Return of the Light Episode 1 - TENDER

If you’re not yet ready to come out of hibernation then this episode is for you. 

Editor, Lisa Sykes, and wellbeing editor, Rebecca Frank are being kind to themselves, enjoying animal love stories, hugs and other tender gestures, learning how to seek out glimmers, make amends and discovering the importance of saying sorry.

Editing and music by Arthur Cosslett. Season 5: Return of the light is supported by Blackdown Shepherd Huts

Small Ways to Live Well is a podcast from The Simple Things, a monthly magazine about slowing down, remembering what’s important and making the most of where you live.

You can try an immediate start subscription at www.thesimplethings.com/subscribe and receive the current issue straight away, or buy current and back issues at https://picsandink.com/collections/the-simple-things. If you can’t find the issue you’re looking for send us an email hello@picsandink.com

Editing & music by Arthur Cosslett

To read:

Self-Care For Winter: Seven Steps To Thriving In The Colder Months by Suzy Reading (Aster)

Talk: The Science of Conversation and The Art of Being Ourselves by Alison Wood Brooks (Penguin Life)

How To Have Extraordinary Relationships by Lucy Cavendish (Hardie Grant)

Why Buy Roses in February? Campaign from SSAW Collective about ethical ways of working with seasonal produce. 

To listen:

Vardrypp – from a Norwegian reader, it's about the moment when the snow starts to melt / drip and you know winter is ending and spring is coming (March in Norway)

Sunshine and Moonbeams by reader Louise Ashcroft

Team TST’s mixtape playlist – all about the songs we remembered from mix tapes past

To buy:

Valentine’s Day alternative ideas:

Scented narcissi www.scillyflowers.co.uk

Devil’s ivy (Golden Pothos)

String of hearts (Ceropegia Woodii)

 From The Simple Things:

In the February GLIMMER issue: 

Kitchen therapy: feeding your senses 

Glimmers: small moments of joy 

Animal love matches 

Coming up in the March MEND issue (order via picsandink.com from 20 February)

Making amends: how to say sorry 

Clementine Curd recipe 

Flourish – volume 3 of our wellbeing bookazine

You can try an immediate start subscription at www.thesimplethings.com/subscribe and receive the current issue straight away, or buy current and back issues at https://picsandink.com/collections/the-simple-things. If you can’t find the issue you’re looking for send us an email hello@picsandink.

Transcript

Lisa Sykes (00:14):

Hi, welcome to Small Ways to Live Well, it's the podcast from The Simple Things, which is a monthly magazine all about remembering what's really important, slowing down just a little bit now and again, and making the most of what you have and where you live. I'm Lisa Sykes, the editor, and this is the start of our new season, which we're calling Return of the Light. So hopefully we'll be your companion guide as we welcome back spring. Now we're actually recording this on Blue Monday, officially the most depressing day of the year, and there's very little evidence of spring out there just yet. So I'm here with Becs Frank, who's our wellbeing editor, and together we're going to talk about the importance of being tender at this time of year, because if you are not ready to come out of hibernation just yet, then I think this is probably the episode for you. Hi Becs. And now you're going to be a bit gentle with me today, aren't you?

Becs Frank (01:02):

Hi Lisa. Yes, of course. I mean, this time of year it's all about being gentle, isn't it, to yourself and to other people.

Lisa Sykes (01:09):

Yeah, I think so. And I'm not sure how I feel about the phrase, but I get what it means, and I think you have to make it a priority, don't you?

Becs Frank (01:16):

I think so, yeah. I think it's about appreciating the people that are nearest and dearest to you, but also just showing some compassion for yourself.

Lisa Sykes (01:25):

Definitely. I will put a warning out. We will possibly be mentioning Valentine's Day that most mom might have celebrations, but there will definitely be hugs, words of comfort, saying sorry, and my own personal treat. I think we're going to talk about a few animal love stories, which is always nice to hear. But before we start, I am very pleased that one of our longtime supporters of the Simple things, Blackdown Shepherds Huts, is our sponsor for this podcast season. And if you haven't seen their beautifully crafted garden huts, then feed your dreams and go to blackdown shepherd huts.co uk. The links in our show notes, and I guarantee you're going to be soon planning where you'd put one, just what you use it for and how you decorate it. You'll have a Pinterest board started before you even know it, but Shepherds did not ever live like this. I dunno if you've seen any Becs, but they've got oak floors insulated with sheep's wool and a wood burner. So they really are a hook for all seasons. They're so beautiful. Really nice. Well, we'll share more with our listeners over the season. We're quite excited because we're going to be recording our Easter special from one of them at the workshop where they made, which is quite near you in Summer Setbacks, isn't it?

Becs Frank (02:33):

Yeah. I can't wait for this. I know. Do we get to stay there for the weekend, do you think?

Lisa Sykes (02:36):

Well, I'm working on that. Luck us though. I know. So thanks very much to Blackdown for helping us to broadcast the Return of the Light season, but back to Tender. So I think we're quite tender at simple things. We, readers describe us as getting a hug in the post every month, which I love as a description. That's

Becs Frank (02:57):

So lovely, isn't it?

Lisa Sykes (02:59):

How nice to be a magazine that delivers a hug in the post every month. But actual hugs are important too, though, aren't the bes.

Becs Frank (03:05):

Yeah, so I guess when people say that, it's because we make them feel better in some way, and that's what a hug does, isn't it? I mean, if you think about it, it's probably the most natural human instinct to actually touch people, to have physical contact with people. We do it for comfort, we do it for cheer times of celebration when we're sad, when we're happy. And it's all about really our very first experiences as a baby. So touch after smell touches the first sense to develop, and it makes us feel safe and secure from those very first early moments.

Lisa Sykes (03:38):

That's so interesting, isn't it? That touch is one of the first sensors. Yeah. You think about how babies respond to their touch of their parents. It's really like that. There are some things like, I'm going to give you an example. So when I go to the hairdressers and I'm never that comfortable at the hairdressers, they always offer you, would you like a head massage? And I always slightly recoil at first because stranger's hands on your head. And I always force myself to sort of lean into it and I end up wishing it could go on a bit longer, and it really does. There is something about the touch of another human being, isn't there?

Becs Frank (04:11):

Yeah. So what's happening probably is when you sit down and you're feeling a little bit tense, and if you're not a touchy-feely person, then having a stranger's hands on you probably isn't your ideal situation. But once that happens, it stimulates the release of these hormones and neurotransmitters that we've all heard about, serotonin and dopamine, the pleasure hormone oxytocin, which is that bonding hormone that the mother baby link there again. And these just make us feel safe, happy, relaxed. So that's what's happening to you when you are having your head massage.

Lisa Sykes (04:43):

That's really interesting. And did I also read that hugging actually boosts our immunity too?

Becs Frank (04:49):

Yeah, that's what the research shows. The more we hug, the more we reach out to people, the more we enjoy touch in different ways, because obviously depending on our circumstances, we're going to have different ways of experiencing touch, then we can be healthier, less susceptible to viruses at this time of year, as well as feeling happier and calmer.

Lisa Sykes (05:08):

No, that's really good. I mean, obviously we're not recommending you go up to someone with a cold and start hooking them over here, stranger. Yeah, it might make them feel better, but you'll probably catch the cold. It's one of those things that we benefit when we give them as well as when we receive them, don't we? It's feel good factor all round.

Becs Frank (05:26):

And I think it's important to remember the importance of this in our relationships as well, because sometimes we are all busy. We can forget to reach out and give you a partner, a hug or a kiss at the end of the day or before they go off to work.

Lisa Sykes (05:39):

And we're not talking necessarily even about sex, it's more about hugs, tender touches, intimacy, isn't it?

Becs Frank (05:46):

Yeah. Well, everything really, but just, yeah, some form of intimacy whichever's appropriate for the moment, but it also can be different forms of touch. So stroking a pet was an example. Oh, bless. Yeah. But I think you can actually really relate to that feeling of just having a pet come up and curl on your lap, a cat or a dog next to you, or even a Guinea pig or a hamster, just that act of stroking.

Lisa Sykes (06:09):

Yes. It doesn't matter what pet it is really does it.

Becs Frank (06:12):

Yeah. Also releases those hormones again, and these things are just really good for alleviating stress. So it's kind of an antidote to adrenaline, which is what's causing through us when we're stressed and stimulated.

Lisa Sykes (06:23):

I found myself very grateful last night because my dog, who does sort of her own space, she doesn't cuddle unconditionally. She curls against me with her head on my lap on the sofa, and we both got so much out of it, I could tell we were both really chilled and actually in a way

Becs Frank (06:39):

That's lovely. There's nothing nicer.

Lisa Sykes (06:40):

I know, in a way because I don't get it all the time from the dog. It's actually really special when I do, and I think, okay, we're in the same place now.

Becs Frank (06:48):

Yeah. So I've got a teenage son who, same. The cuddles are kind of, he's 15 now. They're a bit, they're not as frequent definitely. But he'll just sometimes sidle up and kind of sit next to me on the sofa and quite close and sort of lean in and lean on me. I'm just like, oh

Lisa Sykes (07:03):

Yeah,

Becs Frank (07:04):

It makes you feel good.

Lisa Sykes (07:05):

I hope he's not listening to you recording this because he'll be

Becs Frank (07:07):

Mortified. Oh, you. No, he won't be. Don't worry.

Lisa Sykes (07:10):

You're saying am my 15-year-old son gives me

Becs Frank (07:12):

Cuddles. Well, I wouldn't say cuddles more just sits next to me.

Lisa Sykes (07:16):

Yes. Notices that you need some company. Yeah,

Becs Frank (07:20):

But

Lisa Sykes (07:20):

Actually you can get hug from other things though, can't you? Chemically. That is the same. Chemical releases happen if you have a long bath or a shower.

Becs Frank (07:28):

Yes.

Lisa Sykes (07:28):

You get that same sense of touch on your skin, don't you, with the water.

Becs Frank (07:32):

Yeah, exactly. And you can also just give yourself a hug or give yourself some touch, some tender gesture. So we did a lovely piece, which was an extract from a book by Susie Redding called Self-Care for Winter in our January issue. And she had some really nice tips on how to show yourself that kind of caring compassion. And I just really, really like the idea of

Lisa Sykes (07:54):

Tender gestures. Yes.

Becs Frank (07:56):

Yeah. I like the idea of that. Do use some tender gestures. So it might just be just kind of gently kind of rubbing a bit of,

Lisa Sykes (08:02):

Oh no, tell me what to do. I'm ready for this now. What should I be doing?

Becs Frank (08:06):

You could give yourself a hug. So I dunno how I've got, I'm quite tight around the shoulders

Lisa Sykes (08:10):

And my microphone's getting in the way, so I can't do that.

Becs Frank (08:13):

Put your arms around yourself and give yourself a little rub and a kind of stroke. Stroke your shoulders, stroke your arms. And if that doesn't feel very comfortable, I like this one. This is my favourite one. So you just put your hands underneath your chin.

Lisa Sykes (08:27):

Oh yeah. I feel like I'm squashing my cheeks together now I'm talking like this

Becs Frank (08:32):

As though you're sitting, you're kind of bored. Bored in a math lesson.

Lisa Sykes (08:36):

Yeah. Okay, I get it. Yeah, cup

Becs Frank (08:39):

Your face with your hands and just gently hold your face. Just hold yourself for a few seconds. It feels nice, doesn't it?

Lisa Sykes (08:47):

You need to let it settle, don't you? Yeah. If you think about it too much, you just think, oh, I dunno what this is doing.

Becs Frank (08:53):

Maybe don't lean your elbows. Okay, just hold it. Just hold your face like that so you don't slump into it. I was doing

Lisa Sykes (09:01):

It. I wasn't being tender. I was being too brutal with myself.

Becs Frank (09:05):

Yeah,

Lisa Sykes (09:06):

That's very nice, isn't it? There's something about when you notice your fingers, just you, the slight hairs on your skin, you can just feel them touching it, can't you?

Becs Frank (09:13):

I think it kind of makes you feel just a bit safe and soothe very when you're holding yourself like that. Or you can put your hands over your ears and just kind of block out the noise. Oh yes, I like that. It's sort of silence, isn't it? A moment of silence or put your hands, just put hand on your heart and a hand on your belly and just

Lisa Sykes (09:32):

Breathe. I'm just going to do the silence thing. One minute. Bex. I think we should have a moment of silence as we're on a podcast. Okay. Okay.

Becs Frank (09:39):

Yeah,

Lisa Sykes (09:39):

Let do it. We'll just do it. Invite everyone to do it as well. So we'll have all the listeners, everybody just put your hands over your ears for a minute. I feel better already. It's nice, isn't it? I probably should carry on though. Anyone who's think he'd be going, why is he not working? It works, doesn't it? Yeah, no, it's really nice. It makes you feel calmer, so it's whatever appeals to you really. I quite like putting my hand on my heart or where I think my heart is. My biology is not amazing.

Becs Frank (10:12):

That's what I was just saying. You could have one hand on your heart, one hand on your belly, and then just sit like that and just breathe gently and feel your belly going in and out, your chest rising up and down. It also helps you to be aware of breathing more deeply as well, because we often breathe up in our chest.

Lisa Sykes (10:26):

Yes. That's very nice. I like that.

Becs Frank (10:28):

But I do think it's that act of holding yourself.

Lisa Sykes (10:31):

You can do other things with your hands though to make you feel like this as well, can't you? To de-stress. I mean that's why baking and gardening are really good things because Oh, I see. Yeah, you are using your hands and they're sensory experiences, aren't they? I dunno whether you've seen it yet, but we've got this new series in our February issue, new February issue called Kitchen Therapy.

Becs Frank (10:50):

Yes. I don't think I've actually seen it yet in print.

Lisa Sykes (10:53):

Yeah, no. Well, it's just out now, so people will be able to get hold of it. Basically it's about exploring your sensors in the kitchen, so it's less about getting dinner on the table and more about self-care through cooking. So we've taken each of the sensors and there'll be a recipe that really, it might have an amazing smell that you inhale or something touches, you're preparing it and there's often a little project that you do while you're waiting for something to cook. So in this one, this is Lotti story who we work with quite a lot, who is a contributor, but she's also a qualified counsellor, so she knows what she's talking about. But she's also a very good home cook. She paints a watercolour of pomegranate because there's such a beautiful jewel colour for this time of year. That's really nice. That's a very nice thing to do. My kitchen does not feel like I could sit down and paint watercolours, but I am going to try. I think it's a really nice idea.

Becs Frank (11:43):

I like the idea of using that time actually doing something else enjoyable rather than just washing up.

Lisa Sykes (11:49):

Yeah, that's what you do. Don't you start clearing up or put some washing in or something. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lovely idea. It is. It's a really good idea.

Becs Frank (11:56):

But it's such a sensory experience, isn't it? Cooking, so I think or whatever you're doing, whatever brings you that nice feeling of calm, that calming, healing touch.

Lisa Sykes (12:05):

Yes. And it might be a hot water bottle. Hot water bottles are very hard to beat if you need a bit of cosiness and it. We've done a project in January issue how to make one if you want to make your a cover for one as opposed to the rubber, just making a cover, a nice velvety cover. There are loads of videos online to teach you how to do that, or you could just go and buy one. That's absolutely fine. Talking about our February issue, everyone knows who buys the magazine. We have a hero word on the front of every issue that is kind of a loose thread to kind of pull it all together really. And this one is glimmer, which is a buzzword that is everywhere at the moment. And bes is going to explain to me what it really is.

Becs Frank (12:48):

So these glimmers are basically, so if you think of them as the opposite of triggers, so if you think of trigger as something that kind of makes you feel a bit uncomfortable or uneasy, unhappy, stressed, a glimmer is something that makes you feel safe and calm and happy. And then we're not talking big expansive things. We're talking about little micro moments, little pleasures.

Lisa Sykes (13:13):

So our biology is in its happy place when we've got a glimmer.

Becs Frank (13:17):

Yes.

Lisa Sykes (13:17):

But presumably first you have to find your glimmer because they're not going to be the same for everyone, are they? Yeah.

Becs Frank (13:22):

So it will be happening to you all day or different days, but it's maybe whether you notice them or not and whether you are in the practise of knowing what they're doing to you. So if you think that they're having this nice calming effect on your nervous

Lisa Sykes (13:37):

System.

Becs Frank (13:38):

Yeah, there's all kinds of things. And

Lisa Sykes (13:40):

Give me one that you like then that you know that it is a glimmer for you.

Becs Frank (13:45):

Well, I was thinking about this day, so I open my curtains and there's a heavy frost outside and I get this like, oh, it gives me a little kind of lift, thrilled that this is this white landscape and I know it's going to be really cold and I, I'm going to go out and I wrap up really warm and I just find that really quite exciting. That gives me that little glimmer. It's the coldness, the cold face and the rosy cheeks and the crunchiness, my shoes on the frosty ground.

Lisa Sykes (14:10):

Nice. That's such a lovely thing you evoke there and I'm sure that's a glimmer for quite a lot of people, isn't it? When they stop to think about it.

Becs Frank (14:19):

Yes, I'm sure.

Lisa Sykes (14:20):

I think mine probably is as well. Actually. I love watching patches of sunlight. I love watching the sun move. So if you see a patch of sunlight moving across a fail or a field or something, I find it sort of humbling somehow. It's like the heavens, isn't it? Doing their thing. But actually any form of light hitting something and making it glow, I dunno. It just fills me with this appreciation of how beautiful the planet is. That's really nice. And it can happen anywhere. You don't have to be in a beauty spot,

Becs Frank (14:51):

But you could easily not notice that, couldn't you? That's the thing. So you could easily just glance at that and not really stop. So it's kind of what they say about letting it land.

Lisa Sykes (15:00):

Yes. I think that's so important, isn't it?

Becs Frank (15:03):

Seeing your glimmer and then actually taking a moment to appreciate it. And also sometimes they come a bit left field. So I went out for a walk yesterday, it was a horrible day, and I actually said to my husband while we're about walking, this is my worst kind of weather. It was grey, it was cold, it was drizzly, the rain was getting cold. Rain. If you can have cold rain, totally. But then the rain turned a little bit wintry and actually it was kind of just this sort of sleety rain. And suddenly we were in this field and the trees were all bare and there's this sleety rain. It's actually really quite beautiful, isn't it? And it wasn't that kind of archetypal beautiful, frosty landscape, but it had beauty.

Lisa Sykes (15:43):

No, but you feel alive in that sort of situation, don't you? Because made the effort to be out there in this elemental sort of place, and then it turns back to being a good thing once you're there. Yeah, yeah. I know. It's really interesting.

Becs Frank (15:57):

But I think it was, my eyes were a bit open to seeing things in a slightly different way, but the glimmer could be a smell of something. The smell of toast gives me a glimmer. Oh yeah. I just love coming down in the morning.

Lisa Sykes (16:11):

Oh, the crackle of logs on a fire.

Becs Frank (16:14):

Yes.

Lisa Sykes (16:14):

When you first lit a fire, it all starts crackling. Yeah.

Becs Frank (16:17):

Yes.

Lisa Sykes (16:17):

Smell of wood smoke. We were talking about this a bit in the office the other day and someone was saying, oh, on pancake day, the flavour of lemon and sugar on pancakes.

Becs Frank (16:27):

Yes.

Lisa Sykes (16:28):

But this year we've got to wait till March for that.

Becs Frank (16:30):

It reminds me of being a child though, that

Lisa Sykes (16:32):

Yes.

Becs Frank (16:33):

Oh, I know. Pancake day in March. That's a funny

Lisa Sykes (16:35):

One. I know so late. I know. No pancake day in February. So we have to find our own other glimmers or make

Becs Frank (16:41):

Pancakes anyway.

Lisa Sykes (16:42):

But actually it's worth pointing out though, isn't it? That one person's glimmer could be another person's fear. And a dog barking is quite a good example because some people hear a dog barking and it's joyous and it's fun and their dog's lively, and other people are nervous about that because maybe they've had a bad experience with a dog or it's just not their idea of a nice thing. And there's probably quite a few things like that. So it's really important to find your own, isn't it?

Becs Frank (17:06):

Yeah.

Lisa Sykes (17:06):

So how do we find them? How do we make sure we notice them?

Becs Frank (17:10):

Well, I think it's once you start noticing them and start, maybe recording them is quite a good idea. So whether it's like a little note, so I've been writing them down on my phone because I'm just in different places when I notice them, you could take a photo of the moment that reminds you of your glimmer and then you can kind of look back on them. But also just even if you don't look back on them, it's just by recording it, you are kind of almost just going to remember it more.

Lisa Sykes (17:34):

Yes. And presumably sharing them, like those stories we just told came alive in the retelling, didn't they? Yes.

Becs Frank (17:42):

No, exactly. And then you realise that different people have different glimmers as well when you actually start sharing your different, and you'll have very personal ones. There's a certain smell of laundry that really reminds me of my mum and home that will be very unique to me.

Lisa Sykes (17:59):

Powerful, isn't it? Yeah.

Becs Frank (18:01):

Yeah.

Lisa Sykes (18:02):

So regular listeners will know where big fans of reading aloud, which I think is possibly another glimmer where someone's voice can be reassuring or soothing. So we've chosen this episode story because it is about feeling connected to someone, which is so important, especially at this time of year where we maybe feel low and we're not socialising so much. So picture the scene. Imagine you are cooled up on the cosy bench and your black down shepherd's hut, the patter of rain on the roof, the kettle's, whistling on the hob. Make your favourite hot beverage and listen on breakfast in Paris, a short story by Libby page. The choice is overwhelming. Emma stands at the boo lingerie counter eyeing up the neat rows of perfectly formed pastries next to her, a small boy presses his face against the glass eyes wide, the tip of his tongue poking out from the corner of his mouth.

(19:04):

His mother pulls him away sharply by the hand. Emma catches his eye and smiles. She knows how he feels. She comes here every Sunday and yet every week it proves nearly impossible to decide. Golden croson like curled against one another. Like spooning lovers. They're a plumped round brioche dusted in sugar crystals and huge PSM studded with sticky black currents beside them. Begin the daintier treats. E Claires lined up like toy boats, each iced in a different shade. From pistachio to raspberry chocolate tarts topped in ganache, so shiny that Emma can see her own reflection. Emil fur towers, a fragile pastry and piped cream. Emma has loved pastry since she first visited Paris as a child. Her mom took Emma and her younger sister Meg to Disneyland with a trip to central Paris. Afterwards, both girls bought matching mini mouse ears with their pocket money and would not take them off at one particularly inviting boo lingerie that mum let and Meg choose two pastries each Emma's favourites were pano shockla.

(20:14):

So she ordered two, meg did the same, and they both devoured them. Emma can remember their mother laughing and pointing at their reflection in the shop window. Two girls in mini mousy as grinned back chocolate smeared their faces, dur palm chola Emma says to the server A few moments later, she's outside clutching the paper bag and hurrying back down the street to her apartment. She glances up at the shuttered windows and the pale silver roofs that still delight her even though she's lived in Paris now for two years. Her flat is at the top of an old building and consists of one room, a kitchenette in the corner and a cupboard sized bathroom, but it's home. The walls are decorated with framed prints and photos. Her eyes are drawn to one of her and Meg at Meg's graduation. Emma's arm is draped proudly around her younger sister's shoulder.

(21:08):

Checking the clock, Emma quickly prepares the table. She places the pastries on her nicest plate and the ranges of ours are flowers beside them. She makes a mug of peppermint tea and sits down positioning a laptop in front of her 9:00 AM right on time. The Skype ringtone chimes just like it does every Sunday. Hi, Meg MSAs. As her sister appears on the laptop screen. Meg is sat at her kitchen table, a glass of wine to her right and a glowing candle on her left in front of her is a steaming plate of pasta. It is 7:00 PM in Sydney. Hi sis. Meg replies seeing her sister's face. Emma feels tightness in her chest. It has been over a year since they last saw each other in person. At Meg's wedding. Sometimes the distance feels unbearable. She feels the connection to her sister, like a string holding them together, stretched taught by their distance, but never broken because every Sunday they have this breakfast in Paris and dinner in Sydney are those pano Shockla. Meg asks, and thousands of miles apart. The two sisters laugh, remembering two young girls in mini mouse ears, their faces full of chocolate and smiles.

Becs Frank (22:33):

Really enjoyed that story. It's a reminder, isn't it? That connecting with people doesn't have to be face to face and that having a conversation is really valuable even when it's a conversation on the phone or on a video call. Because I really thought all the way through listening that sort that she was going to meet with her sister or whoever was coming over, didn't you? And then yes, obviously they didn't. They can't. They

Lisa Sykes (22:57):

Can't. So they still make it special, don't they?

Becs Frank (23:00):

Yeah. Yeah. I

Lisa Sykes (23:01):

Think there's some intent there. They place importance on it, don't they? Their chats,

Becs Frank (23:05):

Yes. And they've obviously planned it and made it special. And she's sat down with a glass of wine as though she was

Lisa Sykes (23:11):

Actually

Becs Frank (23:12):

Meeting her sister face to face.

Lisa Sykes (23:13):

And they're tending that relationship, which is really important, isn't it? Not to take them for granted.

Becs Frank (23:19):

Yeah. It really is. And I think it's often in families, but also with friends that sometimes you take relationships for granted or sometimes something happens and you just, through circumstance, maybe you neglect the relationship a bit or sometimes you There's an argument. Yeah, yeah. You

Lisa Sykes (23:36):

Fall out,

Becs Frank (23:37):

Don't you haven't.

Lisa Sykes (23:37):

Yeah, I know. And you've got to try and make amends for that, haven't you?

Becs Frank (23:41):

Yes.

Lisa Sykes (23:41):

And I know you've been doing some research on this because we've got a piece coming up our March issue, haven't we? On saying, sorry. Yes. Well, apologising in general really, isn't it? Tell us what you found out.

Becs Frank (23:53):

Yeah, it's so interesting because you think about how much we use the words, I'm sorry. And we've actually written about this before. We use them so unthinkingly all the time in our conversation. But actually properly apologising for something is a much, much harder thing to do, isn't it?

Lisa Sykes (24:08):

Are you good at apologising? I'm not sure

Becs Frank (24:10):

I am. Well, when I sort of self examined after starting my research, I realised that, I don't know. I don't think I am. I'm not very good at, I don't think I'm very good at admitting when I'm wrong. But the interesting thing that I learned when I think a lot of us aren't though, are we? Yeah. No. Well, I I actually think I'm that often. I'm usually right, but no, no, because what I really, really took from this piece and from talking to the expert, different experts, but Alison Woodbrook, who's written this great book called Talk, basically, she said, you don't need, it doesn't have to be an admission of guilt or that you've done something wrong. An apology can be more about just saying, I'm sorry that you are upset or that this has happened.

Lisa Sykes (24:56):

So it's acknowledging that you've caused harm or hurt someone or

Becs Frank (25:01):

That someone is hurting

Lisa Sykes (25:03):

Rather than admitting guilt sort of thing. Yeah,

Becs Frank (25:06):

Exactly.

Lisa Sykes (25:07):

That's very interesting. It's

Becs Frank (25:08):

Very interesting, isn't it? And it's changed the way I sort of feel about apologising when I actually still believe I'm right about something, but I'm still sorry that I've expressed it in a certain way that I did, or I'm sorry that we had to have an argument about it.

Lisa Sykes (25:21):

Yes.

Becs Frank (25:21):

So I can still think I can make it better.

Lisa Sykes (25:24):

I think I tend to lose my temper then reflect a bit, feel contrite and apologise because I can't bear sulking. Right?

Becs Frank (25:32):

Yeah.

Lisa Sykes (25:33):

I think Sukin is such a waste of time and energy. I can't bear it.

Becs Frank (25:37):

So you are quite different from me. Yeah. Okay. But that's interesting.

Lisa Sykes (25:41):

But don't always, I'm not sure I do what you've just said though. I'm not sure I'm saying sorry, because I'm acknowledging what's gone on. I'm saying sorry to move on, and perhaps that's not quite what you're supposed to do here. I just want to draw a line under it and move on. And sometimes that's fine, but not so much if the other person doesn't deal with it like that as well. So I think you've got to, well, there was a great line that really resonated with me in the piece, and it was, when it comes to choosing your words, try to keep the apology about the other person and not yourself.

Becs Frank (26:12):

Because

Lisa Sykes (26:12):

Even a hint that the apologizer is using the apology to rectify their own feelings, I stand guilty on that one or unburden their conscience rather than tend to the recipient's feelings, undermines its effectiveness. So that was the line that really made me self-examine, which as you put it back.

Becs Frank (26:32):

So that's very interesting. It, and also, she very much advised to not ask for forgiveness in the same breath as an apology, because again, that's making it about you, isn't it? So not about you, it's about the other person. It's about empathising with them, trying to see things from their perspective and then being able to move on and possibly change. And it might not be, if we're talking about apologising for something that has been stewing for a while, it might not make everything all right immediately. No. So I think you need to accept that

Lisa Sykes (27:03):

There was a beautiful idea in there, which is something we've mentioned before in the simple things, and it's the Japanese art of Kintsugi where broken objects are repaired using something from powdered gold to make it so she likens the process of making amends to this

Becs Frank (27:21):

Because

Lisa Sykes (27:21):

It's not to restore it to its original form, but to make a new kind of beauty out of it. And I think that's a lovely way of looking at it actually, that you're kind of, it is.

Becs Frank (27:30):

That was a lovely idea. Yeah. Really nice. From Lucy Cavendish, a different expert actually, who's a therapist, has written her own very interesting book on how to have extraordinary relationships. I found that brilliant because you're not always trying to make amends to make everything exactly the same again, because sometimes it can't be No. And maybe it'll be

Lisa Sykes (27:48):

Better. Yes, definitely. And because if you don't amend arguments or deal with rifts, you're going to end up a bit lonely, aren't you? Yeah. It's a very isolating

Becs Frank (27:59):

Tactic. Our relationships, as we know as research shows, the eight year Harvard Study of Adult Development showed that meaningful good relationships are the number one factor in a long and healthy life. So well, there you go. If you have that in your mind and you think, what am I doing here? Really falling out with somebody over whatever it might be, is it not worth repairing this relationship and then having more quality relationships that are going to be better for your health and the other persons?

Lisa Sykes (28:29):

No wise words? Indeed. I don't want to lower the tone, but now I'm going to talk about Valentine's Day, which I always think February's cold hands, warm hearts, never more so than a Valentine's Day. And I know lots of people hate it, and of course it is a commercial exercise, but this month it's particularly important because it's one of the few excuses to celebrate something because Andy Year, which was at the end of January, so that's done, gone. That's right. And Pancake Day, strove Tuesday, and all the things that followed it like Mardi Gras Carnival, et cetera, and not until March. So you've got to find your own celebrations this year. And if you take away all the Schwartz and the commercialism, really, it's just a gentle reminder to tell those You love that you care for them, isn't it?

Becs Frank (29:14):

Yes. Or have a hug even.

Lisa Sykes (29:16):

Yes,

Becs Frank (29:17):

Exactly. Exactly.

Lisa Sykes (29:18):

I'll just share one Valentine's Day experience. Go on. My daughter was due on Valentine's Day.

Becs Frank (29:24):

Oh, was she?

Lisa Sykes (29:25):

And her dad brought me some flowers and I was so grumpy. I was huge and uncomfortable. And I went, I don't want the flowers. I just want this baby. It was a really badly received Valentine's Day acknowledgement. And did she Come on, she Come on Valentine's Day. No, three days later.

Becs Frank (29:44):

Okay.

Lisa Sykes (29:44):

Yeah, three days later. So I was really grumpy on Valentine's Day. But yeah, I think one of the things people do on Valentine's Day is by roses. And I've got a bit of a bugbear about this. And in fact, we ran a piece because there's a campaign run by a group of florists every year called Why Buy Roses in February? It's not only an original to buy roses, but it's also a bad idea environmentally. And their mission is by asking that question, they want to spread an alternative message of love. So each year they commission a new artwork to promote the campaign, which are always really lovely actually.

Becs Frank (30:16):

Yeah, because how many roses are produced for Valentine's Day? I mean, millions.

Lisa Sykes (30:22):

So I'll give you the figure. 250 million roses are estimated to be grown specifically for Valentine's Day. And in this country, they're mainly imported from Kenya.

Becs Frank (30:32):

Oh, really?

Lisa Sykes (30:33):

Which, yes, does have the climate to grow them, but they're monoculture, which could be used for growing other things,

Becs Frank (30:39):

Of course.

Lisa Sykes (30:40):

And they're poor working conditions and there's air miles. But even those that come from the Netherlands, which apparently supplies fifth of our flowers, use a lot of energy and resources to grow them at this time of year because they have to be in heated greenhouses. And

Becs Frank (30:52):

So flowers are not such a great idea really. Well, most

Lisa Sykes (30:55):

Flowers, and also just let's be clear, I'm not being anti rose. I'm just being anti roses in February because roses grown in gardens in summer are absolutely beautiful. And they last longer and smell better and everything else.

Becs Frank (31:06):

So I guess you could give somebody a

Lisa Sykes (31:07):

Rose plant, couldn't. You could. Exactly. Because it's a good time to plant roses. So that is an excellent,

Becs Frank (31:14):

They're not going to look that pretty though, are they? At this time of year?

Lisa Sykes (31:16):

No, but you could put a lovely card with it or draw painted the rose. They always come with a picture on their label, don't they? Of what they look like.

Becs Frank (31:25):

See where you're going here.

Lisa Sykes (31:26):

Yeah, you could. So you could do a bit there. See a little bit of mindful activity there.

Becs Frank (31:32):

Anything flowering that's better though.

Lisa Sykes (31:34):

Seasonal florists tend to use snowdrops or narcissi Orson and be love to do dried flowers. Dried flowers or seeds. Yes.

Becs Frank (31:43):

I love dried flowers. Yeah, good idea.

Lisa Sykes (31:45):

Actually, it is a reminder, if you've got roses in your garden, show them some love right now because it's a time to prune and mch them, so they'll look beautiful when it's summer. Okay, so that's a little Alan Titch marsh moment there. Get the coat on and get out in the garden. Definitely. But actually, we have a flower in the house every month in the magazine. And in winter, we often feature plants because there are more of them. And we've got a houseplant in our February shoe, which is actually called the Devil's Ivy, which doesn't sound very Valentine's at all, but it's got heart shaped leaves and it's very easy to propagate from cuttings in water till the roots form. So actually that would make a very nice thing to give someone.

Becs Frank (32:23):

That's a lovely idea. There's one as well, they call it hearts on a string. I don't know what it's

Lisa Sykes (32:27):

Oh, yes.

Becs Frank (32:28):

In name. But it's one of those trailing plants

Lisa Sykes (32:31):

That's

Becs Frank (32:31):

Very pretty. That would be a nice one as well.

Lisa Sykes (32:33):

We will put that in the show notes so we can put it

Becs Frank (32:35):

In.

Lisa Sykes (32:36):

I better write that down, otherwise I'll forget.

Becs Frank (32:38):

Well, that's a good idea. But there are so many different ways aren't there, that you can show someone you care with a gift.

Lisa Sykes (32:45):

Have you ever had a mixtape made? Has anyone ever made you a mixtape or a playlist that it would be now

Becs Frank (32:51):

Mix tape back in the day? Definitely. And actually, funnily enough, my husband made me a playlist for my birthday last year. I was going away with my girlfriends for the weekend, and he sent me off with a playlist of which he said, clay, when I get there. And it was, oh, that's so sweet. Really sweet. Very funny. All going back through the years from where I'd known my girlfriends, because most of them were old friends and we had a good laugh having a dance around the kitchen to that.

Lisa Sykes (33:14):

That's fantastic. Yeah, I love that. And it

Becs Frank (33:16):

Takes time, doesn't it, to make someone a playlist and thought

Lisa Sykes (33:20):

Yeah, it's a meaningful thing, isn't it? Yeah. And any handmade gift that you've bothered to make yourself is a L token really, isn't it? Yes. So just on the mixed tapes, we actually asked readers to send us some mixed tapes one year, and we've got them on our Spotify playlist, so I will share the links for those as well. They're really great.

Becs Frank (33:39):

They're great.

Lisa Sykes (33:39):

And people bother to make them for us, which is really nice. But also cooking cooking's good to show you love for someone, isn't it?

Becs Frank (33:46):

So I would always rather probably be

Lisa Sykes (33:48):

Cooked for

Becs Frank (33:48):

Probably or cook on Valentine's Day than go out for a meal.

Lisa Sykes (33:52):

Definitely.

Becs Frank (33:52):

But it doesn't have to be fancy, doesn't it? It's just such a treat to be cooked for whatever it might be. I interviewed Nadia Hussein, the chef for our wisdom slot in our February issue. And she was very, obviously, you would expect she's a fantastic cook, but she said it is always been her way of showing love. And I think even if we don't really realise it, that's what we're doing, isn't it? When we're preparing food for someone. Definitely,

Lisa Sykes (34:17):

Yeah. However simple it is, or however much effort you've put in, putting food on the table for someone is a way of showing love,

Becs Frank (34:25):

Or it could be a foodie gift. And actually in the Flourish, which is out now, the third edition, there's a lovely little handmade gift, a jar of clementine curd. So my husband would love that. So if I could get myself organised to make some clementine curd and give him that for Valentine's Day, he'd be very happy. I'm sure.

Lisa Sykes (34:43):

Now that's a nice gift, isn't it? I made my partner a laptop cover at the weekend. He took over my much needed sewing session and asked me for it, but he was very pleased with it.

Becs Frank (34:54):

Oh, that's, I

Lisa Sykes (34:55):

Bet he was. There you go.

Becs Frank (34:58):

Yeah, there you go. Yeah.

Lisa Sykes (34:59):

Anyway, we're onto my favourite bit now. I'm just going to talk to you briefly about animal love matches. This is my favourite piece in the new issue. It's

Becs Frank (35:08):

So great.

Lisa Sykes (35:08):

And it's about animals, long-term relationships, and obviously there are practical biological reasons. So obviously you split the workload of rearing young. You can share resources, and also if you're not messing around, flirting in half the breeding season, you can crack on and get breeding, you see? So it's a much better idea to have a long-term partner. It's really heartwarming. So mute swans, they're the ones, they will only look for another partner if one of them dies and they entwine. No, that's just lovely. In otters. No, actually otters, sadly, they turn out to be more promiscuous than we first thought. Oh, no. Some otters, sea otters do.

Becs Frank (35:50):

Oh, okay.

Lisa Sykes (35:51):

In some parts of the world. But the otters here, beavers are much better apparently, because they build a home, don't they? You see? So they build a home.

Becs Frank (35:58):

Nice, nice

Lisa Sykes (35:59):

And puffins. Puffins though. Yeah,

Becs Frank (36:01):

Puffins kiss, don't they? Yeah. Touch pills when they get back together,

Lisa Sykes (36:05):

They spend most of the year apart on the ocean, and then they get back together. So that's very nice. Something to be said for distance,

Becs Frank (36:12):

Maybe.

Lisa Sykes (36:13):

Yeah. Well, yeah, living apart. So, because this episode, well, this season actually is about celebrating the light returning. We're going to be picking our, seeing the light moments, aren't we? Becks inspired by something we've talked about in the episode.

Becs Frank (36:27):

So

Lisa Sykes (36:27):

Hopefully there'll be something in here that makes our listeners see their path clearly too. So, oh, that sounds a little bit religious. It's not meant to sound religious, it's just about the light coming back, just to be clear,

Becs Frank (36:38):

A light bulb moment.

Lisa Sykes (36:39):

Indeed. So what's your seeing the light moment from this episode, Beck?

Becs Frank (36:42):

Well, I could have gone for a bit of, and I just, because I thought we always doing things for other people, and I didn't have the moment where I'm just going to stop and ask myself, what do I need right now? What is it that I need? And is it time on my own? Is it time with someone else? Is it a chat with my friend? Is it a self massage? Is it a hug? Just have taken that moment to reflect on what I need.

Lisa Sykes (37:05):

I think that's a very wise and very sensible idea. No, because actually, why don't we do that more often?

Becs Frank (37:12):

Yeah,

Lisa Sykes (37:13):

Mine is, I don't know. I feel like it's more ambitious, but I bet it's not once I start doing it, it's the idea of keeping a glimmer library, which I love the idea of, oh yeah. Things to seek out, because I know that they make me feel calmer, better, more grounded, and even better if I can find one when something's gone wrong or not how I thought it'd go. For example, this morning, my dog ran off in the woods chasing deer and refused to come back to the whistle. She usually does. And instead of stressing, I just decided to sit down on a tree trunk for a bit and appreciate the light. Notice the wind in the leaves, see the tender shoots coming up and hear a bird

Becs Frank (37:51):

Cold. Oh, good for you. She did come back.

Lisa Sykes (37:53):

Yeah. I mean, it was safe where she was, but I knew she was just like a red mist on, and she wasn't going to come back yet

Becs Frank (37:59):

Scent of something.

Lisa Sykes (38:02):

And she took a while to reappear, and she was very sheepish, but I hadn't ramped up the stress, so it actually became a pleasant thing.

Becs Frank (38:08):

So you need to put that in your glimmer library.

Lisa Sykes (38:11):

I do. Sadly. I think most of my stories have been about my dog today. I promise I'll talk about other aspects of life next time. And actually, I'm going to be taking a break for the next episode because Becks and our regular contributor, Joe Tinsley, will be back with our breathe episode. And they're going to be, is that right? You're getting out and about dealing with weather, feeling the urge to grow.

Becs Frank (38:31):

Yes. We are breathing in some fresh air.

Lisa Sykes (38:33):

Yes. Generally making own sunshine, right?

Becs Frank (38:36):

Yes, exactly.

Lisa Sykes (38:37):

Yeah. I'd just like to say thank you to Blackdown Shepherds hooks for their support. And if you haven't now already decided whether you prefer a garden retreat, a home workspace, or their new sauna and cold plunge hook, then head to their website, the links in our show notes, and have yourself a browse. And if you're tempted by our February glimmer edition of the magazine, you can take out an immediate start subscription via our website and you'll get this issue straight away. So we'll see you next time. And remember, the return of the light really is happening. See you next week. Bye.