2025 Broke Me… But It Also Built Me

#118 I almost didn’t release this episode—and that’s exactly why I had to. In this raw episode, I'm sharing the good, bad, and ugly of a tough year: surviving long-distance D/s, facing kink community drama, and the hard boundaries I drew to protect myself and my work. Listen through the end to hear what’s coming next—and why I'm not backing down.

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Transcript

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Okay, I don't usually do episodes like this, but this year almost took me out. And before you think, why should I care about someone else's chaos? Trust me, the stuff I went through is probably stuff you've lived through too. So let me tell you how 2025 broke me and the really weird ways it built me back up. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living Podcast. Hey everyone, it's Alessandra, and today's episode is going to be really different. This isn't how to build a protocol or how to negotiate a scene. This is more like the good, the bad, and the ugly of my 2025. Because honestly, 2025 broke me, but it also built me. I want to walk you through all of it, the good stuff that made me really grateful, the bad stuff that made this year so heavy, and the ugly that I'm honestly tired of pretending doesn't exist in the kink world. And I don't want to leave you in doom and gloom. So after I talk about the ugly, I am going to share what's coming next year, the things I'm excited about, the things I'm planning for you. So definitely stick around for that part. All right, let's start with the good. So you may already know this, but if you're new here, um, me and my family moved to the LA area a few years ago. Not to California in general. My Dom and I have always been in California, but we moved from the Bay Area down to LA. At first it was great. It was a new area, new energy, sunshine, more kink events. It felt really fun. And then it got complicated. So my Dom, my husband, he is in a union for work. And when we were planning the move, we were told by the Bay Area Union that his union benefits would transfer. You know, same union, just a different local number. So we were under the impression, like, okay, cool, we're safe. His retirement, his benefits, all that will come with us. Then we got down here, and the local union down south basically says, nope, none of that transfers. So now we're being told the opposite of what we were told before. Again, same union, different local, and suddenly they're saying his benefits in retirement won't transfer, which it doesn't make any sense. So my Dom, he made the really hard decision to go back up to the Bay Area for work. So that meant he was leaving Sunday nights and coming home Thursday nights, um, sometimes Friday mornings, actually. Um, and he was doing this every single week. We did that for a whole year, and it absolutely took its toll on our relationship and on our dynamic. Because I am a little girl and he is very much a daddy dom in a lot of respects. We're used to living in a 24-7 DS bubble together. And suddenly, every Sunday night, I felt like I was dying. Every Monday, I felt like I was just dying even more. Um, I was just so needy by the time he left. And then the week would just stretch out so long. Honestly, we fought a lot. It was really hard. There's no rosy way to put this. Um, now the good part of that is we did learn how to be a long-distance couple and how to keep our dynamic alive despite that distance. Um, we got really creative, we did a lot of face timing. We had to figure out rituals and ways to stay connected. Um, and we did. Um, but I don't even need to go into all the details of that year because honestly, it was just so dang hard. Um, I don't know how we survived it, honestly. But the really good news is what came next. So my Dom talked more to the first union, the one up north, and they basically said, yeah, that Southern California union is kind of corrupt. Um they don't like to play by the rules. Um, but here's how you do it legit. Do it this way, file it this way, and they kind of just have to honor it. So, long story short, that's what we did. We followed their instructions, did everything above board, and the SoCal local had to honor it. He was able to transfer and work back down here in Southern California. His company was really happy he was back, so they even gave him a raise. He's a foreman for a construction company, and they really just wanted him here. So our relationship basically did a 180. Um, having him home full time again. Um, I can't even tell you the difference. I can breathe again. And as a little girl with a daddy dom, that separation had been brutal. Um, like I said, by Sunday night and Monday, I felt like I was dying inside. And now that's resolved. He's here, we're together, our dynamic is in a really good place, and that's a huge good for this year. Another really good thing, um, my really good friend down here, Justine Cross. Um, she had her dungeon, Dungeons East, and she closed that and opened a brand new dungeon studio called Stella Obscura. I'm so happy for her. She had an open house for Stella Obscura this year, and she invited me. And I just felt really privileged to be a part of that. Um, it was kind of cute because she called it the dungeon's soft opening. And of course, she made some kind of innuendo joke about a soft opening. Um, if you don't know anything about Justine, she has a wicked sense of humor, but it was just really neat to be there for such a huge milestone for her. It just really felt like, you know, wow, I get to be a part of this little piece of kink history in LA. And it just really struck me that this is something I couldn't do if we weren't down here in Los Angeles. So I was really happy for that. Stella Obscura is just such a cute dungeon. If you're ever in the LA area, definitely check it out. She does dungeon rentals. You can book Time with a Mistress there if you like. And I just, you know, can't wait to go to more events there and be a part of that and to rent it out. And it was just really a bright spot in this year. Um, I'll put a link to the dungeon in the show notes so you can check it out too. And then just some other smaller personal good things. So I don't like to talk about my kids too much, but they're both in really good relationships with their current partners right now. My youngest is going to be graduating from high school in the summer, which I'm super excited about. And they're just both healthy and happy. And honestly, I cannot ask for anything better than that. Um, I also made a trip up north to the Bay Area to see my mom. Um, she, you know, comes down here to see us, you know, since we've moved, but I hadn't actually gone back home in about the the three years since we've been here. So it was just really, really neat to go back. Um, but it kind of reiterated how much I prefer living down here, you know, where it's warm and sunny all the time. But I'm always going to be a Bay Area girl at heart. I will always love San Francisco. Um, I just couldn't live in the Bay Area anymore. It was nice to visit and it was nice to come back home, so that's good. But um yeah, let's turn to the bad now because there was a lot of bad. It was a really hard year, I'm not gonna lie. So, like I mentioned, we're in the LA area now, and January started with the big fires in LA, the palisades and Eton fires. Um, and right up front, we were safe. We weren't in any immediate harm's way, but it was still super, super scary. Um, coming from the Bay Area, I've never had to even look at a fire map before. Um, I know people in Northern California do, people in the foothills do, people who live closer to the forests or in, you know, more rural areas, you know, absolutely they do. But the part of the Bay Area we lived in, we were really just used to earthquakes. LA actually has tons of small earthquakes, and the the bay just has big ones. Um, but fires were never really on my radar. And suddenly, you know, I'm I'm checking fire maps. I'm I'm zooming in and looking, you know, which way is it going? Are we evacuating now? Are we going to have to go? Are our friends evacuating? Thankfully, again, we were fine. All of our friends were fine. The biggest thing we really personally suffered was just the air quality. Um, I have asthma and I have heart issues and breathing problems. So that was really, really hard. Um, having to stay indoors, not really going outside, um, just you know, feeling my lungs tighten, you know, even if I just step outside for a little bit, having to wear masks all the time again. Um, it was tough. And even that obviously doesn't compare to the loss of property, to people losing their homes and their lives, but it was still a very, very scary time. It was also nice in a way to see how Los Angeles came together as a community, um, but it was really, really scary. And then things got extremely scary. And this is going to be hard to talk about, but um things got extremely scary during the summer when we started seeing military and national guardsmen um just basically coming into the streets. There were protests and there were, you know, violence from police officers and from the National Guard. And it was extremely hard to just go about my life. Um I'm actually understating it right now, but there were times where I would open my phone to post something that was just cute and trendy, you know, on social media for Dom Sub-Living. And I just I just couldn't because it was hard to day after day just see people getting abducted from the streets, um, from their places of work, from school, from their cars, and to just see the state of the nation take the path that it is taking. And this is kind of where it gets really personal. Um, because like I said, I I do not like to talk about my kids a lot, but this was uh a time where it was just extremely, extremely hard for me as a mother. My oldest son, um, without you know speaking too much for him, but he is gay. And as a parent, as a mother, we always want what's best for our children. We just want them to be healthy and happy. Um, it has always been a scary time in this world to be gay. But now the fact that they were even considering rolling back gay marriage earlier this year here in the US, that was just a huge stressor this year. Just seeing the homophobia in the world, especially coming from adults in power, is really hard to witness as a parent. Hearing that rhetoric just over and over again, it just wears on you. And then there's my son's living situation. My older son is technically an adult, even though I still see him as a child. Um, but he is living with his partner. Um, again, I'm not going to speak for his partner or draw attention to them, but their nationality, their ethnicity is Central American. And my son and his partner are living with his parents' family. When all the immigration raids started happening and people were being kidnapped, whether they're legal or illegal, I'm not even going to get into that debate because what we're seeing is people getting kidnapped, plain and simple, regardless of their status. Um, it was terrifying. I can't imagine what it's like to live in a country where just because of my skin color, I would have to carry my passport and my ID and my birth certificate all the time to make sure I have my loved ones' phone numbers memorized in case I'm taken. Um, so my heart just really hurts for them. Um, my heart hurts for my son. And again, I would just open social media to try to do the fun, you know, hey, let's talk about kink. And there were days where I would just think, what is the point? What are we doing? People are literally getting kidnapped and we don't know where they're they are. Um, and every time I speak about these things online or share a post or or speak my beliefs, I get told the most racist and untrue and uneducated things. So, in case you don't know me or you're new to the kink community or new to my world, let me just draw a line in the sand right here. Kink is political. Kink is not conservative. Kink, by definition, is not conventional or traditional. Conservatism, by definition, is conventional and traditional. And as we see the country here in the United States become more and more conservative and regressive and want to go back years and years, it's just very difficult as someone who is extremely kinky and extremely open-minded to just watch all this going on. My whole thing is wanting people to experience their truest selves and to be accepting of others. And then you turn on the news or open an app and you see the exact opposite. Um, I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for this episode, and that's fine. I'm used to it. The comments don't even really bother me anymore. It just gets tiring. But on the other hand, people have also been really kind. I've seen the community come together for people. I see the hope that my son has, both my sons actually, and I think, okay, we're going to be okay. The world is going to be okay. But it is a very weird and hard time to be alive. And it is a very weird and hard time to be a kink educator. And that brings me to the ugly. Now, before I get into this, I want to say again, I'm not going to leave you in doom and gloom and despair. After I talk about the ugly, I am going to talk about what's to come, you know, next year, the things I have planned for you, the things I'm excited about. So stick around. But for now, the ugly. When I was preparing for this episode, I told my Dom, you know, I don't go on rants a lot. So if I do one of these once a year, I kind of deserve it, I think. So this is kind of an ugly thing, and it's an ongoing, ugly thing. And it's going to keep being an ongoing, ugly thing in the world, um, in the kink community and in my little bubble, because any group of humans has drama. Um, if you follow a bunch of Lego builders online or homestead creators online or or whatever, you'll find drama in those groups too. I try really hard to stay out of drama. I I try to just kind of look the other way when I see people do weird stuff or stuff I don't agree with. But every once in a while, something really bad happens, something really ugly. A few years ago, um, about three years ago, there was a creator I I worked with and a friend. Her name was Miss Night Eyes. They were actually in my kink bundle before. They were a speaker at my Dom Sub Dynamics Summit. Just an all-around amazing human being, just incredibly nice and sweet. And she was a partner of another online creator that I just always got bad vibes from. And when I talked to other people, they always got weird vibes from this person, too. Um, and not just vibes, like this person was really condescending and rude. And you know, personalities can clash, but about three years ago, my friend Miss Night Eyes, she posted with proof and documentation um that her ex-partner, who was this other creator, had allegedly done done some horrible things. Um, we're talking, you know, not honoring consent, being manipulative, um, you know, some other serious stuff. Um, I am going to name the other creator because I think they should be named. Um, sometimes I don't like naming because when you name them, um, one of three things tends to happen. So, one, someone says, Oh my gosh, I never knew about that. I'm going to make sure I don't follow them. Or if I do follow them, I'm going to unfollow them. But then there's number two. So someone says, Well, you know, that's interesting, but it doesn't really affect me. You know, I didn't see it firsthand. So, you know, I'm just going to keep following them. And um, they keep being their follower. And then there's number three. So someone says, huh, you know, I I've never heard of this person before. And if you overlook their personal stuff, it sounds like they actually teach some good things. So I'm going to go ahead and start following them. And then, you know, now they've gained a follower. So honestly, um, I don't love naming names, but in this case, I think it's important. So the creator is called, ironically, the funny dom. They're mainly popular on Instagram and they go by the funny dom returns on there. Um, part of the reason I think they're mostly on Instagram is because they don't show their face. And it's kind of funny how a lot of times people like him don't show their face. I mean, it's surprising, right? But anyway, about three years ago, Miss Night Eyes said, you know, this happened with him, my ex. She shared screenshots and a long public post describing what she says she experienced with him, including, you know, serious consent violations and manipulative behavior. And once she spoke up, just a ton of other victims came forward. So this guy, he lives in Australia. The kink community there is smaller in some ways. And he had dated a lot of women online through the different apps. And a lot of Australian women came forward. Mrs. Night Eyes even put out a form that a lot of people filled out. Um, a lot of similar details were shared, stories that, you know, allegedly matched, and the kink community just basically seemed to go, like, oh wow, I don't want anything to do with this guy anymore. And this is unfortunately a pattern we see over and over where a creator comes out and says, you know, this person is a predator, here's what happened. Um, a woman will put out a form, um, you know, asks for people to share their stories. Stories if they want, and all of those store stories line up. It's the same patterns, the same details. And then, you know, some people will stop following him. Some people block him. Some people say, you know, I'll never work with him. And then a few years later, everyone just collectively forgets. So I've been putting together a little Google Drive at domsubliving.com/slash funny. I'll put it in the show notes too, because what happened with him really took a toll on Miss Night Eyes. Um, she basically stopped being an online creator. And then fast forward to present day this year, I just started seeing a handful of creators, um, people I personally work with, and that I invite to collaborate on different projects. I saw them working with him. And I just thought, like, did we all just collectively forget about what came out about him? So I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I, you know, just kind of quietly messaged some of them and said, hey, this person has done some questionable things. A lot of women came forward about him. Um, you know, I've heard from them, I've seen some of the documentation. Um, he just gave me some really icky vibes too, even before this. And I just want you to have that information. And most of them, once they saw it, said, you know, thank you. I don't want to work with him then. And they cut ties. But one creator, one company actually said, Oh, well, can I talk to the victims? Because we want to make sure this is true first. And I was honestly taken aback because this is a company I've worked with many times. I I've proven myself. I've I've brought them thousands of dollars. They they've seen the quality of collaborations and the events I bring in. And they were not willing to believe me. A woman they've worked with for years. They weren't willing to believe me over a guy who calls himself the funny dom on the internet and doesn't show his face. This company, um, they even said to me, Well, you know, let us be clear, we always believe women, except apparently not in this case. So I basically told them, like, look, here's all the proof I have. Here are the messages back and forth with Miss Night Eyes and some of the other victims. I feel it's very alarming that you are wanting to have me give you the contact information of the victims so you can contact them. Like, if anyone should be contacted and asked if this is true, it should be the funny dom. So why don't you go contact him? And I'm going to let you know that if you don't stop working with him, like I'm not gonna work with you anymore. Um, like I said, I bought I brought this company thousands of dollars um to their credit. They did do the right thing and cut off all ties with the guy. So after that, I've just decided, you know, in the future, if there's someone I want to work with and I know there's stuff like this, I'll tell them what's up, give them what proof I have, and say, you know, you're free to do whatever you want, but I will not work with people who work with him for these reasons. And the thing is, um, I've been going through all of this on a very small scale while watching the same pattern play out on a global scale. We saw it with the Epstein files. The world fought over what was in a dead man's emails instead of believing hundreds of living women. Um, a woman even unalived herself and wrote a whole book. And people still didn't believe her whole book that got published by a publisher. Everyone was still like, well, I need to see the emails first. And spoiler, we have seen proof and we've seen perpetrators literally admit things. So it's just hard living in a world where women are not believed. And then there was the the Diddy thing that happened too this year, and none of this is surprising, but it just doesn't get easier to watch. So I had posted some things online, just like, hey, have we all really just forgotten about all the things that the funny dom did? Um, people are still working with him, people are having him on their podcast. I was genuinely surprised to see even someone like Dan Savage have him on his podcast without doing any research about this guy, without looking into him, knowing this is a cis heterosexual white man who doesn't show his face on the internet and has this whole history. And if you read a lot of the, you know, so-called kink education that he preaches, it's very questionable. Um, but this isn't new. I've gone back and forth about asking Miss Nightyce to dig up all her trauma again and send me copies of everything so I can put it in the Google Drive that I have. And then it just kind of hit me like, why is it always women who have to do this? Why aren't the men like Dan Savage or other men in power, why aren't they being asked to dig and compile and prove and show and archive? It gets so exhausting. Um, there was another case, John Romaniello, I think is how you say it. Um, it was just the same exact pattern where one woman comes forward with her experiences, and you know, everyone else says, Yeah, I kind of had a bad feeling about him for a while. And, you know, one woman will take it upon herself to organize everything into a Google form and compile it. And more and more women come forward, you know, telling basically the same story without even knowing what the other stories were. Um, details you could only know if you'd actually experienced it. And then, you know, everyone says, you know, oh my gosh, I'll never work with him again. And then he's somehow back, and everyone's working with him again. It just gets really, really tiring. So I've been telling my Dom and talking with him about all of this and talking to him about what I'm going to do. And I finally decided like, I can only control myself. I've built my little hill here for Dom Sub Living. I have the kink bundle and the Dom Sub Dynamics Summit. I get to work with a lot of people, and what I can control is who I collaborate with. So one thing I'm going to be doing is making my own list. When the Epstein list came back up this year, we all kind of wondered, you know, is it ever going to be released? Is it going to be redacted once it's released? Does it even matter? And a lot of the victims said, you know, look, we're making our own list. And I thought, that is a good idea. So guess what? I'm making my own list. Because whenever I post about one alleged predator, my DMs fill up with like, hey, you might want to look out for this other person, or hey, check out this guy too. So I'm making a list. There's already a handful of people on it. Um, men who are alleged predators who have allegedly done some bad things. Um, I don't have to work with them. And if any creator wants to approach me and say, hey, I was thinking of working with so-and-so, have you heard anything about them? I'll consult my lists and see what's been talked about and what I've personally seen. So if you're a creator wanting to collaborate with other people and there's someone you're just not sure about, I will gladly let you know whether or not they're on this list. Um, I encourage you, if you're a creator, to make a list too. Some of the things on my list are stories other creators have told me, you know, hey, I've worked with this person, this is what happened. Um, some of it is people I've worked with or watched directly. Um, for example, um, with Master Arcane from the Crow Academy, I don't know why they always have these silly names, but there were things he had emailed someone that just really didn't line up with what had actually happened on my end. And I also heard concerns from others about the dynamic he has with his sub. So between what I personally witness and what other creators shared, that was just enough for me to put him on my list of people I won't collaborate with anymore. And I kind of don't know if it's just because I've gotten older or because I've just gotten sick of watching justice never be done in the kink world or the vanilla world. But I told my Dom, and you know, I told him all this, and he agrees. You know, he said, yeah, this is ridiculous and getting out of hand. So that's what we're doing. I'm I'm making a list. If there is an experience you want to tell me about, I'll put them on the list. If you want to learn more about the funny dom, go to domsubliving.com slash funny dom. I'll put links on the show notes for that. Um, and I might even add more over time. So that has kind of been the ugly. Um, you see the polished stuff on the outside. You see me doing these events and working with creators, but there are a bunch of skeletons in the closet, just you know, things going on behind closed doors. But all right, that's enough of that. And like I said, I don't want to leave you in a depressing mood. So let's talk about the future and what's to come. I do have some exciting things happening in 2026. The Dom Sub Dynamics Summit will be back in the spring. The BDSM Jumpstart Boot Camp will be back in the summer, and the kink bundle will be back in the fall. So if you're not on my list, definitely get on my list at Domsubliving.comslash sign up. And I'm still working on a book. So stay tuned for more details on that. Um, I'm also going to lots of kink events now that my Dom is down here full time. He still works, obviously, but he's not having to commute to the Bay Area every week. That just gives us so much more bandwidth for events and play and community. My youngest son will be graduating in the summer, so I'm really excited about that. My oldest might be getting married, um, more in that soon. And um, the Alex's pass is still amazing. There are so many incredible people in there. Um, we'll be adding virtual munches. The content is getting more and more robust. The community itself is getting bigger and bigger. So there are just more members and more connection. If you want to join, definitely check it out at dom subliving.com/slash all access. That is the best place to be if you want to work with me more closely and get one-to-one coaching and have access to pretty much everything we've ever created. And I just want to thank you for being a part of this journey. I I know this is kind of a different episode. It's not really educational in the usual way. I'm just, you know, talking about me and my good and my bad and my ugly. But a journey is a journey. Um, and even with our All Access past members, we know you're whole rounded individuals. Um, so many of you share your highs and your lows with us. You know, whether that's work or kids or family or partners, everybody has their good and their bad and their ugly. I love being a part of that. Um, but also, you know, of course, helping you with the kink side of things too, you know, helping you create better scenes, helping you find the right partner for you, helping you create the kind of dynamic you want, helping you create rules and rituals and protocols, you know, things that match who you are. If you want coaching in all the courses and community, that's domsubliving.com slash all access. And if you just want our free resources, go to domsubliving.com slash free. So hopefully this rant didn't make you see me any less. Hopefully, it made you see that I'm actually a human being. This year was also, you know, celebrating our 100th podcast episode. It was amazing. I I cried like a baby in that episode. So go watch it if you want to see that. But I just can't wait to see what the podcast holds and what more kinky adventures we're going to go on together. I'm always here for you. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.