But I Don't Have Any Friends

In this episode of the Manhood Tribes Show, we explore the vital need for adult men to make close friends and how challenging it can be. Our host Don discusses practical steps and strategies to help men build deep, meaningful friendships as men navigate adulthood. 

We dive into the importance of proximity, finding like-minded individuals through hobbies, fitness activities, and even joining church groups. We also cover the necessity of intentionality and how asking the right questions can cultivate authentic connections. 

Join us as we embark on this journey to form our own 'tribe' and improve our overall well-being.

00:00 The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult Man
00:39 Introduction to the Manhood Tribe Show
01:33 The Importance of Male Friendships
03:27 Why Men Struggle to Make Friends
06:09 Practical Steps to Building Friendships
08:55 The Role of Hobbies and Activities
12:24 Leveraging Fatherhood for Friendships
14:07 Church as a Social Hub
16:03 The Power of Intentionality
19:17 Building Deep and Meaningful Connections
22:58 Conclusion and Next Steps

Want to know how you measure up as a man? Take our free quiz, called How Manly Are You? and learn how you can get better at being a man. Download for free at manhoodtribes.com/manly.

Transcript

0:01

Guys. When was the last time that you made a new friend? I'm not just talking about a work colleague. But somebody who's close enough to you and that you actually spend time with who you could consider them a new friend. For most guys, if we're honest, we might have to think all the way back to like college or maybe even high school. And that's because as adult men, we kind of lose the art of making friends. But as men, we need close friends around us. So we're going to talk today about what it takes to actually make friends as adult men. Let's jump into the manhood tribe show.

Don Ross: 1:00

Guys want to know how you measure up as a man? I've got a great resource for you. It's called how manly are you? And it's a free quiz that you can take to figure out how you stack up against what it means to be a man. And when you take the quiz, you'll also get some free resources to help you figure out how you can get better as a man in the areas where you would like to grow. So go to manhoodtribes.com/manly to download your free. How manly are you quiz today? That's manhoodtribes.com/manly.

1:34

All right, guys. Welcome back to the manhood tribe show. My name is Don. I'm your host here at manhood tribes. And gosh guys, this feels like this is a really significant topic that we are covering today here on the manhood tribe show. And one that honestly, I don't hear a lot of other men talking about. We hear a lot of guys talking about the fact that men are struggling these days, too. Have friends to make friends to just be in a world where male friendships even exist. We hear that kind of stuff all the time in new psychological studies or from therapists who are coming out saying that men's mental health is really at risk because they don't have friendships. Look, all these things are real. These things are true. But what I don't hear a lot of people talking about is, okay, so what the heck are we going to do about it? Like, how do we actually get to the place of having those close friends around us? That's what we're trying to talk about in this series that we are doing right now on the manhood tribe show, which is really all about how to build close friends around you as a man. Now we kind of established in the last episode, why we even need to do that? Why we even need to have a tribe of men around us. We need a group of close male friends to help give us some context for how we deal with the hard things in life, how we deal with ourselves so that we stop making such hard, difficult situations in our lives, but also just how we have some fun. We need guys around us in order to be the best men that we possibly can be. We need to stop taking it for granted that we just don't really need friends. We actually do. We need friends and we need to get back to prioritizing friends as a significant part of our lives. But. For most men, if I were to say, okay guys, like you need to really go prioritize the close friendships in your life. You need to make sure that you're building those up and investing time into them. And you need to really have this tribe of men around you. If I say that to most guys, they look at me and, you know, just whether they say it with words or not, their expression kind of communicates like. I don't really have any friends. I certainly don't have close enough friends that I could build something like a tribe with. Maybe I've got one friend who's really close. Maybe. But it also could be a guy that like, I've not talked to in a really long time and we used to be close. And I'm just kind of assuming that if I called him in an emergency, like, he'd be there for me, but I wouldn't say that we're actually close today. That characterizes more guys than you would believe. It's just not a thing for most guys that we have those kinds of close friendships in life. And when we stopped to think about it, like we kind of go, who would those friends even be? Most guys don't have enough men around them on a regular basis. That they could build close friendships with. I mean, when we stopped to think about it, as we move into adulthood, our circles really kind of get a lot smaller. We go from school age where we're in proximity to a whole lot of people in our same age and stage of life to then entering into adulthood and especially into the workforce. Where we're around people of different ages and different stages of lives. We're around less people in general. The number of people that we work with is probably way less than the number of people we went to school with. And on top of that, as we move into adulthood, we start to build families. Many of us. I began to have wife and have kids and the time and the flexibility for being able to invest in friendships just starts to go way down. And so as guys. Friends kind of fall out of our lives. And we even kind of lose our ability to make and keep friends as we get older. So it's no surprise that guys are really struggling in this area. It is hard to make and keep friends as an adult, man. Okay. I'm just going to say it. It's hard to making, keep friends as an adult, man. You don't need to beat yourself up over the fact that you don't have friends. You don't need to let the mental health experts intimidate you and make you feel like somehow you're failing at life because you're not doing the things that you need to, as it comes to friendship. But I am going to say to you, you do need those friends around you. Okay. Enough of that though. We've established that. Well, you need those friends. What are you going to do to get him? How are you going to go about building those kinds of close? Guy friendships when you're not even really around enough guys, to be able to build those friendships, let alone some guys that you would want to build that kind of close friendship with. Okay. So what do you do? Like if you're just thinking about it, how would you go about finding some guys that you would want to be friends with? How would you go about cultivating some friendships that could become deep and lasting tribe, kind of friendships. Let's talk about that today. We're going to cover a few things that will help you be able to get there that I'm. I'm hoping we'll be really practical for you. Now, listen to me, I'm going to tell you this. It's gonna take some work. Okay, it's gonna take some work for you as an adult man to build new and lasting friendships. It just doesn't happen naturally in our culture anymore. If you're expecting it to happen to you. You're just going to be waiting for a long time. You are going to have to take the initiative to actually pursue the kinds of friendships that you want in your life. No one else is going to do it for you. And the culture around you. Isn't going to actually enable environments where that's going to happen for you. So you're going to have to create those kinds of things. You're going to have to pursue those kinds of things. And you're going to have to be the one to make this happen. It's not as hard as you might think, but it is going to take some work. And I want you to be able to count the cost on the front end, to just know. This is going to be a little difficult at times. It might even be a little awkward. It's probably going to take longer than you would like it to take. Okay. It's not going to happen in the next week, but all of a sudden you're going to have a group of best buds. It's going to take a little while and it's going to take a little work. That's okay. You're a man you're capable of doing that. So, what is it that you need to do? There's really two things that we need to talk about when it comes to building new friendships as an adult, man, the first is proximity. Proximity just means like you need to get around some guys. You need to get around some like minded men who you might have the opportunity to actually build friendships with. The thing about guys and the way that we do friendships is that more often than not friendship is built around activity. This isn't necessarily the same for women. They can build friendships around just about anything, but as men, we tend to build friendships around activity. We like to do something together. Now that's not the only thing that we might have in common with our friends, but it very often is the place that we start and our friendships. So you need to think about how you can get around some men where you're doing something. In common. Okay. So first and foremost might just simply be, you need to develop a hobby. If you don't have any hobbies outside of work and family. You need something else going on in your life? That's just to be a well-rounded human being. Okay. You need more to your life than just those two things. So think of something that you're interested in and figure out how you can devote some time to it. In a way. That actually gets you interacting with other people. One of the easiest examples for a lot of guys is in the area of fitness. Okay. It's pretty common thing. Guys liked to work out. Guys liked to go to the gym. Guys, liked to run guys liked to, you know, whatever, something in the realm of physical fitness we like to be active. And so finding a way to get involved with exercise, lifting weights. You know, you name it. It's not that hard to do. But what is a little bit harder to do is to do it in a way where you're interacting with others. It's all too common right now to just go show up to the, you know, neighborhood monthly membership gym, put in your earbuds and crank out a dumbbell workout without ever talking to interacting, or even bumping into somebody there at the gym. It has really become an isolated and almost private activity to the point where it kind of like, we don't want anyone to interact with us when we're at the gym. Okay. That's a problem. Now, maybe that's how you like to work out, but that's not going to be a way that you're going to build friends. So you've got to find some way of creating a hobby for yourself that allows you to interact with others. If you like fitness and you want that to be something that you interact with others around, then switch up your workout routine instead of just your regular gym workout, like try going to a bootcamp style workout or to something like CrossFit or join a running club, or, you know, you name it. There's all kinds of ways that you can get involved in more of class style kind of fitness programming that allows you to interact with others who might be interested in the same things that you're interested in. Maybe even be kind of in the similar. Similar agent stage of life, that urine it's a great way to get around other like-minded guys. But it doesn't have to just be fitness. It can be anything that you want it to be. It can be woodworking. It can be handwriting. It could be board games. It could be food. I mean, you name it. Like the possibilities of hobbies are endless. You just have to figure out what's something that you're interested in. And how can you get around some other people who are also interested in that same thing too? Okay. Ideally, it would be great if it's something that's in your town or in your area that other men are doing, and it would be easy for you to kind of meet up with them, check out online meetup kinds of things, check out Facebook groups, check out different things that are going on in your area to just see like, You know, what's out there. What could I do? How could I get around some people and just go, you've got to get out the door. You got to show up to something that you've never shown up to before. And just be willing to take a little risk, be a little awkward, have it be a little embarrassing. I promise it's not going to kill you. It might be terrible. And you maybe never go back and that's all right. You won't have wasted more than about an hour of your life doing that. But it could be great. It could open a door for you that you didn't know was possible, and then allow you to begin to create something that's really, really good there. Okay. So hobbies are probably the easiest way to begin to develop that. Another easy way to begin to develop that is if you're a guy who has kids, if you're a dad just finding things to do with your kids, that other dads might be showing up to as well, that could be sports teams. That could be going to a park that could be weekend camping trips. That could be something like trail life or Scouts that they're involved in. That can be any number of things where dads are showing up around their kids. Okay. You're naturally going to be there. Anyway, you're going to have some dads who were invested in their kids as well, invested in similar things that you're invested in. And so because of that, it's a fairly easy way to be able to just start making some social interactions, start just finding time to have a regular conversation with somebody who, you know, is going to show up to the next ball game or who you might see at the camping trip this weekend, or, you know, any kinds of things that you can come up with. Like, those are ways to be able to interact with, uh, your kids, your kids' friends, dads, basically, you know, just ways of being able to get to know them. Maybe you live in a neighborhood where there's a lot of kids and you. You could create some kind of activity where all the kids come over on a Saturday and bring their dads and y'all do like a. Uh, you know, cookout and slip and slide kind of thing. Who knows, you know, you come up with the idea, you create it. The point is like you take some initiative to be able to say, I need to get around other dads because that's going to help me be able to do something that I love doing anyway, which is investing time in my kids. But then I'm going to find other guys who want to do the same kind of thing. When you've got some common interest, that's one of the easiest ways to be able to build some friends. Okay. A third thing that you can do for just getting some proximity to some like-minded guys. And this one might surprise you is check out a church. Okay. Now a lot of you guys listening to might already be guys who were involved in church, and this may come as no surprise to you, but some of you guys I know are listening and going, uh, church. Like that's the last place that I want to go to get around some guys. Right? Aren't those guys weird and they're awkward. And they just talk about things that I don't want to talk about. And they're like, It's like sappy and too nice. And maybe they talk about politics that I'm not really comfortable with and what, you know, whatever, whatever your hangups are about church. That's fine. I'm not actually suggesting that you have to buy into the whole belief system or anything about the church. Okay. You don't have to do that at all. In fact, you don't even have to go to the church on a Sunday. What I'm suggesting for any of you guys, is that churches regularly do things for men. And it's an easy way to be able to get around some other guys. So look for things like a men's breakfast or a men's cookout. Or a men's camping weekend or, uh, gosh, I mean, there's all kinds of things. You could look for a church men's whiskey and cigar night. Yeah. Believe it or not church guys like whiskey and cigars too. Okay. So like there's ways to be able to find opportunities to get around guys and churches are intentionally trying to create them. So go Google that, go look in your area for different men's church activities and see if you can be a part of, one of them. Join up with a church pickleball league and meet some guys. They're like, there's all kinds of things that you could do to be able to get some proximity to other guys. And that's the point, get around other like-minded men and just start interacting. You got to expand your social circle a little bit, and those are some of the easiest ways to do it. Okay. So I said there's really two big things. Proximity. That was the first big one. We've covered that. The second big thing that we need to talk about is intentionality. Okay. Now look, I said, this was going to be hard. It was going to take some work on your part. And this is really where the work begins to come into play. Now that you've got some proximity and you've spent some time around some guys, hopefully getting to know some of them, at least a little bit, that you can kind of start to tell a. I kinda like that guy, like, he seems a little bit like me. We share some interests. He's not hard to talk to. We laugh about some things in common. Like I kinda like him, or maybe you're even kind of figuring out like, uh, that guy's kind of awkward. I'm not sure I would want to spend any more time around him. That's okay. That's what, that's, what proximity is all about is figuring out some of those things. But as you figure them out, and as you start to identify maybe a few men that you think I'd like to get to know him a little better, I could see myself being friends with that guy. It's time to actually start to make that happen. You're going to have to be intentional with a few men to try to get more regular and intentional kind of contact with that guy. So in particular, what you might want to do is just see if, Hey. Uh, I'm would just love to like, go grab a beer with you if you're up for that sometime, or, Hey, what's your work schedule look like? Do you ever have lunches free? Could we go grab a lunch sometime together and look like it might sound a little awkward at first because maybe you've never done that before, or maybe he's never done that before, or when you say it, it might sound like you're like, is this a date? Like, am I asking this guy out on a date? No, you're not asking them out on a date. You're just going to hang out with a guy. It's just that that's kind of an unusual thing. And as men. And we've sort of lost the ability to know how to do that, but it's not all that unusual to just go to lunch, like have fun going to lunch and talking about whatever you want to talk about. Okay. You're just trying to get intentional time. Around some of the guys that you think you would enjoy spending time with. And if you kind of already know you would enjoy spending time with him, he probably already knows that too. And having lunch together, isn't going to seem weird. That's going to seem fun. So just ask you, just need to ask and try to create opportunities for that. Or if that seems a little weird. Uh, maybe you could just try to create another opportunity for some kind of activity that you all could do together. So if you're already involved in fitness, like maybe you say, Hey, would you want to sign up for this race with me? Is this something that we could do together? Or if you're involved in woodworking it's Hey, I've got this project that I really want to work on. Would you want to do it with me? I could really use an extra set of hands, like. Anything like that, that allows you to create some intentional time with that guy so that you can spend, you know, extra hours with him getting to know him, finding out about who he is. Just enjoying time together. That's the way that men build friendships. Okay. Work on that kind of intentionality. Put yourself out there. It's going to take a little bit of risk. He might think it's totally weird. He might say absolutely not. I don't want to do that, but more than likely, he's going to say, sure. Let's find a time. And then you're off to the races. You're actually starting to build some meaningful friendships. Now when you get together, it might really come naturally for you to be able to just, you know, kind of strike up conversation and talk about whatever you're talking about and whatever you want to talk about. And that's great. If it's an easy conversation, it's an easy conversation. If it's not, and you're having a harder time with it, you probably want to think through ahead of time, some things you might want to ask and talk about because here's the thing. During that intentional time. What you don't want to do is just have a bunch of small talk. Okay. Even, and especially if you go do something like an activity together, You don't want it to just be about the activity. Okay. It's kind of the equivalent of like, you know, when you would go on a date in middle school or high school and you would go to the movies with the girl and it's kind of like, well, I went on a date with her, but I didn't actually get to know her. Okay. This is not dating, but it's kind of the same thing you're trying to figure out is this the kind of guy that I would actually want to build a lasting friendship with. And if all you do is go to a race together and have fun. Uh, you don't necessarily know that by the end of your time together. So you gotta be able to create a little bit of intentional conversation, maybe that happens in the car ride to the race, or, you know, after you've wrapped up the project that you're working on, whatever it is, you give yourself some space to be able to ask some questions that help you get to know him more than just like. You know, where do you work and how long have you lived in the area? Those are great, small talk conversation kind of questions, but you want something a little more significant than that? And you could say like, Hey, one of the things I'm trying to do at the moment is just actually get to know some guys a little bit better. I know that I'm not doing a great job of that. And so I wanted to, you know, just spend some time with you. And one of the things I've kind of been asking myself lately is how do I feel like I'm doing at life? And I'm kind of curious how you feel like you're doing it life. I just ask, it might sound weird. It might sound a little awkward, but you've asked it and now he's probably going to answer unless he just thinks you're an absolute doofus and which in case you don't ever have to spend any time with him again, he might say. Uh, fine, I guess. And then you're kind of left with like, okay, well, where do I take it from there? We'll just ask a follow up question as well. Like, what's one thing that you feel like you're doing great at. And one thing that you're doing not so great at. Okay, then you've given him some specifics and now he can actually answer. Here's what you're looking for. Okay. Right. Here's the goldmine. Here's what you're really aiming for. A guy who will answer a question like that with something really authentic and genuine about himself is the kind of guy that you want to build a tribe with. A man who will answer a question like that and actually tell you how he's doing at life. What's something that's hard. What's something where he feels like he's doing okay. But where he could probably use some help. That's the kind of guy that you're looking for, a guy who just hems and Haws around that question. And doesn't answer much, might be a guy that you can have some fun with. Might be a guy that, you know, you could go do an event with. But isn't probably the kind of guy that you want to build a tribe with. He's not the guy who's going to be a lasting relationship. That's really going to challenge you to be your best. And that is going to allow you to challenge him to be his best. Okay. That's what you're looking for. Those are the kinds of friendships that we're trying to find that we're trying to cultivate, and that we're going to try to turn into a tribe. Okay. So proximity. And intentionality. And then some just really good questions in the midst of conversation are going to help you be able to develop the kinds of friends that you want to have that will help you develop your tribe so that you can be the extraordinary man that you really want to be. Now guys. I know, I have talked a lot here about tribe and about that whole idea. And I want to say to you, if you're listening to this going. Man. I really want to build a tribe. Like that's something that I know I need in my life, but I could really use some help figuring out how to do that. And I'd love to be involved in, you know, kind of whatever that looks like and how I can get my hands on some resources for that. I want to say to you, I am actively in the process of developing a course that will help guys be able to launch their own tribe. How to know how to do that and how to do it for yourself. But it's still kind of in the works. And I would love to get some feedback from guys who are interested in that kind of topic. So if that's you, if you're thinking, yeah, I'm totally interested in that. And I wouldn't mind giving some feedback on some things that would be helpful to me as I think about that. Then I would love for you to go to manhood tribes.com/launch. And it just put your name on the list there, as that. you're willing to help. You would like to be able to give some feedback, but you're also really interested in launching a trap for yourself and want to know how to do that. So again, manhood tribes.com/launch. I'll be in touch with you and we'll be in conversation about the kind of feedback that you can offer and what you can look forward to. As I began to launch this new course, okay, we're going to leave it there for. Today guys, but there's lots more to come in this series about how to develop close friends. So stay tuned. I'm really enjoying doing this with you. And I look forward to seeing you on the next episode of the manhood tribe show. We'll see you then.