50: Faith Journeys: Trusting God with Those We Love

Fifty episodes—what a milestone! I want to take a moment to thank each of you for being here, for listening, and for creating this incredible community.

To mark this special occasion, I’m opening up and sharing a deeply personal journey—my faith journey. This is a story of questioning, struggle, healing, and rediscovery, and I hope that it brings you peace and clarity, especially if you or someone you love is navigating a similar path.

In this episode, I dive into:

• My breaking point: grappling with feelings of unworthiness, guilt, and a high-demand religion.
• The impact of my children stepping away from the church and how that challenged my belief system.
• Wrestling with difficult topics like church history, polygamy, and patriarchy—and why I decided to stop carrying the weight of those struggles.
• How a loving, healing Christ changed everything for me.
• Practical steps I took to find peace in my faith journey: setting boundaries, giving myself grace, and reconstructing my testimony.

If you’re struggling to support a loved one who’s questioning or stepping away from the faith, I share:

• How to create safety by listening with curiosity and without judgment.
• Why you don’t need to have all the answers.
• The importance of prayer—not to change them, but to trust God with their journey.

Faith journeys are not crises; they’re evolutions. If you or someone you love is questioning their faith, this episode will remind you that growth can be messy and beautiful all at once—and that it’s okay to not have it all figured out.

Make sure to listen until the end, where I share tips for being supportive, staying anchored in your own faith, and trusting God with the ones you love most.

Resources mentioned:

• Come As You Are by Samuel Norton
• The Chosen series

Let me know your thoughts on this episode—I’d love to hear how it resonates with you. And don’t forget to tune in next week as we dive into strategies for dealing with difficult people during the holidays!

Thank you for being here, and here’s to continuing this journey together.

Warmly,
Michelle

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Transcript

0:30

Hello. And welcome to episode 50. Can you believe it? We made it 50 episodes. That's incredible. So I wanted to share my faith journey. I think it's a really good time of year because we're focused on Christ. It's also my 50th episode. And it's an evolution. And I'm hoping that this maybe will give some people that have. People in their lives that may be struggling. Some peace and some clarity about what might be happening. What was the breaking point for me? So I came to a breaking point where I started to deconstruct. The things that I had been taught most of my life. Because it felt like we had a very high demand religion, and then I had constructed. This very judgmental God. That was looking down upon me and frowning and very disappointed. And I had also constructed this guilt. That I had contributed to Christ suffering. And so I know that I have, but I had gotten to the point where I felt so much shame about it, that it didn't feel good anymore. I also had some trauma from my older sons. Mission. So, some of my kids had stopped attending church. Didn't feel good anymore. And I was kind of floundering about the concept because none of that resonated with me. If all of my children. We're not going to be present. The idea of the covenant path. Was too rigid, too straight. To non forgiving. That really equated to me, never feeling good enough, never feeling worthy enough, never feeling like I really belonged. It just kinda came up to a point. I couldn't do it anymore. I had some struggles that I had during this time. So I stepped away from the church and, and I'm going to give you a post, like one of the reasons why it was beneficial, that I did that. But during the time, I knew I was causing a lot of drama in myself and my family, my kids. But I really started to struggle with. Church history. This is very typical. Some of the. Inconsistencies. In congruencies some of the ways that we treated people, Some of the racism that I felt like existed. The patriarchal system that we're in and the place that women. Just feeling needed and wanted. And that. We were a value. The age old question of polygamy. The things that I could see was kind of the, we don't practice polygamy. As far as, like, we don't have multiple wives, but that you could be sealed to multiple wives. So in a sense, it was still being practiced by some of our leaders. And so it was still kind of being taught. So that was one of the struggles that I was really. You know, entrenched in. And then I have a really dear friend who I love. Who was married to a very good man. They had three kids. He had cancer and passed away. She consequently married her husband's best friend. And why. So her current husband is sealed to no one. And so that, that feels very, not right. That he's kind of been left out. This whole covenant. And the assurance that she was given was that they would be able to be sealed after they were dead. And I was like, yeah, but what about now? Right. So what about today? What about feeling like everything's going to work out today? And why can a man be married to, or sealed to multiple women? But she can't be sealed to multiple men. Like we have to trust that God's going to work it out so those are some of my struggles that I had. So, how did I get to the point where I could kind of resolve them? So one morning I was thinking about church history. I was thinking about some of those issues, kind of those. Typical issues. And I had listened to a podcast. I would cite it here for sure. But I just remember her saying the lady saying on the podcast. That she got to the point where she was able to put the struggle. Of church history down and that it was no longer hers to carry and the church could answer for that. And she didn't have to. And so she didn't really have to reconcile it. Because she didn't live in that time. And so for whatever reason that clicked in my mind. I. Decided to just. Pick up all of these things. I was struggling with. And just set them over here on the shelf. So those were no longer something that I was going to worry about. And then I read a book called come, as you are by Samuel Norton. And he described a healing Christ. Instead of this very high demand. And I, the description and the words he used. I fell in love with that version of Christ. And so that became. Where I started to orient myself towards, I started to orient my self towards and construct this very loving version of Christ. And this very kind and generous. And forgiving version of Christ. And another piece of that was I watched the chosen. I hadn't watched all of it. I went back and just started it over and I know that, there's some artistic liberties they've taken in. Constructing the characters. But I loved the way they made Christ real and that he was funny. And he was relatable. And. That brought the scriptures to life for me, it. Like when we read in 35, when he is getting ready to leave. And, he is in tears because all of the people are crying. About him leaving them. Like, I love that version. And so I constructed. I just reconstructed him into that version in my mind. And then also I had an experience where I was trying to rush to go back to church. Because I wanted to be able to go to the temple with. One of my boys. And I was praying really hard to help. Me resolve some of the bitterness and anger. So that I could still be an integrity. And be able to go and get a temple recommend and be honest. In all of my dealings. And I was, so I was praying one morning and God just laid it really. Really, really heavy on my heart that I was okay. Exactly where I was. And that I needed to have patience because God was working inside of me. And so it gave me this softening. And that I didn't need to rush. And so it just gave me room to really breathe. And allow myself to just be exactly where I was in the struggles that I was in. And then I was able to notice that. You know, as I would bring things up. And my prayers, like these are things that I'm struggling with. These are things that I'm, that I'm trying to, you know, heal some bitterness towards. Very very subtly Christ was able to soften my heart. And those still things come up. And I still take those to Christ. I still take those to God in prayer. And ask for. Help in healing. This, you know, resentment or bitterness or whatever it is. So how did I resolve it? So I decided that I would create a polygamy prenup. For my husband. And so we were on equal terms. So right now, if I die, he can get remarried and he could get sealed. If he dies, I can get remarried, but I can't get sealed. So I told him. And we came to an agreement. That he can get remarried. If I die, but he cannot get sealed. And that gave me the peace that I needed. Because then we were on equal terms and it didn't in any way, put me in a one-down position where it created. Kind of drama and stress inside of my body. So the church didn't change any other policies. They didn't do anything. I didn't write any letters. I just decided to resolve it between me and my spouse. And so that's how I came to it. As far as coming back to church. I did it very slowly and I gave myself a lot of room. When I went to church at first. If I needed to leave. I would get up and leave. If I started to get really activated. And I knew that I needed space. I gave myself that space. I also gave myself the opportunity to raise my hand disagree, or maybe offer another point of view. And I made a pact. With God, just in prayer. That I would never be silenced again. And if there was something laying on my heart, if I needed to say something or bring something to somebody. That I would. And I felt like that was totally permissible. And I had to give myself. Permission. Another thing that helped with me coming back. To church was I actually reached out to my local state president and I sent him a podcast. Episode, just describing why people are leaving. And I said, just. In case you're wondering, this might give you some insight because it was kind of annoying to me that there's a conversation being had about why people are leaving, but it's amongst people that are staying, but nobody was really asking me. And so I decided I was going to share that with him. And he responded with well, I'd love to meet with you and talk with you. And here's the executive secretary. And I was like, okay, thanks. And I got a sense that he didn't really hear me and he didn't really, it wasn't that interested. And so I was like, all right, well, thanks. Maybe some other time. And I moved on. And a day or two later, he actually messaged me and he said, I listened to that podcast. And I have so many thoughts. And so many questions, but the main thing is I want to be able to hear you. And I really want to listen. To what you have to say. And that was pivotal. Because I felt like I was heard. And so we had a very, he actually came to my house. He didn't, you know, have me come to him. It was very uncomfortable. He validated and said, I understand what you're struggling with. And you're not alone. And all of your struggles are valid. And I think the fact that he said all of your struggles are valid. Instead of trying to explain them away. Was very, very helpful. And helped me be able to kind of resolve some of those.'cause it's like finally, somebody heard me because when you talk about the church, it's such a big entity. It's kind of like yelling into the void. And nobody's really hearing you. But this was like at a local level. You know, he's somebody that, you know, has the priesthood keys over our steak. And so the fact that he could hear me and he didn't argue with me or any of that, it was a very pivotal moment. So how is my testimony now? And how has it changed? So my testimony before was very one dimensional. It was very much rooted in the church. Now it's rooted in Christ. And everything I do orients towards Christ. And I choose to attend church and I have all of this grace because there's an ongoing restoration, but it's not fully restored. Which gives me a lot of peace. Because I'm evolving too. And so the fact that there is this ongoing restoration. Has been amazing for me. I was also got to the point with my testimony that I don't understand everything, which for me makes God very interesting. I like the idea that he's interesting. I liked the idea that there's a lot of things I don't understand. And that all learn things as I'm able to grow.'cause I'm sure if, if he came down and answered all my questions. All at once I would be paralyzed. And it reminds me of the story. Of. King limo, NAI. When he was converted and he had fallen to the earth and I was like, I'm pretty sure that would be me. Me. I would have fallen to the earth. I would be struck down and it would be probably way beyond my comprehension. So I like the fact that he understands me and he. Gives me understanding as I'm able to handle it. And there's a lot of things I don't understand. And that's okay. So I've gotten to that fact where I really love the idea that God is very interesting. And I love to pray. So I would normally what I do in the mornings, I meditate. And I do kind of a meditation where I'm like trying to close my eyes. I listen for any sounds or things that are going on. Sometimes it's a fly buzzing or there's traffic or whatever. And then I try to really hone in to inside of me. And I try really hard to set myself up where I am sitting next to kind of, traffic where thoughts are running through, but I'm not running out there trying to stop them. And I'm just allowing them. To pass through me. And I also try to do a scan of my body. Where Mike tensing, what muscles are tensing what's happening inside of me. And when I get done meditating, then I'm just very grounded in a really good space. And that's when I like to pray. And I have, a journal where I make some notes. Have, people I'm praying for just what I remember, because I don't like the idea of like, I'll pray for you, but then I don't really, but you know, we say that with like this kind of false intent. So I'm very clear. Like if I say that, that I really am going to, so sometimes I have to go in and make a note for myself. Sometimes I'll make a note on my phone. If something comes up during the day, I'll make a phone note. So it gives me a reminder the next morning. So that I can make a note in my notebook and I can add it to like what I'm going to be praying about. Some very thoughtful. And I try to be very, very mindful and prayerful about, you know, whatever it is that I'm praying for. And I also try to, I kind of envision. That like God is hearing me. And that he is listening with a lot of curiosity and no judgment, and he's here for all of it. So I always envisioned him. I'm like, oh, I'm so excited. You showed up. I'm so excited to hear whatever it is. You have to say. And so then I also try in my prayers to include some time where I just am quiet. If there. Is anything that kind of comes to me. Or if I'm writing in my journal next. Then something comes to me. I just try to write that down, but I try to allow, kind of a two way conversation. So it's not just me talking at God. That God has an opportunity also to communicate with me. And so it's just a very grounding, lovely experience. And I look forward. To my mornings, when I get to do that. I also, if there's things that I'm struggling with or, you know, some bitterness that I've seen. Just interactions with people sometimes bring those up. And so if I see something or somebody says something and it kind of like, oh, there's a little outright there, you know? And as I've mapped my nervous system, a lot of it I'm brought in prayer. Triggers things that happen. I bring. To God. And I lay them at his feet. So that he can help me heal that or know what to do. So a faith journey can be. Critical in somebody's evolution. I want to talk about just a little bit of language here, because I think language is really important. If you have somebody in your life, that's maybe going through some kind of a faith journey. Some people call it a faith crisis. I don't, because crisis feels like very crisis energy. Like something's gone wrong. And that like, An earthquake. That's a crisis, a war. That's a crisis. But when somebody is deconstructing their faith and they're building it and even if it's not linear and it doesn't look the way that what you think has should. It's more of an adventure that they're on and they are trying to construct something that they, that is palpable for them. And so a journey is very expansive and it allows a lot of room for you to really grow and not. Try to be controlled or contained. And then just being aware that testimonies evolve and they grow, and sometimes it does take a deconstruction to construct something better. So my testimony was totally rooted in the church. And now my testimony is totally rooted in Christ and I believe in the church and its ongoing restoration. But it's not rooted in something that's not Christ. So now it's, for me, that is something so much better. And so if you have a loved one that's evolving and it's struggle and it's hard. And we hurt.'cause they hurt. That's okay. And just being able to allow them that space. So how can you be supportive? Like what can you do? Number one thing is listen. So it was really interesting when I stopped going to church, I thought for sure, like five, 10 people. Or to minimum would show up. Nobody did. Nobody showed up and that was okay. But when the state president came, when I reached out and he sat down with me and he listened. That was huge. He didn't come in trying to fix anything, trying to solve anything. Trying to answer any questions. He just listened. And told me, like my journey was valid. Another point that's really important for being supportive is don't be offended. Don't get offended by somebody struggles. If you start to get offended by something they're struggling with. Like there's talking about church history or talking about. Like me or whatever. If you start to get offended, that's actually an opportunity for you to map your nervous system and understand what's happening inside of you. And why did that bother you? Right. And so it's actually someplace for you to like, Really pull it up and explore yourself. But try not to just be there, like with curiosity. And be a safe place where they can anchor into having safe conversations with you, knowing that you're not going to, you know, get on, get on the offense or get defensive or anything that you can be taught to. I had some amazing friends that I've had for years that I do outdoor adventures with. I think I deconstructed almost my entire belief system. Week to week on our hikes or on our skiing. Just whatever adventure we were doing. I talked about where I was at. And most of my friends, I mean, there was times when you could tell that they were kind of giving me the eyebrow, like really struggle with that. But most of them just listened and they were so kind to hold that space for me. And they didn't start to exclude me because they, you know, some of my questions made them uncomfortable. So just be that safe place where they can anchor I've had some ladies that have told me. That had been in a faith journey that. They love talking to me because I don't get offended. And that's because I think that their questions and their struggles are valid. So don't be scared of that and include them in your prayers. Pray for them. That somehow God is working in their life and also pray that wherever they land that your going to be okay. And that somehow he's got this. And, you know, that's really what I had to start to do with some of my kids that are not active. I just had to turn them over in my prayers. I just told God they were years before they were mine. I don't understand this path. I don't know what they're doing. I don't. It's very unclear for me. I'm going to trust that you've got this and you know, that was a demonstration of my faith because there's nobody in the, on the universe that I love more than my children. And my husband and my family. And so just having faith that he has them and saying it out loud. Really helped me. Don't send them conference talks. Don't send them people to bear testimony to them. If they were raised in the church, they know all this, they know all these tactics. But ask good questions. Be curious. Be curious about what's happening for them. And be okay when you ask a question and they give you an answer that you don't love be okay with that because it's not your journey. It's theirs. So you have to be very okay with not making it about you. It's okay. That they're on this journey. It's okay. That they're trying to figure it out. And there's a lot of resources out there. For you as an individual supporting them, but there's also a lot of resources out there for them. But sometimes we get very nervous and very scared and very fearful. And fear is the opposite of faith. All right. You guys, that is my faith journey. In a nutshell, there's a lot of nuances that happen as well, but. I really wanted to share that with you. And hopefully that gives you a little bit of peace. If you have somebody in your life. And I'll be sharing some additional things next week for how to deal with difficult people, because the holidays, sometimes we're interacting with people that are not easy for us. So I'm going to try and give you some strategies, so make sure you tune in next time. All right, you guys we'll see you next week. Bye-bye.