51: The Key to Peaceful Holidays

The holidays can be a beautiful time of connection and joy, but let’s be honest—sometimes family dynamics can be… tricky. If you’ve ever felt triggered, overwhelmed, or unsure how to navigate challenging conversations or behaviors, you’re not alone.

In this episode, we’re exploring what you can control: yourself. I’ll teach you how to recognize your body’s nervous system responses, simple tools for regulating when you feel reactive, and how to set loving boundaries without guilt.

You don’t have to fix anyone or change their behavior to feel peace this holiday season. You get to decide how you want to show up.

If you’re ready to shift from chaos to calm and enjoy the holidays on your terms, this episode is for you.

What You’ll Learn:

• How to recognize when your nervous system is activated
• Simple tools to calm your body in the moment
• How to set healthy, loving boundaries
• The power of focusing on what you can control

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Transcript

0:29

Hello and welcome to the podcast. So this episode we'll be airing the week of Christmas. So it's a such a great time of year, but sometimes it can be kind of triggering because we're around a lot of different family members and friends. And sometimes that can feel a little bit overwhelming on how to navigate and exactly. What we want to do to interact with some of these people. So I thought I would talk about. Some of the strategies that I use and some of the strategies I help my clients use. So, and this is really geared towards our moms, like any of my listeners that are moms or dads. That. Are navigating kind of a difficult situation at home. But these are also tools that can help your missionary as they're navigating. Difficult people while they're serving. So they're very helpful in a lot of different ways. first of all, let's just talk about what we can control when we're dealing with people. We cannot control other people. We can only control ourselves. And I always like to say. That we control ourselves. Like. 2% of the time. And so it's so funny how we want really bad to control other people. And we have very loose control of ourselves. So it's a way of like really a growth area that we can focus on. And so when we're around people during the holiday season, And we start to notice. Maybe a nervous system response when somebody kind of pushes your buttons, they say something. Maybe you have a brother or a sibling or an aunt or an uncle. Make a comment or a snide remark. And you want to lash. Out that is your nervous system trying to protect you. And. Kind of brings up a little bit of that fight response. And what we want to do here is we want to be able to pause and notice our body's response. Where is it at in our body? Does that tighten our chest? Is it making our heart race? This is important because awareness gives us a choice. So we really want to be aware of these things. And it's a perfect opportunity. To help us be able to map. What's happening in our body and mapping our nervous system. And. How we show up. So then we just want to go to being able to regulate so some simple grounding tools, plant your feet on the floor. Take a few deep breaths. Four counts in. Four counts. Hold. Released for four. And you want to repeat that a few times? Focus on one thing. You can see one thing you can touch. One thing you can hear. Self-talk is kind of like maybe signaling to your nervous system, signaling to your body. I am safe. I can handle this. I don't have to respond right away. I can give myself time. And then just slow, intentional breathing can really help bring your body out of that activation and fight or flight. So I want to share just like a personal story about this. A number of years ago, I was at a family dinner. I'm ultra sensitive to missions because of some of the trauma that I've experienced. We were talking about. My son's upcoming mission call. So this is, you know, number of years ago. I was saying how it's really hard for me because I had this really interesting situation with one of my older sons mission presidents. I said to this family member. He told me that. My son's mission was none of my business. And this family member's response was it's not, he was correct. And you were wrong. So imagine what my nervous system did in that moment. First of all, we don't like to be wrong. We like to be right. And I was already very sensitive and at the time didn't know that I was dealing with some trauma. So I had this visceral response that happened in my body. And. It was so powerful. That you know, I mean, I lashed out very, very quickly. And my only thought that I felt like was very rational in the moment was I've got to get out of here. And I think that was like my nervous system, really being aware of my own safety. Because I was what I felt like not in a safe situation. It felt very, very dangerous, which is kind of what trauma does anyway. And so. You know, I've shared about this story before, but it was a very, very interesting. Response for my nervous system. And it gave me an opportunity to start to see it. Inaction. So now I can look back and I can see. So recently, You know, I've talked about. My son that was leaving and he was in home MTC. It was during the election. I had some things that came up very triggering for me and same thing. My body had this very, very. Visceral response and very, very powerful response to it. And so it was like really good data for my, for myself. As far as like how. My nervous system shows up. So, if you already know some of that, something that's very helpful. Or you already know that there's members of your family or, you know, people that for whatever reason, Have that kind of effect on you. Then it's a great opportunity to set some very healthy boundaries. And so let's talk about what boundaries are and what they aren't. So boundaries aren't about controlling other people. They aren't about getting people to behave a certain way. But they are about protecting your peace. So they're actually a gift to other people. So what you can do is decide ahead of time. What's okay. And what's not okay. So as somebody brings up a sensitive topic, you can calmly say I'd prefer not to talk about that. Or if you're going to continue to talk about that, I'll just go ahead and leave the room they have an option to continue talking about it. Or you have the option of getting up and leaving. If somebody raises their voice or something gets heated. You can excuse yourself. And walk away. You always want to use like a tone. When it's more of a loving tone when you're holding a boundary. So it's more like you can keep your voice calm. Even if somebody else isn't. Just because their nervous system is activated. It doesn't mean you have to meet their nervous system and raise them. So just keeping in mind about how they respond isn't about you. It's about them. And don't make it about you. Because your brain will really, really want to make it about you. And it isn't. And boundaries are not mean they create safety. And the other thing that's always interesting about boundaries is that somebody's going to cross them. And you can still love somebody. And decide where your limits are. So you're going to have a boundary. And they're going to continue to talk about politics. Let's say. And so you just get up and you leave and you don't participate. So one thing. Like to tie it together. So you understand the nervous system. And like kind of what your brain's doing. If you start to notice that your body is having a reaction, this is a really good opportunity for you to stand up. And excuse yourself. And kind of do an evaluation of like what's happening. And also. Not participate further in something that may escalate for you. And it may not escalate for other people because sometimes they can be having conversations and they're fine. And they're, they're not activated in any way, but you are. So it's. Being able to respect and. Being aware of your own. Self and like what you want to participate. In. And then let's just talk about mindset. So. We can't control their words. We can't control their actions. We can't control their moods. We can't control their nervous system. So, what you can control is your response, your energy, and your thoughts about them. So if something comes up and you're starting to have like all these negative thoughts about aunt Linda, Then what if you're able to reframe it and. What if aunt Linda's judgment is about her and it's not about you. What if your brother's negativity, isn't yours to fix? What if you just allowed it. I actually was having a recent conversation with one of my missionaries who was kind of struggling with. Some communication with his companion and I was able to point out. He didn't love some of the way that his companion was approaching and talking with people. And he was saying it's kind of clumsy and clunky. And so what was interesting is as, as we were talking. I pointed out. I said, isn't it interesting that your. Upset about how clumsy. Your companion is communicating. And yet your not communicating with him. And so it's also very, very telling to be able to kind of see what your thoughts are about the situation. And if you are creating the same result, Of the thought that you're kind of like judging somebody else in. So if you can see something in them, Usually there's something in ourself. So if we can see it. We can own it. So it's radical. Self ownership and not putting blame on others. And then also having a lot of compassion because sometimes people are acting out of their own pain and you don't have to carry that for them, so for this holiday season, I want to invite you to focus on you, pay attention to your nervous system. Use the tools to calm your body. Set boundaries that protect your peace. And like, I really encourage you to show up in a calm, loving, confident way that feels very authentic for you. So think ahead of time. And acknowledge that. It's okay. That this feels new or this feels hard. And know that the more that you practice it, the easier it's going. To become. So I'm just going to leave you with a question. To reflect on during this holiday season. And this is how do you want to show up for yourself? This holiday season. And what does that look like? Intentionally? All right. You guys, you are doing amazing work. I hope you have a very, very Merry Christmas. And I will see you. Next week. Bye bye now.