66: What I'm Learning From My Missionaries (and you can too)

This week, I deeply reflect on how we grow when our missionaries do. With stories from my own life and honest moments of vulnerability, we introduce a beautiful framework to help you see your quiet transformation: the mirror, the muscle, and the message.

You’ll learn:

• How your missionary’s growth reflects places in you still unfolding
• Where you’re building emotional and spiritual strength (even when it doesn’t feel like it)
• How to listen for the gentle messages this season is whispering just to you

This episode invites you to notice the quiet miracle of who you are becoming—right alongside your missionary.

Grab a blanket, breathe deep, and let me walk with you through the beauty of your own becoming.

Share your missionary stories where you agree to allow me to share them:
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Transcript

0:30

Hello and welcome to the podcast. I have been thinking about this episode. I think I say that every time I've been thinking about this episode. This is probably gonna be a little bit more personal. I'm gonna share some stories and I want to. Share some of the things that I've been learning from my missionaries, and not just about them, but about me, because we talk about missions and we're all excited about them growing and what they learn, but there's also a ton of learning that we can do, and I want to offer you a way to start noticing the quiet, the beautiful ways that you are starting to change too, because whether you realize it or not. You probably are. So settle in, grab a blanket, wherever you're listening from. And let's talk about missionary work and not just theirs, but yours. So one of the reasons I was thinking about this was because I had a phone call with one of my missionaries. And he mentioned to me that he hadn't finished his personal study that day. And so he asked me if I wanted to do it with him, and I was like yes, I'm in. I don't even know what we're doing, but whatever it is, I'm all about it. And, and so he got out. The scriptures and he started reading and then he would stop and he'd say, is there something that stood out to you mom? And he'd say, and this is what stood out to me. And one of the things that stood out to him was when Jesus called his 12 apostles and he said, and it says something about, and these 12 were called to minister to the people. And he said, I really like that word ministering. And I have thought about that all week because if you're anything like me, I don't like to be told what to do. I sometimes have issues when I. You know, I see like the bishop or the state president, like, I like'em. I think they're great guys, but I get a little bit like, don't tell me what to do. But when my son said that, it made me really just soften and think about any type of church leader, religious leader that has been called to minister to us and how ministering is such a nicer, kinder word than. You know, being dictated to, or being told what to do, which is the story that I had come up with kind of in my mind. And so it was just a little bit of a softening,, and I share that because I learned something and it was just so brief and it was just such a quick moment. But it's something that I keep coming back to. And sometimes I think the real. Secret about this whole missionary experience, this whole parenting experience is that we're also being called, we're also being called to grow and maybe we don't go knock on doors or wear name tags, but we are on our own kind of mission. One that's a lot quieter, one that looks like staying home, learning how to manage our emotions, learning how to let our. Kids grow up, let learning to let them struggle, sitting with the unknown and uncertainty, learning to love unconditionally from thousands of miles away. And I love this quote from Elizabeth Gilbert. She says, the universe buries strange, jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can ever find them. This, this missionary experience, it has a way of starting to dig some of those jewels up. It cracks us open a little, and hopefully we emerge as something a little wiser, a little softer, and a little bit more loving. So I wanna talk you through a little framework that I've been playing with. One that's helped me notice my own growth through this missionary journey, and it's called The mirror, the muscle, and the Message. The first one is the mirror. It's what are you starting to see in yourself? Our missionaries, our kids, our adult children, in all they're becoming and all of the things that they're going through, they often reflect, reflect back to us, the places in us that we still have some becoming to do their experiences both beautiful and heartbreaking. They're like mirrors that invite us to see something. Just a little bit deeper about ourselves. This is when, when we talk about this mirror exercise, one of the things that I saw in myself is I was very. Activated and agitated towards missions for a long time. And, you know, I worked through a lot of that and it's very, very subtle work and very, very small shifts. But it was, it's been just a beautiful, beautiful journey where before I couldn't even utter the word mission without getting angry. Just because of the trauma I experienced with my older son's mission, and now, I'm on here. I'm, I'm talking about it weekly. And so it's like this opportunity to see small things in yourself and not in a judgmental way, just in a kind, loving way. So some things you can start to notice, what do their struggles bring up in you? So my. My things that came up in me with my kids and their struggles at first was I get very defensive, kind of having emotional outbursts, a lot, a lot of lack of emotional maturity to process my own emotions. I did notice that I wanted to get in there and fix things. I wanted to rescue, I wanted to control, I wanted to tell the mission president how to do things. I wanted to tell God that he wasn't doing it right. I mean, how, how bold another one is what happens when they start thriving without you? Does that bring up pride or does it bring up insecurity about not being needed? I think you can sit with both of those. Like there's times when I am so excited and I am thrilled with what's happening in the growth, and then I have this like smaller insecure side that's like, what if they don't need me anymore? And it's just being able to see both of those. Another one is what emotions rise when they're different than you expected? Did you have some sort of an expectation of what it was supposed to look like or what you thought they would grow? In what area? Are you grieving that fantasy or are you learning to love what actually is the reality and what actually they are growing into? I've shared a number of moments, but I have caught myself struggling at times wanting to lash out at other moms, especially of companions that my, my missionaries have had that they've maybe struggled with. And I've wanted to lecture some other moms about, you should be doing this, and if you would've done this better, then it wouldn't be so hard. And I, and I realized. Through this mirror exercise that it showed something about my own discomfort and watching them grow through some of their own pain and being able to allow them that without judging it and without judging the other people that they're interacting with which is huge, monumental growth. This mirror isn't meant to make you feel like you know, you're judging yourself. It's just an invitation to be curious and to get to know the person you're becoming right alongside your missionary or your kids or what, you know, whatever. It's just this invitation, and I think that God puts this natural curiosity inside of us and. It's there for a reason, and I think we can cultivate additional curiosity because isn't that what's so fun and almost like an adventure, just being so curious. The second one I mentioned is called the muscle. Where are you starting to get some strength? So sending your kid into a mission. Or off to college or into the military, it stretches parts of us that we didn't even know that were really tight. It's an emotional resilience training. Definitely a nervous system training. And here's the gift. You're building muscle even on the days that you feel weak. So I used to be a personal trainer, you know, years ago, and we talked about, being able to stay consistent and building muscle over time and that it doesn't happen overnight. So I, I used to think, you know, it'd be nice if missions were just one year, but two years, they really build some muscle. You are also, here's some areas that you might be finding some additional strength trust. You're learning how to trust your missionary. That he'll, he'll, he or she will know what to do, trusting their leaders, but most of all, trusting God. And I have mentioned this before, but there was a time I could not even utter that word. I my friend asked me, do you even trust God? And I remember sitting there going. No,'cause he is not doing it the way I think that he should be. Or all the, the, the promises that I'd been promised. And it was a very transactional way of interacting with God as opposed to just trusting surrender, letting go of the version of the mission you thought it would be and choosing to love whatever it is. I, I had major versions of what the mission I thought it should be, would be, could be. And then it was vastly different. And all of my kids' missions have been so different that when I think that I know oh yeah, I'm, I'm getting used to this. Like, I've done this. I've got two going, you know, out right now. But their missions are so different and so surrendering that and just loving what is. Also boundaries. Have you learned that? Have you learned how to give space and when to reach out with your missionary? Have you learned how to set a boundary about what you'll talk about and what you're willing to go into and have you set a boundary with yourself? I know that that is something that I've had to do with myself is I've had to set a boundary with how long I'm willing to talk because I am not kidding. I could talk all day. My kids could talk all day, but I was like, Nope. We have to have a boundary and be able to wrap this up and not just sit on the phone, however. Also being able to have some flexibility there because there are times when their nervous system are so dysregulated that, and, and I realize that I'm a safety anchor for them and they're trying to get anchored back into safety and grounded. And I definitely allow them space for that. And what about strengthening self-compassion, being kind to yourself when you're not handling things the way that you thought you would? Or being compassionate towards the companion that is maybe driving your kid crazy or having some self-compassion towards how you thought you would be able to show up and how maybe you're not exactly showing up that way. And what's one of the biggest muscles of all emotional fluency? And this looks like feeling disappointment. And staying present. Holding both gratitude and grief at the same time. We don't always have to be like hustling to feel better. We can have both at the same moment and letting your missionary have their experience without taking it personally. I've talked to a number of people and clients who missionaries have started struggling on their mission with their testimony and they've started learning a lot more things about church history and things, and. Sometimes the, the moms will take this personally, and I've had a lot of. Interesting reflection about that when I was basically deconstructing and reconstructing my faith and how I spiraled and how invalidating it was to try and talk to somebody who, who would get defensive. And it was interesting because I was like, why are you getting defensive? Like why would, why wouldn't God be able to take this? Like, isn't Jesus big enough that he can handle this? But then. Consequently what that's given me is the opportunity now that when people tell me about their struggles, I think they're valid and I am very, very open to hearing them with no judgment. And I don't get defensive about the church or you know, church history because you, we recover a lot quicker.'cause there's nothing to be defensive about. And that's a muscle at work. And that's a, that's something that is in, in process and I feel like that's something that I'll probably be working on forever. but just noticing that you're becoming spiritually and emotionally strong in ways that are going to serve you for the rest of your life and looking at those. As opportunities for growth. And then the third thing is the message. What is this season teaching you? So every experience with your missionary, every email, every phone call, every silence, every shift in their tone is a message and you get to choose what message you take from it. And this is where our brain comes in and kind of starts to spin stories. And we do that very. Reactionary, very unintentional. But this is giving you an opportunity to invite you to be intentional. So these are some of the questions I like to ask myself. What am I learning about my kid that I didn't know before? So one of the things that, one of my missionaries I'm starting to notice with him, he's very funny, but he has this very. Deep depth side of him now where he desires to be a disciple of Christ. I didn't know that before. I wanted that, but I didn't know it. Now I know it. What am I learning about God's timing and wisdom? So I have one that's coming home in like four months, and I have one that's been out for five months and the one that's been out for five months, our conversations, they lack some depth. They're fun and it's great to see, you know, what he's doing. But I've been learning that God's timing and his wisdom and the growth that my. Missionaries experience that that is up to them and it's up to God and it's their timing. It's not mine. And what am I learning about the woman I'm becoming through this. So this is a great question to ask yourself. What are you learning about the woman that you are becoming through having a missionary out? Some of the things, I'm learning to let someone else's life be theirs. I've learning about my nervous system like crazy. I have learned I don't need to understand everything in order to trust it, and that that was a big one for me. Very, very difficult for me. I wanted to understand why is my son's mission being delayed? Why, who's behind this, how many people are involved? But I don't actually have to understand it. I can just trust it. And some of the message that you may be learning may not be really loud. Sometimes it's just more like a whisper. It's like a very gentle, subtle shift, something tender that starts to really unfold slowly over time. And I would just invite you to let it. Let me share another personal story that really hit deeply for me. My, my youngest son, before he was going, he came to me and he said, do you think I should read the Book of Mormon before I go on a mission? And I said, I mean, that's an option. And he was like, okay. Because I knew if I said. You know, and if I was on him and I was like, you have to do all the things, I knew that he would end up pushing back on me and he wouldn't do it anyway. So I just left it up to him. And I just say a lot of prayers, and in my prayers I always include like with all the faith that I know how to muster, I'm asking. For your help in helping my, kids soften their hearts and move towards Christ and orient towards Christ. And it's been just a very interesting even fun experience at times. Let's go really practical. Here's a few more specific areas where you might just notice some change. In how you talk, are your weekly emails less about, are you okay and more about I trust you? Are you offering less advice and encouragement more? What about in how you pray? Are your prayers shifting from, please fix this to please help me grow through this. Are you starting to pray more about your Chi Child's spiritual agency than about their comfort? Like that's a hard one.'cause we none. I don't know any mom that's like, sign my kid up first from struggles, but they're gonna have'em no matter what mission or no mission. What about in how you feel connection? Are you starting to feel connected to your missionary even when communication is sparse? How about are you building a relationship with the real missionary? They are now, not just the child that they sent out. I had an interesting experience with one of my older boys, he coaches. He, he coached high school boys wrestling for a number of years and then this year switched over to girls. But when he was teaching, coaching some of the boys, there was some of them that would kind of irritate him and he said. One of the guys that graduated a few years ago. He's having to work with and, and I just said, why don't you just give him a little bit of room to let, let him grow up? And he came back and told me like months later, I actually had totally forgotten I'd even mentioned that. And he said, man, that helps a lot when you give somebody a space to grow up and you give them room to grow. And you don't just keep them in that mold that you saw them in when they were in high school. And that's the same. With our missionaries our adult children and even our younger children. Are you starting to build a relationship with who they are right now, not just the child they used to be that you sent out? What about and how you think are your thoughts shifting from, this is so hard, I don't wanna do this to, this is changing me and I am doing this. Or from, I don't know how to do this, to, I'm learning as I go and this is applicable in so many areas of our life. Those, those little sneaky thoughts that keep us stuck. I definitely have some of those at times with technology and I sometimes wanna just say, I don't know how to do this. I don't wanna know how to do this. But then I catch those like sneaky thoughts and I'm like, wait a minute. The world is moving forward. It's a technological world, like I wanna be part of it. And so it's a lot more empowering. These are signs, they're like little trail makers evidence that you're not just surviving your missionary's mission, but you're also being transformed by it. So this week I just want to invite you, what is your mirror showing you? What muscles are you building? What message is being whispered just to you? You are not just supporting a missionary, you're living a mission of your own. It's quiet, it's courageous, and it's full of grace. Thank you so much for being here today, and if this episode helps you, I. In any way on your journey, I'd love to hear from you. So come on over to Instagram. That's where I hang out the most. My Instagram handle is in the show notes. Just click on it, come on over and send me a dm. I'd love to hear from you, I would love to have you leave a review for this podcast. It helps more moms find this work and remember that you're always doing better than you think, and if you give yourself as much grace as you possibly can. That is just such a benefit for you and everybody around you. Alright you guys, I will see you next week. Bye-bye.