Heather Graham: Sparkling Clarity, Chosen Tribes & Affirmations That Work

This magnetic, magical showstopper in Swingers, The Hangover, Boogie Nights, and The Spy Who Shagged Me is in The Coop today. Of course, we are talking about the magnificent Heather Graham. But Heather is more than just this lovable bombshell that you see on screen. 

Today in The Coop, Heather talks about her challenging upbringing and how she found healing through building a “chosen family.”  In her 50s, Heather emphasizes the power of affirmations (she teaches us EXACTLY how to do it) and being clear about asking for what you want. People pleasers, take note.

She’s focusing on gratitude for her work and life, authenticity, valuing her incredible girlfriends, and manifesting gorgeous, female-driven stories.

She is on fire in every category y’all. And still evolving.
Here is Heather Graham.

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This episode was produced by Kit Hoover and Harper McDonald. Our Technical Producer is Christian Brown, and this episode was edited by Christian Brown. Writing by Harper McDonald. Business Development by Casey Ladd.

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Transcript

This transcript was generated by AI. Inconsistencies may be present.

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Kit Hoover:

Welcome to the Coop with Kit. My name is Kit Hoover and I have been lucky enough in my 30 years in this business to interview some of the most iconic badass women out there. We all know that girlfriends give the best advice and they're all coming to the co. We're talking career, marriage, kids, sex, aging, all of it. I truly believe we are just hitting our stride. Alright, my chickens, let's get into it. When I say the name Heather Graham, your mind immediately goes to Swingers, the Hangover Boogie Nights, and of course the Spy Who Shagged me. But Heather is much more than that lovable bombshell that you see on the screen. In our conversation, she talks about her challenging upbringing and how she found healing through building a chosen family. I love that. Also, the name, by the way, of her newest movie that she wrote directed in Stars in, she's taken Ownership Baby at 54. Heather emphasizes the power of affirmations. She teaches us a few and being clear about asking for what you want. People pleasers, that's me. Take note. She's focusing on gratitude, authenticity, valuing her girlfriends that she calls the committee, enjoying her guy and manifesting gorgeous female driven stories. She's on fire and I'm not even talking about her. Looks get excited. Here's Heather Graham. Hi Heather Graham, it's great to see you. Okay, we start the coop with one word to describe where you are in your life right now.

Heather Graham:

Right now. I feel happy to talk to you and yeah, you have great energy

Kit Hoover:

And it's fun. First of all, I was laughing with my girlfriends. I was like, Heather Graham's coming on today and the coolest thing about you is all my women friends were like, oh my gosh, I love her. I feel like she's the best girlfriend. And then my one girlfriend is, oh my God, she's my husband's hall pass. Can you get me a video? And so the two is so winning, but do you feel that about yourself?

Heather Graham:

Well, honestly, thank you. That is so flattering. I mean, I'm super grateful. I've been able to do what I love for my whole adult life, so I'm grateful that people like me enough that I get to keep doing this.

Kit Hoover:

You said one word, happy. Are you always happy?

Heather Graham:

No, no, I'm not always happy, but I do have, I think a happy personality in general, which I'm super grateful for. But no, I can totally be bummed out and I think sometimes I worry too much. That's something I've definitely been working on, but my goal is just to always get back to the gratitude because I don't want to miss my life. I was worrying too much and there's a lot of good things happening and I want to be able to enjoy them.

Kit Hoover:

Something else? When you were on the show, I don't know how we went deep so quickly, but we were talking a little bit about your childhood. This was off camera, but you talked about detaching from your parents and I just remember giving you the biggest hug. You never know someone journey and I was just so fascinated by this. Let's go back to your childhood little Heather Graham. What was home life like?

Heather Graham:

Well, I've been listening to your podcast actually. It's super interesting. So I love that you ask all these questions of all these interesting people. My home life was, my father was really, really religious, but in a way that I guess I would describe as religious abuse. He was a very kind of tortured soul. He had a lot of demons and I think he was just abusive in general and my mom was kind of this creative person who I think was a bit frustrated that she couldn't really do her creative work. She wanted to, as I got to be a teenager, my sister got into drugs and alcohol and she definitely had a journey with that. It was really my parents. I don't blame my sister at all. She's just kind of stuck in their dysfunctional system. But I think it was mainly my father. I think my father was abusive. My mom didn't really protect us and it was a dysfunctional family dynamic,

Kit Hoover:

But when you're in it a lot of times for your childhood, you only know what you know. So what was the moment where you were like, hang on a minute, this isn't serving me well,

Heather Graham:

I need to be honest. There's levels I still discover even today where I'm like, that was really screwed up that that happened. Because yeah, when you're growing up in a family, you think it's normal. You think everybody's kind of going through the same thing and it's only when I moved out and got other friends and to be honest, my movie's called Chosen Family, the movie's kind of about that journey where I left my family and discovered just some really nurturing unconditionally loving friends and how they taught me what love is and how to love myself and how to be in a healthy relationship.

Kit Hoover:

By the way, I love your group of friends. I've been doing so much research and listening to a lot of podcasts you've been on. I want to be friends with the committee. Heather Heather's got the greatest group of friends called the Committee I Want In, so we'll discuss when this is over.

Heather Graham:

Okay. You should hang out with us sometime. You're invited. That would be fun. Done. I mean honestly, I love my committee, so I have my old school friends from when I was a teenager, which are the friends I loosely based the chosen family character on and then I kind of have my newer friends we're my committee and we are, it's so cute. Every time I do a podcast and I talk about them, I send it to them and we all laugh and I love talking about them because I love my girlfriends.

Kit Hoover:

Also something else in common, we're both born in 1970, Heather, we're class of

Heather Graham:

88. I mean, you are gorgeous. You're a gorgeous role model I think for our generation. I mean, you're a right

Kit Hoover:

Back at you. You're a bombshell, you're a beautiful attainable bombshell. We came with it. That's something so very relatable. I dunno, there's such thing as a relatable bombshell, but that's your new title my friend. Okay,

Heather Graham:

That's hilarious. I

Kit Hoover:

Love it. What were you like in high school?

Heather Graham:

I was super nerdy. I was insecure. I was in drama. I had a high IQ and I basically was in advanced placement classes, which was kind of great because I got a great grade point average, but I just was really obsessed with being an actress and I only applied to one school because I just wanted to stay in la so the only school I applied to was UCLA, which I got into and I did go there for a few years, but I started working as an actress when I was 17, so I kind of just got bitten by the bug and it was hard to devote myself to college at that point.

Kit Hoover:

First of all, to get into UCLA is so hard, but going back to that smart and nerdy, did you get attention from boys because your inner is just as beautiful, but you're outside, you're gorgeous.

Heather Graham:

No, honestly, if I sent you some pictures, one, I sent a photo to one of my friends and they said, you look like you're Mormon or something. I definitely, my family sort of controlled what I was wearing, so I was conservatively dressed and I don't think, I was not considered one of the pretty girls in school at all. So when I auditioned, my first film was licensed to drive and I played the pretty popular cheerleader and when I got that part, it was so bizarre because I was like, don't they know I'm this awkward nerd? I didn't really know how to dress. I didn't really know what to do with my hair or makeup.

Kit Hoover:

You'll be sending, I need visuals. I need visuals. By the way, I had a unibrow and I weighed about 45 pounds. I'm five feet tall. I don't know what exactly my look was. I was tiny.

Heather Graham:

I bet you still looked good though. I bet you still looked very

Kit Hoover:

Good. The key was, I was like, no

Heather Graham:

One's good. Wait, what were you like? Were you cool or were you nerdy or what were you like?

Kit Hoover:

I was really small, which is funny because I think everybody matured faster than me, but I've always been a happy person and I think I just was like, I'm going to have the greatest time wherever I am and I'm very athletic, so sports were like my thing, so I just,

Heather Graham:

You are happy. You do have a good happy vibe

Kit Hoover:

And so thank you for that.

Heather Graham:

I mean, I do still have one of my friends from high school, my friend Allison, who I loosely based the Andrea Savage character on in the movie, but I love her so much. I've known her since she was 14. It's amazing when you know somebody your whole life like that, it's pretty awesome.

Kit Hoover:

Okay, wait, so License to Drive happens and were you like, oh my gosh, I've made it. This is it.

Heather Graham:

I mean, I do remember this feeling of driving onto the 20th Century Fox lot. I think at that point I had a driver's license so I could drive myself to work and I remember thinking, these people are letting me drive into this lot. This is crazy. I'm allowed to drive in and act in a movie. I felt so excited.

Kit Hoover:

I remember you, I think the first time I saw you was growing Pains with Kurt Cameron that I thought was just the cutest boy at the time. What do you remember about that?

Heather Graham:

Oh, had a huge, huge crush. I mean, that was my first TV show, which is, I think I was actually 16 then and it's funny, I just did this press where they had a picture of it and I was looking at it. It's so cute to see your little 16-year-old self. I mean that was also blew my mind. It's fun when you grow up and you watch movies and television and you get a crush on an actor like Kirk Cameron and then you actually get to meet them. It's pretty exciting.

Kit Hoover:

Well, that's like my friend that you're his hall pass. You can never meet him. You're not allowed to meet your Hall Pass. I can't

Heather Graham:

Bring you over to Pasina. I don't want to disappoint him after all that. I mean, I feel honored that I'm a Hall Pass.

Kit Hoover:

Is it true that back in the day you turned down and what role were you going to be?

Heather Graham:

I was going to be the lead Heather and holy shit, I was so excited. I mean, Winona Rider is so cool to get to be in a movie with her, but my parents wanted to read the script and they thought it was offensive and so they told me that they were going to kick me out of the house and if I did it well, basically it was my father. It wasn't really my mother. My father told me I would kick me out of the house, and so I hadn't graduated high school yet, so it was kind of, I just thought, okay, I'm going to graduate high school and then I'm just going to not let them read my scripts anymore, which is what I did.

Kit Hoover:

So you had to turn down the role because of them and then you moved out after that?

Heather Graham:

Well, they threatened to kick me out of the house, which at that point, I mean I had made money for License to Drive, which to be honest, being an actress has been very empowering financially because as a woman there's something incredible about you don't have to rely on a man, you don't have to rely on your father. You don't have to rely on your husband or boyfriend. So I've just been so grateful that I've been able to financially support myself my whole life and that is one of the things I'm the most grateful about. I love working too. Me too. It's fun to have something to do. I mean, I know there's some women they don't want to work or they want to be taken care of, which that's cool if you want that. I actually just really love working.

Kit Hoover:

I love all of your roles. I mean God, Lorraine from Swingers, we've decided here at the Coop is our favorite. My producer was obsessed with your hair and the way you tug it behind your ears and then don't sleep on Roller Girl and I'm laughing. Okay, so if your parents were upset about Heathers, which I'm so mad at them, what do they think about Roller Girl? You're like, I see you mom and dad and let me skate in here and show you what it's all about.

Heather Graham:

That was when I, when I agreed to do that part, that was after I had stopped talking to them, but I did receive a letter from my father where he said, I know that Hollywood slash Satan has claimed a mortal soul, but there's still time to repent. Call Father Peter on his cell phone. I remember getting that letter and then he used to subscribe me to this magazine called Catholic Daughter's Return to the Faith, and I would just get this monthly magazine and I actually put it in the movie Chosen Family. There's a scene where the dad gives her this magazine.

Kit Hoover:

I mean, I love that you're using your art for all this healing and I can tell by the way you can talk about this, Heather, that you've put in all of this work to get to where you are. It actually is upsetting to me to hear as a parent.

Heather Graham:

I mean, I just want to say that obviously I totally respect and admire people that are religious and they have a lot of inspiration from their religion. I think the way that I learned about religion from my father, it was abusive. So yeah, it gave me a really bad taste in my mouth about religion and I had to really as an adult, go past that, define my own connection with a higher power and my own spirituality because it really just left a judgmental, horrible taste in my mouth.

Kit Hoover:

They say make your mess your mission, so to speak, and it's sort of like you've used all of this in these tools to be where you are right now and now of writing, directing. I got chills when it came up when I was watching the trailer for Chosen family. What a full circle moment for you. What did that feel like to channel your life and put it into this movie?

Heather Graham:

I feel like I've healed a lot of things in my life that were super hard. If I look back, it's been a journey and I think I wanted to share that in a movie and make it funny, and so take some dark subject matter that you could look at and go, okay, well that's a little disturbing or a lot disturbing and just make you laugh at it. For me, I learned how to set boundaries and not be a people pleaser and just how to get clear on what I want and not just only try to do what other people want me to do basically.

Kit Hoover:

Okay, this is another reason we need to be friends. I'm a people pleaser Heather, and I'm in therapy. I'm working on it and honestly, my mom, I'm from the south, she's like, honey, those worse things than being a people pleaser. And I'm like, no, but bug. We call my mom bug. I need to be better because it's at my detriment now. I see with a lot of things. Any tools you can share with me?

Heather Graham:

Your mom sounds cute. I love your impersonation. You'll meet her. Okay. Part of my committee, Nina Bergman, she's one of I think the most emotionally intelligent people I've ever met, but I always call her, I'm like, oh, this is happening. That's happening. And she just says, well, what do you want? That's always the thing to combat people pleasing is having either saying to yourself or talking to a friend saying, well, what do you want? That's the opposite of people pleasing, is just asking yourself, what do I

Kit Hoover:

Want? The therapist asked me that Heather and I didn't have an answer. I was like, truthfully, and how weird, here I run this business. Part of the reason I started this podcast was to do something that I could have ownership of, but I was like, I you want to

Heather Graham:

Empower women. I want to empower women. Your show is all about empowering women, I think.

Kit Hoover:

Yes. Which is funny, which is what you're doing with your movie and again, us being the same age, was that a conscious decision like this, you can control this. Isn't the studio saying to you, I want this kind of film or this, or I want you as this character?

Heather Graham:

No, I mean it's like I grew up where there weren't as many opportunities for older women in Hollywood and then I see these trailblazing people like Reese Witherspoon just doing movies and going, there's a huge audience of women out there that want to watch these stories, so let's cater to them and let's empower them and let's tell stories about them. And so I think it's really cool that more stories are being made by women, about women of all different ages.

Kit Hoover:

This is going to continue this wheel a turn in. Oh, this makes me so happy for you. Okay, the other thing when I was doing a deep dive on you, I love the woo woo side of you. I love this sort of spirit. This is where I am in my life and I was learning so much from you, Heather, about these affirmations. First of all, tell me what they are and how they work.

Heather Graham:

Okay, well, I want to give another shout out to Louise Hay because if you read Louise Hay's book, you Can Heal Your Life, which is an amazing book, but it's basically this exercise I do with my committee friends, but basically we write down what do we want? We write down a list of what do I want, and then we write down a list of what are our deepest fears, and then we take everything we want and say we have it already in the affirmation. I have the most amazing relationship and I'm living in my dream home and I'm making the film that I wrote and it's coming out. Stuff like that. And then you take your deepest fear, whatever you're afraid of, say it's like aging, right? I am my most beautiful I've ever been. I feel fantastic in my body and I love my life. So you flip it, you flip your fear and you act like you have the thing that you want.

Kit Hoover:

Now this is, and one thing I was learning is, and I think people do it wrong, it's not I want you are already present in it, so just explain that

Heather Graham:

I make up my friend, different people I know do this. I'll give them a little assignment. You can't say, well, I'm trying to make money, make money, money. You have to say, I'm making tons of money doing what I love easily and effortlessly. It has to be like it's already happening. You can't be like, I'm trying to find a relationship. You have to be like, I'm in this incredible relationship. It's the love of my life, but I've never been happier. You got to say it. And even if it's not true,

Kit Hoover:

Wow, I want everybody to put this in practice. The other thing I'm learning about myself, Heather, is it's almost slowing down enough to acknowledge that these are the feelings you're feeling, right? Sometimes it's hard to discuss fears. I feel like for me, again, back to the pleaser, I just go faster. I'm just going to go faster and everything's okay. So to slow down enough,

Heather Graham:

I totally do that.

Kit Hoover:

Yeah,

Heather Graham:

I totally, totally do that. No, I've been working on three things in my life, relax more. I feel like I get really tense and sort of worrying like I was saying, and then give myself words of affirmation, kind, supportive cheerleading words instead of being hard on myself and just to go slower. I feel like I'm always rushing around when I really don't need to, so I'm trying to go slower.

Kit Hoover:

I'm the same. I'm a work in progress. How do you feel? So we're the same age 54, Heather on the inside, there's a stillness and there's more. I can just sort of accept everything that's coming my way. How are you feeling about this age?

Heather Graham:

It's funny because I feel young. I don't think when I think, oh, I'm 54, I don't go. I feel like I'm what I perceive 54 to be. I feel like I'm like 40 or something like that. Do you know what I mean?

Kit Hoover:

Yes.

Heather Graham:

But I do respect the wisdom that I've gained. I feel like I'm more powerful. I feel like I am better at expressing what I feel and what I want in a loving way. I'm always working on this idea of being a more loving parent to yourself, and I think that allows you to be more loving to the people around you. So I think I've developed a strong inner parent muscle. I think I would be a much better parent today than I would've been if I was 25 and I had a kid.

Kit Hoover:

And I love what you said, a much better parent though to yourself as well. I love thinking of that. That's fascinating to me.

Heather Graham:

Well, if your family doesn't give you some of the things you wanted, it's just this idea. Well, it's up to you to give it to yourself. So that's what I've been working on now is how can I give myself that love through my own inner parent to my inner child and really heal that?

Kit Hoover:

I think that is so beautiful, and I think a lot of our listeners, honestly, they didn't grow up with the family that they wanted. What a prolific thing. Okay, speaking of that, Heather, we've got to get some advice from our coop listeners. We're going to manifest. Okay. There's sort of three things we reached out and said you were coming on that people wanted you to talk about. Okay. The number one thing, okay, career. I gave up my career for my family. I'm now in my fifties. I don't feel relevant. I don't know what skillset I have. What is their affirmation? What are they saying to themselves?

Heather Graham:

Well, I would first say to them, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want to be doing? What makes you feel happy? It doesn't matter what other people think about you. It doesn't matter if random people think you're relevant. It's just like what brings you joy? You want to garden, you want to go back to work? You want to go back to college? I think the most important thing is just to ask yourself what do I want? And then just give yourself permission to go after it.

Kit Hoover:

So what would they say to themselves to speak that out?

Heather Graham:

I don't know if their goal is to just appreciate and love where they are in that moment and love themselves, or if their goal is some sort of new work project.

Kit Hoover:

I'm hearing from a lot that they had jobs before and then they gave it up for the kids so they're missing that side of them. So now they're empty nesters and they're like, F, what do I do now?

Heather Graham:

And is their goal they want to work again?

Kit Hoover:

Yes.

Heather Graham:

I have my dream job. I'm making so much money doing what I love. I feel so deeply fulfilled and satisfied and what I give to the world is a gift.

Kit Hoover:

Oh, you're so good at this. Ooh, the committee would be proud. Okay, here's another one. We're getting divorce. I'm in my fifties. I had the life that I thought I wanted. I'm divorced now. I'm alone. I'm never going to find love again. Help.

Heather Graham:

Well, of course. Look, I've totally been there. You break up with someone, you're like, will I ever go on a date? I mean, you need to surround yourself with love with people that are like, you can have whatever you want. I mean, there's different women. Some women want to fall in love again. Maybe some women are like, I don't want to a relationship, but let's say you do want, I mean, you could just say, I'm with the love of my life. I've never been happier. This is the most intimate, sexy, amazing relationship. I feel so seen and supported and appreciated and adored.

Kit Hoover:

Write that down ladies, for you, Heather, what was dating in your fifties? Can you share any words of wisdom?

Heather Graham:

I did have a moment where the last boyfriend that I was with when we broke up, I said to her, I think everyone has this moment where I just said, will I ever go on another date? Am I ever going to get another guy to want to go out with me? I had the same moment as your listeners

Kit Hoover:

Guys, she is human. Okay,

Heather Graham:

You got to say it to a supportive friend, go where the love is. You got to have that good friend. She was just like, of course you can meet somebody else. You're amazing. You're the most incredible catch mean. She actually set me up with the guy I'm dating now as well. But I think you just got to surround yourself with love and support and just believe that you can get what you want. I mean, there's a good saying. What other people think of you is none of your business. And also, so if someone's saying something negative to you, who cares? You got to detach from caring about what other people think and just do an affirmation. This is the prime of my life. I feel amazing. All my dreams are coming true. Something like that. I don't think men in their fifties are walking around and going, I'll never ever get a job. I think it's just sexism. And I do think as women that we're sexist against ourself. We kind of take in the cultural things and we can be sexist against ourselves. So it's like how do you free yourself from the cultural bondage of

Kit Hoover:

Sexism? We were talking before we went on my producer and me, we love that you don't have this checklist of what your life has to be. We feel like you've been very out of the box and done all this work to get where you are. Do you see that about yourself?

Heather Graham:

It is great. When somebody's so wonderful, you just says all these super, you feel like you're being seen. I mean, one of my members of my committee, Liz Plank, she was doing a podcast about women who don't have children and how just that it's okay not to have kids. If that wasn't your path and you didn't feel as drawn to that as some other women just to celebrate your life as it is. They say that basically single women are the happiest people. So any of your listeners that are single, I'm worried.

Kit Hoover:

I just read this article about it in The Atlantic. Yes, all about this.

Heather Graham:

I just want to let you know, as a single woman, you are considered to be the happiest person due to scientific research. It's like number one, single woman, number two, married men. So as a single woman, you can give all that love and care that you were giving away to your kids and your husband. You can give it to yourself right now.

Kit Hoover:

Take that in, listeners, put that on there. Do you ever want to get married, Heather? Is that even something that you want to do?

Heather Graham:

Well, two of my best friends, my friend Michael and Julia, they're kind of my inspiration. They actually are totally unconventional. They dated for 10 years before they got married and then they waited another five years to have a kid. And I am inspired by just this idea of you already have a good relationship and it's not just like, oh, two years later I met you. We got to get married. This is what you're supposed to do. I just like the idea if I'm in a relationship for a long time and it just seems like the next romantic step, I do think it could be good, but I don't feel like if I go through my life and never get married, I think that's also fine.

Kit Hoover:

I think there's something so beautiful. I do think it makes you maybe in some ways not work harder, but just be more realistic about it. I dunno, there's something quite beautiful about that.

Heather Graham:

Yeah, I mean, I'd rather have this great relationship than be married because there's a lot of unhappy people I know that are married. So just getting married is not solving all the problems.

Kit Hoover:

Back to our affirmations, and this one I hate because I don't dunno. If you've got a bunch of friends like this, it involves breast cancer. It's where we are. Six of my best friends diagnosed. I eff and hate this thing.

Heather Graham:

Know I'm knocking on wood right now.

Kit Hoover:

I know, knock on my head.

Heather Graham:

I do an affirmation about being healthy, like I'm healthy. I feel so good inside my body. This is the best time of my life to combat whatever the stigma of being a certain age and how you're supposed to feel and I'm sleeping so well and I'm having the best sex of my life and things like that.

Kit Hoover:

Oh, first of all, when Heather says sex of her life, everybody, if you're not watching, you're listening. It's just, it's it, it's it. I love that you talk about that. You have such an important journey with your sexuality. How did this come to be?

Heather Graham:

Well, basically I grew up in this extremely religious, very patriarchal, very negative about sex, but mostly more towards women than men. It was super shaming about sexuality and so to learn how to love your own sexuality and what feels good to me, what do I want? What kind of relationship do I want? I have a friend and I sometimes call him when I'm freaking out and worrying and he goes, chase fun or chase pleasure. So you got to go after what makes you feel good.

Kit Hoover:

And I was listening to you on a podcast. It says, I want all ladies to listen up. And you were talking about what works for you back in the day though as don't sleep with people early on and it's sort of giving up that power and you're definitely sex positive was my whole point of this, but share a little of that insight.

Heather Graham:

Well, I think it all goes back to what you want. Asking yourself that question, what do I want? If you want casual sex and you don't care about having a relationship, do whatever you want, have sex as quickly as you want. If you want a relationship and you're finding that you're not choosing the right person or that you're going quickly and the other person isn't wanting the same thing. I think it's important to be clear from the beginning. I want a relationship. And I do think as a woman, we get connected more quickly. And once again, my friend Nina Bergman, who I love to quote, but it took her a while to convince me. She's like, you got to wait. You got to make 'em work for it. You're a prize. She's like, you're the prize. It's not about getting some guy to you. It's like you're the prize. You're the prize and the guy should work for

Kit Hoover:

You. Yes. Also, we get distracted if you're doing the number it, you know what I mean? You're going to start focusing on the wrong things. It's almost like having your power doing the number.

Heather Graham:

Yes. No, I mean I love that Nikki Glaser, that comedian has this whole standup routine where she talks about this guy with this weird necklace and how she's like, why is he wearing that stupid necklace? And then she has sex with him and then she's like, oh my god, that necklace. Oh, that necklace. I can't believe how sexy that. And I just think that's what happens when you have sex with 'em. Whatever kind of annoying or bad qualities they have, it's just like the hormones flood your brain and you just think they're amazing.

Kit Hoover:

Oh, it is. The beer goggles. They come in and on that note, Heather, alcohol is not a part of your life. When did this happen? Was this a conscious decision?

Heather Graham:

I guess for health reasons and because I was struggling with some different kind of health stuff, and so I was trying all these different alternative medicines and I tried acupuncture and then acupuncture said, go on this health cleanse and part of it involved don't drink. So afterwards I just felt amazing and then when I started drinking again, I thought, I just don't feel as good. I think I just feel better when I don't drink. Also, I don't want to get fat. No. And also

Kit Hoover:

Aging. Aging at our age, it is a thing. You can see a difference. And so many of my girlfriends have just stopped because it stopped serving them. They're like, I just don't feel good anymore doing it. So there is something.

Heather Graham:

Yeah, I mean, look, as a younger person, it doesn't hurt as bad the next day. Maybe you don't gain as much weight, you don't feel as crappy afterwards. I think I reached a point where I'm like, I prefer to just feel really good than to have a momentary buzz and then feel bad for a bunch of hours the next day.

Kit Hoover:

Has it made other aspects of your life even better? What I hear from all of my friends,

Heather Graham:

I mean, look what I occasionally, if someone has wine and they're like, do you want to try it? I'll try it or taste something or whatever, but I do feel happier. I feel like sometimes when I was drinking, I never had a problem. I never was a huge drinker or drug person, but I definitely think I put myself in situations that I would not have put myself in if I wasn't drinking. Maybe who did I date or what did I?

Kit Hoover:

Things

Heather Graham:

That I did moving too quickly with dating, we were just talking about,

Kit Hoover:

Alright Heather, let's play a little game. Let's get random. By the way, I'm having so much fun, so

Heather Graham:

I know you're so fun. Your energy is so fun.

Kit Hoover:

No, what is she relatable friend on shell? Yeah, our unattainable, your relatable bomb chef. That's our other T-shirt.

Heather Graham:

That's exactly what I was going for.

Kit Hoover:

I'm going to put

Heather Graham:

That in my affirmation.

Kit Hoover:

Put that in your affirmation. It's so great. It's happening. Favorite curse word?

Heather Graham:

I mean, can I say it? I guess. Fuck. So it's so powerful and fun.

Kit Hoover:

I started to say F just because the kids, I was saying it too much. It just works for everything, Heather. It just works, right? It's just the best word

Heather Graham:

I know. It's just like, fuck. It's just like, oh, it's a good word.

Kit Hoover:

I have to apologize on the podcast to my mom bug every time I say it. She was like, honey, no, Uhuh. You don't need to say that.

Heather Graham:

Wait, why is her name bugged? That's so cute. How did she get that

Kit Hoover:

Growing up? My dad used to call her bug and then when I had kids, it was something to call them Heather. My parents got divorced after 40 years of marriage and both ended up with their first loves. Whoa, how about that? Crazy.

Heather Graham:

Well see. There you go. That's inspiring to what you're saying about what's your listeners. Maybe sometimes it's good if your relationship ends. Maybe you're on the path to something new and better.

Kit Hoover:

It doesn't have to be one way, which again, we were all brought up the same, especially in our age group, that it was this certain path you had to take, oh, fill in this blank. We're calling this the next chapter. Wouldn't it be fun to

Heather Graham:

Feel great about myself every day? I think that's the thing I've learned the most from getting older is that I used to be really hard on myself and just think all this negative stuff and now I'm just like, I don't have the energy to do that anymore. I just want to feel good, enjoy my life and just inspire myself.

Kit Hoover:

Last time you roller skated,

Heather Graham:

I roller skated during the pandemic because there was this really adorable great cute girl that was like roller skating and my publicists were like, you should roller skate and put it on TikTok. So I did. I kind of trained myself a little bit and it was hard actually. You just need a really good place to roller skate. You need a flat surface with some good

Kit Hoover:

Asphalt, but when you, Heather Graham roller girl breaks down roller skates, does the place go bananas?

Heather Graham:

Well, I do remember going to a party at one point after Boogie Nights and it was a roller rink party. I remember skating down. I hadn't skated for a while and I wiped out. I totally fell over and everyone's laughing. The guy was like, roller girl, you just wiped out. I was just like, oh my God. You really have to keep up that skill. It's not like riding a bicycle.

Kit Hoover:

What about Halloween? There's still Roller girl costumes. It's still the greatest Halloween costume of all time. Have you ever rocked it?

Heather Graham:

No, but you know what? I moved and I found the roller skates. I had the roller skates in my closet and I was talking to my manager and I said, dad, I wonder if I should just give these away. And she's like, I'm going to call the Academy Museum, and they asked to put them in the Academy Museum, so I donated them.

Kit Hoover:

That's super cool. Speaking of your career, what would you say is the rose and thorn of your career if there even was a thorn?

Heather Graham:

It's really great to get to make money doing what you love and the thorn is that while people say really wonderful things to you, you can obviously, sometimes people say things that aren't as nice, and so just kind of developing a shell around yourself to protect yourself against that.

Kit Hoover:

I'm thinking as you're saying that, talking about it in high school, you said you were the nerdy smart girl and then you're getting cast to these bombshell roles and you and I have been sort of laughed about the bombshell thing, so was that hard for you because you see yourself one way and yet the world is seeing you and telling you you're another?

Heather Graham:

It is frustrating as a woman that I feel like there's not as many roles and there's not as many opportunities and sometimes you're just being perceived through a male lens, but at the same point, I try to just get back into gratitude about it. I get to make money doing what I love and meet all these interesting people like you, and I'm still working. I'm about to start shooting this movie and I get to do all these stunts, which is something that I've always kind of wanted to do to do more action in a movie, so I'm very excited about that.

Kit Hoover:

Can you share any more about the new movie where you're going to be kicking ass?

Heather Graham:

Yes. It's called They Will Kill You and it is a Skydance new line movie and Azzy Beats is the lead.

Kit Hoover:

Wow. What kind of stunts are you going to be doing?

Heather Graham:

Fighting. Fighting scenes. I'm very excited. Yeah, I'm a badass fighter in this movie.

Kit Hoover:

How do you know? Of course you are. We just had Jessica Alba and she was like, oh, in my fight scene there's no gun. It's with a knife because it allows me to do all kinds of wizardry.

Heather Graham:

Wow. No, I was listening to your interview with her. It was really interesting.

Kit Hoover:

Thank you.

Heather Graham:

Yeah, I get to fight. I have fight with weapons, not a gun. It's more like combating.

Kit Hoover:

Is that something you've always wanted to do again and this kind of goes against the stereotype?

Heather Graham:

It is, yeah. I love when women kick ass. It's so cool to watch women Kick ass or women are fighting each other or women fighting a man. It's really cool. Just watching women win is so fun.

Kit Hoover:

What are you manifesting next for your career and for your life?

Heather Graham:

I would really like my own production company like a Reese Witherspoon or Margot Robbie, just to be able to make female driven stories that are interesting and just, I do feel like what you watch impacts how you feel about yourself, so I do feel like growing up in a culture where you're not seeing stories told from a female point of view or there's kind of like a subtle sexism in the movies you watch. I think it does matter. So I like to be part of this wave of women changing the culture by telling our stories.

Kit Hoover:

True or false? We were freaking out over here. You dated Ad Rock from the Beastie Boys, you're fighting for your right to party.

Heather Graham:

We did. Wow. You guys have done a lot of research. I'm proud of that. He's a cool guy. He's so cool. He's a very cool guy.

Kit Hoover:

Oh, I just love,

Heather Graham:

I know. I do feel lucky. I've gotten to dates some kind of interesting, but no, I dated him when I was 18 years old and he was just in the height of his Beastie Boys

Kit Hoover:

Thing. How did you meet and take me on the inside of some of those dates?

Heather Graham:

I think I met him at a party and it was after Drugstore Cowboy, so I think I was in a moment of indie cool actress vibe and so yeah, I started to hang out with him and that was really cool.

Kit Hoover:

Oh, I just loved his look. I was like, oh, I like that cute little Jewish look. That was so my vibe, and yet he was such a badass.

Heather Graham:

I know Jewish guys are cute.

Kit Hoover:

Oh, here we go. What's in your bedside drawer, Heather?

Heather Graham:

My sex toys? No,

Kit Hoover:

When Katie ERs laughed about that, I said, oh Lord, we've hit a new high at the coop.

Heather Graham:

Well, I mean, I'm not saying I don't have that. No, I mean I love reading. I always have a book that I'm reading. My Kindle

Kit Hoover:

Favorite vice.

Heather Graham:

I love chocolate and peanut butter mixed together.

Kit Hoover:

Okay. Are you just like the classic greases or are we going to the Trader Joe's cup or do we make it ourselves?

Heather Graham:

Okay, so in the morning I try to make a decadent but not candy. I make this oatmeal, I toast it in butter, and then I put caco nibs and peanut butter on it. So I eat it every day, but any kind. Yeah, Reese's is definitely so good, but I try not to eat that all the time. But every morning I have, it's basically like a peanut butter chocolate oatmeal cookie.

Kit Hoover:

Oh my gosh. Are you a good cook?

Heather Graham:

I'm pretty good. Yeah. I would have a dinner party and cook. I think I wouldn't put myself as some sort of gourmet chef, but I would say I could make delicious food that people would enjoy.

Kit Hoover:

That's an affirmation. I need that in my new thing. I'm like, here we go. It sounds like you have a

Heather Graham:

Committee there. You got

Kit Hoover:

Your committee, right? I do. Harper McDonald, lean in. This is Harper McDonald. Thanks for your fun vibes off screen.

Harper McDonald:

I'm loving this. That's the best morning ever, ever for us.

Kit Hoover:

And what's great, Heather is I started the coop for this reason to learn from women around our age and older and younger that are doing things purposeful for themselves. Right.

Heather Graham:

I love it. No, I feel in the past women would sometimes compete against each other to get this man, and now I feel like after I thought Me Too was a great moment. It's sort of like no women band together to support each other and have each other's backs. I feel like that's a cool cultural shift that I think is amazing.

Kit Hoover:

Okay, last question. I've had a ball with you. What makes you happy, Heather?

Heather Graham:

Being grateful for everything in my life. That's good. Talking to cool people like you. Go where the love is. Go towards the warmth. Go towards the people that appreciate you and get you talking to you on this podcast or my committee or my chosen family friends.

Kit Hoover:

Thank you for sharing your morning with me here you are in South Africa kicking ass on your new movie. This was a wonderful morning Harper and I are so full of love and gratitude, so thank you for all of this and we'll chat again, but everybody October 11th, go see the new movie, the Chosen Family. It's incredible.

Heather Graham:

No, thank you. Thanks for having me on your podcast. I love what you guys are doing. It's inspiring. It makes a difference. It's so cool. You're making inspiring women with all these cool stories of all these interesting people and I'm grateful to be included.

Kit Hoover:

All right, well I will see you soon my friend. Tell the committee we're coming. I'm coming for him. You tell 'em. Okay. Okay, thanks. Sweet girl. Have a great one. Alright, thanks Kit. Okay, bye. Oh, she's so awesome. Oh, I love that laugh. Let me bring in my producer Harper McDonald Harper. Is she not

Harper McDonald:

Just so lovely? She is just a lovely, phenomenally fabulous human being.

Kit Hoover:

Just a bright light.

Harper McDonald:

Absolutely. I know one of the things, and I love that you guys got right into it, which was her child and it was something that was really hit you really hard. Most don't detach from their family at such an early point in life, and obviously she was so wise at that point to recognize that it wasn't serving her. What did you think about that?

Kit Hoover:

I can't even fathom being that age and what she's accomplished and how brave she is to have done that and then this life that she has created herself

Harper McDonald:

And the fact that she has become her own loving parent.

Kit Hoover:

When she said that, I thought was struck so poignant, took me a minute to realize what she was saying. I'm not as quick as Harper, but I was like, that was a beautiful sentiment and she's not just saying it. You can tell she's done the work to back

Harper McDonald:

It a hundred percent. I mean she's really gone deep on so many levels and again, I know this connects with the actual work she's doing now, producing, directing and writing and having this chosen family of friends and people that love her and admire her and raise her up. I just love the idea of it and it's created another platform for her to thrive.

Kit Hoover:

And she's not checking the weird boxes that we've all been put in that we've been talking about a lot in our podcast. I feel like she's forging her life that works for her and I love getting into the woowoo stuff and I just like calling it the WOOWOO stuff. I am so into her affirmations. I've written them all down. I've been doing it wrong for years.

Harper McDonald:

We've all been doing it wrong for years. Again, this is why we need to be in the committee. The question that she asked foremost is what do you want? What do I want? Meaning, what do I want in every category of life, right? It's about is your home, your environment, your health, your love life, your friendships? What do you want?

Kit Hoover:

And so many women especially don't answer that. Or most importantly, don't ask the question. And then when I started therapy, the therapist asked me and I was like, oh, I honestly could not answer. I'm thinking about what everybody else wants now. I'm the ultimate people pleaser. Harper's helping me when she started talking about Harper mouth to me. Write this down, put these in your notes. This is for you. You over there little one. Thank you Heather. That's so great Harper. What about at the end when we said, wouldn't it be fun if

Harper McDonald:

Fill in this blank?

Kit Hoover:

And what'd she say

Harper McDonald:

To feel great every day? And I think she does, does feel great. She looks like she feels great every day. She looks like she feels great. She talks like she feels great every day. She embodies that. She feels great every day. I have to say, kid, I feel like you feel like feel great every day. I mean, no matter what is going on, you mask it really well. Even if you don't. Thank you. Talk about affirmation. I mean, you're living the affirmations already.

Kit Hoover:

I think you and I have learned to dive in and do all this. I think one thing is we're learning so much from these incredible women. Thank you, by the way, for saying that. And I really loved everything she said and I cannot wait to practice these affirmations

Harper McDonald:

Daily. The daily. This is so we can talk with our daughters about ours, with our children, about with our partners, about, with our friends, about every single piece that she advised us on is something that will change our lives. I feel like if we did it,

Kit Hoover:

Here's our affirmation. I think our affirmation Harper should be, we have the number one podcast

Harper McDonald:

In

Kit Hoover:

The universe, the solar system,

Harper McDonald:

The number one podcast. And it feels so good. It feels so good. And everyone learns so much from it. They're they're

Kit Hoover:

Inspired. Inspired, oh

Harper McDonald:

My God. See,

Kit Hoover:

Jinx. And we just keep getting incredible people. Now we're vacillating with the idea of letting men in the coop if they come with their moms.

Harper McDonald:

If they come with their moms.

Kit Hoover:

Stay tuned. Hope y'all love that interview as much as we did. Oh, so great. We'll see you next time in the coop. Thank you for joining us, my Chickens. If you like this episode, please give us a five star rating, drop in a great review and tag us at the coop with Kit Hoover as well. You can follow us on social media at the coop with Kit Hoover for behind the scenes content and updates. We will see you next time in the coop. And remember, as my mom bug always says, life is not a dress rehearsal. Make it count. Today's episode was produced by me, kit Hoover and Harper McDonald. Our technical producer is Christian Brown, and today's episode was edited by Christian Brown, business Development by Casey Lad. And a special thank you to all of our sponsors.