Remix your Marriage Podcast

EP10 - Sex after infidelity: Getting past the pain and images in my head. Working around headaches, stomach issues & how Scheduling Sex is Sexy!

• Lyndan and Vanessa Coleman

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Seventeen years ago, the fabric of our marriage was torn by an act of infidelity. Through this podcast, we share the intimate and often unspoken journey of rekindling the sexual and emotional connection that was threatened by this betrayal. We reflect candidly on the rollercoaster of emotions, from the false sense of repair in the aftermath of makeup sex to the genuine healing that arises through communication, faith, and laughter.

Navigating the rough waters of a post-infidelity relationship, we peel back the curtain on the delicate dance of trust and vulnerability. Our experience has taught us that the path to recovery isn't always straight, and the complexities of emotional ties to intimacy differ for each partner. By sharing our own narrative, we aim to inspire open dialogue in your relationships, recognizing that it's not about assigning blame but about growing stronger together.

We wrap up with a message that's part pep talk, part practical advice: "Remix Your Marriage" is more than just a catchy phrase; it's a call to action for all couples to share, listen, and laugh as a way of fostering connection and intimacy. Whether it's embracing the seemingly unromantic "scheduling sex" or finding solace in the shared experiences of friends, our discussion is an invitation to breathe new life into your partnership. Join us in discovering how vulnerability can become the catalyst for a reinvigorated, loving bond that thrives in the face of life's greatest challenges.

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Speaker 1:

Oh, no, rocky.

Speaker 2:

Rocky might be in the background.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, oh, he just licked. He doesn't lick me.

Speaker 2:

Oh, because he wants something.

Speaker 1:

It's his bone. Where did your bone go? Where did it go?

Speaker 2:

Let's get this party started. Hello and welcome to Remix your Marriage. I am Lyndon, I am Vanessa and here we are. Here we are, so a bit of a sensitive subject today. Yes, I do want to say this is for those of you who are like me, who listen to murder podcasts on a regular This- is a good way.

Speaker 1:

You don't listen to murder. You listen to crime stories or unsolved mysteries. Oh no, you don't like the ones that are unsolved.

Speaker 2:

Okay, they have to be solved.

Speaker 1:

I do too. I love them.

Speaker 2:

And they always have to be murdered.

Speaker 1:

A really good one right now is three. Yes, that is.

Speaker 2:

So if you do listen to those, a nice marriage podcast is a way to break the monotony of the murder stories. Yes, so always refer back to us.

Speaker 1:

I would like to do a warning for my kids. Do not listen to the. You know what the title? They're not going to listen to it. Yeah, they're not listening to any of them.

Speaker 2:

What am I thinking? And I and I do want to say, like I've said in the previous podcast, that, uh, what we are talking about today is something that happened 17, 18 years ago. We do not take this subject lightly. We do not think it is funny or a joke, but for us to get through this and continue with this podcast, we do have to make somewhat light of it, to have fun. And make some jokes, but it is a very serious subject.

Speaker 1:

Some of these things we're saying for the first time to each other on a podcast. Yes, so we need to protect our marriage and protect us, and I think we started getting on this pattern where we're like every single Tuesday we are recording no matter what, because that's what we did last time, and then sometimes Tuesday is not a good day and I'm not feeling well or he's not feeling well, or sometimes we're a little irritated with each other, or sometimes some of the things we have said we're like Ooh, I need to take that that for a minute, and we just never want to come on here inauthentic, pretending that we're someone we're not. So, first and foremost, our marriage is everything above this podcast and we need to protect that.

Speaker 1:

I wanted to say I'm shouting out all these podcasts but if you know me at all, you know how much I love Chalene Johnson and she is doing something on her Patreon talking about a couple, rachel Hollis and David Hollis and I didn't understand why she was doing it at first, but then I got into the story. It really helped me understand the importance of Lyndon and I protecting each other, checking in on each other, making sure we understand we're not a brand, we're a husband and wife that have worked so hard to be in this place, that we are in our marriage, and I also believe that when we are doing something big and powerful, especially trying to save marriages here, that there is going to be another force that is going to do everything in their power to stop us, and so we just wanted I just felt the need to explain that, because I know that's like a thing. Now Couples are becoming brands and if that is, you just make sure you are putting the both of you first.

Speaker 2:

Thank you for saying that. I think that was great. And what are we talking about today?

Speaker 1:

Well, we are talking about sex after infidelity and, like Lennon said, it's happened 17 years ago and there's going to be parts that are a little fuzzy to me. But I want to help the best I can, and so do you, because this is this was probably the number one thing that I dealt with afterwards, and I remember calling my friend afterwards and just not understanding how this would ever happen again, Like how is this marriage going to work if I don't think I can ever have sex with him again? And the interesting thing that happened with us and I don't know if this has happened in other couples I haven't read it anywhere, but we kind of went a little crazy and I think that was more me.

Speaker 2:

It was definitely it was definitely me.

Speaker 1:

What am I talking about? It was all me because you were giving me my whatever I needed. Linden was giving me, and I think that it's it's important to say that our sex life was not good before. And even though Linden has never blamed me and I have a full understanding that this affair was not my fault Absolutely. I truly understand that. And there was some really miscommunication or not miscommunication, because it wasn't misinformation out there at the time that I was listening to that Basically, if your man is having an affair, it's because you're not giving it to him at home.

Speaker 2:

And all that is such dangerous thinking because, yeah, and I want to say that that's also what I was hearing. So when I was going through my mess, I was getting that feedback. Well, if she's not taking care of you at home, of course you have to go somewhere else.

Speaker 2:

Of course, that is horrible advice and the best advice would have been to actually have a conversation with you, but at that time I didn't feel like you and I could sit down and have a conversation about this. I just felt like this is who she is and that's it, and she's never going to change. So I need to figure out a way to take care of myself and the people I was working with at the time, the people I was hanging around with at the time, were like yeah, of course, like they didn't. They made me feel like I was sane, like that was just normal, okay, and Okay.

Speaker 1:

And then for me, you know, I had no understanding as to why I didn't want to have sex. I didn't think there was importance to it, as crazy as that sounds, I didn't have any education behind it. So, anyways, our sex life was already bad. And then in my head I'm like I'm part of the problem. We weren't having sex. We need to have sex in order to strengthen this marriage. And but how do I have sex with someone?

Speaker 1:

I just cannot stop picturing what had happened, you know, because it is very visual when you're going through it. It is something when you are trying to heal from it. It is something that you think about consistently. So, as women, we're thinkers. We're always trying to analyze everything, we're always trying to figure things out, and so I don't ask this for my worst enemy.

Speaker 1:

It is such a battle. It is such a battle and I'm thankful that Lyndon there was never. I know maybe some of you are thinking well, obviously he shouldn't have, but he never made me feel bad about it. He went at my pace, whatever, gave me space, whatever I needed. I'm thankful for the mentor that I was given, who had been through it, who who was telling me there is this light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to go. You just have to go through the steps, just take your time, there's no rush. I had to completely um, had to communicate a lot with Lyndon, and, and I think I was so worried about it happening again too, and Lyndon had to keep reassuring me. You know, I don't know what are the, what are your thoughts on? I feel like I'm kind of all over the place because I'm trying to take myself back there as to where I was feeling, you know, or what I was feeling.

Speaker 2:

For me, Vanessa. Honestly, I just was going off of your actions and your emotions. I didn't want to. I didn't want to overstep. I didn't want to understep, I just wanted to be there and be the person that you needed, that I hadn't been for so long.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

So when you were having a bad day, then I was having a bad day. When you're having a good day, I was having a better day.

Speaker 1:

But for the most part I just kind of rolled with you, you know, and I think that helped. Well, I think I know that helped me a lot because I never felt the pressure. But then in the back of my mind I'm like, but if I don't have sex with them and this is going to be our life, then he's going to want to have an affair again, and then it's like this constant. But then you communicating with me and us going through therapy, and I think talking it through with each other helped tremendously. So let's go back to that real quick.

Speaker 1:

So in the beginning I felt there was something I needed to prove. I think we were going at it a lot. I think there was a couple of times that there was twice a day or maybe three times, I don't even remember. I just had something to prove. But I do have to say I think it had also something to do with a little bit of makeup sex and I just kind of my mind went blank and you know, if we can all be real now, is there better sex and makeup sex? It's so great, I agree, and that it was great. It was on fire. It was like oh okay, this is what he wanted. This is great, this is. I'll just be this wife, you know. And obviously that's not realistic, because life happens, hormones happen, things happen, and then I think you can only maintain a sprint for so long.

Speaker 2:

Yes, we were sprinting.

Speaker 1:

We were sprinting. It was like I wanted to our marriage to get better immediately and sex is going to heal it. And it we were it was. You know, I think it only lasts like a week, but it felt like when you're going through the process of this it every day feels like a month. You know, and I've said this before, when your spouse has an affair, it very much feels close to a death. The feelings, the process of it. I think it's somewhere too. I think I think clinically it is too like emotionally, it's like going through a death. And so in the beginning, when you do lose someone, it's obviously painful initially but you try to like get back to normal and you try, and for some reason it's when everybody kind of goes away and the whole part that's heightened and the funeral and all that, the meals that are coming, all that starts to kind of go away. That's where the pain really settles and I really feel like that's an affair as well. It seemed to get more difficult before it got better, and then I am, so I I believe that that's what happened to me. So I got to a point where I just started to accept. Where I was at, I had a husband who was being supportive, who was being patient.

Speaker 1:

It wasn't overnight, it didn't even take a year. It took a while for me to understand, actually for me to understand the importance of sex. But I'll tell you, what made the biggest difference in me is when Lyndon started to change. When I started to see this difference in him, the way that he cared for me, the way that he sought the therapy, the way he communicated. I no longer saw that man that had the affair. So if I no longer was seeing that man that had the affair, it was easier for us to have sex because he was becoming a new man and I'm sure I was becoming a different woman as well. So we always say we have this new marriage. We were married for 12 years. We don't know what that was, but our second marriage to the same people, to each other, is new and improved.

Speaker 2:

What was it? Because you're saying that? You're saying that there was, there was something that you started realizing how important sex was, and what was the turning point that really made you realize that?

Speaker 1:

I can't remember like a significant turning point. There wasn't just one day. I looked at you and I'm like, oh, you're a different man. I think it was just a daily, just for okay.

Speaker 1:

First of all, every single day and this is what got me through it every single day I would get up and I would give it to God. Every single thing I was thinking, all the disgusting stuff that's in your brain, everything that was in my head, the things I felt about you, I would give it to God. I'm like God, take this away from me, take you know. Your word says you'll heal me. Your word says give you all of my burdens. And that's what I was doing. I was giving it to God, and I truly believe that that's where the healing process started. So I'm going to start there, because that was my foundation. That was everything to me.

Speaker 1:

And then I think that, slowly, just seeing this beautiful change in you, seeing you getting closer to God, after you had, you know, confessed all this and let this go, I think a part of you had finally, like it had been released from you, and it was something that you were carrying for, you know, two years, yeah, and I saw this light in you and it was a different. You were a different husband. You were obviously still Lyndon, but all the things you know was a different. You were a different husband. You were obviously still Lyndon, but all the things you know that I loved about you. But you got these new characteristics and you became this new person that you know turned me on.

Speaker 2:

So we were just talking about um murder podcast and you had said, said it's funny how the person who who's done the murder a lot of times can't take it anymore and they just have to go back to the police and be like, okay, I did it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and it's not because they're this, these honest, great people, it's because it weighs on you mentally and it destroys you, and that's what was happening to me. It was weighing on mentally and it destroys you, and that's what was happening to me. It was weighing on me and it was. It was destroying me on the inside, but I'm like I cannot tell because of my marriage is over. So when it finally came to the surface and I was able to tell you, like all of that weight was off of me and a new weight of us healing was on us, but it was something we were doing together and that's what made it worth it for me to tell you. So, saying that there was a time when we were in therapy and you said that you had an idea or you had a feeling that something was going on, that something was going on. What would you say to to a husband or a wife right now that feels like something may be going on with their spouse.

Speaker 1:

Well, I would definitely say to women that your intuition is real. It is something that it is in the book that I believe changed our marriage. If only he knew. If only he knew that a woman's intuition is real. My mom has always told me it's the Holy Spirit and if you truly feel you're having just a gut feeling, the first thing you do is communicate with your spouse and just say I love you. You have to have that open communication because it is depends on where your marriage is, because I know. But what I'm saying is is that spouse has to be okay, let's go back and I actually did, Cause I saw a couple texts before and I did question him about it. But what if I were to have said back then I don't know why I'm just having this funny feeling, something's going on with you. I never did that. I never did that and I think someone had told me that maybe I didn't want to know.

Speaker 1:

I believe that yeah, no matter what you got to communicate, you have to ask and your spouse has to be sensitive to that and open to it. And also, if your spouse is not doing anything, if you're on the side, what? If you're on the side of? I can't believe she thinks that I would do this.

Speaker 2:

That story that I told on a previous podcast, where Louise took me out and we have a picture of you with this other girl and it turned out that it wasn't me. I didn't take it seriously because I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong. So if you are on the receiving end of your spouse accusing you, of course take it seriously because there's something behind that, but at the same time, be open because you know you're not doing anything wrong. So be open and listen to what they're saying and why they feel that way, and start a conversation.

Speaker 1:

If Lyndon were to question me about something, I would have to look at myself and go okay, what am I doing for my husband to not have trust in me, to have this feeling like what is going on? What am I doing? And I would ask him okay, what is it exactly that is bothering you?

Speaker 2:

And that's where we would start the conversation. I hope that like makes sense. Yeah, yeah, okay, no-transcript, vanessa, but I feel like you're acting this way around this person, so we have we need to talk about this.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Yeah, that's a whole other podcast too. All right, back to sex. Uh, so the way that um, I, I believe I mean just seeing such a change in you and I felt a change in myself. I felt more confident in who I was. I really started to understand through books, through talking to my mentor, what sex is for men. That really helped me. Well, men do not. I don't know if so many people are probably in disagree with me, but I don't care.

Speaker 2:

Let's shake some feathers, some feathers.

Speaker 1:

Sex is very emotional. For women, like, it's just so emotional, it's something that that it's well, I don't know I'm getting out there. Do we actually need it now, like a man? But anyways, that's a whole other conversation. And for men it's very physical, it's something they physically need and if you don understand the science behind it and I'm going to have to tell you I did whatever I could that helped me cope through this and get through the fact that my husband had had an affair and that really did help me I had an understanding that there was no love there, and I know that there are other the other marriage, other couples who have gone through something different, where you know their spouse has left them for someone else and and that truly is, on another level, completely heartbreaking, and I don't understand what that's like, because Lennon never wanted to leave me, there was never any love there, and I know it sounds crazy, but that that also helped.

Speaker 1:

I knew when we had sex that it was truly love and that and it felt like love oh my gosh, every time, um, but it felt and it felt like love, oh my gosh, every time. But it felt, it felt like love. It didn't feel dirty anymore. And yeah, I I believe that it was something positive again that came out of this horrible, horrible event in our lives is that I started to truly have an understanding of how beautiful sex was. Before I didn't. I just thought, oh, why does he want it all the time? Or why does he need it all the time? It was always about Lyndon, you know, and and now it was about me and I needed that time with my husband and I needed that part of him and we needed that time together and it was beautiful when it all. But if I could give you a timeframe on it, I don't know. I just trusted the process and I trusted God would get us through it.

Speaker 2:

So, as time has gone on and we've built this, this new marriage, over the last 17, 18 years, the sex component is still difficult, but for different reasons now because of our time and schedules and health issues there's always something. So what do we do when that happens?

Speaker 1:

You know I have to say I still battle with it. You know, it's not like we're coming to like we're this perfect married couple, because we are not. I still get so worried when we're not having sex, and it's not because we don't want to, it's because we have certain times of the month that we can. And then there's just, it's just we. We are both so busy, right, but we understand that we need to be priority. I got a new job, that's, that's a lot, but I love it. We both, you know, love what we do. However, it is so easy to not have sex. How horrible is that. It is so easy to just fall asleep and go oh, I'm so tired tomorrow. And and so I get this sick feeling in my gut oh my gosh, he's thinking I don't want to have sex. He's so that I always revert back to it. It makes me crazy. And Lennon is so.

Speaker 2:

I think what happens is we just gotten to the routine of going to bed and if you initiated or I initiated, sometimes it would happen and sometimes it didn't. And what we realized is that we can't do that because we'll fall asleep. We watch the office.

Speaker 1:

I think what happened and you and I think you know the fair had a lot to do with this too in the past, not like recently. We're not dealing with any of that now, but it was difficult for you because you were waiting for me to always initiate it, and a girl gets tired of initiating, you know, and so I think can I say why? Yes, go ahead.

Speaker 2:

So the reason is because a lot of times you have stomach issues and I don't want to be. I don't want to be insensitive and be like. I know that you told me you have a stomach ache and you're not feeling good and you're like hunched over. But is there any way that we could? So I thought it was better. I know.

Speaker 1:

And we've changed, and we've changed a lot. Now I believe our sex life is a lot better. I love that we're at a place where the both of us always want to. Yeah, we do, and even if I'm tired and say like I'm not feeling that great or have a headache is not a good excuse, because I have had plenty of sex with headaches. This is not. It actually makes your feel better. But I love that we're at that place where we really do want to have sex and I think that's what changed it's.

Speaker 1:

I know that there's couples out there that brag about having sex every single day and God bless you guys. That's great. Maybe that'll be us in the future when we, you know, are traveling the world. Right now it's not very it's, it's not very possible, but I love that my husband still desires me and that I still desire him, and I believe that has a lot to do with the way we communicate with each other, the way we talk about things. We talk about everything that's on. You know that we're thinking, even when it comes to sex. I will ask him after specifically things if it's bothering me, and that really leads to like completely we're like naked in front of each other, not just, you know, physically, physically, yeah, metaphorically, and I think that helps. But I will say, I will give you guys a tip Scheduling is not unromantic. People do not like scheduling, and I think scheduling is incredibly important, yeah. So what's the?

Speaker 2:

example of scheduling Okay For us.

Speaker 1:

We know, okay, I have a calendar, people All right. And we us, we know, okay, I have a calendar, people All right. And we know what does that mean? You have a calendar, I have a calendar. It's an app and it kind of says when I'm elevated, when I'm not, it's all kinds. If you want to know, you can DM me and I will tell you more about it. That's so the calendar helps me because I'm like, oh okay, this is a good time, this is a big time, these are times. And then I know if he's at work, I'm like all right, tonight's the night, tonight, tomorrow, blah, blah, blah. That's what we do. And it's actually kind of exciting because then we have the whole day.

Speaker 2:

We're like, ooh, we're going to do this and it's great because when it is scheduled, you know we like to send our flirty texts throughout the day. Even sometimes when we're right next to each other, we'll send some.

Speaker 1:

Linda does not send flirty texts. He sends X-rated texts no, not of like himself or anything. But he is very, very creative with his GIFs.

Speaker 2:

You might say I have a GIF.

Speaker 1:

Or GIFs. Some people call it GIFs. That is what he. He just knows. It makes me laugh. It honestly makes me laugh. It does not turn me on, but I like that part of it. This may not work for, you know, some people. This really works for us because, also, if we go back to you know him feeling that I never wanted to have sex with him, you know, and he never felt wanted by me. Now, when we schedule it and I'm the one who's doing the scheduling, I know that you feel like I'm desiring you and I'm excited to see you and I want to be with you. He's trying not to smile, but I think that helps. Right, that's the part of the scheduling. Yeah, it's a big help. Scheduling is sexy.

Speaker 2:

Yes. And then the last thing in closing we're going to start wrapping it up. Yeah, I do want to say again the importance of the people you hang out with. So we went to Vegas a couple of weekends ago and we went with some of our old school friends that I've known from high school school, and that's Ray Danny Lou Jay, danny Lou Jay.

Speaker 2:

You're gonna shout him out like that yeah, why not? Those are, those are my boys. But the good thing is like we've known each other for so long and we've gone through a lot of this mess together, from teenage to 20s to 30s. So it's good that I can be around those guys and they can. Like you know, we always, always clown each other and it's what we do, but it's good that not only can we clown each other, but we can also be real with each other and talk to each other about our marriages and what's going on. So again, it's important to do your best to find people that fill you and find people that are heading in the same direction that you want to go.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love that. No, I really do. I love that we're at a place right now because I want that couple out there who's listening that maybe is going through it to, we're laughing. Now. We have a new joy. We respect each other. We have, I have to say, too, that doing this podcast has helped me. I have felt, like you were talking earlier about you know, having that secret that you were holding onto. I, you know, had things that I was dealing with as well, that we had talked about in previous episodes and, and just, I've always felt that this was something that we were hiding, and now that it's out and people know when, and, and that we know that it could help another couple, yeah, it, it.

Speaker 2:

I felt like it brought out a new side of me you know, and and like getting the message from someone that we know who is dating someone they're not married yet and just knowing that this podcast has helped her as well, like that's, that's the reason we do it. You know we're we're we're kind of laying our life out there for everyone. We're, we're very exposed, but you know we'll take the ridicule if we can, if we can help people.

Speaker 1:

Yeah and um, yes. Again, I'm going to say scheduling is sexy Scheduling. And also, if you have any like specific questions regarding getting through infidelity, regarding, you know, starting a new marriage, or you know what Lennon was talking about, if you have any kind of feeling or anything going on and you just you'd like us to talk about it, or whatever that is, please make sure to email or you could DM us, follow us on Instagram and let us know, cause we want we want to be as much help as we can and if there's something specific we'd love to be able to talk about that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, remix your marriage at gmailcom. And then about that yeah, remix your marriage at gmailcom.

Speaker 1:

And then we are on instagram at remix your marriage pod pod. That's right, I always heard the pot.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, don't forget the pot. Um me all right, that was a lot of sex talk, yeah, and since we're home alone for the first time in 17, my goodness we are home alone we gotta go. All right, guys, remix your marriage. Wait, I thought you were just gonna leave it there. We gotta go.

Speaker 1:

Alright, guys, remix your marriage wait, I thought you were just gonna leave it there love hard.

Speaker 2:

You're a freak love. You cannot say that I have to say love hard and we out alright. So go grab this love.

Speaker 1:

please don't that's dirty.

Speaker 2:

I was just going to say grab the doorknob and shut the door. That sounds even worse. Shut the door.