Teen Moms Anonymous
Teen Moms Anonymous is a podcast for teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms, especially those who survived violence and abuse. Our focus is on promoting emotional health and wellness because we know that emotionally healthy mothers are better equipped to nurture the emotional development of their children.
Host--
The host is Dr. Chris Stroble, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous, a ministry for teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms, especially those who survived violence and abuse, and the award-winning author of Helping Teen Moms Graduate: Strategies for Families, Schools, and Community Organizations.
To learn more about Teen Moms Anonymous, please visit www.teenmomsA.org
Teen Moms Anonymous
Coming Out of Hiding: 12 Steps to Heal our Toxic Shame
Toxic shame—that intensely painful belief that we are fundamentally flawed and unworthy of love—keeps us hiding in the shadows of our lives. For teen mothers and those who became mothers in their teens, especially survivors of abuse and violence, this shame can become the very core of identity, fueling destructive patterns and preventing authentic connection.
In this final episode of our five-part series "Healing the Shame That Binds You," Dr. Chris unpacks three powerful methods for externalization—bringing toxic shame out of hiding where it can finally be healed. Drawing from John Bradshaw's groundbreaking work and her own experience with Celebrate Recovery, Dr. Chris demonstrates how 12-step programs create the perfect environment for shame healing by combining honest social contact with the power of being mirrored and accepted by non-shaming others.
The 12-step journey restores four fundamental relationships broken by toxic shame: our relationship with God or a higher power, our relationship with ourselves, our relationships with others, and our relationship with the world around us. Unlike quick-fix approaches, this healing process takes time and commitment, but offers genuine transformation through its structured pathway from admission of powerlessness to spiritual awakening.
What makes recovery groups uniquely suited for healing toxic shame is their non-judgmental atmosphere. In these spaces, everyone has experienced the agony of toxic shame, creating a sanctuary where you're embraced rather than judged for your struggles. As Bradshaw notes, "As I confessed how badly I really felt, I saw acceptance and love in the mirroring eyes of others...I began to feel like I mattered."
Connect with Teen Moms Anonymous for resources, support groups, and community. Subscribe to our podcast and follow us on social media to continue your journey toward emotional health and wellness. Your healing not only transforms your life but creates a healthier foundation for your children.
Hi everyone, thanks for tuning in to our Teen Moms Anonymous podcast. We are a podcast for teen mothers and adult mothers who were teen mothers, especially those who survived violence and abuse. Our focus is on emotional health and wellness, because we know that emotionally healthy mothers are better equipped to nurture the emotional development of their children. I'm your host, dr Chris Strobel, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous, a ministry for teen mothers and adult mothers who were teen mothers, and the award-winning author of Helping Teen Moms. Graduate Strategies for Family Schools and Community Organizations. Strategies for family schools and community organizations.
Speaker 1:Today is part five of our five-part series entitled Healing the Shame that Binds you, and today I'm talking about healing our toxic shame. And how do we do that? We have to come out of hiding, and in his book Healing the Shame that Binds you, bradshaw identifies 14 methods or ways of coming out of hiding, and today I'll discuss three of those methods. Number one coming out of hiding by social contact, which means honestly sharing our feelings with significant others. Number two, seeing ourselves mirrored and echoed in the eyes of at least one non-shaming person who is part of our new family of affiliation and working a 12-step program. These first two methods are the essence of a 12-step program, because that's what happens in a 12-step program you come out of hiding by social contact, sharing your feelings with significant others, and you see yourself mirrored and echoed with those who are part of your new family of affiliation. This new family of affiliation may be Alcoholics Anonymous Celebrate Recovery, or us Teen Moms Anonymous. Either way, working a 12-step program is a way to come out of hiding and I'm discussing the 12 steps today. For today, in this entire series, I'm referencing the award-winning book Helping Teen Moms Graduate and John Bradshaw's groundbreaking and classic recovery book, healing the Shame that Binds you. John Bradshaw, who died in 2016, was an American educator. You, john Bradshaw, who died in 2016, was an American educator, counselor, motivational speaker and author, who hosted a number of PBS television programs on topics such as addiction recovery, codependency and spirituality.
Speaker 1:In this series, as with all our shows, the content is for informational purposes only. If you feel you need to talk to someone, please consult a medical doctor or licensed professional counselor. If you are in an emergency, please dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. So let's get started.
Speaker 1:Throughout this series, I've discussed the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame. Healthy shame is an emotion, a boundary. It's a yellow warning that lets us know our limits, that we have and will make mistakes and that we are not God. Healthy shame is nourishing and keeps us grounded. Toxic shame is when shame is no longer a healthy emotion but the intensely painful feeling or experience inside of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Something we've experienced, done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. Toxic shame feels like a deep cut inside and toxic shame is life destroying.
Speaker 1:To heal our toxic shame, we must come out of hiding. As long as our shame is hidden, there's nothing we can do about it. In order to change our toxic shame, we must embrace it. Bradshaw quotes an old therapeutic adage which states the only way out is through Embracing. Our shame involves pain. Pain is what we try to avoid In the case of shame. The more we avoid it, the worse it gets. We cannot change our internalized shame until we externalize it, meaning expose it, get it out of us.
Speaker 1:And Bradshaw notes that doing shame reduction work is simple but difficult. It mainly involves what he calls methods of externalization, methods of getting toxic shame out of us. Three methods include one coming out of hiding by social contact, which means honestly sharing our feelings with significant others. Two, seeing ourselves mirrored and echoed in the eyes of at least one non-shaming person who is part of our new family of affiliation. And three working a 12-step program of affiliation. And three working a 12-step program. Working the 12-step program allows us to do both. One and two come out of hiding by social contact, sharing our feelings with significant others. And seeing ourselves mirrored and echoed with those who are part of our new family of affiliation In 12-step programs. Everyone in the group is just like you In 12-step programs. Everyone in the group is just like you. Everyone has experienced the agony of toxic shame and, as such, you are not judged or shamed. Quite the opposite you are embraced for who you are at that moment and supported as you heal your toxic shame.
Speaker 1:For John Bradshaw, he worked the 12-step program with Alcoholics Anonymous, aa, which he credits with saving his life. For me, I worked the 12-step program with Celebrate Recovery, known as CR, which helped me heal a deep hurt. That is Celebrate Recovery's goal to help you heal any hurt, hang-up or habits. You may not be familiar with the 12 steps, so I'm going to read what each step states with a brief explanation, mainly from the perspective of alcohol addiction. Alcohol was John Bradshaw's addiction, but you can insert whatever is your addiction or your hurt, hang up or habit that you're dealing with as a teen mother, an adult mother who was a teen mother especially if you survived violence and abuse, you may likely be dealing with the hurt of toxic shame and possibly even an addiction.
Speaker 1:I do want to mention that Bradshaw argues that toxic shame, that intensely painful feeling inside of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. He argues that that toxic shame is the core and fuel of all addiction, because addiction hides the shame and enhances it and the shame fuels the addiction. And Bradshaw notes that drugs and alcohol are not the only compulsive addictive behaviors. There are other compulsive addictive behaviors such as eating disorders, feeling addictions like rage, sadness and fear. One can have an addiction to shame and guilt, thought and activity addictions, addictions, whatever. The addiction at the core and fuel of them, bradshaw argues, is toxic shame, because the addiction again hides the shame and enhances it and the shame fuels the addiction.
Speaker 1:12-step programs help us heal our toxic shame by bringing it out of hiding. So let's start with the 12 steps. Step one states we admitted we were powerless over whatever the addiction hurt, hang-up or habits, and our lives had become unmanageable. Bradshaw offers a further explanation of this step one, which I'll read from his book. This is on page 125. He says this step one acknowledges the most powerful aspect of any shame syndrome it's functional autonomy. An old adage about alcohol illustrates this man takes a drink, drink takes a drink, drink takes a man. Alcohol, he notes, has its own inherent chemical properties of addiction. Toxic shame is an internalized state which, once internalized, functions the same way as a chemical. The second sentence of the first step underscores the functional autonomy of the compulsive addictive disorders.
Speaker 1:In my own compulsivity support group we often speak of toxic shame as an entity in itself with its own power. In the face of it we are powerless. He says. All recovering persons come to a point, a turning point in their lives, precipitated by the pain of their addiction. Pain made me aware of my powerlessness and unmanageability. I had to embrace my shame and pain. In my own case, the pain had become so agonizing that I was ready to go to any length. Embracing my pain led me to expose my pain, sorrow, loneliness and shame. This is what I had feared doing for so long as I confessed how badly I really felt. I saw acceptance and loved in the mirroring eyes of others as they accepted me. I began to feel like I mattered. I began to accept myself. So that is what step one is all about. We admitted we were powerless over whatever the addiction hurt hang up our habits, and that our lives have become unmanageable. That's step one. The second step asks us to reach out to something greater than ourselves. It states we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Speaker 1:When discussing step two, bradshaw references the fall in Genesis, and I discussed this in the prior episodes, but here's a brief recount. Before Adam and Eve sinned, they had healthy shame. The biblical account actually says they were not ashamed. Their shame was nourishing. It was a boundary, it was a yellow warning that let them know their limits and God's boundaries, what he would and would not allow. You may eat fruit from the trees of the garden, but you must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden and you must not touch it or you will die.
Speaker 1:Satan deceived and tricked them to push their limits, to cross God's boundaries, and once they did, they experienced toxic shame. This is illustrated in that when God called unto Adam, where art thou? Adam's first response was to cover himself up and hide. I heard that voice in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself. That is toxic shame, and toxic shame makes you want to hide and cover up. And just as Adam sought to cover himself up, we as humans find ways to cover up our toxic shame. And I mentioned many cover-ups in the first three episodes of this series. If you missed those, they are available on our podcast. You may want to go back and listen to them. Miss those? They are available on our podcast. You may want to go back and listen to them. But to heal our toxic shame we must come out of hiding. 12-step programs are a safe, non-shaming, intimate network where you can come out of hiding.
Speaker 1:In referencing the fall in Genesis, bradshaw notes that four relationships were broken by Adam's toxic shame. Number one, the relationship with God. Two, the relationship with self. Three, the relationship with brother and neighbor Cain kills Abel. And four, the relationship with the world nature. The 12 steps restore those four relationships. They lead to a spiritual awakening. And this second step that states we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, starts this restoration with God by accepting something greater than ourselves. The third step states we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. As we understand God, bradshaw acknowledges that, while there is a conscious mention of God as the higher power, a conscious mention of God as the higher power, it is left up to each person to decide how he understands God. This is, in most 12 steps. The difference, however, with 12-step programs and networks like Celebrate Recovery and us Teen Moms Anonymous, those who participate in our programs acknowledge their God as Jesus Christ, because both of these programs are Christ-centered. So, referring back to the first relationship that was broken as a result of Adam's toxic shame, the relationship with God, bradshaw argues that these first three steps restore the proper relationship between ourselves and the source of life.
Speaker 1:Step four states we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. In this step we begin the restoration of our relationship with ourselves and our neighbor, the second and third broken relationships suggested in the story of the fall in Genesis. Let me say this is just what step four states. This step involves a lot of work and takes time. Much goes into making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, and it takes time. Strongly advise that members get a sponsor. A sponsor is a person who hopefully has some quality emotional health and is working a healthy program. A sponsor serves as a model and offers firm guidance in helping one work their own program. Finding a sponsor is a whole process, though, and that takes time. So this is just what step four states Working. This step takes time. So this is just what step four states Working. This step takes time. It's not a quick fix. To illustrate this, my Celebrate Recovery 12-step program lasted eight months, and if you want to learn more, most 12-step programs have on their websites lots of information and you have the option of attending an interest meeting. If you go to Alcoholics Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery's website, you can put in your zip code and meetings and locations will pop up With us.
Speaker 1:Teen Moms Anonymous. We are a ministry that I founded because I knew it was needed and it was a vision that God gave me, but we are not at the point of Alcoholics Anonymous or Celebrate Recovery yet. We don't yet have the 12 steps set up in our support groups. What we do offer is what I'm able to provide and it's great content here on our podcast, our blog and our social media. This content provides information on how to come out of hiding and heal your toxic shame. Our support groups are a safe, nonjudgmental space where teen mothers and adult mothers who were teen mothers can begin to come out of hiding, expose and heal their toxic shame.
Speaker 1:So I started this discussion by saying step four involves a lot of work and takes time. Much goes into making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and it takes time. Steps five, six and seven state that we admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. This is step five and this is where we come out of hiding within the group. Step six states we were entirely ready to have God remove all defects of character. This is an act of faith. And step seven says humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. And Bradshaw notes that these steps five, six and seven restore us to ourselves, which was the second relationship that was broken by the fall, our relationship with self.
Speaker 1:Steps eight and nine are remedial steps. They state we made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends. That was step eight. And step nine says we made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. And again, this step involves a lot more. You have to work through what is called false guilt versus true guilt. You may feel guilty in some way if you were abused, but if you were abused as a child, that was not your fault and you don't have anything to make amends for. A child is never at fault when there is abuse, and Celebrate Recovery does a great job of making this distinction. I remember that clearly. But again, this is to illustrate that this is sharing. What step? What these steps state? There's a lot more involved and working. Each step takes time.
Speaker 1:Steps 10, 11, and 12 deal with the third relationship that was broken as a result of the fall our relationship with other people. These are the steps which help us maintain these restored relationships. Step 10 says we continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. Step 11 says we sought, through prayer and meditation, to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. Step 11 continues and deepens our bond of mutuality with God, and step 12 announces that a spiritual awakening is the goal and product of the 12 steps.
Speaker 1:And Bradshaw writes about this on page 131. He writes step 12 moves us to carry the message to our brothers and sisters who are still hidden behind the mask of toxic shame. This step calls us to practice the spiritual principles of rigorous honesty and service toward others in all our affairs. It asks us to put our bodies where our mouths are, to practice what we preach and to walk the walk as we talk the talk. It asks us to attract others by modeling a life of self-discipline, love and respect. As we model our restored relationships with God self, our neighbors and the world, we can show others that there is a way out, there is hope, and so these are the 12 steps. I hope this gives you clarity and more insight into how 12-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery work. So just a quick recap.
Speaker 1:To heal our toxic shame, we must come out of hiding. As long as our shame is hidden, there is nothing we can do about it. Embracing our shame involves pain. Pain is what we try to avoid In the case of shame. The more we avoid it, the worse it gets. We cannot change our internalized shame until we externalize it, expose it, get it out of us.
Speaker 1:I mentioned that Bradshaw notes that doing shame reduction work is simple but difficult. It mainly involves what he calls methods of externalization. Bradshaw notes that doing shame reduction work is simple but difficult. It mainly involves what he calls methods of externalization, ways to bring shame out of hiding, and I discussed three today, three that are really wrapped up into one and they are number one, coming out of hiding by social contact, which means honestly sharing our feelings with significant others. Number two, seeing ourselves mirrored and echoed in the eyes of at least one non-shaming person who is part of our new family of affiliation. And three, working a 12-step program, and working the 12-step programs allow us to do one and two Come out of hiding by social contact. We share our feelings with significant others in the groups and we see ourselves mirrored and echoed with those who are part of our new family of affiliation. And a loving manner.
Speaker 1:In the 12-step groups everyone is just like you. I know with Celebrate Recovery even there are groups for men and then groups for women. They're separated, which I think is a great idea, but working the 12-step program allows you to come out of hiding. Everyone is just like you. Everyone has experienced the agony of toxic shame and, as such, you are not judged or shamed. Quite the opposite, you are embraced for who you are at that moment and support it as you heal your toxic shame.
Speaker 1:For Bradshaw, he worked the 12-step program with Alcoholics Anonymous AA, which he credits with saving his life. For me, I worked the 12-step program with Celebrate Recovery, known as CR, which helped me heal a deep hurt. That is CR's goal to help you heal any hurt, hang up or habits. I also mentioned Bradshaw's reference to the fall in Genesis and he notes that four relationships were broken by Adam's toxic shame the relationship with God, the relationship with self, the relationship with brother and neighbor Cain kills Abel and the relationship with the world nature. The 12 steps restore those relationships. They lead to a spiritual awakening.
Speaker 1:I gave just a brief overview of the 12 steps. A lot goes into each step and working the program takes time. It's not a quick fix. When I worked the 12-step program with Celebrate Recovery, we met weekly for about eight months. So the process takes time but it works if you work the program and it's worth it. And finally, I mentioned that you may have heard of 12-step programs but did not have a clear understanding of how the programs work. I hope, going over today each of the 12 steps, as well as the goals of the 12 steps to restore relationships and lead to a spiritual awakening, I hope this gives you more clarity and insight into programs like Alcoholics Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery. I hope this was helpful.
Speaker 1:So this is our show for today. Thanks for listening to our Teen Moms Anonymous podcast. We are a podcast for teen mothers and adult mothers who were teen mothers, especially those who survived violence and abuse. Our focus is on emotional health and wellness, because we know that emotionally healthy mothers are better equipped to nurture the emotional development of their children. I'm your host, dr Chris Strobel, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous, a ministry for teen mothers and adult mothers who were teen mothers, and the award-winning author of Helping Teen Moms Graduate Strategies for Family, schools and Community Organizations. I hope this information has been helpful to you. If it has send us a message, to let us know, we love to hear from listeners. You can email us at info at team moms aorg again info at team moms aorg or you can visit our website, team moms aorg. Fill out the contact form. If you have questions or topics you'd like me to discuss, send those to me and I will address as many as I can in future shows. Finally, we are committed to walking alongside you on your journey of emotional health and wellness, so stay connected to us. Follow us on social media Instagram and Facebook at Team Moms Anonymous. Visit our website, teammomsaorg, and subscribe to our blog and our podcast.
Speaker 1:If you are in the Greenville, spartanburg, south Carolina area, we offer local, in-person, non-shaming support groups where teen mothers and adult mothers who were teen mothers can come out of hiding and expose, talk about and heal their toxic shame. We don't offer online support groups at this time. I've had agencies from multiple states contact me about online support groups, but at this time we don't have the infrastructure to ensure the safety of our members, so we can't offer online support groups. When we have that capacity, that capability, we'll let you know. So, again, stay connected to us on social media. Subscribe to our blog and our podcast and, as always, thanks for listening to our Teen Moms Anonymous podcast. Subscribe to our blog and our podcast and, as always, thanks for listening to our Teen Moms Anonymous podcast. We'll see you the next time. I will just battle them right. I got the victory. I got the sweet, sweet victory in Jesus For me. He died, but he rose on the third day. That's why I choose to.
