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Remix your Marriage Podcast
Sharing our dysfunctional story of relationship, young parenthood and a broken marriage that all started in 1989, to a new incredible marriage. In hopes to help other couples not make the same mistakes.
We will have open and honest conversations about our ups and downs, our bad decisions and how we learned to get through all the Messiness! Marriage is tough but it is also amazing if you do it right!
Hang in there and give us a chance to Remix Your Marriage!
Remix your Marriage Podcast
EP14 - If only SHE knew: Things a Husband wishes his wife knew about him. His thoughts, emotions and insecurities.
On this episode of "Remix Your Marriage", we reflect on key moments that have shaped our understanding of marital expectations and intimacy. Influential conversations, like one with Bec Smith, that taught us that consistency and full commitment are essential in both personal and professional realms. These lessons, interwoven with our candid insights into the intimate dynamics of marriage, underscore the importance of being open and understanding with your partner. By moving from blame and unmet expectations to shared responsibilities, we’ve found ways to rebuild our relationship on the foundations of mutual respect and Love.
We also discuss the often complex themes of sex, guilt, and communication within marriage, drawing upon personal anecdotes to illustrate our evolution from obligation to genuine connection. Exploring the intricacies of love languages, we discuss how understanding and committing to acts of care can nurture a positive cycle of support. Through our personal narratives, we address the challenges of rebuilding trust after the affair, emphasizing the power of effective communication and emotional affirmation in strengthening relationships. Join us as we highlight the transformative impact of thoughtful gestures and the nuances of desire and intimacy in fostering a resilient and happy marriage.
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hello and welcome. Welcome to remix your marriage.
Speaker 1:I am your host, lyndon and I am vanessa, I'm making fun of him not being nice if they've listened to previous episodes it's they're used to it it's the game show host voice that I want him to not do, but if it's who you are and you enjoy it, then I welcome it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so constant little jabs here and there, but that's okay.
Speaker 1:Oh, I want to share something really quick that I thought was really sweet and that doesn't have to do with the topic. Real quick, perfect, but kind of does. No, actually kind of does. I have pumpkin envy and what that means is it's just something I created. My neighbors all have like pumpkins all in their house and they have like the cutest decorations and everything. So I told Lennon I have pumpkin envy and I think I created that.
Speaker 2:You did.
Speaker 1:I just I think it's the competition part of me just driving in my neighborhood and I'm like hon, all these people have the cutest pumpkins in their house and I got jealous. And the next day, literally no, literally the next day I come home and we have the cutest Halloween decorations you must've like. As soon as I said it, just like, went on Amazon, which was so sweet he must have like. As soon as I said it, just like, went on Amazon, which was so sweet.
Speaker 2:So we had a few questions from our previous episode, which was called If Only he Knew, which was the book that I read after the infidelity happened, the book that was instrumental in changing my perspective on not only my wife but on women as well, and we did have a few questions, which I love. They just wanted me to expand more on certain things. So if you haven't heard the previous episode, this episode is going to be if only she knew things that men wish that their wives knew.
Speaker 1:By Vanessa, because there's no book. It's things that I have learned in rebuilding the marriage.
Speaker 2:So to expand on. If only he knew. One of the questions was how could I say no when we were talking about moving to a different church and, as mentioned, go back and listen to that one if you haven't heard? And I guess the reason that I said no was because I was so set in my ways. As you get older, you start creating habits and you don't want to change the way things are, even if it feels like you know. They say if it's not broke, why try to fix it? Even if it's a little broken? It's like I'd rather stick to that little bit of brokenness than to have to rebuild and start all over. So that's why I really knew we needed to change churches, but I didn't really want to change church.
Speaker 1:And not because anything bad had happened or anything at the church. It was just we felt it was time to grow, and I think that. Yeah, I completely agree. It's one of the things. There's many things I love about getting older. One of the things I don't like is, the older you get, the more you want the same thing every day, the more you want to be comfortable. But that's not healthy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's the familiarity of. I already know how this is going to end up, so I'd rather stick to what I know how the outcome is going to be. I'd rather stick to knowing that than create going into the unknown.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, did God tell you or did you only do it for Vanessa when we moved to a different church? Initially, I was only doing it for my wife and for my daughters, because of everything that you know. There's a whole loyalty thing, and I know it's. You know it's between women as well. But there's another type of loyalty that only I know, which is man to man.
Speaker 2:And because pastor Gary and a lot of people at that church had done so much for us, um, I was allowing that to Trump, me wanting to go somewhere else, because I felt I needed to stay loyal to the people who helped us. And so initially I did it only for you guys, but in time, realizing how much things change, how it changed our marriage even more, how we were able to grow even more, that came from God, that came from me taking a step in the right direction to please you guys, but then allowing God to take over and guide me and show me. You know, this is why you're here. So I think sometimes it's okay to do things for the wrong reasons, because it can end up being the right reason if you play it out.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then do you have I'm putting you on the spot here, but do you have a moment at Mosaic where you're like, oh yeah, this is, this is home, this is where I?
Speaker 2:need to be, or have you had a moment? Yes, so, aside from Pastor Irwin's sermons, it's just gosh. I hate to use this word because I'm so old, but it really is the vibe of that church.
Speaker 1:Why? Because it's too young of a word, yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't say that, but that's really what it is. It's the way that I felt when I got there. You know, I did go to another church for work. I had taken one of my clients to a different church and it was a really good church. It was similar to Mosaic, but I didn't have that connection that I did when I walked into Mosaic.
Speaker 2:So, getting in there, we talked about how diverse it is, which is great, but that can't be all. It's the message, it's how I was able to interpret things and apply it to my life, apply it to our relationship, seeing things from a different perspective. So the previous church had a perspective on uncertain things in life, with social media and things like that. And then going to Mosaic, it was almost like for me it was like an updated church, you know, and again, not to say anything bad about the previous church, but we, I just felt like we hit a ceiling with our growth. Anything bad about the previous church, but we, I just felt like we hit a ceiling with with our growth.
Speaker 2:And then going into a new place where I went into Mosaic, thinking I'm already at the top of top of my game. I, coming from this church, this other church. I'm already at the top of my game and I'm going in there thinking that's how it's going to stay and I realized I'm not even close to the top. You know I was, it was, it was what I needed to show me. No, you have a lot more growing to do, and the people in that church have challenged me and forced me to grow.
Speaker 1:And I want to say from a wife's perspective, lyndon and I started serving in kids and he would do the story time for them. He would do the stories and we would basically at that time we would have a verse, a message for the month and then we would tell a story about how this verse was part of our life or how it helped us in our life. And and Lyndon, storytelling was. It's just so amazing, being married, because I keep seeing new sides of you and I saw, like the way that you would tell these stories, the way the kids like when kids are listening, oh my goodness, it's like everything freezes. You're like nobody move. They would just sit there and listen and ask questions, and it was so beautiful to see that side of him.
Speaker 1:And I think that, and what's so funny is I would think, oh my gosh, that was so great, you did awesome. And then he would afterwards be uh, in the beginning, beck would come up and, and you know, have a talk with him and tell him all the ways that he could improve, which I love. That, because that's what mosaic is about is striving for excellence, and we are always wanting to elevate each other and do better, and I feel like I have completely transformed in the last seven years, but this is not a podcast about that.
Speaker 2:But I do want to tell you you did ask, you asked me a question. You said when did things change for you?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So I just remembered when I felt like things changed. So when we first started, we got involved, as you mentioned, on the kids team and one of the things we had to do was we had to set up a space for the kids, and on the kids team, and one of the things we had to do was we had to set up a space for the kids. So we had another building right next to the church where we would literally have a moving truck and all of the furniture was in that moving truck and every Sunday morning we would get there early, unload the moving truck and set up inside this other building. And it was a task, it was a lot of work and there was one time one of the hardest things was we had to hang these lights from the ceiling and it's a tall, tall ceiling. We had to get this extra tall ladder and we had to have Like market lights Two people. Yeah, we had to have two people holding the ladder. It was a big deal to hang these lights and we had to do it every single Sunday and that was one of the things I really did not look forward to with Set and teardown was the lights.
Speaker 2:So after we had been doing this for a while. I was kind of running the setup and teardown and we were running late. One day we couldn't open the truck or wouldn't start or whatever, and we were running late. So we had everything set up except for the lights. And then one of the guys goes oh, we have to do the lights. And I'm like well, we only have five minutes before the kids get here, don't worry about it, I'll tell Beck we're not doing the lights.
Speaker 2:So Beck Smith was the one that was overseeing the whole kid's space at the time. We're done, everything's good, everything's set up, except for the lights. And as soon as Beck walks in, she comes straight to me and she goes Lyndon, where are the lights? And I go oh, beck, we didn't have time to put the lights up. And she said you have to make time.
Speaker 2:And I said well, the kids are going to be arriving. This place is so lit up already, we don't really need these extra lights. And she said it's not about what we need, it's about an expectation that we have what we need. It's about an expectation that we have. And these kids expect us to prepare a space and these parents expect us to prepare a space and it's not up to us to cut corners. We do it the same way every time. Yeah, so she goes, so put the lights up and um, not that this matters, but I do have to say and I've said this, I think, in past podcasts I am a black man and usually Caucasian women are a little intimidated by me. It just, it's just a natural thing that happens. Um Beck is a little Caucasian woman.
Speaker 1:Why don't you want to just call her a little white woman? She'd be okay with that.
Speaker 2:Okay, so not only did she stand her ground and not worry about my reaction because this space was so important to her, but she explained to me why and the why for me is so important when, when I'm doing anything, yeah. Like I didn't think those lights were a big deal, but when she explained why there's an expectation in, in, in, in what we do. And you know the thing that they always say you do one thing the way, you do everything, so, so the way you do.
Speaker 1:one thing is how you do everything yeah.
Speaker 2:So if I'm only going to give 98% because we're running out of time, then I'm only giving 98% in other things I do in my life and that's not how I want to live. So that was a turning point for me and I've never forgotten that. And then in everything I do inside of Mosaic and outside of Mosaic, I do my absolute best to give it a hundred percent, and I think about that conversation whenever I want to leave early or cut corners or not do something in life, not just church.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and life.
Speaker 2:So that was, that was a huge turning point for me. That's when I knew that I was in the right place.
Speaker 1:That's when you knew your wife and daughters were right. Yes, okay.
Speaker 2:And that your intuition, as the book said, was right.
Speaker 1:Yes, so we wanted to now go into. If only she knew. So this is, we should have a disclaimer on this. Lyndon Jr, bella and Sophia do not listen anymore. Okay, there we go. They do. They do not want to hear Well.
Speaker 2:I'm kind of excited. I don't know what you're going to say.
Speaker 1:The first thing I'm going to talk about in Only she Knew, and I'm talking about wives. And, by the way, this is not a book. Maybe it should be a book written by Vanessa Coleman someday.
Speaker 2:You know what? I have not double checked to see if this is a book. It may be.
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 2:But if it is, we haven't read it.
Speaker 1:If it is, this is all me right now, so maybe I should call it something else. Yeah, the first thing I'm going to talk about is sex, and I held back on talking to wives about this for a long time because I was so concerned with wives thinking that I was saying it was our fault that our spouse had an affair. And I'm just going to say this right away. If you listen to this podcast and you know me, that is not what I feel or believe.
Speaker 1:Does someone say that to you. Well, I think that when you go into what your husband needs, it starts to for some reason. We live in a world right now where it's all about the wife, it's all about the woman. I believe that's what I'm seeing Like. It's not about serving your man and that can look people can look down on that. You know. It's all about your husband doing all these things for you, and so sometimes I think I was afraid to look like I was that wife. So, bottom line, I don't care. This is what rebuilt our marriage. This is what helped us. My husband has an incredible respect and love for me and I, in turn, respect and love him.
Speaker 1:So I'm just going to start off with women. Girl, your husband wants sex period. He wants to feel that connection, he wants that love. He wants it. Sex is a one thing that we can do together as husband and wife that we can't do with anyone else, and it is an intimacy. It is beautiful. It was created by God. I had a lot of issues with sex before, well before we. Obviously we had premarital sex, because I started having sex at 16 or 15.
Speaker 2:You and I.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was 16. So 16. Yeah, I was 17 or 16. Yeah, and I knew it was bad. I always felt guilty about it, but I was in such a rebel age and I was. Every single one of my friends was sexually active, so it was not. I was actually the last of everyone, and so it wasn't a big deal. And then, when I had Lyndon Jr, when I had Lyndon Jr, like I explained before, I went like overnight, became a Christian and just try to do everything right. I feel like I was trying to make up for all the bad things I had done. I think I like accepted Jesus into my heart like every, every single, every single Sunday, and just like did communion just because I felt like I was so, so, so bad.
Speaker 2:You associated sex with shame because we had done it before marriage and had a baby out of wedlock. When you became a Christian, you're like well, now I'm this Christian woman and we weren't married yet either. And we weren't married.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that's exactly it. I'm like, well, we can't have sex. I had no idea that Lyndon was needing it or wanting it. Because I'm like I think that that's what I did a lot of our marriage. If I made a decision, it is what it is and you got to kind of deal with it. And because Lennon didn't know how to communicate his feelings, he never told and he never wanted to make me feel bad or or ashamed, but I didn't really think it was a big deal. It wasn't actually, until we went to our previous church, until we were at Desert Streams and I started.
Speaker 1:I went to my first marriage retreat. My mind was blown. I was like, like pastors, wives and all these women, they're talking about sex in different positions. I'm like, what is happening to my life right now? And the women there really taught me the beauty and sex and the importance of having, of having it, and why your husband needs it.
Speaker 1:And I think I still like struggled with it, although I felt a little bit more freer about it. I'm like, okay, I need to be a good Christian wife, so my husband needs sex. So I would literally go okay, we haven't had sex in three or four days. Okay, it's time. And I was so sad I just be like, all right, let's go. Like, literally, I would look at Lynn, I'm like let's go, let's get it done. And then he was, of course, he's like okay, you know, I cause I don't know when it's going to happen again. And I mean I think we had our times that were like good and, you know, great, and but for the most part, to me it was like if you are a woman with a to-do list, which most of us are and it's like check, okay, that's done, all right. Now I got to go to Target. Like it was so unsexy, I mean I was part of your to-do list.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you were and and I felt like, okay, now he feels wanted, I did my job for the day. So what I'm here to say is your husband wants sex, but he wants you to want it as well. He wants you to desire him. He wants you to just think of when you were dating and when he was courting you and you were courting him and how much you desired and loved him. And I think right now, as you're building your marriage, yes, it's very, very difficult. It's difficult to show your husband that you desire him and it's going to be baby steps and it's going to be a long road, but you will get there and I think that the way that you start to desire him and he starts to desire you I know it's so old school, I know people have heard love languages like crazy, but but literally know your spouse, know their love language.
Speaker 2:But I do want to rewind real quick to as a man. What I would want you to know and I believe what a lot of husbands want their wives to know is when you respond to us sexually. It makes us feel wanted, it makes us feel desire, it puts us in a better mood, it makes us want to do more things for you and the weird thing is it's not like give me sex and I'll cut the grass. It's like we had sex. I'm so happy these endorphins have kicked in.
Speaker 2:I'm in a better mood. I'm going to go cut the grass. What else does she want me to do? I'm going to do that. Don't go to sleep right away. I'm like awake, you know for you you knock out, I'm out. Yeah, but there's something to it, so it's not. I don't want, I don't want it to come off like it's a trade-off, like you give me sex, I clean the garage.
Speaker 1:I'm really glad you said that Because that's not what it is.
Speaker 1:We've actually had this talk to get pumpkins. Yes, she did, and there's more where that came from. So well, what I was saying is is, once you know that, once your spouse knows that about you. So you know, lyndon knows that acts of service is my thing. I look at him like man. I love this man. Look at all he does for me. He's always taken care of me, he's always, and that right there is what makes me desire him. So that's why it can't just be one person doing everything. You guys have to work together. And after the affair and when we started rebuilding, I saw a different man. I saw a man that literally turned me on.
Speaker 1:It took some time because of you know, we have to get through the damage, we have to get through all the mental thoughts. Women, if you're going through it, it gets better, you get through it. You pray, pray, pray through those moments. I wouldn't be here without prayer and without my relationship with God. And I would say just keep listening to your spouse, have those conversations, know what they want, know what they love.
Speaker 1:I think that sex is like the result of being there for each other, knowing each other, talking with each other, listening, doing all those things, and sex is a result of that, because you're, you're with someone who's like, oh, he really does listen to me, he really does love me, he did this for me, he bought me this. You know, some people, it's a what is it? The gifts? One which is the very bottom of my list is the gift giving, you know? So I, that's what I would say as far as the desire, because I've had women ask me that. But how do you like I don't even want to look at him right now. I don't want to, because it's a process, it's not something that's just going to instantly happen.
Speaker 2:One of the things that I know that men love is when we have your support. I do jujitsu. I absolutely love doing jujitsu and it's great to have your support in that. It's great that you're telling me hey, you need to get back into it.
Speaker 1:But I didn't always yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I and you know we love when you show up for things. You know, you know if, if I'm playing basketball, if I'm just having a pickup game and I'm not sure why, that's funny.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, cause I was like in high school.
Speaker 2:Okay, so men only play basketball in high school. This isn't. This isn't just me.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, okay.
Speaker 2:Also also. I graduated I don't know 30 years ago. I've played basketball plenty of times since then.
Speaker 1:The last time I went to a pickup game was like in my twenties, with you. That's not true, I think. So it's okay. I mean that's fine.
Speaker 2:It's fine. A lot of the people.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry. Okay, go ahead.
Speaker 2:Anyhow it's, it's. It's important. We love when you show up, we love when you watch us play. Whether whether someone's hobby is chess, basketball, volleyball, whatever it is, husbands love when their wives show up, support and watch, and that's something that we just want you to know. We don't want to have to say, hey, it's important for you to show up, we love when you're there, it's important.
Speaker 1:Marriage is work, it is, it's work. But then when you do it enough, like you do these things enough, it becomes so natural. In the beginning it may not be, it may be a little bit of a push, but it becomes so natural and I just, I think that we as couples, we just get in a complete rut where we become roommates, business partners, we co-parent, and we forget we're boyfriend and girlfriend. You know, and I think that when I say goodbye to you, when you're leaving, and I give you that hug and kiss, it feels like when we were in high school, you know, and we're saying, and I'm saying goodbye and saying goodbye to my boyfriend. And we have to remember that, because Lyndon and I have had a weekend without our adult children at home.
Speaker 1:They've all had their own things and I have loved this weekend. It has been so fun. I'm telling you. We have done really nothing but just hung out together and we love to watch crazy documentaries. I know that sounds so boring, man, we sound like we're boring, but I know. But it was fun because we're always busy.
Speaker 2:We're always. We're always on the run, so that's our downtime.
Speaker 1:Yeah it was really cool, and I'm thinking if we did not work on our marriage when our kids were little, would we be able to like be in the same room with each other, would we like?
Speaker 2:So I had mentioned that gray divorce episodes and episodes again, the what Gray divorce.
Speaker 1:Gray divorce.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you weren't listening to me, but hopefully I swear. I do not know what you're talking about. So I saw it on Mark and Kelly and they were talking about gray divorce. You didn't talk about this. A hundred percent. I did. Please write in If you remember me talking about this Mark and Kelly just talked about this.
Speaker 2:So you okay. So See, so you okay. So that's where I'm going. So Mark and Kelly which is a morning show had talked about great divorce probably six months ago, and basically it's when these older couples who have been married for 30, 35 years, they end up getting divorced after all, their kids move out and everything, and that's why it's called Great Divorce.
Speaker 2:And the reason I'm bringing it up now is because they brought it up again, because the percentage has gone up since the initial time I talked about it, and a big part of that problem is because they were so kid-centered and kid-focused that that's all they did. So by the time the kids got grown and they moved out, they had never been alone together, so they didn't know how to act. They didn't know how to connect, so they ended up been alone together, so they didn't know how to act, they didn't know how to connect, so they ended up getting divorced. And, to your point, you and I have been on a different level of connection and not being child-centered Even though your kids are adults. You can still be a child-centered parent, even if your child is 30, 40, or 50 years old. So the fact that you and I have realized the importance of us over our kids is why we were able to hang out all weekend. When, when, before the affair had happened, I remember thinking I can't, I'm off on Thursday, but I don't really want to hang out.
Speaker 1:I think you would have set up a time to go jujitsu. I would have like figured out something to do with friends. It's not funny. Now we just like want to hang out with each other, which is so cool. Like I said, it's not like an instant, overnight it happens. It's just putting in the work day by day. Okay, next is no nagging. I feel some meal Nagging does not work. And for those of you who tell me no, you don't understand, I know which someone has said to me before no, the only way I get anything done is by nagging him. If it works, I will just tell you it is out of frustration and it's not out of respect and it's not out of love. So if you are nagging your spouse to get something done, maybe you're nagging him. What's like a common thing, hon? What is like spouses don't do Because, look, you're such a good man I forgot.
Speaker 2:I know, but it usually has something to do with some type of-.
Speaker 1:I shouldn't say that You're such a good man. There's plenty of good men. They just you know things happen. They don't get their stuff done.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it usually let's say you know, fixing something like fixing we have a broken garbage disposal right now. So fixing a garbage disposal and you're nagging and nagging and say like your spouse isn't doing it, it just if it does work. Honestly, I think I have. I am the number one pro on nagging. I am no longer a nagger. I learned it, mom. I love you. But I did learn it from her the way not only did she nag my dad but my brother and me until finally it drove us insane and we did it. And that is not the way that you want anything done. There's no respect there, there's no love there. Your husband is just frustrated with you.
Speaker 2:It's going to build animosity.
Speaker 1:It will. He wants you to listen instead of nagging. There's so many other ways, and this is where communication comes in, and I think that Lyndon, in the past, I think you did have you know what though I think all of this? I think the answer is sex. Just kidding, why do you? But not kidding, yeah you don't have sex.
Speaker 2:Just kidding, but not kidding.
Speaker 1:I was looking back and I'm like man, I remember when I was trying to overcome networking I feel like it's an addiction, because it is when I was trying to get through it and I would just take that breath and I'd pray, and it was usually I'd want you to get something done in the house and you just wouldn't, was usually I'd want you to get something done in the house and you never, you just wouldn't. I think I would talk about okay, I'm going to communicate with him. Let's say, it's the garbage disposal, hun, this garbage disposal. But the minute I would start with the garbage disposal, your eyes, like you'd be like I know, I know I'm going to get it done. I'm like, okay, how can I do this again? Let me figure this out. So I'm unable to wash the dishes because I would try and try it.
Speaker 1:But now, right now, I'm having this realization that our relationship has changed because our intimacy has changed. Our intimacy has changed because we have learned to do things for each other that show each other how much we love each other. How many times am I going to say each other, but learning each other's love actions, love language, because I don't want to say love language again because it's driving me crazy. But me learning that physical touch is important, you learning that acts of service to Martin, us sitting on the couch together, us talking, us having our date nights, all of that. If Lyndon sees that the garbage disposal is broken, he's like I know this is driving her crazy and I want to make her happy and I love her. So I know I'm going to do this before it starts to bug her and she wants to say something to me.
Speaker 2:It's like a full circle moment, so to speak. Like I do A, she does B, which makes me want to do C, which makes her want to do D, which makes me want to do A, and all the way, and it's a full circle of things. And I think before what was happening was she doesn't do this for me, so I'm not going to do that for her, and he doesn't do that for me, so I'm not going to do that for her, and he doesn't do that for me, so I'm not going to do that for him. So, instead of that circle getting better, it was getting worse.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's one of the biggest mistakes I made when I got married. I expected Lyndon to make me happy. I expected Lyndon to make all the bad things go away. If I was upset about something, he needed to make it go away. If we couldn't pay a bill, he needed to figure out. It was all put on him. The amount of stress this man had. I just don't even understand how he took it but I guess we do, because we're talking about this and it was too much pressure for him.
Speaker 1:And when I found out, when we that night, when I had found out about the affair, one of the scariest moments was for me. I felt like somebody picked me up and dropped me off of a mountain, like off of a cliff, because I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. I didn't have a college education. I graduated high school with my baby, literally with my baby on my hip, and I depended on you. My life was being a stay at home mom and I didn't think about the future. I didn't think about anything and everything was put on you. And I think that I finally came to a point where I'm like I need to do something with the gifts that God's already given me with the education I already have. I need to figure this out. So I think the nagging for me had a lot to do with me being upset about my life you know, and that's the first time I'm actually coming to that realization is at this moment.
Speaker 1:You know, and I think, the more that I grew as a human being, I mean I started doing personal. I had never done personal development ever in my life until I was like 35.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because, again, I had a weird thinking of what a Christian woman was. I'm like a Christian woman should only read the Bible. Like you, can't do any. The only personal development you need is the Bible.
Speaker 2:Is Jesus. Yeah, yeah that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean he's the, but he's a foundation of everything you know. So I I just had such a warped way of thinking you know, and once I started doing that and growing that independence, oh you know what? Hun say it right here who fixes the garbage disposal? Who fixes the garbage disposal? Who?
Speaker 2:fixes the garbage disposal. Oh you, because that didn't make sense, because we're talking about it's broken.
Speaker 1:I'm so sorry, but usually if it's not, when it's not completely broken.
Speaker 2:When it gets jammed. When it gets jammed, thank you.
Speaker 1:That was better and I figured out how to do that.
Speaker 2:And you taught me how to do that.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I started to figure out, okay, yes, and I started to figure out, okay, when the like, when things need to get fixed, I wait, I honestly wait now and see. Can I do this? Or should I talk to him? Lennon does not want anybody touching his backyard and nobody will, but with other things. But I can, I can figure it out, you know, and I think that that's why I don't have a desire to nag anymore. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:The other thing this may be helpful for some people is when you do want me to do something and I'm not really feeling it. We will pick a time. So if you're like, hon, can you take out the trash? I know, if I don't get up within four seconds, you're going to get up and start doing it, just so I will pop up behind you. So, yes. So what I will say is yes, give me about 30 minutes, and then it's up to me, within that 30 minutes, to take it out, instead of letting it float and you get frustrated because you're like is this fool going to take it out today, tomorrow, whatever, I can give you a time and then 30 minutes from now. Now, I've given you permission to remind me because I'm the one that said 30 minutes.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So give that a shot.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I had a friend. Tell me, stop worrying about how you're coming off, stop worrying about what people think about you, because those who know you love you, and I know I need to remember that.
Speaker 2:I think if you're being truthful, then nothing else matters.
Speaker 1:You're right. Well, my truth is, everything changed once me and you started having more sex. Everything changed and we had to have like I did not expect it emotional, I did not expect it emotional. I think I get emotional because it's one of those things. It's not that I have.
Speaker 1:I do have some regrets in my life. You know, when people say, don't regret it. Every anything in your life, I do. I regret that I didn't. I regret I didn't know how beautiful sex was with your spouse and how important it was and how important that intimacy was. It's like we joke and you know we talk about it, but it's, it is the one thing we get to do with each other and that's why, when your spouse has an affair, it's so heart-wrenching. I was speaking to someone who is going through this and I was telling her it is like mourning a death. You are going through a death. It feels like that and Pastor Gary is the one who told me it is. It's the death of a marriage. It's a death of a marriage that you thought you had. But now I look back and I'm so glad that marriage is dead. I'm so glad that marriage is gone and I just wish I would have known and back then and I'm not crying because I'm I think that any of that was my fault.
Speaker 1:I am over that. Women, you need to get through that. It is not your fault.
Speaker 2:Definitely not your fault.
Speaker 1:Please understand, I'm going to go Goodwill hunting on you. It is not your fault. Your spouse cheated on you. It is not your fault because there are ways that they could have gotten through this without having to cheat on you. There are things that they could have done, so this is not your fault. I guess I'm getting emotional because I feel like I missed out on years of being able to know how beautiful sex was and have that intimacy with you. And the reason I say that sex made such a big deal is because we had that intimacy. Finally together. We had this love for each other, that we wanted to do nice things for each other, that we wanted to hang out together, that we wanted it truly became a new marriage, you know and but we were, we were a product of our environment yeah we grew up.
Speaker 2:you know our stories. We grew up a certain way with certain people we looked, we we looked up to not necessarily in a way, but this is who was in front of us and that's what we modeled. And then, when we got into our teenage years, this is what we modeled. And then, bringing all that junk and infidelity and cheating and breaking up and getting back together, we brought all that into our marriage. And then how are we supposed to have a successful, functional marriage with that background without trying to figure out the best way to move forward? We got our marriage license but there was no education behind that Right.
Speaker 2:Which is why premarital counseling is so important in getting an understanding of what marriage is and what sex is, and why that's so important, because otherwise we're walking into this marriage blindly. You know, and we messed up both of us, not just you, of course, not just you but we just didn't know. We didn't know what we didn't know. And now we do better, and that's the thing, like do we take all the knowledge that we've gained and make the same mistakes, or do we grow? And we've been continuously growing and now we want to be the people that we didn't have for other people. So we went through all that mess and we missed all those years, but nothing's wasted right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're right.
Speaker 2:As husbands, we mess up. We mess up a lot, and I think another thing that I would want you to know, and what I think husbands want their wives to know, is that we may act confident, but we have a lot of insecurities, a lot, and it's important for us to know that, no matter what we do as far as making mistakes I'm not talking about just infidelity, I'm just talking about simple mistakes, huge mistakes it's important for us to know that you're on our side and that you don't want to add to the problem. You want to be part of the solution. So, having that confidence in your wife, knowing that she's going to be on your side If, if I ran a red light and I caused a car accident, that you're not going to come after me and tell me how stupid I am, but you're going to tell me hey, you got to be more careful, but I'm here for you, let's get through this together. So it's important to know, for us to know that you're with us. So we need that grace.
Speaker 1:Yes. And then I just want to end with saying I know I've said this before, but this is something that's daily, that you work on every day. It can't be overnight and eventually, before you know it, you're in a place with your spouse where you I feel like me and you have a good rhythm going. Yeah.
Speaker 2:What do you mean?
Speaker 1:I know I wasn't going to be able to say rhythm without him looking at me funny. Just with our life, we do still argue about certain things, because Lyndon still has a very difficult time in saying he's sorry.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, what?
Speaker 1:It's still very, very challenging for him, difficult time and saying he's sorry it is, I'm sorry what it is, so it's still very, very challenging for him. So we still have. I don't want to make it seem like everything's perfect, but it's still a work. I would like to say one last thing too, if I'm speaking to a couple who's rebuilding their marriage, is that take your time with sex right now and give yourself that grace. It is going to take some time to grow. That's why therapy is in crucial, incredibly, incredibly important right now to walk through it, because not just for the obvious, because of the trauma of knowing your spouse has had an affair, but also there is some deep wounds that sex can bring up for people you know, and just be patient with yourself. It's baby steps, whatever you need to do. I know Linden and I at one time we'd have a calendar. Remember we had a calendar that was like we called it, business time.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:If you guys ever have heard of flight of the Concord's business, flight of the Concord's business time on YouTube, yeah, of Flight of the Conchords Business Time on YouTube.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Flight of the Conchords is the name of the group.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And this video is called Business Time.
Speaker 1:And it is hilarious.
Speaker 2:YouTube it. It's hilarious.
Speaker 1:Is it still hilarious? Because we haven't heard it since like 2003.
Speaker 2:If you're a married couple or you've been with the same person for a little while.
Speaker 1:Let's hold on off on that funniness. If I have to see it again because my humor has changed, it's hilarious. Anyways. So we would have like business time, like this is when we need to, you know, and we would schedule it whatever works for you. We've also had the question like what's healthy, like how many times that is really that's between you two.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that is really between you too. I, okay, I have heard people and I am going to say I don't agree with this at all that have said well, you know me and my spouse don't really have sex and you know we're both fine with it. Hell, no, I do not care, I am sorry, and I can say that because I am almost 50 years old and I've been through a lot in my marriage and you are going to tell me oh, we don't have sex and we're just like fine with it. We need it, hun.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know, I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, no, no no.
Speaker 2:Maybe one of them is having sex, you know, just not with their.
Speaker 1:Ooh, I didn't say that, you said that. I'm just saying like yeah, and like yeah, we're judging. Right now I'm not going to say it, we are, we're judging.
Speaker 2:No, it's okay, but don't bring me into the we you are, you just, you just judge. I said maybe.
Speaker 1:I don't care if I'm judging. I think there's something. I don't necessarily think that's it. I think someone is settling, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, we heard there was also a couple that said they had sex like a month and they were both happy with that, and I remember learning that. I forgot where we learned this from, but I remember learning that if both people are good with the amount of times that they're having sex whether it's five times a week, 10 times a week or once a month then that's good.
Speaker 1:So they're only having that intimacy once or twice a month Now.
Speaker 1:I'm going to say something intimacy once or twice a month. Now I'm going to say something. There are times in our in me and you, in our lives, where things are hectic and crazy and our, our work schedules are off or kids are always in the way or something's happening and and maybe you're not having sex as much as you'd like, but I think the desire, if you're not desiring it at all, or you're only desiring it once a month, I truly think there's something else going on, because I think sex is healthy, I think not having sex in a marriage is incredibly unhealthy and there's something else going on.
Speaker 2:Outside of, outside of, like you know, physical.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean there's if there's sickness.
Speaker 2:Yeah, things like that.
Speaker 1:There's things I mean come on, people, you know what we're talking about.
Speaker 2:So just got to be clear.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just want to be clear, I know.
Speaker 2:Okay. So, as we wrap up, I do want to say one last thing that I feel like if only she knew, because, as a man and I and I believe that a lot of men believe this, but don't say it that I will say to you that I think you are incredibly intelligent. I think you are, yes, yes, I think you are very smart. I am so happy when I can come home and talk to you about things and discuss things, and there's even times when I'm like I'm going to talk to her about this, but I don't really think she knows about this. And then we talk and you know, and you figure it out, and we figure out, um, if I was to ask you about refinancing the house and I'm like, well, so, but this is, this is a perfect example, cause we, we did refinance not too long ago, and if this was 15 years ago, I would have just done it and said, hey, can you sign all this stuff?
Speaker 1:I see what you're saying.
Speaker 2:But this time I brought it to you and I said this is what I'm thinking about doing, this is what it's going to do to our bills, this is what it's going to do to our payment. And you and I had a discussion about it and we talked it over and you asked me some questions and we did it together and I think that in that moment is when I could have said you know what I appreciate this conversation, you know a lot more than you think, but I just think that and I don't say it. And then when you get dressed up I mean of course you're pretty all the time, you know. But then when we, when you get dressed up, I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm like the luckiest man. See how you respond. See, that's, that's what we need to do as men. We can't just think it, and I know men think their wives are beautiful and they and. But we just assume, you know, we assume you look in that mirror and you see what we see.
Speaker 1:So you just know, but we don't.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think it's really important, men, to let your wives know that you think that they're brilliant, they're intelligent, that you think they're beautiful, and we don't just think it and assume that they know that that's what we're thinking.
Speaker 1:And also now it's going to seem like I'm saying this because you're saying this. It could be, but I should have added this to the to the thing See things. I forget what to add to the list of things because it's very natural for me. So that that was a reminder, is I always told I gave myself the. It was just to me myself. I didn't like do this with anyone else. I just told myself if I ever like am in the mood, like, if I feel like having sex and he's not with me, I'm going to text him and say you know what? I'm just thinking about you. Right now I'm really in the mood.
Speaker 2:I do like that.
Speaker 1:Or if I'm ever thinking about him and thinking he looks good, or I just love him so much and just, I will always tell him I will never hold back. So if I'm not with him I will text him, I will call hold back. So if I'm not with him I will text him, I will call him. Or if I'm with him and I'm just like looking at him going gosh his shoulders look really good right now Tell him, I will tell him, I won't wait. Life is too short to hold back any kind of love you are feeling for the most important person in your life, and that is your spouse Love you are feeling for the most important person in your life, and that is your spouse I don't know A hundred years from now. I want Lyndon to know my wife thought I was hot. My wife was attracted to me. I want my husband to feel loved and know he is loved, and you should never hold back on compliments.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so as we wrap up, thank you guys. If you made it this far, we have a big episode. The next episode, episode 15. Shockingly enough, we had another humongous thing hit our marriage, and had it not been I can't believe we haven't talked about this yet, I know had it not been for what we had gone through previously, this is something that really could have tore us completely apart.
Speaker 1:If this would have happened at the same time, we would not be together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but God knows. And if you ever doubt that, look at things in your life. And God knows he protected us from a lot of stuff. So that's coming up. God did I'm not allowed to say that you, that's coming up. God did I'm not allowed to say that you don't like when I say that. So next episode again. Follow us on Instagram.
Speaker 1:Yes, please follow us on Instagram and share this podcast.
Speaker 2:What's the name?
Speaker 1:Oh, remix your Marriage Pod and then any questions you have. We did have some more questions. I think we're going to have a Q&A episode Any questions you have and if we haven't responded it's not because we're ignoring you, it's because we're saving your answer for the podcast.
Speaker 2:Yes, and there is a section in the show notes where it says text us. You can send us a text and we will get it.
Speaker 1:Thank you guys.
Speaker 2:Remember.
Speaker 1:Oh, love hard.
Speaker 2:Love hard.
Speaker 1:My husband comes from old school, 80s. He was raised by that. If you don't know that, then that shows that you did not listen to the first episode. Anyways, he was raised by 80s sitcom, so he needs to have the game show voice and you need the slogan.
Speaker 2:And a shout out to Vanessa Gonzalez for her nice fan mail that she sent us.
Speaker 1:Vanessa.
Speaker 2:Such a great name. It is Alright, y'all.
Speaker 1:Alright.
Speaker 2:Time to love hard Peace. See ya, that was much more brain-wrapping. That's what she said.