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Remix your Marriage Podcast
Sharing our dysfunctional story of relationship, young parenthood and a broken marriage that all started in 1989, to a new incredible marriage. In hopes to help other couples not make the same mistakes.
We will have open and honest conversations about our ups and downs, our bad decisions and how we learned to get through all the Messiness! Marriage is tough but it is also amazing if you do it right!
Hang in there and give us a chance to Remix Your Marriage!
Remix your Marriage Podcast
EP9 - Keeping your circle tight: We brought too many friends and family into our marriage. Its really none of their business
In this episode we talk about how we allowed our circle to be to big. Letting in to many friends and family. We learned quickly the importance of keeping that circle tight with friends and family that you know you can trust.
The ones that were there for us are still in our lives. The ones that used our story to gossip and spread rumors, thankfully are gone!
Pay attention to those who are cheering for you and those who sit quietly.
The 10 Day Challenge that has changed marriages! One of our favorite things to do together with our Remix Your Marriage community!
10 Days of fun things to do together, for each other to Reignite the flames or to add fire to the flames that haven't stopped burning! This challenge is for all couples!
Click here to get the FREE 10 day challenge PDF and get started!
To Join our FREE Giveaway, make sure you are following us on instagram and look for the "Who referred you" photo for instructions! We are pulling for you!
Get added to our RYM private group page on Facebook click here.
Remixyourmarriage@gmail.com
Hello, and we are back we are back.
Speaker 2:It has been a crazy like two weeks. Yes, so much has happened in our life personally.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you for joining us on Remix your Marriage. My name is Lyndon.
Speaker 2:And I'm Vanessa. Do you know what I want to say? What?
Speaker 1:do you want to say?
Speaker 2:It'll make sense later, but I've always wanted to say this. We'll talk more about that on our Patreon. I've always wanted to say that We've missed one yet.
Speaker 1:So that's a good little setup to plant the seed in your brain. The same thing she does to me when she wants something, yeah like the treadmill.
Speaker 2:You know what it's called.
Speaker 1:You don't even know what it's called.
Speaker 2:It's the one you put under your desk so you can walk. Because I got a new job and I'm very excited about it, but I don't want to sit all day long. I need to walk, you need to you put on my steps.
Speaker 1:Alrighty. So today we are going to be talking about family and friends and how dangerous it can be to involve too many of either of those into your marriage.
Speaker 2:Yes, so today we are going to discuss what we do. This is, you know, we talk about our story, the things that we felt we did right, the things that we didn't do right. That you know. Looking back, I wish I would have done things a little bit differently. You know, things regarding my mom and our kids, Friends, Friends. I didn't even think about that.
Speaker 1:That are ex-friends.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I hope, if you are tuning in and this is your first time I need you to stop and we need you to go to the other episodes, because it's going to just make more sense. But if you don't know and you're like, no, vanessa, I'm going to stay here. Episode five we explain about our marriage and what had happened in our marriage the infidelity, the infidelity. I know this sounds crazy, but we're stronger because of what we went through, and one of the hardest parts of going through that was the people around us, because that's what life is Life, you know, you have family that gets involved in your marriage and your business, and all up in your business.
Speaker 1:And that's something that people don't really think about. When you step out and you do something wrong in your marriage, you don't think about the ripple effect and all the other people that it was going to affect. So me making that mistake, I was only thinking about wow, when Vanessa finds out or if Vanessa finds out. I wasn't thinking about your mom and your stepdad and your family and our friends and our church and how many other people. It was a serious ripple effect.
Speaker 2:It was going to affect. Yeah, and with my mom. Me and my mom are very, very close. She is, you know, she wasn't a single mom until I was 13, but it kind of felt like she was single mom. It kind of felt like it was me and her all the time. So we grew up more like best friends sometimes we say sisters and she knew everything about our life. And when that happened she was even going to the same church we were going to. And when that happened, I think I can't imagine having daughters. I can't imagine how I would feel knowing, Also, she loved you. She still loves you. She loved you at one time. She still loves you.
Speaker 1:She hasn't loved me for a while.
Speaker 2:She almost felt. I don't know if this sounds weird, but she felt betrayed by you as well. She felt lied to. Does that sound weird?
Speaker 1:That does not sound weird at all. I mean, it wasn't just a you betrayal, I betrayed the family.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it was so much for her to take. Like I said before in the previous podcast, I could not and I did not want to talk to anyone. I know what it was. It was very, a very odd feeling and I wonder if there's any other women who know what I'm going through felt this way, or men, or men I apologize or men, but I felt I didn't want to talk to anyone because I didn't want anyone to talk down about you. I didn't want anybody telling me what a bleep, bleep, bleep. I can't believe he did this to you, because then I felt this need to defend you, because I didn't hate you. I didn't hate you.
Speaker 2:So during the time, it's not like I plan this out and I'm like, okay, I am not going to speak to my mom.
Speaker 2:Step one, step two I didn't, I just went with how I was feeling at the time, I just told her, I just did not feel like talking, you know, and I think it was the longest I'd ever gone, probably my whole life, without talking to my mom, and I think it was about two weeks, which was really hurting her she had a really hard time with. And then, once I realized, okay, we, I actually need to have a conversation with her. Remember when we traveled for one morning off-stage for ourやych computer, because she's my mom and I love her and I know she's hurting as well what we had decided was you needed to talk to her first and let me tell you, my husband is not scared of anybody. He is. I don't know how to explain what you do for a living, because you say it more professional, but I would say you're a bodyguard and you do all kinds of things to do with security. Well, what do you do for a living? Love, you know.
Speaker 1:I do active shooter response training. I do some security from time to time. You know I wear a few different hats.
Speaker 2:Yes, you do, and I feel my most safe when I'm around my husband. I would like to add that, good, he's a very tough man.
Speaker 1:There are three women, I would say. That caused me a little bit of fear and I would say that's Beck Smith, Wow.
Speaker 2:Just a little bit. This is how we'll find out if she's listening to our podcast.
Speaker 1:I would say Shalene Johnson, and the number one is your mama.
Speaker 2:Wow, those are like, those are pretty big shoes. Powerful women yeah, powerful women. That's not the expression. I'm Ricky Ricardo when it comes to expressions, is it's not big shoes?
Speaker 1:They're big shoes to feel.
Speaker 2:OK, go ahead.
Speaker 1:Those are big shoes to feel. That's a different expression. Yes, ok.
Speaker 2:Anyways, you are scared of my mom and one of the things. I think you talked to my stepdad and he's like you're going to need to apologize to her in person. You need to talk to her and I these are the moments that I start that I really I think these were the first changes I started to see in my husband. So for women men sorry, I'm a woman, so I'm talking to women they get that. If you're asking, how do you fall in love again? How do you see them differently? How do you? You know all those things. These were the baby steps. Knowing he was afraid of my mom, knowing he hated confrontation, knowing all of that. And yet he's like this is, if this is what I have to do to earn your trust back, if this is what I have to earn your mom's trust back, then I'm going to do it. That that was like that step towards just rebuilding was so important. So tell him what happened.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I Heard from your stepfather and yes, you know your mom was mad at me and he's like you just need to come talk to her. And I was like, nah, what else can I do? And he goes, trust me, it's gonna be okay. She said, it's okay, just come talk to her.
Speaker 1:So, reluctantly, I went up to the house and she was in the kitchen and you know, she's only about five foot one, but that day she looked like she's about seven foot two and I was. I was scared and I didn't want to cry because I didn't want to Seem like I was being the victim. So I held it together and all I could do is apologize. I didn't say I did it for this reason. I just said I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I let you down, I'm sorry, I let Vanessa down and I Promise you that this will never, ever, ever happen again. And she looked at me for a little while and I can't remember everything she said because my nerves, you know, had the best of me. But I just remember feeling like it's gonna be a while, but I know at some point she will forgive me and she did and she.
Speaker 2:One thing I love about my mom is she is quick to forgive. She really is. She just needs to hear it. She needs to know that she matters and that her feelings mattered. Yeah, and that was really. It was really important that she, truly, as hard as it was for me to make sure I created boundaries and know, yes, mom, I understand you're hurt and you deserve the respect to For for Lyndon to apologize to. You deserve that because you are, you are his mom and I'm gonna tell you that wasn't easy. It wasn't. I'm making it seem like we had this very, you know, easy conversation and everything went well. No, she was still disappointed and she's still upset. But I needed to be okay with my mom being disappointed at times, being upset because, again, priority Was my marriage and my mom has always told me how proud she is of me and the wife I am and and how much I put my marriage before everything.
Speaker 1:So I remember one of the hardest things was having to tell our son. He was 14 at the time and our pastor strongly recommended that we tell him because he said what if he finds out some other way and from one of the kids in the church and he's gonna hear it the wrong way?
Speaker 2:And this was one of those moments where I had to trust the leader in my life.
Speaker 1:Yes, he's my pastor, he's my therapist as well, and I just trusted his judgment and I'm so thankful I did yeah, and he didn't recommend telling the girls because they were a lot younger, a lot younger, so that was okay, mm-hmm, anyhow. So having that conversation with him, if I didn't feel small enough, having to confess to him what I've done To the family, what I've done to his mother, is something that I will never forget. But, just like you said, it was, it was necessary and, you know, later on we found out how important that was one of the reasons the driving force behind this podcast is.
Speaker 2:So me and you can share our story but also Help people not do the same mistakes we did. Yeah, so if we're getting very transparent right now, before we started this podcast, we both knew it was like a burning desire in our heart. We just needed to do it. Whether Ten people listen to us or millions of people listen to us, I don't know. We just knew we had to do it and but we knew we would need to talk to the girls first and we really only thought of our girls Because we figured our son, he knew about it.
Speaker 2:So it was okay. We had talked to our son first and we're like this is what we want to do. We want to talk about what happened. And immediately our son was like why, why are you doing this? He ended up just sharing a lot with us about how he felt about it then and how he knew he wasn't doing very good in school and how we were, just how we were disappointed by him and his actions. So that happened to fall along the same timeline, even though, as a parent and new parents know, it had nothing to do with our children. But for some crazy reason. I don't know I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not a therapist Kids always find a way to think it is their fault. It is something they did to make their parents upset or mad or do something. So he did Think that I had a lot to do with him and he said he had tried to Make us happy, afterwards created a video for us.
Speaker 1:He made you like a mixtape.
Speaker 2:Maybe, yeah, like because it was near anniversary and I look back and I'm just like Um, your kids end up getting very lost in in the pain and no matter how hard you try to tell them. We both sat all three of them down and said we love the three of you so much. We are fighting for our marriage. We are doing everything we can to rebuild our marriage. We are not going to scream in front of you. We will argue, but we're not going to yell at each other. We're not going to yell at you, guys. You have nothing to do with this. We love you. We told them that, yet he still felt that part of that was his fault. So I think, going back, I would have definitely figured out a way to get him into therapy. Um, I think I would have talked to him more than three months ago. We talked to the girls and I.
Speaker 1:I put that off for a good two months.
Speaker 2:It was terrifying. It was so scary. I was again so afraid that they were going to look at their dad differently. I just was terrified. But I am so tired we're both so tired of holding this as like it's shame, as as if we're the same people or you're the same person, so we sat them down.
Speaker 1:I cried like a baby and told them everything I did and how ashamed I was and they just listened and you know, sophia brought me tissues and they, just when I was done saying what I had to say, they just said, yeah, we know.
Speaker 2:One of the things that Bella said that completely, which is our oldest daughter one of the things that she said that completely threw me off was she said she remembered that night like it was yesterday. Yeah, and now I just have to learn from this. There's nothing I can do. I can't go backwards, but what I can do is if you are going through this right now with your spouse and you think our kids don't know anything they're too young, they have no idea. They may know we're going through something, but they don't they know. Yes, I'm telling you they they don't know. Okay, sorry, let's clarify that.
Speaker 1:Let's say, they know more than you think they know.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:They don't know exactly details. Sorry, go ahead. They may not know the details, but they know more than you think, and the problem with that is they start filling in the details with their imaginations. Exactly that's why it's important that you talk to them and you don't have to tell them everything, but you tell them enough to get rid of that curiosity and get rid of that story making that they're going to do without knowing anything.
Speaker 2:But I wish we would have had like a weekly family dinner where we would have checked in with each other. We would have asked the kids do you guys have any questions? And now it's. I can't tell you how freeing it feels, you know. I mean it's not like something we sit here and joke around or talk about with them, but they're, you know. We wanted to make sure that how they, we wanted to know how they felt about us talking about our story to everyone. Bella was the first one to be like no, you need to talk about this and you need to talk only about this. This needs to be, you need to help couples, and it's just so beautiful how much our kids support us and are behind us and love you. And all the fears I had, all the stuff that I created, none of it happened. None of it.
Speaker 1:There are biggest supporters. Yeah, because without them you wouldn't be hearing us. So, moving on to friends, friends, so Friends.
Speaker 2:How many of them do you know?
Speaker 1:No, no no, darn them. How many of us have them? Let's be friends. Let's be friends. Okay, so I have a small group of friends that I love very much and, like I mentioned in a previous episode, I told no one about this, but one of the names you're going to hear all the time is Ray. That is my best friend, who I tell everything to except for that, but he's someone I know, I can talk to and he's proven to be a really good friend. And another friend of mine. His name is Luis. He lives out in Idaho now and he has proven to be a really good friend. Yes, his only flaw is he went to this school called Hart All right, let's people don't get that hun, let's just go Move on.
Speaker 1:And it's not his fault. He lived over there, so anyhow, I love that he can't fight back. So one time and I'm going to tell this story because it really encapsulates what a good person he is and what a good friend he- is and what kind of friends you need to have around you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so Luis calls me one day and this is after this whole thing has happened. It's been a couple of years since this has happened and Luis and his wonderful wife Shannon they weren't aware of what happened exactly in our marriage, but time had passed and Vanessa and I were doing so much better and he called me out of the blue and was like hey, man, just got to talk to you about something, can we go out to eat? I'm like yeah, no problem, you know, that's my boy. So we end up meeting up. And he was like look, I just want to let you know that I know what's going on and you know I'm coming to you first. You're my friend and I'm not going to tell Vanessa anything. Shannon is not going to talk to Vanessa, so we just want to give you the opportunity to really make things right, you know. And he's like but I know what's happening.
Speaker 1:Fortunately, I was not doing anything wrong at the time. So I kind of laughed and I go what are you talking about? And he's like oh, he's like well, a friend of Shannon's saw you in this restaurant with this other girl and there's a picture of you and her. And I'm thinking okay, so that never happened. But there's a picture. So I was like, okay, can you possibly get a hold of this picture, you know? And he goes, yeah, so he reaches out to Shannon, shannon forson the picture, and he shows me the picture and I was like, dang, that Negro doesn't look. Is that me Like? He looked just like me and I said he said is that me?
Speaker 1:Like and I said you know what, that's not me. And I really appreciate what you're doing here, luis, but I promise you that is not me, I go. I don't know who that girl is. I don't think I've ever been wherever this is and I go and that's not me. And he really zoomed in on it and we kind of really examined it and he was like oh, that's not you and I go, no, and but I could see how people and it was on Facebook. So you know what stuff's on Facebook, that means it's all truth. And if someone says that's London and someone else is good and you know, it got out a little bit but definitely wasn't me. But I cannot tell you how much character that showed me that Louise had and His thought process of having to take me out and tell me I know you're with another woman, mm-hmm and he didn't have to do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah but those are the kind of people with a tuning in your life. He lives a million miles away, but I know if I call him right now and it's midnight and I can say, louise, can you talk for an hour, he's gonna say, yeah, let me go in the living room. Yeah. He's not gonna say, can you call me tomorrow? Yeah. So, and I have that relationship with Ray too, so it's very important to have the right people in your circle, especially if you have to talk about things like this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree, and I think that the mistake that I made is I let too many people into that circle. I think that I had my guard down.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Because it's one of those things that when it happens to you, when, when your spouse is unfaithful, you for some reason I felt everyone knew- yeah.
Speaker 2:So I'm like I'm gonna tell them before they tell me that they heard, yeah, and I just felt like everyone knew. So I I Think I trusted too many people so but I know that I have my best friends in my life that are still in my life, that same thing that I can Call them and text them and say I need to talk to and they're there and they're gonna call you on your stuff too.
Speaker 2:And they call me, all my stuff and they will call me and I don't think I'd be able to get, I would have been able to get through this without Having having being able to call you. Know, the first two people that come to my mind right now are Megan and Soshi. Also Shannon, luisa's wife. I don't know what I would do without these women in my life. You know, they never looked at you differently. They still loved on you that and I thought that was so beautiful. Those are friends. Knowing that they're still in my circle of friends, knowing that, even with Shannon and Louise, just, you know, finding out all these things about us now and it's crazy that you could have friends that love you even more and even knew out newer friends in the last seven years, you know, going to, going to mosaic now, just knowing all this and just hugging and loving in us and being all for the us and so excited and and and surrounding us with love.
Speaker 2:Because I just want to tell you is that's what you need. You need friends who will love you and be there. You don't, no matter what. You don't need the kind of friends that are just going to put your spouse down or say you know what you deserve. Her girls die. You know what you deserve a guy's night. You need to be doing this. You didn't do anything wrong. You know you don't need that. You need friends that'll call you out on your stuff, but we'll do it with love.
Speaker 1:Yes. So, that being said, when you're going through something, be careful the family you choose to tell yeah, and be careful of the friends you choose to tell yeah. And Make sure you have a low maintenance friends friends that you don't you can go a month without talking and they're not going to be angry with you. You pick up where you left off. All that does it takes away the stress. When you have a Low maintenance friends. I haven't talked to him in four weeks and then and then Ray will call me and be like so what's up?
Speaker 1:Yeah it's not dude. Why don't you call me why it is? You know we were not friend. It's just a very cool like. So what's up?
Speaker 2:It's so stressful.
Speaker 1:It is.
Speaker 2:To have that constant yes.
Speaker 1:So keep your circle tight, pay attention to the ones that are cheering for you when you succeed, and also be that friend.
Speaker 2:Because life's busy, we get busy and you know what. True, real friends understand that your spouse is priority, your family is priority.
Speaker 1:Alright, guys, thank you so much. I hope you are enjoying your marriage challenge, because I am assuming that you are doing that marriage challenge and you're having fun and make sure you join our giveaway on Instagram. The directions are in the show notes. Yes, the link will be there, so get on Instagram and get that giveaway.
Speaker 2:Also share the podcast. We want you to just rate it. Don't review it's not. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1:Rate and review.
Speaker 2:Oh, it is rate and review.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's stars, and then there's paragraphs.
Speaker 2:I feel so weird. Okay, rate it and review it Pretty please. It helps us so much. When you do that. It's like the best gift you could give us right now. And then sharing with a friend, that's like the best.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's a lot of best.
Speaker 2:I feel like I had something to say. Oh, I do have something to say. I'm going to put us on the spot because it's going to mean it means we need to talk about it. We need to talk about sex Next podcast. See, he got nervous. He doesn't like when I plan a head like this without his talking.
Speaker 1:You want to talk about sex for now to the people at home or in the crowd?
Speaker 2:They're probably going to.
Speaker 1:They keep coming up anyhow.
Speaker 2:They're going to block you for even saying the song. They couldn't play the song, you guys.
Speaker 1:Well, now that you said it's a song, now they're going to block you. Anyway, you guys, thank you for joining us.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much.
Speaker 1:Remix your marriage. Love hard, we love you and we out.
Speaker 2:Love you, be a good friend.
Speaker 1:Be a great friend.
Speaker 2:Thank you to our friends.
Speaker 1:I love our friends. I love them too. Oh yeah, love you too, friends. Bye, bye.