Manhood Tribes

Helping Men Be Their Best ft. Ben Derrick

• Don Ross • Episode 16

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Welcome to the Manhood Tribes Show! In this episode, host Don Ross concludes an insightful interview with Ben Derrick, a renowned men's coach and counselor. 

Ben, who specializes in working with men from various backgrounds, particularly those with military experience, shares valuable advice on overcoming hardships, dealing with gender identity crises, feeling trapped or stuck, combating loneliness, and confronting thoughts of giving up. 

Get ready for some profound wisdom that tackles the core issues men face today. Don't forget to check out how to connect with Ben Derrick for personalized coaching and counseling.

00:00 How Manly Are You? Quiz
00:51 Welcome to the Manhood Tribes Show
01:36 Interview with Ben Derrick Begins
02:21 Addressing the Question of Manhood
05:41 Feeling Trapped or Stuck
10:42 Dealing with Loneliness and Isolation
16:17 Confronting Extreme Despair
20:17 Conclusion and Next Steps

Want to know how you measure up as a man? Take our free quiz, called How Manly Are You? and learn how you can get better at being a man. Download for free at manhoodtribes.com/manly.

Don Ross:

Guys want to know how you measure up as a man? I've got a great resource for you. It's called how manly are you? And it's a free quiz that you can take to figure out how you stack up against what it means to be a man. And when you take the quiz, you'll also get some free resources to help you figure out how you can get better as a man in the areas where you would like to grow. So go to manhoodtribes.com/manly to download your free. How manly are you quiz today? That's manhoodtribes.com/manly.

All right guys, welcome to the manhood tribe show. My name is Don Ross. I'm your host. And today we are going to finish up our interview with Ben Derrick. Ben is a men's coach and counselor, a former pastor, and just an all around badass guy. He works particularly with guys with a military background, but is available to work with all men from all walks of life. And today you're going to hear him give a little bit of insight as it relates to men at different places, dealing. Dealing with different hardships and the things that we as guys are just facing in our day-to-day lives. You're going to hear him be able to address how we as men might be able to overcome some of the big obstacles that we're facing. So I know you're going to enjoy this final part of our interview. Let's jump into it with Ben Derrick.

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

All right. I know, time is pressed for both of us. So I want to kind of, finish out this part of the interview by, picking your brain a little bit and your experience as a mental health professional, just a guy who works one on one with guys. And have you speak to the guys who are listening a little bit, just to talk to some of the guys who might be watching, listening, kind of paying attention, and relating to them with where you're at. So. What I want to do, if you're okay with it is just throw you some scenarios and say, you know, here's a guy who's dealing with X, Y, Z, what would you say to them? So are you cool with that?

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

Does it matter if I say no,

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

Do you have a choice? Not really.

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

let's do it. Let's do it. Yeah.

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

So, okay, let's, let's start with kind of where we started with this conversation in terms of thinking about manhood. So let's say there's a guy out there who's listening and he is just really like wrestling with this question of, am I a man? How would I know if I am one, like what, what do you say to a guy who's wrestling with his, uh, sense of manhood that way? And maybe that takes the form of, you know, some kind of what we would these days call gender identity crisis. Um, but maybe it doesn't, you know, not necessarily doubting that he's male. Um, but really kind of wrestling with, am I a man, how would you speak to him?

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

Yeah, that's a, that's actually one that I sit with a lot. It's never really that direct though. Like as men, we don't walk through the front door with that question. We don't even like crawl through the window. We come through the back door and this happens like maybe eight sessions and as I'm sitting with a guy and that's like the real question. Um, but believe it or not, I would meet that question with the question because it helps that man establish a voice. And I do it very compassionately. I'm not, I'm not trying to judge, but I would ask a very direct, direct question. What do you think is causing you to ask that question? Why do you feel like you were experiencing confusion about that? Because the truth is I could lay over a yes or absolutely, or come on, of course you are like, let's figure out how to act like one, but if that really deep soul question isn't engaged, then I'm just committing the same crime that someone else has committed over you by never allowing you to find your own voice to initiate in front of a man and, and answer that question. And most often when I get to that as well, I don't know. And then I say, well, let's start at the beginning. Tell, tell me about growing up. Tell me about your experiences. And as the man starts to roll out his story, it's pretty amazing how the details of this man's life convince him in the beginning. Yes, that he is, but that the enemy has moved in in some circumstance and robbed that knowledge or belief from him. And then we focus on that. Um, to be able to tell a man if you're questioning whether you're a man or not, because of some things that happened between the ages of 15 to 18, that is the worst version of you that will ever walk the planet. Right?

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

God.

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

that's right. That's right. So we've got to be able to exercise a charitable interpretation over those events in our lives. So I hope that you're hearing the inherent complexity in that question. And what we're longing for is an absolute definitive. Yes. Thank you. Let me move on. That's a Western mindset approaching this very deep life question. I think you have to be able to sit and. Be uncomfortable for a moment with another man to try to search for those answers and how I try to be a guide Not an answer man

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

No, that's really good. Uh, it is complex and it's worth taking some time to, uh, kind of crawl through that complexity. So that's really good. All right. What about, and this is, um, this is probably a, uh, maybe more common scenario in our world today. What would you say to the guy who is feeling trapped or stuck? And maybe that's by like some kind of problem, addiction, vice, you know, whatever that he's gotten himself into and can't find his way out. Or maybe it's just, you know, uh, midlife is hard and it doesn't seem to be moving forward in any positive direction. And he feels stuck, you know, slash trapped in his career and his family. And. Things that at one point in time in his life, he would have said he really, really wanted. And now it's kind of going, what's the point of all this? And is, is there any good here? What would you say to that guy? Who's, who's kind of feeling trapped and stuck.

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

Yeah, this, as you can imagine, happens a lot as well. People don't, um, come to sit down with someone like me unless usually unless something has really pushed them to do so. Uh, so what we have to do in this situation, and I hope there are thousands of men listening in this scenario, because this is going to be freedom, whether they sit down with, with somebody like me or not, um, your problem is not the problem. Is the first thing I tell these guys, they sit down like, Oh, my wife's the problem. Oh, the porn's the problem. My job's the problem. Money's the problem. Like, this is the thing that's keeping me up at night. Uh, I feel stuck. I feel trapped. And they start describing all these things that are making them have that feeling of the walls closing in on them. And I said, man, that that's not. That's not the problem. You know, um, this is a story that's too long to tell, but I tell the guys that they've lost their shadow. They don't know their essence. They are transparent. So the things around them are setting the agenda for their lives because they don't know themselves. And then I say, and that's okay. It's okay that you don't know yourself. Don't judge yourself. This isn't a room or a conversation full of judgment, but we have to take our focus off what we have previously identified as the problem and move it towards getting to know our self because we have created the reason why these things are suffocating us is because we've created a void or a vacuum around us that other things have started to fill in. And as we start to learn ourselves and learn our stories and take our feed and establish who we are as men, then we can start pushing those things back, the things that should be pushed away. You know, one of the most dangerous things that's happening today in our society is that men believe that they can just change wives or spouses. They'll fix their problem. It never works. It never works because you're the same dude in that second and third marriage that you are right now, you

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

Yeah. The thing that need changing needed changing was not that.

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

Yeah. I mean, you're the common denominator, but you don't know yourself. So in a much more caring way, we're just in podcast format right now. I say, uh, you know, that, that's not the problem. The problem is you don't know yourself and I can help you with that. So let's start there, you know? You get, you have to, uh, search and work for sobriety. Sure. But we have to figure out who you are because the reason you're so connected to these other things and codependent upon these other things is because they have told you who you are for so long. You don't know who you are without them. So that, that stuckness, um, starts with an inward journey.

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

That's good. I, I had a buddy that, uh, not too long ago, um, made some financial decisions that were just kind of, you know, unwise and kind of, you know, got himself into some debt, made some, uh, just kind of, I won't say irresponsible, but just kind of like naive, uh, sort of financial decisions and got into some trouble there. Um, you know, it put his family in kind of a difficult situation and. Uh, you know, he, he was talking to me about it and just saying, like, my wife has been yelling at me and just like, you know, how could you do this? And how did you not know? Yada, yada, yada, all this kind of stuff. And so he's, you know, he's just like feeling the pain of finances, you know, like the problem is finances and he just doesn't know what to do. And then he said, uh, something like, I feel like that there was this class in adulting that. Everybody else took at some point in time and I never got to take. And it was like, okay, bingo. Like now we're talking about something, you know, like it's, it's not the finances. It's that place where you still feel like a boy, you know, like you still feel like a boy trying to live in a man's world. And that really kind of goes back to the first question that I asked, you know, like, what do you say to a guy who doesn't feel like he's a man? Well, it's like, you know, it's those kinds of places that expose for us that we're not, we're not. We don't know what it means to be a man. And if we'll sit with that long enough with other men, we can get there, but it, it doesn't happen by, like you're saying, by just trying to deal with the thing that feels the most painful at the moment.

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

it's a hard lesson, but definitely true. I mean, that's the path to healing for

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

Yeah. Okay. All right. Let me ask you about, uh, since we've talked so much already about community and relationships, what would you say to the guy? And statistically speaking, this is probably a lot of men out there. Uh, what would you say to the guy who is feeling lonely and isolated at the moment, who just, you know, kind of hears us talking and thinks, I don't have a person in the world that I could have those kinds of conversations with. And I don't even know how I would get started. Trying to find that. And frankly, I don't have the energy or the desire to figure that out. You know, like I'm miserable, but I don't know how to get out of my misery. And, uh, yeah. What would you say to the guy who's feeling that kind of lonely and isolated?

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

Yeah. Well, the first thing I would tell them is I get it, bro. Like, I get it. Men have been hiding for a very long time. Very long time and I'm not going to judge you for being isolated, for finding yourself in a place of isolation, for being more comfortable with digital relationships than in person relationships. I mean, I get it. It's not your fault, but it's also not the way that you're built. It's not what you were designed for. Um, and as far as a place to start, I would say, well, why not contact Don? Right. I mean, Don's put himself out there. He's doing recordings and podcasts and is connecting men all across the country. Like that's an easy thing. Shoot an email, man. If you knew how many stories in my area have changed from a text message or an email, but the thing that you have to do, and this is my point of challenge, cause I may be going to. Uh, challenge the isolated man. You have to be honest. You have to be willing to say this scares the hell out of me, dude, but I'm sending you a text message to say. I'm just tired of staring at these four walls I don't I don't know. I don't even know what to do like help. Can you help you know? Well, I don't have any of those people. Okay. Well, there are people out there putting themselves out there digitally That are doing all sorts of awesome things online and they will get you to a place You know what I would caution against is making your first text message or first call or email to a church That's what I would caution you with. I would caution you to go towards a movement that is doing things that's talking about authenticity, genuineness, curiosity, connection. That doesn't have any skin in the game except for helping you Progress as a man, we can approach the church stuff later. And I'm look, I'm praying that men infiltrate the efforts of the church more and more and more. Uh, but that's not the place to start for the guy. That's incredibly isolated, uh, reaching out to someone who's doing things like you're doing, uh, reaching out to me. I mean, I would be more than happy for you to put my contact information wherever this episode is going to land. And we can figure out how to get a man to safety, how to get them to safe harbor where they're. Other people that are ready to welcome a man who's coming out of isolation.

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

Yeah. Uh, that's really good. Yeah. Guys, if that's you, if that's you listening, uh, we are going to have contact information in the show notes. Um, so look for that and, and reach out. You can reach out to me. You can reach out to Ben, or if you're aware of something in your area that you want to reach out to, that's more local to you than do that. But, uh, yeah. Courage. It's one of the marks of manhood that we talk about here regularly. And, uh, you, you won't overcome loneliness without some courage. So muster it up and do what it takes just to send that first email or text message. I think that's great. Um,

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

is courage? Really? I mean, in the end, is it, we have defined courage as displaying strength, but I think courage in my life today is admitting weakness. that's that's courageous. The other is hubris. Like I can fake strong every day of the week, man, but you, you want me to talk about my weaknesses and you know, that's one of them. I'll tell you my number one weakness right here on camera. Are you ready for this?

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

Let's hear it.

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

It's all up to me. That, that is, that is my message, my core belief. It's up to me. And I have caused so much carnage in my life, believing that it's my job to straighten it up before I walk out of the front door so that I can be who I'm supposed to be. That's my number one message. And why am I saying that on camera? Because I have to, I have to be open about that message because if I don't every day, I'm going to slide back to that place, right? So if you think when you, when you go to the right show up place, you're going to run into men that are willing to say those kinds of things. And you're going to think, thank God I did this, right? I'm not so lonely anymore and I'm not as different as I thought I was.

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

Yep. Oh, that's exactly right. Look, the, the core message that I wrestle with there is, uh, is so similar. You know, mine tends to be, uh, that I'm on my own, you know, I'm all alone. Uh, I'm going to have to figure things out for myself. Uh, it's, you know, it's the, the same song, different verse of what you're saying. And the, the irony of it is, is that once we finally start talking about the fact that that's the thing that we most wrestle with, we all kind of go, Oh, you too, you know, this thing where I thought I was all by myself, you're dealing with the same thing. Yeah.

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

That's a cool moment when that happens. Like, Oh my gosh, you too.

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

it takes us longer than it should. Right. But, but Yeah, we can

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

All the women listening are like, uh, yeah, thanks for finally figuring this out.

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

Yeah. Way to clue in guys. Uh, okay. So last question to the guy who, you know, maybe could have been dealing with any of the things that we've talked about so far, you know, feeling stuck, feeling lonely, feeling trapped, whatever. Um, but it's just gotten so whatever the situation is for him, it's gotten so extreme that he's just feeling like, I don't even know if I can keep going. Maybe I'm just done. Maybe it would be best for me to check out. What would you say to that guy?

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

in my work with the military and the special forces community, I have this conversation quite a bit, believe it or not, some of the most courageous men on earth. And we get down to this conversation quite a bit. Uh, the first thing I say is don't you dare make a permanent decision in a temporary situation. Uh, that act of taking your own life, there's no taking it back. And the second thing I say is it's not solving really anything. Uh, you think it's going to solve all the pain that you're in. Uh, but it doesn't solve it. It just passes it along to the people that love you. And there are people that love you. Uh, so if you're thinking about checking out, are you thinking about giving up? Know that every man finds himself in that place multiple times through his story, uh, and the ones who triumph and don't give in to that feeling because they are connected and because they are curious, accomplish some of the greatest things we've ever seen in humanity and not the things that are celebrated by the world, but there is hope. Um, The Bible teaches very clearly that it's hope that has gone unmet. That's what makes the heart grow sick. So I would say the inverse of the problem this man is in is that there is a hope deep within him that's gone unmet. And I want to see where that hope takes him. And I would love to help guide that man to that hope. So I get it, man. I mean, I've, I've had days where I've thought about, Okay, how much life insurance do I have and what are the rules around that? You know, that's just a real thought that men have. So you're not the only guy having that thought. But I would tell you, you as a man, and I'm speaking directly to the guys that are listening right now, you as a man have a gift to give to the world, if not multiple, and we will be less than if you aren't here to share that with us. Uh, your story has an end, but it's not an end that you design. And I believe that every man has the potential to affect great change and good in the world, even if they don't believe it at the time, even the men who are listening right now who don't believe it at the time, and most of these men, and I know because I've been there, are there because they're carrying such. Such a huge weight of shame in their life over things that they have happened to or things that have happened to them. And there is healing available for that shame. Uh, shame is self hatred at my expense and the ultimate cost, the ultimate expense would be suicide. It's not an answer. The answer is the shedding of that shame, but you can't do that on your own You've got to have other men to offer that to you Yeah,

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

uh, I think we'll leave it there and I'll say to you, man, thank you for sharing your life and your passion and your faith and your experience and expertise with us. Uh, we're better for it as men. So thanks for coming on today.

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

Well, thank you, man. You've, uh, you've been that role for me a lot of my life. Like, hey, man, come on. We got to get moving.

don-ross_1_05-29-2024_150531:

Yeah, absolutely.

ben-derrick_1_05-29-2024_140531:

appreciate you. I love you very much. I'm, I'm deeply grateful for your influence in my life and the things that you're doing for the men, uh, of this country and for the world. Keep at it.

All right. Well, I know you probably got as much out of that interview as I did. Ben is an amazing guy with a tremendous amount of wisdom. And if you would like to find out more about how you can connect with Ben and see if he might be able to help you out as a men's coach or counselor, you can find him online@benderrick.com. That's been Derek D E R R I C k.com. And in the meantime, next week here on the manhood tribe show, we're going to begin a whole new series, which I am really excited about. So stay tuned next week. I'm going to tell you all about this new series and what problems it's going to help solve for you and your life as a man, I'm looking forward to it and I'll see you then.