EP4 - Our Marriage Expectations verses reality. This almost destroyed us.

In this episode Lyndan and Vanessa discuss the unreasonable expectations they had for one another when they first got married. Lyndan expected non stop passion in the bedroom, Vanessa expect a church going husband who prayed for strangers!  With little to no communication the stress of not receiving these unreal expections led to a destructive relation! Lyndan made some horrible choices, those choices almost led to divorce!
We talk about things both of us could have and should have done differently and how that lack of communication could have been an easy fix if we were surrounded by the right people. 
Marriage can be fun and if you are going through some hard times, hang in there with us, it really can get better!

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:05

Hello and welcome to Remix your Marriage.

Speaker 2 0:08

We are back.

Speaker 1 0:09

We are back. I've been gone a little while. Well, I'm Lyndon.

Speaker 2 0:12

Oh, and I'm Vanessa.

Speaker 1 0:13

And happy new year. Happy new year. I hope you guys have a great time. We had to take a little bit of a break. I want to Family over.

Speaker 2 0:21

Yes, but I want to share what we're doing right now.

Speaker 1 0:22

Okay.

Speaker 2 0:23

We're in a deep week.

Speaker 1 0:24

Yes.

Speaker 2 0:25

My parents are couples that you have young kids and it's a struggle just to get a date night. There's no, there's hope.

Speaker 1 0:33

Yeah, we are. We are out of town in a hotel recording and we are excited to come back.

Speaker 2 0:40

Yes, you don't want to talk about our date week. Oh, go ahead. No, my point is is that it was so hard to like find a babysitter, even when we wanted to go away for the weekend. Remember how tough that was.

Speaker 1 0:51

Yeah.

Speaker 2 0:52

One of the great things about having adult kids is we didn't have to get a babysitter.

Speaker 1 0:56

Yeah.

Speaker 2 0:57

We just like up and left, so it's kind of nice.

Speaker 1 0:59

Yeah, like just us the babysit each other and sometimes it turns into a little argument, but that's okay, they're going to handle themselves.

Speaker 2 1:06

Yes, and we took off, so it's really nice. I feel like it's perfect to start our new year. We're calling this the Mamba year.

Speaker 1 1:13

Well, we didn't call it the Mamba year A lot of people called the Mamba.

Speaker 2 1:16

Yeah, yeah, it's 2024.

Speaker 1 1:18

2024. So January 3rd 2024. So we're actually in Fresno, california, and we are excited to bring you episode number four. Yes, so, as I say every episode, if you haven't listened to the previous ones, please listen to the previous episodes.

Speaker 2 1:33

But these are going to really make sense.

Speaker 1 1:34

Yeah, to get to understand what's happening here.

Speaker 2 1:36

So with that, and so just for you know you're listening ears around, you know? I mean we're not going to go too in depth yet.

Speaker 1 1:44

Yeah, we're not going to get off.

Speaker 2 1:45

We're not going to get off, but we are going to talk about it, so just you have been warned.

Speaker 1 1:49

You've been warned.

Speaker 2 1:51

So we got married, yes.

Speaker 1 1:53

So we're today. In this episode we're going to talk about getting married and when we got married, not getting married. Yeah, when we got married and what my expectation was for marriage, what your expectation was for marriage, that we never discussed and we had completely different ideas of what our marriage was going to look like.

Speaker 2 2:12

And again, just a reminder this is leading into episode five and why what happened. Many factors went into that, and so, for me, we had gotten married. We went to Vegas I think we had already mentioned that, yes, silver Bell Chapel, I don't know why that's so hard for me to say and then we had a honeymoon of Vegas, which I really think we had a honeymoon, but anyways and we came back and we had our two year old son and I just expected, oh, we're married now, and he felt like I was going to feel different. I had a lot of expectations for my husband and who he was going to be in my eyes and with the wifi was going to be. And I look back now and I realized that I was very child centered.

Speaker 2 3:02

Yes, I was focused on raising my son the best way that I could, because I was. My biggest fear was that he was going to end up like me and I just wanted him to know he was cared for, loved for. And then we decided we wanted to have Bella.

Speaker 1 3:20

Yes.

Speaker 2 3:20

I have to say Bella feels like she's not mentioned enough in our podcast.

Speaker 1 3:23

Because she wasn't born yet. We haven't gotten her yet.

Speaker 2 3:25

It's so funny. This is the one we don't want them to listen to.

Speaker 1 3:29

Yeah, so I remember that you had gotten saved while you were pregnant and once our child was born, you were really, really into God and I'm choosing my words carefully but you were really into it and I was kind of pretending that I was really into it because I wanted.

Speaker 2 3:50

I was super religious. I was more focused on the religion than the relationship. There it is, yeah.

Speaker 1 3:55

Yeah, so before we got married you had told me we're living together and I don't think we should have sex anymore until we get married.

Speaker 2 4:04

Yeah.

Speaker 1 4:05

So in my brain I'm like but why is one sin not as bad as the other? I mean, if that's the case, then we shouldn't even be living with each other. But being young and dumb and I'm just like you know I'm just going to accept this because when we get married it is going to be on.

Speaker 2 4:22

Can I backtrack a little bit though?

Speaker 1 4:24

We can keep backtrack.

Speaker 2 4:25

We had sex, obviously at a young age.

Speaker 1 4:28

Yeah.

Speaker 2 4:29

I was 16 or 15. I was thinking I was 15. Yeah, I was 15. Since you were 16, and I don't think I was ever a sexual person I don't know if that's the right word, I don't think I ever. Really not that I didn't like it. I think I always had this guilt, kind of because I always had this foundation, from the time I can remember I had been involved in church and going to church and even though I had walked away for so long from, I would think, from the time my dad died, until 18, 19 years old. So when I came back I think there was always this guilt. So that surprises me when you say you expected that because it wasn't like I was a very I don't know.

Speaker 1 5:13

But the reason is because you know it was happening a lot before we had, before you got pregnant. It was happening in a lot. So I just figured once our son was born and now we're living together.

Speaker 2 5:26

We're just gonna continue on that path to and I had so much guilt behind it.

Speaker 1 5:30

Yeah, and at the time I didn't know. All I knew is how you were before pregnancy and had an expectation that that's the way it's always gonna be. We all know the stereotypes of why it's not wanting to have sex and the husband practically begging for it. But I'm like that is not you, because being younger, everything that's going on with us and having fun and doing stuff, so anyhow, that's what I thought was gonna happen. I didn't think you were gonna change at all.

Speaker 2 5:58

Yeah, there was a constant battle with me with trying to be this perfect Christian mom, wife. That doesn't exist, by the way. Spoiler alert, oh, spoiler alert. That should be the name of our podcast man.

Speaker 1 6:12

I know.

Speaker 2 6:13

So that doesn't. I found out that's impossible, but that's what I was trying to start. There's also a lot of fear going into marriage, parenting. I feel like fear was like a driving force for me in everything, because when we had had our son I don't know if we said this on last podcast, but we had the Northridge earthquake. You did say it, we were the Northridge earthquakes. So then I had this fear of him. That's why he slept in the bed with us too, because I had a fear, because that was at 430 in the morning, out of nowhere it was six days old it was six days old.

Speaker 2 6:47

So then in my head, oh my God, anything can happen at any moment. So I need him by my side right now, like every minute. So kids sleeping in the bed not good for a marriage. I'm gonna say that and I don't care, you can bite me on that, that is. That was tough on our marriage.

Speaker 1 7:04

Yeah, it was.

Speaker 2 7:05

Because our bed wasn't our bed, it was all of our beds.

Speaker 1 7:09

A kid, yeah, and you mean like at an older age.

Speaker 2 7:14

You're not talking about like a baby or a yeah, we should think of the difference between Lyndon when we were learning how to be married and be married when we were learning how to be married, and then to Sophia the difference.

Speaker 1 7:29

Yeah, I guess. Yeah, like it was, the kid never slept in the bed with us. Yeah, exactly, and she's a much better childhood. I kid, I kid.

Speaker 2 7:36

Okay, but anyways. So yeah, I think I had expectations. None of it had to do with sex.

Speaker 1 7:42

It's just so odd the way that my brain was and none of it had to do with sex, and in my brain everything had to do with sex.

Speaker 2 7:51

We were not talking to each other about this. We had expectations, but neither one of us knew our expectations for each other. So I'm thinking, okay, I'm going to church every Sunday, I'm gonna raise this perfect child. I lived in the suburbs, I wanted everything. I wanted to make sure my kids were always cared for, always knew they were loved. I was always there for them. And Lyndon would work long, long, horrible hours, awful hours like how many hours?

Speaker 1 8:21

Well, I was in the car business, so I was working in 60, 70s, sometimes 80 hour weeks, so I wasn't home a lot and so we had decided well, I didn't even go into that, but we decided we wanted another child.

Speaker 2 8:33

We had Bella and Bella was totally planned. And then after that long story, we'll probably go into it like later on, but I don't want to go into it because it's years after. Then we have Sophia, we have the three kids, we are. Finally, Lyndon is making really good money at the car business. Too much money for 20-something year olds to have with no guidance.

Speaker 1 8:56

I remember thinking when we got home from Vegas that so we had gone on this hiatus of not really having sex because you decided we're not gonna have sex till we're married. So I remember getting back from Vegas and thinking honeymoon's over, but the honeymoon's not over. That first two years it's gonna be on and popping. So my expectation was very much, oh my gosh, Very much. This that's what I thought. I thought it was going to be a sex party daily.

Speaker 2 9:32

Wow, a sex party. Yeah, yeah, you thought there would be a party with sex.

Resolving Religious Differences in Marriage

Speaker 1 9:36

You and I. But, yes, wow, that was my expectations, and don't ask me where I got that from, partially from our history. But that's just what I expected. I didn't think kids were gonna change anything. I didn't think having our son was gonna change anything in our sex life, and I think that's where the disconnect started for me. So in my mind, I'm like Christianity, christianity, religion, no sex. So I started to have a really sour taste in my mouth about religion, about Christianity, because I felt like it was affecting my marriage and I thought it was supposed to strengthen my marriage. So I was going through the motions of going to church with you and going to church with our son, nothing that I wanted to do. I didn't. I didn't because I was. I was really upset with the whole, with our whole situation, but I just I just thought it was gonna get better.

Speaker 1 10:29

Yeah and then, of course, I got to a point where I'm like, okay, so this is just what it is. Like, I hear all the time about marriages and they kind of just get stale and that whole term, that whole phrase Old married couple and I just kind of thought, alright, so this is just what it is. I have to sit in this and this is what. This is just what my life is gonna be yeah, and it's really interesting because I want to.

Speaker 2 10:52

I want to stop right here real quick, and this is some crucial marriage advice to those of you who are listening that are newly married or you're going through your struggles right now. This is the importance of surrounding yourself with healthy married couples, with surrounding yourself with people that you can go to. About things like this, because In my brain, in my head, in the way that maybe it's just what I wanted to see. I thought my husband is a good Christian man, he's leading, but deep inside I knew, like certain actions and certain ways he was acting towards church and I just could feel that he wasn't having that same I wouldn't even say Relationship. He wasn't having the same views as I was. And now, but later, years later, we talked about it in all honesty Making your husband be which is pretty much what I was doing making your husband go to church, making your husband do all the churchy things, is not, is not going to be positive for your marriage.

Speaker 2 11:55

That is something that he when I married Lyndon, when I met Lyndon, he was not a Christian. So how do I expect him to all the sudden feel all the same things that I feel once we have a baby, like I expected him to just change overnight and go, okay, where Christians down just listen to me and do with everything. But he wasn't feeling it. But that little voice I was telling me I know he's not feeling this. I would just push it away, you know.

Speaker 1 12:18

Yeah, and for me, you know the days that I the days that I did miss church, Like there were some days where I was actually able to go, but I just didn't go and you coming home and telling me, like you know, you missed out, you can't, you're not gonna believe what the pastor said, dada, you need to get. So then I'm like, okay, so this Christianity, not only am I not connected, but now it's making my wife angry with me. And I didn't even do anything wrong, I just take the church. So you, remember that.

Speaker 1 12:46

Yeah, so it was. Again, you don't remember it cuz I didn't talk to you about it. This was a whole internal struggle that I really should have been talking to someone about, but I just didn't so in all reality, I'm sure there's a couples out there can that can relate with this.

Speaker 2 12:59

Who's maybe maybe it's wife that you know has been trying to get her husband a church or has become a church with her and she's not Feeling. You really have to. The best advice that I could give you is just pray for your spouse. You don't tell them what to do. Don't tell them that you're disappointed to them. That never, ever helps. It's just gonna push them away more.

Speaker 2 13:17

And that was the biggest mistake that I did is is I Expected so much out of Linden. Just because something inside of me was changing, does it mean that it was happening to him and I needed to? I needed to just back away and grow on what a grow Within myself, instead of focusing so much on how Linden was growing. You know the importance of going to the right church. Not that there was anything wrong with the church I was going to before. So this is when things change for me, when it when it comes to sex. So I am living this suburban life. I think I have two kids. We have two kids. At the time we're going back and forth on timelines because it doesn't really matter. Don't you hate it when people sorry, sidebar dirt. You hate it when people are like and I feel like I'm doing that a lot when they're like it was a Monday, oh no, no, no, it was a Tuesday, oh wait, no, it's not, that matters I love that I hate that and I feel like I'm doing that.

Speaker 1 14:09

So it's all good.

Speaker 2 14:10

So none of that matters. Plus, this was so many years ago. I mean, our kids are all in their 20s now, so my memory is not like I cannot remember everything. A bit of advice If you're looking for a church, you have to find a church. Or if you want your spouse to go to church, you need to find a church that your spouse feels Included, feels good about to, and that's another thing I did. I was doing this all on my own and now that I'm thinking about it, I believe it's because I watched my mom do all the things on her own. I watched her find her church on her own. She did all the things with, without my dad, and that's because she had to, you know. So I think I was just kind of in that mode, you know and and I didn't think about you.

Speaker 2 14:51

I'm like well, this church is in a nice part of town and everybody goes here, so this is the church we go to, you know.

Speaker 1 14:56

And I'll just be, I'll just be forward. What you were saying was I needed to feel more Included, included, and we went to a church that there wasn't a whole lot of minorities, yeah, so after leaving that church and going to a church where it was very it was very inclusive, the second I walked in I was like, oh okay, so this already feels better. Yeah so there was nothing wrong.

Changing Perception of Marriage and Sex

Speaker 2 15:22

That's where it's at, though we tell you that when we went to the new church so then the different church we went to it was and we. The reason we keep talking about church is because the power in Community and how it changed my life and the power of just being around the right people. So I go to this new church, go with my mom. You don't come with me for like a month or something, I think I've. I started going for a month and I was telling you I'm like I think this church is pretty cool and I think you're gonna like it. And then you started coming with me. Within four months of going, we invited our, our friends to go with us and there was a marriage retreat.

Speaker 1 15:58

The marriage retreat was the game changer the marriage retreat to me sounded like the worst time ever.

Speaker 2 16:06

And for me sounded like the best.

Speaker 1 16:09

So I'm thinking I'm going to go to some hotel with 20 other couples and we're going to sit in a circle and hold hands and talk about marriage. I have absolutely. Why would you hold hands and talk about marriage? Because I didn't know. I watched television. I didn't know, I had no interest in going on this marriage retreat.

Speaker 2 16:26

Yes, so you had no interest in going. I think that what helped you going was that our friends went with us that had just started going to the church as well. That was a big push. You knew. You knew he would be with you.

Speaker 1 16:36

So and I'm like we can be bad together. Him and I will just go do our own thing.

Speaker 2 16:41

And I really want you to know, I really believe that my husband is like in on all of this, like he's good with this because no communication he would not tell me. You know, I don't feel comfortable with this, I don't want to do this. You know he was just like, okay, I'm just going to kind of go along with whatever you want to do. So we go to this marriage and I think Lenin is expecting the worst. We had the best time. First of all, it was a country Western theme. We are the opposite of country Western Sorry for you country people out there, but we are the opposite of that by this. On Saturday night there's like a dinner by Saturday night, lyndon and Ray were wearing cowboy hats and cowboy hats, and we're just just having the best time.

Speaker 1 17:26

We're just staring at each other, laughing at each other.

Speaker 2 17:28

So the reason is is because we sit down, we have a session, but everyone was having so much fun, everyone was making fun of each other. That's where we kind of come from. We come from a group of friends where we kind of bag on each other. We have a good time. It didn't. It wasn't the kind of Christian people that I grew up with.

Speaker 1 17:45

It didn't feel like church to me.

Speaker 2 17:46

It didn't feel like church, it felt like fun and friends, and isn't that like what it should be like we should be having?

Speaker 1 17:51

fun. That's what it is now. But yeah, but back then I didn't think that was a possibility. I thought you know, we, you've been going to church for a while now and you come home upset with me and like I was like church is not fun. So when this was happening, I was very me and my friend Ray we were very thrown off by what the heck is going on here.

Speaker 2 18:09

And it was so much fun. And the pastor. Big, huge shout out to Pastor Gary. You'll be hearing more about him later.

Speaker 1 18:15

Next episode.

Speaker 2 18:16

But, yes, next episode and the whole team and just it was. It was life altering. But the biggest thing was the women. We have like a separate women's group and they talked about sex. Like, for me, I'm like what the heck? We're in church and they're talking about sex and they talked about the importance of of of having sex and importance of that, of that time with your spouse and what's a making time, and it completely blew my mind. I was, I think that my jaw was dropped the entire time because I'm like, wait a minute, I didn't think that sex was important.

Speaker 2 18:54

I I know I'm kind of embarrassed to say this, but I believe that I still thought that sex was really only to have children. You know, and I think that's because that's kind of what I was thought, I thought and I looked at it like it was dirty. And then I'm looking at these women who love Jesus and they're just love their husbands and they're saying sex is, sex is from God. Sex is something that you need to enjoy with your husband. It's the one thing you two get to do together. That separates you from being roommates, you know. Yes.

Speaker 1 19:25

So, of course, me, after that marriage retreat, I was so excited that that was even a possibility. Oh, of course I was like, hey, I can't have myself. So I was, I was, I was so excited after this marriage retreat because I was like now it's coming from God and now God is time. So if, if no one else can get through to you, god is saying you need to have sex with your husband. So I thought everything was going to change.

Speaker 2 19:58

Yeah.

Speaker 1 19:59

But what really? The only thing that really changed was your perception and your understanding. In my opinion, at the time, your perception and understanding of the importance of it changed, but the act still wasn't happening.

Speaker 2 20:13

Yeah, it still wasn't, but in my head I was like thinking that it was. You know, I don't really remember a lot of that time in that marriage.

Speaker 1 20:23

I remember every single day. Do you really?

Speaker 2 20:25

No, okay, we learned about the five leveling, which is in the importance, things that me and Lyndon had never talked about. So, on that point, when me and Lyndon are talking, and of course you know it's the marriage retreat, so of course we're having sex. I'm thinking we have a great marriage, like my husband is communicating with me, he's open and really, I'm going to be honest, I didn't think, like we had, that he was wanting to have sex all the time. Because we look back now and we've had this conversation. I'm just going to be very transparent. I think that something was going on with me hormonal. We later on found I had a lot of hormonal issues going on, that I didn't desire it as much, but my problem was is that I was so selfish in my thinking going well, if I don't feel like it, then we're just not going to not thinking that my husband needed that for me you know that sounded bad. Not needed that for me. You needed that time with me.

Speaker 1 21:17

We needed that time. It's just an important time of connection.

Speaker 2 21:21

An important time of connection. So I would just let weeks, I would let months go by and not really think about it and then get so offended if he would give me an attitude or treat me kind of differently, be very cold to me and in the back of my head I'm like I know it's because they have not sex. I know it is, but we would get in humongous fights bad. But when I say huge fights, silent treatment, linen would leave. I would call him, text him and you wouldn't answer me back. And I remember calling my best friend and saying I don't know what's on and she would know immediately. She's like well, are you guys having sex? She know immediately that that was the reason. And me I'm like gosh, why is this such a big deal to him? Like I really didn't understand it. Is that not crazy? I'm going to these marriage retreats and I'm still just not getting it.

Speaker 1 22:13

Right For me, like my mood. So the fighting was because I was so short tempered with you, so something that you would normally say to me that wasn't a big deal because we weren't having sex. I was like she doesn't even deserve my conversation. You know, I'm not. I'm not even going to respond to that, I'm not even going to give her a kiss, I'm not going to. So I really really started pulling away because I felt very undesired. I started hearing, you know not, I started hearing. I was hearing from my pastors that you know, him and his wife are having sex all the time and all these people that are the head of the church and this and this church is what we're following, following in this relationship and Christianity. This is what we're following. So these people are doing it and my wife and I still aren't. So obviously it's me. It has to be me, because before I wasn't going to church. Now I'm deeply involved in the church and I'm loving it and it's still not happening.

Speaker 2 23:05

Yeah.

Speaker 1 23:06

So I just felt like it had to be me.

Speaker 2 23:07

Yeah, and I think that I look back at it now and know that I didn't have a desire for it. I just wasn't feeling it and I wasn't focused on you. I was focused more on raising the kids. So I was doing a lot of pretending yeah, my marriage is great, my marriage is perfect, my husband has a great job, we have these kids who are doing so well, so sweet, so well behaved. I'm a stay at home mom like everything is so great. It's just that one little thing. But in the back of my head I'm like it's really not that big of a deal.

Speaker 2 23:41

You know because and then this is another thing I have learned. If it's a big deal to you, which let me just say I am I understand the importance of sex. I enjoy sex. It is something that we take priority in now, but it's not something that we have to think about so much anymore, because it's just something we both want to do. So, even though in the back of my head it's so funny, I remember thinking okay, this is when I thought I was healthy in my marriage. I'm like okay, having sex, that's something that needs to be on my to-do list. So that is laundry, picking the kids up from school, homework, baths. Okay, I have to make sure I have sex.

Speaker 1 24:25

So in the meantime, just like right before we got married, I started going out with the guys that I worked with and same conversations I was having before hey, what's gonna happen when you get home?

Speaker 1 24:37

She's gonna be asleep, she's not gonna wake up for you, so you gotta go home and watch TV or you wouldn't go out with us. So I started going out with them more and more and that set me on a path to destruction. Not having sex part was very hard, but I was going through my own things and making my own bad decisions. So I don't want you to feel in any way that everything is on your shoulders, because really 90%, 95% of this is on my shoulders and me making bad decisions and me not communicating with you and me holding everything in and deciding that I'm gonna do what I wanna do on my own terms, which was a huge mistake. And so I remember I'm starting to really get into church and I'm really loving church and I'm loving our pastor, the marriage retreats for Gray and all the other stuff we're doing, and then his sermons.

Speaker 2 25:30

We did love our church. We did have so much fun. I also wanna add in and I know you're about to, I'm so sorry to interrupt but we did have so much fun at that church and we met great people and we had great friends and we had great couples around us. The reason that Lyndon started to be able to communicate and I started to be able to communicate better was because of the people surrounding us. So I really don't want it to seem like this was like this horrible 12, this is 12 years of this awful sexless marriage and we hate each other. But Lyndon had expectations of me. I had an expectation of a husband who came home and picked up the kids and changed diapers and takes bath and gave them a bath, and so I'd be able to go upstairs and relax or go with my like. I expected so many. We had so many different fantasies.

Speaker 1 26:25

So many unrealistic expectations.

Speaker 2 26:28

The importance of premarital counseling, by the way, anyways.

Speaker 1 26:32

And I wanna. So, before we finish, I do wanna say, raising our kids during that time, going into Disneyland and all that, I mean I had the best time with my family. I had the best time with. I know you don't like hearing this, but during that time I just felt like we were really good friends and I had a lot of fun. I know, I know, I know I had a lot of fun with you. We laughed a lot, we raised. I mean we had a good time. There was just that one piece missing that I was really having trouble with.

Overcoming Marriage Struggles and Finding Hope

Speaker 2 27:00

Yeah, and that's the reality of the situation. I can't. This is what happens sometimes in marriage is when two couples argue or are trying to discuss something. The dangerous thing that can happen is when a spouse can become defensive. You really have to let that wall down and take that down. I could get really defensive and go no, no, no, no. But don't you remember this? Don't you remember when we did this? Don't you remember? None of that matters, because the fact is that my husband was unhappy at that time and if I look back at myself at that time, I was not happy either. We have to be completely honest with each other, and I feel like being defensive about things just gets in the way of healing and growing.

Speaker 1 27:48

Yeah, it's gonna get very interesting right now and we're gonna end in a couple of minutes, but I wanna tell you this so I'm feeling really good. I'm feeling really good about myself, I'm feeling really good about the church, I'm feeling really good about my wife and even though we weren't quite there yet, it was almost like I decided this is just what it is, because my life is feeling really good right now.

Speaker 2 28:14

We did. You did lose your job.

Speaker 1 28:16

You did lose your house, why you gotta bring up all the stuff.

Speaker 2 28:18

Son of a dang. As soon as you feel good, I knock you down. But I do have to add that it's interesting that we were doing so good at church and we were so happy and you were finally gaining this relationship with God that I had prayed for. I had prayed for that, for you to understand how I felt, and you were finally getting there. You were a leader. It's just interesting because we were. You had finally found the relationship with Jesus that I wanted you to have, that I had prayed for. But it was us being ourselves, being the silly people we are still being able to love our 90s R&B watchers, shows. Be ourself and know that Jesus loves us exactly for who we are, and this isn't meant to be. I don't even know how to do a sermon. This is truly how we felt at the time, and meanwhile, lyndon got laid off. We lost our house. It was 2008. Lost a house, lost every car.

Speaker 1 29:16

Lost our cable box.

Speaker 2 29:17

Lost our oh my gosh. They repowed our cable box. That's when I went into crazy laughter. The cable guy came to my house and asked for the cable box and I just started laughing because I couldn't even cry anymore. We were just losing everything and we had to move into a rental another house that was a rental and but yet we had this close relationship with our church and we had great friends around us. So I knew I like could feel in my gut that something big was gonna happen in our lives. I thought big, maybe we're gonna win the lotto, maybe we're gonna start this great business. I had no idea, but I could feel it because just like we started getting closer as a couple yeah, really close.

Speaker 1 30:00

And meanwhile I'm really good friends with our pastor and him and I are going to the gym together in the morning and working out together and he's showing me how he just acts like a normal person and talks to you know, he talks to people at the gym and I remember guys come up to him and cussing and he just had a conversation with them, Like he met them where they were, and I thought that was a beautiful thing and I loved where my life was headed.

Speaker 2 30:26

And then this is the tough part.

Speaker 1 30:30

Then I get a call and he just says, hey, lyndon, can you meet me at Starbucks tomorrow? And I'm like, yeah, and I didn't think Much of it. It was a little odd to meet him in the evening, but I didn't think much of it. I'm like we're friends now so probably wants to hang out and talk about some troubles that he's having or something like that. And I go to the church, we drive to Starbucks together and we sit at the table and he sits across from me and he says I have to ask you something. And he goes and I don't believe that this is true and I'm sorry that I have to ask you, but I just have to ask you. And he says Are you having an affair? And I said yes, and we will continue this story On episode five, part one, episode five, part two, and get into exactly how all that happened and how we were pretty close to getting divorced divorce, yeah, something that we never said we would do.

Speaker 1 31:43

but so that is episode four. Episode five is coming. We appreciate your patience through the holidays and hanging in with us. We also really want to thank you guys for the five star reviews Not just the stars, but also the comments that you guys have left us. So and if you haven't, please do so we're gonna give you everything we got. We want to you know, use our pain and and help others not go through what we went through, because it was the worst time of my life.

Speaker 2 32:12

Yeah and.

Speaker 2 32:16

I'm just so proud of you because this isn't easy and we, when we were doing this before and doing marriage podcast and periscopes, we always felt that, like that, there was a wall, that there was a block from From truly helping people, because we weren't completely sharing our whole story. And this isn't easy for a linen, although I want everyone to understand. We have healed through this, we are good now. It's just. This is the first time we're actually yeah, telling people, but as far as who we are now, I feel like when we talk about the people we were then, I'm like who was that woman? Yeah, who was that man? Because we're two Completely different people and we want you to know that, whatever trauma you're struggling with, whatever you're going through in your marriage, there is hope. On the other side of that, there is a marriage that, if you work for it, if you fight through it, there is a marriage that you didn't even know that you can have, and we know that everybody's circumstances are different. So that's why this is just our story.

Speaker 1 33:23

Yeah, and I live with. I live with so much shame. For so long and even when we, when we were doing our, our podcast before, as you mentioned, I never said what I did, people assumed but I never actually said the words because I was, I had so much shame you know, and I still do.

Speaker 1 33:39

I still have shame for it, but I can't let shame Run my life. You can't. You can't live in the shadows and I know Without a shadow of a doubt that this is going to help somebody you know. They always say if you know a million people listen and I help one couple, then we're happy and honestly, that's honestly the truth.

Speaker 1 33:56

You're the one couple that we can help. Yeah, I'm happy. Yeah, because our pain has a purpose. Yeah, what? That's why we're doing this. So pain is for a purpose, yes, so thank you guys so much for listening. We will have part five out sometime next week and we love you guys.

Speaker 2 34:12

Love you and see us next week. See us next week.

Speaker 1 34:16

Here's next week. We mixed your marriage, love hard and we are out.

Speaker 2 34:21

Good job, oh my god, oh my god.