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Remix your Marriage Podcast
Sharing our dysfunctional story of relationship, young parenthood and a broken marriage that all started in 1989, to a new incredible marriage. In hopes to help other couples not make the same mistakes.
We will have open and honest conversations about our ups and downs, our bad decisions and how we learned to get through all the Messiness! Marriage is tough but it is also amazing if you do it right!
Hang in there and give us a chance to Remix Your Marriage!
Remix your Marriage Podcast
EP11- Rebuilding our Marriage felt undoable: Loving, L.A., Lemon tree and Lil tiny shorts, its been a journey!
Rebuilding trust after infidelity is tough, but it's one we faced head-on. Join us as we recount our personal experiences and share the powerful lessons we've learned along the way. You'll gain insights into the role of obedience in healing and the nuances of dealing with triggers and setbacks, which are a part of the process!
Effective communication and mutual accountability are pillars in any marriage, but how do you achieve them? We share how holding in feelings can escalate conflicts, while smaller, honest conversations can prevent major blowouts. Our journey has involved overcoming deep-seated issues like seeking external validation and managing control dynamics. By focusing on self-improvement and owning our responsibilities, we’ve found that intentional time together, balanced with personal space, is crucial. Listen to our candid stories of what worked—and what didn’t—as we navigated the rocky path to a more resilient relationship.
Ever wondered how self-love can transform your marriage? We delve into the emotional journey of overcoming past behaviors and the continuous effort required to rebuild a stronger bond. Through personal stories—like the infamous pair of short. Join us in this heartfelt conversation, where we offer wisdom and practical advice to help you foster a stronger, more confident marriage.
Please follow us on Instagram and Facebook for more stories and advice.
Also, PLEASE leave us a 5 star rating and a review! We'd appreciate it!
Remixyourmarriage@gmail.com
all right we're back.
Speaker 2:You don't like to say we're back. Huh, it's a new season it could be a new season yes, no, this is a new season, that it could be a new season we did 10 episodes. Yes, so we'll call that season one season one and we are moving on to season two yeah, thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1:Yes, what is this podcast called?
Speaker 2:uh, remix your marriage. I actually forgot for a second has it been that long?
Speaker 1:yes, it has so welcome to remix your marriage. My name is linden and I'm with my lovely wife vanessa and we have some things to talk about today.
Speaker 2:Yes, we do.
Speaker 1:So if you saw the title, this is about rebuilding. If you've listened to those first 10 episodes, then you know what's going on. If you haven't, we strongly recommend going back and listening to those episodes.
Speaker 2:Please do. It really does make a difference to go back and listen so you can know our story. We did notice that Lennon's story didn't get as many listens as my story did. Not that I'm competitive or anything, but yes, you need to listen to Lennon.
Speaker 1:He's so sad. It's just like my childhood Nobody cared.
Speaker 2:That's so sad. It's okay.
Speaker 2:So, yes, if you can go back, it would help. So yesterday's message at church we go to an incredible church called Mosaic in Hollywood. Shout out, Change our lives and our kids' lives. And Pastor Mariah McManus said it really, I mean the whole entire message. If you guys can just YouTube subscribe, go to it's just every Sunday is a great message. But she had said God's power is revealed through your story. And, man, that's how we feel with our story, that the only way we are here right now speaking to you and looking at each other and actually loving each other is because of God's power in our life and through our story. So that's what we want to share and continue sharing, and and obedience.
Speaker 2:And obedience, sorry.
Speaker 2:That's the most important part and that really spoke to me because my life started changing the more obedient I began became, my heart a lot bit with our story is when we went through the infidelity in our marriage and coming out of it.
Speaker 2:And as we tell our story, we talk about therapy, we talk about walking through it, we talk about how amazing our marriage is on the other side and how great it is now. And I think that I've seen certain couples and podcasts and listening and not judging anyone, because everyone has their own healing journey and I totally understand that but I do think that there's a very kind of crucial time it's almost a very sensitive time in that healing journey where you feel like, okay, we're better, I'm feeling better, I'm starting to be able to go through this, I can put my head a little bit above the water, I'm not as in much pain, I'm getting back. And you almost try to hurry the process because you're like just let me get through this, just can our marriage just be back to where it was? Heck, no, we don't want it to be back to where it was, because obviously there were a lot of things going on.
Speaker 1:Well, if it went back to where it was, then we would end up with the same ending.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and there were so many things going on that this was the major, this was the shock that we kind of needed, not to say that you would ever do this again or that it was ever something that was intentional. For this reason, however, god can always use. You know your pain. Pain For a purpose.
Speaker 2:Yay, another message that inspired this podcast. And I I just remember those times thinking, okay, we're better, we could like coach people, we can teach people, we can do all the things. We have this amazing marriage. And then I would get a trigger. I don't know, it would be the simplest things, it would be maybe a look you gave me or maybe something you say and it triggered and all of a sudden everything would go back to the pain of that day of finding out. And then I was like, am I ever going to get through this? And again, it's almost like okay, that was just a little trigger, did not happen yesterday, still happened a couple of years ago. And I, it's almost like okay, that was just a little trigger, did not happen yesterday, still happened a couple of years ago. And I would trust the process, I would talk to you about it. I would never hide it and just say you're not doing anything wrong, I'm just feeling. I'm feeling it today. I'm having a little bit of a hard time today, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and and then. Same for me. I'd have my moments where I'm thinking like this is taking too long, is it worth it? Do I want to go through all these attempts on rebuilding and then we end up in the same place. So whenever you were having your moments, I would have my moments thinking this just isn't going to work. So we had to just trust the process and stay on everything that we were learning through our therapy, you know, through our pastor, to get to the point where we are now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we had to understand that, that it was okay to have that, the moments that I would feel triggered. It didn't mean that we I was starting way back from the beginning because there was so much growth in us I was I knew I was starting way back from the beginning because there was so much growth in us I was I knew I was aware of it. So I would bring it up to you. You had already gotten through your part of where you were able to communicate with me better. So it's just we would talk it out. It was just kind of like it was a little bit of a stumble, like a little tiny step back, and then we would move forward.
Speaker 2:And I think that's really important to recognize. It is so, so crucial for and I really hope wives can listen to me right now is whatever you are feeling, whatever hurt you are feeling, if this is due to infidelity or if it's due to another past trauma, whatever it is, whatever trauma you've been through and you are feeling a little, you know, maybe hurt by your husband he hasn't even done anything that day, but maybe it's something. Make time to have that conversation, talk to each other, talk about it, talk it out and get it out of your. My mom always says you got to get it all out or you're going to pop. She actually says pack, you're going to pack. Wow, I turned that. That's not her accent at all. It's a very Latina accent.
Speaker 2:I don't know where that came from, but you always have to, or you are going to explode and it's going to come out somewhere or another, and you just want to be able to communicate that. Did that make sense? I felt like that was a lot of words.
Speaker 1:It made sense, okay, on the flip side. So for me, I had to really figure out how to work with you getting on my nerves. So it's like normal for couples to get on each other's nerves right, like it's, you know, for my couples out there who say, oh, we never, ever fight. Somebody needs to speak up a little more, because there's some fight in you and it's important and it's healthy.
Speaker 2:It's not necessarily fighting. I think sometimes people think fighting is screaming and yelling at each other.
Speaker 1:Yo Drake, they're not dumb, All right. I think they know what I mean, though, when I'm saying fighting like arguing, bickering a little bit, like it's important for that to happen.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:In my opinion and in my experience, if you say that you never, ever fight or never bicker or something, then I feel like somebody's not being honest. I've said that many times before, many times, so anyhow. So for me, I had to. Really, I like to hold stuff in. I don't want to talk about it when you are irritating me for whatever reason. I'm like if I bring this up to her, because I know my wife so well, if I bring this up to you, you're going to immediately knee jerk reaction, be defensive, then we're going to have an argument and then it's going to spoil our day, whatever we're doing. So I've learned from the past if I just hold it in, you know, 30, 40, an hour, I get over it and we can continue enjoying our day. But what that does is that causes it festers and festers and it builds up. So after everything that happened, I really had to learn like, okay, here we go, I have to let her know how I feel about this, and that's what would happen.
Speaker 1:You would get very defensive at first, we would go back and forth for a little while and then you would think about it and say, okay, this is how I felt about what you did and what you said, and you were right about this part of what I did and we had to come to that agreement, which still to this day, I still dread having to do that, but that's where the growth is. So we don't have. It's been a long time since we've had a big blowout argument where you want to hop in the car and roll out Like that's been forever. And I think it's because of these little arguments that we allow along the way that we don't have that explosion Because, like you said, it will come out in some way at some time.
Speaker 1:It's constantly being held in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think in the rebuilding it can be one of the most difficult, painful, yet rewarding times. But I want to just warn people in the rebuilding it can also feel like nothing's happening, nothing's changing, because it's not something overnight and it's something where you have to trust the process. Stay in a community of couples that love you and believe in you and are for you. Stay surrounded by the right people, because that was what was interesting is is we were advised well, we were advised to get off social media. So we were completely off of social media. At the time it was Facebook was the big thing. Actually, off of social media. At the time it was, facebook was the big thing. Actually, my space isn't that crazy. That's how long ago it was. Gosh, it was. It was my space, yeah, and we were. And then we were also advised to do everything together, to do a lot of things together, and do you know how hard that is when you don't like each other? And I think that in the beginning it was you know more of Lyndon just wanting to make me happy as more you trying to just okay, whatever she needs. I just want her to forgive me. I just want to get through this in the beginning and then me. It was like he's going to do whatever I ask he's going to. I have control here.
Speaker 2:There were a lot of things that I was going through and I think I had mentioned that in a couple of podcasts before to where I always felt the need to get attention from men. I've always had daddy issues, you know, and if you listen to the podcast before you'll know why, but I had a lot of daddy issues, so I always felt this need to get acceptance from men, to make sure men were always looking at me. It was so weird because I haven't struggled with that in so many years. It feels so foreign to talk about which feels good, like I'm on the other end of that. So I would go to the gym, make sure I looked good, make sure some guy was looking at me, checking me out, and like in my brain I'm like I can do whatever I want, because you know, this is the world says I am the innocent person here.
Speaker 2:I can do whatever I want. You're the victim. I am the victim. I can divorce him, I can. He has no right to say anything, which is a lie, and that's why the importance of strong wives that were around me, a strong church that would tell me what the truth is. If I want my marriage to heal, I'm going to focus on the things that I can work on that I have control over. I have control over being a better communicator, listening to him, loving on him, not talking about the past and every single thing, and we're never going to move forward. So back to. We had to be together all the time.
Speaker 2:And that was tough.
Speaker 1:That was tough.
Speaker 2:That was hard because we didn't like each other. Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's weird to love somebody but not like them, so it's a very weird dynamic. But, that being said, we still had to have our alone time, so we were together all the time, but then we might go to the gym together and then split up and have our alone time. So it's very important that you do have time for yourself and not be all up in each other's business.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think I could have done that better. And I think that's the reason I have this podcast is because I want to tell women to focus on what you can do to improve you. To focus on what you can do to improve you. That, just like our pastor said, yes, maybe Lyndon's action, your actions were. What did he say? 95 point something or percent of it. But then I have to own the small percent.
Speaker 1:I don't do numbers very well. What the pastor said in our very first session was that this situation was 95% my fault and 5% your fault, which of course you didn't like and which I didn't understand at the time, but that was his way of saying. Of course I take the bulk of the blame, but you're not completely off the hook for the way you're. Our marriage was going, not for what I did. You're not to blame for what I did, but you have a small percentage in what you weren't doing.
Speaker 2:I believe that really owning that 5%, I wish I would have owned it sooner and I feel like we prolonged a lot of healing in our marriage because then Lennon had to deal with my crap and my daddy issues and all the stuff that I was going through, and then in turn I end up hurting him because you know he can tell that I'm wanting to get attention from men. He could tell that I'm, you know, having all these I'm putting quotes, crushes and and and the reason I thought it was okay to have like a gym crush or whoever whatever crush it was, is because I was surrounding myself by women that were like, oh yeah, this is normal, this is a good thing, you're fine, this is healthy, you're a woman, so it just. It just makes you feel better about your sin and better about what you're doing. And then what is that doing? That is prolonging my healing in myself but also in my marriage, and that irritates me till this day. But that's why I share it with everyone else, because don't prolong it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think back to you, know you doing all those things and I'm just letting stuff slide. I, I, I did this to her, so I'm gonna let that slide. This is my fault, I'm gonna let that slide. And I remember talking to a friend of mine and I'm just like upset and I'm irritated and I just said, man, like these are the things that she's doing. And he goes yeah, how long are you going to let her torture you for this? How long are you going to let her get away with this? And that hit me because I actually started to see like I'm finally making changes in my life and who I am. And, understandably, you were taking advantage of that and I didn't have the balls to say, you know, stop. Like this isn't good, this isn't right, I'm not comfortable with this. Because I was so afraid that you're going to say, yeah, but you did this and that's no way to have a relationship. No, so I had to, you know, man up and say, hey, you need to stop.
Speaker 1:You need to stop wearing those shorts that.
Speaker 2:I found this may be controversial, these shorts that I found. What are you?
Speaker 1:talking about what shorts See? You said that last time. I said this on an episode before you just had these itty bitty, tiny shorts.
Speaker 2:I did not wear shorts to work out Okay.
Speaker 1:So maybe they were bikini bottoms. They were like tiny, tiny shorts I don't know what you're talking about and they were very, very revealing.
Speaker 2:And I just said hey, can you like maybe tie a sweater around your waist? That was the thing I feel bad about. He didn't. He didn't feel. He was almost nervous to tell me anything. He was nervous to tell me what was bothering him, because how could he? You know how he didn't feel he had the right, and that's what I'm talking about. That was I wish, that was, you know, and that was a couple of years of me acting that way. So I'm really glad that we can be so open, honest with each other right now, because I think that people, when we talk about rebuilding our marriage, we talk about, like, this moment of rebuilding and how great it was, and now we have this new marriage.
Speaker 2:No it was it? Yes, I, I rebelled. I would say I rebelled and I am that's. I went back to being a teenager. When I was a teenager, I rebelled and that's what I did. I rebelled.
Speaker 2:I think there was a big part of me that wanted to hurt him, but then there was this other part of me that loved him so much and felt so when he was in pain. I was hurting for him. It was a very confusing time, you know, but I think that I had to get to the core of why I was doing this and why I felt I needed attention and why I felt I needed approval from men. And that was, you know, that was a lot of come to Jesus moment, face before God and just spending time with him, talking with friends, talking it out, talking it out with him, and that was a long process for me to overcome and I finally have to moment that my only true, you know, the only person that I truly want to impress is actually.
Speaker 2:I'm going to be honest. I want to be. I know this is going to sound so cheesy, but I have learned to truly love myself, love myself for who I am, and as long as I love myself, then I am. I can love you so much more. You know, and it has nothing to do with attention outside of this or anything, it's just something I've overcome. But yeah, it took some time.
Speaker 1:It took some time and I hope you didn't love those shorts because I have to go back. I don't remember those shorts.
Speaker 2:And what's funny is you love those shorts, but you love those shorts only here.
Speaker 1:Around the house. Also, now you're starting to remember the shorts. No, I have no idea what color were they. They were black and they weren't even like. They were like very thin legging material, so it wasn't like regular shorts. Anyhow, I had asked you so many times please don't wear those, please don't wear those. And you kind of rolled your eyes and was like you know, basically I'm doing what I do?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because the women I hung out with were like he cannot tell you what to wear. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So one day I was doing some laundry and I was like, oh, these shorts are here. And then I was like you know God, would I be wrong to get rid of these shorts? And you know God was like, yeah, like those are hers.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:And I said well, god, for the first time.
Speaker 2:You're having this conversation with God in the laundry room. Is that my shorts?
Speaker 1:Yes, and I had to tell God for the first time that he wasn't correct, I have never heard this story. I wrestled with those shorts.
Speaker 2:You don't what the yes Love. I promise you I have no idea what you're talking about, Because I did not like wearing shorts to the gym, you have no idea.
Speaker 1:I remember blue ones. Blue ones. You have no idea what I'm talking about, because they were that small that they can't even take up space in your brain Anyhow. So I just said I'm going to do it and I threw them away.
Speaker 2:And you never asked about them, you never noticed, and I was happier after that I obviously didn't miss them too much because I don't remember them at all, so it didn't even matter. Yeah, which I would say do not throw your wife's clothes away. That is ridiculous.
Speaker 1:Unless she's walking around naked. Oh, but then she won't have clothes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because those shorts were like. We've never discussed these shorts. I almost feel like you're making these shorts up for the podcast.
Speaker 1:You know, for my sanity, I wish I was, but I went through some stuff with those dang shorts.
Speaker 2:Anyways, let's go back. So my point is is that rebuilding is not going to be easy, it's not going to be pretty, it's going to be tough, and when I hurt you for the way I was acting and you, he was truly, you were truly hurt. That hurt me. So I'm like what am I doing? Why am I reverting back to this teenager that I used to be? You know where I used to. I used to break up with with you every spring break and every summer, and I think that that was fair. As a 15 and 16 year old, I didn't want to cheat on you. By the way, I did not ever sleep around. You know, fun fact, lyndon is the only person I've ever been with in my life, and that is a fun fact. I just wanted to be able to you know you wanted to be free.
Speaker 1:I wanted to be free. But when? When you're at that age, you don't realize we didn't know we were going to be married. We didn't know we were to be together.
Speaker 2:Well, it doesn't matter, we still should have dated that. Well, no, if're so young hon.
Speaker 1:But if we knew, I don't know, I don't agree. I think if we knew we were for sure.
Speaker 2:He acts all innocent. In high school he used to nevermind Okay, no, I had some game, but I brought all of that Like I didn't realize I still carried those characteristics, I still carried that daddy issue girl into the marriage. I never healed from that and so my reaction off of your infidelity was to rebel and to go back to that girl. And so, by us rebuilding, I had to face that girl. And why is she? Why am I still dealing with this? What is it that? Why do I need attention this way and maybe a podcast for another time? What I really learned about myself and but healing and overcoming that was incredible. So my point in saying was you'll be surprised at the person you become individually and then when you bring that person into a marriage, the person that truly loves themselves into a marriage man, your marriage is so much better, you're so much confident in who you are. You know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we worked on it. We still work on it. It's very interesting when people come up to us and they say, yeah, you know, you guys have this perfect marriage. And it's funny because we are far from perfect. Our marriage is far from perfect. It is constant, constant work.
Speaker 2:It's the Instagram and Facebook thing, like we post pictures and stuff. That's why I try not to do that as much anymore.
Speaker 1:No, I want to fool everybody, so keep posting, but you follow, you follow the process. So we live out, you know, in the desert, and I was told that I could not grow a lemon tree.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, His obsession with this lemon tree. Is it growing? Listen?
Speaker 1:So I was told I couldn't grow this lemon tree. So I bought it at Lowe's and I said why are they selling lemon trees if you can't grow them out here? So I Googled, I did all the stuff and everything said you can't grow a lemon tree in the desert. I planted this lemon tree and I watered it every single day and I never saw a difference. But I kept doing it and I kept doing it and kept doing it.
Speaker 1:And everyone says everything that I've looked up says this lemon tree is going to die. And after a couple months a little tiny lemon sprouted. A little tiny lemon sprouted and I've been watering it and watering it since then and now I have it's been probably six months and now I have two little green lemons that are probably the size of a silver dollar, little green lemons that are probably the size of a silver dollar. Wow, and that came from me following the process, not seeing the results, but knowing that if I follow the process it's going to work. And that's how it has to be in your marriage. You do these little things, husbands, we do these things and we're like why is my wife not getting it?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Why is she still getting mad at me about stupid things, things that I think are stupid? Why, why, why? Nothing is working. But if you follow the process and you guys talk it out, eventually, as time goes on, you're going to see that change. Yeah, it's not instant, it takes time, yeah. So stay on the path and follow that process.
Speaker 2:I feel so bad because we got in an argument about this lemon tree, because I was so annoyed that he spent money on something that someone told him he can't grow. And I'm like, why couldn't you get like an olive tree or get like a tree that grows in the desert? I don't even know if olive trees grow in the desert. They do, oh, they do. But I didn't understand it. And right now can I just have one podcast where I don't get emotional Us being, you know, high school sweethearts, and the world is completely.
Speaker 2:Statistics are against you, the world is against you. Everyone. No one, no one thought we would make it, you know. And we are like that lemon tree. You know, we did, we worked hard, we. We obviously had huge setbacks I had a huge setback and but now we're looking at each other and we're here and there's nobody in my world that that I want to spend the rest of my life with that. I'm so excited about our future. We are, we literally get excited about the future and now, looking at each other, I just can't believe we've come this far. It's hard to stare at you because I don't want to cry. You can cry, I know. It's just a beautiful thing because we were that lemon tree. That was like defeating, defying all odds. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I'll you know, I'm going to take a picture of it, I'm going to post it on our Instagram. Remix your marriage pod on Instagram and you'll see my little lemon tree. That's, that's supposed to be that.
Speaker 2:I don't know if people are listening.
Speaker 1:I heard someone say, and it took me a second they said 50% of marriages end in divorce and the other 50% end in death. Think about that Till death. Do us part. I didn't say it was funny, I thought it was interesting. We are going to change that statistic with you. Know the people that are listening with their help. Yeah, we want to change that statistic.
Speaker 2:We do and that's we truly. The both of us know it's another message, that's something that came out of. The message is when you know that God has said something to you both as a couple. It is a beautiful feeling, that, like when we both agree, like there's things that I feel in my heart that Lennon's like oh, I haven't really felt that, but it's great if you do, and he's but one thing.
Speaker 1:Can I say in that situation, if this was me the first half of our marriage, I would have just agreed and it would have been a lot.
Speaker 2:We'll use that as an example, because they don't know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:Well, you just said that when we don't feel the same about something, Can I say what it is?
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, okay. So I know in my heart, I know that our home is LA. I know it is. That is Los Angeles, california. We don't live there, we live pretty far from there. But I have felt for about five years. God was very clear in my heart and five years ago I thought it was going to happen a month and it didn't. We actually moved further from LA and Lyndon hasn't truly felt that yet. Not that you don't love it there, but-.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I haven't felt the calling to live there, yeah, and then what is something that you have felt that I haven't? Oh, but you want to use that as an example.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So what I'm saying is, if that was me the first half of our marriage, I would have just agreed with you and said yeah, god told me the same thing just to avoid an argument. But it's so much better that we can talk it out like this Right, we've gone past. Like you, you didn't like it, but now you understand, like, if I haven't felt it yet and you have, that doesn't. What does that mean?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know what's true. What's weird is that I didn't realize that how much growth we I have felt about me, I'm just killing. It is because that would have really irritated me If you, if you didn't feel that I'd be like what are you talking about? We've always loved LA. We love our church. Like why don't you want to? I would have started an argument, but instead I'm like okay. Because we've been God will just tell you later.
Speaker 1:We have been exercising that muscle for the past 17 years. Yeah, that's crazy. Now it's not combative anymore like it would have been.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I know that when you have a relationship with Jesus and you're spending time with Him, and you're spending daily time with Him and in His Word, his voice is very much more clear, and I know truly when he's speaking to me, and you do too. So there's things that you feel, but we may not both feel the same thing. But one of the things we always come back to is podcast. It's crazy. It has been years. We should have done this years ago, y'all.
Speaker 1:We did do this years ago.
Speaker 2:Yes, but we didn't do it fully being our authentic selves. But this is what we truly know it's like our story is we've been overcome too much, we've done so many stupid things that we don't want other couples to do, and we need this is. This is our mission, this is our calling, this is what we're here for, regardless if 10 people are listening to us or a million people are listening to us. This is something that we know, that God has called us both to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, leaning towards the million Eventually moved to LA. We'll see about that. I have this lemon tree investment, so I'm not sure about I mean, how long does it take a lemon tree to fully grow?
Speaker 2:Could we? Is there a way to transport a lemon tree?
Speaker 1:We're not going to uproot my lemon tree.
Speaker 2:I wonder if we could. No, I'm just kidding. No, we're here for a while. Okay, so I would say the big takeaway from rebuilding cause that's what we're talking about is one of the things that I learned. If you are and this could be the husband the husband could have more my personality, but if you are someone when me and Lyndon used to argue back in the day, he would. He would shut down a lot of the times, but sometimes he would say, like I would get angry with him about something. He would try to tell me the reason that he did this. Well, every time I come home, you throw a baby at me, you tell me to throw out the trash, you do all these things and you don't even say hi, you don't even give me a kiss, hello, and then I would turn around and get mad and go. Are you being serious? Do you have any idea? I've been with three kids all day. You think I feel like saying hi right now. I need you to come home. What I should do is yes, it's been a hard day, I am with three kids all day, but think about my husband and his feelings and how I approached him and just saying hello. How are you?
Speaker 2:One of the things that Lennon and I have really learned. That is just muscle memory. Now, even in our texts, if it's the first time we've talked in the day because sometimes he gets up earlier than I do we always say good morning, how'd you sleep? How was your? So we talk to each other as if we're dating, as if we're boyfriend and girlfriend. We just have this respect.
Speaker 2:So instead of me getting angry, now I listen. Okay, he's upset. What is he trying to tell me? It hurt him that I didn't greet him. He also I have no idea what kind of day he's bringing home, and I'm his wife and I can make his day a little bit better by greeting him, by smiling when I see him, by being happy when I see him, and then, in turn, instead, if I would argue with you and yell at you and say what are you crazy? You would just shut down. So he would shut down. That would tell me oh see, I got my point across. He knows I'm right. I literally thought oh, I'm right, because he has nothing to say. But why would you shut down?
Speaker 1:Because I didn't want to argue, and the more I responded the bigger you would get, and I just didn't want that. So it was easier for me just to be quiet.
Speaker 2:But you didn't agree with me.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:And at that time I thought he did.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And now I believe it's so weird, hun, trying to talk about it now because I can't, because it's just what we do now. But I remember when the rebuilding, it was like biting my tongue having to listen to you tell me. Well, when you do this, it makes me feel I'm like, oh my gosh, this is a drag. Okay, let me listen, let me listen away. And then when I would listen to you and really hear that you were hurt by me not saying goodbye to you or me not telling you I loved you that day and I really heard your heart, I really understood, I'm like, oh, so communicating is listening.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:It's not who has the louder voice who talks more, and that's really important, even if you don't agree, even if, even if there's times I don't agree with Lyndon and he's saying well, you didn't, you know, you didn't give me a kiss goodbye, or you give me a kiss, not that you that makes you sound like you're all whiny baby.
Speaker 1:I know.
Speaker 2:I couldn't think of anything off the. You didn't tie my shoe, not like. Okay, this is a really simple thing. It annoys me and I'm going to tell you right now. It is so simple. It's not like deep like it used to be, but our shower door. He gets so irritated when I leave the shower door open. It's so simple to close, but it's close to our closet so he thinks that he is going to walk into it and get injured somehow.
Speaker 1:Only, only you know when it's the middle of the night and it's dark and the closet you do it on the light. The shower not always the shower the shower door is clear glass and it blocks the closet when it's open. So I just want you to shut it when you get out.
Speaker 2:So I don't. He wants everything shut. He wants dresser shut, he wants cupboards shut, he wants shower doors shut, he wants the door shut. I don't sound like the crazy person Everything in the world needs to be shut. Okay. So he will say, because I've done it more than three times. So then finally he's like will you please make sure you shut the shower door, because I'm worried that I'm going to trip and I'm going to fall into it, whatever you say. And then I'm like you know what he's not doing. It to demand. He's not like commanding orders. I think when you know your spouse's intention behind it, it makes things better. He really thinks he's going to run into the shower door because he apparently doesn't know how to turn a light on. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding, but that was a really simple way. But it's more like listening. So learn to listen, if that's a takeaway that anyone can get from this. If you are a talker and you're like me and you're, learn to listen.
Speaker 1:Yes, and for husbands or wives? For me it is when you tell me about your day, you know if it's work or friends. I have to remember to ask you is it something you want advice for, or do you just want me to listen? Because for me I always want to fix everything you tell me Always wants to fix.
Speaker 1:Anything you tell me. So she said this oh, just tell her that. Oh, this happened at work. Oh, dude, I Always wants to fix Anything you tell me. So she said this oh, just tell her that. Oh, this happened at work. Oh, dude, I always want to fix. So I have to know and sometimes you get irritated that I'm trying to fix it. So I have to remember to ask you is this something you want to help with, or do you just want me to listen? And on the times when I've just listened, it's actually even easier just to let you vent it out. So for you people out there who want to, who are fixers, just make sure, when you're talking to your loved one, that you ask him is this a situation that you want help with, or do you just need an ear?
Speaker 2:Exactly. And another thing is is that Lyndon doesn't shut down anymore, but he does need a moment to process. He needs a moment to think about it and I have a little bit of trauma from his processing. I don't know what it is about if I and he's so you're so good about this right now, but he would get angry and he wouldn't text me back and he wouldn't answer the phone when I'd call and it was so infuriating and so frustrating and so hurtful and even like when we were just boyfriend and girlfriend in high school. At those times I didn't know. Like in my brain I'm like, oh, he's with another girl, he's running to this girl. That just you know your immature 16 year old brain and I have trauma from that. So if you don't, so so one thing that he does now I've been doing for years remember this is a long time ago is he'll tell me you know, I just need a minute, I just need a moment and even if I text, I need to call you back.
Speaker 2:I can't talk right now as long as he's texting me back, as long as he's communicating. Yes, I want to speak to him at the moment, but I know he needs to process, so he, as long as he promises me he's not going to wait till the next day to talk to me, he's going to process it and then we could discuss it. But I need to give him the space. And you know what I learned about myself it's cracking. I need space. I am such a better person if I have processed something, and sometimes we do need sleep. But you'll tell me you know what, can we just sleep on this? And you know how much better you feel when you've had sleep, like sometimes you just so. Give your spouse that space. They don't communicate like you. They need to and in all honesty, I think all of us need to take a minute to process and not speak out of anger or frustration.
Speaker 1:And it's there's a book coming out, pastor Erwin's book. I cannot wait, what is it?
Speaker 2:called Seven Frequencies of Communication.
Speaker 1:Seven Frequencies of Communication. We are not affiliated with this book, not at all.
Speaker 2:I wish we were.
Speaker 1:We don't get anything from this book, but this is going to be an amazing book and you really learn the type of frequency and the person you are. And there's seven of them, correct?
Speaker 2:The type of communicator you are. Phil, I didn't mean to call you Phil.
Speaker 1:You're obviously an abusive communicator, but anyway, yes. So, even without reading it yet, but just hearing Pastor talk about it and go over the types of communicators there are, it's just, it's going to be an incredible book.
Speaker 2:There's also a test with it too that I cannot wait to take, because I don't know what kind of anyways. You won't know what we're talking about. We'll talk about it on another time. Maybe we'll have a whole podcast on it.
Speaker 1:Thank you, guys, so much for listening. Yes, thank you, and special shout out to our people who have reached out to us and said where the heck are you guys and get back.
Speaker 2:And we really appreciate it. It makes us feel loved and missed and needed and we need that. We love you guys. We do find us on Instagram, yes, and please rate and review if you haven't yet, and share this with a friend, share this with your couple friend, or whoever Just share. We want, we want to get out there. We want it out there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how fun would this be to do full time and just travel and have marriage conferences and we just party with the couple.
Speaker 2:Why not? That'd be amazing.
Speaker 1:Can't wait to the next episode. Any questions or comments, please leave them on our Instagram. At Remix your Marriage pod on Instagram. And what were you going to say, Vanessa?
Speaker 2:Also DM us with any topics you want us to talk about. Love, love hard.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, bye. Love hard, I remember, because of the heart.