47: Building Confidence versus Arrogance

In this episode, I share actionable ways to build confidence for yourself and help your kids do the same. We'll explore how to develop confidence in areas like praying—especially praying out loud in front of others—and how small steps can lead to big changes.

I also introduce a powerful tool called the Dare of the Day. This practice involves writing down small, manageable challenges that gently push you out of your comfort zone. By tackling these dares, you can signal to your nervous system that it's safe to grow and try new things, laying a foundation of grounded confidence.

Building confidence is a lifelong journey, but with these strategies, you and your kids can take meaningful steps toward becoming more assured and resilient. Tune in and start your confidence-building journey today!

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Transcript

0:30

Hello and welcome to the podcast. So I was recently talking to a group of girls and this topic came up. And so when I was talking to them, I realized that it wasn't something I had talked about yet on this podcast. So I was really excited to get on and share. And talk about confidence. So. Let me just start off with, there's a very big difference between confidence and arrogance. And sometimes we get those. Kinda mixed up and we worry that our kids are going to become arrogant. They get really good at something. So I thought I would start with just the definition. So confidence is rooted in genuine sense of self-worth. That is not dependent on external validation. But on the other hand, arrogance manifests as an inflated sense of self-importance and superiority. Arrogant individuals often exaggerate their abilities achievements. Or knowledge to assert dominance over others. So you can see there's a very, very. Big difference between the two. People that are confident. It's not dependent on external validation. It's it's a lot quieter. I recently started coaching a girls wrestling team, and it's totally new to our area. And my boys, I only have boys. I don't have any girls. All were wrestlers. And so this is a really new sport to our community. And. So consequently, we have some girls that are freshmen and sophomores and we're, so they're the ones that I was talking to about it. And so it was just really interesting conversation because if there's a way to help our kids. At whatever age they're at gain more. Self-confidence. How much better off would they be? When they serve missions when they get married. When I was growing up, And this is all just looking back, not. Definitely. Did not understand this in the moment, I felt very insecure in my ability to pray. And my ability to receive inspiration or to serve a mission. And I felt. Like. There was people around me that were better at it. So I just kind of abdicated to them. And so what I ended up doing was putting. Other people between me and God. I also started seeking like external validation. From sports that I played coaches validation, guys that I dated. And then after I got married, I put all of that validation. Onto my husband. That, that those were all of my needs. And so it just kind of strained our marriage. Because I showed up. Very needy and insecure. And so I started to recognize it. And I started to working, working on confidence on the inside. And. Realizing that it wasn't about how I looked or what the scale said. It was how I felt inside about me. And I also learned a concept when I went to the life coach school that I still use to this day. And I find myself wanting to build confidence in a new area. It's called dare of the day. And the first time I did this, I wrote down a list and I just brainstormed more than 40 things. And they were all things that. Kind of made my heart skip a beat. Like. Caused me to be a little bit nervous. So some were small and some were bigger. So a couple of examples. I really wanted to wear red lipstick and I want to do this because Taylor swift wears red lipstick. And I just think it's kind of her iconic look. But I think it looks so put together, but I'd never been, you know, in my mind, so bold. A bigger one was taking a singing lesson. So, as you can hear, I can have a raspy voice. And I'm probably pretty tone deaf and is painful for the people sitting in front of me in church. And so I thought taking a sing lesson, that'd be way out of my comfort zone. Another one that I did was asking to speak in church because who does that? And then I actually spoke. In church. So that was kind of two things in one. Anyway. So I made a huge list and I just brainstorm like anything I could think of that. It was just a little bit uncomfortable and then each day for a month. I decided that I was going to pick something off that list. So some days I was more prepared because I had to, you know, prep. Like buy lipstick or whatever. Or I had to schedule a seeing lesson. Then I was. And then some, some days required a lot less than me. And so, you know, I could get up and look at the list and I could pick something. Like calling somebody. To wish them a happy birthday, which is so easy now to just do on social media. So. When I'm working on something spiritual, I also make a list of some things that I'm uncomfortable doing. So. For me praying out loud for a long time. Was very difficult and I felt very insecure. About my prayers. Another thing with praying was sitting to listen. I'd heard people talk about that, but that was something that. Like actually sitting and calming my mind. And just trying to be very present was not something I had done. And so that definitely made my list. And then also some of the other things was people that always made recommendations about reading the scriptures. With a question in mind, like if you're more curious about faith, like you're reading about. And you're trying to find something about faith. And so just setting. An amount of days in a row that you're doing that. So you can start some gain some confidence in your ability to find. Answers to your questions. And so something that I've taught my missionaries while they've been serving. Is to write down in their journal. One thing that they felt the spirit. It that day. So that they gain confidence in their ability to listen and to be able to distinguish. What the spirit is saying to them and communicating and how it shows up because sometimes it's a nudge and it's something very, very small. I remember the first time that I noticed that there was different. Levels of the spirit talking to me. Was I was driving and I had this odd nudge that said, You know, get off the freeway here. And I was supposed to get up on the next exit. And I was like, that's weird. Why would I get off here? And so I ignored it. And I just pass the exit and you kind of come up over this hill and it was a dead standstill. And I sat in that stand still for 45 minutes to get to the next exit. And if I had just followed that little nudge, then I would have gotten off. So then looking back, I could see that that was a nudge. It was something that was out of the ordinary. It wasn't something that would normally cross my mind. Sometimes it's a lot bigger things. It's something a lot more direct where the spirit is saying something very definitive. And so just being able to understand and. W, you know, how the spirit communicates with them and so that they can gain that confidence and their ability to pray and receive inspiration. For themselves. Now I only, I only do this when my kids are in a really grounded place. So when they're calling and they're frustrated and they're angry and. Or they're homesick. I don't get into any of this. It's just when they're trying to work on something and they're asking me like, how do you, how do you do these things? Then I can kind of give them suggestions. And I always grounded in safety. And I said, basically what you're doing is you're giving your nervous system, the nod that you're safe. And so. Think about how. Many of our kids. I do not feel safe, praying. They won't get up in front of people and pray. I mean, how many adults don't feel safe, praying. So what a skill to do. To develop. And being able to build that confidence in that area. How critical and what a difference that will make in their life. And how much of a difference it'll make. If, if they build some confidence. Around their ability to receive revelation. So you can do this in any area of your life. You can do it. With your other kids, you can do it with yourself. Building confidence in your marriage? Like what would that look like? Which isn't asking somebody else to do something. It's just something that you are doing. And what would that look like and just brainstorming a list. And sometimes when you're teaching your kids, you want to use language that they understand. So when my older son was on his mission, And this is back when they couldn't make phone calls. So we were just chatting via email, back and forth. And I asked him, are you happy? Because I was trying to get a bead on kind of where he was at. And he said. In wrestling terms. Because he wrestled and he knew, I would understand. He said, mom, I'm flat on my belly. It's the third period and I'm getting wrote out. And so my response to him was. Build your base. So in wrestling terms, that basically means that you need to start to work to build up onto your knees. On, under your hands and knees. And that's also a way of kind of giving him the nod. How can you build some confidence? In this. A difficult time that you're struggling with. And so he talked about it when he came home from his mission in his homecoming talk, he talked about how he, he really. You know, thought that through and how do I build my base? How do I build my base? What does that mean? What does that look like? And so just being able to communicate in the language that they can hear. And they can really understand. And so like when I started this. Episode. I was talking about the girls wrestling. So here I have some girls that some of them have competed a little bit in junior high, but none of them have had a coach. And my, one of my sons is. The main coach and then I'm assisting. But I was talking to them about building their confidence in. In there wrestling. And how they're, how they do that. Is by practicing some of the. Moves that we teach them in matches, like in live matches. And so it's less about the win and it's more about, was I able to try the move that I'd been taught? And so it's, it's focused more on the skill. And so it was really interesting. And I also taught them the concept of the dare of the day. Or they make. A list of things that are kind of scary for them. And we're talking about freshmen and sophomore girls. What an impact that will be. Because as I was talking to them, a few of them were like, oh my gosh, that is a really interesting idea. And I said, yeah, but you want to do it in small, incremental steps. Like you don't go and do something huge. The first day. Cause then after that you're going to hide. You're not going to want to do anything else. You want to do some small things. Where you start to gain some confidence and you can start to feel what it feels like to do things that are a little out of your comfort zone, which by the way, I think they're already out of their comfort zone by just starting a new sport. And so just being able to like, kind of have those conversations and. Being able to do that with yourself as well. Think about when somebody is trying to teach you a concept and they don't understand it themselves. And I know for me as a mother, I was very insecure about my mothering. I was, and it's still one of those chords. That if somebody says something it's still, you know, can really hurt deep inside because there's still some insecurity there about if I did a good enough job with raising my kids. But reminding myself that, that I did the best job I could. And I built some confidence around kind of what I was doing as a. As a mother. And then the last thing I want to share is I watched a movie recently called the free state of Jones and it's got Matthew McConaughey in it and it's. About. The civil war. And it's it's based on a true story. And it's a guy who was from Mississippi. And he went back. Home. And he took his nephew who got killed. And then he started to defend some of. The women that were left there, it's just women and children. And the Confederate army was confiscating basically. All they had to eat and stuff. So anyway, It ended up being a really interesting group of people that were kind of holding off. Some of the Confederate army and they combined forces with some runaway slaves. And one of the questions that math you McConaughey asked. One of the. Guys that was a former slave. He said. And then, and I'm paraphrasing. It wasn't exactly this, I apologize. I don't know exactly how he said it, but it really struck a really good cord. And he asked the guy, he said, how do you know. That your. Basically a value. And he said, because I'm a child of God. And nobody can own a child of God. And. So that really, that, that line in that movie just really struck me because like, you know, of course it's a movie, but he said it was so much confidence. And so if we help our kids, you know, not just sing the song, but like it's very rooted in deep in their soul that they have confidence that they are. Children of God. Like think about how much confidence. They will gain. So that is what I have for you today. You guys confidence. How can we build it in ourselves? And how can we help our kids build it in them? And our missionaries. And also when they're dealing with difficult companions or diff difficult situations, how can they build confidence? And I would just offer. The dare of the day is one way. And then also making lists and it, and being able to follow through. And build the confidence in being able to hear the spirit and being able to. Have the confidence in our ability to. pray. And B. A son or a daughter of God. All right, I hope you have a great Thanksgiving week. If you're in the United States. And I hope that you have. A great week and you're able to put some goodness into the world. We'll see you next week. Bye bye.