The 3 Hidden Pressures Breaking Men Today

In this episode, we delve into the immense pressures men face today. 

We identify three primary pressures: the pressure to perform, to be emotionally fluent, and to be everything to everyone. 

We discuss the mental and emotional toll these pressures take and emphasize the importance of acknowledging these difficulties and seeking help. 

00:00 Understanding the Pressures Men Face
00:56 Introduction to Hidden Pressures
02:10 Pressure to Perform
05:27 Pressure to Be Emotionally Fluent
08:48 Pressure to Be Everything to Everyone
14:28 Acknowledging and Seeking Help
15:24 Building Connections and Community
16:40 Engage with the Community

💪 Want to know how you measure up as a man? Take our free quiz, called How Manly Are You? and learn how you can get better at being a man. Download for free at manhoodtribes.com/manly. 💪

Transcript

0:01

Every man I know feels like he is under a tremendous amount of pressure. Pressure that he doesn't really know how to talk about and is probably sure that he's the only one who's feeling that kind of pressure. Whether it's the pressure to have to build a life that he doesn't yet have, or the pressure to keep a life together that he is trying to maintain, or the pressure to be able to hold it together through the end of his life, whether that's financially or. Yeah, physically or in some other way, having to do with the health and stamina of his life. Every man feels like if he slips for even just a minute, that everything is gonna come crashing down around him. And the life that he's trying to have or trying to maintain is going to completely fall apart. Men are dying from these kinds of pressures. And today there's three that I really want to hone in on now. Look. There's a lot, probably, there's a lot of pressures that men are dealing with. Breaking it down into three categories is maybe oversimplifying it, but there are at least three that we need to talk about here today On the Manhood Tribes Channel. I want us to be able to address the hidden pressures that are killing men because they really are doing that. I'm not exaggerating. They're killing us, whether that's by taking their emotional and physical toll on our bodies and we're wearing out. Or from men giving up and choosing, suicide as a way out of life because the toll and the pressure is just too high, it is killing us, so we've got to figure out what to do about it. My name's Don Ross and here at the Manhood Tribes Channel. My job is to try to give you a clear vision of what it means to be a man, a clear challenge, to build strong male friendships and a clear path to be able to do both. So today on this episode, I want to be able to address these hidden pressures that are killing us and why they are so important for us to address and how those other things that I just talked about relate to addressing those pressures. We've got to learn to deal with them guys, or we don't really stand a chance. So let's dive in. The first of those three hidden pressures is the pressure to perform. Every guy feels this pressure in some way, shape, or form, because that's what we feel like is expected of us. We feel like we have got to show up in some way in order to be effective or to amount to something, or to have meaning in life or to come through for others. Whatever it is. We feel like something is expected of us, but very few of us can actually put our finger on what it is that we are supposed to be doing. Very few of us know what kind of performance we're supposed to be giving. We just know that we're supposed to be giving something and frankly, we're, we're feeling like we're supposed to be giving a lot. Most men feel like we are supposed to come through in some way as the stable one in whatever relationships we're a part of. We are supposed to be the rock. We're supposed to be the one that everybody else can kind of lean on or fall on or fall apart around, or rage and be emotional or be down in the dumps or whatever it is. We are the ones who need to be steady and strong so that everybody else around us can do what they need to do. Or if we're not feeling that way, if we're feeling like we are that person who is falling apart and who our emotions are out of control, or we can't seem to get a handle on our mental health. Then we are the ones feeling like I've got to do better at that. I've got to get myself in check. I've got to be doing better. I know that this isn't okay, and somehow I've got to figure a way forward to be able to be better than I currently am. At the moment, wherever you fall on that spectrum, you're likely feeling that very same pressure to perform. To have to be something that you aren't currently at the moment or to have to be better than you feel like you are right now. That pressure is a weight that most guys don't even necessarily know that they're carrying, but they sure aren't allowing anyone else to carry it with them because it feels like we have to be the base of the pyramid. We have to be the thing that is holding all the other things up. And so it's not okay for us to show a crack in our armor to say, Hey, I'm actually really having a hard time doing this. I'm having a hard time being this performer who has to keep it all together for everybody else. I'm having a hard time holding my own life together, let alone anybody else's. And because we feel like we've got to be the strong ones, we don't. We're not honest with anybody else. That we actually don't feel all that strong, that we don't have the strength that we need to be able to offer to the others around us who really need that strength from us. And it's wearing us down. It's leaving us exhausted. It's leaving us frankly afraid, ashamed, insecure, and feeling guilty. But more than anything, it's leaving us feeling like if I slip for just a moment, if I show a crack or a weakness, everything is gonna fall apart, and everyone is counting on me and I can't fall apart. The pressure is killing us. The second pressure that men are having to deal with is the pressure to be what I'll call emotionally fluent. That means we, you know, put in an older version. We need to be in touch with our sensitive side. But at the same time, mm, not too much. Like we still need to be men. We don't need to be women, but we need to be conversive in a language that in an older generation, only women we're conversive in today. Men are expected to be able to show up as it relates to their emotional health, our mental health, our relational health, and all of these other categories that are a little bit foreign to us. They're a little bit different than what most men are naturally comfortable in, and they're kind of some areas where men haven't really been taught how to be able to handle those sides of ourselves. But because of that, we're not given any grace. We're just expected that like, oh, you know, no one taught you how to do that. Well, too bad. This is what is expected of you today. You need to know how to talk about your feelings. You need to know when to talk about your feelings. But you also need to know that you shouldn't talk about them too much. Like if you start talking about your feelings too much, then you might come across as feminine or as gay, or as something that you don't want to be labeled as, or you might be seen as passive or overly nice, or all of a sudden now women aren't attracted to you anymore because you start to sound like not really a man anymore. So there's this weird like fine line of. I've got to kinda walk this boundary between being a man who is strong and capable and competent and can be leaned on, but at the same time, he's very much in touch with, uh, the emotional side of his life and is comfortable being able to express things about his feelings, but doesn't do it too much. Doesn't show. Too much of that side of himself because that might make him look weak or passive or feminine, or something that he doesn't want to be and doesn't want to be seen as and doesn't want anybody else to think of him as. This is a line that honestly no man is capable of walking. Okay? Let's just be honest about that, guys. We aren't meant to succeed. That's not a path that any man can succeed on. It's too much to be asked of us because it's too much to be asked of anyone. That that person is a myth. They're a ghost. They're a vapor. They don't actually exist. No man can do that well, because that's actually not a thing. So we need to give ourselves some grace. We need to give ourselves permission to let the pressure off of this and to just say, you know what? It's okay for me to be honest about what I'm dealing with, with the people that I want to be honest about it, and I'll let them deal with how I come across if it's too much or it's too little. That's on them. But I need to be able to release the pressure of what I'm dealing with, of having to hold all of this in. It is time to stop punishing ourselves for being too much or too little because we're gonna be both at some points in time to different people, and that's just the reality of life. But it's time to give ourselves permission and grace to be okay with however we come across and to release the pressure with the people that we need to be able to do that with. Which brings me to the third point. The third pressure that men are really dealing with is the pressure to have to be everything to everyone. Now, in some ways, men have always carried this pressure. But the pressure to be everything is different in our era than it used to be. Men were always kind of depended on to be the strong, stable foundation to their families and to their communities, but what that meant in other areas is really different than what it means today. Today, it really does mean we have to be everything. We've got to be not only the physical and financial providers for our families. We also have to be relationally and emotionally present. We need to be involved in what our families are doing in and out of the home. We need to not only be working a full-time job, that we have to carry the mental load of typically by ourselves because no one in our family really knows what our work is about or cares all that much about it. But we have to also then carry the load of everything else that's going on in our home to be helping out around the house, to be involved in our kids' activities and in their schoolwork. To be involved in our communities, to know what's going on with our neighbors or with people at our church to be friendly and connected with people in the community to, gosh, the load just keeps going. It just keeps going, and it doesn't stop. And because of that, we are carrying this weight of having to be everything to everyone. And at the same time, we're feeling that sense of pressure not being returned in any way. It's not like everybody around us is just patting us on the back and saying, gosh, thank you, man, for how much you're doing for me and for us and for the people around us. You mean so much to us. When was the last time that you got that kind of gratitude From anywhere or anyone? Almost never. If the guys that I know are honest and are truthful about what it looks like in their experience and in my own experience, I'll just say it's hard. It's hard to be a man and to carry the weight that we carry and to not feel any kind of gratitude or appreciation from the people around us. And yet at the same time. We know intuitively that we can't quit because why? If we quit, everything falls apart. If I don't go to work, like it's not just me who stops working, it's my whole family who falls apart, right? Because my family's counting on me to be able to pay the bills and provide the lifestyle that they are currently used to and comfortable with. But it's not just a financial thing either. It's an emotional and a relational thing as well. My wife is counting on me to be able to be present to her, to be engaged in her world, to be supportive of what she's doing and what she wants to accomplish with her own life. And I want to be that for her. I want to be the man who can be able to do that. And yet it's a lot. It's a lot to be able to do. I want to be the man who can be present to my sons. I want to be able to be engaged in the things that they are doing. I want to know and understand their worlds. I want them to feel like they can talk to me about anything that they want to talk to about, and that I'm engaged relationally with them so that they will talk about those kinds of things. I want all of that, and yet it's a lot. It's a lot to have to carry. I want to be able to. Provide. Well, not only for my family, but for myself. I want to enjoy things in life and I want to make the kind of money that allows me to be able to do that. I want those things. That's the kind of man that I want to be. And yet, it's a lot. I want to be a man of faith. I want to be a man who's involved in my neighborhood and in my community. I want to stand for things that matter. I want to build content on the internet. I have all kinds of things that I want to do, and yet it's a lot. And if I slip at any of them, all of those things begin to crumble. They begin to fall apart. Now, you may not have the same kind of life that I do. You might be a man who's younger than I am, and you're not dealing with family at the moment, but maybe you're feeling the pressure of wanting a family and feeling like, gosh, I, I really would like to attain that at some point in time in my life. But maybe you're having a hard time, uh, meeting and developing a long-term relationship with a woman. Maybe you're feeling pressure from all sides, from other family members or from friends who are saying, when are you gonna get married? When are you gonna settle down? Maybe you're feeling like you don't want to ever do that, and you've found a group of people that you can kind of just be cavalier with and live the single lifestyle that you want to live. And yet at the same time, you've got this nagging feeling in your life of, you know, you're just delaying the inevitable. That you're not gonna be single for forever, but you don't really know what kind of life you're gonna be able to have if you continue pushing it off. Maybe you're on the other side of, uh, life from where I'm at. Maybe you're moving into retirement or to your elder years and you're just feeling the pressure of having to continue to provide for your children who are trying to do the best that they can, but not able to do enough. Or you're trying to provide for your grandchildren who are gonna need you more so than other generations ever did, and you're feeling like there's all this pressure on you to have to be something that most retired grandparents never have had to do in other generations. Why is there all of this pressure all of a sudden? It's a lot. It's a lot to carry. And so it's time that we acknowledge that it's a lot to carry, and the way that we need to acknowledge it is that we need to do a few things. We need to first acknowledge it to ourselves. We need to be honest about the fact that these things are really hard and it is a lot to carry, even if we're the only person that we start to acknowledge it with. We need to be honest. We need to be able to say, yeah, I'm feeling like I could crack at any moment. And while that's not all right, the place to start is by acknowledging it. Continuing to pretend that we can just push through is not enough. It won't get us there. We will eventually crack. The only way to not crack is not by pushing through, but by starting to acknowledge that we do have limitations and we're gonna need some help if we're gonna be able to get through this. And so that's the second thing. It is time to actually start seeking help. And where I really want you to start seeking help is with other men. It's time to start putting yourself in places where you are, around other men who you can start to have some of these kinds of conversations with. Maybe that's guys that you work out with at the gym. Maybe that's guys that you go to church with. Maybe it's other dads of kids who are your kids' age that you see through school functions or kids' sports teams or whatever else that y'all are involved in as a family. Maybe it's other grandparents in your neighborhood, maybe it's, it doesn't matter. Find other men. Get around other men, and start building relationships. No, you're not gonna be able to have deep conversations about the significant things in life right off the bat. Maybe you will, but you'll be the exception to the rule if that's the case. But you won't ever get to the place of having those kinds of conversations if you don't start building relationships now. So that's what I want you to do. Get out, start making connections with other men who are in your age and stage of life doing the things that you're doing, and start to just make some of those connections so that you can begin to leverage those things in the direction that you want to move in. No man can carry this alone, and you are not meant to get some other men around you. I want you to hit the like and subscribe buttons because I want you to be engaged in this content and I want you to participate in this community to help each other. We here as men are trying to do the best that we can to support each other and we need to, and so I want to encourage you to comment down below. I want you to just say which of these three things has been the biggest pressure for you, which is the one that you've dealt the most with, and how has it felt hard to you? So just comment on that down below, and I look forward to engaging with your comment soon. We'll talk again next time.