AZ's Story, University and Alcohol, Tourette Syndrome, Drinking and Driving Saves Lives, Punjabi

#011 - AZ's (Azreer Gill) story from social anxiety and communication difficulties, to the consequent rehab experience and the choice of abstinence. Listen to the experience shared by host AZ which took him from small-town British Columbia, to Toronto and the Canadian Arctic. This episode emphasizes the importance of sharing personal stories as part of the healing process, and the personal growth and capacities discovered through this journey. 

Transcript

 It was Captain Morgan spice rum, and I poured the other with Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke or something. That was my very first drink and I had it by myself in my room.

And all of a sudden I was able to connect what my brain was saying to my speech pattern. And I was like, wow, where has this been my entire life? This is like superhuman strength. And I loved it

What made you decide that you wanted to get into podcasting, Izzy? 

I truly believe that we have messaging to offer in this world. And, if something has helped me and I'm living and breathing today why do I want to hide that from people? Cause someone else out there might need to hear it, here, maybe 10 seconds of what I have to say that might just help them in their life.

Maybe even save a life. So I truly believe that.  We're doing a disservice to the people out there if we can't share the struggles and how we got out of them. So called the rat race. 

 So I also want to know AZ there's lots of things that you could have done a podcast on.

Why this podcast? And why do you feel like this is such a good fit between you, me, Howl at the Moon? Just give us a little bit of insight on that.  It's a really good question. Addiction and recovery, regardless of what addiction someone has, to me it's anything in life that makes someone's life unmanageable to a certain degree.

It can be alcohol, it can be overeating, it can be too much running, and  in a sense that you're not fulfilling your other duties in your life. And so  I wanted  to make this a topic where people can  tune into and discuss it. It's not just for the person pushing the shopping cart down the street. It's actually not that when we look at people in very high income, high social status areas of the country,  they have addiction problems too, but we may not necessarily see it because they have a home to go to.

So it might happen indoors versus outside, or it might just happen on their property, they might not pass out on the street, but they might pass out in their backyard. Addiction knows no boundaries. I agree with you there. Yeah. And so I'm like, how do I bundle this and turn it into a weekly messaging avenue?

And I thought podcast, and I didn't want to do it alone. There was a lot of fear there. I was scared, I'm still nervous about all of this. And I told myself, I'm like,  how do I find a partner in crime in all of this? And that's when, I've been living in Thunder Bay now since May and I've moved here for work now that I'm living in civilization, I was in the Arctic and I'll get into that a little bit later, but I was in the Arctic and I left that and I'm like, okay, it's time to be around people and let's pursue this podcast that I always wanted to do.

And then I ran into Howl at the Moon. So two months of living in Thunder Bay, I walked by. This establishment and I was with a buddy of mine and he said, yeah, that's a sober cafe. I'm like, really? And so we're at a comedy show a few weeks later and after the show, it was just around the corner here. I decided to come in and that's when I met you and right away I thought, okay no one just wakes up in the morning thinking that I'm going to open up a sober cafe  right off the get go.

I said, okay, this gentleman probably has several years. And of sobriety has been in the addiction and recovery game for quite some time. And right away, after having a conversation with you, Jody has a healthy space. And this might very well work because he sees along the same lenses myself in a sense that we're here to give people.

A message. And now that I have a partner, it's like a catalyst for me to continue with it and to push forward with it because we all need pushes in our lives to make things happen. And Jody, you're giving me that push.  Right on, AZ. I still remember that that first night when I met you, when you came in here and right away I could feel your energy and I could tell that you were really excited about the Half Moon Project.

And when you pitched the idea of a podcast to me. And just the way you pitched it your energy and how excited you were about it. I, I was all in and, and it's amazing. We just clicked right away and work started on this project. And here we are sitting here today recording another episode.

And I'm really excited about that because I agree with you. Sometimes  it takes a couple of people to work together to get the best results, especially when the two people have similar goals. And I know that we're both committed to  this podcast and sharing this message.

So I'm pumped too, man.  And our initial name of the podcast was Addicted, Stories of Addiction and Recovery,  and then we  changed it to Rat Race, Stories of Addiction and Recovery.  And if i'm in active addiction or whether I'm in recovery,  I either got out of this rat race of alcohol consumption and I'm staying out of it now.

So what's keeping me out of the rat race? And then there's that if I'm in addiction, I'm still caught in the rat race. So something's keeping me in that cycle. And to me, rat race means I'm at a point in my life where I'm fully dependent on this addiction, let's say, and it is alcohol  at one point in my life, I wake up, I have these tremors, I take a shot, and then something pisses me off later in the day.

And then, as much as I say, I'm not going to drink that night.  It's my usage cycle. I pick up the bottle again and I'm drinking. And then without dealing with the situation or the problem, I wake up in the morning and  the problem is still there. And then I just keep repeating the cycle. It's just ongoing, ever ending rat race until we can get out of it.

And there's ways to get out of it, but everyone's journey is different. And then once you're out of it  what's the person doing in that healthy healing environment that's keeping them out of it. And I find interviewing anyone, whether they're in the recovery side or the addiction side, we can explore how people in this world are staying out of the rat race or how they plan to get out of the rat race. 

I really like  the title of our podcast rat race, it took a little while to come to that particular title. It was through some trial and error and, we were looking for a name for this upcoming podcast. And we bounced a bunch of ideas back and forth, and there were a few that were, okay, and we were all right with them but nothing really jumped out at us, I think we can both relate to that, and then one day the idea of Rat Race Was presented and to me when I heard that it just made sense because it truly is a rat race When you're in that cycle of addiction, it's absolutely a rat race and I agree with you What we want to share  is  you know what does that rat race look like two different people and what are the different ways and the different techniques and ways that people use to get out of that rat race and what are some of the techniques And things that people use to, to stay out of that rat race and even why do people fall back into that rat race?

And those are some of the things that we're going to discuss on upcoming episodes between you and I, but also with with some of the guests that we bring on and we're going to get some different perspectives on that rat race.  And here's some stories of people who have successfully gotten out of that rat race and even some stories of people who are still caught up in that rat race.

Yeah, just the other day I was sitting here and there was a gentleman that shared his experience of how he's out of it and what he's doing now, and  he's a painter. he's an artist, and that's his avenue out. And when I look at all my buddies or the people I know that are no longer in active addiction, they're in recovery now, they all have different strategies that keeps them out of the rat race, that sustains that journey of healing and well being.

I'm really excited about hearing more about your story. And I've got some questions that I want to ask you

why don't you start by telling me a little bit about your early life and where you grew up?  I was born and raised in a small town in northern British Columbia, a place called Terrace B. C.  It's on the terminal on the west side of Highway 16. Highway 16 stretches over the other provinces in Canada up to Manitoba, which is about  Into Mountain Time and Terrace is in Pacific Time.

So it's way out there. It's about an hour and a half inland from the Pacific Ocean. The town at the very end is Prince Rupert and then my town is Terrace.  And in fact, the Alaska Islands they dip down parallel to British Columbia. And so we're right at the tip there.  To drive from Vancouver to Terrace, we're looking at 14 hours.

Good 1400 kilometers. . And so I was born and raised there in 1986. But my mom and dad  had me there, yes, in the 80s. And also my three sisters, they were all born in the 80s as well. So I grew up around my mom and my three sisters.

And with that, we had  three independent structures. And so we had this  immigrant structure inside the house. And then right outside the house, there was this Western structure. This whole Caucasian and indigenous first nation structure. And and I was essentially trying to figure out where I fit in. And so the thing is, if I go back to my mom and dad,  they moved from  India to Canada, they immigrated in 1979, 80.  And they settled in Terrace, BC because my dad's older brother was there at the time.  And my dad has multiple brothers, they all moved out to the Toronto area 

and my dad stayed because he worked in the CN Rail, the Canadian National Rail. And he actually worked there up until just this past pandemic, around the pandemic he retired. So it was a good 40 plus years in the Canadian National Railway. And because he worked out of town,  he would work two weeks  in the field, meaning that Alberta, Saskatchewan, back into BC, and then he would get four or five days off where he would come home  to my mom and me and my three sisters.

But because I grew up in a household with women, I felt like I was just trying to figure out where I fit in.

, the town is about 10, 000 people, majority of the people are Caucasian you got the indigenous groups and there is a reserve, a First Nations reserve in town.

And then there's a First Nations reserve just outside of town. And that was my high school, you knew that divide was there and  I didn't know enough about it because that's where I was born. But I didn't know the history of why people were clustered that way.  And my mom and dad from Punjab, it's an area of northwest India,  they grew up in a small town there.

So  since they're from there and they moved to a small town in northern B. C.,  there's only about 50 families that speak that language in that town.  You're trying to fit into the majority, which is English.

And Then you're not even sure what the language you're learning at home. Is it correct? What if I go and speak to someone that's fluent in Punjabi? How do I know if I haven't tested it in society that the way My parent's structure, the way they're explaining it to me is. 

That's amazing. I appreciate you sharing that part of your life  what I want to know next is do you have any memories of being a toddler,  anything that you remember from that stage in your life? 

I do. As an infant, I used to cry a lot and as a toddler, so let's say under the age of five,  if I wanted food, I wanted that baby food.  I know what I want. I want it. I want it right now.  I remember that. And I was also a very curious kid. I love getting my hands into everything, but one thing.

Me sitting there and not saying much and being silent as a kid, as a toddler, let's say, was a red flag, I think other than crying. And so let's just say without being diagnosed with anything, I wasn't fully there. And I can even back that up by having conversations with my mom now about how was I like under the age of five,  and with my dad.

Look, my dad had no education coming from India for him to get a job in the railway that pays amazing to support a family of four kids and a wife and himself. Yeah, the tax or the drawback there was he wouldn't be home a lot, it made him who he is today. And he  got us through that upbringing, but him not being there, I think I was always looking for that too, at that early age  my dad,  he was a provider and that was his priority and he had a job to do and he excelled at it. He did a great, he did it well, but for kids to simulate into social groups and local culture and community engagement, go and try different sports. 

 Like extracurricular activities that was not a priority for my dad and he was like, okay, here's a soccer ball. Here's some cleats. That's as far as we're going to go. It's 50 bucks for the entire season. We're going to do that. Not hockey where you have to get 2, 000 worth of gear at the time and then  pay your admission fee.

And no, that was not going to happen. And my parents taught me though, that emotions and feelings . You gotta stuff those. We don't share them. It's a first world problem. Put them away. Don't express it.  And it's not their fault. It's just the way they grew up.

It's the structure they had in their village that they came from of like less than 50 homes, so  and you bring that model wherever you go. And at the same time, the expectation from my mom and dad was follow the rules of the house, follow that immigrant structure. They knew one path, the way they were raised.

If you go ABC will equal X, Y, and Z  throughout your life. Follow the structure, spirituality and other household rules,  the expectation even at that early age was like, okay, go get educated, get a job, buy a house, have kids, there's a timeframe for all of that.

And that's the only model they knew  that was it. And  I remember though, I must've been four or five years old, but I remember the state clearly, we were living apartment at the time. And there was this birthday cake, there's this birthday cake. And for some reason, I remember that was the first time I ever had cake.

And I also have a photo of this today and it was taken and there's a cake in front of me and I was like, wow.  I wanted to eat the whole thing. I remember crying when I was sleeping thinking that there's cake in the fridge and I want it now. I don't want to go to sleep. And I don't want anyone to have it.

I want it like right now, and I remember that obsessive behavior of me growing up. I also had a lot of repetitive behavior. If I liked a song, even at that age,  I wanted it to keep playing back to me. Or that was on the radio. Let's hear that again.

That's a nice beat. And same thing with toys. I remember having this toy gun that made sounds when you pulled the trigger, but it annoyed the hell out of my dad  every time he came home. So he had eventually ended up snapping it in half, which, I don't blame him for it because he wants to come home to this, right?

Like kids, there, he just wanted a peace and quiet. He's a spiritual man in nature. He still is. But so again if someone told me,  that's annoying me or that's, you shouldn't do that. I would keep doing it.  I was trying to figure myself out and I got a rush out of irritating other people, even as a toddler, I remember that as much as I remember, but even my mom can confirm all that today.

I can relate  to that annoying gun, actually,  I remember when I was a kid,  my mom had a real problem with one of the toys that was gifted to me by somebody outside of the family, and  She didn't break it, but it definitely eventually got taken away from me. It was one of those Star Wars guns and it just had these really loud and annoying siren type noises when you pull the trigger and I loved it too, but my mom didn't love it so much.

And it just made me think of that when you shared your story about your dad, taking that gun away from you. So you took some time and you described some  compulsive behaviors as a youngster, I tend to think that probably later on in life those behaviors may be continued and probably maybe played a role into your addiction later on in life.

Do you feel like that's the case, Az?

Yeah. Definitely. I can relate to so many examples that way. And I'd like to get into my preschool years.  And so I wasn't a smart kid. Maybe it's because  the system of teaching back in BC wasn't fit for  my learning ability.  Maybe I had a different way of learning, which I was never diagnosed with.

But and being in a small town, you don't really have access to all these resources for testing, maybe in Vancouver or Toronto at the time, but not in a remote community like that. So I realized in preschool, like  now going into like my early stages of school,  I started interacting with other kids and  I realized I didn't know how to do that.

My parents, they spoke Punjabi  at home, and it wasn't even that strong because remember they're from a rural town area of India, Punjab, the state is Punjab and the language they speak there is Punjabi. And you take that rural area and you move it into a city.  In India, it still sounds  off.

It's a different dialect. It's like English here in Canada, English on the East coast or Newfoundland versus East coast in BC. It still sounds different, slightly. For sure. The words are still there, but it sounds different. Bit of a different dialect. Yeah. And so same thing in the state of Punjab.

And so I'm speaking this hood Punjabi, I call it. It's from the hood  in the house. I'm not practicing it out in society, but just with my mom and dad. And then even the Punjabi speaking community in Terrace, BC, they were  really busy just trying to fit into the majority, in my opinion, so  we would interact behind closed doors, maybe like in functions and stuff but in society it was a little bit different, we were just trying to fit in, I think  and so there was no one really to practice my Punjabi and like the only exposure I had to English until preschool was like Sesame Street and Barney.

I remember that those were the two shows and that wasn't like high level English. Do you know what I mean? I don't think it really prepared me enough  for school. It wasn't until my older sister.  So I'm a year and a half under my older sister.

And then I have two younger sisters, the first one of the youngest was born  two years after me, but we're all really close in age. We're all between today we're between the ages of 32 and like 38. We're all between that timeframe  or that age. And it wasn't until my older sister  went to preschool and came back to the house.

And started speaking English and I'm like, okay, that's now we're interacting with some sort of English. I need to be able to do that,  and I, all I remember is defaulting because I couldn't communicate though, properly in school,  even in preschool, I just defaulted to being extremely silent,  when I was around people, especially if I didn't know them, but when I was around my family, I would cry and I would say random things, whether they made sense or not. 

And I always had my guard up  for the sole reason that I didn't know how to interact with people. And,  I was in preschool and a kid named Sean, I remember his name too. There was two Sean's in that preschool, but one of them, it was like the snap on bracelets that you snap and it goes around your list.

But I remember he took it, he just took it and  that was one thing that was given to me by, by my mom and dad. And so then I thought, okay, maybe taking things as normal.  Cause he's doing it then. But when I tried to confront him about it, I couldn't speak. I couldn't get my words out.

And so no one really understood what I was saying. And no one would, even if I got to a point, if I were to even get the words out I was like, who's going to believe me,  I'm outnumbered. There's one Brown kid and the rest are all white.  And so I remember taking, I took the guy's school supplies.

Later  in preschool and  I didn't take it all of it. I think I took like a glue stick and some stickers. He had the smelly stickers, the ones that you smell, you scratch and  they smell like strawberries. I remember those. So I took those and then my mom found them and when my mom found them at home, she's like, where'd you get these?

I'm like, Oh, the teacher said we could take them home. I think I said it in Punjabi.  She didn't believe me. Yeah. She made me take them back. Yeah. And  when I took him back, my mom left from school. She dropped me off that day at preschool. The teacher put me up for show and tell. And I had to explain to everyone and tell them I took these.

So I had  that shame and guilt, not only at that moment, but then carry me through preschool because I was labeled as that person, that thief, so your initial question was,   yeah, so these behaviors were developing these behaviors of obsessiveness and addiction. 

 They're progressive and they take time. But  yes, I'm going to get into it. I'm going to get into how this ties it nicely in my addiction because these are all steps that are leading up to it. Yeah. Yeah. And that's exactly what I was getting at  but I can certainly see how there was early signs of where you might go in life and how you may end up struggling later on with some addictions and some of that compulsive behavior early on and some of that social awkwardness, I think as we'll learn  led to some of your issues later in life. 

  We talked a little bit about about preschool and kindergarten.

And so now you're growing up a little bit here, you're starting to get a little bit older and you're heading into, to kindergarten to grade seven. Do you have any memories from that particular time in your life? Yes. So many.  Our schools were divided.

I did grades one, two, three  at a primary school, we called it. And then I went to four, five, six at an elementary school.  And so I remember those days well enough to share a bit on them. I discovered I had a learning disability and and a speech impediment. So  I couldn't.  Connect my thought process to my speech.

Okay. Like I couldn't do that. And so because of that, I was just thrown into English as a second language, ESL, which is completely fine. Yes. I'm born there. I spoke this ghetto hood Punjabi in the house.  And then all of a sudden preschool starts and I go into kindergarten, but I'm not like, I don't have that upbringing of speaking English.

Or Punjabi properly. So I honestly can't tell you what my first language was.  And so whether it was reading something or speaking, you name it. I had a challenge with it.  If I was reading something, call it misdiagnosed dyslexia  or just like maybe even a bit of autism. But again,  I couldn't comprehend what I was reading.

I would have to read the same thing 20 times. And still I was like, okay, what did I just read? And  I twitched a lot. they  found a cyst in my brain.  It's sitting on my cerebellum, but it's benign. It just sits there, but growing up, it's a bit of a scare in a sense that we don't know what it's going to do.

You should get it removed. And mom didn't want to get it removed. Let's just leave it. And maybe that was a good thing, but it's still there. I get it checked every several years and it's just sitting there. It's just a fluid sack.  It's not growing or anything, whatever the terms are, but I always thought if the cerebellum controls my motor functions of my body maybe is it that or is it because I did twitch a lot.

I was diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome.  It's this neurological twitching disorder, blinking of the eyes, abnormal movements of the shoulders, and I can't control it. They just fire off and I'm going to do it. And then there's saying things I'm not supposed to like making noises, barking noises, repeating words. 

These are all, I had all these and I was diagnosed with that at an early age.  And so  here I am, I can't get my words out.  When they count, and I can't stop saying random words when they don't count.  And so I always question myself. I'm like, okay, is it the cyst that's sitting on my cerebellum? Is it that why I'm doing all this?

Or is it because I actually have this diagnosis called Trett syndrome? I later learned that it is genetic through my dad's side, because I do have a cousin that's in the same boat as me.  But there's different levels of it.

I had it all, I used to play sports and sometimes use it to my advantage that I'd kick the soccer ball and I would miss cause I twitched or I would kick  and I would twitch and it would go in. So I don't know.  I'm not saying I was an all star athlete or not.

I was far from that, but I just, if someone noticed that I was twitching or saying words or even curse words, if someone called me out on it,  I would have to keep doing it until I felt that they didn't notice or acknowledge it. It was a game I had to play with myself. I also later learned that's a sign of trets too, that the person has to do it enough times until they feel comfortable that, people around them aren't noticing. 

So the best thing to do, just those that are listening, is don't acknowledge anyone that's In that realm or twitching or saying things let them be and and let them feel that no one is acknowledging. So that, that was me figuring all that out up until like grade seven, going into high school.

That's incredible. Thanks for sharing all that. It must have been challenging for you not being able to communicate effectively. That's the one thing that really stuck  to me just visualizing you as a youngster and being in a social setting school  and the other kids being able to communicate freely  and you just having a real hard time expressing your emotions and communicating with these kids and making friends.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Yeah I just I personally can't relate to that, but it's very interesting to hear you share that part of your life. Jody, I learned really quickly to laugh with it and not be defensive over it because There was another dude, another kid that had trets  and I saw him get defensive and kids use that to their advantage.

And, he would get bullied and his head might end up in the toilet. And so I knew if I intervened, then I'm next. So I just laughed around with it. And  for the most part, everyone was good with me,  you can't please everyone in school, whatever that means.

But so I realized to laugh with it rather than be defensive about it. 

 You've gone  on to share a little bit about kindergarten to grade seven.  Moving forward I'd love if you'd tell us a little bit about what you remember about your high school years.

Absolutely. Silent type, extremely silent, and people just think that the people that are silent are smart,  but  it's because I couldn't speak properly, and the times I did speak I was, it was probably, it was trets. I would twitch and I would say random words, like if I liked a word I'd like to say it a few times and twitch at the same time.

But I excelled in like repetitive material, so anything like, I had to go over and over again, like statistics. Looking at a graph for some reason, looking at a graph for 30 minutes and trying to figure it out. It was a visual rather than reading words and it took me still a long time to get what I was looking at.

But for some reason it stilled my mind. And so like some math subjects, not all of them, but anything to do with graphs, I was good at oddly enough. And I am still today, Adam. I like looking at charts. But English. Even in science, I was never really my strong suit. And people just thought again that I was smart because, I was quiet and silent. 

And I didn't go anywhere. I stayed home a lot. My mom and dad, they wanted me to follow that immigrant structure. So  they kept me sheltered. And again, it's not their fault, it's just the way they were raised. And so I was expected to do A, B, and C equals X, Y, and Z, follow that spiritual path,  get married, have kids, repeat the cycle kind of thing. 

 And but my three sisters were all around and look, my three sisters, how do I put this? Like they're good looking sisters, like they were good looking individuals and  I think every white dude in town, not every, but there was people in town that wanted to date my sisters. That's going against my mom and dad's structure. 

And so when I saw my mom and dad upset about things like that, like I felt like I needed to correct some of that. And,  but really whatever I said and did, it didn't, it would have never changed the outcome because everyone's journey, my three sisters independently have to figure that out in life,

 Everyone's journey is independent and I can truly say that today they're all on a path of like wellness and but they needed to independently understand that for themselves. Just like I had to figure out how to do that for myself.  And the best thing for me was to just, let their lives play out.

There's no should'ves, could'ves, what ifs. I don't have that in my life today towards them. Like I said, they independently had  figure out themselves and work with their own identities to live out in this world  and they're doing well, they're all doing well today. 

Okay. You graduate from high school.  What happens next? Where does your life go after you graduated from high school, Izzy?

so I graduated high school in 2004.

I knew that I needed to do something, like I needed an edge in society and how do I do that?

So like going to school was all I knew I got to go get an education because that's what I'm programmed to do. And my parents want me to do that. So I'm going to go and seek some sort of degree or credential because that's what they're teaching us.  And so  I did my first year and again, I graduated high school and my marks were good, but I knew deep down inside that I wasn't. Excelling at any of these subjects. The only reason I was getting through them is because of repetition.  And yeah, I got some A's, I got some B's and there's physics. I remember  a C minus. And I would try to hide that because it was embarrassing. And  I always was frustrated that I'm doing all this work   but I'm not getting the grade that I want. 

It got to a point where sometimes like I would lie about it too.  Because I wanted people to think that I was smart.  I know today that I just had a different, I have a different style of learning, visual repetition.  And if I'm passionate about a subject, I go with it. I do well with it.

I know that about myself today. So I do my first year of sciences at a community college, Northwest community college in Terrace, BC. I'm like, perfect.  I don't have to go right off to a university where there's 200 people in a class. I can do it with a bunch of people I went to high school with, and there's only 10 people in the class and  we're getting credit towards a university degree. And this will be my first year I can live at home   and  this brings me to about April 2005, I finished my first year, and then I moved to Halifax, Nova Scotia.

I go to a school called Mount St. Vincent University, where I took Nutrition and Dietetics. And the reason why I picked that program is okay, after I'm done the program and I do this internship, I can be a clinical dietitian.  I didn't know what a clinical dietitian was or what they did. I just liked the title and the ring to it. 

And I'm like, I can do that. And I think a lot of it too was we followed one of the structures in the household growing up was follow a a lacto vegetarian diet and milk and alternatives is all game. We can have those, but then no meat, no eggs. It was just a vegetarian diet, lentils, a lot of flattened bread, a lot of rice.

And so I found I was burning a lot of energy twitching and.  And running around  naturally, just burning a lot of calories, but I would fill up on carbs all day, every day. And I'm like, there has to be more to this.   I was a little chubby? That was definitely a rounded kid. A well rounded kid, let's say visually.

And so I wanted to figure out how to  tweak up my diet too. This is back before all this stuff was available on the internet too. But  like I wanted to make enough so I can go do my own thing and I knew I needed a credential and I picked nutrition and dietetics. And  so I moved there.

I went as far away from BC as possible, maybe even to like, so this is the opposite end of the country to get away from my sisters, my mom and dad. And and here I am, I'm in Halifax and I'm starting my second year cause my first year transferred in, which was nice.  The first couple of years in Halifax, I would get invited out to social groups and I had a hard time interacting with people because again, one of the things my parents said was like sustained from alcohol and drugs.

And I followed that because I'm supposed to do A, B and C equals X, Y and Z, their path. And I remember dating for the first time when I got to Halifax, Nova Scotia. And it was, we didn't, I didn't know what I was doing. I thought it was like love at first sight. We're going to end up together.

And that clearly didn't happen. And  that kind of faded, the relationship ended, which was fine. I learned a lot about myself,  but then I got to a point, 3rd year university, I was 21 at the time, and I'm like, everyone drinks, so maybe I should try it too.

I was like, screw it. Cause I'm 21 now and I'm trying to figure out, I'm like, you know what, I have my first drink. Because I'm sick and tired of being socially awkward. It was January 2006, I remember the date, I remember the month,  and I tried alcohol, my first drink was, I went and got a Mickey, for those of you that don't know what a Mickey is, it's 375 milliliters.

 Of hard liquor, could be vodka, it could be whiskey, rum, and I remember buying that and I took a 250 milliliter glass  and I poured about half  it was a spice rum, Captain Morgan spice rum, and I poured the other with Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke or something. That was my very first drink and I had it by myself in my room.

And all of a sudden I was able to connect what my brain was saying to my speech pattern.  And I was like, wow, where has this been my entire life? This is like superhuman strength. Like I've never been able to talk this way.  And I loved it. I absolutely loved it. It was like, I just found my superhuman strength  and for the fact that I was able to speak to people with effortlessly, I was like wow, and so I just started looking forward to that every week now. So I'm like, okay, now I, there's an event coming up on Wednesday night. I'm going to, I'm going to go ahead and drink.  There's an event coming up next Wednesday.

I'm going to go ahead and drink.  I was obsessing over those Wednesdays and then  Wednesday started to turn into two days a week, and that's how it starts,  right? And two months after having my first drink, I remember I was at a a bar Cheers Nightclub in Halifax  and it was late.

It's probably around 12 31 in the morning,  either on a Friday or Saturday night. And. I get out and I'm like, okay, I just want to go home and I don't see a cab around me. So I get into this vehicle that was parked on the side of the road. It had a U Haul trailer in the back, but it was construction crew that were mapping out they were going down in the sewers to take some photos, some sort of assessment company at night when there's light traffic so they can go do that.

And the crew stopped to get  a couple of hot dogs. The drivers did cause there was a hot dog stand there. So I got in the front driver's seat and I drove off two blocks. Oh, wow. And while the construction crew was in the U Haul trailer mapping out how to go down into the sewer. Oh, man. So these guys all jump out and I drive three blocks to Sobey's and I parked there and I wait for the cops to get there.

Like I should just ran off, but I didn't. Yeah. So I got arrested that night and I was accused of a bunch of things, which the charges eventually got diverted into property damage over 5, 000 and like operating a vehicle without an owner's consent. Yeah. Now, this is me with an amazing record, no interaction with the police, all of a sudden I start drinking and now I'm a criminal.

I'm just formulating in my mind, Oh my God, I'm a criminal. How am I going to get a job? Like it was scary at the time.  And so I had to go through that whole legal aid system because I didn't want to tell my mom and dad that this happened.  And at the end of the day today, it's not a big deal, like whatever  I was able to.

Get that removed off my record and it's never affected me getting a job because I was always honest about it  I mean theft sounds a lot more harsher than operating a vehicle without an owner's consent Initially, it probably would have been theft. 

 But they. They gave me a hundred hours of community service. They gave me a restitution of 4, 000, I had to pay to  whatever was damaged in the back, I lost my license for a year, but that was fine. 

I was just busting and walking around. But it did put a toll on me, but that did not stop me from drinking and, but it did break me mentally . Cause in a sense that I didn't know how to react to it. And I wasn't a great communicator with elbows, remember?  So I still kept on drinking. I finished my degree program and I started an internship in Toronto at a hospital.

As a clinical dietitian in training, you're dealing with people that  have diabetes and osteoporosis, which is like a  bone density condition.  And we're modifying diets for people based on these conditions. I didn't like it. I'm 22 years old. I'm sitting in front of people that are going through these things and I'm like, this is not what I want to do.

This is like after my schooling is done and now I'm doing the internship. So my mind wasn't in it. I didn't finish the dietitian. I walked away with just a degree, the credential, but I didn't finish the internship. So therefore I never practiced as a licensed clinical dietitian.  Felt like I was going to prison every day.

Yeah. It wasn't for me.

Yeah. Thanks for sharing Izzy. And yeah, it's interesting to hear how you started to drink and how alcohol made some promises to you.  If you use me, I'm going to make you more social. I've seen alcohol make promises to all kinds of people and I can certainly relate to that too.

 It made me feel more social, too, and I was socially awkward as a youngster. But it's also interesting to hear  how alcohol showed you its dark side real early on, too. With those charges but what, should have been maybe a bit of a wake up call early on in your, with your drinking it wasn't enough to deter you from drinking and you continued on. 

Why don't you tell me a little bit more about what happened after that, maybe say ages 22 to 25.  Yeah, definitely.  So now  I leave this internship and I just continue to drink because that's just,  that's the only way I knew how to socialize or just think of things. And so I did move back to British Columbia and this is now 2007, 2008.

And my parents sold the house in Terrace, British Columbia and moved and bought a place just outside of Vancouver Delta, BC where they live today. And a beautiful area and I stayed with them for two years and during that time I did two things. I worked  at a call center for a bank and  it was 2008 during the recession, the housing crisis. 

And  when people couldn't pay, make their, they were delinquent on their credit card payment. So I would call the mob to say, Hey, when can you make your next payment?  And it was routine work, I was good at it, but I couldn't do it without alcohol in my system. So  I would work five hour shifts, downtown Vancouver.

The building didn't say bank or nothing, it was just a call, it was an office building, where one floor was dedicated to this outbound call center, for this bank. And I would work 3 p. m. to about 8, and that way we tackled everyone on the East Coast and then called our way towards B. C. So by the time my shift ended, I was only making calls in my own time zone, 8 o'clock. 

And I would have drinks before. I would take the SkyTrain, which is like a subway equivalent to train system from Delta  to downtown Vancouver. And I would have my mix ready to go. I would have a half a mini half a Mickey before hitting the calls, but then I would take the other half and I would mix it with a Sprite seven up and have it ready to go in the bottle at break.

So that was my break drink. But that's how I justified getting high call volume, how  getting people to pay their delinquent credit card payments.  And I justified it because my numbers were through the roof. See, look at all that self pride back then. And but I hit my targets, but it was routine work.

And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being able to interact with people without someone looking at me in person. But at this point I would say that I'm starting to become fully dependent on alcohol to be social  to anyone at any time, whether it's at work or outside of work.  Because  without booze, I was just silent, and then, with it, I was all of a sudden like social.

So it was like my superhuman, like it was my superpower, the alcohol brought that out of me. And so now  I thought, okay, I better do something else. Like I can't just keep doing this.  I need to go into a different program. Otherwise I'm going to be living with my mom and dad forever. So I don't want to do that.

And so I thought I went into public health and environmental health focus so I can become a public health inspector anywhere in the country. There's a national body that overlooks us and so I went to apply for the program at British Columbia Institute of Technology and I got in because I had another degree.

So meaning that I can go and do two years and I'll be fully licensed  to be a health inspector. And but at the school, Jody,  I got to BCIT, I got into the program, and I'm like, perfect, I can continue to work and I can do this job, I got money coming in, I'm living at home, and I can support me drinking. 

I kid you not, I find a hallway  at BCIT, I had two lockers there. In an area up top where there's no cameras, one locker was all booze. The other locker was books. Yeah. And the one with booze got open hell of a lot more than the one  with books. Yeah.  I was proud of it.

Like I had my spirits up top and my beer at the bottom, my specialty drinks in the middle and I wrote every exam, the two year program, the last year I wrote every exam with shots. Before I had shots and then went in and wrote and I never failed an exam. And so I, I'm not saying I did great on all the exams, but I justified it because, Hey, it's helping me think how else am I supposed to do this?

If I can't connect my thought process  to my writing and to my speaking. And, but who was I fooling? But  it kept on working for me. So I kept on drinking.  And at this point now, my second year  like the last year of that program,  I'm no longer working for the collections agency with the bank there.

I'm working for a  airlines, cargo company. They weren't on the tarmac. They were outside of it. There weren't big enough to be on the tarmac, but  you would get outside the airport gates,  and then you would have a separate warehouse that would take on this cargo. 

And  those shifts were amazing in the evenings because we would just, there was only two of us working and we would have our own party every night. We would drink, pump music, and we would unload and load cargo going out, coming in, going out, coming in, but it would be brought to us outside the perimeter.

So we wouldn't go to the plane. But I really enjoyed that. But at the end of the night I still have to get home and sometimes I would drive and sometimes I would take transit or sometimes I would just  stay out all night and come home early in the morning and then either go to school  or it would be a weekend where I would just sleep in and then repeat the cycle at night and So   so I finished school  I finished environmental health and I get a practicum up in Prince George, British Columbia, which is halfway up the province.

It's about over a hundred thousand people. It's like the Thunder Bay, Ontario of BC,  all the resources, it's still somewhat affordable kind of thing to live in.

And so I'm there for about six months. And afterwards, I finished the practicum and I get hired back in my hometown of Terrace, British Columbia as, a public health inspector.  And that was my last choice. I didn't want to end up there. My parents had moved out.  Why would I want to go back?

My dad sold the house.  So I was already a bit bitter of that and I didn't get the job in Prince George because it went to someone that applied that had 10 years of experience.  Looking back at it now, that's probably what I would have done too if I was hiring. Why would I hire someone fresh out when they don't know anything versus someone that's been in the game for 10 years?

So now I'm at the ages of like 24 to 28, and my drinking being back in my hometown where I didn't want to end up started to escalate. I started drinking on my own a lot, walking around, driving, I'm like, look, I know all the streets in town. Yeah, I can drive. I'm not like I'm hitting the highway. 

So I did a lot of my drinking on my own. And even now, like I didn't fit in really I was trying to seek acceptance, validation and confirmation from people around me and social circles. And I've never, even up to that point, I've never had a fixed group of friends.  But now it's getting to a point where I'm taking a shot to get rid of these tremors in the morning and I need a shot before I go into work, and that's like my early signs of okay, this is really  getting to be a problem. 

So now I'm at between 26 to 28 years of age. Okay. And. I'm seeking friends now, I was always doing this, but it didn't come to my attention until  my last two years of drinking.  So  I was seeking friends that were Punjabi descent or East Indian descent, ethnicity wise, born in Canada, though, like me.

But there were these alpha male figures that had this dominant dominance to them. And now that I look back. I always tried to mold myself into those. Cause I think I was looking for direction from a male figurehead, maybe someone that reminded me of my dad. And so my dad was always there. He did the best he could.

And he did a great job. He provided for this family. And, but I was trying to, fill that void. And he always said, get a job. This isn't really our world. And I didn't know what that meant because he worked in the railway and he knows, how different minority groups might get treated only he knows that what he dealt with going through the railway at an early age But he always said get an edge in society focus on school because you know That's gonna bring you far in life and I didn't really know what that meant when he used to say that But  he also said don't focus on materialistic things because those things never go with you, you know focus on Yourself and spirituality because that stuff can get you through extremely difficult situations in life again Not really understanding what that meant but later in life knowing  and also  Because my parents gave me  one Avenue I was seeking different avenues to survive and  Me being around these alpha male personalities, these dominant, I felt protected, I felt protected in a way that I never did before  and so  my last two years, let's say a year and a half I boozed hard for eight years from 21 to about 28, seven and a half, eight years Okay, my last year and a half before Stopping the drinking.

 There's a few events that really stand out. I remember going to my cousin's wedding in Toronto and I got there a week early. First of all, Indian weddings are already like a week long, but I get there a week in advance for the sole reason that, Hey, I need to secure my booze. 

 I had two different homes. I was bouncing back and forth from.  So I secured booze  inside the room at one of the homes. I secured booze and I had a stash in each of the garages. So there it is. If I go upstairs, I got a supply. If I go into the garage, I got a supply. And then guess what?

I wanted to make sure I had someone's vehicle. Cause I got a bunch of uncles there and. And cousins, and I should be able to snag a vehicle because I flew in, they should be able to give me that. So I always had a stash in the trunk, so no matter where, and so I would do this drinking  before I met with everyone after everyone left, but no one needed to know that.

But who was I fooling? And then I would have drinks in front of them pretending yeah, this is my first drink. Yeah, exactly. Who am I fooling?  But everyone knew also that they saw me in different stages of my life and they knew that drinking, there was something going on with my drinking. 

You know how family can be they may not want to say it cause it's just going to piss me off. And I probably would have just got pissed off and continue to drink anyways. So no one wanted to be in front of that line of fire, so called.  And so I remember at that wedding, looking at photos later and saying, Oh my God, I was there. 

Like I took that photo.  I went for my cousin's wedding and  she's the one getting married. But I remember being in a family photo with on the groom side that I don't know. Yeah. Like photobombing, like what is that? Do you know what I mean? Not even remember it. 

The two weeks went by and I don't know, I don't even remember the wedding. I only remember based on photos I've seen. Just block out, eh? Just two, a two week long residual, and  I remember my sister too my sister got married in 2016. And I was a year sober then, before I get into that.

But she, she told me during my alcohol use that I'm getting married, but she told me five times. And every time she told me, I would look at her and be like, why haven't you told me this? Wow. Yeah. It was like, I was physically present everywhere, but it was talking to a brick wall and this brick wall was never going to respond.

Yep.  It's crazy.  Yeah, it is crazy. And, from a sober perspective now, like I, I know exactly what you mean. Like some of my friends and loved ones are still out there living in active addiction. It's like their physical body is there like you described, but when you look in their eyes and you try and communicate with them they're not there.

And so I completely understand what you mean there Izzy. And yeah, that must've been hard on your sister having to share over and over again about her special day, like going I told you this man, but yeah. Wow.  And that's exactly what happened.

She's she calls me Sonny and she's Sonny, I told you that five times I'm like, and then my response was, you did.  And then what do you say to that? Do you say that? And what is she supposed to say? Oh, you got a problem. Yeah. Do you know?  Like  it, and I think she might've, and I just,  I got pissed off and I went and what did I do?

I went and drank. Sure, yeah. You get defensive 'cause you get called out on your drinking and what do you do to fix that? You go and drink. Yeah, I understand. And that was the thing. And that's, I started doing, that was one example. I started doing so many of these other little things that  definitely flagged that, Hey, I got a problem. 

I'm after work now, and I'm on autopilot, even though I told myself that I'm no longer going to drink anymore. I'm on autopilot going to the liquor store, and before I even know it, I'm already making a transaction for three Mickeys.  And one's already gone before I even  start driving, then I drive home, another one's gone, and then there's one later for the night.

And if it's a weekend I'll go to the liquor store 10 minutes before it closes. Tell me that's not a problem. Yeah. Oh, it totally is. Yeah. And then waking up in the morning and be like, okay, it opens at 10. So I don't want to, only people that are alcoholic get there at five minutes before 10.

Let's wait until 10 30. Do you know what I mean? Is there a difference? No, there's no difference except that, you're trying to justify it to yourself. You're trying to convince yourself that you're not an alcoholic when in fact you absolutely were.  Yeah. And  then I started taking mini vacations I'm like, I want to stop.

I want to stop. I want to stop. But then I would take these weekend getaways  these road trips by myself. But guess what?  I might not drink the first day, but I would drink the other two days and then drive back, and even though I tried to escape everything in that town, that Terrace, BC, where I was working, it wasn't working for me  because I would always just end up defaulting, back to drinking.

I remember the last eight months now before stopping,  I went down to Miami.  And  I was there for a cruise and I remember waking up on a bench at night, like a highway bench, I could have rolled off, the basket weaves of highways. Yeah. Yeah, I was, I could have just easily rolled off. I don't even know how I got there.

And I woke up and I don't know, something saved me that day. Cause I could have easily, I remember car horns, like honking. I remember, again, a few months before I stopped, my, my good friend he owned a convenience store  in Terrace, B. C. And there's a commercial septic tank in the back, but the hole was exposed and I would only go back at night.

And technically it should have been capped and fenced, that area.  I kept on pacing back and forth talking on the phone, but I was drinking, I don't know how I didn't manage to fall into it.  And  it would have taken the morning to find me. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it was more than one occurrence.

I used to do that. So  he eventually, we had it capped off. It's weird, like something kept me alive  and,  work, it got to a point where now work is people at work weren't stupid, they can smell vodka off of me, I would deny and say it was like alcohol sanitizer, who am I fooling,  and I would go home and take a shot, and I only wanted to work because I needed that paycheck every second week to continue to buy more vodka, because that was my choice of drink, and. It got to a point where works like we're, you can't go out anymore and do inspections. You got to stay in this office. So when you get ripped away of your responsibilities, I eventually  said they wanted me to come forward and say I needed help.  They didn't let me go or anything.  I respect them  I always did respect them, but I have more of an appreciation for that organization today because  they gave me a second chance in life. 

I went and got help,  it wasn't cheap. It was the best money I ever spent because  I'm not living paycheck to paycheck and be like, I'm still alive and breathing today. But I went to rehab initially though, in June 8, 2015, I checked myself into rehab. I went to a rehab facility in Nanaimo, British Columbia. 

And I get there and I'll never forget that date because that was the last day my sister picked me up in Vancouver. Cause I flew down from Terrace to Vancouver. She picks me up. I  get her to drive me to get booze. Although the liquor store wasn't open that early because it was early in the morning.

And so I end up having some drinks at the airport. June 8, 2015.  And I have booze at the airport bar because of course they're open early in the morning. And I fly into Nanaimo, which is only like a 45 minute hop from Vancouver to Vancouver Island,  and I get out and  someone from the, a  support staff from the institution, the rehab facility when I say rehab, I also use the terms institution or treatment facility that to me, they're all the same  when I'm using those terms, he comes and picks me up And it's a good 30 minute drive to the facility  and I'm already like loaded.

I'm going into rehab thinking that, hey I'm, this program is going to teach me how to have one drink, 

. Yeah, so you get picked up and you're traveling  to this treatment program. How did it go while you were in that treatment program, AZ?  Yeah. So I went into treatment thinking that finally a program where I'm going to learn how to have wandering.

And, but that wasn't the case, counselors right away put you in shape that it's either it's full abstinence or the rest of your life, and we're going to work on getting there. And what really did treatment for me was like, I needed to know that others close to my age coming from all different walks of life, because there was like millionaires in there.

And then there was like people that were put there by the justice system and the insurance companies. And there's  people from all walks of life and their way of getting in was funded differently.  And so I needed to see that I wasn't the only one in this boat,  plus or minus five years of my age.

And when people started sharing their stories, I was like, wow, we're, we look different, we come from different parts of the country, but  man, that's not too far off than what I'm going through. Yeah. Yeah. I need, I needed to hear that. Yeah. And that's when it was like, okay, wow.

So people gave me that through their voices. I love that.  It's incredible when people share, and to this day I still love that. And even years into my sobriety I I love going to sharing circles and healing circles and spaces where people share because I think that sharing those stories is so beneficial and it sounds like it was definitely beneficial for you while you were in treatment. 

Absolutely. 

It was a structure there that nothing else worked for me.  But then when this started to happen, it worked. So why was I going to now not give this a shot,  in treatment though?  Like I was still an introvert. I'm still an introvert today. I love doing my own thing, but there's a time and place that I have to step out of it so I can stay mentally sane. 

And and when people share what you just said, Jody is.  That is my creator, or my energy, my higher power, whatever people want to call this thing.  Because when people share, I hear something through them that changes me, changes my life,  that I can take away and use. In treatment, I still had a lot of my character defects, like procrastinating, I didn't want to wake up early holding things off, getting frustrated, getting angry, but maybe not expressing it, maybe just keeping it silent.

I had all of these, and I got a rush out of lying to   . And I think a lot of it comes back to maybe my mother,  just downplaying certain things like what do you call them? They're just like white lies. I don't know where that phrase comes from, but it could be as far as like someone opening the door and selling chocolates and my mom saying, just tell them I'm not home.

But it taught me at an early age that  it's okay to do that. And for some reason, when I drank. Lying just seemed believable to me. So I'm just going to go ahead and lie about it.  So  I wanted to make more of a gangster story up while I was in rehab. So I even remember my mindset there, but. 

As I got to know a few people close to me, it all eventually came out.  Today is different. I'm fully aware. So I don't do that today. I always catch myself. I'm like, no, the easiest thing is the fucking truth. Yeah, of course. So just say the truth because that's the answer that comes right here.

Why am I searching for a fake scenario? Be yourself. Yeah. What are you trying to get out of people? Yep.  And that's the beauty when I share, be fully honest on myself when we share our true experiences.  Or when others share, we reflect each other's experiences onto each other. When someone shares, I reflect my experience onto them, and that's when the healing happens, in my opinion.

I agree with you.  So I stayed in treatment for 48 days. That's including  inpatient and outpatient. And inpatient, you're locked into this facility. And then outpatient, you're in these dorms. These apartment complexes on the outside of the premise and you get to work with groups and go out in groups of three into society and work on your triggers, which was cool and I stayed there and then after I met four solid dudes that we got a sober house together, we stayed at a sober house.

So I stayed in, in Nanaimo,  British Columbia, focusing on myself for eight months. In treatment and outside of treatment. And after I had the basic tools to get out there.

That's amazing.  I'm really glad that the treatment worked for you. It sounds like somewhere along the way you committed to the healing process and you were able to really benefit from that that treatment program that you attended.

So you know, now you're, you graduated from this treatment program, you've got some sober time under your belt.  What happened next? It's amazing.   I went up to Terrace, BC to grab my personal belongings. I didn't want to live there because every building, every street.  It could trigger me.

It reminded me of my drinking alone and maybe behaving in a way in society that wasn't ideal.  And so I moved in because of the company I worked for, they had offices all over Northern BC. I ended up getting a job, the same job in Fort St. John, British Columbia,  which  sits closer to the Alberta border, but on the British Columbia side,  more of a flatter terrain  oil and gas environment.

A lot of oil and gas camps at the time. And I remember going up there in my first meeting up there. I remember walking into a a sobriety meeting, let's call it. And I go downstairs and it's this like  dark dungeon of a room. And there's this one light that's flickering above a table.  And then it goes solid.

 But then I take a seat and right away, we're at a round table, like this Jody and there's a bunch of folks there and look, none of them look like me. Majority of them were Caucasian. There's a couple indigenous sitting there too. And then I take a seat and  all of a sudden the micro conversations fade around me.

And  the gentleman next to me looks at me, he's Hey, I thought your people never drank. And I'm like you probably haven't been around enough of my people. Maybe you have to go down to Vancouver, Edmonton, Toronto, Calgary, these major cities in Canada. In fact, if you go to India, there's a billion of us, and booze is really cheap.

You can get 26 ounces, which is a full bottle, pretty much, for a dollar a Canadian. So imagine getting 26, 26 ouncers for 26.  Actually he's someone I frequently talk to today   and that's the beauty when we share at any healthy space is we open our eyes out  to the world and people that might look different,  even though we both grew up in Northern BC, but just different parts of Northern British Columbia. 

But then we realize we're not too far and different from one another, so it's cool to see that transformation happen, not even just in me, but in others around me, especially when they've never really explored outside of that geographical area of the country. 

Yeah, so true. And just proof positive to that alcohol does not discriminate or discern, it has no boundaries and just because A group of people, their cultural belief is not to drink doesn't mean that, that you're safe, alcohol is very conniving and can take over anyone. 

Yeah. During my upbringing and my alcohol use, I was always seeking acceptance, validation and confirmation from people, places and things.  I wanted that. I wanted to fit in.  I learned.  Sobering up that all I need to do is accept, validate, and confirm myself, and I'm okay. I can live anywhere because  I love myself. 

And to me, that's one of the first like steps  in self healing. And I truly believe that regardless of whatever program out there one follows  to stay sober or stay off of their addiction. But by understanding oneself, yourself,  understanding myself and working with that is sustainability. That is what will carry us through anything that we're trying to achieve.

I always ask myself,  Before I speak or before I write, I always ask myself, would I still write this or speak about this topic if  no one was listening? If the answer is no, if I need an audience to validate what I'm saying then I'm in it for all the wrong reasons. I'm doing this because I don't need any of that,  I'm in it because  it's healing for me. 

And if I can give someone out there a message that's going to enhance them or help them make decisions, why would I hold that back? And so I'm not in it for any other reason but myself.

Yeah. That's amazing.  And I only speak for myself, but in my sobriety, I feel like it's also our duty to, to share our stories to recover out loud and share what we've learned and you're right, like different things work for different people, going back to those those meetings and the social settings, I find that like listening to different. Stories and different perspectives and hearing how people themselves got out of their own personal rat race with addiction is just fascinating, because maybe there are things that have worked for other people that I haven't even considered. And that's why I think the sharing aspect of recovery is just so important because, there's always going to be something to learn from somebody else's experience  in hearing how they were able to get out of that rat race of addiction.

I appreciate you sharing that. Now, you've been sober for eight years now, AZ, and maybe you can tell us a little bit about,  this part of your life your sober years.  What's going on?  Yeah, absolutely. I didn't stay in Fort St. John too long.   It's funny, because I bought a house, and I bought a car,  a truck, and I thought that was going to bring me happiness, but   it just makes other people think I'm happy.

But  I wasn't happy. Me walking and exploring the country and being on my feet, interacting with people around the world, that's what enhanced.  And so  I rented out my home in 2018 in Fort St. John, B. C. I'm super grateful and thankful that I still have the same tenants there,  and if they ever do decide to move, I'll probably just sell it.

 And I sold my truck and I moved up to the Arctic, believe it or not, the Canadian Arctic, and I, for two reasons. One, it paid a lot more than what I was making in B. C. But I was also in the right mindset to okay let's try to get ahead, but let's try to help people around me too. And I remember working with some, sobriety meetings up there and working with the locals up there.

And I got a natural high out of it in a sense that if we can communicate and we can help each other, why not keep doing that?  And there's a lot of folks that were coming out of corrections that would go into, and it would be mandatory to go to these meetings. And I would.  Chair them or be part of them and I really got an enhancement out of that, but I went up for public health work and I got to travel all over Nunavut doing that three time zones, 27 communities.

I really enjoyed it and I was there for the pandemic for most of the pandemic working with pandemic messaging.  Answering questions from the public then I left and  I resigned that job back in 2022 and I took time off. But even when I was up there, I started during the pandemic, so many things opened up online  to take comedy classes online and writing classes because venues weren't open around the world.

A lot of these venues switched to online learning.  So since I sobered up I've done things that I never thought I could do. I thought. Only alcohol would allow me to connect my thought process to my vocals and pen to paper but I learned to naturally through repetition to rehab my brain so I can do all that without booze  and so since then I've done like community theater up in the Arctic and where I was lead male for two plays,  which was stunning because I always wanted to do that. 

Yeah. I just didn't know how. And then I've written standup comedy material and I've done that and  I have fun doing that. Yeah. And you're doing these things sober, and this is that, that young man who he wasn't able to do anything without, having drinks before.

And now you're doing all these really amazing things that are social activities sober. I think that's so incredible.  Yeah. And at one point you think you max out in your ability and you just working for public health and terrorist British Columbia, just drinking every day. And then I withdraw that realizing that was my biggest block.

And then the next step was to learn how to do it, do everything without booze.  And  at work there was a point where no one would bring responsibility towards me cause I wasn't trustworthy.  I wasn't showing up to work. And extra long weekends, but now everyone's bombarding me with responsibility.

Yeah. Yeah. And you're ready for it.  We're sitting here working on this podcast. And sky's the limit with this.   I'm just enjoying. It week by week, but I'm excited to see where this is going to go and where this is going to take  our paths,  I can sit here today, though I can, there's so much I've done.

That's just like a snapshot of what I've done being sober. There's so much the list goes on and, me growing up first of all on terrorist BC people, not being able to fit into social circles. Being diagnosed with Trett syndrome, having a speech impediment, drinking every day to almost being like, I don't want to live anymore, let's say,  to going to like.

Treatment,  they're all the best things that's ever happened to me because it's allowed me to be on the path I am today. Yeah.  Yeah. That's amazing. And something else that kind of resonated with me when you were, we're talking there, you took your job.

Working up in, in the Arctic there to pay the bills, but what really was feeding your spirit was work people in recovery, and I can relate to that. It's a work that, that doesn't necessarily pay cash dollars, but it pays us in, in such an amazing different way, to be proactive and  to help in whatever way we can in the recovery community.

I love that work. And  this podcast that we're working on is just another opportunity for us  to reach out and  do some positive work and have a positive impact on people's lives. I'm really excited about it too. And I'm excited about working with you and I'm really excited about bringing some guests on.

We've both had an opportunity now to share our stories, just so our listening audience get to know a little bit about where we came from,  what led us to where we are in our lives now, and what led us specifically to this podcast. But I'm like, I'm pumped about bringing on some other people, where we get a chance to interview them and hear their stories, and hear about their rat race and how they were able to pull themselves out  and live that good life, and yeah, this is just amazing and grateful for the opportunity to work with Yezi.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And goes both ways, thank you, AZ.

As a reminder episodes are released every Thursday on Spotify, apple. Or visit us@ratracepodcast.com. Please feel free to leave us a review. Or follow subscribe to continue joining us on our journey. Thank you so much for listening.

And bye for now.