Sarah’s World | Part 2

In part 2 of Sarah’s World, we continue to hear more of her story in her own words.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Look what you're doing to me. Dude, do not project your sickness on me. That's your own shit.

SPEAKER_01 0:08

Welcome to More Than Glitter, Voices Unheard, a podcast where the stories shimmer brighter than the stage lights. I'm your host, Mariah Edwards, and I invite you to join me on a journey into the lives of those whose voices are as captivating as their performances. Here in R Safe Space, we go beyond the glitter and glam. We sit down with dancers from all walks of life, uncovering the stories behind the sparkle. This isn't just a show about strippers, it's about the person beneath the persona. Today we sit down with Sarah, a remarkable individual whose journey is both inspiring and empowering. Sarah has navigated through life's stormy waters with exceptional strength and resilience. This is part two of her story. So if you haven't already, go listen to part one first. Would you feel comfortable talking about the father of your child and how that relationship was?

SPEAKER_00 1:04

Sure. Yeah, we can. We don't even call him baby daddy, baby father, we call him a sperm donor because that's basically all he is or ever was. We met in high school, um, and I got pregnant like two months after knowing him.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Yeah. So I didn't really like have any time to realize he's fucking crazy and psychotic. Um, but then shortly after I was pregnant, I started to realize, and that's when shit got worse. I found out he was like doing heroin and like things like that. Yeah. And um wow. Yeah, it was really bad. And still to this day, like on my dead father, I've never touched that shit. Because even after I left him, like people would try to say, like, oh, I bet you were doing that shit with him. Like, first off, no, when I was pregnant the whole time, and then after that, like, no, I was never into that. Like, yeah, I drink and I like smoke weed, but I'm not like, no, that's just not my fucking thing. And never tried it, never anything, whatever. And so he was on that shit, like heavy. Like, and I didn't find that out until I was probably like six months pregnant. So I was like, oh great, this is awesome. And then he was very abusive, um, mentally, physically, emotionally, any basically any way he could. Like the man tried to kill me multiple times, didn't succeed. But like, it's like a roach, bitch. Can't kill me. And two, just with that like abuser mentality, like ripped me away from my family, like put all this stuff into my head, was very controlling. Like, I didn't have a phone, like, he would break any phone I did have. Like, when I gave birth, it was pretty much alone. Like, he was there for like three minutes and then left. And I was the stay say, like, I had literally the best nurses at mail. Like, they were my baby daddies in the room. Like, she was holding my hand the whole time, she was rubbing my forehead, she was the one like rubbing my back and holding my hands and talking to me when they were doing my epidural. Like, she was there every step and a step of the way. And I always say, I need to figure out who she was. Like, she probably still works there. And I want to just like go in and let her know how much that like meant to me. Cause in the time I didn't realize I was young too, you know. And reflecting back on that, I'm like, I would not have been able to do that shit like without her. So I need to figure out who she is. Yeah, and then my dad passed away almost exactly a month after my son was born, and that was really hard. He basically almost made me miss my father's funeral. Yeah, it was just not good at all. And then got myself away from him when my um there was one day. Well, like I said, he was very abusive. So tried to kill me multiple times. There was one day we were like outside in broad daylight. He like punched me in my mouth while I was holding Cy. And there was finally people around, normal people, not like that were his friends or something like that. So I like ran over to them with my three-month-old in my arm, four-month-old in my arms. And I was like, Can I please use your phone? And the dad actually was a douche, and he was like, No, go do that, do that shit somewhere else or something. And mom was like, Come here. What? Come here. Yeah, like I think the guy just didn't want any issues with like my baby daddy because he's big. He was definitely bigger than the dad. Yeah, he was just a fucking douche. But the mom was like, Oh my god, honey, come here, come here, and like pulled me inside, like into her minivan. Um, and let me call my mom. And my mom came and picked us up. And then I never went back. He sold all my shit and all of Psy shit that we had like in this apartment that we had at the time. So I have like nothing from like any of that. Like, my friends had gotten us like a pack and play for Psy and like cute little like clothes for Psy. Like, we had nothing. We went to my mom's and I had like some of my old, like maybe competition shirts there and stuff, and that's what I was wearing for like the next couple months. But and then had to get restraining orders against him, and he violated those like 12 different times before they finally put like a danko on him, which is like a felony restraining order. Yep. Then he finally went to prison for a little bit, and then he got a new girlfriend after that and did the same shit to her, and then she pressed charges finally. And two, like anytime I had a phone or something, I would have pictures, I would take pictures of shit like of my eye sockets being like dark, or like my blood vessels and my eyes being popped, or like my jaw being fucked, and like bruises and stuff. Like when I gave birth, I had bruises all over my arms. My friend Haley actually is the only one who has some pictures. I think it's Haley or Hannah, one of those two, um, had like a picture when I was like holding Psy, I think, and you can see bruises on my arms, and they're the only one, the only proof I have anymore, like physical proof. Like obviously, I have the police reports when they would come or like things like that, but it's shitty. They don't fucking do anything until you're like half dead. Yeah, so then finally, like, I mean, he could he's in and out of prison all the time, he's overdosed a couple times, but they get to him in time. Like, it's just crazy, but yeah, he hasn't tried to contact me in a while, or it'll be like random, like a text or something, and I'll just block the number instantly. But it hasn't happened in a while. Yeah, so he I found out recently he has another son. He's fucking disgusting. He is like the worst human being on this earth. Like, I'm a person who never wishes anyone like bad ill will, but that fucker can get everything negative coming to him. He deserves it all. So he's not in Cy's life. I mean, Cy has great like male role models, his uncle and my man, and things like that. And my guy friends are fucking awesome, and they love him like they're his own. So he has great people around him, which I'm so thankful for. Obviously, he's getting older, so he asks questions and stuff, but he knows he's not a good person. But yeah, so those conversations are always weird too, because like he's 10, so you can't really tell him anything yet, besides like the general things, but yeah, Sai's so I feel like ahead of his time, too, that he's just very intellectual and wants to know very specific details to where I'm like, dude, like you're 10 years old. But yeah, so I haven't had to deal with him for a long time, which is great. Obviously, had so much trauma at first with it, and like now I'm definitely like I just don't take shit from anyone. I don't care. Like, I don't have a problem standing up to men ever. I don't give a fuck. Like, also learned how to fight, fighting like a 6'3 dude.

SPEAKER_01 7:59

So what made you decide in that moment that you were finally finished and done putting up with this bullshit?

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Um, I think it was more so like the whole time he was like beating me. What he was, if you ever leave me, like I'm killing our son and I'm killing like your family, everything. He would, I'll come find you and I'll kill everyone you know. Like, and I didn't put it past him because he had tried to kill me multiple times. So I had stayed so much, and then when I had my son in our arms and he did that, I was like, This is my chance. Like, I've been taking this for so long. Okay, well, let's fucking play hardball then. I don't even know if it was like he hit me so hard that something snapped in my head that I was like, All right, bitch, let's fucking go. Because like I was terrified of him for the first like year or two after that. Like I had seen him a couple times, and I would like shake and like cry when I got home, just because I was like, this fucker's really coming. And he obviously knew where my mom lived, but then I was to the point where like now he's afraid of me. And I'm like, good, because he knows it's me or him, and it's not gonna be me, bitch. Like so, yeah, he doesn't nothing anymore. He hasn't threatened me in years, he knows because there I think there was one time he threatened me or something. I said, Okay, bitch, let's go. Like, I'll meet you right now. And I think ever since that moment, he was like, Okay, this bitch is not playing, she will shoot me in my face. Like, yes, I will, bitch. You know, like I'm just like, I don't give a fuck anymore, which I was so glad to be past that. Because, like, I don't know, fearing like a human is such a weird feeling. Like, now I think about it, I'm like, I really was terrified of this person, and now I'm like, nothing can fucking scare me anymore. Like, I don't get scared easily about especially people or like people hurting. I mean, I got anxiety, so I'd be scared of stupid shit, but like not like super serious stuff like that, which I'm so glad to be past that now. I mean, what it's been nine and a half years, grateful to be moved on from that for sure, and not have to deal with it.

SPEAKER_01 10:05

What made you stay for so long? Just the threats, or yeah, mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

Yeah, it was only like what a year and a half, I think we were together. It felt like fucking ten. Yeah, it's shitty. It's crazy to think that like people are out there that just like do shit like that. That's what always blows my mind the most about it. Like, you're fucking nuts. But he does definitely have psychological issues.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 10:29

That I was not, yeah, that I was not fucking aware of.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

You come from a very beautiful family, and I think that it was probably a big wake-up call that wow, human beings are this fucked up. Like, I don't think you realized it at that time meeting him.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

Not at all, no, and too, he is such a manipulator, like he's manipulated the system too, to like stay out of prison, and like he used to fuck his probation officer that he had when he was like shortly after me, so he was like not getting in trouble for violating my shit. Yeah, there was like a lot of behind-the-scenes shit. He was very good with his words with a lot of people who are manipulating situations, so that's abusers.

SPEAKER_01 11:14

What advice would you give somebody that is going through domestic abuse?

SPEAKER_00 11:17

That's so hard because I feel like I mean, I've had friends who have been in similar situations, not to the extreme, but like I always try and help people out of that. But as sad as as it is and shitty as it is, the truth is like you're the only one that can help yourself. Like you could have every resource given to you to get away from situations like that or things like that. But I it's so hard to like give advice when it comes to that stuff because it's very touchy. And I know being in that situation, like anyone could have told me ever anything. They could have promised me a million dollars and it still wouldn't have mattered, you know, because something in your head just kind of switches too. But I always tell people like there were moments I was suicidal, there were moments like things like that where but my son kept me there where I was like, okay, don't stop fighting was basically probably the only thing I can give people is don't give up. Like it is possible to get out, it's hard, it's the hardest thing I've ever done in in my life, besides being a mother, don't give up and just keep fighting for sure. Use others around you, like lean on the people, you know. After finally getting away, oh my god, my friends, my mom, like they were my crutch because I was a shell of a human when I got away. So don't feel bad leaning on people and like needing those other resources or going to therapy and talking about things because it is needed for sure.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

I just can't imagine you going through that and somebody doing that to you because you're such a bright light, you're such a beautiful soul.

SPEAKER_00 13:05

I even think back now where I'm like, what the fuck? Or like even when I would see pictures of myself from that time, like I was so frail and like tiny of a human, like you could just see in my eyes too that I was just like not not there.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

What do you think drew you to him?

SPEAKER_00 13:22

I don't know. I mean, probably just the way he talked, like he's not even hot. Like I look back now, I'm like, ew. Like, what the fuck? Ew, ew, ew, ew. But like, yeah, probably just the I don't know. Probably just the way, yeah. He was very manipulative or really good with his words, too. So I think probably just like, I don't know, you know, manipulators, abusers, they promise you the world, or like pretend you're up on this pedestal and say you're this and that, and then beat your ass. So you're like, wait, what now I'm confused? So I think that, and I was young, so I was very impressionable, and like and you got pregnant so fast, yeah. So then too, I felt just like not even like indebted to him, I just felt kind of stuck for sure. And then all that was happening, so I was like, Oh, now I'm really stuck. Like, if I go, he's gonna fucking kill everyone I know. So I'm like, I might as well just stay here so they are alive at least, you know. But and you were going through a lot with your dad, yeah, and I think he definitely preyed on that too was losing my dad at such a young age, and the way we lost him, and then trying to be there for my mom, but then him pulling me away from my mom, like, so it was just a lot, I think, that he definitely preyed on, and you can tell that because even the girls after me, they've all been way younger than him. So he's just a nasty human. I don't even think he's a human, he's a literal monster.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

I do think that they are. It took me a long time to figure that out, but I do think that there are souls. I don't even know if they're souls. I know that there's humans on this planet that are definitely you just look into their eyes and they're they're they're demons. Yeah, you can I can't explain it.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

They're just like, even if you look at any of his thousands of mugshots, you could just look at them and be like, what the fuck is wrong with this person? Like, there's ones too where you can just tell he's so high out of his mind, and you're like, that's not a person in there. Even your high eyes are shitty, dude. Like, how are your high eyes that are just like a vibe still demonic? Like, how? I feel like my eyes get so much more just chill and relax.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

That's because you're a nice human being.

SPEAKER_00 15:43

Exactly. Like, not a demon. So any of his fucking picks or mugshots, I'm just like, dude, what the f I'm like, you really are just a full-blown demon. Me and my friends sometimes when we talk about him, one of my friends calls him Voltimore. Like, we never say his name. We always say, just like give him a different fucking name, but you can't give him a human name. It's not like you can call him Chad or something.

SPEAKER_01 16:06

Are you nervous to have that conversation with your son about who his father really is as a person?

SPEAKER_00 16:13

Um, I wouldn't say nervous. I think I just like kind of feel bad for him. Like, I'm not nervous in regards to anything that has to do with like me or my feelings about it. I'm just like sad for him because like I was tricked into thinking this person was great. And like I wouldn't change anything. I'm so glad my son's here. I wish he had a different dad. Also, I don't think a father is just someone that is blood, you know. I think a father can be anyone who is there for you constantly and in your life, you know. And I think my man and my brother and my guy friends have done such an amazing job of making sure Cy knows he's love. And even my grandpa, like Cy and my grandpa have a very special bond. So I think that's what I will try and make sure he understands that like you're not your your dad, you're not like thing like him just because, like, yeah, you're like your parents, you're technically half of your parents, but yeah, like you're nothing like him at all in personality-wise or anything, and to Sai is like the sweetest little thing ever. Yes, he's crazy and drives me up the wall, but he's a child, so you know. But he you can tell he has such a kind soul that I'm not worried when it comes to those things at all. I just hope he knows, like, I don't want him to ever feel like anything that his dad has done or is like is his fault. That's probably my only concern with that. But I'm not really nervous to like talk about it. It's just he asks every once in a while. I wouldn't say often, but as he's getting older, obviously, it's just little things. But he'll be like, Well, how old do I have to be for you to tell me? And I'm like, honestly, to hear everything, probably like 18, dude, because it's some heavy shit to where I'm like, I don't want to talk to like my 15-year-old son about details with stuff, you know? Yeah, certain things here and there, but I'll definitely feel like I'll censor a lot. And I I don't even know if I'll tell him 100% everything. I like I didn't even tell my mom 100% anything. I didn't even actually tell her anything. She actually read through one of my um detailed yeah, one of my ones that I had to do for like my long-term restraining order, and she balled with that, and I didn't even put everything in there. So I was like, Yeah, I didn't want to talk to you about any of that because one, that's my stuff, and two, I know it would hurt her. That's more so what I was concerned about. I wasn't concerned about anything with me. I know it was gonna hurt her to know what happened, and I didn't I wanted to protect her from that. Yeah, so I think that's more so just it protecting them from it. Because I've been on the other side too of having my friends go through that stuff, and I know how that feels. So I'm like, I don't want them to feel that way, and I'm moved past it and healed from it, that I don't want them to have to heal from it now, too, if that makes sense. I've told the ones super close to me they know to some extent of the stuff that went on, but you know, I just want to protect like the people that I love in my life because I know one, it is hard to hear, and two, like I'm moved past it, so I don't want them to have to go through that whole process, you know.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

It takes a long time, took me a long time, but you know, I'm probably look at them and be like, bitch, why are you crying? It happened to me.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

Yeah, exactly. Not you. I'm like, I'm empathetic to a certain degree, but not your empathy, where you're like, you know, and I'm like, okay, bitch, get it together. Like, I'm not even crying, so can we shut the fuck up? Literally, like I'm fine if people cry, but then sometimes people cry around me and I'm like, they're there, like I don't really know what to do. Like, I I'll hug you and like try and make you feel better, but like, you know, I just hate when people are feeling that way. So like I don't want to add to that, if that makes sense, with like details of my shit.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

But it's just funny because it's like you're converting somebody off of your I'm like, well, must have your own trauma.

SPEAKER_00 20:26

For you, must have been really hard to go through. You're doing fine. Like that's why I'm always like don't really know what to do.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

I'm just like, okay. I'm hoping by you sharing your story, it will help others feel not so alone and bring awareness to something that is serious. Do you feel comfortable talking about your dad?

SPEAKER_00 20:50

Yeah, oh yeah. I'm very open when it comes to like talking about my dad. I feel like I don't know. I mean, people are always, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm like, yeah, I like thank you. I appreciate it, you know. But it's like I can I answer any questions people have. I'm open to talking about it always, just too. I've processed it, I've gone through everything in my own way to where like I'm comfortable about talking to about it. My dad was an alcoholic for a while. Um, he had gone to rehab like once or twice, maybe twice, I can't remember. Um, and when he was in the rehab facility, it was so good. Like I would go there and watch football games with him and stuff like that. Like it was awesome when he was sober. He had a lot of health issues, obviously, because of that. Like, just issues, and we have heart issues in our family. Clearly, with my pots, he had had a couple of surgeries on his heart. I can't remember what it's called. He had they're basically where they like go in, stop your heart, and like reset it. Wow. So, yeah, see, and love him. He's the sweetest guy ever, but he's the worst patient on earth. Wake up, he would wake up. We'd come in, hey daddies, you know, yep, they killed me twice. Uh great. Feeling like, how are you feeling? Well, they killed me twice. I'm like, oh okay, you know, like that type of thing. You got your dad's joke. For sure. My brother and I are definitely our father's children, but yeah, and he was like a control freak, so hated being out of control a hundred percent. Like, especially when it comes to health stuff. I think that's where my anxiety comes too with like my pot stuff, even before I knew I had pots. But like I hate not being Do you want to explain to the listeners what that is? Oh, yeah, sure. So it's posterior something tachycardia. I don't even know the words. Basically, my heart rate shoots up um when I like change positions, like stand up too fast or go from laying down to sitting. I can get really dizzy, I can pass out. Um, or if I don't have enough like electrolytes and salt in my system, I'm really dizzy and feel like shit. I can get really sick, um, things like that. That's why I literally drink like four or five of these a day. Like I wake up and have a liquid IV and drink propel and Gatorade all day and um take salt tabs. Um, or like if I'm ever starting to feel really, really dizzy and I've been on my feet for too long, I'll literally I have like emergency salt.

SPEAKER_01 23:24

Oh, that's perfect.

SPEAKER_00 23:25

Like, so that'll like wake me up instant, not even wake me up, but like make me feel better instantly. That's more like an instant thing, or like if I get really dizzy and feel like I'm about to pass out, the people around me and the people I work with know to like put salt on my lips or give me salt if I start going down, or like my resting heart rate is usually like 80 or 90. Let me check what it is right now, and then when I get up, it can go up to 150 in like two seconds.

SPEAKER_02 23:52

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_00 23:53

Yeah, so that's kind of why. Yeah, so my resting is 89 right now. That's my resting sitting here.

SPEAKER_01 23:59

That is insane.

SPEAKER_00 24:01

Yeah, so I was in the hospital for like three days on the cardiac floor, like in May, I think it was. I didn't know that. Yeah, doing all the testing, yeah. Figure everything figuring everything out, just why I was so dizzy, and because you can have like pot spells or pot episodes, they call them, where for like a couple days you feel like shit and you get the spins and you're dizzy. And I'm fortunate enough to not have it as bad as other people do, where every time they stand up, they're passing out. I'll be able to stand up and be fine, but I know like I black out for a second sometimes if I'm really, really low on my salt or really, really low on my electrolytes. When did you get diagnosed? In May. Oh, you were actually.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

Oh, so this is a new, a new diagnosis.

SPEAKER_00 24:45

Yeah, this was this this year. Because I had always been like off or been like really dizzy when I've gotten up, or I just thought my iron was low or something.

SPEAKER_01 24:52

I remember you telling me that you'd always think that you had low iron.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

I'd be like, ooh, I'd be like, oh, can't fucking see you right now, just a little dizzy. Um, no, that was my own the whole time. Just my heart fucking around, you know. Um, but yeah, so I have those issues and blah blah blah. But then my dad's heart issues. Me and my brother are supposed to get echoes done for your heart every few years just to make sure our hearts are okay. And I had my echo and made my valves and everything look good, um, except she just spazzes the fuck out um here and there. And I have a regular heartbeat, so that doesn't help either. Yeah, so he had a bunch of issues, and so what? I had my son September 19th, 2013, and then my dad passed away October 13th, 2013. So we had brought Cy to meet my mom, my dad, and my brother on October 11th, that Friday.

SPEAKER_02 25:50

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 25:50

And my dad would not hold him, would not anything. My mom and I to this day always say, I think if he would have held Cy, he never would have done it. I don't think he would have. I think that's why he stopped himself from holding him. And then, like, when he said bye, yeah, when he said bye to me that day, he was like crying. So at the time, I was like, Okay, like get off me. Like, why are you crying while you're hugging me? And now I'm like, he definitely was pretty much saying goodbye. So then two days later, my mom, my brother, and him were supposed to go. They always helped my grandparents out with like pancake breakfasts and stuff at my grandma and grandpa's church, and they were supposed to go. And my dad said he wasn't feeling good and that he was gonna stay home, which is not like him at all. But he was supposed to have a heart surgery that next week to do the same shit that they had done the other time. And it's always with those, it's like a 50-50% chance you come back or you don't, type of thing, which I couldn't fucking imagine. That's one exhausting. And so then when they came home, my mom was just like it felt weird, and they found a note that he had written on the kitchen table when they walked in that said, Dear, like Sarah, Cy, Matt, um, and Terry or whatever, which is my mom's name, um, Mayo Clinic can't fix me. I'll love you forever, which is what I have tattooed right here, and love dad, or whatever. And then she obviously started panicking because, like, my dad was a hunter, so he has a gun safe, like everything, and blah blah blah. So she instantly sent my brother up to the neighbors and called like his family and stuff like that. And they came over and they tried looking for him. They went like all throughout the house, didn't find him, so obviously they had already called the police, but they were coming, and then they did a top to bottom sweep of the entire house, and then found him in the basement. And for the longest time until this year, my mom told me she was not in the group that found him, and then I found out this year she was, and she lied to me the whole time about it. Oh wow, and that pissed me. Yeah, that actually pissed me off real bad. Um I get her point of view, I understand that was something she didn't want to share, but to openly lie to me when I asked you multiple times about it. Um, I thought I deserved to know anything I wanted to know. Um every detail if I wanted it. I I don't know. Personally, I think I deserve that. It being my father, I get if you want to like protect and do stuff, but I'm also 29. And all these years I've asked you a million times up to it. Like it not only pissed me off, but it made me really upset at the fact where I'm like, mom, here I am trying to be here for you as your daughter, and like while you're grieving through all this stuff. But I kept telling myself, at least she didn't find him. At least she didn't find him, at least she didn't find him. I said, so now you opened a whole nother can of worms for me to not only obviously I'm thinking about her and what she went through, but now I'm like, well, now I feel like shit that I haven't been there for you enough because this whole time I'm like, at least she didn't find him, at least she didn't find him. Well, no, this whole time now you have that ingrained in your head, which like I had really bad like night terrors afterwards, and would like would see like I would be driving and I would like see him like standing on a corner, like uh so he committed suicide, he shot himself in the head with a shotgun, and I would see him like that on the corners when I would drive for like a couple years after. I haven't had any of those in a very, very long time, but like, but I kept telling myself, okay, she didn't see it, she didn't see it, she didn't see it, like it's fine. So then when I found that stuff out, it really bothered me. And her and I were in an argument for a while about it. I told myself, like, okay, I think I was more upset with one, not knowing, obviously. And then two, just being like this whole time I was grieving, and the way I was grieving was because I knew you didn't see it. And now I feel like I'm again opening a whole nother can of worms and having to re-grieve a different way because now I know you saw exactly what I was seeing. Yeah, not like physically, but you know, you you were there. So I'm like, I feel like I would have gone about things probably differently, but you know, can't change the past, it is what it is. But that was always so hard for me. Obviously, losing a parent anyway is hard, but like, and too, to understand things with him. We found out like a couple years after that he was sick with like pneumonia and a bunch of other shit too that set on the autopsy. So we're like, oh, not only this heart shit, like your liver is obviously fucked up and like everything else is deteriorating because of drinking and all these other things and your heart. How I cope with it was one, he did not want us to like see him struggle at all, and he's a control freak. He wanted things to go the way he wanted it. And two, who knows if he would have made it through that surgery that following week? You never know.

SPEAKER_01 31:03

Um and that would be out of his control. At least he took his life in his own hands and said, Well, if I'm going to go out, I'm gonna make that decision.

SPEAKER_00 31:13

Exactly. I think that's really what it was a hundred percent. And it, you know, as shitty as it is and horrible as it is, and I wish more than anything it didn't happen. Like, yeah, am I mad at him sometimes? I'm like, you're never gonna be able to walk me down the aisle, like you're not there for my son, like those type of things, but those are selfish reasons, you know. In those moments, I'm not thinking about how much he was truly suffering and like dealing with the shit he was dealing with. So, you know, I just get it. I never want anyone to feel that hopeless, you know. So I've had friends commit suicide or other people that I've known that have committed suicide to, and I'm like, I can't like can imagine because I've been in those spots where it's a very dark place to be in, but I'm like, there is always people who care, and there's always someone you're gonna affect by not being here. Yeah, you know, that's what I try and tell people, or like my friends are going through hardship. I'm like, you know, because you get in that dark spate where people think, well, my kids are better off without me, or this person's better off without me. I'm not here for any reason, anyways. It's a very gray area, I feel, because it's so touchy and you're so vulnerable in those situations where it's kind of hard to talk to people when they're in that mindset. Definitely. That's why I give like those like um, what are they? The like trauma responders or whatever, the ones that go and talk people down from those things. I'm like, you are an angel because like there, I don't know. I feel like there's only so much you can say, but like I hate when people feel that way. So I always like love you. I'm always someone that's like, hey, fuck you, love you. Like I never want to leave on bad terms with anyone, whether I'm don't like someone or not, except except for Vaultmore. Like, I'm like every everyone else, even like people, like you never know what someone is going to know. So I feel like if you can be that light for someone, like even if it's a small like hi, or like you know, just trying to be kind in any way, shape, or form, if even if I am having like the worst fucking day, like trying to at least be a light in someone else's, because who knows if that high stopped them that day. It's true, you know, like you never know. So I feel like that's I think why I'm just so grateful for every day, too, is because I'm like, you never know when I feel like anyone I've lost, it's been traumatic. Like they've either been in a car accident or it's suicide or it's like murder or something like that. So I've never really had like a prolonged death, if that makes sense. Like we never really know if it's coming. So I'm just like very grateful and make sure you tell the ones you love you love them and people you care about that you care about, or that you're thinking of them, you know, because who knows? You message that friend you haven't talked to in a while, and you're like, hey, love you, miss you, whatever. You don't know what they're going through that day, you know. And a lot of people keep that shit deep down. So I feel like just being kind to each other is very important. What does the perfect day look like to you? Ooh, Starbucks right away, handed to me right away in the morning while I'm still in bed, not waking up to an alarm because I'm the worst person to wake up. Ask any of my friends if I have to be woken up. I feel so bad for one of my best friends, Haley. All growing up in high school, she would have to like wake me up at sleepovers because she would drive us home and I am a royal bitch in the morning. Love you, Hill. Thank you for being patient. She'd always just like rub my arm, like, stare, we have we have to go. Like instantly, I'm just pissed in the morning. Like, hood on, tied, like no one fucking talked to me in the morning. So I would prefer not having to wake up with an alarm ever. Then Starbucks, maybe some panakukin, like nice fat pancakes. I love that it's instantly like literally coffee and food. I need caffeine and food instantly. Um, then I would say uh my child is in a good mood and hasn't had ice cream at 6 a.m. And maybe hmm, what would we do? Relax, like kind of just nothing, maybe, or just like he's playing outside and I'm just like sunbathing, like we're all just chilling. Everyone's just relaxing, no one's working, no one's screaming, no one's crying. Exactly. Like everyone's just very chill, very chill. Like, I'm eating whatever I want throughout the day as much as I want. Like just relaxing. Honestly, just like one day where I'm not fucking working and everyone's in a good mood. I love that. No one pisses me off. There's nobody on the road, and I can just drive. Yes, not one person is in front of me. That would be amazing.

SPEAKER_01 36:18

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 36:18

Go to the all the lights are green. Go to the grocery store and nobody's there. The way that would be so magical. It sounds so beautiful. I did like some Christmas shopping on Tuesday and I literally wanted to leave the second I walked in the door. Like, why are there so many people to hear? Like, shouldn't you guys be at work? It's 2 p.m.

SPEAKER_01 36:36

Why do I always say that?

SPEAKER_00 36:38

I'm like, don't you guys have jobs? Why are you out right now? Go home. Go home. Like, go to your job. Why are you fucking here? Let me do this shit in peace. I came during the day so I wouldn't have to see you. That would be my perfect day. Not a soul that I don't want to see in my way. Just relaxing, quiet. Oh, my hair doesn't piss me off that day. But like honestly, just pure silence.

SPEAKER_01 37:06

What do you value most in life and why?

SPEAKER_00 37:09

Probably health and happiness. Because I feel like those are two things that are taken for granted the most. Yeah, like I think people just don't realize how lucky we are to be healthy and like have our loved ones around us. Who has been the most influential person in your life? It was probably my grandma, my dad's mom. Um, she passed away almost four years now, but she is someone I hope to be like half of the human being she is. Like selfless, just amazing, gen, like so genuine, just had the best intentions and soul. She was a nurse for many, many years. Like her and my grandpa were together for 60 plus years. That's just what I hope for. Like, I just hope I can be like that light and that amazingness for other people in my life.

SPEAKER_01 38:02

You are to me, so. And I mean that. Same, baby. What dreams or goals do you have for yourself?

SPEAKER_00 38:10

I feel like dream-wise, I just want to like be financially and like physically secure, if that makes sense. Like if my son wants something and he's worked for it, like I want to just be able to be like, yeah, money, money doesn't buy happiness at all, but it helps take a lot of stress away that most people have. So I feel like that for sure. I just want to be like very financially secure, if that makes sense. Like, not have to worry. Goals, I want to get a house soon. We've been staying in our apartment for like seven years, just because I don't want to rent a house and I don't want to bounce around. Like, I want to find a forever house that I love and that I want to be forever, like a long, long time, you know? I don't want to like how you were raised. Yeah, like I don't want to bounce around. Like I literally lived in that house. We moved there when I was four years old. So, like, I want to have that like for myself. So I think that's a big goal of mine. Yeah. And I just I don't care how long it takes to like get that, I just don't want to settle. Like, I'm not gonna like half ass the house I want. Like, I'd rather just chill, save, and then figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 39:25

What's something you're passionate about outside of work?

SPEAKER_00 39:28

I love like doing makeup and hair and like girly shit. Like it just calms me down and makes me so happy. Just like do different shit. So I'd say that's like not work stuff, but kind of it's my work stuff too. I really enjoy. Like, I'm not like, oh, I have to get ready. Like most people are like, I get to get ready. You're so cute. I'm kind of like, yay! Like I just love getting ready. And too, I'm someone like I told myself when I got pregnant young and whatever, I was gonna like try and be like a mom that like put herself forward as well. Like I feel like it sucks to say, but like, yes, we put our kids first, but we also forget about ourselves a lot as moms. So I think that's really important because you can't be your best self for your kid if you're or be the best version of you for your kid if you're not working on yourself too. I prioritize self-care. Like I make sure I'm presenting myself nicely. Like I like having my hair and my nails and having, I mean, don't get me wrong, ever sweats all the fucking time, but like I'm like having myself put together makes me feel better, which in turn I feel like makes me have a better day. Yeah, totally. Even if I'm like having a shitty day, I'm like, at least my fucking eyelashes are still on, bitch. Thank God. I'm like, whoa, it could be worse if those bitches were crooked, you know, like or falling off, you know. Like I'm just like, okay, at least my eyelashes are on bitch, like whatever. So I feel like I don't know, it's cliche sentence where it's like, feel good, look good, but like, or look good, feel good. So I feel like that's really important for everyone, but especially moms. Like, I know a lot of us just fucking throw our hair up in a bun, fucking keep it moving. But I'm like, girls, my time to get ready is like my me time for the day. Like, I put a podcast on, I watch one of my shows while I'm getting ready, you know, like giving myself that 30 minutes to an hour, depending on what I'm getting ready for. Where I'm like, this is mommy time, like you can have your like screen time or play video games or whatever it is for this little time while I'm getting ready, and then we're gonna go to school, you know.

SPEAKER_01 41:37

I love that.

SPEAKER_00 41:38

Where I feel like that's just really important that gets left in the past a lot when you're a mommy.

SPEAKER_01 41:44

Yeah, I can see that. What are your beliefs regarding God or higher power?

SPEAKER_00 41:48

Um, I definitely believe um I grew up like uh Catholic, and so like got confirmed and everything. My mom's Luther, my dad's Catholic. Um, so my dad's family is very like God related and everything like that. I mean, my mom's is too, but not to the extent because Catholics are a little more like intense about it. My dad's side is also pretty laid back, like they're very open. I definitely believe in a higher power. I believe in, I feel like there's a ton of like realms and worlds, and like I'm very into energy and I'm very I'm like a moon girl through and through. I love the moon, hate the sun, love the moon. I agree. I like being tan, but like I hate the sun. Like I it's out, it's in my eyeballs. I'm like, like just be dark and give me the moonlight. I love that. Like I like the moon, you know, and I'm just like I'd rather be up at night and sleep during the day, or you know, those things, it's not how the world works. I don't know. I'm just more calm in the night. Whereas people are like, oh, it's dark, like I don't like the dark. I'm like, I love the dark. Yeah, like I just thrive. And like I said, I'm very into energies and I'm very into like manifestation and really putting out what you want to receive and get back. Like if you're an awful person, awful things are gonna happen to you. Don't get me wrong. Awful things happen to very good people too. And I think that's just I'm very like fate and what's meant to be is meant to be. And I feel like a lot of us are meant to go through certain things to turn into who we are, because I wouldn't be who I am today or how I am and think how I am without losing my dad to suicide or going through an abusive relationship or having a kid young, you know, and dealing with all those things. Like I wouldn't be the human I am today. I feel like everything happens the way it's supposed to happen, shitty or not. It's just kind of how we react to it and where we go from there.

SPEAKER_01 43:47

Totally agree. I don't like to play the victim card about oh, this yeah, this sucks that this happened to me. Well, I mean, it does suck, but I also believe solely that it was meant to happen.

SPEAKER_00 44:00

I agree. Like, even if it's so shitty, where I'm like, why the fuck? Like, why me? Sometimes you have everyone has that moment, but then I'm like, okay, now what? What am I learning? Am I just gonna sit here and sulk in it? Or am I gonna grow from it or just stay stagnant? Because I think life is constant growth. So I think you're never who you're gonna be for the rest of your life. I think you constantly mature and constantly grow and view things differently as you age.

SPEAKER_01 44:30

Totally. So I think that's why we're here on Earth. It's to learn.

SPEAKER_00 44:34

I agree. In every way, shape, or form, positive or negative.

SPEAKER_01 44:39

Do you have a good ghost story? Have you seen a ghost?

SPEAKER_00 44:42

Well, I feel like I don't see ghosts. I feel like I see like entities type of things. Or like I used to, shortly after my dad died, I saw like him in not his best form, I would say.

SPEAKER_01 44:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:56

Not his best angle. What do you think that was?

SPEAKER_01 44:59

Do you think that was uh like a heavy energy tricking you to see negativity? Because it clearly wasn't him. I don't believe it was your dad.

SPEAKER_00 45:07

No, like no, I don't think it I don't think it was either. So what I'm gonna say, I used to have night terrors really bad. Like in high school or things like that, I never really talked about them. And then shortly after my dad died, they like got worse and they wouldn't be night terrors anymore. Like I would see like a tall figure like behind me or like things like that. And I always knew they weren't my dad, but I was always just like, what the fuck? And I used to be so scared of like shit like that, and now I'm just not. Most of the time, I'm like, hey, what's up? I can't talk to them or communicate or anything like that, but I definitely hear things or feel things that are different that I'm like, oh, that's not like in this realm, to where I'm like, that something's there, it's just not in this dimension, if that makes sense. Where I'm like, okay, that's probably like a different dimension that someone's here and we're just crossing paths, or like that's the same as like with deja vu. I'm always like, I feel like I've done this before, and I'm like, okay, this is probably a different dimension that a different version of me has done this shit before. And then it's like a weird feeling too at the same time where you're like, okay, well, I don't really, it's that not understanding part of things. I feel like that makes people scared where they just they're not necessarily scared of certain things, they just don't understand it. At least for me, that's like how it is personally. Before, like, I would have this scary vision, not visions, but like dreams or things like that. I just didn't understand certain things. Like now I rarely have like night terrors, like I'll randomly have a weird ass bad dream where I'm like, what the fuck? I'll just wake up and like shake it off or something like that. But yeah, definitely after my dad, I think it was just because it was such a heavy loss that it was like darkness around me for a little bit. And two, I was with Baltimore, so that didn't fucking help either. That's when I had the most fucking night terrors, was I'd say at least three times a week when I was when we lived together, so I knew it wasn't me. Um, yeah, so I feel like those moments were probably the most. Or two at my job now. This one's kind of funny. So well, it's not funny. It's not funny how he died. So we we have this ghost in the bar I work in. I love it. And it's like a super, it's a super old building, and he died there in a fire. Oh no. Like many, many years ago, or whatever. People think his wife set it on fire and killed him in it, whatever. I think he's super chill. This other girl we have worked there, she just doesn't like it. But he messes with people a lot. I love tricksters. Not like anything. Yeah, like he'll we'll turn all the lights off, he'll turn them back on type of thing. Like that vibe, yeah. And like there was one night, it was just me closing by myself, which is rare. Um, and I was on FaceTime with my man's, and um he I was counting money to bring from the safe to bring back up to the drawers because we set the drawers at the end of the night. I had a bunch of money in my hand, and that's all I had in this hand, and then I had my phone in the other hand. I was like walking up the stairs because it's three levels is the bar I work at. It has three levels, and so I was in the basement and um was going back up the stairs, and all of a sudden, like all the money, not fell this way, down the stairs, like went up like I had thrown the money and was making it rain. Like $600 worth of fucking money just raining down. I literally looked up at the top of the stairs and I said, His name's Jonathan. I said, Fuck you, Jonathan! That is funny. I knew he was fucking with me because he only fucks with people when they're having like a rough night. That's when you're most vulnerable. So, like, and we have three levels. So he would always we'd turn the top level, like we'd close the top level first, turn all the lights off, you'd come downstairs. You'd see on the camera, oh, the fucking lights are back on, you asshole. So you'd have to go all the way back up like six flights of stairs to get fucking back up, turn the lights off, come back down on again. I'm like, do it again, Jonathan, because at this point I'm leaving them on. That's hilarious. I'm leaving them on. Yeah, but so that shit happened. I literally was like on the phone. I'm like, I know you just saw that shit. This fucker is messing with me. That's good. Messing with me. That's good. Oh, yeah. And you can know it's like real too. So our kitchen staff is all like Spanish, Mexican. Um, and the kitchen ladies are scared. So we have like a kitchen basement too, and that's usually, I think that's where he died. But so they're terrible, they hate going down there. They make the guys go down there, and she'll always, I see him, I see him. And I'm like, he's nice, like he's not trying to scare. Well, he's gonna say because you're vulnerable right now. But I'm like, he's funny. She said, he's not funny. I'm like, no, he's loco, loco. I'm like, yeah, he's a little crazy, but aren't we all? Like I'm like, he's he's I mean, he's then chilled me. It's never anything like bad, it's not like he's fucking punching me in the face or pushing you down the stairs. He's it's little things like that where yeah, it's an inconvenience, and you're like, fuck you, bro. It's funny. So I've never had like a negative experience.

SPEAKER_01 50:24

So I just randomly got in my head that you should leave a shot for him before your shift. Well, like when your shift begins, and it will calm down the energy. That I don't know if that's gonna be true, but I'm just throwing that out there.

SPEAKER_00 50:38

I'll do it, otherwise, he's gonna be fucking lit and I'm gonna text you and be like, bitch, you got to have. I'm gonna say it's all because you told me to give him a fucking shot. Because this fucker's off the tequila. Like he's going hard in the basement right now, and I will fucking talk about it. I don't think it's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 50:54

I think it's gonna calm. I think the energy will calm down. But if you guys acknowledge him or even like a photo, if you can find a photo of him and frame it and put it in there, like just of a thank you. Like, we support you, you're here. We all want acknowledgement. Thank you for listening to More Than Glitter, Voices Unheard. We hope you enjoyed this episode. If you haven't already, please subscribe, share, and leave a five-star review. Tune in next week where the journey into understanding, acceptance, and the beauty of being seen for who we truly are continues. Remember, everyone has a journey the world never sees. Be kind and remember you are loved. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, it's crucial to seek help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 800-799-7233. 800-799-7233. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. The Suicide and Crisis Hotline can be reached at 988. That's 988. Remember, you are not alone.

SPEAKER_00 52:08

Literally, like you stuttered, like your head was like this.

SPEAKER_01 52:16

I hope it recorded. I'm scared. We just had to read it all.

SPEAKER_00 52:25

That's why I clapped this a little bit, I guess. You knew if you cried, I'll probably cry now. Fuck it. That's exactly why I took my Alexa from the full shit, because I don't even think I could scream out. You can never cry. I would totally do that. I would so do that. You are a cryer.