{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":0.5,"endTime":3.125,"body":"Coming up on the Leadership Growth Podcast."},{"startTime":0.5,"endTime":3.125,"body":"(upbeat music)"},{"startTime":4.041,"endTime":6.041,"body":"There is a pattern of behavior"},{"startTime":6.041,"endTime":8.125,"body":"that drives me crazy in sitcoms,"},{"startTime":8.125,"endTime":10.916,"body":"and so many of them are based all around this,"},{"startTime":10.916,"endTime":15.333,"body":"and it is the absence of clear communication."},{"startTime":17.041,"endTime":19.708,"body":"All they have to do is take the main character"},{"startTime":19.708,"endTime":22.416,"body":"and the kid or the wife,"},{"startTime":22.416,"endTime":24.625,"body":"and suddenly they don't communicate"},{"startTime":24.625,"endTime":27.583,"body":"or they avoid communicating or there's a misperception"},{"startTime":27.583,"endTime":30.458,"body":"and they could have cleared it up earlier, but they don't."},{"startTime":31.0,"endTime":35.208,"body":"So they can then have 15 or 20 or 50 minutes"},{"startTime":35.208,"endTime":37.458,"body":"worth of hijinks and confusion,"},{"startTime":37.458,"endTime":39.041,"body":"and then finally at the end,"},{"startTime":39.041,"endTime":41.125,"body":"they have the conversation that they could have had"},{"startTime":41.125,"endTime":41.916,"body":"a half hour ago."},{"startTime":42.5,"endTime":44.208,"body":"And I'm sitting there going,"},{"startTime":44.208,"endTime":46.291,"body":"this is not even, this is not clever."},{"startTime":46.875,"endTime":47.458,"body":"(laughing)"},{"startTime":47.791,"endTime":49.083,"body":"It's a personal thing."},{"startTime":50.083,"endTime":53.583,"body":"Nonetheless, the point is to talk."},{"startTime":54.666,"endTime":58.125,"body":"Like, if you are in conflict,"},{"startTime":58.125,"endTime":60.291,"body":"if you are not understanding something,"},{"startTime":60.291,"endTime":62.666,"body":"if you think there might be a misperception,"},{"startTime":62.666,"endTime":66.541,"body":"if you have the stinking conversation."},{"startTime":67.208,"endTime":70.916,"body":"Have the direct— interact, start small,"},{"startTime":70.916,"endTime":74.041,"body":"before it gets even bigger, but talk."},{"startTime":74.708,"endTime":77.875,"body":"Go to the person and say, I need your guidance,"},{"startTime":77.875,"endTime":80.375,"body":"I need your thoughts, I need your input,"},{"startTime":80.375,"endTime":83.083,"body":"I need to hear something to confirm"},{"startTime":83.083,"endTime":85.666,"body":"or to help me change, to reframe."},{"startTime":86.541,"endTime":88.583,"body":"Yes, it takes a little bit of time,"},{"startTime":88.583,"endTime":91.125,"body":"but somehow we always have time after"},{"startTime":91.125,"endTime":93.916,"body":"to go through all of the drama of things"},{"startTime":93.916,"endTime":96.458,"body":"that probably could have been dealt with beforehand."},{"startTime":97.208,"endTime":99.166,"body":"Now, we're busy, I get it."},{"startTime":99.458,"endTime":101.041,"body":"However, how do we talk?"},{"startTime":101.833,"endTime":103.666,"body":"How often can we talk?"},{"startTime":103.666,"endTime":105.833,"body":"Hence, the importance of the regular"},{"startTime":105.833,"endTime":110.125,"body":"one-on-one conversations, the touch bases,"},{"startTime":110.125,"endTime":111.166,"body":"the regular interaction."},{"startTime":111.25,"endTime":115.291,"body":"If you only use email, pause, call up the phone,"},{"startTime":115.291,"endTime":117.541,"body":"have a Teams call, something."},{"startTime":118.375,"endTime":120.916,"body":"But the point is to talk, talk, talk,"},{"startTime":120.916,"endTime":123.333,"body":"and not to let things fester"},{"startTime":123.333,"endTime":125.041,"body":"and these misperceptions grow."},{"startTime":125.583,"endTime":133.291,"body":"(upbeat music)"},{"startTime":134.083,"endTime":137.958,"body":"Hey everyone, welcome to the Leadership Growth Podcast,"},{"startTime":137.958,"endTime":139.666,"body":"where we talk about tools and ideas"},{"startTime":139.666,"endTime":142.166,"body":"to help you grow your leadership ability."},{"startTime":142.5,"endTime":144.5,"body":"I'm your host, Daniel Stewart,"},{"startTime":144.5,"endTime":146.916,"body":"joined with my brother, Peter Stewart,"},{"startTime":146.916,"endTime":148.916,"body":"and we will be your guides today"},{"startTime":148.916,"endTime":151.458,"body":"as we dive into another great episode,"},{"startTime":151.458,"endTime":155.958,"body":"especially today as we talk through managing conflict,"},{"startTime":155.958,"endTime":159.125,"body":"really navigating conflict as a leader."},{"startTime":160.041,"endTime":161.75,"body":"But before we do that, Peter,"},{"startTime":161.75,"endTime":164.291,"body":"as we often dive into at the beginning,"},{"startTime":164.291,"endTime":167.125,"body":"we kind of share an Insight of the Week."},{"startTime":167.375,"endTime":171.25,"body":"(upbeat music)"},{"startTime":171.583,"endTime":174.75,"body":"What's on your mind that you'd like to share here?"},{"startTime":175.583,"endTime":177.5,"body":"- Sure, let me share an insight"},{"startTime":177.5,"endTime":180.833,"body":"from one of my boys, Little League coaches."},{"startTime":181.916,"endTime":187.208,"body":"So they had a pretty tough loss the other day, blowout."},{"startTime":187.708,"endTime":190.125,"body":"And we get this text from the coach."},{"startTime":190.375,"endTime":193.791,"body":"And I thought it just captured a lot of really good points"},{"startTime":193.791,"endTime":195.625,"body":"that are applicable to a lot of scenarios."},{"startTime":196.125,"endTime":197.416,"body":"So here's what the coach said."},{"startTime":198.208,"endTime":199.541,"body":"Said, \"Tough loss tonight.”"},{"startTime":200.291,"endTime":202.166,"body":"\"Put ourselves in a hole early.”"},{"startTime":203.0,"endTime":205.291,"body":"\"Baseball is a game of inches and bounces.”"},{"startTime":205.666,"endTime":208.5,"body":"“And honestly, one or two of those go our way,”"},{"startTime":208.5,"endTime":209.791,"body":"“the game is completely different.”"},{"startTime":210.541,"endTime":212.708,"body":"“As strange as it may seem after a loss,”"},{"startTime":212.708,"endTime":215.291,"body":"“I will say I'm very proud of this team as a whole.”"},{"startTime":216.166,"endTime":218.791,"body":"“Every boy on this team hustled and never gave up.”"},{"startTime":219.541,"endTime":222.125,"body":"“Everyone contributed and kept fighting until the end.”"},{"startTime":222.833,"endTime":225.416,"body":"“As coaches, that's all we can really ask for.”"},{"startTime":226.083,"endTime":228.791,"body":"“We preach to the boys that mistakes are going to happen.”"},{"startTime":229.416,"endTime":232.291,"body":"“It's how you get past those mistakes and move on,”"},{"startTime":232.291,"endTime":234.375,"body":"“which will define them as players”"},{"startTime":234.375,"endTime":236.25,"body":"“for the rest of their baseball careers.”"},{"startTime":237.083,"endTime":239.0,"body":"“I think they did very well in that tonight.”"},{"startTime":241.75,"endTime":244.666,"body":"So I thought, here it is, tough loss."},{"startTime":245.458,"endTime":247.416,"body":"Boys played hard, but the coach was trying"},{"startTime":247.458,"endTime":248.75,"body":"to put things into perspective."},{"startTime":249.708,"endTime":253.583,"body":"They put forth good effort, they hustled, they tried."},{"startTime":254.166,"endTime":255.541,"body":"Can they learn from these mistakes?"},{"startTime":257.0,"endTime":259.291,"body":"And it's a learning opportunity for the next game."},{"startTime":260.0,"endTime":260.25,"body":"- Yeah."},{"startTime":261.875,"endTime":266.666,"body":"That's a touching and well-described little message."},{"startTime":266.833,"endTime":270.666,"body":"And we'll touch upon this learning opportunity later."},{"startTime":271.416,"endTime":273.291,"body":"That's such a great theme in general."},{"startTime":274.041,"endTime":277.0,"body":"And you know it just reminds me of, what is it?"},{"startTime":277.416,"endTime":278.583,"body":"Baseball Hall of Fame."},{"startTime":278.916,"endTime":283.458,"body":"You know, if you get above 300, then you're amazing."},{"startTime":283.666,"endTime":286.791,"body":"And that essentially means you strike out."},{"startTime":286.958,"endTime":292.75,"body":"You are unable to be successful two-thirds of the time."},{"startTime":293.416,"endTime":296.375,"body":"And when you start thinking about it like that,"},{"startTime":296.375,"endTime":298.666,"body":"I mean, in some ways that's pathetic."},{"startTime":299.166,"endTime":299.75,"body":"(laughing)"},{"startTime":299.75,"endTime":302.166,"body":"However, that's reality."},{"startTime":303.041,"endTime":306.916,"body":"And for people who can go from 200 to 300,"},{"startTime":306.916,"endTime":309.958,"body":"that's, I mean, that's beginning to be signs of greatness."},{"startTime":310.583,"endTime":311.375,"body":"- Oh, it's huge."},{"startTime":311.958,"endTime":318.333,"body":"Ted Williams, a long time baseball amazing player,"},{"startTime":318.333,"endTime":321.625,"body":"record for batting average in a season, he was over 400."},{"startTime":322.75,"endTime":325.958,"body":"- Last one to do that. - But still 60% of the time,"},{"startTime":325.958,"endTime":329.5,"body":"he wasn't getting on base or getting a hit."},{"startTime":330.125,"endTime":331.125,"body":"- Yeah. - Yeah."},{"startTime":331.416,"endTime":333.208,"body":"And that's what's interesting, I think baseball,"},{"startTime":333.208,"endTime":335.416,"body":"and there are other sports that way as well,"},{"startTime":335.416,"endTime":336.791,"body":"it's a spotlight sport."},{"startTime":338.583,"endTime":343.458,"body":"Meaning the action is focused on a single player at a time."},{"startTime":343.916,"endTime":344.833,"body":"It's on that batter."},{"startTime":346.416,"endTime":349.166,"body":"And so how do you perform when all eyes are on you?"},{"startTime":349.958,"endTime":350.5,"body":"-Mm hmm."},{"startTime":350.5,"endTime":353.583,"body":"Recognizing there's gonna be a lot of very public failure."},{"startTime":355.666,"endTime":356.958,"body":"And so there's lessons to be learned."},{"startTime":357.041,"endTime":359.0,"body":"There are scenarios in the professional world"},{"startTime":359.0,"endTime":359.791,"body":"where it's a spotlight."},{"startTime":360.708,"endTime":360.875,"body":"- Yeah."},{"startTime":361.375,"endTime":362.708,"body":"- Everyone's eyes are on you."},{"startTime":364.208,"endTime":366.333,"body":"Not every hit is gonna be a home run."},{"startTime":367.25,"endTime":368.458,"body":"And there are times you swing and miss."},{"startTime":370.75,"endTime":372.083,"body":"- You know, it also reminds me,"},{"startTime":372.083,"endTime":375.5,"body":"I was just meeting with an executive leadership team"},{"startTime":375.5,"endTime":376.166,"body":"earlier this week,"},{"startTime":376.166,"endTime":378.708,"body":"and we were talking about decision-making traps."},{"startTime":379.75,"endTime":383.125,"body":"And one of those traps is the recency effect."},{"startTime":384.583,"endTime":387.333,"body":"And that recency effect can be so powerful."},{"startTime":387.541,"endTime":392.208,"body":"And when you think about having very high expectations"},{"startTime":392.208,"endTime":395.666,"body":"for somebody on your team, which yes, that's what we preach."},{"startTime":395.791,"endTime":396.583,"body":"We want to have that."},{"startTime":397.125,"endTime":400.75,"body":"The challenge is giving some grace, some guidance,"},{"startTime":400.75,"endTime":404.333,"body":"some space for learning, because not everyone"},{"startTime":404.333,"endTime":410.083,"body":"is going to hit it out of the park every single time, to continue the baseball metaphor."},{"startTime":410.833,"endTime":417.666,"body":"And yet, the most recent experience can often anchor us so much."},{"startTime":418.75,"endTime":421.708,"body":"And that's how we view that person."},{"startTime":422.375,"endTime":426.708,"body":"Instead of sitting back and saying, wait a minute, let's look at the bigger context."},{"startTime":427.375,"endTime":429.458,"body":"Let's look at the bigger performance."},{"startTime":430.166,"endTime":433.75,"body":"That previous was a blip or it was a learning experience."},{"startTime":434.041,"endTime":434.791,"body":"Let's keep going."},{"startTime":435.083,"endTime":439.541,"body":"Now, if it turns into a pattern, that's different, but let's allow"},{"startTime":439.541,"endTime":442.791,"body":"people the chance to strike out."},{"startTime":443.833,"endTime":449.375,"body":"Let's allow them a chance to try to get on base and then for them to keep"},{"startTime":449.375,"endTime":454.541,"body":"learning and growing as long as there's some level of progress in that effort."},{"startTime":455.541,"endTime":457.75,"body":"Yeah, you keep trying, you learn from the mistakes."},{"startTime":458.291,"endTime":462.166,"body":"And to play on the other bias that can get in the way in terms of recency effect,"},{"startTime":462.166,"endTime":464.708,"body":"the other would be the halo effect,"},{"startTime":464.708,"endTime":468.25,"body":"in which we perceive that somebody is really good"},{"startTime":468.25,"endTime":473.166,"body":"at a variety of activities because they excel at one or two."},{"startTime":474.416,"endTime":478.25,"body":"And so it can cloud our judgment and assumptions"},{"startTime":478.25,"endTime":479.25,"body":"of how they're going to do."},{"startTime":479.25,"endTime":482.0,"body":"And so we don't get into that critical eye"},{"startTime":482.0,"endTime":484.666,"body":"and really see how their performance is."},{"startTime":485.291,"endTime":485.5,"body":"- Right."},{"startTime":486.083,"endTime":488.666,"body":"- And so it's, yeah, there's that constant being able"},{"startTime":488.666,"endTime":491.625,"body":"to reflect on our assumptions,"},{"startTime":491.625,"endTime":494.041,"body":"say, are we really seeing things clearly?"},{"startTime":495.708,"endTime":497.791,"body":"And looking at it from that development mindset,"},{"startTime":497.791,"endTime":498.5,"body":"that growth mindset."},{"startTime":500.416,"endTime":502.833,"body":"- Yeah, and that's a fantastic segue"},{"startTime":502.833,"endTime":506.708,"body":"onto the main topic here today, navigating conflict."},{"startTime":507.625,"endTime":509.666,"body":"How do we view conflict accurately?"},{"startTime":510.458,"endTime":511.541,"body":"What do we do with it?"},{"startTime":512.041,"endTime":513.791,"body":"How much of it do we encourage?"},{"startTime":514.333,"endTime":515.75,"body":"How much of it is too much?"},{"startTime":516.416,"endTime":518.833,"body":"And there are some of us who try to stay away"},{"startTime":518.833,"endTime":521.416,"body":"from conflict as much as we can,"},{"startTime":521.416,"endTime":523.333,"body":"and there are others who like live for it"},{"startTime":523.333,"endTime":527.166,"body":"and try to stir it up when even it's not as necessary."},{"startTime":527.916,"endTime":528.916,"body":"Where's that balance?"},{"startTime":529.583,"endTime":532.208,"body":"What does that look like, especially as a leader?"},{"startTime":532.75,"endTime":536.25,"body":"'Cause to a certain degree, a healthy amount of conflict,"},{"startTime":536.25,"endTime":542.0,"body":"disagreement, dispute, debate is incredibly powerful"},{"startTime":542.0,"endTime":544.958,"body":"as a tool toward higher levels of performance."},{"startTime":545.833,"endTime":550.625,"body":"So Peter, as I say conflict,"},{"startTime":550.625,"endTime":552.958,"body":"talk about how do you define it?"},{"startTime":553.375,"endTime":554.375,"body":"How do you view it?"},{"startTime":554.458,"endTime":557.083,"body":"What is conflict in your mind?"},{"startTime":558.041,"endTime":559.583,"body":"- Oh, it can mean a lot of things."},{"startTime":560.416,"endTime":563.375,"body":"And I think actually before I get into the definition,"},{"startTime":563.375,"endTime":565.708,"body":"it's a good thing for listeners to pause."},{"startTime":566.416,"endTime":569.166,"body":"And as we say that word conflict,"},{"startTime":569.166,"endTime":572.5,"body":"what are those free associations that come to mind for you?"},{"startTime":573.5,"endTime":576.791,"body":"You know, it's a great way to help know your natural tendency."},{"startTime":577.625,"endTime":580.375,"body":"As we say conflict, are you like, oh yeah, bring it on."},{"startTime":581.083,"endTime":584.041,"body":"Or is it, oh, I don't wanna go into work today."},{"startTime":584.833,"endTime":587.083,"body":"I know I'm gonna see this person have it."},{"startTime":587.5,"endTime":589.625,"body":"And, you know, the whole full spectrum in between."},{"startTime":590.75,"endTime":592.458,"body":"So having a little bit of that awareness"},{"startTime":592.458,"endTime":594.291,"body":"for ourself can matter."},{"startTime":595.166,"endTime":599.833,"body":"So here, because conflict can be so loaded with emotion"},{"startTime":599.833,"endTime":603.5,"body":"and a focus on who's right, who's wrong,"},{"startTime":603.5,"endTime":606.958,"body":"it's a status, it's a progression,"},{"startTime":606.958,"endTime":608.625,"body":"there's a lot that can go into it."},{"startTime":609.333,"endTime":613.458,"body":"Here is a very neutral definition of conflict"},{"startTime":613.458,"endTime":616.041,"body":"which I've used for years."},{"startTime":616.041,"endTime":619.041,"body":"and it clarifies that environment"},{"startTime":619.041,"endTime":621.291,"body":"in which conflict actually occurs."},{"startTime":622.0,"endTime":629.125,"body":"So conflict occurs when opinions appear to be incompatible."},{"startTime":630.875,"endTime":631.916,"body":"So let me say that again."},{"startTime":632.833,"endTime":638.833,"body":"Conflict occurs when opinions appear to be incompatible."},{"startTime":640.041,"endTime":643.375,"body":"So it doesn't mean whether they actually are or not."},{"startTime":644.708,"endTime":646.791,"body":"We're talking about the perception,"},{"startTime":646.791,"endTime":651.125,"body":"the appearance of opinions that cannot dwell"},{"startTime":651.125,"endTime":653.041,"body":"in the same place at the same time."},{"startTime":653.583,"endTime":654.5,"body":"They're incompatible."},{"startTime":654.916,"endTime":657.208,"body":"So it takes it away from I'm right or I'm wrong"},{"startTime":657.208,"endTime":659.333,"body":"or you idiot or whatever it is to,"},{"startTime":659.333,"endTime":663.625,"body":"oh, it appears that we have incompatible opinions."},{"startTime":664.583,"endTime":665.875,"body":"Can we talk about this?"},{"startTime":665.875,"endTime":666.75,"body":"(laughing)"},{"startTime":666.75,"endTime":671.041,"body":"At a very formal way,"},{"startTime":671.041,"endTime":672.791,"body":"pulling the emotion out."},{"startTime":672.791,"endTime":674.583,"body":"(laughing)"},{"startTime":674.583,"endTime":674.75,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":676.0,"endTime":678.625,"body":"How would you respond if someone came to you and said,"},{"startTime":678.625,"endTime":681.916,"body":"\"Daniel, it appears that we have incompatible opinions.”"},{"startTime":682.291,"endTime":684.458,"body":"I'd be like, \"Have you been talking to my brother?\""},{"startTime":686.333,"endTime":688.708,"body":"I mean, because the essence is correct."},{"startTime":689.25,"endTime":690.583,"body":"We don't talk like that."},{"startTime":691.0,"endTime":694.208,"body":"And so, what's other language that we can use?"},{"startTime":694.416,"endTime":699.25,"body":"Because in many ways, it's an invitation, and this is one of the main initial points"},{"startTime":699.25,"endTime":701.708,"body":"I wanted to really highlight is"},{"startTime":701.708,"endTime":707.5,"body":"for us to look at moments of conflict as learning experiences"},{"startTime":707.5,"endTime":713.5,"body":"and kind of drawing on this idea of learning as we talked about earlier with the baseball,"},{"startTime":713.5,"endTime":716.666,"body":"text and such, when moments of conflict,"},{"startTime":716.666,"endTime":722.625,"body":"when we appear to be in opposition or indifference"},{"startTime":722.625,"endTime":725.166,"body":"from somebody else or something else."},{"startTime":726.5,"endTime":731.208,"body":"Are we capable of pausing for a moment and saying,"},{"startTime":731.208,"endTime":735.208,"body":"what can I learn about this situation? What insight?"},{"startTime":735.583,"endTime":737.166,"body":"What can I learn about my psyche,"},{"startTime":737.166,"endTime":740.625,"body":"my perspective, my effort, my desire?"},{"startTime":740.625,"endTime":742.833,"body":"What's my outcome that I'm hoping for?"},{"startTime":742.833,"endTime":744.125,"body":"And what's the other persons?"},{"startTime":744.458,"endTime":746.25,"body":"Are they clear about it? What are they—"},{"startTime":746.25,"endTime":748.708,"body":"Do I care enough about it"},{"startTime":748.708,"endTime":752.0,"body":"to spend a moment and to say, what can I learn?"},{"startTime":752.375,"endTime":757.583,"body":"But the point is to have that, huh, what can I learn here?"},{"startTime":757.875,"endTime":763.75,"body":"What can I learn about you, me, us, the situation that might be helpful in the future?"},{"startTime":764.25,"endTime":765.0,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":765.291,"endTime":770.958,"body":"It's that ability to pause and suspend judgment and invite curiosity."},{"startTime":772.25,"endTime":774.458,"body":"In which questions then can be asked of,"},{"startTime":774.458,"endTime":779.291,"body":"all right, I'm not sure whether or not I agree with what you're saying."},{"startTime":779.875,"endTime":782.291,"body":"It may be in conflict to what I think,"},{"startTime":782.291,"endTime":785.25,"body":"but I wanna understand what you're saying."},{"startTime":786.5,"endTime":790.041,"body":"Share with me more about what some of the reasoning"},{"startTime":790.041,"endTime":794.333,"body":"behind your assertion, your thought, your fact."},{"startTime":795.208,"endTime":797.541,"body":"I had one CEO who would use the phrase"},{"startTime":797.541,"endTime":800.25,"body":"coming from more of a technical world,"},{"startTime":800.25,"endTime":802.708,"body":"\"Let me come and swim in your data lake.\""},{"startTime":802.75,"endTime":803.666,"body":"(laughing)"},{"startTime":803.666,"endTime":807.375,"body":"I wanna know what's the pool of information"},{"startTime":807.375,"endTime":810.583,"body":"that you are basing your conclusion off of."},{"startTime":811.083,"endTime":812.041,"body":"Will you let me in?"},{"startTime":812.916,"endTime":814.75,"body":"- So let's stay with this,"},{"startTime":814.75,"endTime":818.083,"body":"'cause this is another key theme, not only learning,"},{"startTime":818.083,"endTime":821.875,"body":"but it's coupled closely with a willingness to listen"},{"startTime":821.875,"endTime":823.458,"body":"to the other person."},{"startTime":824.208,"endTime":828.5,"body":"That can be dang hard in the moment"},{"startTime":828.5,"endTime":830.583,"body":"when you're emotionally triggered"},{"startTime":830.583,"endTime":832.416,"body":"and/or you believe you are right,"},{"startTime":832.416,"endTime":835.166,"body":"the other person is off their rocker, they're nuts."},{"startTime":835.5,"endTime":840.041,"body":"Whatever it is, as emotions can quickly escalate,"},{"startTime":840.041,"endTime":842.583,"body":"and yet one of the most important parts"},{"startTime":842.583,"endTime":847.833,"body":"of navigating conflict in a healthy way is to listen,"},{"startTime":847.833,"endTime":851.458,"body":"is to pause long enough, is to ask something"},{"startTime":851.458,"endTime":852.625,"body":"to help me understand."},{"startTime":853.375,"endTime":854.166,"body":"Where are you coming from?"},{"startTime":854.875,"endTime":856.25,"body":"How has this worked in the past?"},{"startTime":856.916,"endTime":859.625,"body":"How does this sequence... play it out?"},{"startTime":860.625,"endTime":864.958,"body":"How do you listen in moments that are just"},{"startTime":864.958,"endTime":869.041,"body":"really much larger than they might need to be."},{"startTime":870.416,"endTime":872.708,"body":"- Yeah, oh, it is one of the hardest things."},{"startTime":873.166,"endTime":875.208,"body":"It pulls in, you have to have a little bit"},{"startTime":875.208,"endTime":877.791,"body":"of emotional intelligence to recognize"},{"startTime":877.791,"endTime":879.25,"body":"your own emotional experience."},{"startTime":880.0,"endTime":881.583,"body":"And am I too amped up?"},{"startTime":882.208,"endTime":885.916,"body":"Am I too emotional to really have this conversation?"},{"startTime":886.416,"endTime":886.583,"body":"- Yeah."},{"startTime":887.041,"endTime":889.375,"body":"- Sometimes we do need to take a time out,"},{"startTime":889.375,"endTime":892.5,"body":"say, I want us to get to the bottom of this."},{"startTime":892.5,"endTime":894.166,"body":"I want to understand what you're doing,"},{"startTime":894.166,"endTime":896.333,"body":"but right now I gotta take a breather."},{"startTime":897.375,"endTime":898.416,"body":"You know, I need a pause."},{"startTime":898.75,"endTime":902.791,"body":"I gotta get my amygdala, the front part, you know,"},{"startTime":902.791,"endTime":905.083,"body":"get our front part of my brain active again"},{"startTime":905.083,"endTime":906.416,"body":"as the amygdala is hijacked."},{"startTime":906.791,"endTime":909.625,"body":"I've just become too emotionally aroused and intense"},{"startTime":909.625,"endTime":910.916,"body":"and into this."},{"startTime":912.208,"endTime":913.291,"body":"So that's one step."},{"startTime":913.416,"endTime":914.666,"body":"It's being aware of,"},{"startTime":914.666,"endTime":916.916,"body":"can you really have a good rational thought right now?"},{"startTime":916.916,"endTime":920.958,"body":"If you can't, conflict management, resolution, conversation,"},{"startTime":920.958,"endTime":923.958,"body":"there isn't much good that's going to come right now."},{"startTime":924.75,"endTime":927.875,"body":"Or if you sense that in somebody else,"},{"startTime":927.875,"endTime":931.416,"body":"it's not the time to really get into the details"},{"startTime":931.416,"endTime":937.0,"body":"of the conversation, it's how do we help them cool down?"},{"startTime":937.666,"endTime":939.541,"body":"And sometimes it's giving them that space."},{"startTime":940.625,"endTime":944.375,"body":"But I will say, nobody has ever calmed down"},{"startTime":944.375,"endTime":945.75,"body":"by being told to calm down."},{"startTime":946.25,"endTime":947.916,"body":"(laughing)"},{"startTime":947.916,"endTime":948.541,"body":"- Well put."},{"startTime":949.291,"endTime":951.333,"body":"Okay, so let's go there a little bit more."},{"startTime":951.333,"endTime":954.375,"body":"Let's go to some place that's really thorny"},{"startTime":954.375,"endTime":955.333,"body":"and hard to deal with."},{"startTime":955.5,"endTime":959.041,"body":"So a different executive team I was working with"},{"startTime":959.041,"endTime":961.416,"body":"actually just yesterday,"},{"startTime":961.416,"endTime":963.25,"body":"they have such challenging dynamics."},{"startTime":963.583,"endTime":966.416,"body":"There are a few people on that team"},{"startTime":966.416,"endTime":970.208,"body":"that have such long histories with each other"},{"startTime":970.208,"endTime":974.25,"body":"that they're in constant conflict with each other."},{"startTime":975.0,"endTime":978.791,"body":"No matter what the other person suggests,"},{"startTime":978.791,"endTime":983.291,"body":"in any meeting, the other person will immediately dismiss it,"},{"startTime":983.291,"endTime":987.166,"body":"discount it, not pay attention, even if it might have merit."},{"startTime":988.416,"endTime":989.833,"body":"How do you deal with that?"},{"startTime":989.916,"endTime":992.0,"body":"Or are we just at an impasse?"},{"startTime":993.041,"endTime":995.666,"body":"Because ultimately we'd say, yes,"},{"startTime":995.666,"endTime":999.166,"body":"slow down your reactions, pause, be the better person,"},{"startTime":999.166,"endTime":1002.916,"body":"manage how you react, and listen,"},{"startTime":1002.916,"endTime":1005.25,"body":"look for some kernel of something."},{"startTime":1006.416,"endTime":1010.375,"body":"And yet the other person may never want to calm down."},{"startTime":1010.875,"endTime":1012.875,"body":"And this is the challenge, of course,"},{"startTime":1012.875,"endTime":1014.541,"body":"how do I control myself?"},{"startTime":1015.625,"endTime":1017.375,"body":"And how do I deal with the situation"},{"startTime":1017.375,"endTime":1020.416,"body":"when the other person refuses to calm down,"},{"startTime":1020.416,"endTime":1022.541,"body":"refuses to reframe?"},{"startTime":1024.166,"endTime":1026.791,"body":"Peter, how do you manage through that?"},{"startTime":1028.416,"endTime":1029.875,"body":"- That's really an easy scenario."},{"startTime":1030.625,"endTime":1032.708,"body":"I don't know why you're saying that's a complicated one."},{"startTime":1033.958,"endTime":1035.625,"body":"'Cause it is, it's here we, I mean,"},{"startTime":1035.625,"endTime":1037.5,"body":"it's fundamental to these human interactions."},{"startTime":1037.791,"endTime":1040.5,"body":"We do not have the ability to control"},{"startTime":1040.5,"endTime":1041.916,"body":"the reactions of others,"},{"startTime":1043.291,"endTime":1045.916,"body":"even though we would love to in certain situations."},{"startTime":1046.583,"endTime":1048.291,"body":"You touched on an important point"},{"startTime":1048.291,"endTime":1050.375,"body":"of trying to even build on common ground."},{"startTime":1051.583,"endTime":1053.833,"body":"You're trying to make that easy."},{"startTime":1054.375,"endTime":1060.375,"body":"Sometimes those scenarios can't be fixed with a dyad,"},{"startTime":1060.375,"endTime":1061.583,"body":"with just two people."},{"startTime":1062.166,"endTime":1062.541,"body":"- Oh, yeah."},{"startTime":1063.625,"endTime":1066.5,"body":"- That's why occasionally you need to bring in"},{"startTime":1066.5,"endTime":1069.666,"body":"somebody else, a third party, a mediator,"},{"startTime":1069.666,"endTime":1075.0,"body":"an additional voice to help facilitate that dialogue."},{"startTime":1075.5,"endTime":1078.541,"body":"It doesn't have to be a professional necessarily,"},{"startTime":1078.541,"endTime":1081.458,"body":"but it's somebody else who can be sitting there listening"},{"startTime":1081.458,"endTime":1084.208,"body":"as you set up a little bit of a ground rule on,"},{"startTime":1084.208,"endTime":1086.208,"body":"okay, we gotta work through this."},{"startTime":1086.916,"endTime":1091.0,"body":"We have come to an impasse in which it is detrimental"},{"startTime":1091.0,"endTime":1094.125,"body":"to our organization or our team or whatever it is."},{"startTime":1094.5,"endTime":1096.25,"body":"If we both wanna coexist here,"},{"startTime":1096.25,"endTime":1098.333,"body":"we gotta figure out a path forward."},{"startTime":1099.333,"endTime":1101.541,"body":"And it doesn't sound like we can figure it out on our own."},{"startTime":1102.166,"endTime":1104.875,"body":"So we're bringing in somebody else to help us get there."},{"startTime":1105.5,"endTime":1107.166,"body":"- So there's that mediator route."},{"startTime":1107.875,"endTime":1109.958,"body":"It's looking at base assumptions,"},{"startTime":1109.958,"endTime":1111.291,"body":"seeing what there's commonality."},{"startTime":1112.416,"endTime":1115.875,"body":"What about this other idea, another main point here,"},{"startTime":1115.875,"endTime":1119.958,"body":"which is to clarify acceptable behavior"},{"startTime":1119.958,"endTime":1122.625,"body":"and clarifying unacceptable behavior."},{"startTime":1123.583,"endTime":1126.916,"body":"In some ways, that's expectation management."},{"startTime":1128.291,"endTime":1132.208,"body":"And there might be some ability to do that peer to peer."},{"startTime":1133.541,"endTime":1137.916,"body":"Boss to direct report might be a little easier in some way"},{"startTime":1137.916,"endTime":1141.166,"body":"because there's more of an authority that one can leverage."},{"startTime":1142.333,"endTime":1146.833,"body":"direct report up to their manager, managing up,"},{"startTime":1146.833,"endTime":1148.833,"body":"can be especially challenging."},{"startTime":1150.375,"endTime":1153.708,"body":"The idea of clarifying behavior,"},{"startTime":1153.708,"endTime":1155.791,"body":"how does that, how might that look?"},{"startTime":1156.75,"endTime":1158.166,"body":"Because that's really important,"},{"startTime":1158.166,"endTime":1161.125,"body":"and you can clarify yourself to look at the mirror and say,"},{"startTime":1161.125,"endTime":1164.708,"body":"these are the behaviors that I will allow myself to do"},{"startTime":1164.708,"endTime":1166.625,"body":"when I'm in a state of conflict."},{"startTime":1167.375,"endTime":1170.625,"body":"And these are the behaviors that are no longer consistent"},{"startTime":1170.625,"endTime":1171.666,"body":"with my values."},{"startTime":1172.666,"endTime":1175.458,"body":"And that's where sometimes the danger is"},{"startTime":1175.458,"endTime":1178.916,"body":"your own personal values can get thrown out the window"},{"startTime":1178.916,"endTime":1183.875,"body":"when you are in the height of emotional conflict."},{"startTime":1185.125,"endTime":1188.666,"body":"And the key is to be able to then reflect"},{"startTime":1188.666,"endTime":1190.041,"body":"and say, wait a minute, who am I?"},{"startTime":1190.708,"endTime":1192.0,"body":"What do I truly value?"},{"startTime":1192.958,"endTime":1195.416,"body":"So that I can look at myself in the mirror later"},{"startTime":1195.416,"endTime":1198.541,"body":"and still have some level of respect and consistency"},{"startTime":1198.541,"endTime":1200.041,"body":"about how we wanna behave."},{"startTime":1200.666,"endTime":1205.375,"body":"So how do you then clarify these behavioral expectations?"},{"startTime":1206.083,"endTime":1208.208,"body":"What's acceptable, what's not during conflict?"},{"startTime":1209.25,"endTime":1210.333,"body":"- I mean, you just highlighted"},{"startTime":1210.333,"endTime":1214.291,"body":"some really important steps there for an individual to do,"},{"startTime":1214.291,"endTime":1217.541,"body":"to take that look inside, what are the values?"},{"startTime":1217.708,"endTime":1219.458,"body":"What are those things I'm not going to compromise?"},{"startTime":1220.583,"endTime":1221.458,"body":"'Cause that says a lot."},{"startTime":1221.916,"endTime":1222.958,"body":"But then back to your question,"},{"startTime":1222.958,"endTime":1224.083,"body":"well, how do you set that up?"},{"startTime":1224.791,"endTime":1225.666,"body":"How do you communicate it?"},{"startTime":1226.333,"endTime":1228.5,"body":"Hopefully you're setting this up at a time in which"},{"startTime":1228.5,"endTime":1233.333,"body":"it is not a period of emotional intense arousal,"},{"startTime":1233.333,"endTime":1235.875,"body":"in which you've already level set these conversations,"},{"startTime":1235.875,"endTime":1237.666,"body":"these expectations, how do we treat each other?"},{"startTime":1238.041,"endTime":1240.291,"body":"What are the values that we're bringing in"},{"startTime":1240.291,"endTime":1241.083,"body":"to these conversations?"},{"startTime":1241.5,"endTime":1244.5,"body":"How do we propose to work through conflict as it comes?"},{"startTime":1245.0,"endTime":1247.041,"body":"So you've set the, you've prepared for it."},{"startTime":1247.916,"endTime":1250.0,"body":"In fact, you know conflict will happen."},{"startTime":1250.416,"endTime":1251.5,"body":"So it's not a surprise."},{"startTime":1252.166,"endTime":1255.541,"body":"Why? Because you're building trust in a team"},{"startTime":1255.541,"endTime":1258.333,"body":"and that sets the stage so you can actually have"},{"startTime":1258.333,"endTime":1260.958,"body":"good productive healthy debate and conflict."},{"startTime":1261.375,"endTime":1261.833,"body":"-Yeah."},{"startTime":1262.333,"endTime":1267.083,"body":"And so, now, if you haven't set it up ahead of time, that's really where it's"},{"startTime":1267.083,"endTime":1271.166,"body":"looking at having that when can we be actually level headed"},{"startTime":1271.166,"endTime":1275.625,"body":"enough to begin to talk through and what is the objective here"},{"startTime":1275.625,"endTime":1278.541,"body":"and now for this? What are we trying to get at here?"},{"startTime":1279.041,"endTime":1282.25,"body":"And then let's knock that down a couple levels because we may not get there."},{"startTime":1283.208,"endTime":1284.833,"body":"And it's those incremental gains."},{"startTime":1285.833,"endTime":1286.75,"body":"What else would you add?"},{"startTime":1287.375,"endTime":1289.166,"body":"- Well, you're reminding me of the importance"},{"startTime":1289.166,"endTime":1290.083,"body":"of a team charter."},{"startTime":1290.916,"endTime":1293.625,"body":"One of those team charter elements is to create"},{"startTime":1293.625,"endTime":1296.291,"body":"and identify the norms or the behaviors"},{"startTime":1296.291,"endTime":1298.416,"body":"that are expected on a team."},{"startTime":1299.583,"endTime":1302.375,"body":"That's part of that conversation to say,"},{"startTime":1302.375,"endTime":1305.375,"body":"okay, during good times, during bad times,"},{"startTime":1305.375,"endTime":1307.416,"body":"during uncertain times,"},{"startTime":1307.416,"endTime":1309.833,"body":"these are the behaviors that we will aspire to."},{"startTime":1309.958,"endTime":1311.5,"body":"This is what we will shoot for."},{"startTime":1311.583,"endTime":1313.666,"body":"This is what we should expect"},{"startTime":1313.666,"endTime":1315.375,"body":"from each other on this team."},{"startTime":1316.291,"endTime":1318.541,"body":"The ideal, of course, is to do that ahead of time."},{"startTime":1318.916,"endTime":1320.291,"body":"Will it always be followed?"},{"startTime":1320.416,"endTime":1322.458,"body":"Not necessarily, but it's aspirational."},{"startTime":1323.041,"endTime":1325.666,"body":"We have something to come back to"},{"startTime":1325.666,"endTime":1327.0,"body":"and say, what did we just learn?"},{"startTime":1327.041,"endTime":1329.625,"body":"How can we keep aspiring to this?"},{"startTime":1329.958,"endTime":1331.25,"body":"How can we keep improving?"},{"startTime":1332.625,"endTime":1336.416,"body":"And it's a key point, especially to consider"},{"startTime":1336.416,"endTime":1338.5,"body":"as you do a team charter,"},{"startTime":1338.5,"endTime":1341.541,"body":"when we're in moments of stress and conflict,"},{"startTime":1341.541,"endTime":1343.333,"body":"how do we expect that we show up?"},{"startTime":1344.125,"endTime":1347.708,"body":"What can we do to help each other be able to do that?"},{"startTime":1347.875,"endTime":1352.791,"body":"Because on our own, we might more easily just"},{"startTime":1352.791,"endTime":1354.916,"body":"kind of fail on some of those behaviors."},{"startTime":1355.75,"endTime":1358.375,"body":"But to have some sort of standards,"},{"startTime":1358.375,"endTime":1360.375,"body":"expectations ahead of time,"},{"startTime":1360.375,"endTime":1365.166,"body":"and for all of us to agree to it, critical to help."},{"startTime":1365.5,"endTime":1367.375,"body":"And then I would also add,"},{"startTime":1367.375,"endTime":1369.916,"body":"we all show up in stress a little differently."},{"startTime":1371.458,"endTime":1374.166,"body":"And to be very honest with ourselves,"},{"startTime":1374.166,"endTime":1377.833,"body":"for some of us, we become increasingly more analytical."},{"startTime":1379.25,"endTime":1381.583,"body":"And we dive deeper into the numbers,"},{"startTime":1381.583,"endTime":1384.125,"body":"and we use that as kind of a crutch"},{"startTime":1384.125,"endTime":1386.708,"body":"because we don't want to then assert our own opinion."},{"startTime":1387.708,"endTime":1391.333,"body":"Others, we take things really, really personal,"},{"startTime":1391.333,"endTime":1393.75,"body":"and we then take it all on ourselves"},{"startTime":1393.75,"endTime":1397.75,"body":"and immediately assume that people are out to get us,"},{"startTime":1397.75,"endTime":1399.291,"body":"though they don't like us somehow."},{"startTime":1400.416,"endTime":1404.333,"body":"And others, we withdraw out of the situation,"},{"startTime":1404.333,"endTime":1407.416,"body":"the conversation completely, and we avoid."},{"startTime":1408.5,"endTime":1410.5,"body":"And we say, nope, it's not me."},{"startTime":1411.25,"endTime":1415.458,"body":"All of those are behaviors that we need to be aware of"},{"startTime":1415.458,"endTime":1419.458,"body":"what we do as well, so that we know how to manage that."},{"startTime":1419.625,"endTime":1420.25,"body":"Yeah, please."},{"startTime":1420.5,"endTime":1421.75,"body":"- I'd add a fourth to it,"},{"startTime":1421.75,"endTime":1423.916,"body":"and those are the ones that acquiesce."},{"startTime":1424.916,"endTime":1430.125,"body":"They just... it's not that they're removing themselves necessarily,"},{"startTime":1430.125,"endTime":1432.083,"body":"they're just going to agree to everything."},{"startTime":1432.625,"endTime":1432.875,"body":"- Right."},{"startTime":1433.583,"endTime":1436.916,"body":"There's —I'm just gonna accommodate whatever's needed,"},{"startTime":1436.916,"endTime":1438.166,"body":"whatever happens."},{"startTime":1438.291,"endTime":1441.833,"body":"So it's recognizing how are those coming across?"},{"startTime":1442.458,"endTime":1445.916,"body":"And to your point of building that team charter"},{"startTime":1445.916,"endTime":1449.666,"body":"ahead of time, clarifying those ground rules"},{"startTime":1449.666,"endTime":1451.5,"body":"for when conflict happens,"},{"startTime":1451.5,"endTime":1456.916,"body":"it helps to get the conflict before it's festered too much,"},{"startTime":1456.916,"endTime":1458.583,"body":"before the roots have gotten too deep."},{"startTime":1459.25,"endTime":1462.458,"body":"You know, going back to, we could use the firefighting analogy."},{"startTime":1462.916,"endTime":1466.416,"body":"You know, the one alarm, two alarm, three alarm, four alarm fire,"},{"startTime":1466.416,"endTime":1470.916,"body":"how do we get conflict before it's hit that four alarm state"},{"startTime":1470.916,"endTime":1473.666,"body":"so that we're able to see it and to look at it"},{"startTime":1473.666,"endTime":1475.583,"body":"and to recognize when it is."},{"startTime":1475.958,"endTime":1478.708,"body":"It's much easier to deal with it when it's relatively small."},{"startTime":1479.541,"endTime":1479.75,"body":"- Yeah."},{"startTime":1480.0,"endTime":1481.458,"body":"- Before it's turned into a huge thing."},{"startTime":1481.916,"endTime":1485.875,"body":"'Cause then over time it just escalates and rolls over."},{"startTime":1486.166,"endTime":1487.625,"body":"So this actually reminds me, Daniel,"},{"startTime":1488.166,"endTime":1490.166,"body":"I know you love sitcoms."},{"startTime":1491.541,"endTime":1492.041,"body":"(laughing)"},{"startTime":1492.916,"endTime":1497.0,"body":"Why, and I say this facetiously, these drive you nuts."},{"startTime":1497.416,"endTime":1501.0,"body":"What is it about sitcoms that just,"},{"startTime":1501.0,"endTime":1501.916,"body":"why do you just hate 'em?"},{"startTime":1503.0,"endTime":1504.458,"body":"- So I'll be clear."},{"startTime":1504.75,"endTime":1508.791,"body":"Sometimes they're okay, but there is a pattern of behavior"},{"startTime":1508.791,"endTime":1510.875,"body":"that drives me crazy in sitcoms,"},{"startTime":1510.875,"endTime":1513.666,"body":"and so many of them are based all around this,"},{"startTime":1513.666,"endTime":1517.791,"body":"and it is the absence of clear communication."},{"startTime":1519.5,"endTime":1522.5,"body":"All they have to do is take the main character"},{"startTime":1522.5,"endTime":1525.166,"body":"and the kid or the wife,"},{"startTime":1525.166,"endTime":1527.375,"body":"and suddenly they don't communicate"},{"startTime":1527.375,"endTime":1530.333,"body":"or they avoid communicating or there's a misperception"},{"startTime":1530.333,"endTime":1533.208,"body":"and they could have cleared it up earlier, but they don't."},{"startTime":1533.75,"endTime":1538.166,"body":"So they can then have 15 or 20 or 50 minutes"},{"startTime":1538.166,"endTime":1540.208,"body":"worth of hijinks and confusion,"},{"startTime":1540.208,"endTime":1541.791,"body":"and then finally at the end,"},{"startTime":1541.791,"endTime":1543.875,"body":"they have the conversation that they could have had"},{"startTime":1543.875,"endTime":1544.666,"body":"a half hour ago."},{"startTime":1545.25,"endTime":1546.958,"body":"And I'm sitting there going,"},{"startTime":1546.958,"endTime":1549.041,"body":"this is not even, this is not clever."},{"startTime":1549.625,"endTime":1550.208,"body":"(laughing)"},{"startTime":1550.541,"endTime":1551.833,"body":"It's a personal thing."},{"startTime":1552.833,"endTime":1556.333,"body":"Nonetheless, the point is to talk."},{"startTime":1557.416,"endTime":1560.875,"body":"Like, if you are in conflict,"},{"startTime":1560.875,"endTime":1563.041,"body":"if you are not understanding something,"},{"startTime":1563.041,"endTime":1565.416,"body":"if you think there might be a misperception,"},{"startTime":1565.416,"endTime":1569.291,"body":"if you have the stinking conversation."},{"startTime":1569.958,"endTime":1573.666,"body":"Have the direct— interact, start small,"},{"startTime":1573.666,"endTime":1576.791,"body":"before it gets even bigger, but talk."},{"startTime":1577.458,"endTime":1580.625,"body":"Go to the person and say, I need your guidance,"},{"startTime":1580.625,"endTime":1583.125,"body":"I need your thoughts, I need your input,"},{"startTime":1583.125,"endTime":1585.833,"body":"I need to hear something to confirm"},{"startTime":1585.833,"endTime":1588.416,"body":"or to help me change, to reframe."},{"startTime":1589.291,"endTime":1591.333,"body":"Yes, it takes a little bit of time,"},{"startTime":1591.333,"endTime":1593.875,"body":"but somehow we always have time after"},{"startTime":1593.875,"endTime":1596.666,"body":"to go through all of the drama of things"},{"startTime":1596.666,"endTime":1599.041,"body":"that probably could have been dealt with beforehand."},{"startTime":1600.583,"endTime":1602.541,"body":"Now, we're busy, I get it."},{"startTime":1603.333,"endTime":1604.916,"body":"However, how do we talk?"},{"startTime":1605.375,"endTime":1607.5,"body":"How often can we talk?"},{"startTime":1607.583,"endTime":1609.75,"body":"Hence, the importance of the regular"},{"startTime":1609.75,"endTime":1614.041,"body":"one-on-one conversations, the touch bases,"},{"startTime":1614.041,"endTime":1615.083,"body":"the regular interaction."},{"startTime":1615.166,"endTime":1619.208,"body":"If you only use email, pause, call up the phone,"},{"startTime":1619.208,"endTime":1621.458,"body":"have a Teams call, something."},{"startTime":1622.291,"endTime":1624.833,"body":"But the point is to talk, talk, talk,"},{"startTime":1624.833,"endTime":1627.25,"body":"and not to let things fester"},{"startTime":1627.25,"endTime":1628.958,"body":"and these misperceptions grow."},{"startTime":1630.625,"endTime":1631.791,"body":"- 'Cause they grow so quickly."},{"startTime":1632.541,"endTime":1635.333,"body":"And here's an indicator for you of when they fester."},{"startTime":1636.375,"endTime":1640.208,"body":"How often you have those side conversations"},{"startTime":1640.208,"endTime":1641.958,"body":"complaining about somebody else."},{"startTime":1643.25,"endTime":1645.583,"body":"And especially if it's the same person"},{"startTime":1645.583,"endTime":1647.5,"body":"or it's the same issue,"},{"startTime":1647.5,"endTime":1650.291,"body":"really what does that complaining do?"},{"startTime":1651.041,"endTime":1652.75,"body":"What function is that helping?"},{"startTime":1653.625,"endTime":1655.5,"body":"It's really not doing anything,"},{"startTime":1655.5,"endTime":1658.833,"body":"but further reinforce your own frustration with it,"},{"startTime":1658.833,"endTime":1660.666,"body":"making it more intense,"},{"startTime":1660.666,"endTime":1664.208,"body":"and now you're polluting somebody else's opinion"},{"startTime":1664.208,"endTime":1665.291,"body":"of somebody else as well,"},{"startTime":1665.291,"endTime":1667.791,"body":"as you're complaining to them about it."},{"startTime":1668.5,"endTime":1671.708,"body":"Why not take that initiative"},{"startTime":1671.708,"endTime":1674.5,"body":"and try and have the more direct conversation"},{"startTime":1674.5,"endTime":1675.333,"body":"with the individual?"},{"startTime":1676.791,"endTime":1681.208,"body":"- Yeah, and sometimes we will not have that"},{"startTime":1681.208,"endTime":1683.458,"body":"because we can imagine all sorts of things"},{"startTime":1683.458,"endTime":1685.75,"body":"after not going well, fair."},{"startTime":1686.125,"endTime":1690.916,"body":"We need to imagine this and yet challenge ourselves"},{"startTime":1690.916,"endTime":1692.666,"body":"to have a direct conversation,"},{"startTime":1692.666,"endTime":1695.5,"body":"allow the other person the chance to become aware"},{"startTime":1695.5,"endTime":1699.125,"body":"and to rise up and be an adult"},{"startTime":1699.125,"endTime":1700.666,"body":"and have a direct conversation."},{"startTime":1701.041,"endTime":1704.0,"body":"It might be unsettling at first, give them a chance."},{"startTime":1704.541,"endTime":1706.458,"body":"Now again, all of these things,"},{"startTime":1706.458,"endTime":1710.208,"body":"we need to consider the full situation"},{"startTime":1710.208,"endTime":1713.75,"body":"and yet have a direct conversation"},{"startTime":1713.75,"endTime":1716.416,"body":"and express that you also care."},{"startTime":1717.125,"endTime":1718.791,"body":"So that care and directness."},{"startTime":1719.541,"endTime":1722.5,"body":"This leads to the other point here,"},{"startTime":1722.5,"endTime":1724.25,"body":"this common ground idea."},{"startTime":1724.875,"endTime":1728.583,"body":"We've mentioned this, there is a lot to just look at."},{"startTime":1729.25,"endTime":1731.166,"body":"How do we identify this common ground?"},{"startTime":1731.333,"endTime":1735.916,"body":"Because sometimes we ignore the common ground"},{"startTime":1735.916,"endTime":1738.666,"body":"and we focus so much on the differences."},{"startTime":1739.541,"endTime":1743.125,"body":"when in fact, inevitably, there's something,"},{"startTime":1743.125,"endTime":1744.958,"body":"there's something that we can go back to."},{"startTime":1745.5,"endTime":1746.75,"body":"How do we do this, Peter?"},{"startTime":1748.333,"endTime":1750.75,"body":"- Sometimes it's a little trial and error,"},{"startTime":1750.75,"endTime":1752.791,"body":"and you can start close, saying,"},{"startTime":1752.791,"endTime":1755.666,"body":"hey, are we both wanting to help this customer?"},{"startTime":1756.166,"endTime":1758.333,"body":"Are we both trying to meet this deadline?"},{"startTime":1758.958,"endTime":1761.208,"body":"Are we both trying to at least"},{"startTime":1761.208,"endTime":1762.916,"body":"help this organization still exist?"},{"startTime":1764.666,"endTime":1768.333,"body":"Are we both trying to at least provide for loved ones"},{"startTime":1768.333,"endTime":1769.583,"body":"or whatever it might be."},{"startTime":1770.958,"endTime":1774.166,"body":"Sometimes you really have to pull back"},{"startTime":1774.166,"endTime":1777.125,"body":"and go just completely foundational"},{"startTime":1777.125,"endTime":1779.541,"body":"as you've taken a few shots at trying to find some"},{"startTime":1779.541,"endTime":1782.416,"body":"that are in closer proximity to actually what you're doing."},{"startTime":1783.541,"endTime":1786.166,"body":"But it's seeking for that, it's trying to find it."},{"startTime":1786.875,"endTime":1789.916,"body":"And you can guess, but you can also ask."},{"startTime":1791.916,"endTime":1796.625,"body":"Ask the question of, why is this so important to you?"},{"startTime":1798.041,"endTime":1798.25,"body":"- Yeah."},{"startTime":1798.458,"endTime":1799.458,"body":"- When you ask that question,"},{"startTime":1799.458,"endTime":1801.958,"body":"it's like, I hear your passion around this."},{"startTime":1802.416,"endTime":1804.75,"body":"Sounds like we don't necessarily agree."},{"startTime":1805.75,"endTime":1808.833,"body":"Can you share with me why this hits you so strongly?"},{"startTime":1809.875,"endTime":1810.708,"body":"What is it about that?"},{"startTime":1812.208,"endTime":1815.291,"body":"Odds are, in that explanation,"},{"startTime":1815.291,"endTime":1818.75,"body":"you can look for some area to connect on."},{"startTime":1819.5,"endTime":1819.791,"body":"- Yeah."},{"startTime":1821.708,"endTime":1825.125,"body":"And this why, you're making me think,"},{"startTime":1825.125,"endTime":1827.916,"body":"an executive I worked with several years ago,"},{"startTime":1827.916,"endTime":1832.416,"body":"I was pushing him, in a coaching situation,"},{"startTime":1832.416,"endTime":1835.75,"body":"I was pushing him to understand why he viewed"},{"startTime":1835.75,"endTime":1837.25,"body":"the situation the way he did."},{"startTime":1838.375,"endTime":1842.416,"body":"And so I asked him why, and he gave me an answer,"},{"startTime":1842.416,"endTime":1847.333,"body":"and I sat back, and I said,"},{"startTime":1847.333,"endTime":1847.541,"body":"\"Why?"},{"startTime":1849.416,"endTime":1850.166,"body":"\"Why else?\""},{"startTime":1851.875,"endTime":1854.083,"body":"And he was like, \"Okay,\" and he gave me another reason."},{"startTime":1855.416,"endTime":1857.333,"body":"And it was about on the third or fourth."},{"startTime":1858.75,"endTime":1861.5,"body":"And you could tell that he was getting a little agitated."},{"startTime":1863.0,"endTime":1865.208,"body":"Because I kept saying, why else?"},{"startTime":1866.875,"endTime":1867.541,"body":"Give me another why."},{"startTime":1869.5,"endTime":1873.5,"body":"And any time I will do that-- and this is the five whys."},{"startTime":1873.583,"endTime":1874.708,"body":"It's a known tool."},{"startTime":1874.833,"endTime":1875.625,"body":"It's fantastic."},{"startTime":1876.5,"endTime":1880.375,"body":"But to actually apply it in a personal conversation"},{"startTime":1880.375,"endTime":1883.083,"body":"to understand what really is driving somebody."},{"startTime":1883.958,"endTime":1886.708,"body":"Where I find you finally reached it"},{"startTime":1886.708,"endTime":1889.416,"body":"is when it becomes incredibly personal."},{"startTime":1890.75,"endTime":1894.625,"body":"It's no longer about the team or the company or society,"},{"startTime":1894.625,"endTime":1898.208,"body":"or it's how is it going to help them?"},{"startTime":1899.875,"endTime":1904.25,"body":"What is it that they truly value that it connects with?"},{"startTime":1905.833,"endTime":1909.541,"body":"And suddenly you can sit back and go, thank you."},{"startTime":1911.125,"endTime":1911.75,"body":"That's why."},{"startTime":1912.125,"endTime":1912.75,"body":"That's why."},{"startTime":1913.083,"endTime":1913.5,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1914.666,"endTime":1915.416,"body":"Oh, it's powerful."},{"startTime":1915.583,"endTime":1917.041,"body":"And it's a tool you can leverage."},{"startTime":1917.166,"endTime":1921.041,"body":"It takes patience and it takes trust to be able to dig in."},{"startTime":1921.583,"endTime":1925.75,"body":"But once you get to that third or fourth why, you're right."},{"startTime":1926.666,"endTime":1930.958,"body":"Inevitably it's personal and it's forced them to really dig deep and think."},{"startTime":1931.458,"endTime":1931.625,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1932.333,"endTime":1936.5,"body":"So we've talked a lot about navigating conflict."},{"startTime":1937.625,"endTime":1938.708,"body":"Conflict is gonna happen."},{"startTime":1939.416,"endTime":1940.625,"body":"It will continue to happen."},{"startTime":1940.708,"endTime":1941.708,"body":"That's one thing I'll guarantee."},{"startTime":1942.083,"endTime":1943.875,"body":"I'm gonna put a personal promise,"},{"startTime":1943.875,"endTime":1946.541,"body":"conflict will continue down the road."},{"startTime":1947.416,"endTime":1949.833,"body":"But how do we not be afraid of it?"},{"startTime":1950.0,"endTime":1951.458,"body":"How do we feel confident in it?"},{"startTime":1951.625,"endTime":1954.166,"body":"And even leverage it as a tool,"},{"startTime":1954.166,"endTime":1956.916,"body":"a tool to be able to advance ideas,"},{"startTime":1956.916,"endTime":1960.916,"body":"to build relationships, to so many different things."},{"startTime":1961.625,"endTime":1962.958,"body":"So Lightning Round, Daniel."},{"startTime":1963.291,"endTime":1967.25,"body":"(upbeat music)"},{"startTime":1967.833,"endTime":1970.541,"body":"What is the one thing you would suggest"},{"startTime":1970.541,"endTime":1972.916,"body":"to a conflict avoider."},{"startTime":1973.291,"endTime":1976.208,"body":"- The conflict avoider who does not want"},{"startTime":1976.208,"endTime":1979.625,"body":"to embrace conflict, this is what they should do."},{"startTime":1980.25,"endTime":1983.625,"body":"They need to sit back and they need to focus"},{"startTime":1983.625,"endTime":1989.75,"body":"on how much they care about the person or the situation"},{"startTime":1989.75,"endTime":1993.333,"body":"and to then frame up very clear ways"},{"startTime":1993.333,"endTime":1996.708,"body":"of communicating what they have in common"},{"startTime":1996.708,"endTime":1997.958,"body":"and what the challenges are."},{"startTime":1998.916,"endTime":1999.625,"body":"How do they care?"},{"startTime":2000.75,"endTime":2002.583,"body":"And what are the commonalities?"},{"startTime":2003.25,"endTime":2005.291,"body":"And to then have the guts to say it."},{"startTime":2006.416,"endTime":2009.041,"body":"And they may need to have somebody else push them,"},{"startTime":2009.041,"endTime":2013.75,"body":"but they focus on the care and the direct conversation"},{"startTime":2013.75,"endTime":2015.625,"body":"to be able to then move things forward."},{"startTime":2017.333,"endTime":2020.708,"body":"The other thing I'll add is"},{"startTime":2020.708,"endTime":2022.833,"body":"whether you're a conflict avoider"},{"startTime":2022.833,"endTime":2025.458,"body":"or somebody who embraces conflict,"},{"startTime":2025.458,"endTime":2030.708,"body":"whatever you are, also work on your ability to forgive."},{"startTime":2033.5,"endTime":2036.541,"body":"Forgiveness is a powerful thing"},{"startTime":2036.541,"endTime":2038.583,"body":"that we undervalue at times."},{"startTime":2039.083,"endTime":2041.125,"body":"We may not be able to forget."},{"startTime":2041.875,"endTime":2042.5,"body":"We're really good."},{"startTime":2042.708,"endTime":2047.666,"body":"We wanna try to forget, but at least forgive"},{"startTime":2047.666,"endTime":2050.5,"body":"and move forward and focus more in the future."},{"startTime":2052.416,"endTime":2054.083,"body":"- Oh, it's so critical"},{"startTime":2054.083,"endTime":2057.333,"body":"to let that opportunity for growth to happen."},{"startTime":2058.166,"endTime":2061.333,"body":"Because if we approach every interaction"},{"startTime":2061.333,"endTime":2065.875,"body":"fearful that we are going to say something wrong,"},{"startTime":2065.875,"endTime":2067.708,"body":"we've already put a governor on ourself."},{"startTime":2069.416,"endTime":2071.875,"body":"But if we are willing to forgive"},{"startTime":2071.875,"endTime":2074.916,"body":"and feel that others can forgive us,"},{"startTime":2074.916,"endTime":2079.333,"body":"then okay, we may not say the perfect right thing"},{"startTime":2079.333,"endTime":2081.833,"body":"at the exact right moment every time."},{"startTime":2082.291,"endTime":2083.541,"body":"Because odds are we're not."},{"startTime":2084.916,"endTime":2086.291,"body":"Because we're mortal humans."},{"startTime":2087.25,"endTime":2087.416,"body":"- Yeah."},{"startTime":2088.208,"endTime":2090.125,"body":"- But giving that forgiveness is important."},{"startTime":2090.75,"endTime":2093.0,"body":"- Peter, another great Leadership Growth Podcast."},{"startTime":2093.958,"endTime":2094.708,"body":"Always a pleasure."},{"startTime":2095.291,"endTime":2095.708,"body":"- Thank you."},{"startTime":2097.333,"endTime":2099.25,"body":"- Well folks, thanks for listening,"},{"startTime":2099.25,"endTime":2102.75,"body":"especially as we've developed and focused our tools"},{"startTime":2102.75,"endTime":2106.5,"body":"and insights around helping us navigate conflict"},{"startTime":2106.5,"endTime":2107.583,"body":"as effective leaders."},{"startTime":2108.5,"endTime":2110.708,"body":"Please join us for a future episode,"},{"startTime":2110.708,"endTime":2113.916,"body":"like and subscribe, as well as send us ideas"},{"startTime":2113.916,"endTime":2116.5,"body":"and topics you'd like us to talk about"},{"startTime":2116.5,"endTime":2119.708,"body":"at podcast@stewartleadership.com."},{"startTime":2120.208,"endTime":2121.25,"body":"We'd love to hear from you."},{"startTime":2121.791,"endTime":2124.0,"body":"All the best on your ongoing leadership journey."},{"startTime":2124.375,"endTime":2125.083,"body":"Take care, everyone."},{"startTime":2125.916,"endTime":2127.416,"body":"If you liked this episode,"},{"startTime":2127.416,"endTime":2129.125,"body":"please share it with a friend or colleague,"},{"startTime":2129.125,"endTime":2131.041,"body":"or better yet, leave a review"},{"startTime":2131.041,"endTime":2133.041,"body":"to help other listeners find our show."},{"startTime":2133.708,"endTime":2136.625,"body":"And remember to subscribe so you never miss an episode."},{"startTime":2137.291,"endTime":2138.541,"body":"For more great content,"},{"startTime":2138.541,"endTime":2140.958,"body":"or to learn more about how Stewart Leadership can help you"},{"startTime":2140.958,"endTime":2143.416,"body":"grow your ability to lead effectively,"},{"startTime":2143.416,"endTime":2145.875,"body":"please visit stewartleadership.com"}]}