Strike Hard, Strike Fast, No Mercy (Jess + Jon) #79

Jess and Jon talk about tae kwon do, obedience, and navigating different cultural values with kids

Transcript

Popcorn And A Family Movie Test

Jon @WholeParent 0:08

Welcome to the popcorn. No, that is the rapper from the popcorn that I made for our kids while we watched Karate Kid tonight.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

What did they think of it?

Jon @WholeParent 0:19

Um Ollie was afraid before the movie started that it was going to be too boring. I asked him. We watched 30 minutes of it, and I was like, so what'd you think? And he was like, I think I was right. It was too boring.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Did Matt like it though?

Jon @WholeParent 0:38

Yeah, Matt Matt was like, it's moving a little slow for me. I was like, well, this is kind of your first grown-up movie. And he was like, but it's only PG. And I was like, right, but it this movie was made for adults. And then I got to think about that. I was like, I don't know if it was really like it was made for like middle schoolers, high schoolers. Yeah. Not like adults personally.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

So what prompted uh this movie night?

Jon @WholeParent 1:01

Well, um, yeah, great question. I'd love to tell you. So basically at 6 30 every night, our middle goes to bed, our four-year-old goes to bed. And we have used this time, we've gone no screens with our four-year-old during the day. And so we've used this time as like screen time for the older kids. And for a while we were doing like party games on the Switch together, so like Mario Kart and like even like Pokemon and stuff like that, and we would like take turns, but like it was like a it was like a family effort, collaborative effort. And then they wanted to use iPads, and I was like, okay, we can do that. And so for two nights in a row, they just kind of everybody like went off and did their own thing with headphones on, including like me scrolling on my phone.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

Wait, but you have Margot.

Jon @WholeParent 1:53

I know I do have my baby too, but she's like so independent at night. I think she like knows bedtime's coming and she like I feel like all of our kids kind of did that.

Why Screen Time Felt Off

SPEAKER_01 2:01

We're like right when it's gonna be nap time or bedtime, they kind of like become really independent and kind of like best behavior kind of thing. So totally. I know it's probably just psychological for us, like we just think that, but somehow that feels like that's been true on with multiple kids.

Jon @WholeParent 2:16

Well, they're just like don't pay attention to me. Like, I'm I'm not here. Yeah, exactly. I'm not I'm not here.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

But how could they possibly know?

Karate Kid Meets Taekwondo Reality

Jon @WholeParent 2:21

I don't know. I think I feel it in their body. So she like gets out her Tony box and she's literally turns it on herself, puts the Tonies on it. Um, and she's doing her thing. So, like for two nights we were just like kind of all in our own little worlds, and I didn't feel great about that, even though it's not like a lot of screen time. So I was like, Okay, so like for our half hour tonight, what if we do something together? And I was like, we guys want to play Switch again together, or should we just like talk, or what should we do? And Matt, our oldest, was like, No, I think movie night, movie night's the thing I want to do. And so we talked about movie night, and we had talked in the abstract a couple days ago about watching Karate Kid, and he was like, Yeah, let's watch Karate Kid. I want to watch Karate Kid. So uh my five and a half year old was like, uh, I don't know about this, but yeah, so that's what prompted movie night was they're in taekwondo and they they've just they're they're just finishing their first month of taekwondo, and hence we were talking about karate kid and is karate kid like similar vibes to like what they're experiencing in their taekwondo class? Well is it like very like strict and stern and like Well, yeah, so that's you know, I'm not gonna describe the whole plot of Karate Kid, but yes, I mean I mean I've seen it, I just don't have a great memory for anything, but especially movies. So yeah, so the I mean the basic premise is this kid moves from from New Jersey to California and has culture shock and is bullied, and at one point he tries to join the karate like early in the movie, we already saw it this part, we're only 25 minutes in. He tries to join the karate studio in town in the valley, and the karate studio is run by this former military guy, this like former karate marine karate champion champion, who's the villain really of the movie. And so he, you know, can is it similar? Well, it's similar in that they're in a dojo. Is it similar in that I mean our sensei at our taekwondo studio, our master, does not scream, strike hard, strike fast, no mercy.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

As soon as the kid leave the student, he's not doesn't stay in the class.

Jon @WholeParent 4:25

No, as soon as he sees that the class is like the the the main kid in the class, like the leader of the class on the student side is the kid who's bullying him. He just like gets out. Okay, he like runs away, and then they follow him home and push him off his bike, and he falls down a hill and busts his head open. And so that's kind of like where we are. But yeah, they like it is similar in that, and as soon as that scene came on, our five and a half-year-old Demet was like, Oh, this is just like Taekwondo.

SPEAKER_02 4:52

Okay.

Jon @WholeParent 4:53

So he like definitely identified that right away. But Matt was like, Well, except for their screaming, pain does not exist in this dojo. Uh so yeah, it but it was it was an enjoyable thing to watch, but I don't know that we're gonna finish the movie.

Underscheduling And The Buddy Day Hook

SPEAKER_01 5:08

I think that happens with a lot of movies. I feel like this that even when we try.

Jon @WholeParent 5:12

Even when we try, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:13

Yeah, our kids have had kind of mixed feelings about Taekwondo. I mean, they've done other organized sports and activities and stuff, not a lot, to be honest. I mean, like, literally, Matt did soccer.

Jon @WholeParent 5:27

Yes, like rec league, but not travel or anything like that.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

Like Polly, like, was signed up for a two-year-old run and fun class at the rec center for like three weeks several years ago.

Jon @WholeParent 5:38

Like, is this his first organized? I think this is his first like foyer.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

Yeah, we're definitely like leaning towards the whole like don't overschedule your kids thing.

Jon @WholeParent 5:48

We're definitely underscheduling our kids.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Well, it's because we are so like lucky to have like the situation where we have like best friend neighbors right next door, so they're just like free-for-all playing in the backyard every single day, basically until sunset, like in the summer and stuff. So it's like anything that we choose is is like sacrificing that because it's always at that time that like those kids can play. So I don't know, maybe it would be different if we didn't have them, but it's been interesting to watch like Ollie navigate like this different environment. I mean, he goes to like part-time school at Forest School, so that's like three days a week for three hours, and he does Sunday school, and so he's been around other adults, but this is like kind of the first big kid thing, and he's doing really, really well.

Jon @WholeParent 6:37

Yeah, well, he like he took to it like a fish to water, yeah. So the yeah, basically the the whole premise like the reason this got started is that one of Matt's friends, the nine-year-old's friends from Forest School was like, Yeah, I go to Taekwondo, and he's like showing him all the different moves that he can do, and he was like, Well, there's actually this there's some great marketing, Taekwondo Studio, A plus marketing. They're like, Yeah, there's this buddy day coming up where you're allowed to bring your friend and you can come and it's totally free. He just said like 10 times, like, it's free, it's free, it's free, you don't have to pay. And you just like go and you interact with the master and you and get to know the other kids, and they just like play dodgeball, basically.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

It was very it was like all games, it was really really fun.

Jon @WholeParent 7:22

It was like a like an hour straight of fun, and then they're like, Do you want to sign up for our program? And so he was like, Uh yes, please, I want to sign up, even though he wasn't gonna be in the same class as his friend.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

Yeah.

Jon @WholeParent 7:34

And then Ollie, who was watching all this from the sidelines, was like, uh Me too.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

Yeah.

Jon @WholeParent 7:40

Me too. And so, yeah, so he got started, and but we didn't really ever intend for Ollie to be a part of it. He just was like, No, I'm not gonna be able to.

The Sales Pitch About Obedience

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Well, yeah, so basically, I mean, this is like not even really necessary details, but basically, it's a six-year-old and up class in the beginner class, and Ollie is turning six in like a month and a half, so we didn't think he'd be able to be in Matt's class, but then they let him join early, so he's like really having to like level up. He like physically can't even do anything, but he's doing great. But honestly, the more interesting thing has been Matt's reaction to it. So he's nine, and he's of course done for a school for several years, kind of Sunday school, kind of not, because we don't really have much for his age group at our small church, and um basically besides soccer, hasn't really done much else, and this has like been kind of challenging for him.

Jon @WholeParent 8:28

Totally. Yeah, well that yeah, so I didn't really experience that. So you saw it firsthand when you were signing up, and they told you this whole like they give you this spiel about like your kids gonna be respectful and your kids gonna listen the first time and your kid's gonna be obedient.

SPEAKER_01 8:48

It was super weird. They like after the buddy day, they or yeah, it was something like I was there with just Ali and Matt. You weren't there, and they like brought me into this office, and Ali and Matt had to like sit there with me. And it was like 15 minutes of this guy basically being like, This is why you should want to sign up for our program. Like to me, the mom, like here's all the things that we're gonna like fix about your kids. Like, right, like you know, they like he's like a like, I don't know, 55-year-old, yeah, like classic, just like boomer parent. I don't know, like yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jon @WholeParent 9:20

But he's just like former military guy. He he actually kind of does give the John Creese fives, like a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

He's like, You're a kid, you don't like it when like they don't pick up their room. Like, you can be like, here, take this patch away, put it, you can earn this back when you pick pick up your room, like the first time I ask, or like, we're gonna really train your boys to like be really well mannered and like take care of you, like just like so much outdated stuff, and just like a lot of it was this like they have like these patches that get put on their uniform, and he's like, Yeah, like make them earn them and like take them away. Like he was like, Yeah, and then they earn this belt. Oh, sorry. They like he like holds up like a yellow belt, like, yeah, they'll earn this yellow belt, and like puts it over here and it's like, but if they ever like are bad at home, you have to sign off on all this stuff. Their teachers have to sign up on all this stuff about saying that they're good kids in order to get this belt, and if they're ever not good kids, you can take this belt away.

Jon @WholeParent 10:14

And like punishment.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

Me and Matt are just like, ooh, but like, I don't yeah, so basically it's kind of awkward because I'm like, I am not a confrontational person, so I just like sat there and I was like, uh, okay. And then like after the fact I was like, yeah, but I don't like agree with that. But am I supposed to like stand up to this guy in front of my kid for my kid's benefit? Or like, should we not put him in it because like this is so counter to kind of like what we're doing at home, but then I don't want to just like shelter him from the world, so like that's the position we're in.

Yellow Belt Night And Big Feelings

Jon @WholeParent 10:46

Yeah, and well, and and I think if everybody at the dojo or whatever the karate studio or taekwondo studio was that way, like he is the big boss in that he I think is the like the financial backer. If it's like if it's a franchise, like he is the franchise owner. But he isn't the one's one working with the kids. Like the guy working with the kids gives basically none of these vibes. Like, sure, discipline and like definitely he's excellent at his like when he demonstrates the moves, like this guy is like an amazing Taekwondo master. But really, like the experience of having fun, that is like he wants to make it fun because he wants them to learn. So I think if it was like all that guy and all the like driving home that like how bad you are if you don't do what your parents say the first time, I think that would be one thing, but it's just not uh it doesn't really feel that way in the moment. But then when it gets time to so they just did yellow belt promotion, and well just I I'll talk about Matt driving home from the car if that's uh yeah, I think that that's fair. Um so comes we're in the car after yellow promotion, and Matt has just had to do both of them have just had to do all these things. They broke the board, they did the forms, they you know, listened to instructions, they did all these kicking combinations. And then when they receive their belts, basically there is this talking to of just like and it's pr very performative. So the this master who we've heard really be really good with the kids when there's no parents in the room. Now that all of the parents are in the room looking, staring at these kids, and he's like, Now what are you gonna say when your mom says, you know, it's time for bed? Five more minutes, or yes, ma'am. And they were like, uh, yes, ma'am. And he was like, correct, and gave them the belt. And I was like, Oh, okay, well, we'll debrief that later. So we get into the car, and Ollie's just like, Did you see me break that board? Did you see me do all that stuff? Do you see how cool this yellow belt is? Do you know that yellow is my favorite color? And like, just like the whole thing, and just like, do I have to earn the stripes back? Because they have to earn these stripes in order to get the belt promotion. So he's like, Do I have to get all the stripes again? I was like, Yeah, and he's like, Okay, I'm gonna earn the first stripe next week, and he's like already looking forward to the next thing. And the whole like, do what your parents say and be obedient and never complain, just had totally flown over his head. Like, just don't it was like didn't compute. Or he was just like, I don't know, you can say whatever you want. I know the I know how my house is gonna go. But Matt's like, I don't know if I want to do taekwondo anymore. I don't want this trophy, I don't want this belt. I'm gonna give it back. And I was like, Oh, that's a big feeling. Tell me more about that. And he's like, Well, if I have to do everything that you say first time, like what if what if I'm scared, or what if I don't want to, or what like what if I just have questions? I'm not supposed to ask any questions, like this is just a lot of pressure, and I don't want to do this. And we had to have this like long conversation about basically like okay, so why are they even saying this stuff? And really what they want you to do is respect us, and it's not respect is not just obedience, and respect is like can't you know, thinking about others when you act, and they're looking for respect. And he's like, But then why don't they just say that? And that was the moment where I like didn't have an answer. He was like, Okay, if what they really mean, because one of the things that they were saying is like, Does your one of the things we had to sign off on was like, does your kid greet you when you come into the house? Yes, or like you know, um, very often, almost never, like, no, needs work, you know.

SPEAKER_01 14:33

Yeah, and we had this moment of like filling out this like form the night before the testing because you feel like chicken. I literally was like, I want to just like fill this out, like whatever, just like fly by it, and then like not show Matt. I was like, I don't want Matt to see this, I know this is gonna make him uncomfortable. Like, I literally was like, we should decide this for a moment. Of course, it's like just sitting out open on the kitchen counter in the door, and he's just like, What is this? And he like reads it immediately. He's like, It says my name on it, and it says these things, and they usually check, but like he just like moth to a flame of it.

Jon @WholeParent 14:59

Yeah, just report card immediately, right? And the kids never seen any sort of report card, essentially it's just a report card for taekwondo, and so yeah, it was like do you do you greet your parents? So he was like, Why do they care about that? I was like, Well, like, let's and and I think this is like one of my better parenting moments, is I was like, Okay, well, let's let's unpack that. So, why wouldn't you greet us when we got home? Like, what would that look like if we walked in the door and you just didn't say anything? Like, why would you not greet us? And he was like, Uh, I don't know, I'd always greet you. And I was like, Yeah, but like let's think of a scenario where you wouldn't. What if you were on your iPad? Well, I guess, yeah, I might not notice. I was like, okay, well, what if you were and and by the way, this is when you were in Jewel that we were having this whole conversation. You're looking at me like, why what what is this conversation? You're like, I was there. No, so when you're in Jewel, we to celebrate belt promotion, we had Disney waffles, which is waffles with New Talon whipped cream and New Tella and whipped cream and strawberries and chocolate chips. And while you're in Jewel, get I'm sitting in the kids with the kids in the car, and I'm like, okay, so why would that matter? And he's like, Well, if I was on my iPad or if I was like this, or I was like, So would it be would it be nice if I when I came into the house I ignored you? He was like, No, and I was like, Well, I think that they're just saying don't ignore your parents. Like just be kind, be thoughtful, think about other people, be respectful, treat others how you want to be treated. And he was like, but why don't they just say that? And that was the moment, and I was like, Because they don't know how. Like they don't they don't know how to say like treat your parents with respect without qualifying that as obedience.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Well, so like okay, this is like a little bit more of a grown-up side of the conversation. Like, obviously, we just like do the best we can with our kids at the age level that they're at, but like are we supposed to just I don't know, like should we look at like something that is like culturally different and a different way of parenting or doing authority and control? Should we like look at that and be like, well, like it's just worse than or they're like different than how like I don't know, are we supposed to just be like, well, I want to pick and choose the parts that I like of it and leave the rest? Or am I supposed to say like here's how that works culturally there and they like get to make those I don't know, like I don't want to like Yeah, I don't know that's I'm not making sense. I'm so sorry.

Jon @WholeParent 17:30

No, no, I think you're I think you're making a lot of sense. I think it's a really hard like yeah, like what are we supposed to kind of like pick and choose between like are we supposed to kind of be dismissive of this thing or are we supposed to like lean hard into it? Uh to what I was trying to do is like look at the shared value and just say like okay, so like what what is the shared value underneath like listen to your parents the first time?

SPEAKER_01 17:52

But it doesn't have to be like they can't say it the way we say it, it could just be like they're just saying it differently. We don't have to understand that.

Jon @WholeParent 17:58

Yeah, yeah. But I think in well, I guess, yeah, maybe you're giving more benefit than I am. Like I I was like this guy who and you've also had a 45-minute one-on-one conversation with this guy.

SPEAKER_01 18:11

Well, I'm just thinking about like other cultures in general, like Asian cultures being stricter and having like really high expectations of their kids.

Jon @WholeParent 18:20

Well, and to be clear, and but like the guy who runs this He's what Yeah, yeah. This is not like a Korean guy like who's like from Korean.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

No, but that's kind of like the tenor of this conversation is like is touching on is like when our values of our home butt up against values out in the world, do we just say like we can take what we like and leave what we don't, or we're better than them, or we're not even gonna do taekwondo because it like is so contradictory to our values that like we would not feel good about like or should we just like take what we like, we like the fun of it, and just ignore the rest. I don't know. It's like what is the right way to I don't know what we're doing. But I mean, like I think basically like that we should just let him be in it and just like be willing to process it with him. But I don't know, it would be impossible to just like shelter him from everything that was gonna be different than the way we do it in our house for his life. So like it's I don't know, it's better for him to start now and like be exposed to this stuff. Um I just want to like tread lightly as far as like we're not better.

Jon @WholeParent 19:31

I like I don't know, it's like yeah tricky when you're I just like I think I kind of default to you often in these because my instinct is always to push to like do the hard thing and to be like so I should be defaulting to you on that.

SPEAKER_01 19:50

Like no, I don't know, I'm way like avoiding.

Jon @WholeParent 19:53

But I'll push but I'll push past what's healthy and like what's what's good for our kids. Maybe we just need to lean on each other. Because we're just like that's such a cute thing for me to say. Such a good husband. Uh but I think we just have to kind of like le like look at each other because like I I struggle with the attunement sometimes of knowing when like it's too much. And like when no, this is like not good. Like kid is just like not the like there's too much of a values difference here, and like the kid is like really struggling.

SPEAKER_01 20:24

He totally seems fine about this, but like even with soccer, like the literally the one other thing he did, there was like one team that where like the coach was like yelling at everybody the whole time, and like it wasn't even our coach, and Matt was like overwhelmed by just like that coach being like so yelly on the field. Well, I so I'm just like this is gonna be at every turn.

When Authority Crosses A Line

Jon @WholeParent 20:42

We can't just like was was that that was before I was a coach, right?

SPEAKER_01 20:45

Yeah, that was the I talked to him during the game.

Jon @WholeParent 20:48

That's only time I've like had a company. You were like, whoa man, like you're just I was just like well, like okay, there was and then he was like nice to you at the end though. It was just like a very it was like a classic abuse pattern. Basically, he was just totally dysregulated and out of his uh out of control, and he's screaming like full volume at six-year-olds, like like what are you doing? Get to the ball! Why aren't you looking? And like he is losing it. And I was like, hey, we need to like take this a step down, like we just need to we need to bring the temperature down, and he was like, This is a game. Like, like why are you being basically such a wuss about this? Like, this is a game, this is sports. If you don't like sports, don't put your kid, don't put your kids in sports. And I was like, but also there's six.

SPEAKER_01 23:49

Right. So I guess like the goal of all of this, that's like a perfect example because we should like teach our kids the difference between like it just being like the master just having a culturally different way of doing like self control and respect and authority and in a like kind of I don't know. Like still it's obviously still a kind way. Um culturally different. Yeah, like it's healthy, but it's just like And just like letting them know like our kids know that, like, well, if that had been your coach, like there is a place where you don't just have to take the authority, you can have that feeling inside of yourself where like this doesn't feel right, this doesn't feel good. You bring it back to your grown-ups and they're like, No, you're right, this is passing that like appropriate. I don't know. Yeah, well, and that's especially because that's lucky, like we were there, but like what about kids that like go to school and stuff and like babysitters, yeah.

Martial Arts Benefits And The Obedience Trap

Jon @WholeParent 24:40

Yeah, I mean, yeah, exactly. Well, and that's I mean, that's the fear, right? Like the the thing with that I want like if I could have the one-on-one with the taekwondo studio like guy, which I guess I could. Oh god, please don't. But like if I was to like sit down, Bob, and like tell him what's what about parenting, which I'm not gonna do. Um, although it's funny because there are whole parent followers.

SPEAKER_01 25:05

Oh my gosh, what if she listens to this? Yeah, we like John is ever since that first day. Basically, John's been the one taking the kids to taekwondo, like all four of them by himself every time. I usually like hand off the kids to him in the evenings, like, and I just like check out. I like I I do the mornings well, John does the afternoons, and then often does like the dinner time. And like, so he's like with our littles while the older two are like in the class, and we left like a booth there.

Jon @WholeParent 25:33

Definitely left, definitely a bright pink boot. Still had the tag on it, yeah. Not even 12, yeah, it still had the tag on it, not even 12 hours old that boot.

SPEAKER_01 25:41

Yeah, but anyway, somebody like messaged him on Instagram that night.

Jon @WholeParent 25:44

Yeah, like which never happens to be clear. Never been stopped in the grocery store, never been stopped at the time. John does not get recognized. I nobody ever recognizes me except for when uh I have a total, you know, I'm so overwhelmed. Four kids crawling all over me, and I dropped my daughter's boot in the parking lot. Somebody messaged me on TikTok being like, hey, thought it was you. Pretty sure it was you with those kids at the uh Taekwondo studio.

SPEAKER_01 26:09

Floundering.

Jon @WholeParent 26:10

Yeah, yeah, you on your phone talking to your friend while your daughter was running around the parking lot, 18 months old.

SPEAKER_01 26:17

I'm sure she dropped while you were carrying her to the car.

Jon @WholeParent 26:19

Yeah, she did, she did, she did. We were trying to get in the car because they were hungry. We were trying to get to dinner, but yeah, so maybe she'll listen to this. But if I was gonna have a one-on-one sit down with him, I mean, I think the thing that I would say is like a lot of martial arts is discipline and self-control. Like, that's a big piece of it, and like confidence, and that's what we hear in all the research on on why martial arts is good for kids with ADHD, which there's so many, so much. Not that our kids have ADHD, but just there is that research. Not that they don't, not that they don't either. They got a couple of parents that uh they got the genetics for it if it hasn't shown up yet. But yeah, I mean that in all that, like there's the discipline, there's self-control. I think that there's always, and maybe this makes you uncomfortable for me to say, but I think that there's also anybody who's takes uh uh martial arts to that high the highest level or is training it, there's also a piece of this that's self-defense of like look, we're learning how to fight not just because like we could do lots of things with our body, we could do Pilates with our body and it would be like discipline and self-control. We could do um sports with our body and it'd be discipline and self-control. But the the type of sport that we're doing is like how to punch somebody in the face and how to kick them in the head, right? And so I think that there is an aspect to this where it's like we want your kid to protect be able to protect themselves, like when they're out in the world. And I think what I would say is look, teaching kids to be blindly obedient to adults is teaching them to not protect themselves out in the world. Like that's if that's a shared value that we have, like the reason why obedience is so problematic is not because like it sets up kids to be people pleasers, it's problematic because it like conditions kids for abuse and not only abuse and like sexual abuse and physical abuse, but also just like toxic abusive relationships. And so I think like I can find the value of saying, hey, look, they're saying obedience because what they mean is respect. And respect is a value that we want you to cultivate. And I don't think that they even want you to be obedient in the in the real like if we if we actually asked them, and this is like what I eventually said, is like if we actually ask them what we would like to do ha you know, what's the goal, it's not listen to your parents unconditionally, even when your parents tell you to hurt yourself or to tell you to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Like it's respect your parents, which I think there is if you look out in the world, like kids don't respect their parents all the time. And I think that that's like a real symptom of the modern world. Kids don't respect their parents. Like that's a good value. We agree with that, and our kids respect us, so I don't know why we're worried about that. And yeah, I think that that would be the shared thing.

SPEAKER_01 29:03

It's just like earned respect, like respect that goes both ways, respect that comes with like explanation and like very clearly, like always with their best interest at heart, versus like blind respect because I said so because I'm bigger, like literally, like Yeah.

The Tablet Bedtime Moment Reframed

Jon @WholeParent 29:18

Can I tell you one thing that happened at night that night that was really kind of interesting? What so that so that was one of the nights when we we told the I started this whole thing talking about the karate kids. So that was the first night when they were using their tablets like together, and they were both using their tablets, or not together, they were using them separately. And so when it was time for bed, I barked out this order that was just like off the tablet, time for bed, going upstairs. And I think everyone listening to this podcast, if you have kids who have iPads, like you know that is a terrible way to do that. Like that is the worst possible is not what I teach. Like that is not you're supposed to go over and break hair. And yeah, put the hand on their shoulder and ask them what they were just doing, and like do all this stuff. Do you want to finish the thing that you read thing? Like it was five more minutes. Like, like I did none of that. I was just like, probably you were on your screen too, and then you're like, oh shit, it's like late now. I was like, I was like, oh no, mom's gonna start texting. You probably text me, like, where are they? And I was like, upstairs now. So I'm just like, yeah, I'm consumed. So I'm bark out some order, and Matt, I I don't remember what Ollie did. Probably just was like, I already had him upstairs. But Matt flips his eye, like, doesn't even finish the video, flips his iPad closed, puts it down next to him, stands up, and immediately follows me, goes upstairs. And after we brushed teeth, and after we did a reading, and I put his little brother to bed, I was sitting next to him and I said, you know, we were talking about that thing today, how it made you uncomfortable when they said listen the first time. And and we were talking about the shared values, and it's really about respect. And I like I kind of processed all that because I wanted to stick. Like that I wanted him to leave and the night with Taekwondo being a positive, like, you achieved this thing, you broke this board, you uh worked hard, you had persistence. I wanted to leave it with a good tape amount. So I was like replaying all of it and re-narrating it from like what the the good that we had pulled out of it. And I was like, but you know what the funny thing is? And he goes, What? And I go, of all of the kids in that taekwondo cat class, and probably most of the kids that I know, the one who is the quickest and easiest to to treat me with respect is you. I said go upstairs, I didn't give you a warning, I didn't I didn't ask you what you were doing, I didn't help you get off your tablet, I didn't do any of the things that I was supposed to do. And you listened the first time without hesitation. And so I don't I was like I maybe your teachers wouldn't like me saying this, but I I don't think that lesson is really for you anyway. I think that you've already learned respect in a different way, and I I would love that you have, and I want to keep seeing that because it represents who you are. Like if you have a bad day and you you want to take it out on me, that's okay. But like I already see this as like a place where you excel, and I don't want anyone to ever make you feel like you don't respect your parents. Like I don't want anybody to say, like, well, if you don't, and that become like some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy for you, because you treat me with so much respect, and I am so grateful for that. And he was like, Okay. And that was it. But I I was having like a moment of being like, oh man, like these people were like really like, you need to make your son do this, and I was like, I don't know, I've never made my son do that.

Another Parent Agrees And Relief

SPEAKER_01 32:46

What a way to make a kid not want to do that. Right, or at least our kid.

Jon @WholeParent 32:49

Right, or any kid, yeah, but you know, and it's funny because w his friend who also does taekwondo at the same studio came over today and talked to his mom, and she was like, Well, how did Bell Promotion go? And I told this whole story.

SPEAKER_01 33:02

And what does she think about it?

Jon @WholeParent 33:04

And she said the exact same thing. Oh, that's not all about too. She said, she said, Look, yeah, we had to have the same conversation.

SPEAKER_01 33:09

Really? Okay.

Jon @WholeParent 33:10

Where it was like, Yeah, you know what, you don't like we do want you to respect us, but we don't need you to like be obedient. And we're not gonna take away your trophy, and we're not gonna take away your belt, right? And then she said something really profound, and she's talking about different cultures doing things differently. She's from Poland, she's an immigrant, but she's not like born and raised in the south side of Chicago, right? And she said the exact same way that I felt. Like this is a cross-cultural experience of just being like, if somebody told me they were gonna take it away from me, I wouldn't want it anymore. And I was like, Yeah, that's what Matt said. She was like, Yeah. So let's just not ever do that with our kids. And I was like, Alright, sounds good, Angie. And so, yeah, shout out Angie. Angie, if she's listening. Thank you for validating my parenting choices.

SPEAKER_01 34:03

I always hope that nobody we actually know in real life.

Loving This Week Costco And Hot Water

Jon @WholeParent 34:07

It would be so terrible. Okay. Do you have like a final word for us on this episode about Taekwondo?

SPEAKER_01 34:13

No, never ask me for a final word.

Jon @WholeParent 34:15

Anything that you're anything that you're loving this week? No.

unknown 34:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:20

I told John that for his podcast you should include like Loving This Week. There was this homeschool podcast that I listened to a long time ago where they did that, and it was never about like, I mean, not never, but mostly not about parenting stuff. It would just be like, here's this protein drink that I found that I really, really like, or like audiobook or whatever.

Jon @WholeParent 34:36

Okay, I have your loving this week. I have your loving this week. My loving this week. I have your loving this week. What? Jess, your loving this week, Costco. Because you hated Costco for like the overwhelming majority of the last five years that we've been going to Costco. And you you were just like, when are you gonna go to Costco?

SPEAKER_01 34:53

Did you get honey?

Jon @WholeParent 34:54

I didn't get honey. Oh man. Oh, I should have gotten honey at Costco, shouldn't I?

SPEAKER_01 34:59

But now that we we're having like hot tea. Not tea, like hot water. Loving this week.

Jon @WholeParent 35:05

That's my loving this week. That's my loving this week.

SPEAKER_01 35:07

Well, the like the like water thingy. The water teeter.

Jon @WholeParent 35:11

Yes. We we got like a little what are this thing's called?

SPEAKER_01 35:14

Water dispenser.

Jon @WholeParent 35:15

Okay. I'm just gonna show my Midwesternist. I call it a bubbler.

SPEAKER_01 35:20

Okay.

Jon @WholeParent 35:20

Which is what in Wisconsin, anybody from Wisconsin listening, text text into the podcast if I'm right about this. Any water dispenser in Wisconsin is called a bubbler, like including like a water fountain that you drink out of.

SPEAKER_01 35:32

Oh, yeah, yeah, I have heard that.

Jon @WholeParent 35:34

Yeah, they all call like they're all called bubblers, but I call it a bubbler when it uses one of those gigantic five-gallon tanks because it goes.

SPEAKER_01 35:42

Well, anyway, that's a perfect example of like a lovingness because we could be like we have seen these things obviously everywhere and sometimes in people's homes. And so, like, we I without even like asking you, I just like full- it was just like a rental thing costs like$30 a month or something like that. They like deliver the water to your house. They like brought in this like cooler thing into our where I like the dining room where I wanted them to put it, and like the not only does it give us like the filtered water, it also gives us instant hot water, which we're using for teaton. And the whole thing that prompted this was like our daughter's level, lead levels were too high, and we don't know if it's the water. It's like there was like a good reason for us to like weird, like no problem with sink water, to be honest here, unless it's gonna poison our children.

Jon @WholeParent 36:25

So yeah, we're not like anti-fluoride people, like yeah, but but we are yeah, definitely, definitely like I think we might stick with uh the bubble having that hot water thing. Especially when we're all sick right now, right? It spits out water at 175 degrees, and very childlocked, like our kids can't get some water. Our kids can't screw with it, but they can get themselves water, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:50

We gotta figure out a system to have like plastic cups over there and then just ask us.

Jon @WholeParent 36:54

Yes. Yeah, my daughter actually, that's how she asks for water. She just goes, brings a cup over to it, and starts banging on it until somebody presses it for her, either me or one of the older kids. But yeah, they so we have the bubbler and we it spits out water at 175 degrees without having to wait, and then you we put honey and lemon in it.

SPEAKER_02 37:14

Yeah.

Jon @WholeParent 37:14

And Jess calls that tea, but there's actually no tea leaves in it. It's just honey and lemon hot water.

SPEAKER_01 37:20

I like want to be a tea drinker, but I hate tea, so this is like my way to be a part of it.

Jon @WholeParent 37:24

And this is also what you drank. Fun fact, at our wedding.

SPEAKER_01 37:28

Yeah. When I was had a super sore throat then.

Jon @WholeParent 37:30

You had a super sore throat at a wedding, your voice was very raspy, and you re drank hot water with lemon until somebody gave you like one that was at 212, and you like almost burned off your mouth. Yeah, that was not loving this week. Yeah. But yes, the hot water thing was.

SPEAKER_01 37:45

And then I had zero voice for our honeymoon. You had zero voice, you couldn't say I think it's the only time my whole life where I like actually couldn't make any like sound quail.

Jon @WholeParent 37:53

You also chopped off all your hair on our honeymoon. Yeah. You went to a haircut and you got like a like a like.

SPEAKER_01 37:59

Clearly, I was having a midlife crisis after marrying you.

Jon @WholeParent 38:02

You were like, why did I marry this guy? Maybe having hair like Rachel from Friends will make me feel better.

SPEAKER_01 38:09

It did not, in fact. It made me feel a lot worse.

Jon @WholeParent 38:14

Well, yeah, that's our loving this week is uh Costco and those. I always loved Costco. Costco loving this week, and that hot water thing. But yeah, thanks for being on the podcast.

SPEAKER_01 38:26

Yeah.