033: It’s Not Always Them: Lessons from a Blended Family Journey

After navigating her own childhood in the cornfields and overcoming the trials of a blended family, Ashley has committed herself to crafting a harmonious environment for her children. Discover how her journey through the ups and downs of co-parenting has powered not only her determination to cultivate mutual respect within her family unit but also her resolve to document these experiences in an upcoming book. Through Ashley’s candid reflections, we uncover the importance of building a strong, cooperative relationship with all family members, including her husband's ex-wife, and the profound impact of fostering unity.

Dive into the heart of what makes a blended family thrive as Ashley shares her wisdom on maintaining positive relationships, self-acceptance, and personal growth. With a focus on setting realistic expectations and prioritizing the well-being of children, this episode becomes a heartfelt guide for anyone navigating the complexities of blending families. For young women stepping into adulthood, Ashley offers empowering advice to embrace your unique energy and potential with resilience and self-belief. It's a conversation that not only highlights the value of self-love and confidence but also celebrates the journey of becoming a version of oneself to be proud of.

Ashley Reed on LinkedIn:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/ashley-reed-msl-mba-17254228

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📒 The Books Referenced in this Episode: 📒
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The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: 30th Anniversary Edition (The Covey Habits Series) Paperback – Special Edition
https://amzn.to/3VBfzQy

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Guided Journal: (Goals Journal, Self Improvement Book) Paperback
https://amzn.to/3XZ5qQH

The Employee Experience Revolution: Increase Morale, Retain your Workforce, and Drive Business Growth, Hardcover
https://amzn.to/4cEsfNg

Chapters

• 0:07 Childhood and Co-Parenting Challenges
• 7:59 Blending Families and Self-Acceptance
• 15:11 Empowering Advice for Young Women

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

you talked about growing up and you know, um, you know, if I'm supposed to hear 20 years, you're being looked at a little bit different by your. You know your co-workers and and take a little more serious and it says you've proven yourself and earned their trust. Um, how did Ashley grow up?

Speaker 2: 0:23

yeah, I grew up in this. Like middle of a cornfield, I guess, is the best way to describe it.

Speaker 2: 0:31

Okay, I'm trying to picture that Ashley in the middle of a cornfield, okay literally I grew up such a tomboy so my dad didn't get a boy, he got two girls. All right, I'm the oldest and so I did all things. Boy I, you know, I dressed like a boy, I was, I was the one at eight, nine years old. Like taking a tow strap to trees and hooking them to the the mud buggy and yanking them out and split wood and um, yeah, so I.

Speaker 2: 1:06

I mean, I really grew up, like you know, like a tomboy, so doing all kinds of things outdoors and running tractors. Um, funny story, when my dad built his barn, so him and my uncle built this barn and to put up the trusses, I was driving the back with my uncle in the bucket like down down the row. I think it's set trusses and I was like 13.

Speaker 1: 1:39

So they put the life, his life, in the hands of a 13 year old. And, yeah, wow, they put the life, his life in the hands of a 13 year old.

Speaker 2: 1:44

And yeah, wow, it was just a simple, you know, a simple life. You had to drive, you know, 20, 30 minutes to get anywhere, you know. So I rode the school bus with Amish, so we would, you know. I mean, that's how, country out in the country, we were.

Speaker 2: 2:04

So, yeah, it it was, um, it was quiet and we had like a row of like five houses and that was it and all of us had to meet at one point to get on the bus, um, but we all, just, you know, raised chaos in the neighborhood. Um, the typical you. You go outside, you know, by 9 am and you don't come home until someone's mom is yelling through, you know, through down the street of time to go home. And yeah, so that that part, you know, when you look back you can appreciate it. In my really younger years I didn't always live even in a safe place. So until about sixth grade, Tell me more about that.

Speaker 2: 2:54

Yeah, I mean I. I would say it came from divorced parents and my parents separated when I was very young. Divorced parents and my parents separated when I was very young, like six weeks old, like super young. Yeah, so I did. I always, I'm always just known being in like a blended family Right and not everywhere I went with my mom was a safe place for me to be, and so there was a lot of those struggles, just financially, but um, you know, physically and the people that were in our life were not always good people.

Speaker 2: 3:33

Good people, exactly. So at about sixth grade I went and lived with my dad and my stepmom and, um, you know, luckily, she was always treating me like her own. So I was never. You know, luckily, she was always treating me like her own. So I was never, you know, I always had, I was always loved, I was always fed, you know. But we all have a story, we all have some history of you know what influences you in your life, right?

Speaker 2: 3:59

So that's why like being that, you know being a mom and, um, you know, marrying someone who has two children. I was like they're again, they're mine. You know we have three kids, um, and you know I always had two moms who never got along, so you're always in the middle right.

Speaker 2: 4:24

Um, my biological mother moved far away at the age of 12, so I didn't really have her all the time, so it created some complication, you know, growing up, um, especially through your teenage years, when you're trying to like figure out who you are right and all of that. So I promised I was never going to put my kids through that. That's why my husband's ex-wife is my best friend. People think that's crazy, you know.

Speaker 1: 4:54

Yeah, I'm sure.

Speaker 2: 4:56

She is my absolute best friend. We've built that relationship right. We've raised our kids together. For the past 15 years she's allowed me to be that person. For them. There's never been the jealousy or the heartache or the anger. So I am very proud of how we have built the relationship to raise all of our kids as a unit. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 5:26

Well, and as someone from the outside, I mean, so you talk about going. Yeah, I'm going to once again transparent and be honest. I'm like, oh, I always thought it was a little bizarre, but at the same time I commend you, right, because my mind going. I mean, really, I've watched you guys do an amazing job right together and he said, as a unit. And you know, if you eliminate a lot of the bullshit, right, it makes it easier on not only you but the kids and everybody are involved, right, I mean I've watched your children go back and forth between parents do do this thing, and it seems seamless, right, and it eliminates so much drama. And I said, and all the other things that go along with it. And you see, in my own relationships and those of my friends and other family members, and man, yeah, I, I and I said I just think it's pretty damn amazing.

Speaker 2: 6:22

Thank you. I'm going to write a book someday. It's going to be on that, so watch for it.

Speaker 1: 6:27

I'm going to see this happen. Yes, a hundred percent. And then come tell us about that book, right?

Speaker 2: 6:33

So you know what.

Speaker 1: 6:35

At times, I'm sure that it's not always. You know unicorns and rainbows, right. So how do you handle some of those moments specifically?

Speaker 2: 6:46

Yeah, it's, it's normally when both of us think Nick is wrong, no, no.

Speaker 1: 6:51

Nick being your husband, he thinks he's wrong.

Speaker 2: 6:54

Yeah, it's normally when the wife and the ex-wife are getting up on the husband.

Speaker 1: 7:00

Oh my goodness, poor Nick.

Speaker 2: 7:01

No, but honestly, it's gotten to the point where we can just have the, we can have the hard conversations and there's no break in trust, there's no break in love for each other. Right, it's like I need to talk to you about this and it's hard for me to say it like just prefacing with that, I'm like, ok, this is what's going on with this kid and I'm worried. Or I, you know, I want to make sure we, you know, talk about this before we go on this vacation. Or, you know, it's really just planning and communicating, even when it's just hard.

Speaker 1: 7:40

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 7:42

And I think that's a lot of said. Build some respect for each other, you know, and I think that's a lot of said. Build some respect for each other, you know. So I mean, the kids are grown. They're 23 and 25 now. Right, they're starting to build their own lives. At this point you would think we wouldn't really have to interact that much, but, you know, the four of us just last week were on the boat cruising together, you know, enjoying each other and just hanging out. So we've, in my opinion, the hard part is over because the kids are, they're men, and if they're making a mistake that's on them. It's like it's a little bit easier now. We're like, well, yeah, well, welcome to adulthood son. But to be fair, our youngest so mine and Nick's, you know being that he's, you know, 16, you know she's his bonus mom too, right, so, you know, she still contributes to raising him.

Speaker 2: 8:44

She has no obligation to that Right to raising him. She has no obligation to that right. Um, so it's. It's not even just about the two of them, the two boys, it's about all three of them. And and really just building that, that unit, that united front for them okay, no, that's awesome.

Speaker 1: 9:02

so if you were to advise someone getting into, say, maybe a, maybe a new relationship right, and maybe obviously you're talking about blending families, doing these things what's one of those things that you would, I guess, suggest they consider to try to have the success that you've had right, by trying to make this a positive experience.

Speaker 2: 9:26

It's not always the other person. That's what I would. Positive experience it's not always the other person. That's what I would say. You know, we've heard people say it. Well, I would be like that, except, or I can't do that because of them. No, I, I don't, I don't, I don't trust that response like it has to be. It's hard, it takes a lot of effort, right, it has to response Like it has to be as hard.

Speaker 2: 9:47

It takes a lot of effort right, it has to be mutual and it has to. You have to put in just as much effort and you can't base your decisions and your behaviors off of what other people choose to do. Right, so you need to choose. Okay, this is, you know, this is something you feel strongly about and you believe in it. Then you need to make your choices based on your own values. So yeah, and if you're the, I guess, to kind of bounce off of that question, if you are the person joining in, which is me, like I was on the outside coming into a pre-made family.

Speaker 2: 10:24

Which was me like I was on the outside coming into a pre-made family, Right, I was very fortunate that my now husband said you have to get along with my ex Like it was a priority to him as well, like you know, we're doing this together. She's a part of their life and that really kind of set a foundation. Right, you have to. You know you have to want to do good by your children.

Speaker 1: 10:49

At the end of the day, no, that's, that's great Cause I, you know, I mean obviously the relationships I've been in and that's not how things are. And you know, I mean, you always feel like an outsider or not involved and don't know what's going on and things are kept separate and it's just. It's just.

Speaker 2: 11:06

It can be hard.

Speaker 1: 11:06

don't know what's going on and things are kept separate and it's just, it's just hard and hard right, Like, yeah, Very cool. So, in, you know, shifting a little bit here, I'm I'm really kind of curious. You know, you're always this person that I see as being positive and bubbly, and you know, go go get her and goal setter and your lists and all these things. Goal setter and your lists and all these things, yeah, I mean, what do you? What do you feel is your biggest downfall?

Speaker 2: 11:33

Oh, I'm an emotional person.

Speaker 1: 11:35

Emotions Okay.

Speaker 2: 11:38

I am emotional and I get in my head a lot, and so and I my struggle with myself is enough is never enough.

Speaker 2: 11:47

I'm getting better at it. I will be honest, I am getting better at it. But like, if like, okay, I did that, what's next? Like I don't. I'm really starting to try to take time to celebrate the small wins in life, as you you know, just take a minute, it doesn't have to be that big of a deal Rather than just be like, okay, I can scratch it off the list right, moving on, moving on, and uh, I have to just give myself a minute to be like sis, you did it, um, so that that's definitely it. I do, do I? I? I can set unrealistic expectations for myself and for others sometimes and I've, but having the self realization of that, I can draw myself back in like okay.

Speaker 2: 12:42

I'm self aware. I know this is a problem, I have so let me figure out how to deal with it. But you might just have to give me a minute to figure it out. But yeah, it's. I had someone tell me one time and I completed this big project Right, and so I don't know if you know this, but I was the one HR person who?

Speaker 2: 13:05

opened up a brand new distribution center like hiring 400 people, and it was I mean and finishing my master's and getting married all within like the same, like 30 days of opening and it was a lot but, I, got everything, like I didn't miss anything.

Speaker 2: 13:24

You know my dissertation was done. You know I'm like. And then someone they're like you did an amazing job conquering all of this and all I started doing was listing off all the things I did not get done. And she looks at me and she says, ashley, take the compliment. You know I'm like. Oh, thank you. You know what I'm like? Oh, thank you, you know what I mean so sometimes I have to hear her uh say that to me even now, and it's been like 10 years ago, you know.

Speaker 1: 14:00

Yeah, I I'm going to say that I can relate to that comment you just made and that's really because, to this day, I swear one of my biggest struggles is I you talk about take the compliment instantly. If you say something like that positive, I instantly reflect on a lot of things that I could have done better or I didn't get done or I should have done. And it's hard to sit there and say okay, just accept, say thank you, even though I may be, you know like there and say okay, just accept, say thank you, even though I may be, you know like, just like stop just say thank you, yes, and, but then trying to connect that inside too and really accept that right, that's the harder thing I agree with you.

Speaker 2: 14:40

I know the struggle. It's real, I get it, I get. But now, the next time someone compliments you, I just want you to say thank you and see how it feels, and then tell me, because it really works, thank you, move on right.

Speaker 1: 14:56

Like on the inside you're going, but you know, yeah for sure. Yeah, Well, ashley, I there's something else I guess I'm going to ask you is and really it comes down to you were that you said that 16 year old that never thought you'd be? You know, in the position you are today, that you were that 20 year old single mother busting your ass trying to get that education, you know, working at or going to school at night, working the day, doing these things of the day, doing these things. What would be, maybe the one or two bits of wisdom and advice you'd wanna give to a young woman out there today, that 16 to 20 year old doing that young woman in regards to their life and their career path? What is that thing? What are those few things?

Speaker 2: 15:48

I'm going to tell you the thing I have written in my notebook that I read to myself every day. I know it sounds corny, but it's. I'm not going to dim my light just to keep you from squinting your eyes. And so I wrote that to myself, like two years ago, and I have it in my little daily binder that I carry everywhere.

Speaker 2: 16:11

My HR Bible Right and I have it in my little daily binder that I carry everywhere, my HR Bible, right, and sometimes you just need that reminder that you will never have 100% acceptance and you don't want it. So, but that does. I'm not going to, my energy is not for everybody and I've learned that. But just allow yourself to figure out who you are. Your relationship with yourself is going to be the most important relationship you have in your entire life. So learn to love yourself, trust yourself, you know, build confidence in yourself because you can do hard things right. I know I've already said that, but I truly believe it is. You have to have a good relationship with yourself so that everything else that happens in life you, you can depend on it, right, um, and it just, it helps. It helps in every aspect of your life when you, when you love you and create a version of yourself that you can be proud of. That's what I would tell her Hi.

Speaker 1: 17:22

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