63: Helping Your Missionary Through Discouragement

Every missionary experiences discouragement at some point, and as moms, we feel it too. When our missionary calls home saying, “I don’t know if I’m cut out for this,” or “I don’t feel like I belong here,” our instinct is to fix it. But what if our job isn’t to fix their discouragement but to help them see their worth—no matter what?

In this episode, we dive into how we (and our missionaries) often tie our worth to external validation—success, numbers, obedience, or even how well we support our kids. Inspired by Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima, we explore:

• Why missionaries and moms struggle when success doesn’t look how they expected
• How to support your missionary without reinforcing the idea that their worth is tied to outcomes
• Simple mindset shifts and questions to help them see their mission as a journey of growth, not a test of worth
• How understanding our own worth helps us show up better for our missionaries

Missionary work isn’t about proving anything—it’s about becoming something. And the same is true for us.

Links & Resources:
📖 Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima

If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another missionary mom who could use some encouragement. I’d love to hear your thoughts—reach out and let me know how you support your missionary through discouragement!

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Transcript

0:30

Hello everybody and welcome back to LDS Missionary Moms. Today we're going to talk about something that's every missionary faces and every missionary mom experiences at some point. It's discouragement. Let's just take a moment when your missionary says something like, Mom, I don't know if I'm cut out for this or I don't feel like I'm making a difference or the language struggle is more than I anticipated. Or even, I don't even know if I belong here. It's really heartbreaking as a mom to hear some of those words. And our instinct is to jump in and try and fix it. And what we want to say is like the perfect thing that will pull them out of that slump and we want to remind them of their purpose, tell them how amazing they are and how that will make everything better. And some of the reasons we want to do that is because we're uncomfortable with their discomfort. I want to just challenge some of your thinking, but what if our job isn't to fix their discouragement? What if our job is to help them see their worth, no matter what? So, I have been obsessive over this book, Worthy, by Jamie Kern Lima. I got it in the library. By Interlibrary Loan, then I got it on Audible so I could listen to it also, and I'm probably going to buy it because it has been so impactful in so many ways, so I highly recommend. But in this episode, we're going to talk about some of the things that she mentions in Chapter 2 and kind of how that applies. And it hit me hard because it's about where we place our worth and how often we tie external validation and wow, does that show up for missionaries? So today we're going to talk about how our culture teaches us to tie our worth to results, why missionaries and moms feel discouraged when they don't see success, how we can shift the way we support our missionaries by not fixing them, but by helping them separate their worth from their mission. That it doesn't create so much feelings of like a rollercoaster for them inside of themselves. Number one, the problem is we tie our worth to our outcomes. In this book, Jamie talks about how we're conditioned to tie our worth to success, to results and external validation. And missionaries are swimming in this. If they have a good teaching day, they feel worthy. If they struggle with the language. They feel unworthy. If they baptize someone, they feel worthy. If no one listens to them, they feel unworthy. Does this sound familiar? Sometimes we even frame it like If I'm obedient enough, then God will bless me to find more people and that's all external validation and we do this too. Let me give you a couple of things that we do as moms. If we're a good mom who says the right things, we feel good. We feel worthy. If we lose our patience and we don't know how to help them, we feel like we are failing. And we tie that to our worth. And the problem is, this is a broken way of measuring worth. And because the truth is, our worth was never meant to be tied to outcomes. The world teaches us, if you're successful, you're worthy. But God teaches us, you're already worthy. So the second step, why do missionaries feel discouraged? They often experience Discouragement because they're working so hard But they're not seeing the results that they have expected and they've been taught that obedience brings blessings but they don't see those blessings as baptisms or they don't translate in a way that We set up as humans like expectations of how God's gonna, bless us. They show up every day and people still reject them. They hear stories of other missionaries having these amazing experience and they wonder what's wrong with me? What have I done wrong? Why isn't God blessing me? Am I not worthy? So if they've tied their worth to their success then every rejection feels very very personal. But here's the truth. Missionary work was never about success It was always about growth and expansion and this experience this rejection this loneliness The struggle is shaping them in ways They can't see and as moms it's hard for us to see as well Especially when they're in the middle of some really deep Discouragement and struggles so as moms instead of trying to tell them like don't be discouraged. You're doing great What if we could help them see their worth isn't up for debate no matter what happens on their mission that way when they face rejection they Don't tie it directly to their worth. We want to start separating our worth from our successes And here's a way you can help them. The next time your missionary is feeling discouraged, ask them, if your mission was never meant to be measured by numbers, what else could it be teaching you? Because here's what we know. God doesn't measure success the way that the world does. Their mission is shaping them into someone they could never become otherwise. They're going to have the most interesting things that they face that they would never face at home and their worth was already decided before they ever put on that name tag. Here's another question to ask them. What if this experience isn't about proving anything? But about becoming something because that's what missions do. They help shape people. They refine people, but they do not define them. And the same goes for us as moms. So when your missionary calls home and they're feeling discouraged, here's a few things you can do. Number one, you want to validate, don't fix it. Instead of trying to make them feel better, say something like that makes so much sense. This is hard. I just want you to know I love you no matter what and another one is your mission isn't about proving yourself It's about growing into who God already knows you are The second thing is try to remind them of the bigger picture help them zoom out instead of focusing on daily successes help the Help them ask, what am I learning in this hard moment? What am I learning in this environment? What am I learning about this culture? How am I growing even if I can't see it yet? What if this struggle is actually part of my transformation? What if this companion is part of my transformation in growing as a person? What if this is helping me learn how to communicate? Those are just kind of bigger picture. They want to zoom out and get kind of the 60, 000 foot view as opposed to right there being in the weeds of the everyday, you know, stuff of the mission. So help them zoom out. Help them see some of the benefit. Teach them to separate their worth from their results. If they feel like a failure, They'll create that. Remind them your worth is not on the line. Nothing you can do can make you more worthy or less worthy. God already loves you fully and completely. The mission is just helping you to see it because when they start to untangle their worth from their results, discouragement loses its grip and then it becomes an emotion that they can handle day to day without it consuming them. And guess what? This isn't just for them. This is for us because we feel discouragement, too We feel discouragement about what our younger kids are doing or our adult kids are doing we feel discouraged about what we're doing how we're showing up and We chase the idea of being worthy by actions outside of us if we can help ourselves, feel better about ourselves and really focus on our self worth and that it is not earned, that it just is, then we end up showing up in a lot better way. My son has shared with me a talk that they gave, I think it was Elder Bednar that gave in 2003 called The Characteristics. Or the character of Christ and while I haven't got to hear this talk he was describing it to me and telling me like how everything Christ does is outward focused and how he doesn't look at, you know, like, Oh, I healed these people, aren't I great. And make it about him. Everything is outward focused. And as he was describing it and describing how Christ is, I asked him, why do you think Christ was like that? And he was like, I mean, cause he's Jesus. And I'm like, yeah, I think it has something to do with the fact that he knew That he was the son of God. He knew it. He was grounded in it. He didn't need any external validation. He knew it without any wavering and if we can grow into knowing that then when we get knocked down it doesn't feel as devastating because we don't tie our worth to it. And so we just know that That we are a son or daughter of God and that cannot be taken away from us. And it doesn't matter if you're, if they're out contacting and somebody yells at them in their face. My son was telling me this happened to him. Somebody came up to him in the parking lot and just screamed in his face about how he should go home and what he was doing was wrong. And he was leading people astray. And I asked him, how does that feel? Like, what do you, what did you take out of that? And, and he said, it's kind of discouraging, but not so much that it makes me want to come home. And so anyway, we just kind of got into that kind of conversation about how other people have their opinions and it's none of your business. Even if they take it out on you, even if they're yelling in your face, you are still worthy. You are still a son or daughter of God, the end. It doesn't matter where they are in this. Life in this continuum. It doesn't matter what other people do. And that gives them the knowledge of their worth, gives them the confidence to keep showing up. So here's my challenge for you this week. The next time you feel discouraged as a missionary mom, when you feel like you're not doing enough, you're not supporting them in the right way. You're not handling this perfectly. Pause and ask yourself, am I measuring my worth by how I'm handling this? What if I'm already worthy, no matter what? Because just like your missionary, you are enough. What you are doing and how you are showing up as a mom. is enough and the more that you believe that the easier it's going to be for you to help your missionary believe it and the easier it's going to be for you to be more outward focused in doing all of the things in your life because you won't be looking for validation you won't be seeking approval from other people so you don't have anything to prove you are already So, I would love to hear your thoughts about how this resonates with you. If you read the book, Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima, I will include a link in my show notes to Amazon where you can, you know, grab that book. Or go to your local library. I would love to hear some of the things that you learn. And I would love to hear how you support your missionary when they're feeling discouraged. And just like I usually mention, if this episode helps you, please share it with somebody else. I actually have quite a few people listening that are not of our faith and it's helped them. And I've also had people that are listening that aren't missionary moms. if this helps you in any way, even apart from a mission, please share it with me. I would love to hear. So until next time, take care and remember you and your missionary are worthy and you are both enough. All right, I will see you next time. Bye bye.