Twenty-five years ago, I faced my last Mother's Day with my mom, a day wrapped in emotion and marked by a precious necklace gift that symbolized my unspoken words of love. As Mother's Day approaches, I, Christi Chanelle, invite you to a heartfelt episode where we explore the intricate dance of sorrow and serenity that accompanies this time of year for those of us missing our mothers. It's a conversation for anyone navigating the tender balance of cherishing memories while confronting the ache of absence, and for those entangled in the complex threads of maternal relationships.
This isn't just my story—it's a tapestry of shared experiences and communal healing. We traverse the unpredictable waves of grief, occasionally finding ourselves blindsided by a fresh surge of loss during what might seem like an ordinary day. I reflect on the peace that has been two and a half decades in the making, and I offer a space where we can collectively unpack the emotions Mother's Day stirs within us. Whether your mother is present in your life, you're facing her absence, or you're grappling with feelings of anger or gratitude, this episode aims to be a companion through it all, providing understanding and solace in our shared journey.
Twenty-five years ago, I faced my last Mother's Day with my mom, a day wrapped in emotion and marked by a precious necklace gift that symbolized my unspoken words of love. As Mother's Day approaches, I, Christi Chanelle, invite you to a heartfelt episode where we explore the intricate dance of sorrow and serenity that accompanies this time of year for those of us missing our mothers. It's a conversation for anyone navigating the tender balance of cherishing memories while confronting the ache of absence, and for those entangled in the complex threads of maternal relationships.
This isn't just my story—it's a tapestry of shared experiences and communal healing. We traverse the unpredictable waves of grief, occasionally finding ourselves blindsided by a fresh surge of loss during what might seem like an ordinary day. I reflect on the peace that has been two and a half decades in the making, and I offer a space where we can collectively unpack the emotions Mother's Day stirs within us. Whether your mother is present in your life, you're facing her absence, or you're grappling with feelings of anger or gratitude, this episode aims to be a companion through it all, providing understanding and solace in our shared journey.
I just got emotional out of nowhere. I recorded a TikTok and I put it out there about losing your mom and how it gets better. And I have people saying I miss her, talking about their own mom, and you're making me cry. And then I start to cry and it's like you never know when it's going to hit you. You never know. That wasn't the plan. It was to try to make other people feel better. Here I am talking about how peaceful it is now Liar. No, okay, it is. It is, but it still hurts, and I think that's the point of me talking about it, because every time I film an episode, it's like I remove another layer from me. That's been heavy and maybe that's why today, this Mother's Day week, I'm feeling emotional. So let's talk about it.
Speaker 1:
Mother's Day is upon us and I figured this would be a great time to jump on and do a quick episode of Love. You Miss you. Bye, I'm Christy Chanel. I was just feeling some emotions today and I thought that I should get them out, and who better to get them out to than you? You know you listen to get them out to than you. You know you listen. You listen to me. I'm feeling really good and I wanted to share a little bit of the peace that I've gained over the last almost 25 years. It's going to be 25 years next month. I will be releasing an episode about my mom, but I figured I would wait till her birthday to do that. Yeah, I was feeling a bunch of emotions, but mostly peace, and I wanted to see where you are in your life with your mom. Are you in a place of peace, like I am, because your parent has passed away? Are you lucky enough to still have your mom in your life? Are you scared that they're getting older and you could lose them? All these things could be what you're feeling for Mother's Day. Are you pissed off at your mom? Was your mom never a mom? I lost my mom almost 25 years ago. It'll be 25 years on June 5th and yeah. So I started to think back to when I didn't really feel peace and what it was like to face Mother's Day without a mom. It was horrible. I mean I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It was horrible. I mean I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It was horrible.
Speaker 1:
I was filled with such jealousy of the people that could celebrate their mom, that could buy Mother's Day presents for their mom that could just show their mom how much they love them. You know that was the last holiday I had with my mom because she died on June 5th, so that's just a couple of weeks after Mother's Day. And I remember I didn't have a lot of money. I was like 24, about to be 25. And you know, I just didn't have a lot of money and my stepmom, vonda, said we need to make sure that your mom gets the best present ever. And to this day I'm very, very thankful that she did that for me. My mom never knew it. She's like well, just keep it between us. And we ended up getting her a necklace and a charm that said, you know, mom, on it. It was so, so pretty. And I was so excited to wrap up that present and send it to my mom because I was living in Texas at the time and you know she was in New Jersey. So I sent her the present.
Speaker 1:
I remember being on the phone with her. We didn't have FaceTime God, I wish we had FaceTime. Back then we barely had internet and she opened the present on the phone and, you know, started to cry. She loved it. She loved it so much and that was the last opportunity that I had. I had to show her how much she meant to me, and I'm thankful that Vonda gave me that opportunity. Yeah, I would have gotten something for my mom, but it was gold. It was something she could wear every day and it brought her to tears and I'm just grateful. I'm grateful that I had that Mother's Day and all the Mother's Days before that with her.
Speaker 1:
I never took it for granted. Sure, we got into maybe an argument here and there None that I can really remember 25 years later, but I was a teenager so I'm sure I was a pain in the ass. She just loved me so very much, so much so that 25 years later, I feel every bit of it still. I can still hear her voice. I still know what she would say to me. I know how proud she'd be right now of this podcast. Yeah, I'm just grateful. I just have happiness to know that she was my mom and that we had the best relationship possible.
Speaker 1:
And I'm wondering, as I'm feeling this peace, are you feeling this pain? Are you hurting because you don't have her anymore? I truly didn't think that I would ever get past that pain when I heard that she died. I don't know that I've ever experienced such, just such pain. I can't, I don't even. I can't even think of another word to describe the pain.
Speaker 1:
It was like suffocation, and I remember being very in tune with what I was feeling, and so I had a diary that my aunt Karen gave me to write everything that I was feeling so I could get it out. I was describing in my diary just not being able to breathe, feeling like I was in a box and the cover was closed and, no matter what I did, I couldn't get out of that box, so much so that I started to stop feeling completely. I stopped feeling. I didn't want to feel, I didn't want to know that I would have another memory without her. It didn't seem fair without her it didn't seem fair. I didn't want to know that I could go through pain without her, because she was the one that I would talk about my pain with and I say that I'm in peace and I am. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes and when you talk about it it brings it up and, like I said, I was all about covering it up because I didn't want to feel that type of pain. So it was.
Speaker 1:
It was like I was walking through life, getting married and not feeling anything. It's like I was sleepwalking because it didn't seem fair to feel any kind of joy without her. I wanted her to share every memory I had and she couldn't. She wasn't here and I didn't know how to function. I was lost Because we were almost codependent on each other.
Speaker 1:
You know, it's like anything I did, I would talk to her, anything I thought I would ask her, and she just was there. It just seemed like she was put on this earth to just love me. I know it sounds crazy, but she did. She was my biggest fan, my biggest cheerleader, and now it was gone. And now it was gone. Who would ever be able to fill that role for me? No one. I would learn that, although I would try to find somebody to fill that role, whether it was in my boyfriends or my spouses, whatever it was, I was looking for somebody to fill the hole inside my heart, inside my soul, and no one would ever, 25 years later, fill it but me. I had to fill that hole myself and I had to learn to keep going.
Speaker 1:
I had a child At 24, I had a child, austin, and I had to be a mom, so I had to survive it. I had to get through it. I still feel guilty about it, though, because I don't know how long I was sleepwalking. And a child, my child probably didn't understand what his mommy was going through and how one day she was one way and the next day she was somebody else. I don't, I don't know, I don't know. So I have sadness about what he had to endure, about what he had to endure watching me navigate myself after such a tragedy. Now I can look back and realize I don't think I could have done it any differently. I don't know that there would be a way to do it any differently. I had to go through it in my own way and in my own time, and maybe maybe I can share my pain and how I overcame it with you.
Speaker 1:
And if you haven't lost a parent, I know feelings may jump into your head and you just push them out and you're like, okay, well, one day I won't have my parents, one day I won't have my parents, what am I going to do when I don't have my parents? Because even at 15, even at 20, I had those thoughts, because I actually kind of knew my intuition and I've told you before I have, I feel, energy. I've had dreams. Yeah, I've had all that kind of stuff happen and back then I was having dreams that she was going to die. I know right now you're like. Now we know Christy is crazy, um, and I didn't know that's. I didn't know what those dreams were about. I just thought it was me, you know, being scared because I love somebody so much that I don't want to lose them. It was my intuition. I knew she knew. She actually had a talk with me one time where she said I don't know that I'm going to be here after 40 and I'm going to need you to carry on. I'm going to need you to be okay because you're my life. And she made it past her 40th birthday, but she didn't make it past her 44th. She died two days before her 45th birthday. She just had a knowing, she just knew. So I know what it's like to feel like you could lose a parent and to be terrified of it. But luckily you haven't yet and you get to spend these next years showing them how valuable they are to you.
Speaker 1:
I can tell you that one of the things I never had and that I always kind of regretted was the fact that I didn't get to see my mom through adult eyes. As a human, I thought of her as superhuman. I didn't get to ask those questions that happen, you know, if you're going through perimetopause or you know you're getting older and what's going through your mind? You know what's it like. What was it like having me leave home, all those questions that are happening to me that I would love my mom to be around to tell me some of her wisdom. That's what I miss. And you get those opportunities. So in that way, I'm envious. So in that way, I'm envious, I'm envious. But as weird as this sounds, I'm so glad I don't have to go through that pain now.
Speaker 1:
Maybe you're in a situation where you don't talk to your mom anymore. Maybe she wasn't the mom that you needed and you got older and realized I don't need that in my life. So Mother's Day isn't fun for you because you feel gypped, you feel cheated and you were. You absolutely were. But hopefully, if you decide to have children or if you have children, that you can break that chain and be the mother that you wish you had. I see a lot of people doing it and I'm so proud of them. So I guess what my message is today that if you have your mom, send them love, and if you don't, you'll find peace one day. I did. I'm so thankful, and every time I see a Daisy, I know she's with me. Happy Mother's Day no matter what cycle of life you are in with your parent, I want you to have peace and love, and I hope that you can love yourself through the pain and love, and I hope that you can love yourself through the pain. Happy Mother's Day. You got this kid. Love you, miss you bye.
Speaker 1:
L-u-m-u-b podcast. Love you, miss you Bye has been brought to you by Christy Chanel LLC, but if you're looking for more information or want to follow us on social media, go check out christyschanellecom. All the podcasts are streamed there and the YouTube episodes are there, so why not? You can also listen where all podcasts are streamed. This includes Apple Podcasts and Spotify. And lastly, thank you to you. You, yeah, you the one that's listening or watching. I appreciate you so much. Love you, misha Bye.