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Remix your Marriage Podcast
Sharing our dysfunctional story of relationship, young parenthood and a broken marriage that all started in 1989, to a new incredible marriage. In hopes to help other couples not make the same mistakes.
We will have open and honest conversations about our ups and downs, our bad decisions and how we learned to get through all the Messiness! Marriage is tough but it is also amazing if you do it right!
Hang in there and give us a chance to Remix Your Marriage!
Remix your Marriage Podcast
EP15 - Its a Girl! (Part 1): How one life-altering discovery almost destroyed what we worked so hard to rebuild
December 2nd(or 1st), 1989—a day etched in memory, not just for us, but now for all who tune in. We are recording this episode on our 35th anniversary of when we knew we liked each other, lol!
Our marriage story isn't just about love—it's about resilience and growth in the face of challenges and the path toward rebuilding trust. Overcoming obstacles has been central to our journey, and we continue to build stronger. In this episode Lyndan receives a Facebook message that would forever change not only his life, but our whole family! Its a girl! Listen as we walk you through the pain and recovery of this surprise and how something that could have torn us apart made us stronger!
Remixyourmarriage@gmail.com
Hello and welcome to Remix your Marriage. I am your host, Lyndon.
Speaker 1:And I am your other host, not co-host the other host, Vanessa, and this is a marriage podcast that we started and we're just sharing our story on everything that we've been through as a couple since we've known each other. Today is December 2nd.
Speaker 2:This may be our real anniversary of when we very first started dating.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's our real anniversary, 1989. It is a Saturday. It was a Saturday that we, lyndon, knew that somebody in my friend group liked him and he couldn't. You had like all week. It's a long story, whatever. I had all week to figure it out and finally, I think, like on Friday, you found out. That's how come. I know it was on a Saturday, 1989.
Speaker 2:I know it was a Saturday.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that's why it is December 2nd. So forever we thought it was December 1st, until Bella, who has to always investigate our daughter, and she looked up 1989. She's like December 1st was a Friday. So for so many years we've been celebrating December 1st.
Speaker 2:That being said.
Speaker 1:It's December 2nd, so what happened was 35 years ago 35 years ago. Okay, lyndon had found out the night before that it was me that liked him and I had a major crush. We used to say scamming, I was scamming on him, although scamming was used in different ways too, like if you kiss someone, it was called scamming, anyways.
Speaker 2:That was all weird Canyon country stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, in Riverside we didn't say things. Oh, you didn't say that. No, oh, anyways, I was scamming on you and you found out.
Speaker 2:I liked you and I officially knew that you knew and I didn't know you knew. Okay, oh, you don't know we know, they know, we know that.
Speaker 1:Okay, and I was at my friend Dina's house and I think Dina and Stacey were both there and I just remember one of them coming. I was in her room and one of them running her in the room and they're like Vanessa, vanessa, lyndon's outside, he's on his bike, lyndon's outside, he wants to talk to you. And so I walked out there. I had just gotten my braces on the day before, I was really embarrassed and so I kept covering my mouth. And then we were just talking and I don't remember what we said, but I remember the look on both of our faces, like we like each other.
Speaker 2:We know.
Speaker 1:And he also had a girlfriend, but that's for another time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean I was 16.
Speaker 1:Okay, today's a big episode. Are you nervous?
Speaker 2:I am a little bit nervous because of the people who are involved.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And how all this came about and what happened, and yeah, so do the people involved know we're doing this podcast?
Speaker 1:Yes, okay, that's good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just not at this exact moment.
Speaker 1:But they will, I'm going to let you take it away and then we'll see where I come in. I don't know.
Speaker 2:You'll be jumping in.
Speaker 1:Yeah so.
Speaker 2:I'm going to do my best not to make a very, very long story long, okay, so basically, episode five talked about the infidelity and all the things that we had gone through leading up to that infidelity. We had finally come back together, we have built this strong marriage and this understanding, and then it was about four years right. About four years after yeah.
Speaker 1:Four years after then fidelity and after everything had come out. So we had built a pretty strong marriage by then. Yeah, we were, we were really happy, actually, yeah.
Speaker 2:I felt, I felt good about where we were, where we were headed, and I was like all my cards are on the table, like you know. You know what I mean. I have nothing to hide, you can. So, anyhow, so we had started our business, we had started a bootcamp. Our bootcamp was doing pretty well and we were outdoors and there's a reason I'm telling you this, by the way. We were outdoors and we decided, hey, let's get an indoor bootcamp, let's invest the money. So we went ahead. We found a place. I didn't want to do, neither did I, but you know winter time and we needed to do it. So we finally decided to go ahead and get an indoor place. We were very nervous about it because we were barely getting by with our bills as it was and we were going to be adding another bill.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but we were in this bootcamp. We had so many members, it was like we just had to do it because it was rainy cold. We needed an indoor studio.
Speaker 2:So we had prayed about it, and now we are sitting at the desk in front of the guy who is-.
Speaker 1:Leasing agent.
Speaker 2:The leasing agent who is having to sign all the paperwork, and Vanessa keeps looking over at me and she's like are you okay? And I was a little nervous about this but I knew we were going to be okay. So at that time I wouldn't normally look at my phone, but I got a message on Facebook and I kind of glanced down and I saw a picture and at that time of Facebook I was getting a lot of messages from like um, I mean, I don't know how to put it softly.
Speaker 2:So just say like hookers and you know what I mean. I don't know what they're called, but anyway.
Speaker 1:You were getting advances from. I don't even know what they're called, Right.
Speaker 2:But they weren't like real people, they're just like girls.
Speaker 1:They call them hookers anymore.
Speaker 2:Well, whatever they call it, I think your age is showing. I think you know what I'm saying. Just people saying, hey, I think you're sexy, let's go hook up. And it's like not a real person.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So anyhow, I thought it was one of those. I saw the little, tiny little face, and I want to remind everyone this was how many years ago? Well, 14, 12, 13.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Okay, good, keep going. I'm sorry, cause it is it, is it? We do need to say how long ago it was. Cause Facebook was such a thing. Then our messages were proper. It was like the way we talk to people's way of socialize. It was the way we ran our business, so we were on top of Facebook. Instagram had just barely come out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we didn't really pay attention.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:So, anyhow, I kind of glanced, I saw the picture the leasing agent is talking to us and going over the paperwork and I kind of glanced down again and you could kind of see a preview of what somebody wrote in your messages. So I kind of glanced down again and it said hi, you don't know me. But I'm like, well, that's weird. They usually don't start off like that, they usually start off pretty aggressively. I'm like that's kind of a odd thing to say. But whatever Leasing guys, I can then sign here and this and that and sign here and I'm like I need to read this. So I just opened it up off to the side and I started reading and basically what it said was hi, you don't know me, my name is Brittany and my mom told me a while ago that you are my father and the blood left my face.
Speaker 1:I can't even imagine.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I lost my vision, which is which is just a weird thing. You know, I lost my vision, I couldn't hear what what he was saying, and I'm trying to like read the rest of what she wrote. But after seeing that and then her saying her mother's name, it's like all of these memories came back into my head as soon as I read her mom's name and I was like, oh my gosh, you know I need to read the rest of this, but I couldn't see, you know. So you remember, I told you both you know, you and the leasing agent, hey, I need to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was so strange because Lennon doesn't go to the bathroom. You don't go to the bathroom many times in public places, unless you really have to go. We were only there for a short time.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So it was weird to me that you said is there, you have a bathroom. I'm like you're about we're almost done here and we're like five minutes, five minutes from the house, and I thought that was odd. But I'm like okay, and I'm like does he not want to do this? You know?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what you were thinking, like it has something to do with the lease and I I had already forgotten about the lease. You know, I was like I just need to go to the bathroom. So I go to the bathroom and it's all dramatic, like in a movie. I'm like throwing water on my face and I'm like trying to like clear my head and clear my eyesight so I can read what she's saying. So she basically said yeah, I, my mom, told me who you were. She told me you don't know about me, she's 23 years old, she doesn't need anything from me. She just wanted me to know that she exists. And I was just in shock. I didn't know what to do. So my brain cause cause you and I had gone through the, the big mess of infidelity and all that stuff and my brain in that moment went back to I can't tell Vanessa, I can't Old habits, went back to I can't tell.
Speaker 1:Vanessa, I can't Old habits.
Speaker 2:Old habits, because that's what I'm comfortable with and I'm like, if I tell her she's going to know and you know doing the math. I was 17 years old when this happened. You and I had been together a year, not even a year. We had already broken up. We had already gotten back together. We had broken up many times during that and, um, I just didn't, I just didn't think about it. You know, it just happened one time and that was it. You and I get back together. I graduated high school, I moved to Riverside. We break up again, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:It's just kind of yeah, so um. So then I was able to open up her Facebook and look at her picture, and when I saw that picture I thought there's no need for a paternity test.
Speaker 1:I didn't even know. You thought that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is my daughter, so I knew obviously, especially for you, we would have to do the paternity test and all that stuff. But anyway, so going back sitting in front of you and the leasing agent I'm not there Like I'm out of body. I am on the movie click, where he's like fast forwarding and that's where I'm at. I'm just signing and like nodding my head, but I have no idea what's going on. I have no idea what's being said and I'm thinking how can I keep this a secret? How can I have a relationship with this person?
Speaker 1:but not tell you. It's not crazy. Our mind goes to what's comfortable, what's easy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I can't. I'm not going to, it's too late. I know about her. There's no way I'm not going to be a part of her life. I don't care if she's 50, if she's five, like, I know about her. So how do I do this? How do I go to? I think she was in Germany at that time how do I fly to Germany and visit her? And without you knowing? So, anyhow, what did you have that day? Cause we left the studio and then you had some big event.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we took a picture in front of. We still have that picture. That's the truth. Wow, we took a picture, you know, for Facebook to tell everybody yay, we got a studio. And man Lyndon is good at compartmentalizing. Because you did not, I mean I could tell you there was something off. But I told him I go, okay, we have, cause we had no money, people. And I'm like, okay, we have no money, but we should celebrate. You know, we want we, we like to celebrate all the milestones. This is a big deal for us, so let's just get Starbucks or something. And he's like, no, I just want to go home. That is not my husband. That one of the things about my husband he always I am so blessed he always wants to make me happy, like he will find a way, you know. And if I say I want it, he's like, yes, let's go get started. And he was like, no, I just want to go home. And I'm like, okay, maybe he's not feeling well.
Speaker 2:No, you thought. You thought it was because we signed the lease.
Speaker 1:No, that was during during the time.
Speaker 2:Even after you said is it, is it? Are you worried, like cause you were trying to.
Speaker 1:I was a master trainer for Beachbody so my job was to bring Beachbody workouts into gyms. So what I do is I would present the workout and I would invite, you know, the members uh, you know there was a big promotion for it Like we're going to do insanity class on this day come, or whatever. And we I think we had like there was like going to be like 80 people already they were coming. It was crazy. So to present it, it's a big deal and my, I was just really nervous about it.
Speaker 1:And that was happening that day, that was happening that day and I needed to focus, like I needed to focus on how I was going to present, how I was going to teach. So I I'm like you know what, I don't have time for whatever's going on with him, because I need to focus on this. So I told him I go, I'm going to lock myself in my room, go over choreography. This is what I need to do right now. Basically, you figure out, you, while I'm in here and I have the door, I remember this so well. It's weird the little things you remember, because I feel like I have the worst memory, but little tiny details I remember. Um, that don't make any sense. I had the door kind of cracked open and I'm playing the music and I can see Lyndon pacing back and forth in the hallway.
Speaker 2:So I'm pacing back and forth in the hallway and I'm like I'm not going to tell her. I am going to tell her, there's no way. I'm telling her, I have to tell her, and I'm just battling with myself. And then I'm like, okay, I'm going to do the paternity test and then when that comes back I'm going to tell her. And I'm just pacing back and forth not realizing. I'm pacing like not realizing how obvious I'm being that something's wrong.
Speaker 1:So I see like just this, you know you pacing. So then finally I'm like I can't even focus. I was actually getting real like angry because you knew how important that day was for me. And so I opened the door and I'm like, okay, tell me what is going on, get in here. Because the girls were in the room right next to us. So I'm like, just get in here, Talk to me what is happening.
Speaker 1:And I started to get nervous because the way that he was acting was very similar to the night that I had found out about the affair. So I started, but in my brain I'm like you just have trauma. This is just a trigger. You know you're fine. And I remember you went. We had a desk in our room and I was standing and you went across the room, you sat down and you just stared at the computer and I'm standing there, going. Are you going to tell me. And it was all coming back to me because that is exactly. But before I was sitting in your truck and you were burying your head into your hands and you were crying and I had to keep asking you what is wrong. That was when I found out about the fair. This time similar look, but you're facing the desk and you're crying. I'm like no, no.
Speaker 2:So first of all, I hate that we keep saying I was crying, but you were, I know, but I wasn't yet so cause I remember, I remember very distinctly love.
Speaker 1:Now I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you exactly.
Speaker 2:I'm standing near the desk. That is correct. And then I remember. I remember once I said it is when I started crying, and I remember my words.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, you're being way too specific.
Speaker 2:My words were this girl on face.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you. Let me tell you, I want to say my part real quick because it's important. So when you, when you sat there and you I'm like you need to tell me, and when you were not telling me, that's when I'm like either this happened again or someone died. It's either one, because I and I just my heart felt like it doesn't pop out of my chest. So then, when you said it, you said the words.
Speaker 2:So I said I just got a message from this girl on Facebook and she says I'm her father.
Speaker 1:And my knees buckled. It's only happened, I think, three times in my life that I can remember that my knees buckled and it's such a weird feeling. It's weird what your body does, yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean I lost just yeah, when you you said you lost hearing. For me it's like the weight that, like I could feel the weight of gravity, I could feel my body being pulled to the ground and all I knew was I was standing and then I was on the floor and I was just like no, no, this isn't true, this isn't. And I said at first I'm like who was it?
Speaker 2:So in that moment I was waiting to see how you were going to respond, because I expected anger for multiple reasons, but number one is because of what we had already gone through.
Speaker 1:Well, I remember the first thing. I don't remember knowing that, knowing immediately that it wasn't somebody that was like more present, I felt like I knew right away because I didn't. But I don't remember I think that part's a little bit of foggy but I do know that it was somebody from high school. So I assume we're not going to name names, but I assumed it was someone else. So that was the first person I had asked and you said no. And then I said well, tell me who this is. And when you said the name, I was like nope, this isn't true, this absolutely is not happening. I was in complete denial. I'm just like there's no way when, because I knew of everyone. Also, let me point out, we had been through massive therapy. So we even had a therapy session where we had to be completely honest with each other about everyone in our past. And he had told me about everyone in his past I only have you. So I, I and I trusted you. We were, we were at a point in our marriage where I truly trusted you again and I and so when you said that, but I didn't know that you had ever had a relationship with her, but I didn't know she liked you. So now here I am.
Speaker 1:I don't know how old I was then, but I'm going back to my, you know, teenager. You know the way that I was as a teenager and I just lose it. I'm like I didn't even know you guys were ever together. I know she liked you. It's really important that I say this, because this is why I was feeling this way. There was a group of girls and she was a part of that that just loved him, had a huge crush on him in high school, and so that's why in my brain I'm like, oh no, no, no, she just is doing this just because she still likes you. Like I'm like grasping at this is not happening. There's no way. Why is this happening to us right now? That's what I was thinking. We were struggling so bad financially but finally we had rebuilt our marriage. Like our marriage was stronger than ever. I had gone through my crap as well. We had gone through over that. You know, we'd like gone through so much and I'm like, no, this isn't happening. So I was denial.
Speaker 2:Yeah. After investigating her Facebook a little more, I saw that she had a son and a daughter, which?
Speaker 1:made you a grandfather. Maybe, yes, daughter, which made you a grandfather?
Speaker 2:Maybe yes, so just so many emotions were going on, but my number one focus was you. How do you feel? Can we move forward? Are you going to make me pay for something that happened when I was 17 years old that I didn't tell you about? Yeah, and I was ready to take it all.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. Whatever you were going to give me, you know, is my fault. It's something I did. I didn't. There was no relationship. You use the word relationship. There was no relationship between her and I. We were friends from junior high to high school, but there was no relationship. And then it happened that one time and I just didn't think about it. After that, Like I said, you and I got back together.
Speaker 1:Explain why she was never brought up, like in therapy sessions or when we had. We're being honest about every.
Speaker 2:Cause I just didn't think about it. It was.
Speaker 1:It wasn't that you didn't think about it, you forgot you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean it didn't, it didn't even like what. I'm digging deep into my history.
Speaker 1:I don't, I didn't, even she didn't, it's really crazy Like stop right there, because for women I know it's just that I don't think we've like talked about that and maybe that'll be another podcast, but it's, it's hard if somebody is listening to this going yeah, how could he have forgotten? Do you know what I mean? Like, how does a man forget who he sleeps with? In all honesty, and you were, let me just say you weren't a man, you were 17, 16 years old. You were a young boy who's you know? I think that also adds into it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think, with everything that was going on in my life at the time getting ready to graduate, knowing I was going to be moving back to Riverside like there was so many getting ready to graduate, knowing I was going to be moving back to Riverside, like there was so many, so much going on at that time that as time went on, there's things that I just forgot. I just never. It wasn't like. I was like, oh, I have to make sure I don't remember this moment. It just it happened and then that was it. I barely saw her after that and then I moved. So it's just one of those things and you know, I felt horrible about that Once I realized, once I, once all the memories came back, I just felt horrible. So, anyhow, you and I talked about that, and then you had to leave, you had to go teach your class, yeah, I remember we called a friend to come get Bella and Sophia because we were.
Speaker 1:I remember that Just I wanted to be very thoughtful about them and didn't want them to hear anything, and so she had taken them and I had to compartmentalize. I never was able to do that. I'm able to do that now and I had to. I was working and I had an obligation and a commitment to this gym and I had to do this. And I don't even remember I remember they did up at 5 am for our boot camp. So it's like life goes on and we need to figure this out. So we didn't. You didn't tell me one thing. I did. You did show me her picture in Facebook.
Speaker 1:So when I saw her picture in Facebook, every part of me it's so crazy because like my soul was like I don't know if this makes any sense my soul was like she looks exactly like Sophia. And then her son. I'm like, oh my gosh, she has the essence of my son. Like you kind of look like my son. So I immediately started bawling when I saw it. But still I'm like, no, she's lying, she's lying, there's someone else out there. I started trying to remember. You know from a small town. So we, we, we know things. I was like trying to remember all the guys that I think that I knew she dated. I'm like, no, it's gotta be so-and-so, it's gotta be so-and-so. So I was in denial and all I could think about was I want nothing to do with this, nothing, this is all you. You will not have my support in this. These are not my grandchildren, this is not me. I was devastated, absolutely devastated.
Speaker 2:And then all I was thinking was I have to be in every part of this girl's life. I need to make up for the 22 or 23 years that I missed. I'm going to be all in and thinking I don't know what we're going to do if I want to be all in and you're going to be all out. First things, I reached back out to her and I I honestly do not remember what I said, but I'm sure it was something to the effect of I can, I don't know. I don't know what I said, but I do know that either I.
Speaker 1:Is the message still there?
Speaker 2:No, it's not, I had to look it up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, either I asked for the test or she willingly told me let's take. I think, because of her personality, I think she was the one that said let's do a test, you know. So that's what I remember. That remember that, yeah. So we decided to do a test. She was living out of the country at the time because she's married her husband's in the military, so she was living out of the country and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna buy this test, we're gonna do it and I'll send it out to her and then they said the test would take two to four weeks something like that yeah, do you remember how long the test took?
Speaker 2:I think it was two weeks Okay For the turnaround for me to send it to her, get her swab, she send it back and then I sent it to the lab.
Speaker 1:And then Lyndon told me he goes. We are not discussing this with anyone. He goes please. And he's asking me please do not talk to anyone about this.
Speaker 1:Not even your best friend to anyone about this, not even your best friend. And then I said, no, I have to talk to my best friend. I'm like I have, please let me tell her what's going on, because it's interesting Cause I think if it would happen, if it happened now, we would definitely have our people we would be able to talk to about it and trust. But I think, because of what had happened before, I made the mistake and I go over that in a podcast of being careful with who you tell, and I told too many people, and I think that's what Lyndon was concerned about too. You know, we tell all these people and then it doesn't end up being true.
Speaker 1:And then Lyndon you know, what does he look like, you know? So I did tell her and I was so happy to be able to talk to her about it, but we had to hide this from our kids, so they knew something was going on with us. So I think the worst part but then also just a moment I'll never forget is so we taught bootcamp at 5am and after bootcamp, so we'd go teach. You know, put on the happy faces, we'd get in the car, we'd drive home and we would just fight and just fight and it go ahead. Were you going to say something?
Speaker 2:Yeah, we, we fought like we were in high school.
Speaker 1:It was just like we were in high school. The crazy.
Speaker 2:The crazy thing is that everything we were fighting about was things that we did to each other in high school. We weren't fighting about it was so crazy yeah. I'm like well, you did this and you broke up with me to do this.
Speaker 1:I remember saying I go, so this has been our whole relationship, you've been cheating on me your whole entire relationship. And then we brought up all these like old people and old girls. And then it's funny because I would bring up these girls and then he would tell me well, it's because you were at this party or because you were doing drugs, cause I, you know, I was FYI. If you were just listening to us right now, you got a lot of podcasts to catch up on.
Speaker 2:You need to go back.
Speaker 1:You need to go back, but I talk about that too. And then it was very surreal. I remember sitting in our driveway, the sun had just come up and all of a sudden and I can hear Lennon he kind of sounds like Charlie Brown, which you do a lot of the time when I don't feel like listening to you Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp that's what Lennon sounded like and everything kind of went. It's almost like when all I could think of is when I'm like on zoom and I I fade out the background and you can't see the background.
Speaker 1:That's what the car looked like. I, everything was faded, you were faded, and um the window was rolled down just a little bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And for some of you you're going to think this is crazy and cuckoo, but I'm going to tell you anyways. For those of you who know there's real spiritual warfare and truly believe in that, it is true and I could it was almost like evil was kind of getting into.
Speaker 1:Like working its way back into our it reminds me of, of ghost, of the movie ghost, when the the fog would come and attack the people and take their souls. Yeah, that's what I saw. I saw it with my own eyes. I could see it walk like, crawling into the window, coming into us, and at that moment it felt like someone was coming to take everything that we had built and I had really had like this epiphany oh my gosh, we're our old. We're arguing about old Vanessa, old Lyndon, who did all this hard work to rebuild who we are, to become stronger, to become better. We love Jesus more, we love each other more. We're completely different people and this 16 and 17 year old are arguing right now and I just I remember going stop. I'm like stop, Do you remember that?
Speaker 2:I remember you saying stop, what are we doing? And for some reason because normally I would argue what do you mean, what are we doing. But the way you said stop and you said what are we doing, what are you, what are we doing? Was 10 paragraphs long.
Speaker 1:Is that yeah?
Speaker 2:I understood. I understood everything that you meant in those little words what are we doing? And then we stopped.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:We like just did like when Forrest Gump is running and he's like I think I'm gonna go home now.
Speaker 1:Like that's what we did. I know we were just like that's so true. I'm just like stop. And I remember saying what are we doing? And we rebuilt so much. And I looked at Lyndon. I go you're not that little boy anymore. You were there. How could I be angry at 16, 17 year old Lyndon when you just did all these years of rebuilding? You're a man now. You're a different man than you were then. Also, you were a kid and then how can you be mad at me? I'm no longer doing drugs and partying and being this crazy. It was so absurd to me and it was like at that moment I knew God had just shown his light on us. It's almost like you had to step away from the picture and to see it better and then everything cleared up. I'm like, no, we're not doing this. God has rebuilt our marriage. Enemy is not going to take our marriage and we are going to work through this. Whatever the outcome is, we will work through it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we were done. We were done fighting, and the pain wasn't gone. I was hurting for one reason, you were hurting for a different reason. The pain didn't go away, but our arguments completely stopped after that.
Speaker 1:We stopped arguing and I think every time I started to get upset with you, I would call someone, I would call my best friend or I would pray. And then I think what was hard too is we were so used to going to our pastor for everything, and he was on a sabbatical.
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 1:He was on a sabbatical. So I'm like how are we going to do this without him?
Speaker 2:Now we have to wait for these results. Our kids know something's going on. Your kids, the people out there, your kids know you so well and when your mood changes and your energy changes, they feel that and they just know. So our kids knew something was happening. So fast forward, the two weeks go by, I did my swab, she did her swab, we sent it in and I get the results back it was like more, more.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I opened them up and 99.9% crazy match, so I was like but I think that before not I think, I know I know that before we had, I had come to a place in myself knowing that she was most likely your daughter. I needed to accept it. And so I remember, when I saw it, I wasn't. I was hopeful that she wasn't and I was still had that tiny hope. So when I saw it, I wasn't devastated. I was like okay, I prepared myself for this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I, I knew before the test came. I knew now, um, now we know. So then we had to have a talk with our kids. So we set the kids down in our living room and said, hey, all right, so we're ready to deliver this news. And here it is Just found out that you guys have an older sister who lives in Germany.
Speaker 1:And let me tell you the cutest thing, I think Sophia was like seven or eight.
Speaker 2:It was 2012 or 2013.
Speaker 1:And she, I just remember. I remember Lyndon, Our son.
Speaker 2:Our son.
Speaker 1:Oh, our son, sorry Our son, lyndon, standing up immediately and he looked like and he till this day of course he doesn't admit it, but I remember he looked like he was going to pass out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because he stood up right away.
Speaker 1:He was holding his head and he was going to pass out because he stood up right away. He was holding his head and he was holding his head and then Sophia's like yeah, and if you know Sophia, you are laughing right now she goes, yay, and she starts clapping her hands and she is so excited. She leaves the room super fast, but she's excited she's getting like her iPad. We have no idea why. Later we find out that she's telling her best friend that she's an aunt. Yeah, like she was so excited.
Speaker 1:I just want you to keep in mind that, although me and Lennon decided not to fight about this anymore, I was still not happy. I was struggling very bad with it and I think part a lot of the pain was oh my gosh, my kids and my husband share something with someone else that has nothing to do with me and for some reason, that just kept coming up in my brain like that they are not. They're related to someone else that has nothing to do with me. It was just very surreal and then I'm like no, this is not how I'm going to have grandkids. This is not, they are not my grandkids, they are not like. I just kept saying those things and I think that for some reason when I look back at the things that I was saying, because that's not me.
Speaker 1:If you know me, that's not my heart, that's not who I am, but for some reason it made it easier to be angry about it. Still, it was easier. That's an emotion I understand better than let me just take this all in, let me accept this. Let me accept that this is our life right now. You know what I mean. Like I couldn't do that.
Speaker 1:And I remember saying it one time in front of the kids and Bella is someone that will always protect me and take my side and I know she does that with me a lot, and it was very wrong of me to say this in front of her, but it came out of emotion and I remember just saying well, those are your grandkids, those are not my cause. I'm trying to protect my children and letting them know when they have kids, those are my grandkids, you know. And I think Bella was struggling with wanting to be the oldest daughter and there there was just so many emotions going on later, like there there needs to be a part two, and you know, but there there was a lot of emotions going on, and then I remember saying that, but it didn't feel good coming out of my mouth.
Speaker 1:It almost hurt me to say that to you. So then, finally, what happened was and it was such a big moment in my life and it's till this day I talked about it at Thanksgiving to my mom.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And of course I, of course I will, I will be able to get through this Finally, pastor, our pastor is not on sabbatical anymore.
Speaker 2:We were like waiting at his front door, like it's about time you got back.
Speaker 1:And we told him and of course I, I. I so remember him not being surprised either. And now me and Linden, we're at the age where we're not surprised when people tell us things that were just like okay, and we want people to be surprised. We were like, can you believe this? But anyway, so we told him and then I looked at him, I go, what do I do? Like I don't know my role. Who am I? Like I, I feel like I really knew what my role was. I'm, I'm Lyndon, bella Sophia's mom. I'm Lyndon's wife. You know, like what is my role in this?
Speaker 1:And he said to me, he said, okay, if this happened to you even though I understand it's impossible, he's like, but if you found out you had a daughter, you just found out you had a daughter, the first. He's like, think about how you would feel. Like, how would that make you feel? I'm just like, oh my gosh, if I had a daughter out there, like I don't know Part of it. I like I don't know part of it. I just I had joy, like the moment he said that. And then he goes.
Speaker 1:Okay, and he goes now, what would you want from your husband? What would you want? And I go, I would just want him to love her as much as I do. That it was like it just spelled. It flew out of my mouth so fast and so easily. I knew that that's what I wanted. And then he looked at me. He was like that's all you have to do. He's like you just have to love her and you just have to love those kids. And he's like and you get to do that, like you get to do that, you get to have. And I remember, finally, this huge sigh of relief was like I get, I can just love her, like I'm allowed to do that. I'm not going to hurt anybody if I love her, you know.
Speaker 2:And that's kind of for me like being so concerned about you, and it's like I wanted to force you to accept her. I wanted you, I wanted to force you to accept the kids, because it's nobody's fault, but 17 year old me. So why can't you just, why can't you just and that was me being selfish and me wanting everyone to be this big happy family. Like you know, we found this out Now we're going to be this big happy family. Like you know, we found this out Now we're going to be this big happy family. You need to figure out your emotions, and so what I was mentioning before about how God steps in, so at that time of all of this, your friend Deanna was getting married.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I also forgot to say one thing about Bella that was really important. That really stuck out to me is that when we sorry I'm backtracking a little bit, but it's important is when our kids did find out, and Lyndon, my son, is like action mode and my son loves family and he wanted to like be on a plane to go meet her immediately and of course, sophia was just so happy. She's like, oh my gosh, more to the family, you know. And Bella, who was struggling a little bit more and I saw her crying and I'm just like, are you okay? Are you okay?
Speaker 1:And I'll never forget her saying this and it was the most beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, humbling, like purest thing that a child could say she goes, I am so sad that she didn't get to have our dad be her dad for this many years and till this day, I'm just like how beautiful is that? She's not even thinking about it was. I thought she was crying about something else. She was so sad that she didn't get you for all these years, and that was so beautiful and so pure, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's hard when you're in a place where something you did so long ago is coming up and there's nothing you can do to make it not happen.
Speaker 2:Like yeah there's no way I can go back and be like I know you're pregnant, you know what I mean, like it's done, yeah. So just trying to navigate through all of that. And then you, your friend Deanna, getting married at that time. She's she's getting married in her wedding in Maui and Maui she's getting married in in Maui. And I think the timing of that was so perfect, my goodness, because you and I needed some time apart. I needed some time to sit in this and think about everything that I have done and what I need to do, moving forward with all of this and taking care of you and taking care of my kids and taking care of Brittany, and just kind of.
Speaker 1:And we're also not good at separating from each other when we need time. We're just not. We're not good at that. We can't do that. It's like we have to try to figure things out together, and it was a first of all, maui I'm in paradise, yeah. And second of all, with my best friends.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Like I couldn't have been with more perfect people.
Speaker 2:And why wasn't I there? Because we had a boot, so we had extra bills and I could not afford to buy a ticket to go with you. So you went. I couldn't even afford to go. I got so much help with that. Yeah, yeah, we actually ended up making payments to one of your friends, yeah, so that happened.
Speaker 2:So now we're, we're in this, the kids know, our pastor knows, some of the body of our church knows, and I'm sitting in it and you go to Maui and I'm here. So I thought about a lot of stuff and I remember one. I remember one thing that happened which we talk about. Which was funny is I went to Victorville and I told that side of my family.
Speaker 2:So at that time a big part of my family lived up in Victorville, in, you know, in the desert of California, and I was visiting with them and I remember I was sitting on the stairs in my niece's house and she was having a. It was a baby shower or a baby birthday or something like that. And I remember it was so hot in there because my family it's not all about air conditioning, like when we grew up, it was like in or out of the house, turn the air conditioning off. You know what I mean. So that kind of like was instilled to us not to use your air conditioning. So there was no air conditioning going on in this house. I'm sitting on the stairs and I'm sweating and I'm hot and I just want some water, but the only thing in the drink was like Kool-Aid or something like that, and I'm just sitting on the stairs by myself and you called me and you and I are just talking and you're like, yeah, I'm having a good time and I remember you saying, oh shoot, where is my pineapple?
Speaker 1:It's like a script. It's because when you're on a resort and I was happened to be blessed enough to be in a resort you have a pineapple shaped cup that you buy and you can refill it, and that pineapple is every cause. It's like 30 bucks and then the refill is still expensive. It's Maui the reef and you get to refill it. So you get like a discount and I thought I lost my pineapple. So I'm like, oh my gosh, you're never going to believe what happened.
Speaker 1:He thought like the worst has happened. I'm like I cannot find my pineapple. It was just funny because he's in the debt. Yeah, so you are in the, because it was July or something.
Speaker 2:Well, it was middle of summer, yeah, but I just, I just feel like that's God's sense of humor in this. Like you know, I'm not punishing you, but just so you know, your wife is concerned about her pineapple and he's doing okay. You are just trying to get some water.
Speaker 1:And I. That was when I decided that, okay, I'm in. I remember going out to the ocean and going out to there every morning and just praying and spending time with God, and I felt like God said, okay, it's time for you to write her, like you need to write to her. Every step that I took that God wanted me to take, I was kind of trusting him, not knowing where it was going to lead me, but I knew that this anger that I still had, this bitterness that I still had, I feel like it would start to diminish with each step, you know. So I felt like this letter was a big deal and it was a Facebook message. Brittany had said that someone in her life had told her not to reach out because you know people I guess knew of us, knew of our family, and they said we were this perfect family, which cracks me up. They said we were this perfect family and you would ruin our lives if you did that.
Speaker 2:If she reached out to us, if she reached out to us.
Speaker 1:she would ruin our lives and I remember telling then you had to tell my mom, but my mom helped so much because my mom was like more family, yeah.
Speaker 1:It was just like because we don't want to get into my family history and my grandfather, but she was like this is more family to love. My mom was like so excited about it. You know, yeah, and it's just so funny like so excited about it. You know, yeah, and it's just so funny when I think about it, anyways, and so my mom is the one that said to me she's like how sad that someone told her that she would, that her life would ruin someone else's life. So that stuck out to me.
Speaker 1:So it was the first thing I wanted to say to her was hi, brittany, you know, this is Vanessa, and and I don't remember everything that was said in it, but I remember that I just had told her I, first and foremost, I want you to understand that your life is a gift and that I am so excited to get to know you. I'm excited to get to know my grandkids, because they're your grandkids, they are my grandkids as well, and that your life, your, your life, is going to add more joy, and more joy to our life, and that you're adding to the family You're not taking away, and that we're so excited to get to know you. And I just wanted to know, and I'm going to be completely transparent right now when I was writing it, I was writing it also in the hopes that I would completely 100% someday feel this, because I didn't feel it right away, but I knew I needed to write it. I do, from the moment that I said it do mean that her life is not meant to ruin anyone else.
Speaker 1:I had never believed that for an instant, you know, and she didn meant to ruin anyone else. I never believed that for an instant, you know, and she didn't ruin our lives. I've never felt that, ever. But I really wanted her to know that we were excited. We were excited to meet her, because I can't even imagine how terrifying that was of her, you know to.
Speaker 1:So I just wanted her to know that she's loved, and then something funny, and then we'll end with this because we do have to have a part two. There's so much more and I think it was in the letter. I can't remember exactly when I said it, but I said you know what this kind of reminds me of, cause I wanted to bring humor to it, and Elf is one of my favorite. Elf is one of our favorite movies and I said this just reminds me of the movie elf. And one of the little things that I noticed when I was watching elf was the wife in the movie. I remember when he tells his wife I have the son, and I remember she's walking down. She's like, oh my gosh, this is so exciting. And I remember like watching it before, obviously for all this, and going, oh my, she's the sweetest woman in the world, she's all excited he has a son.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I want to be like that. I know that seems silly, but so I'm like oh, you're like my, you're like our little baby elf. So till this day she calls me mama elf, I call her baby elf, the kids call me grandma elf, the kids call me grandma elf, and I just thought that was cute.
Speaker 2:It was a cute way to like, add humor and some love to it, you know? Yeah, so we're going to, we're going to close out, we're going to do a part two. But the last thing I wanted to say is her and I started texting every day, all day, and I remember you getting a little irritated with that because it was so much, but it was like both of us had. We were trying to catch up on so much stuff and learn so much about each other and we were just texting 20, 30 times every single day. And then she ghosted me. So in our part two I'm going to talk about why she ghosted me, what she went through with her family, that they weren't happy that she had reached out, and how we handled that. I mean, it was a tough thing to handle. It was so hard on her. So we'll fill you in on that, how we got through that.
Speaker 1:It was definitely a process. It wasn't all perfect. It took a while.
Speaker 2:It took a while and we are not going to get too into her side of the family, you know as much as I would want to Out of respect for her. We're going to respect her and that's her story to tell. But we will touch on it a little bit and we'll talk about the first day that we got to meet in person. We'll talk about where we are now.
Speaker 1:Why she ended up having courage. Yes, it's crazy, you guys. There's so much more that is so crazy. The fact that she lived in the same city of as a same oh yeah, I mean there's so much. I'm going to just give one spoiler. She went to the same school as our son.
Speaker 2:At the same time.
Speaker 1:At the same time. Okay, okay.
Speaker 2:We're going to, yeah, so, um, in closing, thank you so much for hanging out with us, for getting through all of this with us.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:The a. A big part of the story is that in your marriage, stuff can always, always hit you and you always have to be prepared.
Speaker 1:Maybe not this big.
Speaker 2:You always have to stay ready. I mean, this isn't that uncommon.
Speaker 1:I know You're right.
Speaker 2:You're right. So just stay ready. Don't revert back to your old ways, like I was going to do, because that would have been just a huge mistake. So just always be prepared, protect your marriage, continue to communicate with your spouse and tell them everything. So when surprises hit You're prepared, you're ready. You guys walk through it together.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:All right, so part two will be out soon. Thank you for hanging out with us. Thank you. If you haven't left us a rating and review, please do so.
Speaker 1:It helps the show so much, unless it's a bad review. We don't do bad reviews.
Speaker 2:Well.
Speaker 1:It's true? I hope not. Why would they waste their time? People do Okay, well, we don't need that.
Speaker 2:Well, of course, they don't do bad reviews because we need it. They do it to be mean, you know, they could just not say anything, but something just want to be trolls and be mean, and you know they're out there. So, anyhow, we'd love to get a radiant review and if you have any questions, please go to our Instagram. Remix your Marriage pod Aren't we on YouTube now hun.
Speaker 2:We are also on YouTube. You can leave a comment on YouTube, Remix your Marriage on YouTube, but there's no video yet, but that will be coming in the near future. And again, questions, comments, messages.
Speaker 1:If you have any questions about this story because I know that this is our story and we've told people before and there's things we leave out Any comments you have on this, you know I shouldn't say that I will always take constructive criticism. There, I wanted to clear that up real quick. There you go. Yeah, will always take constructive criticism. There I wanted to clear that up real quick. There you go. Yeah, anything like that. Just let us know you can DM us on Instagram, and then they can also message us on YouTube.
Speaker 2:Message us on YouTube. Yeah, you can email us. We got it all. You can connect.
Speaker 1:How are you guys? I'm excited about part two.
Speaker 2:Happy 35th anniversary of when we first saw each other in the eyes and knew we liked each other.
Speaker 1:I think we should celebrate by taking dance lessons.
Speaker 2:I'll give you a dance lesson right now. The forbidden dance oh my gosh. All right, y'all.
Speaker 1:It's not linen if we don't end with dad jokes, that's right.
Speaker 2:Love hard. Bye, peace Bye.