My beautiful bipolar life
What started as a cross country bucket list journey with my terminally ill and estranged father, evolved into a search and rescue effort. To find the little girl who got lost amongst generational trauma, domestic violence and societal expectations. I found the fearless wildflower who loved herself and was ready to change the world. In my father’s death, I discovered the life I was supposed to live, while evolving into the woman I am today. I hope this podcast is a safe place to land for those wanting to heal, grow and live an authentic life rooted in gratitude, kindness, limited f***s and yummy snacks.
My beautiful bipolar life
Shattered Reflections: The Quest for Healing and A Father's Unspoken Love
Embark on an emotional odyssey with me, Kelly Bauer, as I navigate the poignant story of my life, marked by the pivotal events of April 18th, 2020, that forever altered my essence. As we unravel the threads of seeking my father's elusive approval, we find the echoes of his own struggles reflected in the depth of his eyes—mirrors to a love he could not grant himself. My tale is not merely one of personal transformation but an exploration into the heart of generational trauma and the relentless pursuit of an affection left wanting.
Within this powerful episode, I share the raw vulnerability of my father's terminal diagnosis, the life-altering choices that ensued, and the subsequent odyssey that morphed into a quest for healing. As we traverse the terrain of my past, a juxtaposition of fear and hope, we journey together through the last chapters of my father's life. It's through the lens of loss and a promise made to both my younger self and my father that I vow to shatter the shackles of my lineage and embrace a future where my actions aim to change the world. Join me and witness a transformation that promises to touch your soul and perhaps, ignite a spark within your own story.
Hello and welcome to my beautiful bipolar life. I am your host, kelly Bauer. On today's episode, we will be going back to April 18th 2020. For me, it was the catalyst into the evolution of the woman that I am today. You see, I always wanted to be a daddy's girl. I literally did everything I could to get my father's attention. I so desperately wanted him to see me the way that I saw him, that I was brave and that I was confident that I was smart and that I was adventurous. The funny thing is I didn't realize he couldn't see those things in me because he didn't even see them in himself and he certainly wasn't gonna be able to love me the way that I deserve to be loved because he didn't love himself that way. He had never been taught to and instead of breaking generational trauma, he repeated the cycle.
Speaker 1:My father joined the Navy when I was a toddler. I really believe it was an escape to not only get away from all the things that he didn't fix and felt like he couldn't, but also something that would soothe his wandering and adventurous soul and give him the opportunity to show love the only way he knew how, financially. I don't think he even realized that being in the military would only exacerbate the things that he did not heal, that the addiction would worse, that the violence would intensify. He wasn't home often, but when he was, it was filled with fear, anger and resentment. But through all of that I saw his soul and even at a young age I recognized who he really was. It began a cycle of meeting the wrong men for all the wrong reasons, seeing the potential instead of the reality. My mother did the best she could to combat it with goodness and kindness and empathy, but the reality is I was my father's daughter in every way possible good, bad and ugly. And as I waited for the hospital to call to say that he had woken up, I continued to plan our bucket list trip, using what my father taught me that love is action.
Speaker 1:And on April 18th I got the call that I was waiting for my father had woken up. When I finally got to talk to him, the first words he said were "'Hey Kel, how are you'? "'i immediately began to cry, "'and tell him how much I loved him, "'and that I was sorry that we fought' "'He stopped me and said that everything was gonna be okay. "'the truth is, we knew everything wasn't going to be okay, "'because my father was still terminally ill "'and he was going to die. "'eight weeks that was the maximum time "'we would have without any kind of intervention.
Speaker 1:"'up to a year with chemotherapy' "'My father immediately said he didn't want any treatment "'and I was angry and hurt. "'i couldn't believe he was giving up and leaving me. "'i begged him to do one round of chemotherapy. "'i told him about the trip and how I'd plan to take him "'to all the places that he hadn't been "'and that we would live and love "'and experience each other in a way that we never had "'And in that moment, my father gave me the gift "'that he had never been able to give me my entire life. "'he put me first "'And in that moment, I got the thing "'that I had been searching for my entire life his time "'And so, on April 18th 2020, our adventure began. "'what started as a bucket list journey "'evolved into a healing mission. "'what I didn't realize then is that I would be finding "'the eight-year-old girl that got lost "'amongst generational trauma, domestic violence "'and expectation, "'and in my father's death, I would honor her "'by living my best life and making a promise to her "'and to myself to change the world'".