My beautiful bipolar life
What started as a cross country bucket list journey with my terminally ill and estranged father, evolved into a search and rescue effort. To find the little girl who got lost amongst generational trauma, domestic violence and societal expectations. I found the fearless wildflower who loved herself and was ready to change the world. In my father’s death, I discovered the life I was supposed to live, while evolving into the woman I am today. I hope this podcast is a safe place to land for those wanting to heal, grow and live an authentic life rooted in gratitude, kindness, limited f***s and yummy snacks.
My beautiful bipolar life
Embracing Emotional Superpowers: Judge Lynn Toler on Personal Triumphs and Resilient Relationships
When the wisdom of Judge Lynn Toler meets the intimacy of a podcast, you're bound to unearth some life-changing insights. This very special episode takes you through a labyrinth of emotional intelligence, exploring the powerful blend of humor, perspective, and compassion derived from Judge Toler's experiences with a bipolar father and a deeply perceptive mother. Our conversation uncovers the transformative influence of emotional self-awareness and how mastering it can lead to profound personal growth and success, both in and out of the courtroom.
Strap in for a heart-to-heart on creating relationships that thrive on equality and patience, as we reminisce about the early, intentional days of romantic connections and discuss the culturally ingrained issues that plague modern partnerships. Judge Toler shares her personal stories of both grief and healing, lending comfort and guiding lights to those navigating the treacherous path of loss. Every anecdote, brimming with vulnerability, invites you to consider the resilience and power of the human spirit in the face of adversity.
But it's not all heavy hearts and deep dives—there's room for a laugh, a wag of a tail from Toler's loyal companion Zora, and even a discussion on the lighter side of life post-widowhood. We traverse the spectrum of emotions, all the while examining the role of public figures in advocating for change and the impact of one's background on honesty in the public sphere. This episode promises to leave you with a tapestry of heartfelt narratives and perhaps, a newfound appreciation for the emotional superpowers we all possess.
Hello and welcome to my beautiful bipolar life. I am your host, kelly Bauer. Today's episode is a dream. If you would have told me when I had this idea for a podcast that my first guest was going to be a woman who has spent over 23 years on television, graduated from Harvard, wrote four books and has the emotional intelligence of an eagle, I would have thought I was dreaming. But after hard work and manifestation and a late night slide into a TikTok DM. I would like to welcome you to the 14-year veteran of divorce court, the current host of Marriage Boot Camp and the author of my Mother's Rules. Please welcome Big E's wife, judge Lynn Toler. Lynn Toler, good morning. Good morning, I got a little worried. I couldn't get to you. I could see you, but I couldn't talk to you. Let me just tell you I am not technologically savvy at all, so I had fingers crossed, like I was like please don't mess this up, I know everything I get it, I get it fingers crossed Like I was.
Speaker 1:Like please don't mess this up. Thank you so much for for giving me this opportunity. I am so, so excited and just honored truly, truly honored that you would talk to me today.
Speaker 2:Oh, absolutely, it was my pleasure. I hope you don't mind if Zora joins us, because I don't at all.
Speaker 1:I'm a dog, mom of five if Zora joins us.
Speaker 2:I don't at all. I'm a dog, mom of five.
Speaker 1:That's why I didn't have my dogs, because that's exactly what they would have done. The entire time I've got five. I may have to move, but we'll see what we can do Well that's okay, I'm good girl, I love watching your videos with her, so let's get into it.
Speaker 1:Thank you so very much for joining me. I have been watching you for years and on divorce court, I think one of the things that really stood out for me is that you are able to be honest but yet compassionate. Where do you think that skill comes from?
Speaker 2:My mother, my mother never, ever minced words. If she said it, she meant it, and if it hurt your feelings, you just had to get over it. And I don't deliver quite like my mother used to, because most people can't take it, yeah. So I soften the blow a little bit because I remember when I first got married to my husband, I used to deliver everything like my mother delivered it. Yeah. And my husband spent the first year of our marriage just being offended.
Speaker 2:Ah yes, and so you know. And then he realized I'm going to have to. It's okay, zora, zora, go, go, go, go, go, go fast.
Speaker 1:I am so sorry. No, not at all, trust me. Like I said, I got five. I know that's why my door is closed right now. Look, I love it. I love it, it it's fine. We'll do the best we can. That's right. That's right, um, and you know what? It eases my worry.
Speaker 1:so good, good, good, good, good good but yeah, so I am now on chapter 19 of your book and I was fascinated. Your mother's guide to your mother's rules to being an emotional genius, practical guide to be an emotional genius and I think the thing that I was really surprised because you hear the title and you don't. Then it went into your backstory and I had no idea You're growing up very much like mine that your father was bipolar and it was a successful attorney and your mother had grown up in poverty and coming up through the system and so it was interesting to me to listen to you navigate her emotional intelligence and her to navigate her emotional intelligence at such a young age and what do you?
Speaker 1:think that level of intelligence came from, because that was a lot at that age to be able to quantify.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think, honest to God I was, I am that I am the progeny of two geniuses. My father was a genius. You know, according to every kind of genius, most people acknowledge, which is he had an. Iq of 144. My mother was an emotional genius. She was simply born with that aptitude to understand that everything is driven by emotion. I asked her about it. I've tried to get her to explain it and she says she doesn't know. It's just how she thinks and that's the end of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think you know what do you think that has to do? Oh, I lost you. Can we get you back? There you are. I'm so sorry. It's totally fine. I got the door squeaking. I turned the TV off. This is actually perfect, because this is my life and this is how I roll, so I feel like this is exactly how it's supposed to go.
Speaker 2:You just can't get it together. You do the best you can.
Speaker 1:You do the best you can, you do the best you can, and that is what I have learned. And we're going to talk about grief journey because I think that has a lot to do with it. I think when you come out of a grief journey, I think you have a better sense of humor about things and I think you just you see things differently. But one thing that I was, you know, interested to see now, it was different in my family, but your father was never abusive to you and your sister, not physically, yeah, not physically. And I think that's such an interesting dynamic. And do you think that's why it was easier for you to sort of navigate and I know you didn't, you know you had had a difficult time with it, but do you think it would have been more difficult to navigate had you also felt?
Speaker 2:the abuse, I think it would have been impossible. Oh, I don't know, I don't want to say impossible because, because, because human beings, we can do some amazing things If you're, if you are made to do so. It would have been much more difficult. But I will tell you one thing if the abuse crossed to us, my mother would have left. Yeah, because we talked about it. Yeah, she says I can stay, I can deal, he doesn't hit me, but it's scary yeah but had it crossed that way, she'd have been out with the both of us.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think, as someone you know, I am bipolar and my long-term partner was bipolar and I think when you are engaged in that kind of behavior, you're so deeply in it that you don't even necessarily realize how crazy for lack of a better word it is, because you're so deep in it. Because you're so deep in it.
Speaker 2:You're so deep in it. And then a couple of days later, if we had an episode, he felt this big, you know what I mean. He just felt that he you know he didn't mean it At the time it felt serious. And afterwards he was so hurt and my mother once asked him you know, you know, bill, why do you do all that stuff? I mean, I just, you know, I just want to know. And he thought about it. He said so, tony, if your mother died, would you cry? And she said yes, and he goes why? And she says because that's how it feels he goes. He goes there you go, feels he goes, he goes there you go.
Speaker 1:Oh, that is a great explanation, you know I can't control grief, I can't control this, and you know it's well. You can control it to an extent. I mean, and that is, I think, one of the things that's most important. And I love that you're an advocate for mental health, because when we, when we de destigmatize the idea that people just want to be cruel or people just want to be, you know, saying crazy things or doing crazy things, you know, I thankfully my never really manifested through anger, because when I was younger I witnessed physical abuse and I just I made a decision. So mine manifests in mostly withdrawing and harming, not harming physically, but harming myself. And so I think it's really important to talk to people and advocate for that, because I don't think people really understand. It's like you see someone in a wheelchair and you accept them for being disabled, but you hear bipolar and you think it's a choice and I you really really do I can't let somebody write a letter.
Speaker 2:You know you're frozen. Oh, there you go, You're moving. Well, you're kind of frozen. I don't know if I'm frozen, I'm just you're not, am I. Are we back you? You're still frozen. I can there you go, Okay, we're going to get through this.
Speaker 1:We are going to get through this.
Speaker 2:I got a woman who wrote a review of my book my mother's rules and said that I had was giving bad information, because if my father was able not to hurt my mother and my sister and I, then clearly he was able to control himself. And we're back. I am so sorry. I think it's me and I don't know why it's fine.
Speaker 1:I love it. I'm telling you, it takes the pressure off of me. I love it, I'm telling you it takes the pressure off of me.
Speaker 2:I love it. I'm making so many. Well, I'm glad you're so good about it.
Speaker 1:No, I'm just grateful you're here. I'm really enjoying talking to you and I think one of the things that I got the most from you in just learning about you was your sentences when you were a judge and the way that you approached people. I've always said it's so important to meet people where they are. You don't have to like them where they are. You don't have to love them where they are. You don't have to show up there.
Speaker 1:Yes, you just have to show up there, and that's what that reminds me of. You were showing up where they could be, where they could meet you, and if they chose not to meet you there, then they didn't right.
Speaker 2:Right, oh, and that's what a lot of people don't understand Me taking the time to understand why you did what you did, how you did what you did, and not telling you that you're rude or you're evil or that you're horrible. That's what I hate. They say about you're evil or that you're horrible, that's what I hate. They say that, oh, they're just crazy, like the, the, the shooters in the schools. They're crazy. No, I'm mentally ill, but those people are angry and it is. It is not something you can't just say crazy, put it down. There's something sociologically and culturally occurring in this country and you could go along with it a lot of ways about talking about it, but that young boys feel and men feel so out of control and the need to regain that control by the easiest and the most spectacular means necessary. We've got to discuss it culturally, not just give more lip service to mental health, which, by the way, once they say it, they don't do nothing about it.
Speaker 1:Not a thing. And that is my biggest problem is that we become this culture and it's the word people use in all years that we become woke, right? We become aware, and yet we don't do a damn. Woke, right, we, we? We become aware, and yet we don't do a damn thing about it. Once we're aware, we, we yell, you get mad, you yell, and then you do, you wag your fingers at other people, but you never do anything that that allows you to fix the problem.
Speaker 1:By the way, on both sides of the aisles, but no, I think it on both sides of the aisles, but no, I think it's on both sides of the aisles. And I really, now more than ever, I'm disappointed in everybody. Because, I think the lip service is all we're getting anymore, and it's so much about defending each side and defending the position. There is no work done.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I'm trying to get anywhere. Everybody's just. This is my position, it's what it is. You don't agree with it. You're a horrible person. Now let's move on, not let.
Speaker 1:Okay, I can give you that if you'll give me this you know, right, right and, and that's the thing, and you know we talked about meeting people where they are, and no-transcript able to gain from your time on the bench is that you were able to see that it was a projection and you were trying your best to kind of meet people where they were and give them an opportunity. And do you think that the people that you gave an opportunity to I'm not even going to, I'm just going to pretend it didn't happen.
Speaker 1:I'm going to tell you it's been my favorite part, so far.
Speaker 2:I think it's my computer.
Speaker 1:I think I'm using the wrong one or something.
Speaker 2:But anyway, see, I used my phone for that very reason, because I don't trust my computer and I don't even know how to do it on my phone, but but you know you are right about that. I mean, uh, human behavior grows out of the fertile ground of feelings we don't know are there, yes, and so everybody acts, believes that they're acting logically and non-emotionally, but there are very serious emotions underneath that and cultural decisions and beliefs that we don't realize are there. And then you think you're right, you feel so right about it because it's right. But no, you feel right about it because you understand it. You know how you feel, but it's not necessarily right.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. It's sort of like fight or flight. You know I grew up in a constant state of fight or flight. You know I was waiting for the shoe to drop, waiting for something to happen, waiting for my dad to act out.
Speaker 1:Or you know, I was lucky, my dad was in the Navy. See, I was lucky, my dad was in the Navy, so ours came in waves, he'd come home and it. You know. So I lucky when I when I say it that way, but I think that's the most important thing that you can sort of regulate is that fight or flight, because when you project that fight or flight, you are going to react, however, however. You've been taught, so to speak. You know, and I think that when you project that fight or flight, you are going to react, however. You've been taught, so to speak, and I think that when you don't really address it and pay attention to why you're doing it, you will just forever respond that way.
Speaker 2:I remember when I realized that I was so angry all the time because I was incredibly fearful, and I was fearful because I thought any small problem could turn into a disaster, because if mom burned the biscuits, you know he could break out the windows. And so I couldn't tell a small problem from a big problem until I sat down and realized why I couldn't discern between the two, and then I was able, as a matter of process and procedure, to deal with it, as opposed to having epiphany. I don't manifest. I ain't got no epiphany. I don't do none of that. I gorilla fight house to house. I work my emotions like the job they are. Yeah, don't stop. I work my emotions like the job they are, and I think every you know. That's one thing I think is good about being emotionally other abled you are required at some point to engage in active emotional management. Now, people don't think they're a little off.
Speaker 2:Yes, so, all of their feelings are perfectly rational and normal, but I test all of them. Is this rational Lynn, or is this crazy Lynn?
Speaker 1:Which one are we talking to right now? I do that all the time.
Speaker 2:But everybody should do it, not just us, everybody should do it.
Speaker 1:And you know why I think that and especially with social media and the way that anybody can ever do before they're going to react, is just pause For one second. And let me tell you it took me a long time to learn. I haven't paused. You know that long I'm learning, but you know, when I was younger, there was no pause. And you come at me, I'm coming right back, give you 100 miles an hour, no pause. Now I realize the significance of my reaction to my own well-being, but also to others, and now it's like you don't. Even the pause is to let you know you don't deserve my reaction, you don't deserve to bring me out. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And I think that is an emotional power. And when you get that emotional power, we're just going to pretend it didn't happen. But no, truly, when you get that emotional power and I think that has been what has made you so successful is because you were able to recognize that and use that through your career, and I do. I think it is a power, I think it's a superpower.
Speaker 2:It is, it is, it's a superpower. It really really is. And I would have that superpower if I didn't have the struggles that I have. I didn't have the fortune of having a mother who was able to look at her little girl and see, oh, she got some traits of her daddy and I got to deal with her in one way. And my sister, whose older sister, got none of it. She didn't get one teeny taste of crazy at all and you know everything she told my sister. She told me the opposite, because Kathy was out in the world boom, boom, boom and I was like, oh my, God, yeah, yeah, it's scary out here.
Speaker 1:Yeah. But you know, I have to commend you on taking that part of your life and then truly transforming it into something so Incredible. I mean, you really like I think of you know people like us. We should probably not be doing much of anything, right, we should be kind of just hoping for the best. And you know, walking around the world kind of hoping for the best.
Speaker 1:But when you take that power and when you decide that that is not going to define who you are and that you are going to make those changes, I think it changes everything. And then you have a drive that is just instilled in you to never be that. And your career and your marriage is so indicative of that. And I'll be honest, I was honest when I reached out to you. I knew of you, watched you on TV, loved you through the years. But I will tell you, ms Stoller, watching you, ms Toler, watching you announce that your husband was no longer with you, and then your journey was one of the greatest things that I've been able to witness, because I too and still on my grief journey and watching somebody feel and be so real and just put it out there and not be ashamed and not be impeded in any way by somebody else's thoughts or reactions.
Speaker 2:Tell me about the man that you call Big E. He was just wonderful. I mean, I always say that you never would know who I was if it wasn't him, because he was the one that was behind me, behind all of that. I had neither the bravery or the drive to either run for judge, win the election. I mean, nobody thought I could win except him. Even the guy who told me got me to run said you can't win, but get your name out there. And my husband was like I don't know who he thinks he's talking to. And you know, and going on TV, it was all him. And whenever I was gone, I would be gone for months taping Marriage Boot Camp. He never bothered me. He'd wait for me to call him because he knew it was the long shoot. And you know he it never made him feel like less than it made him feel proud. Because you know, look, look at where I, look at where I got her to. You know.
Speaker 1:Well and his own inner confidence, his own belief in himself, and that is something that is so important with with men in general. I think men are able. They don't realize well, maybe they do the power that they have in relationships when they have their own confidence and when they have their own worth, what you can do for the woman that you love, when you feel that way about yourself. It's amazing, especially for women like us that are very strong and want to prove a point and I've got this, I can do this To have a man that kind of says it's all right, I got you, I got you, I'm here and I'm going to make sure that you're all right and I don't need your spotlight and I don't need anything, I just need you, and that's where we're at Right.
Speaker 2:And that's. I cannot apologize enough. Don't don't If I knew what was going on.
Speaker 1:Don't, I'm fine, I'm fine. That is, tell me about your first date, like how did he ask you out? How did this happen? Because I want to know how it began.
Speaker 2:I was at a Cleveland Cavaliers basketball game and I was there with members of my law firm in their loge and there was a judge up there called Stephanie Tubbs Jones and I walked in and I walked in, I looked at her and she said do you have somebody? She didn't say hello, nothing, hi, who? Nothing. I said no, I don't. She said I got somebody for you. And she walked me out of the Lodge to the bar. Her husband, josiah, and Biggie, were sitting one, two, three and she said Eric, this is Lynn, lynn, this is Eric. And when she drove me home that night she made sure she drove me home that night. She says when y'all get married, I want to perform the ceremony. And she did. I saw it, you hear me. I liked it when I saw it. And the funny part was the other guy there, because I had called me first. They were both single and the other guy he was really good looking too, both of them, but Eric was cool, this other guy was trying to be suave and debonair.
Speaker 1:It's that confidence. It's that confidence he had the impressor.
Speaker 2:After this, that and the other, he had his little jeans rolled up because they didn't fit him right. He didn't care. Then it took him three weeks to call me.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Years later I said what took you so long?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:He said because I knew he had just gotten a divorce and he goes. That's why Stephanie introduced us.
Speaker 1:Ah, she's trying to help him move on, yeah.
Speaker 2:She was trying to get him together, get him back out, and she said I knew if I called you it was real or it was nothing. I mean, you weren't somebody I could just play around with. If I wasn't intentional and if I wasn't serious, then I wasn't going to call you, so it took me three weeks. Then I wasn't going to call you, so it took me three weeks. Like he had just gotten a divorce and he had not considered the possibility of getting a check, but it was like I can't pass her up.
Speaker 2:So it took him three weeks, but he called.
Speaker 1:So what were you thinking during those three weeks? Did you ask your friend like what is going on the other?
Speaker 2:guy called and I got mad. I said like what is going on? The other guy called and I got mad. I said oh, they must have talked about it and decided that he could, he could pursue me. The other guy no, because I wasn't interested and I didn't talk about it because it was like the one I liked either didn't like me or let his buddy do it. So right. I'll just move on.
Speaker 1:And you were just like it. And where did he take you on your first date? I have to know.
Speaker 2:Cavaliers game.
Speaker 1:No, really.
Speaker 2:Oh, I love that Yep.
Speaker 1:I love that, so you took it back to the first meeting.
Speaker 1:There you go. I love that and you know the thing about confidence in anyone but it. But specifically in a man, I think when you're, like I said, a strong woman, it's not arrogance and you know the difference. When it's not arrogance, right. And for women like us, you know there has to be that level of confidence, because if you're not, I don't know I'm speaking for us I'd run all over top of you. You know what I mean, like, and I think that is what is so you know important about building people up and I think that not only culturally but you know, just across the board, we need to do a better job of building men and women up to have that confidence and to understand. You know trendy right now is toxic, like toxic relationships are trendy Toxic cells, Toxic cells. But tell me how you feel about that, because it's really disturbing to me to watch young women like just allow themselves to be made fools of.
Speaker 2:I mean, that's how I see it. You're not a wife and if you're not submissive and you go by his thing and everybody, you ain't nothing and all this kind of stuff. What they're doing is they're making short-term profits in terms of views and a little bit of cash, or sometimes a lot of cash, that youtube and tiktok pays and and and. In return, they have sold the future of love. You know what I mean. If women are indoctrinated into that. I need a six-figure man, I need this, I need that, I need the other thing, and men are all into submit, submit and do what I say, and you ain't nothing and all this kind of stuff. You miss the whole best part of it.
Speaker 2:All this kind of stuff you miss the whole best part of it the whole thing was I gave him 100% of me, no matter what part of it was, and he gave me 100% of himself and nobody was worried about who was in charge or who's. We were on our trajectory. We chose this together. Yeah, you know, we chose this. This is what we are doing and everybody she's got to follow my program. Ah, ah. He had enough sense to know that my program, as he fussed with it because my program was originally I was going to be a lawyer, I was a judge he may be a judge, but I wasn't going to do nothing else but my program as he adjusted.
Speaker 2:it was our program.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Got us further than we ever would have been otherwise.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I think that's such an important part for for relationships is that when you bring your whole self and when they bring their whole self together, you are something that you would not have been separately, but you're fine separate, and I think that's what makes the most beautiful relationships. And I find that I am much more in my feminine when a man is secure in himself. And I will be more and I say submissive and I don't mean it that way, but do you know what I mean? Like I find I flourish in my femininity when a man is secure and doesn't feel like he needs to tell me what to do. When he shows me who he is, then I show him who I am.
Speaker 2:I've never considered myself feminine and I will go to my grave saying I am not feminine, I am not a chick chick. Yeah, I like to be in charge and all that kind of stuff, but my thing is, if I got a guy that I know thinks I would do anything for me, why wouldn't I?
Speaker 2:do anything for him. That part, that part, you know it has nothing. It's just like I like this brother. Yes, um, I'll get in my car and the seats all the way back. That means he went in my car, he went and got gas, he checked my tires and he brought it back. That's what that means. Yes, no words are exchanged. He needs something. He has a bad day. I make him his favorite meal, not because I'm submissive, not because he told me to, but I like him.
Speaker 1:Because you love him and you want to make him happy.
Speaker 2:And I want to make him happy. And it has nothing to do with female roles or male roles. We have our roles reversed.
Speaker 1:And that's the thing, roles we have reversed, and that's the thing I think women don't realize that you can be strong in a relationship and still have that compatibility. As you know, you're equal and and you're, you have that part of you. But there is something nice about knowing you've got a partner, that you've got somebody to do it with you. You don't need it, but you want got somebody to do it with you.
Speaker 2:You don't need it, but you want it, but it makes you better. I was 100%, he was 100%, we got together and we were 1,000%. Yes, yes, yes, the whole is better hey. I'm telling you this is the most pitiful interview. No, it's the best. I'm forgiven, I have not smiled this much in a while.
Speaker 1:Holy cow, that's alright. That's what editing is for. I haven't smiled this much in a while, that's all right. That's what editing's for.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm leaving someone in though. Oh, I'm going to leave someone in.
Speaker 1:No, I want them to know how real you are, because that really is what brought me to your TikTok page. Truly, I saw the interview, the first interview you did, and I was just like I gotta check this out, like, and I watched you and you know, watching your grief journey and then seeing you not long ago. You know it's been a little over a year now year and a couple months for you and you know you said you had a moment, and I think it's really important on Grief Journey to just be honest in those moments, you know James Taylor is my man. James Taylor, I mean my dad. We rode every summer to North Carolina listening to James Taylor's greatest hits from the time I was a baby and so when my father was in hospice, that's just all we did because it connected us and we sang and I would sing to him and you know, and when you said that it just went, it was like I knew exactly what you felt it takes me to the floor every time.
Speaker 2:First of all, it is a beautiful song.
Speaker 1:Do you know the origin of that?
Speaker 2:song His friend. She put him in a psychiatric institute.
Speaker 1:Yes, and put it into her yes, yes. And do you know that that psychiatric hospital was in my dad's hometown? No kidding, morganton, north Carolina. Yes, broughton Hospital.
Speaker 2:You know, and I just found that out a couple months ago because it was laying me out every time and I said, well, let me just see what the background of the song was and. I looked it up and it was because they put her in a mental institution.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, but isn't that crazy? Like I always, I love the way the world sort of intertwines itself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's a certain synchronicity to it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so what was your grief playlist Like, what was it? Because I became all about distracting myself so I bit like I went. You know, I would just do things, and one of the things that I noticed when I would go after that first year, you know how, like your, your favorite songs come in the next year and I looked back on my playlist and I was doing some, some like all over the place songs what were? What were your sort of like I need to get and release and just get it out.
Speaker 2:I would do like power rock songs, like it's probably stuff you've never, never heard of, like last train to nowhere by uh the gray hat the gray.
Speaker 1:Go ahead, now go ahead.
Speaker 2:I was just gonna say or screw you like me mean it. It's not, it's f you like you mean it, but yeah, I mean, it's just wrong. Just yeah, like you mean. I listened to Anita Baker.
Speaker 1:I got that you when, when people talk about grief, you know there's so many different stages and for me the first night was very interesting. I laid my I'm actually in the room, this was my dad's room and I I just laid in his hospice bed that night. I mean, I just didn't, it didn't feel real, but I didn't want to let go Like I knew they were coming to take the bed away and I knew that you know. And so what was that first night like for you?
Speaker 2:I got so drunk I just passed out and I did that for two weeks. I just me and Chopin potato vodka. I would get up at four o'clock in the morning because I'm always an early riser. He had died suddenly out of the blue. I mean people were in the house laying floors.
Speaker 1:Keep going.
Speaker 2:They were laying floors, they were doing doors and he was my accountant and he was everybody's accountant, so they had sent him all of their stuff. I had to send their stuff back to them. I had to go through his. I had to go to the hospital and find his car. Uh, it was just all day just putting out fires. All day long, fire after fire. People were calling his phone. I had to tell him they were dead. He was dead. I mean, it was just. It was just one fire after another. I was supposed to have all my taxes go out, you know my 1099s, and you know I had to call an accountant friend of his to get get that done. I didn't know where anything was. I mean, we were completely unprepared. He was supposed to come home.
Speaker 2:He just went in for an MRI. He just went in for an MRI, so it was all about. So I would work, work, work, work, work. I do everything. I would pack up his off. I went through, I cleaned out office, I got his client stuff back to him, I cleaned out all the closets. I cleaned out all the dressers. I cleaned out everything by two o'clock, I was hammered and I went to bed and then I did it all over again.
Speaker 1:So you did what you had to and later, and later and later and later.
Speaker 2:then I got off vodka, went to wine later and later, and then, when I got to seven o'clock with a glass of wine, I said I'm good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and do you think that that was intentional, like do you think you did the business side of it and then just literally just blacked yourself out to not think about the things you didn't have to write, could not run with it.
Speaker 2:Could not run with it, Because I have two sons, younger sons, and they're my sons and they're my father's sons I'm just going to leave it there. And so we were all struggling. And I had one who was really, really, really struggling and you know, he'd come get in the bed at three o'clock in the morning, we'd talk a little bit and then he'd leave, but I made, I made. I was either busy or unconscious.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:One of the two.
Speaker 1:And when did you sort of hit that turning point that was like, okay, this isn't going to, this can't be forever. And now I'm going to begin to sort of at least look at it.
Speaker 2:You know it's funny because I worry about things so much and I worried about you. Know, have you ever watched Hoarders? Yes, I worried about becoming one of those people because I've never been a neat person and I've had to become much neater because I was married and he couldn't stand it.
Speaker 2:So I had this and a lot of them on there they talk about. Everything was beautiful forever. He died and everything went to, went to pot. So I was mean on clean. It was very, very important and I remember two weeks in cause I was getting getting hammered at two. I called a friend of mine. I said it's two o'clock and I'm hammered and I'm worried. He said give yourself a month. If you still hammered at two, we'll talk about it. But I wasn't. Do you know what?
Speaker 2:I mean yeah. And then I got a grief counselor who wasn't very good.
Speaker 1:They never really are. They really are.
Speaker 2:I couldn't figure it out no, and this one chick was like I would always open up with. This is what I did this week. Yeah, and I would always be honest about what I drink, when I drank it and how much I drank. Every time I tell them. And she said you know, we can't get anywhere unless you admit you have a drinking problem. And I'm like bitch, what have I been telling you this whole time? We got a problem I start out with I had vodka at 4. And I'm not comfortable with that, so tomorrow I'm going to have it at 4.30. Yeah, I had a plan to fix it, but she was supposed to hold me responsible and then tell me you got to admit you have a problem, Like why do you think I'm here?
Speaker 1:you know what mine did, my, my grief counselor. I said to her because I I still believe this, I believe that people are energy and it never goes away. And I would say to her that my dad's energy is still with me and I have these conversations. Do you know she? She reported, as I was talking to imaginary people, that I was hearing hallucinations because I was bipolar, that I was hearing things and I was having hallucinations and I was like I'm not coming back. And that's when I realized that I wanted to really and that's how this podcast started, because it was so.
Speaker 1:There are so many things that I learned during my grief journey and watching other people go through theirs. Not only is it a unique, it's unique to everybody, a better human being that I could have ever imagined, because I decided to really do the work and sort of go through those emotions and process them in a way that felt right to me, and I spent an entire year just doing what felt right and I just would trust my intuition and I would just allow myself to sort of grow and evolve as it as it happened. How do you think that has shaped who Judge Lynn Toler is today. Like where did that bring you to and who are you today? I'm not sure yet.
Speaker 2:I love that answer. I, you know I take myself apart and put myself together all the time, because I always have had to, because I've always struggled so mightily with who I am and how I feel. Yeah, so it was almost old hat. Yeah, in a new jacked up arena yeah all right.
Speaker 2:Okay, this is the problem what you gonna do. Let the drinking go too bad. You got to watch your kids, you got to make sure. All that, just just just every day. Write down what you need to do and just keep moving, keep moving, keep moving, keep moving. And you know, I called my girlfriends who were widows, you know and they would get me through it. I'd go in the closet, scream, holler and cry. I'd have to tell my son to leave the house first because he couldn't take it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I mean, I would just holler. I would you know, wear his clothes around the house. I would, you know, just act a fool, and you know. And then it slowly, slowly dissipated. You know what I mean. So, you know, if James Taylor don't say nothing to me, I'll be all right.
Speaker 1:And I think what I have learned and I'm now I'm almost three years, in July It'll be three years for me I think what I have learned is that now I can take it as love and I smile and I tell stories and I realize how lucky I was to have the journey. Like you know people, I always wonder what's worse. You know, losing them without warning or having the warning and I feel just so lucky to have had the time to really do the work and and and say the things that I needed to say. And do you think that you left anything unsaid or do you feel like each day you woke up and you told each other, or at least felt? Maybe not told each other, but you knew each day how you felt?
Speaker 2:I'd tell him I loved him all day long. Good you know, I mean he'd be in his office. Love you, that's for no reason. Yeah, you know I poke my head in what you doing and he'd go. I mean, we're goofing around, we were sitting.
Speaker 2:I mean you know it was like, yeah, we done made money, we're in a good spot, house is paid for, we're going to put some new floors in and we're going to take some train rides and we're going to run around the country and visit the grandchildren, and that's where we were. So we didn't left anything unsaid and and I agree with you that the fact that you had time was was was my mother and I, who were were extraordinarily close. She died of ALS frontal temporal dementia and it was nice to be able to sit and talk, you know about it, and she talked to my youngest son, who struggles a bit emotionally, and she got him together and it was just, it was nice, and with him it was like it was sirens. I mean I, he and I had been together longer than I had ever been single. We were together 34 years. I married him when I was. I met him when I was 27. And I, just like I was, I couldn't figure out who I was for a second.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know cause? I was half of the pair, that was us. Yeah, it changes. I mean, it really is your identity.
Speaker 1:I mean, it is your identity. You have your separate identity. You now it's like I'm not married anymore and I don't miss the companionship, at least not yet.
Speaker 2:I still miss him.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Yeah, I miss him so and I think that will never go away. And I think you know, with marriage it's very different than when you're a parent. Because you're a parent you can mourn that person sort of forever. And there's no, you know, there's nothing, society doesn't make you feel bad about it, but when you're married it's like people expect you to sort of get over it. And you know I'm sure you've already been asked when you're going to date. Can I tell?
Speaker 2:you what people have been doing. I get about 60, 70 messages a day on TikTok, about 20 a day on Facebook. Any dude with a penis and a pulse has dropped in and waved. Three of them were apparently told by God that I was their next wife. Oh they need to get together because apparently somebody got somebody else's email.
Speaker 2:Apparently, they all got the same email and I had one guy say to me and it was so funny, I screenshotted it from Facebook. At 7 o'clock he said are you available to talk? And at seven o'clock on Facebook the next day he says I really think you're beautiful. At seven o'clock the next day is oh, I can see that you think you're too good for me.
Speaker 1:Oh, those are my favorite.
Speaker 2:African-American women? Now, I don't even this is an African dude and I don't even look at my messages, but once a week.
Speaker 1:I'm honored you answered mine.
Speaker 2:And I look and I don't answer many.
Speaker 1:Yeah. You know, I don't have anything to say to a dude. Yeah, yeah, no.
Speaker 2:I don't have anything and I'm not interested, Right, but you are interesting though. But you were interesting though.
Speaker 1:Thank you, thank you. You probably was like, oh, she's crazy. I got to at least see what she's up to.
Speaker 2:You want to know what it was. It was how you wrote your first when I first. It's how you wrote what you wrote. You write well. Most people don't.
Speaker 1:Thank you, tony Morrison told me I had a gift you wrote. You write well. Most people don't. Thank you, toni Morrison told me I had a gift for words. You do. You do, you write well. I tell everybody that that's my claim to fame. Toni Morrison said I had a gift for words.
Speaker 1:If she had said that to me, I'd be telling, I'd have that on my Facebook page I did an event for Barack Obama President Obama when he was running and she was at the event and I did a thing about autism my son's autistic and she said that to me and I said just so you know, I'm going to tell everybody for the rest of my life as well, you should.
Speaker 2:As well you should so.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you. I like to articulate how I feel, because I think when you come to people in a state of how you really are, I think the authenticity allows people to see you and then they can decide if they want it or not, and that was kind of my thing. I'm going to send her this message. This is how I feel, and if she doesn't respond, it's okay.
Speaker 2:And I don't know if you want me to say this part or not. Go ahead, and if you don't, I can take it out. You can edit it out.
Speaker 1:No, no go.
Speaker 2:I I love honesty and awesome when you said I'm manic right now, but I won't keep talking, I was like, like oh, I know where she is.
Speaker 1:I deleted that message. By the way. Did you see that what? I deleted that message and I was like she already read it.
Speaker 2:I thought that's what made me. That's what made me. She understands what's happening with her. Most people will say, well, I'm bipolar and these things are happening. She understands it. She understands it. She knows where she is in the cycle. She knows what that position in the cycle makes her do and she's currently fighting it in order to get where she needs. She's like me.
Speaker 1:Thank you, and I am so. I'm so glad you said that, because I did, because this was before I really learned about your mental health. I mean, I knew overall but I didn't know. You know to this extent. So I sent it and I was like, oh my God, she's going to run for the hills and I deleted it. But I knew I'd like I knew you already. I read it.
Speaker 2:I read it, I saw it and I said this woman is self-aware.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know you can do. You can work with people who are self-aware.
Speaker 2:even if they ain't right, they you know they got it quite together that day you can work with people who are self-aware, and so that's why I did it.
Speaker 1:I appreciate that so much because it is one of the things that I have tried to always be. I've tried to be honest with who I am and I've tried to be real with people because I again, when you meet people where they are, there's a level of trust that when you're, when you're being yourself. And that's what I wanted. I wanted you to realize that I was going to come to this with just an honest heart and wanting to share your story and and the things that you have done. I do want to talk about the whole brother mission, because I think it's really important to talk about how we can help and the things that we can do. So just talk about that and why it's important to you. Well, it's interesting.
Speaker 2:I can't even remember how that brother got to me, but he knew I was talking about black mental health, and mental health in the black community is like you know. We have more problems in the mainstream community because you know, you know I mean for a multitude of reasons that we don't need to get into.
Speaker 1:There is a disparity in services, there's a disparity in diagnosis, I mean absolutely A lack of trust in the medical system, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2:system, absolutely, absolutely. And different cultural. You know, it's just the Black church has been resistant to it.
Speaker 2:So there's just a whole lot of reasons why. And he was like, especially for Black, for any man, they ain't gonna sit around and talk about how they feel, even though they need to. So he was like they need to talk about how they feel. So I'm going to open up that conversation. And he reached out I can't remember when or why and I said yes and I did the forward to the book and I just appreciate him and so I just, you know, if I see you're doing something in my life like I also have another call called Bloom 365.
Speaker 1:And we go into schools to teach people, teach young women and men, how not to be abused and how not to become an abuser, and so if someone comes to me with something that I feel is important, you know, as long as I think you're doing right, I appreciate that because I think that you know a lot of the times when people get a certain level of celebrity, they don't realize that there is still an impact that they can make with the you know common, so to speak, people, and I think it speaks to who you are, who your mother was, the relationship that you had with your husband and your father I think you're able to see all those things and your father.
Speaker 1:I think you're able to see all those things and that's why, the more that I began to learn about you, I you became truly a friend in my head, because I'm like I know this, I know this journey, I know and it's funny, I mean we we came from very different but similar, similar, you know background and I just love how honest you are, because I don't think people are honest enough about I love that you're honest.
Speaker 1:I'm going to have to go in a few, yeah, so let's yeah, let's finish up, because I don't want to keep you much longer. I appreciate this so much. I only have two more questions, or two more things I'd like to ask you what would you say to your eight-year-old self today?
Speaker 2:Stop worrying about it. It's going to be fine.
Speaker 1:I love that. And then I just want to ask you some rapid fire questions, because I love travel and food. What's your favorite candy?
Speaker 2:M&M's Fast food. It's been a minute Subway.
Speaker 1:Subway, ok, what's your favorite place to travel?
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't go very far. My my most fun vacation was, uh, I know, uh, the islands. I love going to the islands, me too.
Speaker 1:And what is your happy place?
Speaker 2:I'm not too rapid, tired this morning Still looking for it.
Speaker 1:I love that. Still looking for it, judge, I am honored, I am grateful and I just want to thank you so much for this opportunity and I wish you all the best and I'm looking forward to watching you continue your journey and just be an amazing and compassionate person. I appreciate you.
Speaker 2:I wish you well.
Speaker 1:Thank you.