Teen Moms Anonymous
Teen Moms Anonymous is a podcast for teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms, especially those who survived violence and abuse. Our focus is on promoting emotional health and wellness because we know that emotionally healthy mothers are better equipped to nurture the emotional development of their children.
Host--
Dr. Chris Stroble, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous, a ministry for teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms, especially those who survived violence and abuse, and the award-winning author of Helping Teen Moms Graduate: Strategies for Families, Schools, and Community Organizations.
To learn more about Teen Moms Anonymous, please visit www.teenmomsA.org
Teen Moms Anonymous
Pt 2 Healing The Shame That Binds You
Trauma changes us in profound ways, forcing our true selves into hiding while protective mechanisms take over. In this powerful second installment of our "Healing the Shame that Binds You" series, Dr. Chris explores the automatic defense mechanisms that emerge when we face severe threats, particularly sexual and physical abuse.
Drawing from John Bradshaw's groundbreaking work, this episode delves into two critical defense mechanisms: disassociation and the development of a false self. When trauma becomes unbearable, disassociation allows victims to mentally "leave" during the experience—a lifesaving but costly survival strategy. Meanwhile, toxic shame forces us to hide our authentic selves behind carefully constructed masks, creating false personas to protect our vulnerable inner child.
Through beautiful recitations of Paul Laurence Dunbar's poems "We Wear the Mask" and "Sympathy," Dr. Chris illuminates the profound pain of hiding one's true nature and the universal longing for authenticity. She shares personal experiences of witnessing violence as a child and how disassociation protected her psyche from unbearable trauma, offering listeners a window into how these protective mechanisms function.
Most importantly, this episode charts a path toward healing. By bringing shame out of hiding in safe, non-judgmental environments, we begin to dismantle its power. Whether through therapy, support groups, or recovery programs, finding communities where we can authentically share our experiences is essential for reclaiming our true selves.
For teen mothers and those who became mothers in their teens, especially survivors of violence and abuse, understanding these defense mechanisms offers a crucial step toward emotional wellness.
Subscribe to our podcast, blog, follow us on social media @TeenMomsAnonymous, or visit teammomsaorg to connect with resources that can support your healing journey.
Hi everyone, thanks for tuning in to our Teen Moms Anonymous podcast. We are a podcast for teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms, especially those who survived violence and abuse. Our focus is on emotional health and wellness, because we know that emotionally healthy mothers are better equipped to nurture the emotional development of their children. I'm your host, Dr Chris Stroble, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous, a ministry for teen moms and adult mothers who were, and the award-winning author of Helping Teen Moms Graduate Strategies for Family, Schools and Community Organizations. Today is part two of a five-part series entitled Healing the Shame that Binds you. Today I'm talking about two automatic, unconscious defense mechanisms that kick in when we face a severe threat. That is shaming, like sexual and physical violence.
Speaker 1:As I mentioned in part one, John Bradshaw notes that the most shaming forms of abuse are sexual and then physical abuse. He notes that all abuse and violence are shaming. Some kinds of abuse are more intensely shaming than others. Sexual abuse, he says, is the most shaming form of abuse. He notes it takes less sexual abuse than any other form of abuse to induce shame. This induced shame feels like a cut deep inside. The person stops being their real, true self and a false, frozen state of being emerges, whereby the person believes they are flawed and defective as a human being. Physical abuse, he says, is second only to sexual violence in toxic shame. So sexual and physical violence are the most shaming of all abuse. When we face a severe threat that is shaming against sexual and physical violence our automatic unconscious survival mechanism kick in, and one primary defense survival mechanism is disassociation. A secondary ego defense mechanism is we stop being our real, true self and take on a false self. Both automatic unconscious defense mechanisms are intended to preserve our life when we face a severe threat that is shaming, again like sexual and physical violence. So this is what I'm talking about today.
Speaker 1:For today and this entire series, I'm referencing John Bradshaw's groundbreaking and classic recovery book Healing the Shame that Binds you. John Bradshaw, who died in 2016, was an American educator, counselor, motivational speaker and author who hosted a number of PBS television programs on topics such as addiction recovery, codependency and spirituality. In this series, as with all our shows, the content is for informational purposes only. If you feel you need to talk to someone, please consult a medical doctor or licensed professional counselor. If you are in an emergency, please dial 9-1-1 or go to your nearest emergency room. So let's get Just a quick review of part one, where I talked about the two types of shame healthy shame versus toxic shame.
Speaker 1:Healthy shame is an emotion, it's a boundary, it's a yellow warning that lets us know our limits, that we have and will make mistakes and that we are not God. Healthy shame is nourishing. It keeps us grounded. Healthy shame transforms into toxic shame when it is no longer a healthy emotion but the intensely painful feeling or experience believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Something we've experienced, done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. That is toxic shame, and toxic shame is life-destroying.
Speaker 1:Toxic shame first develops in the family system by way of three dynamics, and I talked about this in part one Growing up with a shame-based parent, often our mother. One Growing up with a shame-based parent, often our mother. Being abandoned by a parent and repeated exposure to shaming events like sexual and physical violence, the two most shaming forms of abuse. All three of these experiences are shame-inducing and lead a child to develop toxic shame. In part one I talked about how toxic shame is multi-generational. So if you are a shame-based mother, your mother was likely a shame-based mother. Her mother was likely shame-based. Her mother's mother was likely a shame-based mother.
Speaker 1:Toxic shame is passed down from generation to generation and, as Mark Woylnn says in his National Book Award winning book, it didn't start with you. This is inherited family trauma. But, as I said in part one, while you inherited toxic shame, this does not have to be the legacy that you leave for your children. You can begin to interrupt this multi-generational cycle of toxic shame. You must heal your own toxic shame first so you can nurture the healthy emotional development of your children. This five-part series and all that we do at Team Moms Anonymous is to offer you resources, opportunities and information to help you heal your toxic shame first. So this is a brief recap of part one. If you missed that episode, it's available on our podcast.
Speaker 1:The concept of shame goes back to biblical times. Consider Adam and Eve in the garden. Before they sinned, they had healthy shame. Their shame was nourishing. They knew their limits. They knew God's boundaries and what he said. You may eat fruit from the trees of the garden, but you must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it or you will die. Satan deceived and tricked them to push their limits, to cross God's boundaries, and once they did, they experienced toxic shame. This is illustrated in that, when God called Adam, where art thou, Adam's first response was to cover himself up and hide. I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked and I hid myself. That is what toxic shame does. It causes us to want to hide, and just as Adam sought to cover himself up, we as human beings do the same things. We find ways to cover up our toxic shame, and today I'll discuss one primary and one secondary automatic, unconscious defense mechanism to feeling toxic shame, and they are one disassociation and the other developing a false self. A primary, automatic ego defense.
Speaker 1:Bradshaw notes that Freud was the first to clearly define an automatic process used for self-preservation which is activated in the face of a severe threat, that is, shaming against sexual and physical violence. One primary defense mechanism is disassociation. Bradshaw writes that disassociation is the ego defense that accompanies the most violent forms of shaming sexual and physical violence. The trauma is so great and the fear so terrifying that one needs instant relief. Disassociation is a form of instant relief. He notes that an incest victim simply goes away during the experience of violation like a long daydream. The same is true of physical violence. The pain and humiliating shame are unbearable. The victim leaves her body.
Speaker 1:I know this disassociation from a real life experience and you may too. For me, I was five or six when I witnessed severe domestic violence and it was so terrifying and, as John Bradshaw notes, so shaming that I told my therapist one day that it was as if my psyche split. And she said it did split because that violence was outside your window of tolerance and disassociating was your primary self-preservation mechanism, is what actually kept you alive and, as John Bradshaw writes, these automatic, unconscious primary defense mechanisms were the best decisions available to you at the time and they kept you sane. They literally saved your life. That was how I survived in the face of a severe threat that was so shaming physical violence and what I experienced is truly what John Bradshaw describes. The victim leaves her body, and let me reiterate this here in listening to this information, I definitely don't want this to be triggering, but if you feel that you need to talk to someone again, please consult a medical doctor or a licensed professional counselor. So disassociation is a primary ego defense mechanism, is automatic and unconscious and it accompanies the most violent forms of shaming sexual and physical violence and the trauma is so great of shaming, sexual and physical violence and the trauma is so great, the fear is so terrifying that one needs instant relief. Disassociation is a form of instant relief and numbing. John Bradshaw talks about other automatic, unconscious primary ego defenses. If you want to learn more about these primary ego defense mechanisms, John Bradshaw's book Killing the Shame that Binds you is a great resource. I would say that a lot of recovery classics like his book and others. They are not easy to digest. I mean it's kind of like heavy reading. You may need to read these books in chunks, take a break and go back and reread, but once you get it the content is very helpful.
Speaker 1:Taking on a false self Taking on a false self is another way we hide and cover up our toxic shame. Bradshaw notes that with toxic shame, because we experience ourselves as flawed and defective, we cannot look at ourselves without pain. Therefore we must create a false self. The false self is an automatic, unconscious second layer of defense erected to alleviate, he says, the felt sense of toxic shame. So disassociation is one type of primary ego defense mechanism. Taking on a false self is a secondary ego defense, preservation mechanism.
Speaker 1:When we become a false self, who we really are, our inner child, who is alive, spontaneous and free, this person goes into hiding and develops a false self, a cover-up. We begin to wear a mask to hide the deep pain we feel inside from believing that we are flawed. And when I think about our real, true self going into hiding and a false self emerging, I think of two poems, both by Paul Laurence Dunbar we Wear the Mask and Sympathy, and I'll read each of these. I'm going to give a brief context. First, though, Paul Laurence Dunbar, born 1872 and died in 1906, was an American poet, novelist and short story writer in the 19th and early 20th centuries. His parents were both enslaved in Kentucky prior to their being emancipated. Dunbar drew on their stories of enslavement and plantation life throughout his writing career.
Speaker 1:His poem we Wear the Mask is about racism. It speaks to the hidden suffering of Black people who were forced to outwardly appear happy and content, even while experiencing deep pain and suffering, in order to survive a society where their true feelings were not tolerated. They could not be their real, true self. If they express their real, true feelings, there would be severe repercussions. They would face severe and shaming sexual and physical violence to put you back in your place. So we Wear the Mask is about hiding our real, true self and a false self emerges.
Speaker 1:I'm going to read that beautiful poem here. We wear the mask that grins and lies and hides our cheeks and shades our eyes. It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes. This debt we pay to human guile With torn and bleeding hearts. We smile and mouth with myriad subtleties. Why should the world be overwise in counting our tears and sighs? Nay, let them only see us while we wear the mask. We smile, but oh, great Christ, our cries to thee from tortured souls arise. We sing, but oh, the clay is vile beneath our feet and long the mile. But let the world dream otherwise. We wear the mask. That's his poem. We Wear the Mask about hiding our true, real self.
Speaker 1:In his poem, Sympathy, Dunbar is using an extended metaphor of a miserable and defeated caged bird to illustrate the plight of African Americans who were oppressed. The theme is about the soul, murder of the human spirit and not being able to be free, the pain and suffering of not being able to be your real, true self. So I'm going to read Sympathy by Paul Laurence Dunbar, I know what the caged bird feels. Alas, when the sun is bright on the upland slopes, when the wind stirs soft through the springing grass and the river flows like a stream of glass, when the first bird sings and the first bud opes and the faint perfume from its chalice steals and the faint perfume from its chalice stills, I know what the caged bird feels. I know why the caged bird beats his wing till its blood is red on the cruel bars, for he must fly back to his perch and cling when he fain would be on the bow a-swing and a pain still throbs in the old, old scars and they pulse again with a keener sting. I know why he beats his wing. I know why the cage-bird sings ah me, when his wing is bruised and his bosom sore, when he beats his bars and he would be free. It is not a carol of joy or glee be free. It is not a carol of joy or glee, but a prayer that he sends from his heart's deep, poor, but a plea that upward to heaven he flings. I know why the caged bird sings Paul Lawrence Dunbar.
Speaker 1:So these are two poems that illustrate how it feels when you have to hide your real true self and a false self emerges. We wear the mask and, just like the caged bird, we long to be free. So think about yourself. Are you able to be your real true self or are you hiding your real true self and a false self has emerged. Cover up to survive and I shared some data in part one about the negative feelings that many teen mothers experience. That data was from the National Women's Law Center and they have to cover up and hide those, their negative, their true feelings, which can lead to a false, codependent self. So if you didn't listen to that, you may want to go back and listen to part two just to hear that information.
Speaker 1:As a teen mother and adult mother who was a teen mother, if you develop toxic shame, like I did as a child, growing up with a shame-based parent, not having a father and witnessing severe violence and abuse, then, like me, you have brought if you have not brought your shame out of hiding. You're likely living a false self. Maybe you are wearing the mask and you are like that cage bird who is longing to be free. If so, that is hiding toxic shame, and these two poems are to illustrate what it feels and looks like to hide toxic shame behind a false self. So the false self is an automatic, unconscious secondary ego mechanism that protects us when we face a severe threat that is shaming like sexual and physical violence. If you want to learn more about primary and secondary defense mechanism, John Bradshaw's book Healing the Shame that Blinds you is a great resource. So we know all of this. We know a primary ego defense is a disassociation and taking on a false self is an automatic, unconscious process used for self-preservation, which is activated in the face of a severe threat and shaming like sexual and physical violence.
Speaker 1:So how do we heal this shame that is destroying our lives? The first step is awareness, and you have just raised your awareness by listening to this podcast. The next step is to bring shame out of hiding, expose it. Pull the covers back, talk about shame because there's one program saying the only way out is through and another saying is we are as sick as our secrets.
Speaker 1:Coming out of hiding talking about shame. Consider what shame and vulnerability research and author Brene Brown says about shame. Although shame feels isolating, everyone experiences it, with the exception of severe psychopaths. While no one wants to share their insecurities, talking about shame is the only way to diminish its power, because once you know that you're not alone, shame loses its leverage. Brown further contends that we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak it. We've basically cut it off at the knees. It loses its power over us. It can no longer hold us hostage.
Speaker 1:What is critical, however, in talking about shame is where and to whom you expose your toxic shame, and John Bradshaw notes that coming out of hiding is best done in a non-shaming, intimate network. For Bradshaw, Alcoholics Anonymous was his non-shaming, intimate network that he credits with saving his life. For me, Celebrate Recovery was a non-shaming, intimate network that helped me heal a deep hurt and heal something I was very angry about. I went to that Celebrate Recovery 12-step group. It was about eight months and I so look forward to going. I think it was on Tuesday. Every Tuesday night. It was a time for me to take care of me, and when we started there may have been about 30 women in the group and by the time we ended, eight months later, it was maybe about 12 of us, but it was what I needed at the time and it really helped me heal a deep wound that I was dealing with.
Speaker 1:Also, my longtime therapist has also been a non-shaming, small, intimate network for me to expose and heal my hurts without being shamed. She definitely wouldn't shame me and I know a lot of people are opposed to going to therapy center therapists. But I tell you I've been with my long-time therapist for seven or eight years and, wow, I have grown so much in working with her. And she said to me maybe a month ago she said you've done well. I mean, from who I was when I sat in her office the first time, to seven or eight years later, I'm such a freer person I understand myself so much better. So, she, my long-time has been a non-shaming, intimate network.
Speaker 1:Our Teen Moms Anonymous support groups are a non-shaming, intimate network where teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms can talk about their shame and bring it out of hiding. So this is how we heal the toxic shame that is destroying our lives bring it out of hiding, talk about it, expose it, expose the secrets, but do so in a small, intimate network that is non-shaming. So, just to wrap things up, we all feel toxic shame, that intensely painful feeling inside that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love. Toxic shame feels like a deep cut inside. No one wants to talk about our toxic shame, so we find ways to cover it up and hide it. Hiding and covering up our toxic shame is making us sick and it's destroying lives.
Speaker 1:The concept of shame goes back to biblical times, with Adam and Eve in the garden. In the beginning they had healthy shame. They knew their boundaries, their limits. But when they crossed God's boundaries they then experienced toxic shame. Adam's first response was to cover up and hide. I also discussed today one automatic, unconscious primary defense mechanism disassociation. One automatic unconscious primary defense mechanism disassociation and one automatic unconscious secondary defense mechanism taking on a false self, where our real true self, our inner child who is alive, spontaneous and free, goes into hiding and we emerge as a false self.
Speaker 1:I've discussed or read the two poems by Paul Laurence Dunbar, beautiful poems. We Wear the Mask and Sympathy to illustrate the pain and agony of having to hide our real true self and the longing to be who we really are. Another major cover-up that John Bradshaw notes in his book is acting shameless without shame. He gives a lot of different behaviors that illustrate acting shameless, like arrogance, perfectionism, several others that I'll discuss in part three, and also in part three I will discuss the 12-step model that's used in Alcoholics Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery to help people come out of hiding and heal their toxic shame. And that will be in part three of this five-part episode. So this is our show for today.
Speaker 1:Thanks for listening to our Teen Moms Anonymous podcast. We are a podcast for teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms, especially those who survived violence and abuse. Our focus is on emotional health and wellness, because we know that emotionally healthy mothers are better equipped to nurture the emotional development of their children. I'm your host, Dr Chris Stroble, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous, a ministry for teen moms and women who were, and the award-winning author of Helping Teen Moms Graduate Strategies for Family, Schools and Community Organizations. Help this information on automatic and unconscious primary and secondary defense mechanisms that kick in when we face a severe threat that is shaming, like sexual and physical violence.
Speaker 1:I hope this information has been helpful to you. If it has helped you, send us a message. We love to hear from listeners. You can email us at info at teammomsaorg again info at teammomsaorg or visit our website, teammomsaorg. Fill out the contact form. Also, if you have questions or topics you'd like me to discuss, send those to me and I will address as many as I can in future shows. Finally, we are committed to walking alongside you on your journey of emotional health and wellness, so stay connected to us. Follow us on social media Instagram and Facebook at Team Moms Anonymous. Visit our website, teammomsaorg, and subscribe to our blog and podcast.
Speaker 1:If you are in the Greenville Spartanburg area of South Carolina, we offer local in-person non-shaming support groups where teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms can come out of hiding and expose, talk about and heal their toxic shame. We don't offer online support groups at this time. I have had agencies from multiple states contact me by online support groups, but at this time we don't have the infrastructure to ensure the safety of our members, so we can't offer online support groups. When we do have that capability, we'll let you know. And again, just stay connected to us. So when we share that information, you will know. So again, stay connected to us. So so when we share that information, you will know. So again, stay connected to us on social media and, as always, thanks for listening to our team mom's anonymous podcast. We'll see you the next time.
