57: External vs. Internal Validation – How to Build Lasting Self-Esteem

Episode Summary:

Do you ever find yourself seeking approval from others to feel “good enough”? Whether it’s worrying about what people think of your parenting, your missionary’s success, or even your own emotions, external validation can be an exhausting cycle. In today’s episode, we’re talking about the difference between external validation and internal validation—and why shifting to internal validation is key to building unshakable self-esteem.

I’ll walk you through how to recognize when you’re relying on external validation, why it keeps us stuck, and four powerful steps to start validating yourself from within. This shift will not only help you feel more confident as a missionary mom but will also model healthy self-esteem for your missionary.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

✔️ The difference between external validation (seeking approval from others) and internal validation (approving of yourself).
✔️ Why relying on external validation keeps us stuck in people-pleasing and anxiety.
✔️ How to start defining your own success instead of waiting for others’ approval.
✔️ Four simple steps to build internal validation and lasting self-esteem.
✔️ How to help both yourself and your missionary navigate struggles without needing outside validation.

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Transcript

0:30

Hello and welcome to the podcast. So this week is The last week before state for girls wrestling. So I have been busy helping the girls get ready and hopefully be able to do their best and so that's kind of the thing that I've been concentrating on the most and it's been really really a fun season and And getting to know them and also getting to see some of the emotions and the messiness that comes up. And this is a topic that I've talked with them about a little bit and I thought this is very valuable to share with you guys today. So, this is really relevant to moms. It's the difference between seeking validation externally, other people's approval, versus validating ourselves internally, which is you know, building some self acceptance, self awareness, and this really is the key to building So, by the end of this episode, you're going to have a clear understanding of how to validate yourself without needing everybody around you to prove of your choices or feelings. So, Let's talk about external validation. External validation can come from any type of outside sources. Praise from parents, from friends. Approval, any type of approval. That could be social media likes. Leadership roles that we hold at church. Our job. Our boss's opinions. Any type of external opinion. And it feels really good. But it is temporary and it's quite fragile. So what we end up doing is chasing more and more in order to feel enough. And an example is like a missionary sometimes, and I've heard this from my own boys as they've been serving, is they they don't feel like they're being very successful if they don't get the baptism numbers, like the mission goal. Or as a mom, I If it was external validating, I would only feel like I was successful as a mom if my missionary was doing a really good job and thriving and not struggling. Another, excuse me, another example is teenage girls external, looking for external validation by always having a boyfriend. And this actually could be boys or girls, just always having somebody there. To love them because maybe internally they don't feel that way. I know that was a problem for me growing up. I definitely was seeking external validation by having somebody in my life that would validate that that I was of worth, that I was fun to be around, and that, you know, I was pretty and all the things. And so the reason that this has come up is because I was talking to my high school girl wrestlers, and we have some of them that sometimes mispractice. And the ones that come and they're very consistent, they want to do an external motivation, if you will. As a coach, they want me to say that. They can't mispractice unless it's you know, something valid or whatever and I keep reminding them This is a really hard sport and it has to come from inside of them I can't I can only externally motivate to a certain extent They have to internally want to do this and that holds true also for a mission. They can externally be motivated initially, but internally in order to be successful and, and to count themselves as being able to serve and doing all the things that they maybe thought they would. It has to come from inside of them. And so it's our, it's also. Internally validating. So it's externally motivating, external validations, internal validations, internally motivated. So it comes from within ourselves. It's our ability to decide for ourselves that we're worthy, that we're capable, and that we're doing enough. And I think that we have a really negative self talk culture about like some perfectionism and that we're not. It's very hard to counteract at times, but if you can internally validate yourself, it becomes steady and reliable because it's not based on other people's moods, it's not based on their reactions or their expectations. And so an example would be a missionary knowing that they're worth and they're worthy even when their numbers are low. Or a mom, a missionary mom, trusting herself to be a really good support, even if her missionary is struggling. So, the same thing goes for internally being able to validate, like, Okay, I made a mistake, and I'm going to, you know, correct, course correct, instead of clubbing myself for the next, You know, year or whatever, so it can be a very, very helpful tool if you learn how to internally validate. So externally validation can really keep us stuck. It's a trap because we're relying on and it can also create anxiety because we're constantly wondering, am I enough and do, do they approve of me if I post this, am I going to get some likes and this can really lead to people pleasing and making decisions to avoid disapproval rather from confidence and it is a way of, Not showing up in our true authentic self, and honestly, it's never ending. So even when we get validation, it fades fast. We crave more than we're seeking it. And some of the ways that we seek it are very unhealthy. An example of this is a missionary mom that's worrying about other people and what they think about. Their child like what you think about your kid as your kid has struggles Instead of trusting that you know, she's showing up the best way for her family. So One way that this showed up for me and I was able to see it and catch it was my son's mission was delayed He had some he had some struggles that he was working on and he was working With, you know, our local church leaders and I could tell that I started to kind of spin a little bit in anxiety because people knew when his Farewell was supposed to be and then it got moved back And so worrying about what people thought about what my son was going through instead of just trusting That I would be able to show up and also that he would be able to show up And so because I caught it I was like wait a minute that's an external validation that is a people pleasing and it's not authentic. And so when my son actually gave his farewell, he actually talked about being delayed and he really brought it into the light so that there wasn't any shame associated with it and there was not any hiding. And at that point, like it didn't matter. And I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea what he felt like, what anybody thought or how anybody perceived him because he, he had made sure that he was square with God. And so that really helped me and him create some of that internal validation. So I guess one of the questions would be like, how do we build internal validation and real self esteem? and First, I think the step the first step is to notice where we're seeking external validation And we need to ask ourselves some really good questions. Like who am I trying to impress or who am I trying to please? Whose opinion do I worry about the most and what do I make it mean when somebody doesn't approve of me? And why am I making this a problem? So Awareness just being really aware of that first and then just being able to maybe take a step back and reframe that. And I think that the most helpful way to gain some awareness of this is we can ask ourselves these questions, but it's really helpful to write them down, especially if we're in the middle of something that we can start to see that we're having some People pleasing or external validation seeking, you know, what's going on? I noticed this in one of the girls When she was wrestling she came off the mat and she had was in tears and she said I don't want the people to see Me cry and I was like, what is it? Why is it a problem that you're crying? and what does it mean if somebody else sees you cry and her response was it means I'm weak and so we we talked about it and we and I kind of talked you know with her and through about how emotions are part of our experience and that the people that saw her crying they don't have to approve of her for her to approve of her and so it was a really really good teaching moment for her so that she could really embrace like her the second step is to decide your own standards. So this is really interesting. I think it was last maybe June, maybe May, I was in a course and one of the questions they asked was, what do you value? I don't know if I had ever been asked that question. I had stood and given the young women's values. I'd, you know, I'd done that when I was growing up. I'd, you know, the few times I'd served in it, I'd stood and did that as well. I've pledged allegiance to our country. Multiple times, but to be asked what my own standards were like, what are my own standards? What are my own values from within me michelle evans? What do I feel like is important? Not just the things that i've been told and that gives you a really solid basis for what you're doing and you're being able to define your own values. And some of those are the, are very similar to what, you know, I've stood and said, and whatever for me, but it was very, it was a very helpful exercise to ask myself. And to get very clear on it. So, here's another example is waiting for your missionary to say, Hey, thanks mom, you're the best supporter ever. Just decide that you're a great mom and that you are the best supporter. Like, no matter what. And no matter how this mission unfolds. No matter what messiness comes up. No matter what. You're a good mom. And then also ask yourself, what kind of mom do I want to be regardless of how my missionary acts or regardless of what my missionary does. I've been visiting with quite a few different moms whose missionaries have come home for various And it's very easy to get caught in the trap of I didn't teach them enough and making it about us instead of letting it be about them and being able to be supportive and being able to, you You know be there for them. No matter what and Being able to validate like them you Everything that's happening here is not going to ruin their life. Like it's going to be okay, no matter what Even if it feels like it's not And then just being able to practice validating your own emotions And practice telling yourself, it makes sense that I feel this way. I'm allowed to want that. And I can also handle not getting it. I can trust myself to know what is right for me. I can trust myself and my intuition or the spirit or, you know, however you want to refer to that. An example is, is if your missionary is struggling, instead of thinking, I must not have prepared them well enough, you need to remind yourself they're learning, they're growing, and I trust them to navigate this. And even though it's, you know, doesn't look the way I think it should I trust that in the messiness, There is growth and they're going to come out of this on the other side, no matter what it looks like. And then the fourth step is giving yourself permission to approve of yourself. So this is a, this is a really key shift. We're stopping outsourcing approval. Instead of thinking, am I good enough? Am I worthy enough? You need to switch to like, I decide that I am enough. I decide that I am worthy of Christ. I am enough. My son, my daughter, my missionary, they are enough. So here's a few things that you can practice. I trust myself to make good choices. I'm already enough. Exactly how I am. I'm enough right now, today. I don't have to change anything. I don't need anybody else's permission to feel good about myself. I can feel good about myself. as I am. So external validation is really, really nice, but it's not necessary. And we definitely want our kids to understand that they don't need to chase it. And one of the ways that we do that is by modeling this behavior. And it grows when you practice internal validation. You don't need somebody else's approval to feel good about yourself. You get to decide and you can start thinking about yourself in a very kind, loving, graceful way, especially if you have been clubbing yourself for a long time. I've had a lot of conversations with people who have a lot of, Critical things to say about themselves and that internal clinic definitely running the show. So this is an opportunity to kind of kick that inner critic out of your head and really be able to invite in this compassion and love. And just, let me just leave you with a little bit of encouragement. You're already doing an amazing job. Not because someone else said so, but because you are doing an amazing job. All right, you guys, that's what I have for you this week. If you loved this episode, please, please share it with other missionary moms or other moms that you feel like this would benefit. And I just want to invite you to practice internally validating yourself this week and notice the difference and notice how Much it changes so that that internal critic doesn't give get so much of your time and space. All right, we will see you next week. Bye.