38: Encouraging Honesty

How do we create an environment where our kids feel safe enough to be fully honest with us, especially when it comes to tough topics like pornography or chastity?

I share a recent conversation with one of my sons and how it made me reflect on the role we, as parents, play in encouraging honesty. Spoiler alert: it’s not just about what our kids are doing, but how we react when they open up to us. I’ll talk about my own mistakes, how I used to try to control everything, and what I’ve learned about the importance of calming my own nerves and really listening.

I also reference a powerful episode from Faith Matters where Joseph Grenny talks about letting go of the idea of the “brochure family” and trusting that “all is well” even when things feel messy.

Tune in as I share some practical tips for how we can be more available, notice our reactions, and ultimately, create a space where our kids can feel safe being honest.

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Transcript

0:29

Welcome to the podcast. Have you ever had one of those moments where your child tells you something big in your head? And your heart. Just start jumping around and racing. And you want to be calm and you want to be there for them at the same time. You want to jump into, fix it mode and how to get things corrected. And maybe you're thinking about what kind of consequences need to happen or. To make sure that this never happens again. And I know that feeling because I've been there as well. And I think most parents experience this. But one of my sons came home recently after meeting with the Bishop. And we had an interesting conversation. The Bishop mentioned that he would be teaching like a fifth, Sunday lesson about pornography. And my son kind of out of the blue, told him. If you really want to make a difference. Teach the kids, how to be honest with their parents. And teach them how to talk with their parents when situations like that come up. And it really kind of hit me hard and got me thinking. How much of the responsibility for honesty falls on our kids and how much. Is on us as parents to make sure they feel safe enough, to be honest in the first place. So sometimes when our kids come to us, With something. That we don't want to hear. Like struggles with pornography or issues with chastity. It's really, really. Easy to get defensive, anxious. Worried. And I know I did that with my older boys. Um, I would make more rules. I would take their phones. I tightened up control. Basically create an environment where they stopped telling me things. And would just buy burner phones. And so then. It didn't foster honesty. It fostered dishonesty. Um, and I, and I didn't do a very good job of. Setting up a safe place for them to come and talk to me. And I became the enemy. In their minds. And that led to a lot more dishonesty. So parents, we have a huge role here. Because I think it's always easy. To tell other people how to live their life, like telling our kids to be honest. But it's not just about teaching them honesty. It's also how we react when they are honest. And that's really what we have control of, because we don't have control of a lot of the things that they do. But we do have control on our reaction. So, let me ask you. How do you respond when your child shares something difficult or you calm? Or does your brain immediately go? Into panic mode, thinking that things were falling apart. I used to tell my boys, you don't want to recreate, create any regrets. Looking back. I realize what a heavy burden that was to put on them. Because life is full of mistakes and regret is part of learning. But by trying to control everything and protect them from their mistakes. I was actually shutting down the honesty that they needed. To work through those moments. So recently. Recently I was listening to a faith matters podcast episode called the truth about messy families by Joseph Grenny. And he talks about this idea of a brochure family. You know, you know, The family that looks perfect on paper. 5.2, five kids. All the boys serve missions. Uh, the girls are good examples of faith in at least one of them serves the mission. But greenie realized that the brochure family doesn't exist. Um, and he also pointed out that even in the scriptures. Families were messy, right from the beginning. Somehow though we've created this fictional unattainable ideal. That we're constantly striving for. And when our kids veer off what we see as the ideal path, it can feel very catastrophic. But here's the part that I love. Greenie reminds himself. And now the people that he works with that all is well. Even though some of his kids have left the church or, and I'm struggling with addiction. He says all is well. And he shared that God wants told him, counsel me not. Meaning that God was working with our kids in the way that we can't see. So that idea, that all is well, even when our kids. Are looking really messy. It really resonated with me because if we want to encourage honesty in our kids, we have to believe. All. Really is well. Even when their lives don't look. Like the way that we expected. So here's the question. How do we create. The safe space for honesty. And these are the things that I've learned. First thing is to just be available when your kids want to talk. Even if it's uncomfortable, listen. It's really tempting to jump in with advice or solution, but sometimes they need to know that you're just there. And that they're not going to get in trouble for coming to you. And being honest. Um, also with being available as being available when there's not other kids around. So if that's earlier in the morning or later at night, Just. Making sure that they have. Time that they can spend with just you. Uh, the second thing is, notice their body language. Are they nervous? Are they fidgeting? Are they trying to test the waters to see how you'll react? Pay attention to those cues. And let them know that you're open to hearing them and that it's safe to share. Um, also checking in with yourself. This is number three. What's happening in your body. Are you feeling calm? Whereas your anxiety is starting to creep in. Are you tense? Or are maybe, are you already thinking about punishment? It's okay to feel those things, but take a moment. Take a deep breath. Calm yourself. So that you can respond. Rather than react. And. Try to quiet your mind in that situation. Um, the fourth one is watch your mind when your brain starts to race with solutions. Consequences. You want to pause? So it's natural to wanna fix things. That's definitely our go-to tendency. But remember this moment. Is to connect with your kid not to control. So when your mind starts kind of screaming, like let's take away the phone or let's, we've got to ground them. Ask yourself. Is this about keeping control or is this about keeping communication open and that's really, really important. Because that communication is key. To them being able to be honest. And then the fifth one is offering reassurance. Sometimes just giving them a hug and telling them nothing's gone wrong. And I love you no matter what can be the most powerful thing that you can do. They need to know that their worth doesn't change because of a mistake or a struggle that they're having. I know that with my younger son. Some of the things that he struggled with. We've actually been able to laugh over and I've been able to offer. Um, You know, some of the mistakes that I made not to collude with him, but just to let him know that it's normal and that nothing. Has gone wrong. And the reality is that most of the time that the kids, the things our kids do have natural consequences. So when they need to come to you and full honesty, it's an opportunity. To really keep that line of communication open and build a real honest relationship. So you don't need to be adore now, doormat and, um, they don't need to walk all over you, but you also don't need to control every situation. So here is my challenge for you. The next time your child opens up. Instead of focusing on how to fix it. Or control it. Focus on connection. Take a breath and remind yourself all as well. Nothing has gone wrong. And remember. Your kids have a savior and it's not, you. You're there to support and guide them, but ultimately God is working. In ways that we cannot see. So let them feel safe enough to come with, come to you with their struggles. Knowing that no matter what, you're on their side. And I believe. This is what encourages honesty that we all hope for and really want. All right. You guys, that's what I've got for you today. Have a great week. Bye. Bye.