Learn and Work Smarter

130. How to Ask for Help in College – with Psychologist Dr. Susan VanScoyoc

• Katie Azevedo • Episode 130

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 38:05

Send me a message!🤓

College can make students feel all kinds of ways: thrilled at the freedom, excited at the possibilities, and overwhelmed with the independence that's suddenly expected of them.


In my conversation with board-certified psychologist Dr. Susan VanScoyoc, we talk about how to ask for help when college gets hard — and why most students (and their parents) are getting this wrong.


Dr. VanScoyoc is the founder of Campus Confidant, where she helps families navigate the emotional and practical challenges of the college years. Her core message: college is a bridge, not a launch.


What You'll Learn:


  • The 4 myths that stop college students from asking for help
  • Why "I should be able to handle this" is the most dangerous thing a student can think
  • The 3 types of support you can ask for (and which one is the easiest place to start)
  • What a "bandwidth checker" is — and why every student needs one
  • What parents can watch for when their student goes quiet
  • Tips for parents: how to offer support without jumping straight to solutions


🔗 Resources Mentioned:



❤️ Connect:


About Dr. VanScoyoc

Dr. Susan VanScoyoc is a psychologist, parenting coach, and founder of Campus Confident, where she helps families of college students navigate the emotional and practical changes that come with this life transition. With over 25 years of experience working with families, along with her own college parenting experiences, she focuses on practical ways to manage stress, communicate effectively, and use support systems well during the college years. She teaches that college is a bridge, not a launch, and gives families clear, realistic ways to stay connected as students grow into independence.



⭐Use code HEADSTART100 at https://www.schoolhabitsuniversity.com/specialoffer for an instant $100 savings off enrollment.

Got your own burning question you'd like me to answer on a future episode? AWESOME! You can submit your questions via the form on my homepage right here.

Please follow the show and leave a review if what you hear is helpful. Doing so helps me more than you'll ever know. Thank you!!

LET'S CONNECT

Sign up for my (pretty darn good) newsletter that I very craftily named ReportCard.

For hundreds of tutorials featuring tips on studying, productivity, organization, learning, time management and more, head to my blog: SchoolHabits.com.

Well, hello and welcome to the Learning Work Smarter podcast. I'm your host, Katie Azevedo, and this is one of my expert interview podcasts where I interview an expert on one of the topics that we talk about on the show. And today I'm talking with Doctor Susan VancScoyoc. Doctor Susan VanScoyoc is a board certified psychologist, a parenting coach, and founder of Campus Confidant, where she helps families of college students navigate the emotional and practical changes that come with this huge life transition. With over 25 years of experience working with families along with her own college parenting experiences, she focuses on practical ways to manage stress, to communicate effectively, and to use support systems well during those funky college years. She teaches at college is a bridge. It is not a launch, and she gives families clear, realistic ways to stay connected as students grow into independence. I'm so excited to have Doctor VanScoyoc on the show today, because one of the things we talk about is self-advocacy as a skill that can be learned and can be developed, and when students go off to college, nowhere is that skill more important. Today's show is for students who are headed to college or already in college, and it's also for parents who have college age students and are wondering how to help their kid when they're there. The topic of today's show is basically how to get the support you need. If you're a student, how to get the kind of support that you need from your parents, from your resources, so that you can thrive. Doctor VanScoyoc also throws in a whole bunch of tips for parents who want to help their student, but don't quite know how. We cover a lot. So grab your pens and let's get started. Hello. You are listening to the Learn and Work Smarter podcast. The podcast for students and professionals who want to learn and work smarter. I'm your host, executive function coach, and founder of SchoolHabits, Katie Azevedo. As a reminder, everything I mentioned in today's episode will be linked in the show notes, including a link to the transcript, which you can also find at Learn and Work Smarter. Well. Hello, Susan. Welcome to the show. I am so glad you've decided to join us for today's conversation, because it's about time I had an expert on the show to talk about mental health. And that is what we are doing today. There's no better person to come and share their expertise on this show than you, because I know you've got this, you know, extensive experience and you're a mom who's in it. So first, why don't you just give my audience a in the listeners a little bit who you are, what you like to talk about and a little bit of your experience. Hello. I'm so happy to be here. Yes, I'm Doctor Susan VanScoyoc and I currently operate online platform for College Mental Wellness, designed at helping parents and and students figure out how to get through college with a little bit less stress. It's super stressful these days. And so I have 25 years working with students, college mom of two kids myself, who may or may not be up in the background, and I just love busting myths and making sure that students are getting the support they need, however they need it to get through college years. I love that. Well, on this show we talk a lot. I mean, the primary backbone of everything I share on the Learn and Work Smarter podcast is executive functions and skills and things that we have control over. And one of the skills that I feel like I could do a better job of talking about. But here we are today. We're covering our bases is self-advocacy, and there's mental health, which I already introduced. That concept is something that we're going to talk about today. And then there's self-advocacy. And the way I see it, there's kind of like a Venn diagram where there's always a Venn diagram between even the most opposite concepts. I think everything's connected, but the those who are struggling with mental health often need to self-advocacy, depending on their context and their resources and what they have access to. And so today's show, my I believe the conversation will see where this goes. I love having an organic conversation, but I want today's listeners to walk away with some practical strategies to ask for help when they need it, to know how to ask for help. We're talking specifically students who are in college and are dealing with the anxieties and the pressures and the stresses that come with going off to college, and who may or may not have parents at home who want to help but don't know how to help. So if you're a student listening to the to today's show, we are absolutely talking to you. If you are a parent listening to today's show, we're talking to you as well. Because if you have a child who is self advocating, there's some strategies to figure out how to hear them and how to make yourself accessible for them, to ask the questions they need to ask. And if you're a student, we're going to Susan's doctor. Doctor VanScoyoc is going to share her strategies for how you can for yourself to get the help that you need. So our first question right out of the gate, there was a long rambling intro. But why do you think parents are often overlooked as a source of support? I see this from the students that I work with who bring a question or an issue to the table to one of our sessions and like, have you talked to your parents? No, no. And I'm often their first line, and you know, I am not a therapist. You're the board certified psychologist here, I am not. So why is it that students often don't even think to ask their parents for help? Well, before I go there, I want to zoom out a little bit, if you don't mind. And actually, this is for every student. So it is a mental health topic. But we all have mental health, right? That in interferes or improves how we are successful. The things we try to endeavor so well. Yes, I'm a mental health expert. I'm an even bigger expert on just like the everyday kid and the everyday stressors. And so I want all students to tune in, whether you, you know, have a diagnosis or whether you think you have anxiety because there isn't a single student that goes to college that doesn't have stress of some kind. And so just, you know, backing up that this is actually a conversation for all students and all parents because everybody has stress. So we can normalize that like from day one. And yeah, I think maybe the best way to handle this is talk about some of the myths. I have four in mind that come up when kids think about like, oh, should I talk to my parents about this? And this also is what trips up parents as well, because we're all kind of in that same ecosystem. That makes a little bit difficult for kids when they go to college to reach out to their parents. And so the first one that I'll start with is just the fact that, you know, you're not supposed to like, I have two kids in college. I sat in freshman orientation and like, the whole message is like, oh, you're on your own now and figure all this out by yourself. And I just have to laugh because, you know, going to college is is a transition. It's not a cliff. It's not like the first day you cross into your freshman class. You're like some character in a video game and you're like, magically level up and you have all of these skills. And so the first myth I like just to get rid of is that the asking your parents for help is something that you're just supposed to be able to do, or not ask them for help is something you're supposed to be able to just because you went to college. And so let's get rid of that myth kind of right off the gate. That's the one. Yeah, sorry to interrupt, but I just want to validate that, because a lot of times when I ask students like, why aren't you asking, you know, have you talked to mom or have you talked to dad? They're like, oh, I should be able to do this, right? Like, I'm at my teen. I should be able to do this. And, you know, with every should comes a lot of shame. And so I feel like that's the underlying thought behind that. And there is no should. Every kid grows up with a different levels of access to resources and adults that they learn from through modeling and a million different factors that make a should completely irrelevant, right? So if someone listening right now is like, well, I feel like I should be able to handle this on my own, I should just hard stop. Right? There is what I'm hearing you say, right? Right. And again, you know, parents are victim of that too. I've worked with a lot of parents where. Well, well, they're 18 now. They should be able to. And so yeah. So your parent might not quite understand either if you're listening to this as a student and they might say those things to you. So we're going to we're going to, you know, bust those myths today and make it easier for both of you to realize that it doesn't have to be that way, especially when it comes to stress. You've kind of on your parent your whole life to get you through tough times. And so there is a lot of ways you're becoming independent that your parent isn't involved in, you know, getting to class, understanding your professor like knowing what to eat in the cafeteria on Wednesdays and what to avoid. So you are growing as a person and you are becoming more independent. And if you still have to count on your parent, you know, to get through sticky things or hard things for you, that is totally okay. In fact, it's smart, which is the next myth, and that is that, you know, if you ask for help, it means you're weak or your immature or you're not capable of things. And kid, you'd probably agree with me. Like knowing your limits, knowing your boundaries, like being able to problem solve and get what you need out of life is is a sign of maturity and strength in my mind. Absolutely. The resource, the self-advocacy that is that's what we're talking about today is, you know, we're neither one of us is here saying, well, you shouldn't ask for help because you you know, we're saying the opposite of that. We're saying asking for help is a skill that we want to develop, because asking for help is how you indices, the video game analogy level up, and the kids who are scared of doing that end up staying at the level that they're at, and then wondering why they're still struggling. And then they often do so in silence because of that shame. Okay, so myth number one was that I should be able to do this, and I should be able to do it on my own. And myth number two is students aren't asking for help because they're thinking, if I do ask for help, it means that there's something wrong with me. It means that yeah. Okay. All right. So okay, so myth number three is that you should wait before it's really bad. Before you ask, you know, I'm supposed to handle it. Like you said, we're like, oh, you know, they wait until they're super struggling and maybe they don't ask at all. And so, you know, the a better time to ask is just before you're underwater. And I get that sometimes you can feel underwater like instantly you didn't know is happening. So you're having this great week. And then all of a sudden you realize, oh, you're up first for the presentation that you're not quite ready for, or your professor moves their due date. So there are going to be times when you don't really know how fast you're going to go underwater. But over time, as a college student, you you get into a rhythm and you realize like, okay, like my bad month is January. And I just got back from Christmas break and I'm kind of depressed and it's cold out and I just don't have a lot of motivation to use my notes or use my study strategies. And so you'll realize these times that, you know, you just aren't at your best. And that's a great time, you know, to use your parents for help. My daughter is a college athlete. She knows in season like I am really stressed. I don't have a lot of capacity for extra. And so I hear from her more in that season than I do out of season. So I'm learning how to, you know, not wait. And I do this all the time. You might to Katie's like I really wait until I'm overwhelmed. I'm like, okay, I just need some help, you know, cleaning the house or whatever. And so it really is, again, a skill, which is what we're talking about here, to not wait so long to ask for help. Right? That ties back to the self-awareness piece, which is like the mega mother executive function of also a lot of folks who have ADHD and executive dysfunction struggle with that self-awareness piece. And so they might not even recognize that their, you know, mouth is already underwater, and now it's up to their nose, and now they're up to their eyeballs. They might not even be aware enough to know that the signs, the early signs happened maybe weeks ago. So I think there's probably, you'd agree, a strategy here in recognizing what does early signs of overwhelm feel like to me because that's that's going to be different to everybody. For me, I'm going to start getting that pit in my stomach. I'm going to start looking around my house saying, oh my God, I need to throw everything away. Everything needs to go in the dumpster. And my family is like, okay, mom stressed. Like, you know what I mean? And I mean, that might be the quirkiest sign of overwhelm, but that's that's what mine is, right? So I think that, you know, part of learning how to self advocate in the context that we're talking about is like, what does what are that? When do you start getting, like itchy and antsy and edgy and catch that early on? So a scale of 1 to 10, when you hit around a three, I would write maybe somewhere you might have a different number scale, but I'm thinking around a three. You want to start going, okay, I got to use my strategies. I got to call mom. Yeah, mine is cleaning the pantry. If my husband comes from my pantries clean, he's like, okay, what's going on? I'll talk more a little bit more about like, you know, in the how to ask for help thing kind of that, that would ask help. And if you don't mind like I'd like to again like zoom out just a little bit because I don't know, I really high achieving kids and I was that kid. And if I'm listening to this, I might be like, oh, great. Now that's one more thing. I got a master, like figuring out how to our when I should ask for help. And I just want to say, like, you know, one of the main goals of college is none of this stuff about grades It's self-discovery. And I wish someone would have told me this, maybe even yesterday. Like you are allowed to course correct? Yes. If you ask your parents, you know too early and maybe you could have figured out yourself. Or you waited too long and now you're really, you know, drowning like it is. Okay, you can just try again. You can course correct every like five minutes if you want to. And so like this isn't something. Yes. Another thing on your to do list like to get right another skill to build in that capacity. Just like being aware. Like I'm not going to fall for those myths anymore. And we have one more and I'm going to just, you know, try to figure it out on my own. But that's one of the fun parts of college. I think it's just like, hey, I tried these things on and they didn't work. And so I tried it differently. And they worked this week, but they didn't work that week. And that is a life skill you also take with you long before you're long after your four years of college. I'm glad you said that. It is. It is a process. Like every single skill we build, every single time we set off in one direction that we swear is the way to go, and we course correct. And we maintain that resilience, that we keep that same story away of, oh, no, I failed on that. No, you're just course correcting. I think that that is a really important foundational piece to come back to. Otherwise, it sets up this dichotomy of there's a right way and a wrong way to do things and to feel and to succeed. And that is not at all what you're about. What I'm about. Right? It's about experimenting. And it's and everybody has their own process and it can be long, it can be short. Some people could develop this sense of self-awareness and these skills, you know, in, in a semester. And for some people, you know, they might be 57 years old saying, I'm still working on this. And both are both are beautiful. Yeah, yeah. And hopefully again, you know, your audience is here and they're invested in learning and how to learn smarter and how to do the things that they really care about better. And so this just falls into that category, like just giving yourself permission to it's not even messing up because you're just trying it on and seeing if it fits or not. Indeed. All right. Number four, let's hear number four. Is that good parents should automatically know what you need. Now this might be, you know, for your younger audience, your high school students, you know, maybe starting freshman year, but we both know, like five minutes into college, you realize your parents are not going to know what you need. And, you know, I just say that to help students reflect on the fact, like both of you are recalibrating. Neither one of you have been here before, and even if you got through freshman year, neither one have been in sophomore year before. And there's new challenges. I have a just finished freshman year and just finished junior year, so I kind of have the whole spectrum of experience except for the graduation personally. But I worked with a lot of kids and like every year brings something different. You know, it happened to me for my oldest that like junior year, was just like junior in high school. It was really hard. She's kind of bumping up against, you know, she's a French major, like bumping up against really hard classes. And it's it's taking a hit on her self-esteem because she's used to being really good in those classes. And so there's just different stressors all the time. So your parents are not going to know, you know, automatically how to get it right, how to help you. They don't have the visual context. They can't tell from a text really how upset you are. They don't know that you just down, you know, for bowls of Lucky Charms like you did at home when you were stressed or you just cleaned the pantry. And so just understanding that you're going to have to have clear communication with them about what you need to be helped through these rough spots, more so than you did when you were living under their roof, and also even argue, even if you live at home and go to college, like there's still just a lot of things that you're certainly keeping private, maybe you're keeping different hours and just requires a lot of clear communication. So follow up question to that. We say we just need clear communication. But I know that for a lot of folks, including those who listen to the show, that's the that's the barrier right there. We've got folks who are like, okay, I buy into this. I understand when I start to struggle, I need to ask for help. And I do have a supportive network, but I don't know how to communicate what I need either, because they're not sure how to actually articulate that or they're not sure. Like, how much do I share? What is okay to tell my parents? How do I tell them I need help without giving them the details where I feel like I might get in trouble? Right, right. So how what are the what are some strategies for a kid who's like, I don't even I don't even know how to communicate what I need, and I wouldn't expect you to because honestly, your parent has probably made that pretty easy for you so far because again, they were getting that visual feedback. The they've known you obviously, since you were born. And so they could just be that room a little bit better. So I would not expect, you know, any college student to be super good at that yet. So yeah, let's talk about that. I kind of like to think of it as three different parts. You know, when to ask, what to ask for and how to ask. So that last piece is what you're talking about. Let's back up a little bit and share to talk about when to ask. And I touched on this a little bit. But it's very individualized. Like as you said before, like you don't know what you know, what you're coming to college with in terms of whether that's going to be an asset or a challenge. And so I don't know how what you've been through, I don't know your relationship with your parent or what you've already asked for or not asked for how that's gone, if they've dismissed you, if you've been super independent and so, you know, the the when to ask can just be kind of individualized. But you also touched on it a little bit before. And that is I think kind of having like a bandwidth checker. So what is your personal, what are your personal signs that things are going bad for you? So are you reading the same words? You know, ten times and nothing is sinking in, or you doom scrolling or you just completely stuck? Do you have these great color coded systems and things in place? But you look at them and like you just have no capacity to use them. And so maybe when you find yourself like you kind of you've moved from like a productive struggle into just complete shutdown, I would say that would be a good time, maybe even a little bit before that, like you said, like a three out of ten to ask your parents to step in a little bit. Okay. So that's kind of the. Yeah. Like the when what to ask for. You know, there's emotional support. There's, you know, tactical support and there's the best kind, which is like, you know, buy me stuff support. That's my favorite to. So yeah. So the emotional sport, you know I just need to vent. Can you help me calm down with this? You know, this terrible thing happened with my coach or my roommate, and it's just that emotional hug over the phone that you're that you're seeking from your parent. Thinking support would be, you know, I have 15 projects do, and I've got two weeks till I come home for Christmas. Like, can you just help me sort out, you know, what I should do? When and when are you coming? Just more of that logistical stuff. And then, like I said, the best kind. My favorite kind is just that load lightning support. And so, the cafeteria is going to be closed after practice. Can you send me, Venmo me 20 bucks for a pizza? Or my favorite, like, can you Instacart, me some toilet paper and some paper towels and some game, right. I've had so many students say, like that first year that you move into an apartment like you just your parents. I can promise you, do not appreciate how difficult that is for you to manage all the stuff of like being on your own, shopping and making dinner and getting to campus and on top of all your classes and those other things. And so that may be the I guess if we're going to start there, that might be the easiest kind of support to ask for is can you send me a care package? You know, with my favorite shampoo and those kinds of things, because that's a concrete way your parents kind of know that you're helping, and usually they know the things to send. Yeah. So those are kind of the three areas I think of like of the what kind of support to ask for the middle one, the emotional support there. I had an experience the other day with my daughter. So she's in high school and she came home and she had a hard day, and it was just this she saw me sitting in the kitchen and it was this big download, and it was not even I mean, there were some words in there, but it was mostly tears and it was. And so I sat there and I was trying to understand and I could put a couple words together and then I, I'm like very like, let's problem solve. And this was my bad. And I'm learning to. And I immediately jumped into like, well, let's fix this, right? I'm like, okay, so here's the strategy. You know, here's the strategy. And I am so proud of her. She said, stop. I don't need a solution. I just need you to hear me out. She's 15. And the fact that she and I'm not making that up, I'm like, those are. Those are her actual words. She's like, stop. I don't need a solution. I just need you to hear me out. And I was like, oh, that is amazing. Like, I was just so proud in that moment. Just that she could articulate that. And that was in the safety of her own home in her kitchen where she lives, you know, and I can imagine how hard it would be for a student who's living away from home maybe the first time. And, you know, they're in an apartment and they didn't even know about the concept of inventory. And so they have no toilet paper. What was that, the worst time? Oh my gosh, I know. And then in that, in that challenging context to then say I need help with my parents and then to say, this is the kind of help I need, I can imagine that's really, really challenging. But I just wanted to share that story because, like, I messed up as a parent and I will learn next time. And I've seen on Instagram, like parent therapists being like, ask your kid, do you need to listen? Or is this a solution thing? And I know that. But in the moment I was like, I can help you. But she said, stop. Yes, my son's version is okay, mom, no more psychology. Oh, interesting. I love it because even even the you know, oh, tell me more. You know, even when I'm not jumping to solutions, which, you know, I've gotten pretty good at just teaching it for all these years, but, you know, but when I listen to long, it's like, okay, mom, no more psychology, right? It's hard not to because that's who you are. I don't want. Go ahead. No. Go ahead. I mean, I don't want to gloss over this part because, like, this is equal work from the kid, and the parents and parents probably have a lot more work to do. I believe parents should go first in this recalibration of this relationship. You know, it's but there isn't like what to expect when you're expecting, when you're raising a college student and there should be. And that's me. That's what I hope to be for people. So again, just like, you know, I don't know what you came to college with in terms of stressors, in terms of when you're going to ask for help. The how also kind of depends on, you know, what responses you've gotten when you've asked for help. And so if you've been brave enough or ask for help and it hasn't gone very well, you know there's going to be more difficult. But I think the through line is really just, you know, trying to be as clear as possible. Your daughter from now on might come home and say, I don't need solutions. I just need to tell you what happened. You know, I practice today or whatever. So again, just the learning experience. The first thing you can say is, you know, I've got the work part figured out, but I just need some help with the stress or you know, I have a and you shouldn't have to justify it. But if it helps, you know, get get the words out, you know, I've got like five finals today. I totally I'm out of gas. I had no idea that I needed to get in the car, you know, can you Instacart me some some food or some paper towels or something like that? And you can't really control, again, what your parent is going to respond to. And they might just say, well, you know, you should have figured that out, or why don't you think of that ahead of time and just keeping in mind yourself like you're both figuring this out and recalibrating it, showing them a little grace and saying, you know, that's not really helpful. What actually just need is a $20 or redirecting them just like your daughter redirected you. Like, actually what would help me more is or okay, I can think about that next week. But right now, can you help me with I don't know about you, but I'm like a big like I move at a pretty fast pace, you know, it's like, okay, you get out of school only just because I just moved my kids home. But like, okay, you get a school this day, all right? Like, what day are you going to start work and what, you know, when can you unpack? And grandma's really wanting to see you. And my kids are just like, you know, actually, right now I just need to, like, play with my kids cats for a little bit or, or sleep for a week. And so. It will take some practice. But, and if you don't have the parents that are open to that, then yeah, you might have to use teachers or other people's parents or, you know, different kinds of resources. But I really hope, especially parents listening to this, you are in a place where you're open to learn and and trying to help college go better for your student and help them learn the skills. And learning how to ask for help, even in adversity, is a skill that they'll take everywhere. I think that's so valuable. You mentioned earlier that a couple of times now that parents when when they have a student, when their kid is living with them in the home, like in a younger grade, they can see all the visual cues as to, okay, they're, you know, eating four bowls of Fruity Pebbles. They are, you know, throwing everything away in the house there, you know, the telltale signs of a student approaching overwhelm. And you don't have those visual cues in college, but I would imagine there's still some kind of cues, signs that a parent, maybe they can level up their perception a little bit, you know, like, well, these text messages are more infrequent, right? Or these text messages I'm getting from my kid are more frequent, like just recognizing that there's a difference, whatever the difference is, is a big one. Like all of a sudden, you know something you say that's benign. It's like, yeah, fine. Or, you know, or just yeah, radio silence is a big one. So that's something that parents can think is like, okay, is there are there any are there any changes here? and then for a student who's, let's say they found themselves, their past that three out of ten and they're at a seven out of ten and they reach out to their parents and for whatever reason, no shame on the parents side, but they're not able to get the help that they want, that they need from their parents. You would mention, you know, other kind of resources as obviously you. But in the moment, I mean, are we talking like student services at the school? We talking friends we talking aren't. What do you see can be helpful? I mean, I think the ultimate goal for all of us is to learn, learn how to self-regulate to some extent. And I think, again, if you're at a seven out of ten, like I don't want to add more to your plate. So yeah, like right now you should figure out, like, okay, if my parents aren't available, if they say something stupid, like, what is my next step? And if it's 2 a.m., it might be, you know, what does calm you down? Do you go take a hot shower? Do you go grab your lavender shower tabs and, you know, get some sensory stuff? Do you grab your roommate and go get a coffee? Do you go for a walk? Any kind of movement is really great. Throw cold water on your face. So like, as much as this conversation is about how do you rely on other people? Sometimes there are times, you know, you and I both too, like you, just have to run the Starbucks and take care for yourself or. But but certainly, you know, if you're not feeling safe, obviously getting out of your dorm room or wherever you are and just contacting your RA or your professor or going to student services, whatever that looks like on your campus. If you're really feeling that overwhelmed and and shut down, and I'm hopeful you'll consider some of these things long before you get there. Because for most students, that doesn't happen in a vacuum or doesn't happen, you know, just after one test. But it might it might surprise you. Maybe you heard some bad news, or maybe you had a terrible, practice or you didn't get to start or something and you saw, oh, I'm just going to stay for that test. And it just opens a floodgate of, of stress and you cannot think. And now that's on your plate too because the test is tomorrow. So I would just say find somebody and you don't even have to tell them all the dirty details of like what's going on. And that's true for your parent to you could just call and say, it's been a rough week. I just need to hear what the cats are doing. Like we compared cat stories before this started. I have four and there's always stories to tell, and so like that might be a way to to engage your parents without having to tell them everything about what's going on. It's just, you know, you know, tell me what grandpa is up to or, you know, hey, can we talk about, like, our vacation that we're going to take this summer? Just something to get a little bit of different input coming into your brain. You know, there's there are a lot of studies, like your mom's voice just helps correct you at the cellular level. And so, you know, if you have that, hopefully you have the type of relationship and even just hearing a familiar voice, your brain is like, okay, like this is familiar territory. I've been here before and that can help, help regulate you. It doesn't have to be your parents, could be your sister. It could be your best friend. So just something to get a little bit even put coming in. That's not about the stressful situation. Can, you know, maybe take it back down to a four piece is so, so important. And the self-regulation piece that you brought up earlier as well. Okay. So for those who are listening, I'm going to I'm going to put you on the spot. I want to put you on the spot. I'm going to ask you to share. And are you shared a ton of tips today? But I said I'd never be the person who's like, as we land this plane, but as we land this plane. I would like you to share, if you can, a tip for students who are in it right now who are thinking, I could use some support and I don't know what my first step is, and then the tip as well. For parents who are like, I know my kid needs support and they're not asking me, and I know, I know they've they're out of sync, they're out of whack, but they're not asking me and I don't know how to help them. Can you offer one tip for each putting you on the spot? I think you've said it. I think, you know, the easiest tip is just get out of your head and connect with somebody, whether that's parents or. You know, just find a way. Not on TikTok, not scrolling, but just find a way to reset your environment a little bit. Reset your brain a little bit by just connecting with somebody about something. Because what do they say? Like a worry shared is a worry halved or and again, you don't have to even share the dirty details of how hard the assignment is or anything, but but I would say just, you know, as a first step, just find someone to connect to and maybe a little bit broader. I mean, I'm all about, you know, being proactive, like have your little cheat sheet on your phone or just have a game plan for like, okay, I've got through freshman year. This was stressful. I don't want it to feel like that sophomore year. So like, who are my go to people going to be? So you have a little bit of that plan in addition to the self-regulation and all that kind of stuff that can be helpful for parents. Yeah. It's just like you prepare just like, you know, so much of your content on your podcast is about, you know, preparing so you don't have to react to everything that's executive function, like being prepared to handle handle those stressful situations. Those emotional reactions can be really important. Sometimes it doesn't feel like the highest thing on the list when you're like, no, I got to get this a on this paper to pass the class. But as we mentioned in the beginning, like you can't separate them, they go hand in hand for the rest of your life. If you have no capacity, you will not be able to do the things you really want to do to be successful in college and get to the fun parts and enjoy these four years. Agreed. And what about for those parents who are like, I got to help my kid and they're not asking for it, but I need to do something. What's their first step? I think, like I said earlier, I think the recalibration begins with you like it has every other phase of this parenting journey. And so, I guess two things. One is, you know, picking up on those cues, a text or something that, you know, maybe nothing's different, but it seems like you're really stressed. if you want to talk about it, I'm here. A lot of kids won't talk about it. You know better. So I'm going to send you 20 bucks. Go take yourself and your your roommate out for pizza. So you're, like, offering that support but not making them, like, pour their heart out. And then the second thing would be what you talked about earlier. Like when they share things, check yourself and just educate yourself about like, I mean, I still, you know, if my parents of my kids are upset, I still respond and I know it's coming from my own anxiety. And then I have to think about that for a second. It's like you're basically saying, I'm really harsh on myself. Like you're basically saying, like, you don't think their future self can figure it out and like, oh, they figured it out so far. And so like just checking yourself when you want to, you know, offer a solution when you want to send $100 instead of 20, like when you want to over respond because nobody wants to see their kid hurting. So I would say those couple of things and, and a lot of the resources that I provide right now are for parents because I feel like it's kind of an empty, empty field and an empty space for people to really get good evidence based knowledge about, like, how do you help your kid through these hard parts of college? And so, so my platform is good for that as well. So where can people find you? I think easiest to find me on Instagram. I'm at at Campus Confident. And there you can find links to my newsletter. I'm really proud of those. I have one just for freshman year because we all know freshman year it's like a whole different animal and then one for upperclassmen as well as well as other resources. And just my my frequent tips on how to parent a college student. Wonderful. I think this conversation, I mean, of course it's going to benefit those listening, but selfishly, I'm over here taking notes as well because my daughter I mean, I've got she just finished up her freshman year so she'll be headed off, I believe, to college in three years. That's her goal. And I'm going to have to start from scratch. So it starts now. Yeah, it all starts now. Indeed. Well, thank you so much for this conversation today. I'll be sure to have you back. I feel like we offered, you know, or you did some golden nuggets for both students and parents listening. And that is that does make up the audience of the show. So thank you. And to those listening, the Campus Confident is where you're going to find Doctor VanScoyoc. All right. Thank you so much Katie. All right. Good to see you. You too. Well, that concludes my conversation with Doctor VanScoyoc, and I hope you all got just as much from that conversation as I did as a parent. I know that I needed to hear a lot of what she shared. I think the the through line of it all, the golden nugget, the core message is that there is help out there for students if you learn how to ask for it. If you learn to recognize your own cues that start to signify that you're moving into that, whoops, I'm going to need some support to territory parents. Your kids still need you, and even if they're not asking for it, it benefits both of you to be able to read the signs, read your kid, know how to step in, know how to back off. I share that story with about my own daughter, where I just want to jump in and save the day, and that's not what she needed. So I am learning this at the same time that we all are. You can connect with Doctor VanScoyoc on Instagram at Campus Confident, and I will leave links to her website and other resources in the show notes and in the description box. If you are watching this on YouTube, please subscribe. If you are listening in a podcast app, make sure you follow the show. I appreciate you keep showing up, keep doing the hard work. Keep asking the hard questions and never stop learning.

Head Shot

Katie Azevedo

Host