When Life Hurts and You Just Want Out: A Survival Guide for Men in the Dark

It's a sad truth that the male suicide has reached alarming heights in our culture. We offer some practical suggestions for the man struggling with overwhelming thoughts, or for the man who might be in a position to help another man who is. 

We emphasize the importance of establishing basic routines, breaking down tasks into manageable steps, avoiding destructive habits, seeking support from others, and maintaining communication with God. 

We also highlight the significance of developing strong male friendships in preventing and coping with feelings of hopelessness.

00:00 Introduction: Addressing a Hard and Heavy Topic
00:41 The Alarming Reality of Male Suicide
01:01 Offering Hope and Practical Suggestions
03:35 The Importance of Male Friendships
05:06 Understanding Your Mindset
07:25 Practical Steps to Cope
11:20 Finding Support and Reaching Out
12:56 Talking to God
14:37 Final Encouragement and Resources

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Transcript

0:00

Men, we've got a hard and heavy topic that we need to try to address today. If you've been following along on these videos for the past few weeks, you know that we've been trying to talk about why it is that life feels so difficult for men in our culture right now, and for most of us men in some way or another, that really is the case. Life does feel harder than we ever anticipated it feeling, and yet for many of us it feels so difficult that we have reached a place of rock bottom and we are just kind of ready for things to be at an end. Some of us are contemplating taking our own lives, and that's what I want to try to address today. I mentioned a statistic in the last video that I did, where in the United States alone, more men die every year from suicide than women who die from breast cancer. The male suicide rate is growing and only getting worse over time. Now, there's a lot of reasons for this. We don't actually need to get into all of those reasons today. What I want to try to do today is be able to offer some, not just hope, but actual practical suggestions on what you can do if that's the kind of place that you're in. But even if you're not in that place, I hope that you'll watch this video as well. For a couple reasons. Number one, if you're a man, it's likely that there's another man in your life who is in this place or who is very close to this place. The alarming rate of male suicide leads us all to have to face the reality that this is something that many men are dealing with, and we need to be prepared to be able to help the men around us actually face it and know what to do when they're threatened with it. Number two. I think most of us as men are probably only about one bad decision or one catastrophic situation away from being in a place where we are ready to just pack it all in completely. That's how difficult life is for most of us at the moment. And while you may not be at that place yet, you may not be as far from it as you might think. If something were to go really sideways in your life, if you were to lose a loved one, if your marriage were to fall apart, if you were to get fired or for some reason, lose your job in a really, really difficult situation if you were to have to go a long time without a job because it's really difficult to get a new job in your industry. There's all kinds of reasons that you might be faced with. Is life even worth living? Should I just give it up at this point? I don't want anybody to have to face those kinds of things alone, and I want every man to be aware of the fact that just because you're not facing it right now doesn't mean you're not very close to facing it because of how difficult life is in general. One of the reasons that men get into these situations is because we're already carrying a lot. We're already stretched thin, and so when life does take a sharp turn in the wrong direction, whether because of our own bad choices or because something that we had no control of at all, it can put us into a place where it just feels too hard to keep going. It just feels like there's too much to have to continue carrying. And so whether or not you're at that place right now. Or if that is a description of you and what you're dealing with at this very moment, then I want you to continue watching. I want this video to be for you, and I want to try to be able to offer some help. My name's Don Ross. I'm the host here at the Manhood Tribes Channel, and what we do here at Manhood Tribes is try to provide you with a clear vision of manhood, a clear challenge to develop strong male friendships, and a clear path for how to do both. Now. I hope you can recognize that all of those things are related to the topic that we're dealing with today. And in particular, that kind of middle idea of developing strong male friendships is really important to all of us as men in terms of preventing and dealing with. When we get into this kind of place where life feels hopeless, we're despairing and we're ready for things to end. Nothing is going to help us more in terms of getting out of that place or in preventing us from getting into that place than having close male friends, having other guys around us that we can turn to in the midst of those kinds of things. So. I want you to go back, uh, and watch some other videos where I have talked about this, even the last video that I did was in particular about how to develop some of those kinds of friendships because that will help more than anything at getting you moving in that direction. But apart from that, many of you might be in the place right now where you're saying, uh, yeah, I don't feel like I have any hope and I don't have any friends either. So what good is that going to do me at the moment? And I understand, and so I want to try to be able to address some things that you might be able to do at the moment that could be of help. But before I get to the practical suggestions, I want to just talk a little bit about the mindset, about what's going on in your world at the moment that maybe has you in the place that you're in, and the kinds of thoughts and feelings that you're having right now that could be pushing you to making a decision that you don't actually want to make. Here's what I want to say. First and foremost, to any guy who finds himself in this position, it makes sense that you think and feel the way that you do. Whatever your situation is, and I know that I don't know the particulars of your personal situation. I want you to know that it makes sense that you feel the way that you do life really is as hard as it feels like it is to you. There probably feels like there could be some relief and things just ending, and I'll tell you that that makes sense, but I'll also tell you that it's incorrect. It's not right. It feels like relief, but it's actually an ending. There is a possibility of ending the pain that you're in at the moment, and no, it probably won't come overnight, but if you choose to end it like that. That's an ending that you can't come back from. It's an ending to your story that you are not meant to have, and there are ways for you to be able to find a way out of the pain that you're in right now, other than just packing it in, throwing in the towel, and being done. So how do we do that? How do we find some ways out of the pain that you are in at the moment? First of all, I wanna say this to you. You're not weak. You're not weak. You're just overwhelmed. Okay? You're having to deal with more than any one man or one person should have to deal with ever. It's not fair. It's not right, but it is. It is what you're having to deal with, and so figuring out how to deal with it is important. You are not failing because you're having to deal with the things that you're dealing with. But I don't want you to fail in the way that you do deal with them. Okay? So let's talk about how to deal with them. First of all, in the midst of what you're dealing with, I know the temptation can be to sacrifice the basics in your life, like sleep. Like healthy rhythms and habits to your day, like meals or like healthy meals even. So I want you number one to just try to return to the basics. I want you to commit to yourself. That you're gonna get up at a reasonable time in the morning. You're gonna go to bed at a reasonable time at night. You're gonna get a healthy eight hours of sleep every night. You're gonna eat three meals a day. You're gonna go about your day and do the things that you need to do. If you've got work responsibilities, you're gonna do them. If you've got family responsibilities, you're gonna do them. And yeah, they might be hard. Yeah, they might be weighing you down, but you've got to return to the basics stick. To the rhythms and routines, just for the sake of being able to get through everything that you're facing. Don't give up on the things that will actually help you be able to face some of those more difficult things from a better place. If you're getting enough sleep, if you're getting enough food, if you're having a regular rhythm and routine to your day, that will put you in a better mental and emotional place to be able to deal with some of the more difficult stuff that you're facing. All right. Number two. Even with those things in place, it might be necessary for you to focus on hours and not days. What I mean by that is sometimes getting through a whole day can feel completely overwhelming when you wake up in the morning, and the thought of making it back to bed in the evening feels like too much, then it is. It's too much. Don't focus on the whole day. Focus on a few hours. When you wake up in the morning, what's the next thing you need to do in that hour? You need to brush your teeth, you need to shower, you need to have breakfast. Focus on that hour and just the things that you need to do in that hour. What do you need to do in the next hour? Break it down. Make it simple steps, and just focus on doing the simple steps. Get through the next thing and be okay that you made it through the next thing, and if you don't make it through the next thing, that's okay too. Pick back up at the next hour just because you didn't make that this current hour. Don't let the next hour be something that you give up on, okay? That's why hours are sometimes better than days because it's easier if you fall apart to pick back up in the next hour. You don't have to wait a whole day before you try to pick back up again. Pick back up in the next hour. Do the right next thing in the next hour. Number three, in speaking of doing the right things, it's time to put away the temptations and the vices that you know are pulling you down. So whether that's alcohol, whether that's drugs, whether that's doom scrolling on social media, whether that's binge tv, whether that's porn or some other kind of sex addiction, you know what it is in your life. It's time to put that away. If you have real struggles with addiction in those areas, then it's time to reach out to some kind of a support group to help you with that, whether that's AA or SA or uh, any other thing that can help you with a program to be able to take some steps where you can set those things aside. You need to be able to do it. They're only making things worse. I know that in the midst of the pain, that might feel like the only thing that's taking the edge off, but it's not. It's just digging a deeper hole for you to have to get out of. And so you need to find a way to set those things aside. You're probably not gonna be able to do that by yourself, and so that's why you need to reach out to a support group for help. Which also leads me to the fourth point. You need to find at at least one solid voice in your life who can be a support and a companion to you. Now, if you're a part of some kind of a recovery group, you're likely gonna find that there, and that's fantastic. If you're not a part of that or that isn't something that you need in your life, that's okay too. But you still need to find at least one other person that you can talk to about what's going on with you, that they can be a solid voice to help you move forward in this place. Maybe that's a therapist. Maybe you're not ready for a therapist yet, so maybe it's just a friend. Maybe you don't have a friend that you can talk to about this kind of stuff, and so you don't know where to turn. If that's the case, I want to encourage you to call the National Crisis Hotline. I. Nine eight. Eight is the number if you're in the United States or Canada. If you're in another place, you can look it up online. Just look for National Crisis Hotline. Your country likely has one again in the United States or Canada. It's 9 8, 8. Just dial the number. Someone on the other end will be able to help. They will help you be able to take the right next steps in the next hours or the next days. They will help you think about how you can get connected to some other voices locally that might be able to help you, whether that's groups or friends, or therapists, or whatever it is that you need and would work for you. They're gonna be there to be able to help you reach out and find one other voice to help you through the midst of this situation. Okay. And number five, last but not least, is that you need to keep talking to God. Maybe you have tried talking to God and it feels like he's not there, and so you gave up. Maybe you're angry with him because it feels like he's not there, or the situation that you find yourself in feels like it's a result of him not being there for you. He is there for you, but maybe in some ways that you're not expecting. And so if you've been angry at him, even if you feel like you need to. Tell God that he owes you an apology. Whatever it is that you need to say to him, you need to say it. You need to start talking to God again. Even if it's just to say, God, I'm still here. I know you're still there too. I'm pretty mad at you right now, or, I don't know what to do about you right now. Whatever you need to say, just say it, but keep talking to him. God can be a present source of comfort and life to you. But you've gotta talk to him. You can't just neglect him in the midst of this process. He can deal with your emotions if you've got anger, if you've got bitterness, if you've got unforgiveness, if you've got a hard heart, if you've got a depressed heart, if you've got tremendous sadness and you feel like he isn't interested in all of that, tell him that. Just start talking to him about what it is that you're dealing with and how you wish he would show up in the midst of it. Just tell him those things. Even That is a good place to start, and if you've got a friend to talk to, tell your friend about what you're talking to God about. Talk about those things with your friend. Hopefully your friend can share some of those things with you as well. Okay. Talk through those things. One other thing that I want to be able to say to you in the midst of kind of all of those tips is something that may sound a little bit like a gut punch, but I think it's just reality and I want it to hopefully be a source of encouragement to you in the midst of what you're dealing with. It might feel like you don't have any hope, that you're just kind of in a place of despair and spiraling downwards, and can there ever be any hope again? I wanna say that there can, but at the same time, I want to say to you, you don't actually need hope to keep hanging on. I know that might seem counterintuitive and probably doesn't sound all that hopeful for me to say that to you, but you don't need hope in this moment as much as you think you do. You probably need people and you probably need routine. You need things to help you just keep taking steps forward, even if there's not a lot of hope, even if it doesn't feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel yet, there will be one day, but that day isn't right now and it may not be coming soon. And so in the meantime, don't look for hope. The thing that's going to solve your problem at the moment, right now, you need steps. You need positive steps forward, and you need people, and you need routine to help you be able to take those steps. So reach out and find ways of being able to get those things and your life again, as I said before, pain doesn't have to last forever, but it may last. For right now, quitting. Isn't actually an end to the pain. It's an end to everything and it's an end to any possibility of there being a way out of the pain. It's an end that doesn't have to be the end of your story, so don't let it be. Don't let it be the end of your story. You are needed. In this life and in this world, you have a contribution that only you can make. You have a role to play and a dignity to offer that only you can provide. You may not know what that is right now. That's okay. You don't have to know, but you will never find it out if you give in at this moment. So don't, don't quit. You're not a failure. You're not weak. You're just in a fight. And I wanna do what I can to help. And there are others around you who want to be able to help as well. So reach out and find a way. Again, I want to remind you of the National Crisis Hotline. And if you don't know who to write reach out to. That's the first place to start. And the US and Canada, the number is nine eight eight. Pick up the phone and call'em now if you need to. 9, 8, 8. If you want to leave a comment on this video, you can do that as well. If there's something that you're struggling with, put a comment down below and I'll do my best to engage with you, but don't leave a comment as a way of hoping to get some help from me. I may not see your comment in the time that you need me to. I'm, I may not even be able to respond. Okay, so don't rely on the comment section as a way to reach out for help, but if you want to offer something of your story, that's a great place to do it. Or if guys, you have struggled with this and you want to offer, uh, a bit of help to other guys by sharing some of your story, that would be a good place to do it as well. So put something down in the comments and let other guys know that you're reaching out for help or that you're available to help others as well. I hope this has been of some assistance to you, and I look forward to seeing you again in the next Manhood Tribes video. I'll talk to you then.