Leaving Toxic Roots And Rebuilding Self Worth

Trauma recovery often starts with one brave move that makes no sense to anyone else. Nichol Ellis-McGregor talks with transformational life strategist Tori Janae about leaving a toxic home at 17, facing family pushback, and choosing freedom anyway. The story highlights a core principle in healing from childhood trauma: you do not need the full plan, you need the next right step. When you grow up around addiction, chaos can feel normal, and even healthy choices can get punished with guilt, shame, or “you think you’re better than us.” Naming that dynamic matters because it explains why change feels threatening to the nervous system, even when it is clearly good for you.

A major theme is how early experiences create relationship patterns that repeat until they are made conscious. Tori describes the “love map,” the way we learn what love means through our family system, then unconsciously recreate it in dating, marriage, and friendships. That is why someone can leave an addicted household and still choose partners with addiction, emotional unavailability, or volatility. Healing starts with identifying core wounds like abandonment or betrayal, then watching how they drive people pleasing, overgiving, and silence. Once you see the pattern, you cannot unsee it, which is both empowering and uncomfortable, because growth removes the option to go back to what is familiar.

They also reframe confidence and self worth in practical terms. Instead of waiting to “feel confident,” true confidence becomes an inner steadiness: no matter what happens, I will be okay. Self-esteem grows when you learn to trust yourself, ask for what you need, and stop outsourcing worthiness to other people’s approval, money, appearance, or roles. Tori challenges identity labels that can disappear overnight, like wife, daughter, or even sister, and points listeners back to a more stable identity rooted in values, resilience, and spiritual grounding. A simple takeaway for personal development is to find proof of worth in survival and effort, not in perfection.

Finally, the conversation connects emotional healing to nervous system regulation and whole-body health. People pleasing can be a trauma response called fawn, alongside fight, flight, and freeze. Chronic stress can show up as overthinking, bloating, hormonal issues, sleep problems, cravings, high cortisol, and weight that will not shift. Tools like a 15-minute walk to complete the stress cycle, breathwork with a longer exhale, meditation, and beginner yoga help the body feel safe enough to heal. They also discuss trauma markers like IBS, poor gut health in kids under chronic stress, skin issues such as psoriasis, and supportive basics like probiotics, omega-3s, magnesium glycinate, L-theanine, and glycine. The through-line is hope with specificity: start small, stay consistent, and let your body and boundaries become part of your recovery plan.

More on Tori Jenae at https://www.torijenae.com/

Transcript

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Welcome And Guest Background

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Good day, everyone. This is Nicole Ellis McGregor, the founder of the Overcomer's Approach podcast, where I meet and talk with people from different walks of life, different experiences, and different journeys. But the overarching theme is that we all have the ability to overcome no matter what we have experienced in life. I'm so happy to have Tori Danae here, who is a transformational life strategist who has been coaching since 2010, working at the root level of human change, the patterns, the wounds, and nervous system responses, quietly running people's lives beneath the surface. She holds three degrees in psychology and brings a depth through training and trauma, energy psychology, nervous system science, leadership and spiritual development. Born in addiction and trauma, Tori rebuilt her life completely from the ground up and has since helped countless high achievers do the same. Her clients don't just transform themselves, their relationships shift, their businesses grow, and their families feel the shift. Tori is an open book and she speaks candidly about growing up with addicted parents, leaving home at 17, losing her family, rebuilding her financial loss, ending an 18-year marriage, and surviving grief and trauma. She brings warmth, directness, and hard-earned wisdom to every conversation. I feel like our listeners will be truly impacted and blessed by what Tori just talks with us today about, and just authentically sharing her experience and her services. Tori, welcome to the Overcomer's Approach podcast.

SPEAKER_01 1:28

Thank you so much for having me, Nicole. I'm excited for our conversation.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

You're welcome. Well, Tori, I know from your bio you that is a wealth of life experiences and growth and services. How did you for speaking for our listeners? How did you transform or when did the change shift in your life where you knew you wanted something much more better for yourself? When did that transformation change based on your experiences? And you can start anywhere that you want to start. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Oh well, first of all, I like to say that even at 48, I think it's still happening. That's right. Growth is continuing.

Leaving Home To Break Cycles

SPEAKER_01 2:07

Yes. Yeah, that evolution is still happening. I think the first time it really happened was when I was 17, and I knew that if I did not leave my home, I would possibly be doomed to repeat it. And so even though I couldn't sign a lease on my own, you know, I ended up getting a roommate who was older than me, who could, I like lived in the front room. It was not a good situation. But I feel like the core thing that has always driven me is that I'm not always gonna know all the answers. I just have to take the next right step. And it's usually the scariest one. So that was the first moment of like, okay, I've got to gain my freedom from this toxicity right now. And even if I went back or something of that nature, I failed at it, at least I knew I was gonna try. And so I ended up leaving, figuring out how to put myself through school. You know, I did all of that without any loans. Um, I hustled and I figured it out one step at a time. But I think many times in my life I've had to like have that really difficult conversation with myself of like, okay, the situation I'm in is not great. What am I gonna do about it? And I think that's the scariest thing for all of us is that we are all gonna have really tough choices to make and really difficult things to heal. Yeah, but it's like you and I and all of us have so much more power than we give ourselves credit for. No matter how dark or dismal or horrible things seem, there's always a choice to be made.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

Yes, that is profound. You know, I I can totally understand and relate to like needing to leave an environment or a space for your own survival and to make a shift and a change. Some of that can be very frightening for people, especially if they're familiar with the area. It might be home. Yeah, it might be home, it might be family, and sometimes coming up with that decision, you there's some pushback on that as well, too. Sometimes be and there's some something within your, you know, internally that there's a sense of familiarity where there's a fear there that they don't want to step out. How did you was there anything that just where you knew that flickered in your mind where it just had to be done?

SPEAKER_01 4:26

Yeah,

Family Pushback And Familiar Patterns

SPEAKER_01 4:27

yeah, I think seeing um I wanted something different for my younger brother. He's about seven and a half years younger than me. And I felt like somebody had to get out, and luckily, you know, the courts found my mother unfit and he ended up living with his maternal grandmother, and then I kind of helped her in the best way that I could because she was on you know, fixed income. Grandpa had passed away. So it wasn't easy for her either. But I will definitely say that like my family that was in addiction, it was not easy. Yes, and they would say things like I think that I thought I was better than them. Yes, that I, you know, like that you're basically too big for your boots, you think you're better than us, you think you're gonna make it, you you know, all these. So I was never I was actually put down for wanting something different. Yes, and that's what I always want to like reflect to people is like I didn't do it because it was like they were nice about it or they were like, get out. It was very much the opposite. Like me, even doing well in school was not um praised, it was actually put down. It was like, oh, you think you're better than us, you think you're gonna make a different life, you think you're so smart, you know, all these kinds of things. So it wasn't without a lot of pain. And then I think we all have this fear of leaving our tribe, and that's normal. No matter, like you said, like no matter how toxic it is, yes, it's what's known. And then, of course, you know, even when I left that early, my first real boyfriend, guess what? He had addiction problems, right?

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Yeah, because you're usually picking something that you're totally familiar with, you know, you're usually picking something that that feels comfortable to you.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

So yes, that's what we call our love map. Like how we learned what love means when we were growing up is exactly what we create, even though we know better, even though we don't want to. It's right so deep down we're not aware of it. And that's what I love to help people see is like where did that core wound come from? How do we keep making the same mistake? How do we keep how do we stay in the same pattern? Yes. Um, because once we see it, we can't unsee it. And that's the beginning of change. And I think we're scared to see it because we know there's no going back. And what is what is known as survivable to the nervous system as well.

SPEAKER_00 6:38

That's right. That is so good. That is so good. Like to have that self-awareness and to identify that. And I'm glad that you bring help support people, bring clarity to that because that can be probably the most difficult part, you know, is like you're you you're aware that you you you have something to do with with these relationships that are kind of fulfilling the pattern that you're so used to, and then having someone having someone help them navigate out of that space, I think, is extremely helpful.

SPEAKER_01 7:10

Yes, yeah. And some people, what's miraculous is sometimes when they see it and they start to heal it. Like I've seen this a lot of people with their marriages, even yes, they actually can, you know, sometimes that marriage can actually, or that relationship, whatever it is with a family member, a husband, a partner, it can actually step up when we step out of the dynamic. That's right. Like they're also responding to us in a way.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

That's so true.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

That's the beautiful thing.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Yes. How do

Confidence Built On Self Trust

SPEAKER_00 7:36

you feel? And I and you touched on nervous system, and I want to I want to circle back at that. Yeah, yeah. Uh, how do you uh how does one build their confidence to even because I think it takes some sense of knowing who you are, knowing your worth, and building your confidence? What do you think are some of the things that could help when people are in that space? Because sometimes people's self-esteem is not the greatest, their confidence is pretty low. Um, and I believe that we're all called to live to our fullest potential and greatness. But if you don't know who you are and then you don't know what your worth is, how do you help people identify their worthiness or walk into their confidence or build it? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:17

So I've studied almost every spirituality on the planet over the last 26 years because I've been looking for that kind of like core truth. Yeah. So first of all, I know the soul is worthy because it's here. I'm here to grow and it's it's here to learn. But for us psychologically, like I didn't have great confidence either. I felt like I was the poor kid from the wrong side of the tracks, you know, who um was born into welfare. Like I wasn't worthy of things and I was hustling for my worth. Oh my gosh, I worked so hard and I overgave to everyone. And so I love to start seeing that, like, even the first place in which you overgive and you overdo, like that's how good you are, is like you've been dealt the worst cards and you're still trying to do good. Like that's the first place to find your worthiness.

SPEAKER_00 9:03

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

And then I really love to shift confidence, not to something I'm gonna get to and I'm gonna feel. Yes, true confidence is knowing that no matter what happens, I'll be okay.

SPEAKER_00 9:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 9:17

And we've outsourced our worthiness and our confidence to how other people respond to us. Yes, but it's like we all like I believe we're all kind of born with the core not enough wound, and it just wears a different outfit. I'm not skinny enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not tall enough, I'm not muscular enough, not rich enough, it does not matter. I had probably 20 of them myself. So, you know, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't from a good family. Um, luckily, you know, as Oprah says so well, like a lot of us have pretty privilege. I definitely had that, or you know, when I was younger, like I was able to, you know, maybe date men above my um station, as the Brits would say. Yes, yes, but I had to find my worthiness, and it just really takes like recognizing that wow, I've already survived so much. Yes, and I'm still trying to get better, and that's the first place of seeing like wow, I'm here, I'm trying, and that's the first place. And I'm worthy because I exist, not because of anything I do for other people. And then, yeah, self-esteem is built by trusting ourselves, yes, yes, that is so good.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

Self-esteem is built by trusting ourselves, and I love the fact that you said, and I think a lot of people can identify this, not feeling worthy enough, you know, thin enough, pretty enough, uh tall enough, whatever the label is you have for yourself. People have those, you know, and then and I think with uh the influence of social media, which is like a blessing and a curse at the same time, yeah, some of that is an illusion, some of it's real, you know, you kind of gotta siphon through it. But then I think people can get so caught up and get outside of themselves and lose who they truly are. And so I love the fact that that um you address that and you talk about that and kind of like overdoing for people or people peek pleasing, you know, like kind of getting caught up in that space because you're trying to let you want people to see you as worthy, but we're already worthy as as who we are, who we're called to be already, no matter what what space we land in or where we enter the world at, we're worthy when we come into the world. And so I love the fact that you speak to that and you understand that. And like you said, kind of understanding spirituality, you know, because we're much bigger than these, you know, this these uniforms that we're in, you know, we're spiritual things, and so uh I love the fact that you address that and that you're aware of that. I think that's that's super big because I think people could get just so caught up into just you know what they see, and it's so much bigger than than that.

SPEAKER_01 11:55

Yes, yes, yes, everything we're looking for, we look for outside of ourselves, yes, yes, and it's only inside of us, and that's the hardest part. And there's a beautiful Cherokee story about that. Um my dad's part Native American. Oh it's just like basically the great creator at the beginning of time comes forward and has every animal at the lake and says, you know, we have something very special to hide from the humans, it's the truth of life. Yes, it's that they are inherently worthy, they're inherently good, like everything they need is inside of them. So every animal comes forward and says where they're going to hide it. I'm gonna hide it in the tallest tree, I'm gonna hide it in the ocean. And the great creator just keeps saying, believe it or not, the humans one day they will go there looking for it. They will look, they will search the world to find this thing.

SPEAKER_00 12:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

And you know, they'll go to the tallest tree, they'll go to the depths of the ocean. And so then finally the wise mole steps forward and he and she's blind and she says, hide it in their heart where they never think to look.

SPEAKER_00 12:52

That is so good. That is that is really good. Wow, that is that is big. I got some rose wisdom moments just out of a brief story right there. That is good.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

Yeah, the story's actually very beautiful, but it's a long one. So I just wanted to share that though, because that's kind of the truth of all of us, right? You know, yes. If if I have something that I think is worthy, like I'm over functioning, I'm overgiving, I'm people pleasing, I'm even if I feel like I'm attractive and I use that to get my validation or my attention, or if I feel like I have money and I use that to get attention and validation, all of that can be taken from us. And particularly as women, we get really caught up in our roles. Yeah, like if I say, like, baby, who are you? She's like, I'm a mom, I'm a sister. I'm a it's like, okay, but who are you when your children move out? Who are you? Because like my sister, oh, you know, passed away of drugs. Like, I'm not technically a sister anymore.

SPEAKER_00 13:42

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 13:43

To it to I don't have a sister. So it's like that role, like every role that I've held in my life has been taken from me. Yes, wife, you know, like all like daughter, like my parents, both my parents are gone. Um, so I had to really learn like who am I at my core without anyone, without anything.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

Yes. That's good. Really knowing your identity without all those titles that are tied to it. That is big. That is big. I think uh when people know who you are, you move differently in this world and you draw different things to you, I feel like that are more positive. I do have a question, I and I could totally relate to this and identify with this. My mom dealt with uh addiction and drugs through her whole life. And when I started to move, and I also had to leave home too very early for my sure survival and to break some. Yeah, and I for you, yeah. And I too was like, you think you're better than you think you know, all and it wasn't that I just knew that I wanted to live and I wanted to live differently, and I wanted to support my family members who wanted to change. Um, but ultimately I can give them the tools uh to that because it wasn't my goal to save them, they had to save themselves. Uh, and some did decide to take the journey, some didn't. But I also found that I began to move in different spaces in my life where I met different people, different backgrounds, different experiences, and different journeys. And I had a sense of shame about who I where who I came from and and my life experiences. Not so much now, but it was something I had to overcome because I got really intimidated by, you know, their parents did this. They come from a legacy of, you know, like, and you know, all these things and all these groups that I found myself in, I found myself being ashamed of like my where I came from. But I turned it around and kind of reframed it and was like that built me for who I was and it called me to the people that I was supposed to be called to. Um, whereas as you move in different spaces and places and help people, how do you feel about how did you become so open and authentic to sharing your life experiences?

Sharing Your Story Without Shame

SPEAKER_00 15:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:47

Yeah, so it was similar to you. I hid it. You know, young when I was young, when I was when I was in school, like no one knew unless they came to my house and kind of saw what was going on. Right. You know, I did a lot to protect myself. Even I remember my first job, my first real like job out of college when I was like 21. I worked for this amazing rich family that owned this company, and they were so lovely. And they kind of adopted me because I was like, oh yeah, my parents aren't around. Cause I was just like, because they would always say things like Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And I was like, Oh my god, if they find out, I'm they're gonna hate me. Right. And so after they got to know me for a while, I started to tell them, and then they were just like, Wow, we would have never known that you like came from all that. And that was like the first time that I felt kind of accepted, like, oh, I let them get to know me, and then I told them the truth, and then I was loved and accepted. So I think that was a big shift for me. And then I've realized, especially through spirituality and working with gurus, and yeah, you know, every guru I've ever worked with who's you know, wise Indian elder who's had like 5,000-year unbroken lineage, has said, and also shamans in the Native American culture. Yes, the most powerful souls are given the most difficult paths. That's good. And what I've learned in my life is so much better than being born to rich parents. Because guess what? You or I, you could take everything from us and we will rebuild it.

SPEAKER_00 17:00

Oh, we most definitely will. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

I could lose everything, I have lost everything. I've lost my health, I've lost my wealth, I've lost my marriage. You know, there's nothing that I have not lost. Yes, I will get it back. Yes, that is something that no parentage can give you. You only get that when you walk the fire. That's so now I see it as like the more you've been through, the more you can handle, the more resilient you are. That is the deepest power on the planet.

SPEAKER_00 17:27

Yes, it most definitely is. It is so nice to connect with someone who can truly identify with that because um I can totally relate to that in so many ways of losing and rebuilding, losing and rebuilding. If you take it all away today, I'll make a home in a little space and we'll just sort of come there.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

I will live in a closet and I'll ten dollars if I have to.

SPEAKER_00 17:49

Yes, and I won't be broken from it, you know, like I won't, because I'm not tied to that, you know. Um, my our calling, I feel like is so much bigger than that. And so um I feel like the universe or God or everything aligns to support you in that rebuilding. It's kind of like the Phoenix, you know, you just rise from the ashes and you re ashes and you rebuild again. And so I think, you know, in this uh world when I connect with people who've maybe lost, you know, health, a spouse, whatever, I you know, I think for them to know that that it can they can rebuild again, you know. And so I love the fact that you're out here doing this work because it's so important. And I think so many people are needed and and um are waiting to have an opportunity to know what that really is, that all is not gone, you know.

SPEAKER_01 18:39

And to like remove the shame of like our types of childhoods, because the more I've done this work over the last 14 years having a practice, like a practice, yeah, the more I have seen that almost everybody has some story or some, you know, or like difficult parents, or it may not be to the level of us, but it's like yes, I mean, one in three women have been sexually assaulted or molested, and it's like nobody talks about that or how that affects us. And so I also kind of wanted to start removing the shame from our past and saying, like, yeah, these things happened, and that that has been part of who I am and part of my journey, and not so that we have to be public about it, I want to be public about it. Before my mom died, she actually said something to me, which was I I asked her, I said, you know, I'm feeling called, and this she died a long time ago, but I said, I'm feeling kind of called to to share what happened to us and to her story because you know, she has a horrendous story. Yeah, um, and she said, Yeah, I want you to because I want to know my life meant something.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

Yes, yes, yes. And and and none of that, those things I believe that start out maybe in a traumatic way or a harsh way, or some of those experiences can be used to build for the greater good, whether it's a learn something that you learned, something, some pattern that you want to change, or to speak to those who've had that experience, you know, like I think that is so important, you know, for people to know that, you know, and so I love the you're not alone. Yeah, you're not alone. Yeah, and I think what some people do is when they begin to really feel the trauma or go through a difficult period, they hide it, they go in isolation, talk about it, and that's probably one of the worst things to do, I think. I think you know, self-time and quality time alone is good, you know, it's for sure in balance, but I think you know, when you're going through those experiences, like not to isolate, but to find to go in community and find this opportunity. But you we need people such as yourself to be able to speak to their journeys and their life experiences, um, no matter where they are, because I've met women who have those similar life experiences, you know, and C-suite levels, uh, presidents of companies, you know, or or maybe they worked at Burger King, but they're they're hiding in shame and they're in pain and they don't have to be, you know. Yeah. So I think it affects women of different journeys and different walks in life. Um, and so my next question is uh, and I know we're coming down to like the next 10 minutes, I want to get a couple of questions and then I have in my mind in terms of communication. I think um it uh living through these experiences can affect how we communicate with people and how um effective we are with our communication. What do you think um when people begin to make that shift? How does really going through your healing and evolving and growing help with communication? Or how has it helped you? Or people that you're oh gosh, yes.

Boundaries That Improve Communication

SPEAKER_01 21:39

So it's not easy. I'll share that first and foremost. You know, I want people to know it's gonna be really uncomfortable. But how it will help your communication and and really improve your relationships is that even as simple as having healthy boundaries, you know, healthy loving boundaries, like that is what keeps you and the other person safe. That's what avoids resentment. So it actually protects your relationship. But it requires having uncomfortable conversations and being able to feel the discomfort of saying something that might hurt the other person's feelings or or expose someone who's actually taking advantage of your kindness or your overgiving. Because a lot of times I know when I started setting boundaries with my family, because I used to give them money. And then you know they'd use it for drugs or whatever. So I'd start like being like, okay, mom, like your pet, your, you know, your power bill is gonna get shut off. I'll pay your power bill, but I'm not giving you cash. That's right. That's right. I had to learn. But then that became like, I'm your mother. I shouldn't have to explain myself. You know what I mean? So it was like that uncomfortable conversation that I remember one time. I was like, mom, I feel like because I took a break from my mom too for many years, about seven years, because she went to jail, she was on mess, it was bad. So I had to like not talk to her at all for a little while. Yes. Um, but then it was like, I had to say, like, mom, I feel like you only contact me when you want money. And that doesn't mean we feel like we actually have a relationship. And so from that, it actually started to shift. Like she recognized, like somehow, some way, a little bit, it didn't get like a hundred percent better, but it started to improve.

SPEAKER_00 23:06

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

And I feel like I was also because of the way my parents spoke to me and the way your parents spoke to me, like I had this fear of being too much or asking for too much. Yes. And so I didn't even think about my needs. And I feel like I work with so many women who do the same thing. We're kind of unhappy in a relationship where there isn't a lot of reciprocity and we don't even know how to explain it.

SPEAKER_00 23:27

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 23:28

So I always encourage women to like think about what do I need, what's missing, you know, to really be able to articulate it and then find the courage to say it because you can improve that relationship, you can improve how you feel. You have so much more. Um, it's okay to ask for things, like it's actually required.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Yes, yep, and it's okay. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:50

And what I used to do when I was younger, especially when I was really young, I mean, all the way through my 20s pretty much, is I would get upset, get resentful. I didn't know how to have that conversation, so I would just leave.

SPEAKER_00 24:01

Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

So, like every guy I dated in my early, like, you know, my late teens, early twenties, it was like I'd be like, oh, it did something to annoy me. I couldn't say anything about it because I didn't know how. That's and I would just walk away. Or I work with women all the time. We've got like 10 years of resentment built up in our relationship.

SPEAKER_00 24:19

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 24:19

And it's like that, that's like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

SPEAKER_00 24:23

Yes, yeah, because we're internalizing it, you know, on our and we're turning it on ourselves, and then our needs aren't being met, you know. That's super good. Um, in terms of nervous system like regulation, I wanted to touch on

Nervous System Regulation Practices

SPEAKER_00 24:38

that. Yeah, yeah. I know that trauma, life experiences, not having your needs met can really impact how our our nervous systems operate, whether we're not getting enough sleep, whether we're not breathing effectively, whether we have a short fuse. I mean, it's just so many ways that, and it can ultimately interact your health overall. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 24:58

Hormones, gut, immune system, it's it's all connected.

SPEAKER_00 25:03

Yeah, it's all tied together. Uh, and I I find that people who have a lot of trauma, you know, the book, the body keeps score, you know, all that internalized trauma, it just creates these markers in your body that stay and shift and can change things. But I ultimately believe our bodies are super powerful to where we can be healed as well. But we have to become aware of those things. Um some people are not even even connected to even know that there's a connection there. How do you uh when you're supporting women or people who are going through this, how do you even make them aware of how their nervous system can be functioning when they're in trauma or distress or people pleasing or whatever it could be or a combination?

SPEAKER_01 25:43

So I love like you brought up people pleasing because that is a trauma response. Yes that's that is a nervous system response. That is that is what we call fawn. Yes, fight, flight, freeze, fawn.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 25:55

So it's not, you know, that means you're in a triggered mode all the time. So I try to help people see what are the signs and the symptoms.

SPEAKER_00 26:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 26:03

Overthinking, overanalyzing, people pleasing, overgiving, not saying anything so that you don't for create conflict or start, you know, feeling like your needs are not important, having bloating, hormonal issues, messed up cycles, um even like weight that won't shift can be a sign because your cortisol is too high, so your body won't let you lose weight.

SPEAKER_00 26:26

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 26:27

So, you know, food cravings, it shows up in so many ways, but the nervous system is one of the core things that we have to heal when we start doing that. I love to say, like, let's just start putting some of the positive practices in instead of saying what's wrong with me.

SPEAKER_00 26:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:41

So a 15-minute walk after you're triggered, it helps complete the stress cycle. They've done tons of research on this. Or deep breaths, where you, you know, in I like to call it triangle breath, people call it square breath. I don't understand. So I'm gonna hold, I'm gonna inhale, hold, and exhale, and do an extra long exhale. Um, getting really present in my body and just feeling what I'm feeling in that moment and saying, like, it's okay, I'm okay, bringing myself back down. So there's a lot of um meditation changed my life because I had to sit with myself. And one of the things we do when we have a lot of trauma, a lot of pain in the body, we avoid that thing like the plague. Yes, we do. And so so I didn't realize how not present I was in my body. Yes. So yoga helps me a lot. And I don't care if it's 10 minutes at home with you know, like yoga with Adrian on YouTube is free. Yes, and you can do a quick home practice. Like I said, just sitting there for a few minutes and breathing, just getting present with whatever's happening and recognizing you're gonna be okay. Yeah, you're gonna get through this, you've been through worse. This moment is not the danger. Your response to what has happened is what we have to reshift. And then I'm also big on um looking at people's labs and supplementation, and you know, so Lpheanine at night is very calming, magnesium glycinate at night is very calming, glycine is a very inexpensive amino acid that really calms the nervous system. So sometimes our nervous system needs these chemical messengers as well because it's like my nervous system had never been off before. Yeah, I lived in a chronic state of hypervigilance, like that was just my go-to mode.

SPEAKER_00 28:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 28:20

I remember the first time I did a yoga class, like I walked out there like I was floating because I'd actually never built, I was 22 years old, I never felt calm before. Wow. Not not once in my life. I had no frame of reference for what that even meant.

SPEAKER_00 28:34

Yes. That is so that is very enlightening. I think uh you you just speaking of that and saying that brings a sense of awareness for others that may have that same or similar experience, is like living in hypervigilance, living in like extreme survival mode, very responsive and not reactive, um, could really shift having that awareness to be being present in our bodies and just slowing down and being aware. And I love the fact that you say maybe it's 15 minutes when you start out. Maybe it's yeah, maybe it's five. Okay, yes, and that's okay. And I think some people and such as myself, because I had to start small in order to build the bigger, you know, I go in there now for like an hour, but at first it was just literally like down the mailbox and back home. Yeah, that's great. Right. And that's just how I had to start. And then I started incorporating these practices in my life, and it's gotten better. But I love the fact, and I still so much room to grow, but I love the fact that you incorporate that in what you offer to people because I think from a holistic perspective, I think you we have to be aware of what's going on with our bodies. Yes,

Trauma Symptoms In Gut And Skin

SPEAKER_00 29:44

yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:44

Another other big markers of trauma that a lot of people don't know are highly correlated are things like I IBS, yes, gut issues, because people didn't feel safe in childhood, don't grow proper microbiomes. UCLA has done a lot of research on this in children who have gone to through foster care. Yes, they have very, very poor gut health. And it's because stress kills all the good bacteria.

SPEAKER_00 30:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:07

So, like that's one thing to look at in yourself. Um, nervous system disorders, like fibromyalgia, these are all common of trauma. And then also um skin disorders. Yeah. So what is what's your what's protecting your body, your skin? So I've got psoriasis, I manage it normal, you know, naturally. Yeah, but like it was it took a lot of healing to get, you know, to I have plaque psoriasis and it's so common. We see it, and that's that's stress related as well. So I just I'm really holistic in the way I go through everything. I go through people's mental, physical, and emotional health because I want to know I see it all as connected and I want to help figure out how do we untangle it all. But yeah, start small, and I just want people to be able to recognize it in themselves, like, oh, I'm struggling with that. So that means your nervous system just wants to feel safe because we have to be in a safer state to heal.

SPEAKER_00 30:59

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 30:59

And trust me, I've been in places where I could barely wash my hair, so I get it.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

Yes, yes, that's good. Thank you for sharing that. And that is really, really good. And I I I come in contact with kids in foster care, people experience a lot of trauma. And I definitely see a lot of gut issues with children and what's going on with their stomach. Yes. And so just that awareness is super important, I think, when uh parents call in and they're like, oh, we I, you know, you know, it their their behaviors are, you know, they're so focused on that. But let's see what's going on holistically with yourself and maybe with your child because it may be so much broader and so much more holistic. You know, it may not fix the issue right there, but I think to move forward and plan ahead. And I think if we model that for our nieces, nephews, you know, people in our community, they will begin to see that and respond as well.

SPEAKER_01 31:52

So it's kind of yeah, I mean, probiotics and omega-3s are gonna be really powerful for a child with those kind of issues. Yes, because we want to get their their omega index to 8% or more because that helps the brain heal. Yes, and then we want to get the gut to start healing with those positive probiotics, right? So that they have kid formulas for all this, but yeah, I'm really fascinated by the medical side of it and how they all tie together. You know, I work with women 35 plus two on their hormones. Like I look at it all because it's it's all connected. And so um, your body is always just trying to speak to you. It's not trying to punish you, it's actually trying to keep you alive.

SPEAKER_00 32:29

That's right, that's right. Well, Tori, uh, this has been a wonderful conversation. All these nuggets of information, your uh your just authenticity, your your openness to sharing your story. I think it opens the door for other people to begin to have these conversations and to holistically heal and look at different ways that they can do that. Um, one last question, then I'll give you an opportunity to uh provide your web link if anyone wants to uh reach out to you to speak or for your services.

What She Would Tell Her Younger Self

SPEAKER_00 32:56

I want them to have an opportunity to do that. What would you tell your 17-year-old self if you can go back now and say anything? Or or maybe you may not say anything, but what would you say to Tori, 17-year-old Tori, that was about to leave the house?

SPEAKER_01 33:12

Oh gosh, I would tell her to not be afraid. Yes, to ask for what she needs.

SPEAKER_00 33:17

That's right. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 33:19

I think that was the biggest life lessons I've had.

SPEAKER_00 33:21

That is so good. Don't be afraid to ask for what we need and for what you need because we deserve it. We deserve to be able to ask and be free in the space to do that. And it's okay. Yes. Yeah, it is. Okay, Tori, what is your website link or uh if people want to reach out for your services or to have you maybe speak or whatever you um you you can support them with and and and then take a view of that and see if that's something they may um want to explore.

unknown 33:49

Yes.

Resources And Where To Find Tori

SPEAKER_01 33:50

So my website is www.toryjanae.com. So t-o-r-i-j-e-n-a-e. And I do have some freebies on there. I've got like a 30-page guide to like looking at core wounds. So whether that's the abandonment wound or the betrayal wound, you know, and so it's really good. It will help you see like, okay, this is the wound that I'm dealing with right now, and these are some practices I can implement. This is what's showing up in my relationship. So I really try to make it very clear, yes, so you know where to start. Because that's sometimes the question I get is we I I don't I feel overwhelmed and I don't know where to start. Yeah. Start with one small positive practice and one small thing you see in yourself.

SPEAKER_00 34:27

Awesome, Tori. That was a wonderful recommendation. Just start with one practice, just start right there. Tori, thank you for sharing your experiences. I enjoy this conversation. I sure I'm sure my listeners will be blessed by what you experience. And you know, I want to thank you. And I it's always nice on this journey to meet with people that there's a shared life experience, there's a kindred spirit there that I could totally identify with it. And it makes me feel more free to move in spaces that I might may not be the most comfortable in, you know, but just to be authentic and to share.

unknown 35:00

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 35:00

Yeah, you're so welcome. Thanks for having me. Thank you.