Teen Moms Anonymous
Teen Moms Anonymous is a podcast for teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms, especially those who survived violence and abuse. Our focus is on promoting emotional health and wellness because we know that emotionally healthy mothers are better equipped to nurture the emotional development of their children.
Host--
The host is Dr. Chris Stroble, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous, a ministry for teen moms and adult mothers who were teen moms, especially those who survived violence and abuse, and the award-winning author of Helping Teen Moms Graduate: Strategies for Families, Schools, and Community Organizations.
To learn more about Teen Moms Anonymous, please visit www.teenmomsA.org
Teen Moms Anonymous
Understanding Trauma's Lasting Impact on Teen Mothers
We explore the tale of violence and abuse prevalent in teen mothers' lives and explain how unhealed trauma continues to affect adult mothers physically, emotionally, and mentally decades later.
- Nearly two-thirds of teen mothers experience sexual or physical abuse at some point in their lives.
- Traumatic experiences leave imprints on the nervous system that persist even when "out of sight."
- Trauma is overwhelming and terrifying, causing us to protect ourselves through shock, denial, or dissociation.
- Some people suffer more than others due to differences in traumatic events, individual makeup, and spiritual responses.
- Hidden trauma may be repressed or normalized but still affects the nervous system and overall functioning.
- Healing involves facing painful emotions but leads to integration that makes suffering finite rather than lifelong.
- You can't change what happened, but you can change trauma's imprint on your body and mind
Email us at info@teenmomsA.org or contact us via our website teenmomsA.org with questions or topics you'd like discussed. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook @TeenMomsAnonymous and subscribe to our blog and podcast to stay connected on your healing journey.
Hi everyone, thanks for tuning in to our Teen Moms Anonymous podcast. We are a podcast for teen mothers and adult mothers who were teen mothers, especially those who survived violence and abuse. Our focus is on emotional health and wellness, because we know that emotionally healthy mothers are better equipped to nurture the emotional development of their children. I'm your host, Dr. Chris Stroble, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous, a ministry for teen mothers and adult mothers who were teen mothers, and the award-winning author of Helping Teen Moms Graduate Strategies for Family Schools and Community Organizations for family schools and community organizations.
Speaker 1:Adult mothers who experience the tale of violence and abuse that is so prevalent in the lives of teen moms often don't want to talk about the violence and abuse in their past. Their stance is it's in the past, I've let that go, I've forgiven that person. I'm not going to keep talking about what's in the past. It is understandable you wouldn't want to talk about the violence and abuse in your past, but if you haven't taken decisive steps to heal from those traumatic experiences, it's not just in the past. It's showing up in your life today as a 40-year-old, 30, mother. It's showing up specifically in your nervous system and in your mind. The way you think. Contrary to what one might think, out of sight is not out of body and mind. Understanding what trauma is will help you understand this, and this is what today's episode is about. First, I'm going to trace the tale of violence and abuse that is so prevalent in the lives of teen mothers. Then I'm going to discuss the impact of these traumatic events by discussing what trauma is. Why do some people suffer more than others? What about hidden trauma out of sight? And finally, I'm going to discuss the way out of sight. And finally, I'm going to discuss the way out of our suffering. For today I'm referencing the award-winning book Helping Teen Moms, graduate, by yours truly, and Jasmin Lee Cori's book Healing from Trauma, which is all about understanding your symptoms and reclaiming your life. In today's episode, as with all our shows, the content is for informational purposes only. If you feel you need to talk to someone, please consult a medical doctor or a licensed professional counselor. If you are in an emergency, please dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. So let's get started.
Speaker 1:A tale of violence and abuse. A tale of violence and abuse. Each teen mom has her individual story, but teen mothers collectively share a tale of violence and abuse. This on interpersonal violence and adolescent pregnancy. The report notes that number one many young mothers and many young women as many as two thirds who become pregnant as teens or sexually, and are physically abused at some point in their lives, either as children, and their current relationships are both, and their current relationships are both A substantial number. No fewer than one-fourth, and as many as 50 to 80 percent of teen mothers are in violent, abusive or coercive relationships just before, during and after their teen pregnancy.
Speaker 1:Younger teen girls are even more likely to be victims of violence and abuse than older teens. For example, one study found that younger teen girls are especially vulnerable to coercive and non-consensual sex. Involuntary sexual activity was found in 74% of sexually active girls younger than 14 and 60% of those younger than 15. The report notes that it's important to remember that the actual prevalence of violence and abuse in the lives of teen girls may be higher than this data indicates. This is because victims, partners and families often do not disclose violence or abuse in their lives, so it is frequently underreported. The report further notes that teen mothers later may experience emotional and psychological damage that makes them especially vulnerable to coercive and violent partners when they leave home as teens, they may be depressed and self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. On page 16 of Helping Teen Moms Graduate, it is noted that a number of studies suggest that teen mothers experience significantly higher rates of depression both prenatally and postpartum, that is, before and after their teen pregnancy. Among teen mothers, the rates of depression are estimated to be between 16 and 40 percent. Another study of African-American adult women who became teen mothers found a twofold increase in depression 20 years after the birth of their first child, and that's really astounding. So this illustrates the collective tale of violence and abuse so prevalent among teen mothers and the long-term impact.
Speaker 1:In her book Healing from Trauma, Jasmin notes that these bad things that happen have the kind of wallop that they do because of their traumatic nature. It will help you to understand this if you know more about trauma. What is trauma? Trauma is, by nature, terrifying and completely overwhelming. Something is happening that you can't control, and it feels big enough to destroy you. Jasmine notes that, in fact, your awareness that you are in danger is an essential ingredient of trauma. It is the perception of a direct threat to your life, well-being or sanity that marks trauma. Sigmund Freud recognized this when he said that in trauma, a person feels completely helpless and ineffective in the face of what is perceived to be overwhelming danger. If you zoom in closer, you'll see how things unfold when we experience traumatic events like violence and abuse.
Speaker 1:When something traumatic happens, it is more than you can take in and integrate. You lose your capacity to deal effectively with a situation. You may even lose the sense of yourself as a solid, coherent person. You have to protect yourself from what is too much, so you find some way to cut off, whether through shock, denial, repression, disassociation or freezing. Afterward you may or may not remember the event, but by overwhelming you it changed your physiology, your nervous system. It has changed your experience of yourself and your world. No wonder you feel different after traumatic experiences like violence and abuse. Rather than this experience of being overwhelmed being temporary, it becomes a more permanent background feature, it becomes a footprint. Trauma leaves an imprint in your nervous system. It leaves tracks in the body.
Speaker 1:Jasmin notes that the kindest response to having gone through something like this is to accept the fact that you experienced a very disorienting blow. You've been knocked off your feet and it's not quite as simple as getting up again. Some things have been fractured that need to be healed. Out of sight is not out of body and mind. The violence and abuse may be in the past, but if you have not healed, it is showing up in your body, your nervous system and your mind, the way you are thinking. Like many teen mothers and adult mothers who were, you may be living with trauma-related disorders like post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, depression, anxiety, addiction, eating disorders and more. These and other trauma-related disorders will be discussed in an upcoming show.
Speaker 1:Why do some people suffer more than others? The question of why some people suffer more than others has been around for a very long time and there are a number of responses. Jasmine notes that there is not one simple answer to this question. What happens to us is different, we're different and we may have different reasons for being on the planet, and this speaks to the three basic explanations that she offers of why some people suffer more than others. One, there are differences in traumatic events. They're not all the same. Two, there are differences in our individual makeup and resources. And three, there are differences in our spiritual and philosophical responses. Differences in traumatic events Not all traumas are created equal. Different traumas at different ages and in different circumstances have different effects.
Speaker 1:On page three of Healing from Trauma, Jasmin offers some general principles. One if you were able to do something in the moment, you will be less shattered than if you were not able to do anything. If you were very young, you are more vulnerable and had fewer resources to help you cope and recover. Therefore, you will likely have more scars. Think of yourself as a young teenage girl who experienced violence and abuse. You were more vulnerable and likely have more scars. If someone you know, and especially someone you love, was the cause of the trauma, that is even more shattering to your worldview and sense of safety than if loved ones were supporting you after the traumatic event. Betrayal of the element of betrayal and the injury to your sense of trust and self-worth this type of trauma leaves the most scars. The worst trauma is felt as being deliberately and maliciously inflicted in such a relationship and the very worst is by a parent. Again, think of your experiences. Was your abuser someone you knew, a family member, a parent? These experiences leave the most scars.
Speaker 1:Exposure to trauma that is repeated rather than a one-time event is more disabling. Traumatic events that are unpredictable have a greater impact. Think if you endured domestic violence. Your partner may have been unpredictable. You didn't know when he would become violent. Also, violation by another person is always worse than impersonal trauma. Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, ptsd whereas a larger proportion closer to half will develop such symptoms after a sexual assault, captivity and torture are right at the top of the scale. Again, think of the two-thirds of teen mothers who were sexually and are physically abused at some point in their lives, either as children and their current relationships, or both.
Speaker 1:That kind of trauma gets stuck in your nervous system. That has to be healed. Your nervous system has to be reset and finally, having help available generally will mitigate the impacts of traumatic events. Help during the event and also support after are crucial factors in determining how significant the long-term effects will be. Think of the long-term impact when violence and abuse are kept a secret. There's a saying we are as sick as our secrets.
Speaker 1:Jasmin notes that it would be nice to believe that anything could happen to us and we could bounce back. You may wonder how come so-and-so can recover from a major misfortune while I seem to crumble under much smaller dose of trauma. This, she notes, leads to the second major reason why some people suffer more than others. Leads to the second major reason why some people suffer more than others. We don't have the same makeup or response to traumatic events because we're not made the same. This is a reference to what is called our stress response system, which is impacted by the kind of attachment or emotional bond we form in our first relationship with our primary caregiver. I have written about this attachment on our blog and in her other book, the Emotionally Absent Mother, jasmine devotes an entire chapter to attachment because it is so critical to a child's emotional development. So the second major reason why some people suffer more than others is we don't have the same makeup or responses to traumatic events because we're not the same. We're not made the same.
Speaker 1:Some people were lucky and received lots of loving care when they were first forming and their development was able to proceed smoothly. They got plenty of good experiences contributing to a strong initial sense of love, mirroring and touch. They were securely attached to their caregivers and therefore feel a basic stability in their own being. Some therapists believe that healthy bonding in early childhood is the best buffer against the painful long-term effects of traumatic experiences. There are a number of reasons this bonding and initial foundation was weaker. Jasmin identifies several reasons, but whatever the cause, she notes, for those with a weaker foundation, their sense of self, emotional health and life skills have been compromised, weakened. And finally, the third major reason why some people suffer more than others is our spiritual and philosophical responses to what happened to us Hidden trauma.
Speaker 1:Jasmin then turns her attention to talking about hidden trauma. Just as we may be unaware of an impingement on a nerve, even though that impingement is inhibiting our functioning, we can be strongly affected by events like violence and abuse and yet not be able to recognize why we feel and act the way we do. In both cases, something is affecting us, but it is outside our conscious awareness. It is hidden. It is outside our conscious awareness. It is hidden.
Speaker 1:Trauma may be hidden, she notes, under several circumstances. One is when the trauma has been repressed. And since some of our most devastating traumas are repressed, Jasmin writes this is a major problem. If you don't remember living in a house where incest was a periodic but ongoing occurrence, you have no idea why you never feel safe, even though there's no obvious threat. You may not even recognize this background feeling because it's all you've lived with. Yet, as she writes on page seven of Healing from Trauma, your nervous system is set based on your experiences.
Speaker 1:Out of sight, again, is not out of body and mind. Trauma gets stuck in your body, in your nervous system, and this is why Jasmin notes later in her book that part of healing from trauma is resetting your nervous system. Another circumstance in which trauma is hidden is when you live in a social environment that is trauma blind, that fails to see or wants to diminish the importance of certain events. This could be based on denial or repression in those around us, or it could simply be their willed intention efforts to minimize our discomfort. They don't want us to hurt, and they don't want to be exposed to our hurt, because then they feel some of it too. In such an environment we are encouraged to put behind us whatever bad things have happened. But again, out of sight is not out of body mind. The silent imprint of that traumatic or those traumatic events are still there, skewing your system, your nervous system.
Speaker 1:I think of one teen mother who told her grandmother that she was being abused by her uncle and nothing was done to stop the abuse. She had to remain in that unsafe environment where she was exposed to additional sexual abuse. She became pregnant as a teenage mother at 15. In another case, the teen girl told her mother that her boyfriend was her mother's boyfriend was abusing her and her mother did not believe her. Later the mother's boyfriend got her pregnant at 14 and nothing was done about it. In both cases, the adults turned a blind eye to the trauma these two young mothers experienced and nothing was done.
Speaker 1:Regarding hidden trauma, Jasmin notes that, on a more collective scale, a trauma-blind culture may dismiss certain events as unremarkable. This is true when some forms of interpersonal violence are taken as standard. It may be beating a child or wife, sexual contact between parent and child, marital rape. Although such events may not be, quote remarkable, meaning something to be noted as unusual to the culture group there, are nevertheless remarkable to your nervous system. She references the popular author and therapist John Bradshaw. I did a series on his book, Healing The Shame That Binds You, but he brought this to public consciousness when he described how, for a child, an adult is like a giant five times their size. Imagine if a giant were standing over you red face and eyes bulging.
Speaker 1:Jasmin concludes discussing hidden trauma by noting that, as she will explain, or as she explains later in her book Healing from Trauma, any traumatic experience, whether it is visible or invisible, imprints the nervous system, which serves as our primary register for trauma. It is what happens in the nervous system, our responses to the perceived threat, that determines if something is traumatic or not. It is helpful, she writes, to acknowledge events that may have imprinted you in this way. Think for a minute of your experiences with violence and abuse. It is helpful to acknowledge those events and how they affected you. They may have imprinted your nervous system. Will it always be like this? We've all heard the saying life goes on.
Speaker 1:But Jasmin notes that, for those who are caught in trauma, the sad truth is life doesn't simply move on away from these undigested events without some help. Imprints of trauma follow you everywhere. Imprints of trauma follow you everywhere, leaving you never simply here and now. The present is always being influenced by the past, like a computer virus infecting everything it comes in contact with. It takes time for the body-mind to right itself, to let go of the mechanisms and unconscious forces that hold those terrifying imprints close to us, and it takes time for the nervous system to be reset. It's a big job, she notes a very, very hard assignment, and I agree, but it's not impossible. It's important for you to know that you may always have certain sensitivities, but most of the symptoms that plague you can know that you may always have certain sensitivities, but most of the symptoms that plague you can be resolved. There's life beyond trauma. Two kinds of suffering.
Speaker 1:Jasmin concludes chapter one of her book Healing from Trauma by explaining that there are two kinds of suffering you should know about. One is the suffering caused by what happened, the violence and abuse you experienced, the betrayal, the injury, which includes the suffering of living with those experiences and with the symptoms that resulted from them. If you're lucky, the suffering may decrease in time, although for those who suffer with full-blown trauma syndromes, it tends not to. Some of the suffering is actually the result of the strategies we use to try to avoid the real pain of what happened and ways we put ourselves into quote checkmate, trying to stay safe. She then acknowledges that when we commit ourselves to healing, we open up to a different kind of suffering the pain that is part of the healing process. This is the pain that was too overwhelming to feel before. It's the pain we blocked during the traumatic events and the pain that arises when we feel the full impact of trauma. When we feel the full impact of trauma.
Speaker 1:Traumatic events like the violence and abuse so prevalent in the lives of teen mothers are like thieves that take something precious from us. It may be a lost childhood, lost health, loss of certain dreams, loss of trust or loss of confidence. There are many possibilities and we're not limited to just one. And, as I read in the book, the Courage to Heal some things can't be retrieved. Graduating from high school can't be retrieved. Child birthing years can't be retrieved, and you have to grieve this In the healing process. Jasmine notes we grieve these losses In the healing process. Jasmin notes we grieve these losses. We feel the pain of the lonely child waiting for love and finally giving up. We open to the terror we felt just before the violence and abuse. We open to the helplessness and to the rage, to the body sensations, to the hatred, to all of it. It can be really, really painful. I agree. If handled skillfully, jasmine notes that this suffering becomes therapeutic. We heal. If not handled skillful, we can drown in it.
Speaker 1:Throughout her book Healing from Trauma, she talks about the task of healing so you won't drown in it. She talks about how to choose the right helpers, like a trauma therapist. She talks about what types of intervention different types of therapies might be helpful to you. She talks about tools for dealing with trauma, tools for living spiritual issues and how to know when you have healed. If you want to learn more about healing, her book Healing from Trauma is a great resource. Also here.
Speaker 1:I just want to reiterate again that if, listening to any of our episodes, you feel you need to talk to someone, please consult a medical doctor or licensed professional counselor. If you are in an emergency, please dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. We want you to keep yourself safe. Is it all worth it? You may wonder if the second kind of suffering involved in healing is worth it, and some may decide that it is not. Yet we often do not get out of the first suffering without it, and for many that suffering makes it very hard to function in life or certainly to have a full life. As I open with as a 20, 30, 40 year old mother, if you have not healed, you may be living with trauma related disorders like post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, eating disorders. I'll discuss these trauma-related disorders in an upcoming episode. Jasmine is an incest survivor and toward the end of chapter one, she shares part of her own journey of healing.
Speaker 1:For me, the pain of healing was very hard to bear. It was sharper in many ways than the earlier pain, but it was finite and it passed. The pain that preceded it, in contrast, would likely have gone on for the rest of my life. It may have been intermittent and oftentimes more dull, but it had an undermining effect. That early pain, the suffering I had not yet come to terms with, had many hidden costs. I remember very clearly, she says, when I decided I had to do something different. I was hiking with a friend and noticed that I held a bitterness under the surface. The bitterness was familiar, but I had not specifically noticed it before. The last thing in the world I wanted was to be a better person. So I went home and surrendered to the pain that had heartened into that bitterness. The surrender was a turning point for me. I cried nearly every day. It was part of letting up the emotional component that had been only partially present in much of my earlier recovery of memories and the beginning of a deeper grieving for my losses. The crying itself did not resolve things for me, but it was part of what prepared me for what came later, when the opportunity presented itself to really cleanse the wounds with a qualified trauma therapist.
Speaker 1:She ends chapter one as she opened, acknowledging that stuff happens. She says it a little different. It happened to her, it happened to me, it happened to you. It can embitter and traumatize us for the rest of our lives or we can slowly integrate it, moving through its pain as we become simultaneously softer and stronger, wiser and less cynical. You didn't choose what happened, but you can choose your path now.
Speaker 1:So, just to wrap things up, when it comes to adult mothers who experience the tale of violence and abuse that is so prevalent in the lives of teen moms, teen mothers often they don't want to talk about the violence and abuse of their past. Their stance is it's in the past. I've let that go, I've forgiven that person. I'm not going to keep talking about what's in the past. It is understandable that you don't want to talk about the violence and abuse in your past, but if you haven't taken decisive steps to heal those traumatic experiences, it's not just in the past. It's showing up in your life today, as a 20, 30, 40-year-old mother. It's showing up in your body, your nervous system and your mind. The way you think, contrary to what one might think out of sight is not out of body and mind. Today I trace the tale of violence and abuse that is so prevalent in the lives of teen mothers. I explain that these bad things that have happened have the kind of wallop that they do because of their traumatic nature, and it helps to understand this if you know more about trauma. I discuss what trauma is.
Speaker 1:Trauma is, by nature, terrifying and completely overwhelming. Something is happening that you can't control and it feels big enough to destroy you. In fact, your awareness that you are in danger is an essential ingredient of trauma. It is the perception of a direct threat to your life, well-being and sanity that marks trauma. When something traumatic happens, like violence and abuse, it is more than you can take in and integrate. You lose your capacity to deal effectively with a situation. You may even lose a sense of yourself as a solid, coherent person. You have to protect yourself from what is too much, so you find some ways to cut off, whether through shock, denial, repression, disassociation or freezing. Afterward you may or may not remember the event, but by overwhelming you it changed your physiology, your nervous system. It has changed your experience of yourself and the world. No wonder you feel different after traumatic experiences like violence and abuse.
Speaker 1:Jasmin notes that the kindest response to having gone through something like this is to accept the fact that you experienced a very disorienting blow. You've been knocked off your feet and it is not quite as simple as getting up again. Some things have been fractured that need to be healed. I discussed today why some people suffer more than others. Jasmine offers three reasons. What happens to us is different. Not all traumas are equal. We're different, our stress response systems are different, and we have different spiritual and philosophical responses to what has happened to us.
Speaker 1:I talked about trauma that is hidden. Though it may be out of sight, it is not out of mind. Trauma gets stuck in your body, in your nervous system. It leaves tracks, footprints in the body, and part of healing from trauma is resetting your nervous system. Finally, I shared the hope that things don't always have to be the way they are. You can heal. You can't change what happened, but you can change its imprint on you, on your nervous system. This will not happen automatically, but it can happen if you give yourself over to the process of healing. So this is our show for today.
Speaker 1:Thanks for listening to our Teen Moms Anonymous podcast. We are a podcast for teen mothers and adult mothers who were teen mothers, especially those who survived violence and abuse. Our focus is on emotional health and wellness, because we know that emotionally healthy mothers are better equipped to nurture the emotional development of their children. Host Dr. Chris Stroble, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous, a ministry for teen mothers and adult mothers who were teen mothers, and the award-winning author of Helping Teen Moms Graduate Strategies for Family, Schools and Community Organizations. I hope this information has been helpful to you. If it has helped you, send us a message to let us know.
Speaker 1:We love to hear from listeners. You can email us at info@ teammomsa. org or via our website, teammomsA. org. Fill out the contact form. If you have questions or topics you'd like me to discuss, send those to me and I will address as many as I can in future shows. Finally, we are committed to walking alongside you on your journey of healing, so stay connected to us.
Speaker 1:Follow us on social media Instagram and Facebook at Teen Moms Anonymous. Visit our website, teenmomsA. org, and subscribe to our blog and podcast If you're in the Greenville Spartanburg area of South Carolina. We offer local in-person support groups where teen mothers and adult mothers who were can begin to talk about what they experienced and heal from the violence and abuse in their lives. Currently, we don't offer online support groups. Agencies from multiple states have contacted me about online support groups, but at this time we don't have the infrastructure to ensure the safety of our members, so we can't offer online support groups. When we have that capability, we'll let you know. This is another reason to stay connected to us. Follow us on social media, subscribe to our blog and podcast and continue to listen to episodes of our podcast. So again, thanks for listening to our Teen Moms Anonymous podcast. We'll see you the next time.
