5 BDSM Mistakes That Keep You Stuck as a Dom or Sub

#137 I ripped up our D/s contract… more than once.

If your dynamic feels off, it might not be your partner. It’s often subtle patterns that keep you stuck. In this episode, I break down the hidden mistakes that quietly stall your growth as a Dom or sub.

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Transcript

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So I ripped up our DS contract more than once. And instead of talking it out like an adult, I just rage quit the whole dynamic. That was just one of the mistakes I made as a newbie kinkster. But today I'm sharing the five BDSM mistakes that keep you stuck as a Dom or Sab. Because if I'd known these earlier, it would have saved me so much time and heartache. Let's get into it. Welcome to the Dom Sub-Living Podcast. This is really embarrassing, but I'm sharing it all today. I'm not holding back. I'm pulling back the curtain and sharing the newbie mistakes that I made when I first started out. And that way you don't have to make those same mistakes too. So whether you're just starting out or you have been exploring in the lifestyle for a while, these reflections will save you from some awkward situations and a lot of heartache. So let's dive in and break down my mistakes so you can continue to grow in your BDSM journey. So my first mistake, my first newbie mistake, was buying too much gear instead of focusing on other skills and mindset. So I remember when I got my first collar, I was super excited. I thought I was finally an official sub, and I was just so excited to have that collar. Like more excited to have the collar than actually be a submissive. And new gear can be really exciting. It's something new to play with, something new to learn. New hobbies are always fun. So getting new gear, there's there's nothing wrong with being excited to have new gear. But it distracted me from the more essential parts of BDSM. And our toy collection quickly grew. We got paddles, every restraint you can think of, handcuffs, ankle cuffs, leashes, we got floggers and writing crops. And so just all the things, ball gags, all of it that was out there, you name it, we had it. But I was more concerned about the toys in the gear than really focusing on my submission and being obedient to my Dom and being attentive to him and just forgetting why I wanted to be a submissive in the first place. So some things I was neglecting was things like communication. Communication is so essential as a Dom subcouple. Um, that's how you grow, that's how you progress. I was also neglecting the area of trust and learning how to know what I needed to build that trust in my DOM and to communicate to my Dom what I needed to build trust in him. I should have been prioritizing the emotional connection over the material possessions and all the gear, all the pain implements, and I should have been focusing on the more important things. So again, what I should have done and what you can do too is just start with minimal gear. So just things like a simple collar, a couple restraints, and maybe one pain implement, like one flogger, one paddle, and focus more on the emotional, the psychological aspects of BDSM before you move on. Because there's always going to be new gear. Even at this point in my relationship, when we've done everything, we've tried everything, I still see new toys and gears and get super excited and want to try those. So you're not missing anything. Those toys and gears will always be there. There's going to be new releases all the time. So have that good foundation first before you start building your toy collection. So again, just keep focusing on building those essential skills like dominance, submission, control, um, all those things, obedience, and just really understanding basic BDSM principles like um consent and safety before you move on to more and more complex gear. So that was my first mistake, buying too much gear instead of focusing on other skills and mindset. So my second newbie mistake is probably one that you know I'm gonna say, and that was topping from the bottom. So maybe you've heard of topping from the bottom before, maybe you've heard negative things about it or you've heard misconceptions. But basically, what topping from the bottom is, is just when the submissive takes on more of the dominant role in the relationship. And there can also be bottoming from the top where the DOM kind of takes on a more submissive role in the relationship. I really struggled with this in the beginning because honestly, I am very feminist. I am pretty stubborn and independent. So this was hard to kind of give up some of my own preferences and really look to my Dom to take the lead. So how this manifested in our relationship is I would really start to dictate things a lot. And when my Dom would, you know, say what we were gonna do, I would kind of just be like, well, actually, I thought maybe we should do it this way and just kind of try to bend him to what I really wanted. And then another way it manifested is I safe worded a lot. So let me say first of all that safe wording is extremely important. It's a way for a submissive to stay safe, and a DOM should always respect their son's safe words. So only the submissive knows if they are really truly safe wording because they are at their limit or close to it. But what was happening in my case is I was safe wording all the time just because I was either lazy, didn't want to do something, I was just feeling a little uncomfortable, or I just plain didn't want to do something. So I would say red wasn't that I was at my limit, wasn't that I was even close to my limit. It was just that I didn't want to put forth the effort and do what my dominant was wanting. And so why this is such a problem is because it can frustrate the DOM because they're trying their best to be dominant, to take the lead. And if the submissive is constantly pushing back or just safe wording just to safe word, doesn't really have a good reason. Again, I'm I'm not saying at all that a sub should not safe word. I'm just saying that only the submissive knows if it's truly genuine. But the bottom line is that topping from the bottom really just makes the Dom less enthusiastic to take the lead over their sub. And it kind of just takes away the whole point and the benefit of being a sub. I wanted to be a sub so my Dom could take the lead, that I could be useful to them and they can use me. And me topping from the bottom just undermined all of that. So there was really no point to my submission anymore. I wasn't getting what I needed, he wasn't getting what he needed. So instead of topping from the bottom, like I did a lot, you need to communicate your needs and desires effectively without undermining that established dynamic. So one of the ways you can do this is with journaling. So journaling gives the submissive and the DOM a safe place to kind of vent their thoughts, to kind of brain dump so that way they can be in a better headspace and a clearer headspace to then fulfill their role. Also, check-ins are extremely important. So these could be things like a daily check-in where the sub can kneel and really express openly how they're feeling, or something that we like to do as a weekly check-in before my dom goes to work. And that way we're both on the same page. If I'm needing him to be more dominant, I can express that. If he's needing me to be more submissive, he can express that too. And it's all about how you communicate. So being respectful, recognizing your partner's role. These are all things that go a long way. Also using your partner's honorifics. So if you call your partner sir, or if you're DDLG and you call your partner daddy, or you're the Dom and you call your partner um baby girl or little one, using those honorifics can really help to keep you in the mindset and keep you from topping from the bottom. So that was my second newbie mistake, topping from the bottom. And mistake number three was not going to in-person events. When I first started being in the lifestyle, I was so nervous about going to different groups and in-person events. I was afraid that I wouldn't fit in. I was afraid that I was too much a newbie and people wouldn't recognize that right off the bat that, you know, people would laugh at me and laugh at my skills. I was afraid that I wasn't pretty enough, that I would stick out like a sore thumb. I thought I was too old. So all of these reasons held me back. Plus, I have social anxiety. So just overall, I am a really anxious person and especially meeting new people, being in new environments. So I really held back from being a part of the BDSM community in person. But going to these in-person groups and events is so important when you're new because it gives you a chance to meet people in the lifestyle, see that they are just like you. There's people of all genders, people of all ages, all nationalities, all skill levels, and they have this passion for BDSM and the Dom sub lifestyle. And you build this huge support system that is just so valuable when you're first starting out. You can bounce ideas off of them, get advice and feedback. It's just, I highly, highly recommend it. And I always say that it takes a village to raise a kingster. So by us not going to these in-person events and groups, it just really held us back. It held us back from growing as individuals and also growing in our relationship and just really being a part of the community. And because we didn't have anyone to talk to other than each other, really, we were constantly feeling like, am I doing this right? Are we doing this right? And it just really, really stunted our growth. And now I know it can be hard to find groups and events in your area, even if you're in a small rural town. So if you're a DOM subtraining member of our course, definitely check out the resources there because we have directories for finding these types of events in your local area and just lots of tips for how to navigate them as a newbie. So if you're a member of that course, definitely check out the resources there. So that was my third mistake, which was not going to in-person events. Now, my fourth newbie mistake was putting too much reliance on my Dom. So within a Dom sub relationship, independence and personal responsibility is so important. I try to remember that I'm a submissive first and a partner second. And so even if I didn't have a partner, I would still consider myself a submissive. It's it's part of my identity, and it should be the way for DOMs too, that they should be a dominant, whether or not they even have a partner. But in the beginning, I really just over-relied on my DOM and sort of just created this codependent relationship and just expected him to do everything and just be in charge of education for both of us, learning and growing for both of us, and me not doing my part. So it created really this imbalance dynamic, and it really hindered my personal growth and his growth too. So some reliance on your partner is okay and is actually healthy, but you still want to focus on your own growth too, and not just your relationship either. You should be concerned about your own individual identity too, and what you want out of your role. So, some ways to do this, even if you're a dom or sub, have hobbies, make friends. So friends in the community, even have hobbies that are, you know, part of the lifestyle, things like self-tying, exercise, meditation, tons of forms of self-care. These are all really, really good to again build that foundation so that you don't have that unhealthy, codependent relationship. So that was my fourth mistake, which was putting too much reliance on my Dom. So my fifth newbie mistake was quitting every time it got hard. So this is really embarrassing. But when we first started out, I at one time ripped up our contract. And I ripped it up more than once. So when maybe we had a disagreement or I wasn't getting my needs and wants met, and instead of communicating maturely and having discussions and being patient, I was very bratty and not in a good way. I would just rip up the contract and say, it's over. I'm not doing this anymore. And part of the reason why I did that looking back was just practicing BDSM. It's emotionally intense. It's it's not for the faint of heart. It's very hard. You have to be extremely vulnerable. And so to put myself out there in such a vulnerable state of mind and to have it not go the way I wanted and I thought it should go and I dreamed of and I expected it to go, it would just really, really upset me. And so I would lash out. So there was lots of times I felt like quitting and just whenever we had a lapse in communication, or I didn't feel like my Dom was being consistent enough. But eventually, by working through those challenges, I learned that I can do hard things, that we could do hard things too, and that we had to really put our heads together and problem solve, get brutally honest with each other about what we wanted, what we needed. And when we did have an argument or a disagreement, because they still happen, we have to figure out what went wrong and learn how we can be more successful in the future. And one thing that we did do that really, really helped is we we got help from kink-friendly therapists. So, you know, psychologists, counselors that were kink-friendly, and that can really help us work out these issues that we were having in the beginning of our relationship. And again, if you're a member of our DOM sub training course, check out the resource section because we have links for how to find kink-friendly therapists in your area. So definitely check that out. But so perseverance, communication, seeking support from the community and from kink-friendly therapists, all those things were really vital for getting to where we are now, which is a healthy dom sub dynamic, a fun and kinky dynamic. And we are 24-7 full-time TPE, and so we're in a really good place. So those were my five newbie mistakes. So number one, buying too much gear instead of focusing on other skills and mindset, two, topping from the bottom, three, not going to in-person events, and four, putting too much reliance on my DOM, and five, quitting every time it got hard. So I want you to approach your BDSM journey with an open mind and just be willing to learn from your mistakes and learn from your experiences so that you can grow and evolve too, whether you're a DOM, a sub, or a Switch. And feel free to reach out to me and share your experiences. And you can also give your own newbie advice in the comments too. And remember, you can take our kink personality type quiz that will tell you not only where you're at in the spectrum at the BDSM lifestyle, but it also gives you a personalized action plan so you can make real progress as a Dom or sub. And you can take the quiz for free at Domsubliving.com slash quiz. It's really fun, really quick. And again, that's at Domsubliving.com slash quiz. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Subliving community. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the description and show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.