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Remix your Marriage Podcast
Sharing our dysfunctional story of relationship, young parenthood and a broken marriage that all started in 1989, to a new incredible marriage. In hopes to help other couples not make the same mistakes.
We will have open and honest conversations about our ups and downs, our bad decisions and how we learned to get through all the Messiness! Marriage is tough but it is also amazing if you do it right!
Hang in there and give us a chance to Remix Your Marriage!
Remix your Marriage Podcast
EP2 - The Quiet Room, it was mental torture for kids: Lyndan's Story
Ever wondered how childhood experiences can shape your relationships and self-perception? Get ready to be part of an enriching conversation, as we, Vanessa and Lyndan, uncover the profound impact of childhood trauma, exploring deep-rooted stories that have played a significant role in our lives. Listen as Lyndan opens up about growing up without a father and how this absence took a toll on his relationships and shaped his perspective of self.
The episode takes an interesting turn as we delve into the profound impact of representation and the influence it can have on a young person's psyche. Drawing from his personal experiences and insights from TV shows, Lyndan talks about how contrasting images of black children in media can shape perceptions. Lyndan shares a turning point from his childhood, making a decision to be a good father despite not having a positive role model. We also navigate the pressures of adolescence and the importance of communication.
This episode is a testament to the power of open conversation and honesty, offering you a chance to reflect on your own experiences and understand the challenges that shape us. Join us on this journey as we share invaluable tips for strengthening relationships, all while having an honest, thought-provoking discussion.
Thank you for listening!
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Remixyourmarriage@gmail.com
Alright, alright, welcome to Remix your Marriage. This is Lyndon.
Speaker 2:And Vanessa.
Speaker 1:And thank you for joining us. If you did not hear Brown Skin Girl, please listen to that episode right after this one, or even right before, because I won't mind.
Speaker 2:Would you mind if I added something to my story, even though this is about you, but I always like to make it about me somehow?
Speaker 1:You know that kind of tracks with marriage Go ahead.
Speaker 2:I listening to the last episode. It was hard for me because I haven't been that honest and truthful about my life out in public, but I really want to just add that again, my parents did the best they could with what they knew and one of the things that I really which is so strange to say after everything I shared I really had a fun childhood, happy childhood. My mom and dad made sure I was in dance all day. They didn't put me in like not that there's anything wrong with daycare but they wanted to make sure I was dancing, I was moving, so I was in dance all day long. My brother was in sports. We went to Dodger games. Like once a month we went, you know, on vacation. I went to Guatemala. So I just wanted to add that it just made me feel good. All right, that's it. This is all about my love and his background.
Speaker 1:All right, so let's just get right into it. I was born in 1973, born and raised on the playground, as well as being with some of my kids. You can't help it.
Speaker 2:I know.
Speaker 1:So in 1973, I was born in Riverside, california. I grew up without a father and unfortunately that is a very common black story and in my case I didn't know any different. I was told that when I was three years old. So my mother and father, who were not married, I later found out, were never married, but they were living together with my three older siblings from a different father and my dad wasn't the kindest man to those kids, my siblings, or to my mother.
Speaker 1:And when I was three years old he pushed my mother, which is the story that I was told, but in reality I believe that he hit her, and more so. The day that that happened my, I should say one of the days that happened my grandfather came by and bought his pistol you know my grandfather's old school, old school black man and came by and brought his pistol and pointed it at my dad, at his head, and said I don't care what you do to that one which is pointing to me, but if you ever put your hands on my daughter or those other three I will kill you. So my dad took that and packed his bags and he left when I was three years old.
Speaker 2:And right there starting your life. I don't care what you do to this one, but these three I mean how, what that must have done to you. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well in and obviously not understanding that when I was three, but hearing that story later on. Later on I will tell you a quick story that I grew up thinking was funny and later on learned that it was super traumatic. My siblings around that before that time, apparently I was sitting eating dinner with everyone.
Speaker 2:Would you mind if I interrupt it real quick? Is this?
Speaker 1:the peace story. This is the peace story Because when we first met.
Speaker 2:We were just telling each other funny stories talking on the phone, and you'd been telling this story forever and I laughed so hard because I thought it was so funny and we just ended up bringing it up again. Yeah, so we'll get there, okay, okay.
Speaker 1:So, anyhow I was, I was at the table eating at two and a half three years old and there were peas. I was eating peas and I believe in my little brain I was like this pea is the exact size of my nostril, I wonder if it will fit. So I picked that pea up and I stuffed it in my nose and apparently they had the hardest time getting that pea out of my nose. It got very dangerous because they couldn't push too hard because it would smash the pea and you know. So they talked about that story for years and I always thought it was funny. But, as Vanessa just mentioned, one time we brought it up again and we learned that that was a very traumatic time for my older siblings.
Speaker 2:And when we brought it up at Thanksgiving, like I don't know how many years ago I think I brought it up and I go, yeah, Lenin told me one time he got a pea stuck in his nose and he was, and as soon as I said it, everybody kind of froze, yeah, and that's when we started to.
Speaker 1:The story started to come out To come out, yeah, and I guess that was kind of a turning point with how.
Speaker 2:So that was the day, the night, wasn't it I?
Speaker 1:don't know if that was the same night he left. Oh, okay, but that was.
Speaker 2:What happened, what really happened with the pea story?
Speaker 1:Well, all I know is that that was a turning point to his I mean, he was to my older siblings. It was very traumatic to them, so much so that during Thanksgiving I think during Thanksgiving you're supposed to talk about religion and politics, right, but instead we brought up the past and didn't go well. And again, they didn't want to get into detail about exactly what happened with the peace story, but it wasn't good If it was physically abusive, but I definitely know it was verbally abusive too, my siblings and to my mom, because he blamed them for not watching me when who could have stopped me from shoving a pee in my ass? Nobody knew what I was going to do. So that was the beginning of the end for him. And I think shortly after that is when he ended up pushing my mom or hitting my mom, and my grandfather came over. So that was early on in my life. Fast forward to three years later, when I was six years old, he ended up calling. So I hadn't seen this man, talked to this man, didn't know life with this man. He called my mom when I was six years old and they were talking and my mother casually calls me into the room and says, hey, your dad's on the phone and I go, okay, and she's like he wants to speak to you and I go, okay, I'm six years old, I'm like, okay. So I remember him saying hi, son, this is your dad. Do you want me to come see you? And I said no Because I didn't say, because I didn't tell him why. But the reason I said no is because I don't know you. You're a stranger calling my mom asking to come see me. I don't know you, so no, I don't want to come see you. So my dad took that from a six year old and I never saw him again, never heard from him again.
Speaker 1:I grew up with a single mother. After that I was growing up with a single mother, three older siblings who are all my half brother and half sisters. That wasn't so much a term back then because so many minority families had different fathers. It was just and you know it's probably the same now, but back in the 70s and 80s it seemed a lot more common. My sibling's father was an incredible man who I love very much. He passed away not too long ago, shortly after my mother passed away, but this man offered to step in and to be my father and included me in everything that he did with his kids and for some reason, at no fault of his, I just never felt like I fit in. He told me you can call me dad, and whenever he called and talked to his kids, he would talk to me as well and I just would entertain the thought of it, but I just never really.
Speaker 2:Did it feel connected.
Speaker 1:No, just you know, and it makes no sense because he's an again, you know you got to spend time just incredible Sweet loving man, yeah, but just not my father. So, as I grew up in Riverside, we didn't have a lot of money, so we had government assistance. So government assistance for those that don't know, you're lucky, but the government in the 70s and early 80s they would give you cheese, they would give you bread and things like that for free. And because my grandfather was in the military, he had government assistance on base, so we would get these humongous blocks of cheese, but this cheese did not melt.
Speaker 2:So must have not been real cheese.
Speaker 1:I think that was just a name that they called it because it was yellow, because it did not melt. I would burn bread trying to melt this cheese and I would open the sandwich and the cheese is so cold. On top of that we would get government bread where half of it was soggy and the other half was hard as rock, and then we'd get powdered milk, and powdered milk just tastes like water with powder in it. So that's kind of how I was growing up at that time not having a lot and quickly learning how much I hate chocolate, and sometimes I would force myself to eat chocolate if it was around, just so I'd have something to eat.
Speaker 1:So, without trying to make my family or my mom look bad, my siblings, my brothers, 10 years older than me, my other sisters nine years older than me, my other sister is seven years older than me. So when I'm eight, nine years old, they're already teenagers. They're concerned with their self and, of course, weren't they all working too? They were working. My younger sister had a baby early, so she had her own concerns and things that she had to take care of.
Speaker 1:So I was kind of neglected in a way, but I don't think they really noticed that I was being neglected because they were around me, you know, in the evenings, but I would come home to an empty house and really only had television to help me learn about things, learn about Fatherhood and and how men and how women work in things like that. I mean, I was grateful for my uncle and my grandparents to help this out. But, kind of rewinding a little bit, I never really felt like my grandparents liked me. So they helped us out a lot and they got me Christmas presents along with everyone else, but as far as the loving side of it, I never really felt that, the way that I felt like they loved my cousins, mm-hmm and I know that was because of my father's situation. They never liked him from the beginning.
Speaker 2:It's not interesting, though you were little, you didn't really, you didn't know what had happened when you were little the difference between your family, my family my family Talks too much and your family wasn't telling you, and they were trying to protect you. Yeah and I and I understand that, but you felt a disconnect with your grandparents, even though nothing was said. You, yeah, feel that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, young age, you know and that was back when you got spankings and you know there were. I wish we had time out then. I would have taken time out a billion times over the spankings that I would get for For little things. But you know, as you mentioned with your family, that's what they knew. My grandfather grew up getting spanked, my grandmother, you know that's what they knew. So I felt like sometimes with me was Spankings to another level.
Speaker 2:So you want to just go over that or no? What kind of spankings you would get. We're a little bit different.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but out of respect for my grandfather, I'm gonna get into detail.
Speaker 1:Okay but we later on reconciled something that he didn't even know needed to be reconciled, but Remind me to touch on that later. Okay, so, as time went on, I Discovered a show called different strokes, and different strokes was, if you don't know, is a show that came out in 1978, and it was about two black kids from Harlem who, their mother, was the maid for this white man and she died and the white man decided to take them in and move them up to where they were there in Manhattan.
Speaker 2:He's no upper East side. Upper East side, yeah, so same place to Jefferson.
Speaker 1:So they were from Harlem. They were from Harlem, yeah, so they were from Harlem, which you know. When you're a kid I thought Harlem was a different planet. But there are these poor black kids from Harlem. They they move up to be with mr Drummond and the Upper East Side, and then now they're rich, you know, and I I connected with them because, first of all, this was the first time that I saw kids that look like me on TV, who were not poor, who were not ignorant and who were living a good life. I mean, prior to that, I was watching good times, where everybody was broke and they were in the projects and every episode was about them getting out of the projects and getting fired, and so that's what I knew for black people. That was my future. My future is living in the projects, mmm, going to visit my kids every now and then, because I wasn't gonna be a good father.
Speaker 1:And then different strokes come. So I Start to see like, oh so there's a possibility for me, because look at these black kids living, you know, in New York, in the Upper East Side, and going to this all-white school and you know, we were, we were Rainwashed at that time to Think that white was right. You know that's. You know, the first part of my life, like anything that a white person did was what you were supposed to do, and To come close to success, you had to follow what they did and then, watching different strokes, it was a white man that would these black kids in and he was the savior to them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I Wanted to be like him, but you know, there was no one on TV like me a father. So I wanted to be like him and that gave me my first taste of Of what I wanted to be as a dad. Yeah, so when I was Ten years old I don't remember exactly what happened, but I remember being I climbed this tree. That was my front yard. I was sitting at the top of the tree and I'm ten years old and I'm on this branch and my legs are just dangling and I'm looking down and no one knows. I'm up there and I got this Thought in my head that said, you know what? You're gonna be the best father, because you know everything that you Don't have right now.
Speaker 2:I don't know this story.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you can't cry because you're gonna make me. I know I'm sorry, but I realize at ten years old like I'm gonna be a good father. But until then I'm gonna give. Don't, you can't cry.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm not gonna look at you.
Speaker 1:Okay, but until then I'm gonna give my father the benefit of the doubt, because I'm ten years old and I don't know what it's like to be a 28 year old man With children who has a gun pointed at his head. Yeah, so until I'm in his position, I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt.
Speaker 2:Wow so. That is so wise for a 10 year old to even think that and I don't know where that came from.
Speaker 1:Well, I that came, that came from God. So that was me, you know. So getting closer to moving to Santa Crete. So at 12 years old I started in junior high. My mom had us all go to a school that was out of our district. That district that I went to school in was the district for my grant, where my grandparents lived, and she did that because she worked, left the house at five o'clock in the morning, didn't get home till seven or eight o'clock at night, Wow.
Speaker 1:She was a single mom, she was a secretary, she was trying to work her way up to take care of her family, so she didn't have to depend on my uncle and didn't have to depend on my grandparents. She really wanted to do on her own, so she commuted Every day two hours there, two hours back and worked an eight hour day. So in her thought was, if something happens in school, my grandparents are right there so they can come get me. So great idea. Horrible for me, because all the kids that I went to school with in elementary school Once I moved over to junior high, I didn't know anyone. Yeah, so it was like starting all over again, and as a 12 year old boy it's hard to start over again, you know, and Fortunately this was a very diverse school, but all these kids knew each other, they all grew up together. So my 12th grade year was horrible. I didn't tell anybody you're what grade year?
Speaker 1:Sorry, my 12th grade, that was actually like I already knew you then my 7th grade year 7th grade year was horrible and I didn't tell anybody because, unlike your family, we didn't.
Speaker 1:We didn't discuss stuff, you know, we kind of just kept things in. Right around 8th grade in Riverside Gangs started to form. There was a movie called colors that came out and it came out prior to that, but it really opened our eyes to Crips and Bloods and the gang life and things like that. At that time Riverside was being divided to a Crip area and a blood area and I remember being in 8th grade and this guy who was Supposed to be in 10th grade he was built like the rock and he was like 14 years old he comes out to me and he's like what's such a claiming blood, you know, and I didn't even know what that meant.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I still don't know what that means, but go ahead yeah look it up.
Speaker 1:So. So I started having to deal with that and knowing that I didn't want to be in a gang, knowing that that wasn't, you know, the lifestyle I wanted. I wanted to lead, but also having to Claim something. I had to claim some type of gang, just not to get beat up at that time. So, again, didn't tell anyone in my family, this was happening.
Speaker 2:I why do you think that is? Why do you think you just didn't know to, or did you just not want to worry them?
Speaker 1:I didn't know to. I think you, when you're a child, you're gonna do what you know. So in your family you saw your mom talking to your dad. Your mom talked to you. You guys talked to each other. So that's what you knew. In my family we didn't talk about stuff, so I didn't know that I should have been telling somebody, and later on okay.
Speaker 2:Spoiler alert. This is why we're talking about this now, Because this lease it seeped its way into our marriage.
Speaker 1:Yes, okay, go ahead. So I just kept this to myself. I kept the struggle to myself and I found myself getting sent to the quiet room in eighth grade. So the quiet room was a room that they would stick you in. You were not allowed to do homework, you were not allowed to draw, you couldn't do any schoolwork.
Speaker 2:Since this is me, yeah, the eighties were brutal on kids.
Speaker 1:So I literally sat in that room from eight o'clock in the morning until three pm. When I got out of school For lunchtime I went to lunch 30 minutes before the other kids, so I didn't see anybody and I had to bring my lunch back to that room and I got stuck in there. So that quiet room was designed for you to only be there for a couple of days. But because of the way my mom worked, she didn't get home till seven o'clock at night. She needed to come to the school during the day, but she couldn't afford to miss a day at work. So I was stuck in the quiet room for over a month.
Speaker 2:It's heartbreaking.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I started getting myself locked in the bathroom between periods because I just didn't want to be there anymore and I really felt like I was never going to get out. So my mom had been threatening me since I was in sixth grade that if I didn't straighten up, I was going to go live with my uncle in this far, far away city where nobody lives in its country.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's what you pictured. You pictured Santa Crito.
Speaker 1:Yes, like my address would be one.
Speaker 2:Well, I don't even think it was called.
Speaker 1:We called it Santa Crito, it's just called Canning Country. Canning Country, yeah.
Speaker 2:Canning Country.
Speaker 1:So my mom said to me during this time she says if you have any Fs on your report card, you're going to have to go live with your uncle out there. And I was like there's no way I am ever going to live out there in that country. So because I was in the quiet room, I wasn't getting any of my schoolwork, not that I wasn't getting it done. I wasn't getting any of my schoolwork because I wasn't going to any of my classes.
Speaker 2:So halfway through eighth grade my report it kills me that no one there wasn't a teacher or anyone that talked to you during this quiet room. Because I think the quiet room, because we've talked about it, I know about it, we've talked about it since I basically met you. It was very traumatic till this day and I think it kind of reinforced your silence, if that makes sense, because you were forced not to speak, which is Not to do anything. Which is just crazy yeah.
Speaker 1:I get my report card 5 Fs Somehow. I got a D and PE, don't know 5 Fs. So my mom sees it, she's like OK, so you're going to have to go live with your uncle and out in Canaan country. So I'm not taking her seriously because it's been three years since she's been threatening me with this. And we drive to Canaan country, we go to my uncle's house and my uncle comes out and sees me and he says tomorrow morning you're cutting the grass and you're washing my car. And I said OK, but after tomorrow morning I won't be here anymore. So I'm thinking in my head say what you got to say. I'm going home with my mom. So I'm sorry, and that was actually a Saturday that we arrived, so it was Sunday that he was saying I need to do these things.
Speaker 1:So my mom comes into where I was sleeping Monday morning, early Monday morning, and she says bye, son, and she gives me a kiss on the cheek and it's about five in the morning and I wake up and I go what are you doing? And she's like I'm going to work. And I said, oh, ok, so you're going to come back to get me. And she goes. She says no, this is where you're going to live and you only have to live here for six months and if your grades are good, at the end of the eighth grade you can come back. You can come back home. So I was like mom, please, like you know what I mean Like I don't.
Speaker 2:I cannot imagine how hard that was for her. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and at the time I didn't. At the time I felt like she was being selfish, like she wasn't doing this for me. She was doing this for her, so she wouldn't have to deal with me. But I think she thought I needed a man in my life and I got to tell you, my mom was all the man I needed. She just wasn't able to be around.
Speaker 2:So Wow, this is tough.
Speaker 1:All right. So she left and she didn't come back and I started doing work for my uncle around the house cutting the grass and washing his car and all these things, and he was automatically mad at me. He automatically, I felt he automatically didn't like me as well, because my grandfather and that's my grandfather's son the whole thing with my father. He never liked my father.
Speaker 2:But nobody ever told you why they hated your father.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:You never knew.
Speaker 1:Now it's time to go to school. So I come from a school that was very diverse. It was about, I'd say, about 50, 60% minority and the other 40, 50% were Caucasian. So it was a very diverse school. I didn't stand out much as an athlete when I did stuff.
Speaker 2:From the candy country. In what year? What year was this?
Speaker 1:So I came to candy country in 1988.
Speaker 2:So no, you didn't.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:No, because 87, 87. No, we only met two years after you left here. Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:It was 87. And just to give you kind of an idea of my uncle's parenting and things that he didn't know, my uncle was in his 40s when I moved in with him. He was like he's also a. He's also a therapist psychologist. Yes, him and I have a very good relationship now, so everyone knows. Yes, but we had a really rough start.
Speaker 2:He has taken care of us.
Speaker 1:Yes, but we had a really rough start. So my uncle says you got school tomorrow, there's a bus somewhere and take that bus to your school. So me not asking questions, I get dressed. I had a little afro at the time and I didn't have a comb or anything, so I used a fork to pick my hair out and make it look as nice as I could, thank gosh, and he didn't give you a comb, no, I wore, and I wore a white T-shirt and jeans because I thought, canning country, these are cowboys out here. I'm black.
Speaker 2:I did not know I need to blend in.
Speaker 1:So I wore a white T-shirt and jeans and I walk outside and I see my neighbor who ended up being a really good friend of mine. I see her walking down the street, so I was like I guess I should follow her. So I followed her and I hop on the bus and what do I see but a sea of whiteness. It was pleasure and pain at the same time. Why was it pleasure? It was pleasure because white is right. That's. This is how I was raised in Riverside and I was like I get to be around all these white people all the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like you felt like you were. Did you feel like you were in a good neighborhood or you're in a good place?
Speaker 1:Okay, I felt like I was in a better place. I knew.
Speaker 2:You were always told a few. If there's white people, well, for me it was Americans, Because Americans in a neighborhood, then you're safe. Yeah, You're good. I know that's this probably sounds very bad, but if you you know.
Speaker 1:As mentioned, honest and open.
Speaker 2:We're being honest and open. This is this is how we are raised. We are not embellishing anything. We are. This is how we were raised and what we were taught.
Speaker 1:So I get on the bus and it's all white. And I get to this school, my middle school, and I go to the office and they're like, yeah, we're going to have somebody walk you around. So this black kid shows up to walk me around. I was like, oh okay, so there are the black kids here. So him and I start walking around and he's showing me everything and I quickly realized him and I are the only two black kids in the whole entire seventh and eighth grade. So we had a couple mixed kids that were there One of them, Kimberly, I'm still friends with to this day. But there was a couple of mixed kids that were there, but everyone else was white. So I remember and Hispanics.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, and yeah, there was not many.
Speaker 2:Yeah, not many, but yeah.
Speaker 1:So I remember on my first day I had to run the mile. Okay, so, keeping in mind coming from Riverside, where it was 50% minority to coming here was like half a percent I ran this mile and I beat everybody in the fastest guy in the school. I beat him by a minute and yeah, which I could not believe and I instantly became like this superhero and people embraced my blackness for the wrong reason, but it felt good, you know. It felt good to finally get some positive attention and positive feedback and I started feeling really good about being in there. And it's it's crazy to think as a kid, all you really need is some motivation, someone positive speaking influence into your life to really change the trajectory and change the attitude that you have.
Speaker 2:Yeah, wow.
Speaker 1:And my attitude switched. I knew within a week I didn't want to go back home. So we're the fast forward to that is crazy.
Speaker 2:You went from mom. Where are you going to like? Okay, I'm good here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like this I'm going to, I'm going to be successful. Even like. This is how I felt and that was just feedback from just the kids I was hanging around with, so fast forwarding to high school, where there was about 12 of us. When I got to, about 12 black kids Wait, real quick.
Speaker 2:So how, where you're, great it's how did you start? Did you start improving Cause your mom said six months. Yes, yeah, thank you.
Speaker 1:I had straight A's. So at the end of my eighth grade I had straight A's. My mom called me and she was like good job, I'm so proud of you, you can come home. I said, mom, I love you, but I don't want to come home yet. Let me just do ninth grade out here.
Speaker 1:Let me just do one more year out here. She chuckled my uncle. My uncle said it's fine. So I started high school there's about 12 black kids there and in that time there was still a lot of racism.
Speaker 1:And I dealt with a lot of racism at that high school, cause there was only 12 of us, just something as simple as 12 of us standing in a circle talking the. We called them Narx at the time. They would come and tell us hey, we can't Campus supervisor, campus supervisor. We weren't allowed to stand in a circle because we looked too much like a gang. And we would say but those white kids over there are standing in a circle, and they would just tell us don't worry about them. We also, during the winter, we would go to 7-Eleven and we get these gloves. We called them brownies, but they were just garden gloves that we could get for a dollar because we just didn't have gloves. And they would told us you can't wear those to school because they're gang related. So, so your hands have to freeze. So your hands have to freeze, so Put them in your pockets, and so, anyhow, high school was mixed emotions.
Speaker 1:I continued to do really well in school with my grades. I continued. I started Sports, I started to excel in sports. However, I still had my daddy issues. I'm still a teenager, not having a father in my life and having my uncle, who is on his own journey. He's a single man, he's a therapist, he's on his own journey. I have separation issues because of my mom, who decided to kick me out, so to speak, and I had abandonment issues as well.
Speaker 1:And then, when I was 16 years old, my mom gets into a horrible, horrible car accident. She almost died in this car accident and she was in a coma. I cannot remember how long she was in a coma for, but it was a few months that she was in a coma and when she came out of this coma, she could only blink for a very long time and she ended up being paralyzed completely on the left side of her body, and mostly on the right side of her body, for the remainder of her life. I'm so sad for my mom. I'm dealing with that. And then a show called the Cosby Show starts, and then there's Cliff Huxedable not Bill Cosby, but Cliff Huxedable.
Speaker 2:Just talking about Cliff Huxedable, you guys.
Speaker 1:And that's the dad. I know, that's the dad, I know it. He's a doctor, he's black, he's successful, he's got five kids and he's raising his kids and he has a wife that's successful and an attorney. He's an attorney. No, no, she was an attorney, yeah she was an attorney.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she was an attorney.
Speaker 1:And that was the dad. So now I have my dad that I can be Successful black man that's what I gotta be. But R&B music started and there were songs like Bumb and Grind. And Let Me Lick you Up and Down.
Speaker 2:Bumb and Grind came later. Freak me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we're not gonna talk about no Bumb and Grind stuff. Yeah, let's not talk about that, all of those songs that convinced you as a young black man that in order to be good and cool and desired, you had to be a player.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So my boys and I did the same to them. We give each other's props based on how many girls liked us and how many girls we could get to like us and how many dates we could go on, and so that was ingrained in me. So I had.
Speaker 2:And you also had no father figure to talk. You had no adult male to talk to about all of these things you were feeling about women, so you didn't have another voice, the moral voice, telling you this is not how you treat women, and you didn't have anybody to see to witness how they treated a woman.
Speaker 1:Exactly. That's exactly where I had no one that I could really look up to, to show me this is what a woman should mean to you, this is how you should treat a woman. And instead I had my friends, who were just as messed up as I was, and we're encouraging each other to do the wrong things. You take this boy whose father left him at three years old, who was raised without a father, who saw his siblings have their father in their life because they were valuable to him, to my mom kicking me out at 12 years old to live with my uncle, to feeling like my grandparents didn't snag me, my uncle didn't like me, to feeling like a big chunk of my family just thought I was a loser and a horrible person. And then learning that being a player is what gets me praise and being a player is what gets me light. And I took all of that garbage and I brought it into our marriage and in 1989, I walked into Magic Mountain.
Speaker 2:Was it 89? It was 1989.
Speaker 1:Was it?
Speaker 2:the summer of 89 or 88?.
Speaker 1:Summer of 89.
Speaker 2:Okay, I did not realize it was the same year. Okay, go ahead.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and if you lived anywhere in Saugus or Canyon Country or Hart, you went to Magic Mountain because it was closed. There was a club called After Hours that I was not aware of and my friend and I had been there all day because you went to Magic Mountain to look for girls. That's what we did and we had been there all day. I had seen a lot of girls that day and I had a good time and we were row to some rides. And then on the way out I hear this music and I look over and I see this girl standing in front of this doorway and I am telling you without exaggerating, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And in the darkness of the night of Magi Mountain there was a light that appeared to come from the heavens and shine on her and I was instantly floored and it was like a glimpse of what my life could be.
Speaker 2:I've heard this story so many times and for some reason, as you're telling it, it's getting me emotional.
Speaker 1:My friend is telling me we got to go. We got to go. So I'm like but that girl, you know, like that girl, and we left and I just could not get this girl out of my head. Like I thought about her night and day and I'd seen so many girls that day, but this one particular girl I just couldn't get out of my head. So a couple months later, I'm at school, it's the beginning of school and I'm sitting in the parking lot after the first day of school and I see that girl in the parking lot and my heart exploded. She's walking towards me and she comes right up to me when I'm sitting in the stairs and she says hey, and I look at her in her eyes, meet and I was like I love you.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I remember this. It's so weird. I mean he didn't actually say I love you, but I remember my eyes did.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I remember this and she says does my hair look okay? Because that's all I cared about, yes, and I said oh yeah, your hair looks really good.
Speaker 2:And it's so crazy because, because my friend had cut my hair. You know we did that to each other back in the day yes, she cut my hair and I was so self-conscious, I felt ugly like. I felt like I looked so bad and I just saw the first guy walking up the stairs, or he was walking down the stairs.
Speaker 1:I was sitting, I was sitting.
Speaker 2:I just asked you because I was just a random person. I didn't know who you were or anything. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think that's funny and if you haven't guessed it, that girl was her, it was Beness.
Speaker 2:I was telling a story about being a bully We'll get into all that later too and for some reason I told the story of when Lyndon first saw me and I had been hearing that story. Since the day we met I'd been hearing that story, and then it came to me. When he said that there was a light over me because, as if you heard my story, you know I was in such a dark, dark place that was like right, that was the beginning of everything for me.
Speaker 1:After you lost your father.
Speaker 2:After I lost my father. I actually started smoking cigarettes then and I think I'd already start drinking and things, just you know. I thought it was having a fun life, but there was just a darkness in my life and the fact that he saw a light over me I think that's what gets me emotional, because it just shows that God was there in that moment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's amazing that God is always with us. In that moment, god showed me my future. The senior face gave me hope. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:As I were not videoing yeah.
Speaker 1:So in a very dark time in both of our lives, god said these fools need each other and we didn't do things the right way and because of that we went through a lot of pain and hurt, but we walked through it together. And listening to Vanessa's story and my story, us coming together with all of this baggage that we never unpacked and we said, I do.
Speaker 2:There was no premarital counseling for us. There was no. I hear these marriages and I'm like, oh, that's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to do premarital counseling? You're supposed to, like you know, when families meet each other. Nothing, I mean, it's just yeah, we're two broken kids really.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that's a short version of both of our stories. There's so much more, just like, I'm sure, with your story there's so much more, but we're not going to keep you here for hours and hours yeah. That's my background. You've heard Vanessa's background. If you haven't, again, go back and listen to it. And then you get to hear what happened when these two people got together when we had these two people, when, oh. Vanessa, I have a spoiler for you.
Speaker 2:What.
Speaker 1:I had a girlfriend. Oh gosh, the day that I was sitting on the stairs and I saw you, I had a girlfriend.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know fool, I know you had a girlfriend and I knew the girlfriend.
Speaker 1:That's a story for another day.
Speaker 2:That's what we're going to share next time probably. Yeah, Five is going to be the doosie Five. There's probably going to be a part one and two. I did not think that was going to be that tough, but that was a tough one. But I'm proud of us. I heard some things that I've never heard before. It's just beautiful how long you can be married and still discover new things about each other, and can you say that again? It's what now I already forgot.
Speaker 1:You said it's beautiful how long you can be married and still discover things about each other.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, we do want to ask you it's so important because we are new on all these platforms that you would rate and review us only if you're going to rate five star. If he's not going to rate, rate this five star, please move along, and it would just help us so much. So I appreciate we're already getting DMs, which is so exciting. We're so excited. We are pouring out our heart to all of you and we hope that you can benefit from this Follow, subscribe all that good stuff, yeah. You have to follow on iTunes.
Speaker 1:You don't subscribe. Well, whatever, it is Okay. Questions, comments you can send them to remixyourmarriagecom. We love questions and we will get back to you all.
Speaker 2:Yes, and topics. Now, once we get through the store, we're going to get more into topics and things like that. All right.
Speaker 1:Thank you, guys, I'm proud of you, love.
Speaker 2:That was tough.
Speaker 1:It was very tough.
Speaker 2:By the way, spoiler alert. This man, how many times are you going to say spoiler alert? That's going to be in the morning Spoiler alert.
Speaker 1:We're going to say it a lot. I don't want to say that anymore. We'll cut it out.
Speaker 2:Anyways, spoiler alert, this man can now share his emotions and tell me how he's feeling, and he does not have a problem with that anymore. I'm so proud of him. Love you guys. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1:Love heart, remix your marriage. See you next time.
Speaker 2:Is that going to be your sign off? It'll be different, okay, peace.