Why Stressed Doms Pull Back (and What to Do About It)

#132 The Dom is stressed – and your dynamic is paying the price. In this episode, we answer a real coaching call question about what to do when the Dom checks out under pressure. Learn how to spot red flags, how the sub can stay grounded in submission, and why stress might actually strengthen your dynamic. If this sounds familiar, you need to hear this episode.

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Transcript

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If you're a dumb who's been under a lot of pressure lately and you've kind of let the dynamic slip, this one's for you. And if you're a son who's watching that happen and feeling lost about what to do, this one's definitely for you too. I'm Alexandra from Dom Subliving, and today's episode comes from a real coaching call inside our Dom Subtraining course. Because stress doesn't have to mean your dynamic has to go on pause, and I'm gonna show you why and what to do about it. Welcome to the Dom Subliving podcast. Okay, so Rose says, my Dom is going through a lot of stress right now and has taken a toll on him. As a result, it feels as there has been a bit of a shift with our dynamic. To me, it feels as if I'm working hard on my submission and he is not as much of a presence as he always has been. And I mean in terms of DS dynamics, he is present otherwise. Although he has reassured me that this shift is stress-related and temporary, I'm feeling quite reluctant in my submission to the point of asking for a break in my training, which was granted. I do not mean for this to sound tit for tat, I'm just struggling to find the place, that place of submission and service. Any ideas on how to overcome this? So you had said that that it is temporary and usually due to stress. So my question would be, is it really temporary? Like, what are we talking about? Like, is this a week, a few days? And then it does it keep happening? Because if it's like, okay, well, this is a really busy week for him, and so he's super stressful and it's kind of backing off, and then next week's okay, but then he's stressed again, and then it kind of goes back and forth, you know, that's not really temporary, that's kind of predictable and ongoing. So just some things to think about. But one thing I'm curious too is when he's stressed and he kind of backs off as a DOM, is he also doing that in other areas of his life? So if he's say he's stressed about work, is he kind of not doing like exercise as much? Is he not hanging out with his friends as much? Is he kind of dropping the ball in other areas, or is it just kind of neglecting you? And I know you're you're the sub, but like with Jay, a lot of times when he is more stressed, he actually I think ups his game as a Dom. And this isn't like to say this is how he your DOM should be, but it's just something to think about too. That and he and your Dom may not realize he can do this, but you know, a Dom, when they're more stressed, they can definitely, you know, use their sub more. You know, if you guys are long distance, he can have you send pictures, do more tasks. Because a lot of times, like I know with Jay, like when he feels like he can't control the things around him, like with work or whatever, he focuses on the thing he can control, which is me. So, um, and kind of like I said, ups his game. Yeah, and just show him how like being more present in his dominance can really benefit him in that way and help him be less stressed. But um, one thing I was gonna mention too, just to be aware of if it's just you that he is kind of backing off with. Because like for me, I know I'm the sub, but if I'm starting to slack as a submissive, and I tell Jay, you know, I'm sorry, I'm just super stressed this week. This is a really hard week, but he sees like I'm doing fine in all other areas of my life. You know, I'm killing it on the blog, I'm doing really good with homeschooling, you know, I'm exercising constantly like I want to, then it might, you know, kind of be a red flag, like, well, why am I letting my my role drop, but not these other areas of my life. But usually he can tell if I'm like, oh, if I'm, you know, I'm a couple days behind with homeschooling and you know, I haven't exercised in a couple days, and then he kind of knows, oh, she really is stressed and we need to figure out a way to make this work. So kind of to see is he, you know, neglecting other areas of his life or is it just you? But then um, like I said, also showing him that, you know, hey, you can, you know, I'm here for you to use to kind of de-stress, and you know, you may not be able to control these different areas of your life, but you know, you have me to control. Um, and he just may not be realizing it. And he also just may not realize how like negatively it affects you. He may be aware that okay, I I's slacking, but it's due to stress, so it's okay, and we'll just pick up. But if he sees like, oh wow, I didn't realize this was really affecting my submissive in this way, and and that it wasn't okay what I was doing, that they were wanting more, then he may be more understanding and realize, okay, like I need up my game. But as far as how to overcome it, you know, finding ways to be submissive that kind of doesn't revolve around him, like so having your own rituals, your own self-care, your own goals, things like that. And hopefully it is temporary, but I mean, do know that you can take a break. You know, it's not something I always recommend, but if you have a Dom and he's super stressed right now and he's taking a break from his role, then it may not make the most sense to for you to kind of keep serving him in that way if he doesn't want to reciprocate. So a break may be the best thing. But you know, if he's not completely taking a break and it's just he's having a hard time juggling things, you know, then I would try to make it work. But yeah, hopefully it is temporary. You can let me know more in the community and okay, so that was such a good reminder that a stressed DOM isn't necessarily a bad DOM. Sometimes they just need a little redirection. And that goes both ways. If you're the DOM, lean in. If you're the sub, communicate. And if you want a real step-by-step roadmap for navigating all of it, our Dom Sub training course is exactly that. It's open right now. The link is in the description, and the price is going up soon, so jump in while you can. Thanks for being here, and until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.