68: Balancing Having a Missionary and Aging Parents

This episode is for the women in the middle—the ones answering emails from missionaries while navigating doctor appointments with aging parents. The ones holding everyone’s emotions, while their own heart quietly stretches and breaks.

Today we talk about how to stay anchored when life pulls you in opposite directions.

You'll learn:

• How to support your missionary without abandoning yourself
• How to love your parents without losing your sovereignty
• How to be onto your brain when it starts whispering victim-y lies

We’re not here to spiritually bypass hard things. We're here to show up, even when it’s messy. You’ll hear the mindset shift I use to avoid resentment (even during fast and testimony meeting 😉) and how to protect your energy without pretending everything is fine.

This is deep work—but it's the kind that leaves you feeling steady, empowered, and like you.

And as always, your missionary doesn’t need a perfect mom. They need a real one.
One who’s learning to live from her calm center.

Share your missionary stories where you agree to allow me to share them:
michellesevans.coach@gmail.com

Missionary Mom Journal: https://www.amazon.com/Missionary-Mom-Chronicles-Michelle-Evans/dp/B0CFZ9GZS8/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2FMSPY3SBZMDG&keywords=missionary+mom+journal&qid=1704483351&sprefix=missionary+mom+journa%2Caps%2C181&sr=8-4

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Transcript

0:30

Hello and welcome to the podcast today. So I wanna talk about something that's really interesting because sometimes we can feel like we're being pulled in two very different directions. You've got a missionary out in the field, in your heart, is partially out there with them, and then back here at home. Life is still very much happening, especially if you have aging parents who have started to need some. A little bit more of your support and maybe some attention, and it's kind of a weird in-between space'cause you have one foot in the future with your child. You're watching them grow. There's all these things happening, all this change. And then you have one foot in the past with the people who raised you, and then you're just right there in the middle and that's you. And the truth is it's easy to feel lost in that space, kind of like you're invisible, or that no one sees how much you're doing or that life is happening to you. So today we're gonna talk about how to stay anchored, how to support the people that you love without abandoning yourself in the process and how to be onto your brain. When it starts, whispering lies about that kind of leaves you feeling like a victim of your life because I promise you, you are not powerless. But sometimes we have to slow down and we remember that. And so one of the reasons I wanted to touch on this topic is because this is something that's happening in my life and I live close to my parents. They moved near me about. Six years ago or seven years ago, and with the idea that I would help them as they got older. And then I find myself in this situation and I find myself really working through some of the things that have come up. I have two missionaries out serving, plus I have some aging parents. And also this applies not only to aging parents, but if you have missionaries out and they're your first and you have. At home, you have your younger kids too. So it's like anytime you're feeling pulled in different directions. But this middle place is just a really tender place. This season of life is really full and you're trying to answer your missionaries phone calls and if they send emails. Maybe even offering some encouragement, like if they're getting discouraged or helping them anchor in safety, maybe their nervous system is kind of dysregulated at times. And so you're trying to create some of that. And at the same time, you're fielding calls from your siblings, doctor's offices your parents that maybe are calling you and they don't remember that they've told you things already. It's not just doing these things that that's exhausting. It's also holding. It's holding the emotions, holding the mental load, holding the responsibility, holding your own heart. That feels like at times that it's quietly breaking and stretching in a lot of directions all at the same time. And it can be really, really tempting to believe that you're at the mercy of all of it, and that is just how it has to be now and that you're trapped. But this is what I want you to hear. You can love people deeply and still have boundaries. You can show up for other people and you can stay totally connected and grounded in yourself, and you can honor the stewardship. Of helping and assisting your parents without losing your sovereignty doesn't, you don't have to be swallowed up. So here's where I'm gonna bring in a little bit of coaching'cause this is like the good stuff and this is what we all really want help with, is your brain loves to be efficient. And when your brain is exhausted or overwhelmed, it's gonna serve you up the easiest narrative possible. This is too much. No one else is helping. I'm always the one stuck doing everything. I can't do this anymore. Does this sound familiar? Any of you guys? Hopefully something am thiss resonates with you. This is really a victim brain, and it's not wrong. It's not bad, it's just doing what your brain does. But if we're not onto it, then we start to believe those thoughts is truth and then we start living from them and we can create a lot of resentment and anger. And we'll start showing up like women who are stuck and more powerless and we start talking like we have no options, and we start parenting and caregiving from a place of resentment and burnout, which that is totally not where we wanna be. Instead what if you paused and you just got really curious, what if you notice those thoughts and you're just able to gently ask yourself, oh, is that true? Or is that just my brain on autopilot trying to feed me some thoughts and ideas? So what if you could say, I can see that my brain, I can see what it's doing here. It thinks that I'm stuck, but I'm not. I may be stretched. It may be a hard season, but I'm also wise, capable, and resourceful. You get to be onto your brain and from here you get to choose something different. You have to kind of be onto like what your brain feeds you.'cause we create neuro pathways when we have thoughts that we choose to think over and over again. I can tell you something that happens to me, that my brain is uberly efficient. And when I get overwhelmed, stressed, or I feel like I'm stretched, my brain likes to say things like, you need a treat. I think you need some sugar. And then you'll feel better. And normally I don't. I feel worse, but my brain, I've done that for so long, I have to make a very conscious effort to be able to see it and see what my brain is feeding me. And also. I also love to say back to my brain, I'm choosing this, so let me give you a separate example. Other than aging parents, have you ever been in a sacrament meeting that is a testimony meeting and there's A few people that get up and, you know, bear their testimony every month like clockwork and it can be kind of annoying at times. And I was actually having this conversation with one of my friends and we were talking about it and I said, you know how I stay out of resentment towards that? And she was like, how? And I said, I just tell myself, no, no, I'm choosing this. And so I do that in a lot of areas in my life. Like if I see resentment coming in, or I see kind of like an annoyance, I'm like, oh, I'm choosing this. I'm choosing to attend church. I'm choosing to come to Sacrament. I'm choosing to be open to whatever I'm being taught, I'm choosing this and it's very, very proactive. So this also helps when you have aging parents and you're helping is just being able to tell yourself like, I'm choosing this. In this moment, I'm choosing this. I'm choosing to help them. And this is something that I mentioned, I am facing, I, I deal with this on a daily basis and my parents aren't getting any younger, as long as I'm staying focused on them and helping them, like I'm choosing this, then I can stay pretty clean. But if I start looking around and my brain starts feeding me ideas like, your siblings should be helping more or so and so should call them, or maybe her ministering sister should be visiting her more often. If I do anything like that, then I start to create resentment and I am creating it, and because I'm creating it. I can uncreate it. And so it's like being really on to what your brain is doing so that you don't create those resentment pathways and you keep things very cleaned up. And that is something that I am working on myself. And so I. That's one of the reasons I really wanted to share it. Let me say something really clear here. This isn't about spiritually bypassing hard stuff, and I'm not here to tell you just be grateful or just to think happy thoughts. That's totally not it. I'm here to help you notice when your brain is telling you a story that keeps you disempowered and we really wanna protect your energy and it doesn't mean. Protecting your energy does not mean pretending. Everything's fine. My mom having cancer does not feel fine. I'm not gonna pretend like that feels fine, right? It means noticing when I start carrying somebody else's emotional backpack, I. And gently putting this down. So I love backpacks. I am an outdoor enthusiast of epic proportions, and so this idea of emotional backpack really resonates with me. But it can be anything for you, like whatever it is. When you start noticing you're carrying somebody else's emotional backpack, or if you're putting on somebody else's emotional shoes, if you're drowning in somebody else's emotional. Pool. It's gently being able to set it down or to get out of that pool and it means you just have to ask yourself some really simple questions. Is this mine to carry? Do I like who I am when I show up this way? What would love do here for them and for me? probably my favorite question is, do I like who I am when I show up this way? Because when I show up, resentful, angry, annoyed, snarky I don't love the way that feels. I don't love the way that, feels in my body. And I usually end up having some regrets. So this is real work. Like honest to goodness, when people talk about deep work, this is deep work. It's not flashy. No one's gonna give you a gold star, but it's work that helps you stay very steady and helps you start to shift. And I find that if it gets a little overwhelming and I start getting, resentful one of the things that I like to do is I just like to take it to God in prayer and just open my heart and just ask him to help me carry this load. This is the work that allows you to answer your missionaries email with a really deep presence instead of pressure.'cause sometimes we get, we feel a lot of pressure if they're struggling, but it's like being really present and being really aware. It, it also allows you to take your mom to an appointment without spiraling and resentment. It allows you to have conversations with your siblings without thinking about all the things they should be doing, kinda keeps you cleaned up and keeps your side of the street cleaned up. It's what helps you pause before you say yes to one more thing because you know that your energy is sacred, and it's also being able to know when to step back and to take care of yourself. Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is to take a nap because honest to goodness, if you're lacking sleep, none of this is gonna come together well for you. Sometimes you have to say no. I said, no. This week I had my ministering sisters that wanted to come and visit me. I'm in the middle of doing a big move where I am actually moving in with my parents to help them during the week. And I, I initially, I felt a little bit of pressure like, oh, I need to let him come. But then I just said, I actually don't have the energy this week. And so I just said, I can't this week. It's not a good time. Sometimes it's sitting in your car and crying and then deciding on purpose that you're going to keep showing up anyway and you're gonna show up from just a different emotional place. And sometimes you're just gonna show up tired. I. And that's okay too. I just want to remind you of something that this season will not last forever. So how do you wanna show up in it? The habits that you create now, the grounding time for yourself, the being onto your brain of being able to honor your energy. these things can last a lifetime and they're a gift. And you're missionary. They don't need a perfect mom. They need a real one. They need a resilient real mom and one who's learning how to live from her calm center, that when you get activated and you're in team hyper or team hypo, that you also can draw on the information you've gathered about yourself so that you can regain your footing and get your legs back under you, and you can get back to your calm center so that you can show up the way that you want. But your missionary they need to see this. And your parents, they don't need a hero. They just need a daughter who knows her limits and offers what she can without pretending that she doesn't have any. And you, you need, you. You need to be fully present, fully human, fully capable of walking through all of this with grace, even when it's messy and it feels really hard. So take a deep breath here and get really curious about what your brain is telling you. And remember that you're not a victim of this life. You're the author of it, and you're doing a beautiful. Beautiful job. So if this episode helped you breathe just a little bit easier, maybe calm your nervous system down just a little bit, you can come over and hang out with me on Instagram. That's the main place I hang out and I'm not on there a ton. I actually don't do a lot of social media anymore. I. And then there's, this is the kind of work that we can do together every week on this podcast, learning how to stay regulated, to be present, and to choose love without losing ourselves. So just remember that you're not alone, you're not stuck. You're just in the middle of something really important and you've, you've got this, and that is what I have for you today. Now, I wanted to start a new thing. On my podcast, I got an email the other day that said I had fan mail on my podcast and I was like, wait, what? What is fan mail? So I was really excited to go in and read what somebody sent me. I. And so I decided that from now on, if somebody sends me fan mail, I'm just going to include it at the end of my podcast, so I'm just gonna read it. It said thank you for your podcast. I have one missionary out and one who is about to submit an application. I just wanted to tell you how happy I feel after I listen to your podcast and how helpful the topics you cover are. Oh, I love this. And I actually did a search to see if there was a way that I could respond to fan mail and that I could, you know, send out a thank you. But there isn't because it, it, it does come through basically anonymous. So I. Thank you so much for sending this. This came from Sheridan, Wyoming, thanks for, for listening and thank you so much for the message. Alright, everybody, have a fantastic week and let's just keep working slowly through this life together and hopefully we can just make small shifts, small changes, and continue to open our heart to Christ. We'll see you next week. Bye-bye.