Why your toddler keeps pushing boundaries (and what to do instead of repeating yourself all day) #78

If your 3–5 year old refuses to listen, tests every rule, and melts down when you get stricter… this is what’s actually going on...

If you feel like you’re saying the same thing 20 times a day—“stop jumping,” “come here,” “we’re leaving”—and your child still pushes back, this video will help you understand why. What looks like defiance or disrespect is actually a normal part of brain development, especially in toddlers and preschoolers. We’ll break down what’s happening beneath the behavior (impulse control, autonomy, emotional regulation) and why common strategies like repeating, warning, or getting stricter often make things worse—not better. 

What You’ll Learn

•  Why toddlers and preschoolers naturally test boundaries (and why it’s not personal) 
•  The mistake most parents make when kids don’t listen—and why it backfires 
•  How to hold firm boundaries without escalating the situation
•  A simple shift that reduces power struggles and gets more cooperation 
•  What to say (and do) in the moment when your child ignores you 

This approach is grounded in developmental psychology and what we know about how kids’ brains actually work—not just what sounds good in theory. The goal isn’t to make kids obedient or “perfect,” but to help you stay calm, reduce constant battles, and raise kids who can eventually regulate themselves.

If you’re tired of second-guessing yourself, repeating everything, or feeling like every day is a power struggle, this channel is here to make parenting feel simpler and more doable. Subscribe if you want practical tools that actually work in real life—especially in those hard, in-the-moment situations.

Transcript

The Couch Jump Boundary Problem

Jon @WholeParent 0:00

The first thing you hear is the thud. Small pair of feet hitting the floor again. You look up from the kitchen and there he is again, standing on the very edge of the couch. Like he's about to launch himself into orbit. You already told him three times not to jump off off the couch because he's gonna wake up his little brother. You make eye contact, you repeat yourself again, and then he jumps. Not even sneaky about it either, just not even pretending that he didn't hear you. Just a quick little glance in your direction, like, yep, I know. And then off the couch he goes. And in that moment, the thought flashes through your mind that almost every parent has had at some point. Why does my kid push every single boundary? And after a while, it starts to feel personal. Like your kid woke up this morning thinking, how can I test my parents today? If that thought has ever crossed your mind even once, then this episode is for you. Because what looks like defiance on the surface is actually something much deeper happening underneath. And today, we're gonna talk about exactly why kids push boundaries so relentlessly and why the strategies that most of us were raised on will often make the problem worse rather than better. Let's get into it. So before I read our question today, um, I'll give you another little life update. Uh first life update is kind of silly, and that's that this is actually the second time I've recorded this podcast episode, because the first time I recorded, I recorded the podcast episode with no audio. How is that even possible? Well, I'm doing this thing now where I'm trying to record these as video podcasts. And so if you're watching this on YouTube or on my Substack or inside the membership, uh, first of all, hey, how are you doing? Thanks for subscribing on Substack or inside the membership. Um, but you can actually see the videos now. And in the process, to do that, I had to build this really cool YouTube studio in my basement, which has been awesome. And it sounds really amazing, provided that I actually turned the sound on. And so I was so fixated in getting the video just right that somehow like the audio jack into the camera was just like a little bit loose. And voila, the audio completely failed when I was trying to record. And I got through like 10 minutes, I even tested it, right? Like I got through like 10 minutes of the podcast episode and it sounded great and it looked great. And then all of a sudden, the audio just cut out entirely. And I don't know why, like I think it's like a little loose jack. But anyway, I had to completely rework the system. And so if this podcast episode sounds like a little bit like I've said all this before or like it's boring to me in some way, I promise it's not, but it is because uh I have already recorded all of my thoughts on this once. Maybe I'll just be more efficient getting to the point. But uh yeah, that's that's what I got. You know, and if I haven't talked to you about this yet, it's a lot of this has to do with the membership opening back up soon. And it's gonna open up with all of these really cool courses inside of it. And I'm selling a new product soon. That's like a standalone uh mini course that you can buy. And really, I'm just gonna pack the the membership is changing into like a course library because so many people have asked me for so long, like, John, I want to get your potty training course, or I want your tantrums course, or I want your how to talk to kids about death course, or like all of these different courses that I've done and workshops that I've done over the years. And I have this membership, and it's like, oh, wait, why am I not just putting everything in this? So I've created a bunch, I've like systematized and organized and with the new studio, we've actually re-recorded a bunch of like our best courses. We've streamlined them down so that they're really actionable. And I'm sending those off. Those are being edited right now, but soon the membership is gonna open back up with all of those inside. And uh, if you want more information about that, I'm sure I'm gonna be talking about it soon. But without further to say about that, wait for without further ado, that's what I want to say. Our question today comes from, unsurprisingly, the membership, because they get all their questions answered first. And it comes from Malcolm, who DM'd me this question or some variation of this question. And we went back and forth about it a lot inside the DMs. He, I don't think Malcolm, I've I'm asking you like you're here with me. I don't think Malcolm's ever joined a group coaching session. Um, I think you just watch him after the fact, if that's right, Malcolm. But anyway, uh he DM'd me this question and I asked him if I could put it on the podcast. And he said, Yeah, I'd love to hear a longer response to that. But I actually send voice notes in the membership to people asking me questions. So there's a little feature inside the membership where somebody can like DM me a question and then I can record a voice note. So it's like a podcast episode just for you, for your kid. Uh, but again, only available to members. Anyway, we went back and forth on this, but I'm putting it into one podcast episode. And if you're wondering why we're only talking about one question today, it's because uh I'm trying to keep these episodes a little bit shorter and include more stuff about my life and and kind of like stuff going on. So it's not just like rapid-fire back-to-back questions. And I think that's more sustainable long term, and it's also uh a better way for me to answer these. So here is the question from DM from Malcolm. He says, uh, why does my kid push every boundary like it's his full-time job? My son just turned four, and it's like the moment that he wakes up, he's testing stuff. It's constant negotiating or pushing or whining about the rule that has literally been a rule forever. I feel like I'm repeating myself all day and it's exhausting, but it feels like if the stricter I get, uh, the more he digs in. Is there anything that I can do to make this a little less constant? I swear I spend half my day saying the same thing over and over. Uh yeah, I am right with you, Malcolm. Uh, as I've as we talked about. Is there anything that you can do? Yes, there is something that you can do. That's what we're gonna talk about today. And I just want to start by saying, whenever I hear a parent say something like, My kid pushes every boundary like it's their full-time job, I actually want to think to myself, yes, actually, it is their full-time job. Testing limits is literally one of the primary ways that young children learn how the world works. So when you look at what's happening developmentally inside your child's brain, the behavior that often feels the most exhausting to you is actually making way much sense, like total sense for them in that moment. And so I want to just start there, right? At four years old, and I also have a four-year-old at home, uh, your child's brain is very much still like under construction. Like all of the signs are still up. Uh, if you're if you live in Cook County in Illinois where I live, uh there's constant construction everywhere. And there's just like some areas that just feel like they're under construction for decades, right? There are certain streets that you drive past and you're like, that street, I don't think I've ever seen that street open full lanes of traffic. That's your child's brain, right? The prefrontal cortex in their brain, which is the part of their brain that's responsible for impulse control, which is basically what we're talking about today, as well as flexible thinking and pausing before they act, again, what we're talking about today. And moral thinking, relational thinking, empathetic thinking, perspective taking, all of these things that go into healthy relationships and decision making, those parts of their brain are the last to develop. Like literally, they are the last part of your child that will mature, period. They are going to mature later than every other part of their body, not just in their brain, their whole body. And this continues literally for decades. So in their mid-20s, your child's four now, he still has 20 years of development in those parts of his brain until he's fully developed. Meanwhile, the parts of his brain that are driving curiosity, that are seeking novelty all the time, that are looking for like rewards, especially in the dopamine system, when uh they're doing something that they know is going to get a triggered response out of you, like those parts are fully active. They're like fully online. And so, in simple terms, your child's brain is actually wired to explore and test and experiment more than follow directions. And it's one of the easiest experiments available in a child's word world, right? Like, what happens if I do the thing that my dad, Malcolm? Well, if he doesn't think of you as Malcolm, I do, dad tells me that I'm not supposed to do, right? And when your child looks at you and then does exactly what you told them not to do, it feels often to us like it triggers in us this idea that like they're being defiant or disrespectful or even like mocking us in some way. But neurologically, it's actually closer to them just being little experimenters. They're like scientifically testing. So you said the rule, and their brain asks, like, is this rule real? Like, what's gonna happen if I break it? And the only way that they're gonna be able to answer that question is through experimentation by trying it. And this is why you can say the same boundary 10 times in a day, and it still gets tested again and again and again. Your child isn't like ignoring you in the ways that we as adults might be ignoring someone if we were acting in the same way. Like if the behavior that an adult, if a behavior uh that a four-year-old does, an adult was doing, like we would be right to assume that that was mockery. But in in their case, it's just because their brain's still developing, right? And it's still trying to figure out like the rule maps of the world. And repetition is one of the main ways that those neural networks are being built. But there's also another really important piece to this. You mentioned something that so many parents like say all the time, which is when I get stricter, the more my child seems to dig in. And that pattern actually shows up consistently in research uh on something that we call psychological reactance. Reactance is in short terms, right, like the brain's response when it perceives the loss of autonomy. And uh, I was just learning about this this week when I'm I'm in the midst of a PhD in developmental psychology. I'm still doing my coursework phase of that. And adults feel this way too, right? But it's especially true with kids. It's Eric Erickson, the work of Eric Erickson, if you're if you're interested. But basically, when you you hear somebody say, like, you're absolutely not allowed to do that, there is a part of your brain that immediately goes, like, I want to do exactly that thing that somebody told me not to do. Uh, kids experience this way more because the autonomy that they are trying to enact in those moments is central development, right? This is Eric Erickson, for those who don't know, is this guy who came along. He was actually a consultant on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood because he was at the University of Pittsburgh with Dr. Spock, like the world-renowned, famed guy who wrote like the best-selling children's or uh parenting book of all time. And uh he was kind of kind of trying to uh uh update Freud's work because Freud was like all this weird stuff about like just like overly obsessive about sex and sexuality and how that relates to development. And Eric Erickson came along and was like, okay, like I think kids go through stages of development, but like maybe not like that. And this kind of coincided with other people, Albert Ben Dorup. Anyway, that's boring. You don't need you don't care about that. But one of the things that he talks about is this idea that one of the big key shifts that kids that are your son's age are going through is this drive for autonomy versus like shame and doubt, right? Am I like, do am I able to be an autonomous person? And that's like part of what goes into like understanding their self sense of self. They're just trying to figure that out. So they're asking, like, do I have power? Can I make things happen? And rules that feel overly controlling, again, they may not be, but in your child's brain, they feel that way. Like their brain is not thinking, like, okay, well, I guess I should cooperate with this. Often it thinks like, no, I need to push back so that I know that I still exist as my own person. And like this just has to do with them being four and like new neural networks being built. But it doesn't mean that like our response to that is that boundaries disappear. In fact, kids really need boundaries deeply, they need them. Um, but how those boundaries are delivered, like how we do that, matters a lot. And this is why the more strict we get, often the more resistance we're met with. So, what we can do when this actually shows up in real life is number one, shift away from repeating rules to just holding boundaries calmly. When kids feel like we're not listening, uh, or when we, I should say, when we feel like they're not listening, like when they feel like we're not listening, something else happens. But when we feel like they're not listening, we we really want to repeat ourselves a lot. Like it's an urge, again, because if it was an adult and they weren't listening to us, probably repeating is the right action. I talk about in a course that I just recorded for the membership how to get your kids to listen the first time you ask. And like a huge part of it is this our urge is to repeat and or or explain or lecture or give it teeth. But the more we lecture, the more we warn, the more words our four-year-olds have to hear and internalize and understand. And it actually weakens the boundary because the brain starts to essentially tune all of this out. And actually, the more times you warn a kid, the more times you repeat a rule, the more they just learn to tune you out because they know like I don't have to really listen the first time because they're gonna say it five more times. So instead, you what you should try, and what we talked about is is try one, a short, clear statement, and then immediately with follow-through. So, in the case of like a kid, this was happening with my four-year-old today, he was just kind of in an elevated mood after being at um taekwondo class with his brothers, and he was just like throwing books around. And I was like, okay, books are for reading. If you throw the book, I have to put the book away so that we can be safe with the book. Period. And then when throwing immediately happened, I calmly followed through with that, right? So I said, okay, I see that we're still throwing. I'm gonna go ahead and put the book away now. And it was not a punishment, it was not even really a consequence. It was holding a boundary and establishing a rule and refusing to allow that behavior to continue because I knew if it did, I would get escalated. And in this case, you cannot escalate. Like you're not escalating the energy of the moment when you hold a very simple boundary. You are escalating the moment when you pile on. You have to make the boundary real without escalating. Uh, number two, you have to build cooperation. And this happens not in the moment, but actually beforehand, right? So many parents think that your kids should cooperate simply by virtue of the fact that they're a kid and you're an adult. And this comes from like some obedience mindset stuff and some command-demand, authoritarian parenting stuff that many of us were brought up with. But actually, what we know is that kids cooperate more reliably when they feel connected first, right? So when we connect with them first, in even really small ways, like eye contact, kneeling down, just like touching them on the shoulder for like a second, um, instead of calling at them across the room, we know that like the the then the instruction is going to land very differently. So you said you start instead of saying, hey, stop that, you say, Hey, come here for a second, or you physically walk over and get into their space. And once you have that moment of connection where you're connecting with them, then you give the the request, or it's really the command. I don't like calling it a command, but it's the the boundary and the follow-through, right? So uh when we're trying to leave for taekwondo, we've been late a couple times recently. So I know like we got to get ready on time. And when we say it's time to get ready, we it needs to be. So I said, it's time to get ready. Nobody moved. I walked over to my five-year-old. I put my hands on his shoulders and he was eye contact with me. He's my slowest one. He's the one who has to get ready first because it's gonna take him a really long time to put his shoes and socks on and stuff. And I don't want to rush him. And I say, shoes time. Do you want to hop like a kangaroo over the shoes or do you want to stomp like a dinosaur? It sounds so ridiculous, but because I'm giving him something in that moment that his brain craves, right? Which is a piece of autonomy, which is inside the boundary, which is actually taking away his autonomy. He wanted to keep playing, but it was time to go. I had to give him some autonomy inside of the thing that I was taking away, right? But the rule stayed. He just got to have a sense of agency within that rule. And I can't tell you how much clearer and quicker that is. And so for you, when it's, you know, throwing the books or whatever, right? Do you want to put the book over here? Which do you want to read this book or this book? Books are not for throwing, but we can read it. Do you want to sit here or here while we read it? Oh, you don't want to read a book right now? Okay, let's go to the oh, let's go. You want to throw something? Let's go get a ball and let's throw it. Like give them, if if you have to invoke the boundary, just give that behavior a better outlet.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

Third, and this is huge.

Reinforce Cooperation With Attention

Sturdy Parenting With Empathy

Ratings Sharing And Substack Support

Jon @WholeParent 20:31

Um, please, please, please, even if you do this stuff, expect that the testing is still gonna happen. Like just plan for it. One of the most helpful mental shifts that I walk parents through is instead of thinking, like, why is my kid doing this again? Try thinking, of course, this is happening. Like, expect the unexpected, or I guess expect the expected. Like, this is what four-year-olds do. Just expect it. And when we expect the testing, it stops feeling like this personal disrespectful attack or the mockery or whatever. And so bedtime is a great example with this, right? Um, things at bedtime tend to stack up. So you get like the water requests or the extra hugs or the bathroom trips, like, oh, I forgot to go to the bathroom. These are like the classic delay tactics that kids use, but it's not because they're like scheming or manipulating it, you or trying to manipulate you, it's because bedtime transitions are transitions away from connection. So in those cases, you say something like, okay, uh, we're gonna do one hug and one water, and then lights out and make that like a consistent routine. But then you can add the rule here, like you can add the boundary. After that, bodies stay in bed. And then when the next request comes, like, I know you want another cup of water. Well, we'll have water tomorrow. We already had water tonight. It's time for us to rest. Like just consistency. And the kid, and I don't I don't want to make like this too, too strict because again, like, don't deny your kid water if they're like really needing it, but you know that these like or or or you could say, hey, you you need to stay, you know, you have to stay in your bed, but I'll bring you a small cup of water. You have to stay there though. The key is consistency, right? Without emotion emotional escalation. That's the key. So fourth, I want to look for uh the moments, right? Or like last, I guess, I want to look for the moments when your child is gonna cooperate anyway. So um, this is really important. I don't know why I almost missed this, but uh kids' brains are incredibly sensitive to attention. So the more attention they receive for a given thing, the more they're gonna want to do that thing. And if the most attention they're receiving is only during conflict, then their brain is gonna start to repeat behaviors that bring on conflict because that they bring with it attention. So when you see cooperation, even like tiny bits, name it. And this, by the way, is also why we're gonna be boring when we have to enforce rules, is because we don't when we escalate, that feels like attention and it feels like um stimulation. I don't even want to call it attention, I want to call it like stimulation, right? When you stimulate the brain, it like craves that stimulation. So you can just you don't have to overpraise here, but you can just, you know, hey, you put on your shoes when I asked you to. That really helped us get out the door on time. Uh you stopped climbing when I reminded you that you weren't supposed to climb uh the bookshelf at the library. Your body listened to me. Thank you. That's not praise in the traditional sense. Uh it's actually just spotlighting the behaviors that you're trying to like have their brain repeat, like you're adding stimulation. And I think if I'm gonna end this episode here, which I'm trying to kind of come to a conclusion, I I I think one of the things, and I've kind of alluded to this up to this point, but I haven't like really gone into it, is that the one piece that we often get stuck on is that voice from our own childhood, right? Um, through DMs, you mentioned that your parents who are still in your kids' life, which is great. I'm glad for that for you, said that you needed to be firmer. And uh many parents today are navigating something that's really hard, which is trying to parent differently than how we were raised while still learning to hold boundaries. And because our parents and previous generations before that often le like leaned so heavily on these obedience and authority paradigms, I feel like we often want emotional health and connection. And respect more than that. And so it feels like we have to choose. When the reality is, right? Like the truth is that healthy parenting isn't about permissiveness. Like it isn't permissiveness. And it isn't authoritarianism, like it's sturdiness. And a sturdy parent says, I understand you wanted this, and the boundary is still here. So that combination of empathy plus like holding your ground is actually what helps kids internalize limits over time. And if your child feels like you are constantly out there to be tested, and if your child feels like they can just push you, right, they're actually they're actually gonna feel less concerned about the world. I'm trying to like put that in a in a in a clear way. It's hard for me to like put into words, but but like kids know that we're supposed to be in charge. They get that and they want us to lead. And so I just I want to encourage you that like your kid will be happier if you lead. Like they want you to lead. So if it feels like your child wakes up and is thinking, like, okay, how am I gonna test dad today? I want you to know like you're not alone. What's actually happening is something that's really ordinary and like good for them. It's them practicing independence. And they're checking where the edges of that independence of their world are constantly. And every time you calmly hold the boundary, uh, you're actually helping their brain learn something incredibly important that the world has limits and that you are going to be a steady, sturdy presence in their life to hold those limits and help them. And I think that's where I want to end this because actually when we are at our best, not permissive and not overly like harsh and stern and authoritarian, when we hold boundaries with empathy and compassion, we teach our kids such a powerful lesson. Um, not that like we're in charge or that they need to be obedient, but that like they're here in the world with us, and this is what it looks like sometimes. Anyway, hope that helps. This has been an episode of the podcast, I guess, and I'll see you in the next one. Thank you for your time listening to the whole parent podcast today. I hope you got something out of it. I have a couple quick favors to ask of you as we end the episode. 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Thank you so much for listening to this episode, and I'll see you next time.