58: Conversation Lulls

Have you ever found yourself on a call with your missionary and hit an awkward lull in the conversation? Maybe they’re giving one-word answers, or they just want to sit in silence. It can be frustrating, but it doesn’t have to be!

In this episode, I’m sharing strategies to help your missionary (or any of your kids) open up and talk—while also helping you listen better. We’ll explore:
✔️ Why some missionaries seem chatty while others hold back
✔️ The role of nervous system regulation in meaningful conversations
✔️ How to prepare yourself emotionally before a call
✔️ Open-ended questions that invite deeper discussion
✔️ The power of reflective listening and creating a safe space

Plus, I’ll share insights from communication experts like The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nichols and We Need to Talk by Celeste Headlee, along with real-life examples from my own experience as a missionary mom.

No matter how your missionary communicates, your presence and support matter. Tune in for practical tools to keep your calls feeling connected, supportive, and meaningful!

If you found this episode helpful, share it with another missionary mom who might need it. And as always, take care of yourself so you can show up with love and patience for your missionary. 💙

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Transcript

0:30

Hello and welcome back to LDS Missionary Moms. I am Michelle Evans your host and today we're diving into something that I assume that many of us struggle with and that is keeping the conversations flowing with our missionaries when they call. Especially when there's kind of a lull. So if you've ever felt stuck in a conversation kind of wondering what to say next or should I just hang up or kind of what, you know, doesn't seem like they have a lot to say Or maybe they're just giving you one word answers, then this episode is for you. And we're, this works for your teenagers. This works for your younger kids as well. It's not just your missionaries. It's strategies to help them open up and talk and for you to be able to listen. So we're going to. I'm going to dive into some strategies today, some conversation starters, and some insights from some communication experts books that I've read. And we'll try to integrate some nervous system work so that you stay grounded and connected throughout these conversations that you're having with your missionary. So let's get started. Thank you. So I have noticed with my missionaries, I have two one of them I have great conversations with. He has been out for about 18 months and our conversations are fun. They're upbeat. Sometimes they're deep. We, we start talking about a lot of things that he's learning the way that he's understanding things and they're very, very connecting. And one of the things that he mentioned a few weeks ago was, He doesn't get homesick by my calls, but he looks forward to them because they're intellectually so good and Then I have another one who's only been out for a few months. He's been out. Well, he informed me last week He's been out for four fast Sundays. So he's been out for four months basically and he Our conversations are not as deep and sometimes we hit these lulls and I can tell that there's times when he holds back, you know, kind of information or what's going on. And there's times when he does open up, but it's more of a nervous system response because he's talking very loud and very fast. And so in those situations, my job is just to hold space and to listen and to let him process whatever it is. That's happening because he's he's gone through quite a bit of cultural shock and adjustments and And and while he's going through that, I'm going through it as well, but in, but in the moment, I try to just hold that space for him so that by the time he gets off the phone, he feels better. But since that's happened it started to calm down a little bit and he's starting to settle into missionary life. And so our conversations have kind of hit kind of a weird, weird place. And. So I decided that this would be a really good topic to talk about because I think that sometimes talking to them can feel like pulling teeth and some of the clients that I've worked with and also some of my friends who have missionaries out they have mentioned that their missionary wants to stay on the phone with them, but just sit there and not talk. And they get kind of frustrated because they're like well, You know, let's talk about something. So I'm going to help you today with some of those things. And just like try to understand some of the challenges. They're, they're busy. They're tired. They're often emotionally exhausted. They may not be in their best zone of resilience. They may be in Team Hypo or Team Hyper. But I've normally found my missionaries have been in Team Hypo by the time they talk to me. It's almost like they've tapped out, like they're so tired that when they don't want to talk and they just want to sit on the phone, it's normally just because They're more in a team hypo state, but we create, we crave that connection. And so we bring our own nervous system dysregulation into these calls. So if our kids come across as quiet. or not connected with us, we start feeling anxious and we might unknowingly pressure them into engaging in ways that they really don't have the capacity for. And so I've noticed that that is something that I do. Like I want to jump in and point out things like, Hey, this is your nervous system. Look at how, like, let's map this. And he's like, mom, stop. I just want to talk to my mom. And so it's being able to like really, you know, step back and invite a very safe space where they can feel free to open up at their own pace. And sometimes that pace is not very fast. So one one thing to remember is we want to regulate our nervous system before a call. So just check in with yourself. See how you're feeling. Is anything in particular coming up? Did you get good sleep? Are you feeling calm and at peace? Are you feeling anxious? Is there something that was left undone when you spoke the prior week? Do you have expectations of how you want the conversation to go? So these are all really good things to know what you're up to before you get on a phone call with your missionary. So we want to just practice a few techniques, some grounding things. Take a few deep breaths. I like to place both hands over my heart. I, I remind myself, my goal is connection in this call. It's not control. It's not trying to solve anything. We just as human beings, we want to solve problems. That is not our job in this role. So we don't need to solve that. So we need to be able to shift out of urgency. If you feel like the conversation needs to be deeper, meaningful, remind yourself that there's small moments of connection, no matter how small they are, but just allow them to happen how they am. And we can't really. Pressure them and push them into a deeper conversation than they're ready for. So my son, this is like a good Comparison my son that's been on a mission for 18 months. He's learned a ton about the gospel Our conversations are a lot more deep my other son It's not as deep and that's okay because of where he's at. So the, there's a book called The Lost Art of Listening, and it's by Michael P. Nichols, and he really talks about focusing on really listening and not just waiting for your turn to talk. So I've talked about in previous episodes, there's actually three conversations going on. There's what you're saying. There's what your missionary is saying. There's what's going on in your mind, what you're getting ready to say, and what you're anticipating saying, and there's also what's going on in their mind. So there's actually four, right? But normally three at a time. So if you find yourself like. Oh, hurry up and finish what you're saying so that I can jump in and say something that really is like, you need to take a deep breath and you need to pause and you need to allow your missionary to really speak and you need to practice listening. And this is something that I have started to concentrate on and I'm trying really hard to get better. This listening skill is valuable for your marriage, your job. Talking to your parents, your siblings, any of your children, your in laws, anything like this is actually listening without judging and being able to hear with curiosity. So one way we can do this is there's this, there's this real power in open ended questions. So Celeste Headley. In her book, We Need to Talk, she talks about the best conversations come from curiosity. So when we let go of trying to get specific answers or we try to manipulate or try to coerce the conversation in a, you know, a very. Specific direction that we, we engage instead with genuine interest and then the conversations flow more naturally. So here are a few great open ended question. What is something that made you laugh this week? Now remember when you ask these questions, if they're in a dysregulated state, they're not going to want to think about this. This is not something that you can, like if they're in the middle of processing, this is when you're hitting kind of a lull. And, and you're trying to keep the conversation going. So what's something that made you laugh this week? And then allow them the space to think, have a little bit of silence, think, and then respond. Another one is tell me about someone new that you met and it doesn't have to be somebody they taught. Sometimes they meet people and they don't really want to be taught. I've had a number of my missionaries. Talk to me about different pastors they've met and things that they have shared. So they've met some very interesting people. Be open to hearing about who they've met. Another one is if your mission was made into a movie, what scene from this week would be the highlight? And then what would be a small victory this week and this isn't to apply pressure for them doing something, you know, like having a baptism or whatever. It's just small, little, tiny things. One thing that my, my older son that he accomplished on his mission that he's feeling really good about is that he's really cleaned up his eating. And so when he goes to the grocery store, he's like, I don't buy junk food anymore. I quit buying. You know, junk. And these are the snacks that I eat. And he was showing me that he eats that you know, the package of chicken and he eats them with some crackers and a little bit of, you know, pickles and whatever. And he felt like that was a really big victory for him because when he was eating a lot of sugar and junk. He just didn't feel his best and he noticed that and I felt like that was a huge victory like we celebrated that together And what was funny was his victory turned into my victory because I actually went out and bought the same thing And so when I go cross country skiing or hiking right now, I'm kind of snow hiking because we don't have a ton of snow That's the snack that I have started to take with me and it's been Really great because while I'm out, I'm thinking about him too. And so it's like this small win for him turned into a small victory for me as well. And then just remember you always want to allow silence. Silence isn't failure. There's nothing wrong. It's an invitation and then just being fully curious and then we want to be able to always create safety when we're having conversation. So In a book called Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, he talks about every tough conversation has three layers. What has happened, the feelings about what has happened, and the identity. So if your missionary is hesitant to open up, consider what part of the conversation might feel unsafe for them, and they're afraid of disappointing you, or they're afraid of telling you something because it might scare you, or they're afraid that you might jump in and email their mission president. Are they unsure how to explain their feelings? Like there's a lot of different. You know reasons for our missionaries to be hesitant. So instead of jumping in with solutions like try this I'd love to hear about your week if you feel like sharing No pressure. Just know that I'm here. So try something like that. Like there's no pressure here and another thing that I found that has been helpful is My missionaries know that I am very sensitive to missions and they know that I'm very sensitive about them and their safety. And so I know at times they tried to shield me from some of the darker sides and some of the scarier things that they have encountered. And I always reassure them, I just want you to know I'm here for all of this. The good, the bad. The wonderful and the ugly parts of your mission and I'm here for all of it and I'm here for all of it and You don't have to worry about managing my emotions and my emotional state like that's mine to take care of So it takes the pressure off of them to try and manage me And so when you take that off, we create this space where they feel comfortable sharing more organically and authentically, and then just making sure also that, you know, you let your, your spouse or your other children know that this is something that you're willing to do. to help them with and like they can write you or they can tell you about what's happening and they can be completely honest and you're here for all of it and then you just have to be able to be aware of yourself and your own nervous system enough that you can stay grounded and if you notice yourself getting activated that you can do something to help yourself and get yourself back into alignment. So, how do you Do we stay engaged without forcing a conversation? We've all been in this situation. I know I have a number of times in a number of situations. There's been times when I've, you know, my husband's come home from work and I'm like, ah, I just really want to talk. And then I'm like, I don't really know what to talk about. And so I try to force a conversation and then it just ends up being kind of flat. So Some of the ways that you can do this is just using reflective listening. So make sure you understand, repeat back what they say in your own words and just say like, let me make sure I understand what you're saying. When you made, this is an example, my son was really frustrated because he cooked some pasta and it turned out disgusting is what he said. And so then he kind of was telling me what he did and I said, let me make sure I understand what you did you did these steps and then your pasta ended up congealed and not very good. And I wanted to make sure I understood his steps that he had taken and then making sure that I showed, you know, just. He was asking for my help. I wasn't going in to solve. He was actually asking, like, Mom, I don't know how to cook pasta. And so then I was like, okay, so your steps you did, these are the ones you did correctly. This is what you missed. You actually put the pasta in when the water was cold. It wasn't already boiling. You need to wait till it boils. And so, But I couldn't do that unless I made sure I understood what he said and we've heard about this Reflective listening and just making sure that you've engaged and it doesn't have to sound Robotic, it doesn't have to sound forced. It can come from curiosity. I'm just making sure I understand this works really good when you have Somebody that you're talking with who is in a dysregulated state Also, and you can just say, wait a minute, wait a minute, let me make sure I understand, right? Because a lot of times they're going in a lot of different directions and there's not a lot of cohesion in what they're saying. And so being able to say back to them and, and sometimes they'll tell you like, no, that's not what I meant. And you're like, okay, tell me again what it was that way, you know, that you're clear because your brain is making an interpretation and a story about what is being said and you're running it through your filter and your lens. And that's not bad. It's just very good to make sure you stay on the same page. Another way to stay engaged without forcing conversation is. It's just sharing some small updates, but just keep them light. You don't need to overwhelm them with too much information or too much bad news. And remember our, our brains have a negative bias. So we want to tell them the bad news. Unfortunately we had somebody that committed suicide in our, in our community lately. And I could tell when I was on the phone, I wanted to mention it because one of his kids. My, my boys know, and I really wanted to mention it and I had to ask myself, why are you wanting to tell him this? Is there any good in sharing this? And so if I have a question or if there's something that I'm like, not sure if they want to hear, I will ask them, are you in a place that you want to hear about some of the. Not so great things that are happening and sometimes they're like, yes, I do and sometimes they're like mom I don't want to know and so I'm respectful of that One way that I like to keep things light is I will just give them information about like, oh, yeah There's a new building going up. There's a new business coming in there's a new coach at the high school or a new, a new teacher or a new family moved in. I mean, little things that are not overwhelming. If they seem disengaged, consider consider asking them, would you rather just sit together for a bit? Because sometimes presence is more powerful than words. And sometimes just sitting there and being silent allows them to kind of get back into a grounded state and, and really what you're providing is you're providing an anchor into a safe space. So imagine if they call and you're in a dysregulated space, they're dysregulated, then nothing feels safe. And then calling home doesn't. generate you know what you're kind of hoping. So that's why we want to come into the conversation in a very cleaned up, grounded place. And then we can, you know, if we need to afterwards, we can also, you know, ground and, and do some things. And then just ending, making sure you end the call, try to end it on a high note. So here's some questions that you can ask that It helps them, like, you know, more of a positive, what's one thing you're looking forward to this week and be prepared if they say nothing, because that that could be a thing. Another question is what's one thing I can pray for you specifically. And what may be a scripture or a thought that's been helping you lately. And so this really helps them stay in a very positive energy. It gives them something to look forward to on their next call and conversations aren't They're definitely not about perfectionism they're really about connection and how we build that connection. So whether your missionary is chatty or reserved, your presence and your willingness to listen are the greatest gifts you can give them. All right, you guys, that's what I have for you this week. If you found this episode helpful, Please share it with other missionary moms who might need it and always take care of yourself so that you can continue to support your Missionary with all the love and patience that you you want to and until next time. We'll see ya. Bye. Bye