Teen Moms Anonymous
Teen Moms Anonymous is a podcast for teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms, especially those who survived violence and abuse. Our focus is on promoting emotional health and wellness because we know that emotionally healthy mothers are better equipped to nurture the emotional development of their children.
Host--
Dr. Chris Stroble, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous, a ministry for teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms, especially those who survived violence and abuse, and the award-winning author of Helping Teen Moms Graduate: Strategies for Families, Schools, and Community Organizations.
To learn more about Teen Moms Anonymous, please visit www.teenmomsA.org
Teen Moms Anonymous
Pt 1 Healing The Shame That Binds You
Shame—we all feel it, but few of us understand its profound impact on our lives and relationships. In this eye-opening episode, Dr. Chris introduces us to the critical distinction between healthy shame (a natural emotional boundary) and toxic shame (the devastating belief that we are fundamentally flawed and unworthy of connection).
Drawing from John Bradshaw's groundbreaking work and her own expertise working with teen mothers, Dr. Chris reveals how toxic shame first emerges within the family system through three key dynamics: growing up with a shame-based parent, experiencing abandonment, or enduring repeated violence and abuse. For teen mothers, this pre-existing shame is often intensified by societal judgment during pregnancy, creating layers of emotional wounding that affect their ability to parent effectively.
The statistics Dr. Chris shares are staggering: up to 82% of teen mothers report disturbing memories from stressful past experiences, 79% feel depressed or hopeless, and a heartbreaking 61% have had thoughts about self-harm. These numbers aren't just data points—they reflect the lived reality of thousands of young women carrying the burden of toxic shame.
But there's profound hope in this message. Dr. Chris vulnerably shares her own journey with toxic shame, including her recent realization about how perfectionism has been her hiding place. Through her story of raising her son as a single mother—and the beautiful validation she recently received from a community elder—we glimpse what healing looks like when we confront our shame and find supportive communities where we can be our authentic selves.
This episode is the first in a powerful five-part series designed to help teen mothers and women who were teen mothers recognize, expose, and ultimately heal the toxic shame that has kept them bound. Whether you're a teen mother, someone who works with young parents, or simply someone struggling with feelings of unworthiness, this conversation offers the compassionate understanding and practical wisdom needed to begin the journey toward emotional freedom.
Connect with us at teammomsA.org or on social media @TeenMomsAnonymous to join our supportive community and continue your healing journey.
Blog Post
Everyone thanks for tuning into our Teen Moms Anonymous podcast. We are a podcast for teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms, especially those who survived violence and abuse. Our focus is on emotional health and wellness, because we know that emotionally healthy mothers are better equipped to nurture the emotional development of their children. I'm your host, Dr. Chris Stroble, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous, a ministry for teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms, and the award-winning author of Helping Teen Moms Graduate Strategies for Family, schools and Community Organizations. Today is part one of a five-part series entitled Healing the Shame that Binds you. Today, I will discuss the two types of shame healthy and toxic shame. I'll discuss how healthy shame is transformed into toxic shame and then I'll share my personal experience with toxic shame. For this series, I'm referencing the award-winning book Helping Teen Moms Graduate and a classic recovery text by John Bradshaw called Healing the Shame that Binds you.
Speaker 1:Counselor, motivational speaker and author who hosted a number of PBS television programs on topics such as addiction recovery, codependency and spirituality. In this series, as with all our shows, the content is for informational purposes only. If you feel you need to talk to someone, please consult a medical doctor or licensed professional counselor. If you are in an emergency, please dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. So let's get started. John Bradshaw begins talking about healing the shame that binds you by first explaining that there are two types of shame healthy and toxic shame.
Speaker 1:Healthy shame is an emotion. It's a boundary. Healthy shame is a yellow light warning that lets us know our limits. It lets us know that we're human, that we have made and will make mistakes. Healthy shame assures us that we are not good and that we need help. Healthy shame is nourishing. It keeps us grounded.
Speaker 1:Shame and vulnerability researcher and author Brene Brown describes toxic shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience, believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Something we've experienced, done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. Toxic shame is dehumanizing. It is excruciatingly painful. It feels like a deep cut inside. It feels like a deep cut inside. So right now I'm going to talk a little bit about the experiences of teen moms collectively not one teen mom, but collectively. And something that would cause a teen mom to feel toxic shame is experiencing a teen pregnancy. I mean, from my perspective, a teen pregnancy can be a traumatic experience because you feel helpless to change your situation. And that is what trauma is. You feel helpless, it's fight or flight. You freeze, you can't do anything and, in terms of toxic shame, as a teen mom, if you felt judged during your pregnancy, then you felt toxic shame, because judgment and toxic shame go hand in hand.
Speaker 1:I have interacted with teen moms and discovered that so many are emotionally wounded, and this is years after their teen pregnancy. I will never forget the pain of the young mothers I interviewed for my book Helping Teen Moms Graduate. They had all experienced a teen pregnancy and graduated from high school and at the time of the interview they were in college. Two of them were actual college graduates. I wanted to know their experience. How did they do it? My goal was to share the findings, to help more teen moms graduate, because currently only 50% of teen moms earn high school diploma, and that is exactly what I did in my award-winning book Helping Teen Moms Graduate. The interview was very emotional for several of them and I remember two participants broke down crying. I had to pause the interview to comfort one young mother I mean, clearly they were emotionally wounded. Another young mother she had finished college and actually just graduated from pharmacy school After we finished the interview I remember we were sitting at the kitchen table. She said that was good, as if it was cathartic for her to tell her story was good, as if it was cathartic for her to tell her story. And part of the journey of healing our toxic shame is telling our story. But you have to tell your story to safe people. That interview was a safe space for them to tell what happened to them and it helped them, I believe, just as much as it helped their peers who have read the book Helping Teen Moms Graduate, because teen moms are consumed with toxic shame, they don't feel safe or that they have rights to express their true, real feelings.
Speaker 1:Consider this research on the negative feelings that many teen moms feel, and these numbers are staggering and very alarming. And this is found in the book Helping Teen Moms Graduate on page 16. This data was collected during a study by the National Women's Law Center and these are teen moms who reported negative feelings and these are the actual feelings. So 74% felt bad about themselves or were a failure and let everyone down. 75% is staggering. 79% felt down or depressed or hopeless. 82% had repeated disturbing memories, thoughts or images of a stressful experience from their past. I mean, that's alarming 72% felt afraid, as if something awful would happen, 82% felt angry about how they were treated and 61% had thoughts that they would be better off dead or hurting themselves. Now those numbers are staggering, and what those mothers are dealing with is toxic shame, and you know they don't feel like they're good enough. They suppress their emotions because they're having to hide their real, true self, and so you may feel like many of these, the teen mothers in that study, and also, if you want to know if you're struggling with toxic shame, another handout that I actually put this on our social media so you can go there.
Speaker 1:But these are eight signs that you're struggling with toxic shame. Number one you think you don't deserve good things. You are too hard on yourself for small mistakes. You avoid opening up to others. You say yes to everyone just to avoid upsetting them. You feel guilty all the time, even when it's not your fault. You hide your true self because you fear being judged. You always feel bad about yourself and, finally, you feel nervous, anxious or on edge. A lot.
Speaker 1:Behind all of these negative emotions, this pit of anger, frustration and feeling bad about themselves, teen moms have repressed their real true self. What they're experiencing is toxic shame, and to survive often their very chaotic family environment, they've had to take on a false, codependent self. They've had to hide, cover up their shame. For many, this is a survival tactic. So then, your first experience with toxic shame might have been your teen pregnancy, and you felt that.
Speaker 1:But John Bradshaw, in his book, argues that toxic shame first develops in the family system. He says that toxic shame happens first in the family system, and this involves three dynamics A child grows up with a shame-based parent, child is abandoned by a parent, and a child is repeatedly exposed to, and has the repeated memory of, violence and abuse. So I'll look at each of these dynamics one at a time. A child grows up with a shame-based parent. The first dynamic that induces toxic shame is when a child grows up with a shame-based parent, and this is most often our mother. A shame-based mother is like the teen mothers I interviewed. She's like the teen mothers who were part of that survey, who had suppressed all they truly felt and were hiding their toxic shame. A shame-based mother is not free to be her real, true self, so she is not free to act lovingly with her child. She's consumed with so much guilt and shame and shame-based parents, they transfer the toxic shame to their child, really not realizing how they do that. But here's how.
Speaker 1:Parenting involves a lot of modeling of appropriate behaviors. I mean parenting is a lot of teaching. Parents must model healthy behaviors for their child so their child can have healthy relationships in their future and go on to thrive in life. Well, a shame-based mother can't model healthy behaviors. She can't model healthy behaviors like healthy boundaries or healthy shame. All she knows is toxic shame, so that's what she passes on. Her toxic shame is hiding underneath the way she interacts with her child. So maybe she lets the child cry and not comfort them. And this is because she doesn't feel open and free enough to be loving and happy and play with her child. I mean, she's just trying to survive. And so maybe she lets the baby cry a lot and not comfort him, and that's not good for a child. But her family may be of that school of thought that says just let the baby cry because picking him up will spoil the child. Well, you cannot spoil a child. Also, maybe she shames her child for having certain emotions because she can't regulate her own emotions. With these unhealthy interactions the child begins to internalize toxic shame and believes something must be wrong with them. Otherwise why would my mother treat me like this? This is the beginning of developing toxic shame.
Speaker 1:So then, what's your experience with toxic shame in your childhood? Did you grow up with a shame-based mother? Did she model toxic shame in front of you? It's likely you developed toxic shame. If that happened and it's likely is because toxic shame is multi-generational. So what this means is your mother may have been a shame-based mother. Her mother may have been a shame-based mother. Her mother's mother may have been shame-based, because toxic shame is passed down from generation to generation and, just as Mark Wolynn says in his National Book Award winning book, it didn't start with you. This is inherited family trauma. But while you inherited this toxic shame, this does not have to be the legacy that you leave for your children. You can begin to interrupt this multi-generational cycle of toxic shame. You must heal your own emotional wounds first so you can then nurture the healthy emotional development of your child, and this five-part series is all about helping you do that, and all of our work here at Teen Moms Anonymous is about offering you resources, opportunities and information to heal your own toxic shame first. So this is the first dynamic where a child first develops toxic shame in the family. They grow up with a shame-based parent.
Speaker 1:The second dynamic where a child learns toxic shame in the family system is when a child experiences the trauma of being abandoned by a parent. Abandonment is truly shaming for a child and Bradshaw notes that this abandonment could be that the parent is physically absent, or it could be the parent is physically present but emotionally absent. And either way physically present but emotionally absent, and either way abandonment is shaming for a child. And a child internalizes abandonment and questions their worth like what's wrong with me? I must be the reason they left. They internalize the pain of their mother or father leaving them and this causes toxic shame to develop and they begin to feel flawed and defective as a human being. You know, something must be wrong with me. Why am I not good enough? And they hide the shame in many destructive ways. Because no one wants to talk about shame. And what toxic shame is doing? It's killing us, it's destroying our children's lives, and that's what toxic shame does. And that's what it is it's life destroying. So we have to get to a point where, as Brene Brown says, we're talking about shame because it's influencing the way that we're parenting.
Speaker 1:Abandoned by a parent, it's not just, oh, my father was not in my life, my mother was not in my life. It's what that abandonment does to a child inside. They internalize that abandonment and they can't figure it out. So they stuff and suffocate their emotions, especially if there's no one that they can really share their real, true feelings with. So then their real, true self goes into hiding and what emerges is a false self whereby the child feels that they're flawed and defective as a human being. And we have a generation of young people who have been abandoned, mainly by fathers, but some by mothers, and they are consumed with toxic shame. They're lost, they don't know who they are, they don't know where they belong and, as a father, this is not the legacy you want to leave for your children, parents. We must break this generational cycle of abandoning children.
Speaker 1:John Bradshaw further notes that all forms of child abuse are forms of abandonment. When parents abuse children, the abuse is about the parents' own issues, not the child. This is wise abuse, the same with abandonment. When a parent abandons a child, it's the parents' own issues, not the child. And John Breckshaw continues to write that abuse is abandonment.
Speaker 1:Because when a child, when children, are abused, there's no one there to help them. They are alone and they begin to feel, as Brene Brown describes, that intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that they are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Something they have done, experienced or failed to do makes them unworthy of connection, and this intensely painful feeling of shame feels like a cut deep within, and toxic shame is dehumanizing and it destroys lives. So now, what's your experience with abandonment? Were you abandoned by a parent? Was your father absent? Was your mother absent? Maybe they were physically present, but emotionally absent. If you were abandoned as a child, that trauma has caused you to develop toxic shame. And so this is the second dynamic that happens first in the family system that causes a child to develop toxic shame being abandoned by parents. The third dynamic where a child begins to internalize toxic shame is when a child is repeatedly exposed to shaming experiences like violence and abuse.
Speaker 1:John Bradshaw writes that all abuse and violence induces shame. All abuse contributes to the internalization of toxic shame. He says that some kinds of abuse are more intensely shaming than others. Sexual abuse, he says, is the most shaming form of abuse. It takes less sexual abuse than any other form of abuse to induce shame. This induced shame, as I've said repeatedly, feels like a deep cut inside the person who has been abused stops being their real, true self and a false self emerges. They become a frozen state of being whereby they believe that they're flawed and defective. And John Bradshaw says that physical abuse is second only to sexual abuse in terms of toxic shame. So sexual and physical abuse are the most shaming of all abuse.
Speaker 1:So now consider the research on the experiences of teen moms in terms of their experience with violence and abuse. So let me say, each teen mom has her individual personal story, but teen moms collectively share a tale of violence and abuse. And consider this research that is noted in the award winning book Helping Teen Moms, graduate graduate. Many young women as many as two-thirds who become pregnant as teens, were sexually and are physically abused at some point in their lives, either as children, in their current relationship or both. And a substantial number no fewer than one-fourth, and as many as 50 to 80 percent teen mothers are in violent, abusive or coercive relationships just before, during and after their teen pregnancy. And so, as a teen mom or adult mother who was a teen mom, consider your experience with violence and abuse. Is your story part of that collective story of a tale of violence and abuse, the two most shaming forms of abuse? If so, that induced toxic shame.
Speaker 1:And this kind of abuse is often kept secret, you know, keep it in the family, and this silence and secrecy is all the more shaming for the teen mom and for some teen moms. The research showed that they actually have to remain in an unsafe environment and they are exposed to additional sexual advances. And you know this is also the case because this abuse often happens in the family, with either a family member or a close family friend. So this is the third dynamic where a child develops toxic shame in the family system by being repeatedly exposed to shaming experiences like violence and sexual abuse, whereby they begin to believe that they are flawed and defective as a human being. So now we know all of this how a child develops toxic shame in the family system. So now the question is how do we heal this toxic shame? Where do we begin? The first step is awareness.
Speaker 1:When listening to this podcast, you have just raised your awareness of toxic shame. You now have an awareness that toxic shame is first developed in the family system by way of three dynamics. Child grows up with a shame-based parent. Child is abandoned by a parent. Child is repeatedly exposed to and has the memory of, shaming experiences like violence and abuse. All three of these dynamics cause a child to develop toxic shame. And, as John Bradshaw writes, toxic shame is true agony. So after awareness, the next step is to recognize how you have covered up and hidden your toxic shame, what toxic and life destroying behaviors now are deep inside of you that are showing up in your behavior.
Speaker 1:And so John Bradshaw identifies several hiding places and cover-ups of shame. They include codependency, borderline personality disorder, narcissism, and he says that all addictions at the root of that, of all addictions, is shame. He argues that the core and fuel of all addiction is toxic shame. The addict is driven by the belief that they are flawed. Other cover-ups include perfectionism, striving for power and control, rage, arrogance, people-pleasing and more. And in part two of this series I will discuss these many hiding places and cover-ups of toxic shame. And once we recognize the hiding places and coverups of toxic shame, and once we recognize the hiding places and coverups of shame, we have to expose shame, pull the covers back, bring shame out of hiding and this is how we're going to heal the shame that is binding us. And John Bradshaw writes that the best way to come out of hiding is to find non-shaming intimate social networks. For him it was Alcoholics Anonymous, which he attributes to saving his life. That was his non-shaming intimate network. In our Teen Moms Anonymous ministry, our support groups are non-shaming intimate networks where teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms can come out of hiding and heal their shame. Exposing and healing our shame will be discussed in parts three, four, five of the series. So make sure you listen to the entire series Healing the Shame that Binds you.
Speaker 1:So now my experience with toxic shame and how I've covered up my toxic shame. I have always felt toxic shame. I write that in the preface of my latest book, quentin Moms Graduate, that one of the two most pronounced emotions or feelings that surface when I think of my childhood is toxic shame. The other is emotional distress, which the two are connected. If you feel shame that you're flawed and defective inside, that's excruciatingly painful and that's emotional distress. But as a child I always felt that I wasn't good enough. No one said anything, I just felt that I was not good enough and I could not be my real, true self. I grew up in a shame-based family system. That's what I saw. That was shaming. I didn't have a father that was shaming. I know the repeated violence and abuse and I know having to remain in an unsafe environment. That was shaming. All these three dynamics are involved in a child developing toxic shame. And it first happens in the family system.
Speaker 1:And I'll tell you, I've had to work hard to heal my wounds. I mean, it's been hard work. I'm far enough on my journey now that I can help others. But even still, as I reread John Bradshaw's book Healing the Shame that Binds you and I've had this book for over 15 years because that's how long I've been working on my recovery but even recently, when I read his book and preparing for this podcast, I discovered another hiding place of my toxic shame, and it's perfectionism. Striving to be perfect, is where I have been hiding my toxic shame. But I just realized that it's holding me hostage and that's why I couldn't get anything done. And that's why I couldn't get anything done.
Speaker 1:And the other day, as I was preparing this script, I was sitting on the couch literally having a conversation and I said Chris, stop, stop trying to get this script perfect, stop. What you have is good. Share what you have. Someone doesn't know what toxic shame is. Someone doesn't know what toxic shame is. They don't understand what's behind that internal, excruciating, painful feeling that they have inside that feels like a deep cut. They don't know what that is. So, share what you have. Share what you know. What you have and know is enough. So as I'm preparing these scripts for this series, I'm just having to remind myself and show myself some grace. So, finally, for me, in terms of toxic shame and in terms of the legacy that we leave for our children, I've worked hard to give my son the very best of me and it's been hard these last 16 years.
Speaker 1:And you know, 16 years ago my greatest fear was for my son. I mean, I was frightened for him, a Black boy growing up in America without a father. I didn't know how his life would turn out and it frightened me. But I told someone this last year my son and I are out of the woods. We're in a good place. You know how, if you had surgery or something you know, after surgery it's touch and go. You're not really sure how things are going to go. And then three months, six months later you go to the doctor and he says you're out of the woods, you're good to go. And that's where my son and I are. My son is a good boy. He's respectful, he's kind, and just this semester he's back in public school. Two of his teachers emailed me saying what an awesome student and young man he is.
Speaker 1:And also just yesterday I got a card in the mail from my mother's neighbor. I mean, we grew up in the same community, she's my elder, she's a Ph. D. from our marginalized community and she's so proud that I'm a Ph. D. from our marginalized community. Or recently I was confirmed in the church that she brought me to. And this past Sunday, when my son and I went to take Holy Eucharist, holy Communion, I noticed her out of the side of my eye and she was looking at and beaming with pride. She was looking at me and my son and beaming with pride. And just a few days later, yesterday, I got this beautiful card in the mail from her. And, granted, she she lives one street over, but she's of that school of thought that letters and graduation invitations should be mailed, but this card she got me on the front. It simply says you are amazing. And inside she addresses me. She says Christy, you know, in my community I'm either Chris, Chrissy or Christy. But she says every day you show up, do your best and give it your all, because that's what good moms do. Happy Mother's Day. And then she wrote You are a fabulous mother! Christian will be all right! And I had to hold back the tears because that's been my focus to make sure that my son is all right and he is just as she said Christian will be all right.
Speaker 1:So we all have struggles, we all deal with toxic shame. And once we recognize where our toxic shame is hiding, the next step in processing is to heal our shame, expose it, bring it out of hiding, and I'll talk about that through this series. So, just to wrap things up, there are two types of shame healthy shame, toxic shame. Healthy shame is an emotion boundary. It lets us know our limits. It's a yellow warning light that lets us know we're human, that we have made and will make mistakes. It assures us that we're not God and we need help. Healthy shame is nourishing. It keeps us grounded.
Speaker 1:Toxic shame, shame and vulnerability researcher and author Brene Brown describes as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we're flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Something we've experienced, done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection and that toxic shame is dehumanizing, it's excruciatingly painful, feels like a cut deep and it is destroying our lives. Toxic shame first develops in the family system and it involves three dynamics A child grows up with a shame-based parent, a child is abandoned by a parent and a child is repeatedly exposed to shaming experiences like violence and abuse. Exposed to shaming, experiences like violence and abuse. All of these experiences in a child's life causes them to develop toxic shame and they begin to believe they're flawed and defective as a human being. But there is hope. You can heal your toxic shame. You have to expose it, bring it out of hiding, and John Bradshaw says this is best done in a non-shaming intimate network, and for him it was Alcoholics Anonymous. That was his non-shaming, intimate network that he credits with saving his life. Our Teen Moms Anonymous support groups are a non-shaming, intimate network where teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms can talk about their shame and bring it out of hiding. So this is our show for today. Thanks for listening to our Teen Moms Anonymous podcast. We are a podcast for teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms, especially those who survived violence and abuse. Our focus is on emotional health and wellness, because we know that emotionally healthy mothers are better equipped to nurture the emotional development of their children.
Speaker 1:I'm your host, Dr. Chris Stroble, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous, a ministry for teen moms and women who were teen moms, and the award-winning author of Helping Teen Moms Graduate Strategies for Family, schools and Community Organizations. I hope this information has been helpful to you. If so, send us a message. We'd love to hear from listeners. Share with us your experience with shame. You can email us at info at teammomsA. org. Again, you can email us at info at teammomsA. org, or you can visit our website, teammomsA. org and fill out the contact form. If you have questions or topics you want me to discuss, send those to us as well, and I will address as many as I can in future shows. Finally, we are committed to walking alongside you on your journey of healing your emotional wounds, so stay connected to us. Follow us on social media Instagram and Facebook at Team Moms Anonymous, visit our website, team Moms A and subscribe to our blog and podcast.
Speaker 1:If you're in the Greenville/S partanburg area of South Carolina, you can sign up for one of our local in-person non-shaming support groups. And let me say this right now we only offer in-person, face-to-face support groups. I have had agencies from multiple states contact me about online support groups, but at this time we don't have the infrastructure to ensure the safety of our members, so we can't offer online support groups. When we have that capacity, that capability, then we will and we'll be certain to let you know, and that's another reason to stay connected to us. Again, we want to support you on your journey. Stay connected to us on social media and our website. So thanks for listening to our Teen Moms Anonymous podcast. We'll see the next time.
