom one was like it was an envelope, it was a card, I can tell, and I looked at the address, like it just popped out at the very, it was the bottom of the stack and when I looked at it it was to my mom when she was in treatment and the like. The return address, like it was my handwriting as a kid. And so I'm like, oh shit, this was one of her first trips to treatment. And I opened the card and I just after reading it, of course I just started balling and I honestly was like this is probably something, like this is stuff I should talk about.

Speaker 2: 13:48

Because again, I glossed over and made it sound like, oh, my mom got clean and it was like not that simple, you know, just like what you was saying like in front of him.

Speaker 2: 13:57

You say it in an easy manner. It wasn't easy and again, this is really the details that are going to mean something to somebody, probably because, you know, I it just was a lifelong disease and even though now now she's been clean like I said, this was her 40th year it didn't just like she got clean back when I was a kid and then that was that and that's you know what you kind of hear and that's how I make the story sound. But like I remember how hard it was still with her getting clean when I was a child and then after that it just was like a pattern of, you know, she'd get close to relapse again or she'd get close to suicide and she'd end up in treatment again, and that was part of what happened after. Like that was where it just continued when I was a kid and we didn't go into that and I really was thinking I should rewind a little and talk about that.

Speaker 1: 14:42

You got to tell us what the letter what you read.

Speaker 2: 14:45

I was writing her car, like I said, dear mom, and at the time, mind you, she's, she's in treatment, you know that's at least 30 days, 30 to 60 days. I'm in, I'm in elementary school and my oldest sister is maybe 19. She had a kid at this point. She, she got pregnant young and had a kid at 17. So she probably was, you know, 18, 19. And she's the one that's just having to take care of me and my other sister while my mom's in treatment, which that's kind of a big load, you know.

Speaker 2: 15:12

So it's like a lot more of her having to be a mom. So it was me writing her just saying like I'm probably going to cry again. You know, like mom it was, so I was so happy seeing you last weekend. I can't wait to come visit again.

Speaker 2: 15:28

The thing that got me, though, because I just said when you, when you come home, do you think we could go for more walks and talk? Like, could we go for walks and talk more often? That's what I asked in the letter was not, like you know, for my son, if I was gone to work for a couple of days, he's going to write me a letter and be like when you get home, could you buy me a fortnight game? You know, you know kids now. But it was just like the simple like all I wanted. Like, when you get back home, can we just go for a walk and talk more? Like again that just can I have a little bit more of your attention when you get home?

Speaker 2: 16:03

It was just. It was hard to read it, because I was like that is what I was Caleb's age right now, literally right now, that's. If I hadn't got got it together the way I did, it could be Caleb writing a letter like that to me and that just would break my heart to think of him doing it. And now, now that I can put in a perspective like that, it breaks my heart. Even for me, as you know, like the, you talk about your inner child. Like it breaks my heart.

Speaker 1: 16:24

You just wanted. You just wanted your mom you know you just want a time, real time.

Speaker 2: 16:30

Mm, hmm, but it was just like I can't wait. Hopefully I can come visit you again soon and, and when you get home, that was the sentence. That was like, oh, I was like gut punch, like oh God, yeah, that was all I wanted back then. And the treatment thing, would you know, like I said, it was a cycle. She went away quite often, you know, even as an adult, she would have to go away again. You know, it was just like that's. She'd have to do that to keep herself sane and to keep herself clean. And you know so it was almost like taking care of herself was still what kept her away from us, even, you know, once she started doing that.

Speaker 1: 17:04

So did she have? Do you have any letters from her where you're able to see any kind of return?

Speaker 2: 17:10

I couldn't find any. But my mom was always when she was home. She was always good about leaving me nice like notes and car. She would always write me notes. She'd do that a lot and you know, especially once she got out of college and started being a counselor herself and you know, further along in her recovery she would do her best. You know she'd leave me notes about how lovable I was. It was like she knew what to say to me. But by then I was just so damaged that you know you weren't really receptive.

Speaker 2: 17:36

No, or it was just like, yeah, I didn't the day, like yeah, I was already the way I was, you know, so it was helpful from her, but it was still, you know. But the other things I saw too was letters from my dad and that was something that you know, I kind of left off in the last podcast, like yeah, they got a divorce and you know, once we moved I didn't really see him, which that was true Once we moved. I never saw him. When we moved to the town that was 30 miles away, that was far too far for him.

Speaker 1: 18:10

That's how far Like it's like my dad is right now.

Speaker 2: 18:12

I thought that's where we moved, like 30 minutes away, and back then it was so far. But now I'm like, fuck her. We were 30 miles away but even though I never saw him, he was still. He come every now and then he'd want to get me for spring break or, you know, maybe a couple days in the summer, and my mom would make me come, like go, even though she knew the history there, because she didn't want him to ever be able to say like that my mom was at fault or she just was like I don't want to.

Speaker 2: 18:43

If he, I'm going to let him be a dad as much as he wants to be a dad, kind of, I guess. And I have all kinds of cards and letters from him that he would write me and send me after the divorce Sounds nice, right, the fucking cards, like now, as an adult again reading them there, heartbreaking for it. They'd be. It's just like I see now, like why? So he would write cards and it would always just be like I love you so much, honey, I wish you'd come see me. Hopefully your mom will let you come see me or you'll come see me. It's like, bro, you're a fucking adult.

Speaker 2: 19:15

How are you writing to your child saying I hope you come see me, like it was my fault? I'm seven, how the fuck am I going to come see you? So yeah, I was like I still have those letters and cards and I do remember some of the times she, you know I go stay with them. I remember one, but let me rewind because I could still. I remember one of the trips that I went and I found out he was abusing the other lady's daughter because I was asleep in the living room. Like I was sleeping in the living room and I woke up and saw him coming out of her bedroom and going back into his girlfriend's room. But again.

Speaker 2: 19:47

I am a child and I know I just lay there like frozen, like please don't come in here, and I never. But the lady, she did find out eventually you know she's late she found out and she did leave him and it was crazy because she did live.

Speaker 2: 20:03

Yeah, she left him. She left him. She didn't press charges, but she left him. And now that girl I know her she's like strung out and I mean it's just sad because it's like I don't know if that was why. I don't know, you never know what plays into things, but it's just sad that and I know that you know and so that he played a part in her story too. Yeah, basically. And then he ended up marrying another lady and she had a daughter, do you think he targeted that I? Don't you know what.

Speaker 1: 20:33

I mean.

Speaker 2: 20:34

So he ended up marrying this next lady and I remember this was the last visit I had. It was when I was in sixth grade. I went and spent spring break with him and he was just like a dick to me. He was also mean to me. It was something he was. He was really mean to me just in general.

Speaker 2: 20:48

I'd be on the phone to him and I would be half listening to him because of what he was saying and I just remember he called me and he was drunk. Him and my uncle were together and they decided to call me and so I remember I'm writing on a piece of paper just kind of doodling, to like kind of zone him out a little bit, but still listening and talking, and I remember writing like drunk as a skunk on the paper because he was drunk and my mom came in and she saw that and she's like your dad's drunk. You're talking to him drunk right now. He's drunk right now. Like she was pissed because she's clean at this point. You know, yeah, she's been off drugs for several years.

Speaker 2: 21:20

She got pissed and she grabbed the phone and it was like as soon as she grabbed the phone from me I just started bawling because I had been holding it in, basically Like sitting on the phone. I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm just you know, I'm not paying attention. And as soon as she grabbed the phone, I just start bawling and my mom like started yelling at him, like, just you know, cussing him out or whatever. And then the next thing, I know, his wife got on the phone. I know that Like somehow I'm not going to say her name, but somehow she ended up on the phone and I just remember my mom yelling and yelling at her and saying check your daughter, check your fucking daughter, like, check your daughter. I remember my mom yelling over and over, yelling in the phone Check your daughter, check your daughter, don't fucking yell at me, check your daughter, ask your daughter.

Speaker 2: 22:04

And I was just like, and then hung up and she was like Phoebe, you don't ever have to go see him again, Like I don't care, it's up to you. Like I never went and stayed with him again. I saw my dad and I remember once in like the parking lot of a grocery store and I like duck, like oh fuck, I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk to him. Like my step sister would reach out to me every now and then and say, like you really need to call him. He's changed. Like he's different, he's not drinking as much. You know, you guys should really try to work on things, and so that would prompt me to be like all right, and so you know I might call and we might have a couple of conversations, and that you know it was usually fizzle out pretty quickly because he wasn't going to put forth a lot of effort.

Speaker 2: 22:43

There's more to this, of course, so this whole episode is going to turn into my dad. That's obviously where the heart is. My oh for sure. I had a good friend I went to school with and I was up visiting one weekend and we were talking about so basically, her husband was good friends with my step sister's ex-husband. They weren't married anymore.

Speaker 1: 23:04

All right, stop, let me. Let me Okay this friend. How old are you in this friend at this point You're talking Like early 30s. Okay, so this is fairly in adulthood.

Speaker 2: 23:16

Oh, this is an adulthood. This was, after all those incidents, okay, so I was done done, I'm in a better friend.

Speaker 1: 23:22

Your friend is what, who has a how she.

Speaker 2: 23:25

My friend and her husband's. Like I went to school with both of them, okay, uh-huh. And then her husband who, like I said, I know him too. He is best friends with my step sister's ex-husband Wow.

Speaker 1: 23:38

That's a connection.

Speaker 2: 23:38

So my steps, him and my steps are had kid. They had two kids together. They had a girl and a boy, and I would see pictures of them on Facebook and I would always wonder and worry about my dad with the kid.

Speaker 1: 23:49

Okay, so you see where I'm going. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 2: 23:51

So they were talking about, like them getting a divorce and he's having a hard time with, you know, the kids.

Speaker 2: 23:57

And I'm like man, I I'm just gonna say this. I was like, cuz I saw pictures of them on Facebook, like I had saw. It was a picture. I saw my dad with those two kids, the grandkids he caught. Consider him his grandkids, even though they weren't you know. I Saw a picture of them together and I remember it just made my stomach turn like and also because the little girl looked, you know, she was just a little chubby, brown-haired girl and and I just made me sick when I saw the picture of them.

Speaker 2: 24:25

And so my friend is talking about them getting a divorce and him having the kids. And I was like, look, I'm just gonna say this. I said you do what, you know, I just have to get this off my chest. I said, but does need no, like doesn't need to have those kids around him anymore. I'm just gonna say, you know, I'm like this is what happened. And I basically laid it out and told her like my dad is Chester's Tom Alester, like he's a fucking Chester, like do with it what you will. You know, cuz she's like, well, can I tell him and I'm like I don't care. Yes, tell him I don't care, cuz she's like can I tell him like juice, you know? Like, ooh, fuck that. Yeah, tell him. Tell him, yeah, and she did and and he said something, but then it turned into like oh, phoebe's lion, you know, phoebe was lying, that never of course.

Speaker 1: 25:08

What else is he gonna say? Oh, of course I did it, yeah, so and then what happened?

Speaker 2: 25:16

So that just officially, like I don't know what happened with them, they said, oh, I am. That was that fast forward to a couple years later. My dad is dying. He has cancer. My sister's not reached out and told me nothing, but his old friends have reached out to me now on a Facebook and said like, hey, david, your dad, he's in the hospital, he's sick, he's gonna be dying soon. You should probably, you know, reach out to him and I'm pregnant with my son and so I'm 35 and I'm like, okay, you know, I'm still all the shit we've been through. I'm still like, okay, I'll give him, you know, let me call it. Like, yeah, my dad's dying, it is my dad. Once again, you know, that's the only dad I have. I'll call.

Speaker 2: 25:54

I don't want to regret, I don't want to have regrets. Let me call. This fucking set mom answers and I say, hey, I'm trying, you know? Hi, this is Phoebe is. Can I talk to my dad? He can't talk right now. Okay, well, can you let him know I called. Yeah, I'll let him know. Do you think I ever hurt? Like that was that never heard nothing again. Like she wouldn't give him the phone. Like I think I called again. Maybe I know she wouldn't give him the phone.

Speaker 1: 26:15

Do you think it's? She was mad because she heard about that conversation.

Speaker 2: 26:21

So I didn't connect it at the time but I, yeah, later was like that's what it was. So I just had my son. He was three weeks old. My dad did pass, you know, I had a C-section, my kids three weeks. I'm like I'm not driving six hours to go to this funeral At this point, my aunts even reaching out to me, which I never had a relationship with them, but she's also, like you know, trying to be a decent person and she sent me the obituaries and she had told me this was gonna happen. But a fucking bitch step mom did not put me in the obituary, didn't even put me in the fucking obituary. I was his only biological child. My son was his only grandchild and all she put was her daughter and her kids. Those kids, my aunt made an obituary and they're in a different paper and and put me, and so she sent me both copies, your aunt being his sister yeah his sister yeah that says a lot too, so I saw you as his daughter.

Speaker 1: 27:15

The irony here is, the whole point of this whole thing was to talk about the medication we're just talking now.

Speaker 2: 27:27

It's very interesting, it's super interesting my sisters had now decided to move to Dallas too, and my Middle sister moved into my same apartment building and she had my niece and nephew with her. I was always a good aunt, I was always very present with my nieces and nephews, and they moved into my apartment building. And so that's when I'm like, okay, I got to stop with the criminal activity Because, like, my niece and nephew are more important and they're gonna be over here a lot and I can't have something happen when they're here or have these people here and like I'm not gonna tell my niece and nephew they can't come over, and I just didn't want them to see that side of me. And so I did. I stopped like street life, just kind of like cold turkey, which was. It's actually hard to do that because it's an addiction too, you know.

Speaker 2: 28:12

Yeah, but then moving here, I stopped it, just pulled the plug. I don't want them to see that part of me. I don't want them to see that lifestyle. So I stopped Then with my family moving here, because now my other sister moved here and I have nieces and nephews here they're. Then they start harping on me on like when are you gonna settle down? Because I was still. You know, I date guys. I'd have a different guy, I'd have a different honey dip, like my mom, you know. They started harping on me like, oh, you need to settle down, you need to settle down and I was. I didn't feel like I was ready for that.

Speaker 2: 28:42

And then I had a big like health scare again. Like I said, I wasn't very healthy with all the shit I was doing and I had. I ended up with like they thought it was cancer. It was like I went in just for an annual checkup but I hadn't been in a couple years. It turned into like, okay, you have to come back immediately and do a cat scan and we think you probably have cancer. It's a possibility with how your blood work looks and Something like that'll just snap you like, oh shit, yeah, you know. And so I had the surgery Ended up not me in cancer, okay. So they went in to see it went in, I ended up having to have an emergency history like partial hysterectomy or I don't remember the name of it that's what they called it then, but it's a different name. They took half of my, like a tube and an ovary, and and it ended up being like a tumor or cyst or something they had to take out, and so recovering from that was a really hard recovery to.

Speaker 2: 29:30

My mom came and she stayed with me like a Week or two, but once she left, like I was just kind of on my own. My sisters lived here but they wouldn't come in and help in me, and so that was a big like I do. Maybe I do need a partner, maybe I do need to settle down because I'm alone. You know, like it was the first time I realized like, oh, I am lonely, like I'm just stuck in this house and I don't have anyone to help me. My sisters aren't helping me, you know, like my mom's gone. So that was a big change for my whole mentality of like shit, I'm looking at life or death and I'm realizing how alone I am and.

Speaker 2: 30:03

Just how my whole life has been a wreck, you know. So, yeah, I guess, healing and spending all that time alone, this is when my space is becoming a thing, mmm.

Speaker 1: 30:15

I loved it.

Speaker 2: 30:15

I get on my space and I find one of my exes who he was a good friend. I used to work with him, you know, he was a co-worker. He started as a friend but we ended up dating at a point and I cut him off because that's what I do. But he was a nice guy. You know that's partly why I cut him off. He was too nice of a guy. But I found him on my space and I was just like, oh yeah, my old friend Tucson Sent him a message. Hey, you remember me? He immediately writes back. Hey, yeah, when can I come see you? And he literally came over, like, because I sent it on a Friday night, he responded Saturday afternoon. He came over Saturday night to watch a movie with me.

Speaker 2: 30:55

This is what I'm going through, my healing and recovery and From then on he just came and took care of me, like literally.

Speaker 2: 31:02

It happened just like that, like he came over that night. It wasn't like he was coming back every day, but like he'd come back every weekend, you know, when he wasn't working and he'd come, and or even in the evening it's just when I'm home recovered He'd come over and just like, let's come on, I'll come watch a movie with you. He would just come spend time with me when I'm late up in the house for six weeks and can't go anywhere and can't do anything, and so we bonded pretty quickly over that and he was just a good guy and a really sweet guy and at the same time my mom was now in a marriage. She was in another why don't think they were married yet but she had been in a relationship for Several years at this point with a very nice Indian man named Freddy, who he she knew him through recovery. He was also a counselor, which was weird. They were both alcohol and drug counselors.

Speaker 1: 31:49

He was just a really nice guy.

Speaker 2: 31:51

Yeah, she actually started dating him right before I moved to Dallas and so I knew him, just didn't know him that well. But when I, me and Tucson, got together and I had all that shit happen, I just kind of realized how important my mom was and how important, you know, she was to me because she was there to take care of me. And so I started going back to visit her more often too and just be a better daughter for her, you know, and Tucson would go with me and you know I just started being better for her and going up and seeing her a lot because she lived far away. That's when I started to get to know Freddy better and he was good to my mom and he was good to me and he treated me like you know I was lovable and and Between him and Tucson, and then also my job I have to credit that I had a.

Speaker 2: 32:39

You know I worked in accounting and I my boss at the time.

Speaker 2: 32:42

He was super hard on me but he gave me a promotion and he ended up telling me I'm super hard on you because I know what you have in you fee be like.

Speaker 2: 32:49

I know you're smart, you're very smart and I know what you can do, and that's why I'm hard on you, that's why I'm harder on you than everyone else and he kind of just took me under his wing as a mentor and and he was a CFO and that was what led me into my just staying in accounting and like a full-on career in accounting was Jerry, and so it was just weird that when I was 27, all these things happen at once and it just turned my whole life around. You know, like these three men showing me love in different ways and Freddy showing my mom love, and then my nieces and nephews suddenly live in here and I had to like Be a good example for them, as best example as I could be. So those are the things that Turn me into a different direction. It's just been like a continued growth pattern ever since that happened in when I was 27. That's what it is.

Speaker 1: 33:38

I can say that you know we have code green plant. So we've been talking a long time and and the one consistent person Besides your mom and your son and your husband is Freddy, mm-hmm. You always and I started to pick up on that without you telling me your story, but you'd go into stories about him and you would light up when you would talk about him and you know it. It you can just tell that you needed him.

Speaker 2: 34:07

Yeah, yeah, really good and it was really organic. You know, it wasn't forced. Like I said, he'd been with my mom Shit seven, eight years before we really started building a relationship and it was because we just spent time together and liked each other. And he was a good guy, you know, and he would spoil my mom, you know. He um, and he had his own issues which probably, you know, helped for us to connect.

Speaker 2: 34:29

He wasn't some straight cookie cutter, you know. He Was in recovery. He was an addict, or recovering addicts. He had severe PTSD because he was in Vietnam and he was like first cab. He was on the ground, like he was a grant, what they called him, and he saw some shit and did some shit.

Speaker 2: 34:47

And when I went to college I went to college too at this time, like that's when I started going to college, when I was 28 I Did papers on him, like I would do research papers on Vietnam, and so I could learn more about him and talk to him about his experiences, because I was just interested in it too and and he taught us a lot about, you know, our native traditions and because that was stuff we didn't grow up around and he's full. He was half Santa Cacayuga, half San Juan Pueblo, okay, a winga, and so we were very involved in the tribe. He was still part of that and so my mom loved it. You know my mom loved it up there with him in Oklahoma, loved it, and she was there for years and I loved it and I would go up and you know it was almost became like a second home to me up there and with with everybody and it was all just. You know, freddie and his family and they're just amazing all of them. I miss him all so much.

Speaker 1: 35:37

What happened Did so they got married. They got married eventually. How long were they together?

Speaker 2: 35:43

Oh, I Mean until he passed away Probably 20 years. He got lung cancer and he was a smoker. My mom and him were both, you know, cigarette smokers. He'd got lung cancer and we weren't sure really if it was from cigarettes or agent orange, because that's what he kind of figured. He was gonna get cancer at some point because he was exposed to so much agent orange in Vietnam and so he did get it and he had went into remission eventually. But when he also he used to jump out of helicopters when he was in Vietnam and so it messed his back up and he wouldn't get back surgery. So he's in remission.

Speaker 2: 36:24

You know we've been going back and forth this cancer shit. He, my mom, was down visiting for Christmas and Caleb was just born. Caleb has was born at this point and he loved Caleb so much. Oh, my god, caleb. I gave Caleb his middle name Uh, isaac, that's Freddy's middle name Because he loved Caleb. Like he used to say me and Caleb have a connection. Like he used to tell my mom that and Soon, as I found out I was pregnant, he went and bought like a Schwinn tricycle and like he sent me like baby Makasins and he was already spoiling Caleb before he got here, man, and he was, you know, like I said he, he had a connection with him, he said it himself, but uh, he, he ended up falling and basically became paralyzed.

Speaker 2: 37:05

Um, because of his back issues, cancer came. You know, no longer in remission, cancer came back. On his death certificate they actually put that he died of PTSD related symptoms because all this was related to the war. You know, in the end, though, I mean it just it's hard to think about and it was hard to go through, but I'm so glad I did it because I was there with him and you know, I literally saw him. It.

Speaker 2: 37:27

It was crazy how people can end up. I'd never Experience something like that, like how sick he was because he was on like all these crazy ventilators and they had him to where he was like unconscious, but he was still moving, so his eyes would be closed and you didn't even know if he could hear you. It was just. It was really wild to go through. But, like before he got to that point, I remember him like yelling at the nurses at one day when I went up there, and he's holding my hand and he's just yelling to the nurses. This is my daughter. Do you see, my daughter, like he was so proud of me too, you know, it was just like it was very mutual force, so it was. I was happy to be able to be there with him at the end, like that, you know. So it meant, you know, we just met a lot to each other.

Speaker 1: 38:07

He really showed you what A relationship where the father should be.

Speaker 2: 38:14

Yeah, and also a woman like how he loved my mom. Yeah, love my mom. I mean he was crazy about my mom. You know he loved her so much and he used to always say the only woman he'd ever leave before is stevenix. But I mean, he just was crazy about my mom.

Speaker 1: 38:32

We're not even done yet for the audience watching. They saw all this trauma happening to little Phoebe. And then here they see resolution and something positive for you. I didn't want to veer into anything else, yet, like they need to know, good things happen to you, and you know what I'm saying. You have some so much, and today was like there was a lot of positives in today, but we're still not. We're still not To the point where we need to go to yet which?

Speaker 1: 39:05

is mental health. Love you, miss you, bye. Oh you Podcast, love you, miss you bye has been brought to you by christie chanel llc, but if you're looking for more information or want to follow us on social media, go check out christie chanelcom. All the podcasts are streamed there and the youtube episodes are there, so why not? You can also listen where all podcasts are streamed. This includes apple podcasts and Spotify. And lastly, thank you to you. You, yeah, you, the one that's listening or watching. I appreciate you so much. Love you, miss you, bye.