5 Dangerous Crutches Men Use to Cope (And What to Try Instead)

Men's worst-kept secret is that we turn to all kinds of vices and escapisms in order to cope with life's hardships. 

From porn to substance use, workaholism, humor as denial, and isolation, we dissect how these behaviors inhibit true manhood. 

Learn actionable steps to build strong male friendships, incorporate faith, and take small real-world steps to confront and overcome these challenges.

00:00 The Burden of Modern Manhood
01:42 Vices and Medications: Coping Mechanisms
03:01 The Pervasiveness of Porn
08:18 Alcohol and Drugs: Numbing the Pain
09:46 Workaholism: Escaping Through Labor
11:12 Sarcasm and Humor: Avoidance Strategies
12:30 Isolation: The Silent Retreat
14:30 Steps Towards Real Solutions
16:33 Incorporating Faith and Building Connections
20:18 Conclusion and Resources

💪 Want to know how you measure up as a man? Take our free quiz, called How Manly Are You? and learn how you can get better at being a man. Download for free at manhoodtribes.com/manly. 💪

Transcript

0:00

All right men, it's time to get real here on the Manhood Tribes Channel. Today we're gonna talk about some of the nasty things going on in all of our lives, because here at Manhood Tribes, we have for a while now been talking about why does life feel so hard for us as men, and is it. Really as hard as we actually think it is, and the answer to that basically is yes, life is difficult for us as men. In particular, it seems to only be getting more difficult and the weight of things that we are having to carry as men is really only increasing. But what we're doing with all of that difficulty. Most of us as men is that we are turning to other things to try to lighten the load a little bit, to help us be able to endure the pain or just increase a little bit of pleasure in the moment, and so we need to. Try to talk about those things. We need to be honest about what's going on in our world today with us as men, because there's a lot of hiding taking place. There's a lot of things going on behind closed doors that we as men aren't always comfortable being able to talk about, but we're doing them, and so we need to talk about them. That's the point of this channel is to say that as men, it only helps us to be able to bring things that are in the dark, out into the light. That's the way that we actually get better at being a man. So to that end. My name is Don Ross. I'm the host here at the Manhood Tribes Channel, and what I try to do here at Manhood Tribes is a few things. I try to give you a clear vision of what it means to be a man. I try to give you a clear challenge to develop strong male friendships, and I try to present you with a clear path on how you can do both of those things. Now as we're talking about this clear vision of what it means to be a man today, we're gonna talk about some things that I think get in the way of that, that actually inhibit us from becoming the kind of men that we really do want to be. These are things that are, we'll call'em vices or we'll call'em. Medications. Not in the like pill sense, although it might be that, but just things that we kind of turn to to numb the pain a little bit. When the pain factor in life is ratcheting up really high, all of us as guys will tend to turn to some things to help just kind of alleviate life a little bit, to escape, to lighten up, to just experience a little bit of pleasure in the midst of that pain. But as we turn to those things, we're actually finding ourselves starting to get trapped by them. They start to become things that we can't really get away from, or we're depending on them more than we thought that we needed to. And because of that, those are the things that we actually need to start talking about. So in this video, I want to try to address five of those things that we tend to turn to five of those numbing substances that we as men tend to kind of favor as the way to be able to deal with the hardships of life. All right, so number one, no big surprise here. The biggest thing that men in our culture today tend to turn to, to help alleviate the pain in their world is porn. You probably knew that that was coming. The statistics don't lie. Nearly every man that you know, and women, if you're watching, and I hope some of you are. This is true. Nearly every man that you know has experienced and used porn at some point in time in their life, and most of the men that you know, most of the men that you know are actively using porn on some kind of regular basis to say that porn is pervasive. Is an understatement. It's everywhere. And for guys in particular, although it's not just a male issue, porn is increasingly a female issue as well. But for males in particular, porn is an almost universal issue. It affects nearly. Every man, it's been a part of my story and on this channel, I'm gonna share more of that story at some point in time. But today I just want us to be honest about the fact that porn is a nearly universal part of men's stories. It is something that we learned to turn to at a very early age, and the freedom of access that we have to it because of the internet has made it so that any of us can get it. Porn is a source of pleasure for men, and that's why we tend to turn to it. It makes us feel good. We use it as a way to be able to just experience some really good feelings for a little while when life kind of sucks in a whole lot of other ways. The problem with porn that I think we have all encountered is that it brings with it a whole lot of other baggage. So for all the joy or all the pleasure that it might bring for just a little while, it brings along a whole bunch of other things as well. I. Some of that can just be shame over feeling like you've done something that you wish that you didn't, or feeling like you're the kind of person who looks at porn and you wish that you weren't that kind of man. Or it might be other things that, uh, are really getting in the way of the way that you live your life. Porn can have some real inhibiting factors on a whole bunch of other things. The more that you use it, the more that it starts to get in the way of real life relationships. Whether that's just sucking up your time and taking away your time of interacting with real people to actually affecting your ability to relate intimately with another woman. And I'm not just talking about sex, although I am talking about that too. It takes away your ability to know how to be able to engage intimately with another person. And when you do get to that place of trying to interact sexually with another woman, porn can have some impact there as well. It can make you imagine what sex is supposed to be like and then when you encounter the real thing, it doesn't quite live up to what you've seen in all of the videos. And because of that, it can make real life sex feel like something of a disappointment. It doesn't actually feel as good as you thought that it might or it doesn't. Your relationship with a woman doesn't look like what those porn relationships looked like, and so you're not really sure what to make of that. Porn can become so much of an inhibitor that it actually affects your performance in the bedroom. Your dick can get so used to the feeling of your hand that when it encounters the feeling of a real life vagina, it doesn't know what to do. I know. Crazy, right? But that's an actual real thing that many men are dealing with. It's erectile dysfunction that comes from overuse of porn and over masturbation from porn. It's a real thing. It's a real problem. I think all of these are things that are downsides to porn, and I hope that we as a culture are starting to get to the place where we're talking about those kinds of things, enough that we're all collectively beginning to realize, Hey, all this free access to sex on video really isn't a good thing for us. There was a while there where our culture thought like this was the greatest thing ever and we can enjoy it as much as we want to, and what are the side effects? It's not harming anybody, but I think we're kind of finally at the place where we're realizing, yeah, it's harming everybody and it's time for us to be able to take a break from it. Now, here's the thing, if you want to be able to experience some freedom from porn, this is one of the most difficult things that you as a man might encounter. Getting free from porn is a really difficult thing to do, but one of the things that it is absolutely going to take of you is talking about it. You're going to have to be honest about what your porn habit looks like, why you're looking at the things that you're looking at when you tend to look at the things that you're looking at, like what's going on in your world when those things are true. And the reality is most of us as guys don't have those kinds of people in our life that we can talk to. I. So you're going to need to begin to cultivate some of those friendships. Go back to a few videos that I've had on this channel where I talk about developing a tribe or developing close friends and figure out how you can start to move towards some of those kinds of friendships, because you're going to need them in your life if you're going to stand a chance of breaking away from porn. Okay, porn's the number one thing, and I've spent the most time on it, but it's certainly not the only thing. So let me try to cover numbers two through five a little bit quicker than I've spent on just number one. Now, number two, I would just kind of lump together the whole category of alcohol and drugs, any other kind of substance that you are turning to regularly to just numb the pain to use as some kind of medication. And maybe in this case, you are actually turning to some kind of pills as a way to be able to medicate in your life. Now this might be something that you do on an occasional basis, and to you it feels like it's not a big deal. But what I want to highlight to you is that if you are using a substance to be able to cut the edge of pain in your life, you probably are experiencing too much pain. Your life is filled with more stress than you are meant. To be able to hold and turning to a substance to be able to cut the edge of that pain is actually not helping you. It might make you feel good for a little while, but it's not helping you be able to deal with the things that you're having to face. So whether that's a couple beers at night after you get home from work, or you've got this stash of weed that your family doesn't know about, that you use on the weekends, or you know, whatever it is for you, it can really be anything. Whatever you're using to take the edge off of life is not actually helping you be able to deal with the stress and the pain that you're facing. It's just providing you with a little bit of relief for the moment, and that's not actually a solution. Number three. Sometimes it's not a substance at all. It's actually just more work. The number of guys that turn to some form of workaholism or just extra work as a way to be able to cope with the pain of life is surprisingly high. Many of us as men find our identities in our work. That's where we feel like we're the most successful, where we feel like we're the most needed, where we feel like we're the most seen and the most celebrated, and the most prized, and the most affirmed for all of the things that we contribute. And then in our home life, we don't get that nearly that same kind of satisfaction. We can, in our workplace, we can kind of follow a formula. If I put in this kind of effort and do these sorts of things, I know I'm gonna get rewarded in these ways. But the rest of life, and especially our home life or our marriage and family life, it doesn't look like that at all. It's not nearly as formulaic. You can't just do these things or have these conversations with your wife and expect it to pay off in the same way that work can. And so for a lot of us guys, we turn to. Extra work because we know it's a reliable way to produce some rewards and some pleasures in our life, and it keeps us away from a lot of those more unpredictable situations. Other people and other relationships that don't follow those same kind of formulas. We don't feel as successful in our family as we do in our work. And so it's easy to turn to workaholism as a way to numb the pain or to avoid the stress of other places in our lives. Number four. This one might be a little bit more of a surprise, but I've called this one Sarcasm and Humor. Now for a lot of guys, one of the ways to sort of avoid dealing with the reality of how painful life is, is just to joke about all of it. To make fun of all of it, to make light of how hard life is, is for some guys a way of not actually having to deal with how hard life is. If everything is a joke, then nothing is actually as painful as it really might be, but this honestly is just a form of denial. It's really just an avoidance strategy. Guys who joke about everything, rarely deal with anything head on. It's kind of, and forgive me guys, if this is your strategy, it's kind of a cowardly thing to do. It's not actually facing up to the difficulties in your life and trying to move through them. It's just a way of trying to avoid how painful they are and not having to deal with them. But for a lot of guys, sarcasm and humor plays that role in their lives. It allows them to not have to deal with the pain that is there, and so it's an easy go-to for dealing with life. And the last one. Number five is something that we've talked about on this channel quite a bit. Isolation when life gets hard and when guys are looking for a way to be able to deal with the pain. Isolating is often the thing that guys turn to the most. And it can take different shapes. I would put video games into this category. Video games is one of the easiest ways for men to isolate, but I would also include social media and online forums like Reddit as a way of being able to talk about isolation. That might seem a little bit ironic because social media still includes some forms of interaction. You're still talking to other people online. You're still having. Some kinds of conversations or you're commenting on other things that people have said. But it's actually a very isolating form of interaction. There aren't real people involved there, at least as far as you know, because you're not having to deal with the repercussions of your comments and how they affect real people. I. You're not having to deal with, did that actually make someone I know angry and do I have to deal with their anger in a real relationship? No, you don't. So social media is an entirely isolated form of relationship. That's also true of online video games or online social betting, or any other kind of form of online anonymous interaction. It isn't real interaction. And so it's actually just. Isolation, all of that stuff is a form of isolation, and men can tend to turn to all of that as a way to deal with the pain in their lives, but you're actually just retreating. You're retreating from all of the real and the good things in your world. Even if some of those things in this moment feel difficult and painful, you're still choosing ways to be able to retreat from the things that actually could be good for things that really aren't.'cause they're fake, they're not real, and so they don't have the opportunity to fill that place in your life. That could be truly and really good. So what are some of the things that we need to do to try to be able to address these things that we're turning to in our lives to numb the pain? The first thing that I want to say, and I've kind of already said it already, but I wanna make sure that you guys hear it loud and clear. None of these things is a solution. They're not actually helping you deal with the pain in your life. You're going to have to move towards real things in order to be able to deal with the pain in your life and to find new joy and new relief from things that really are difficult. Not these fake things, not these escape things, but real things like relationships, real places in the real world with real people. All of those things are gonna help you be able to move through the pain. Now that might be really hard at this point. You might have none of that kind of stuff in your world, or it just feels really difficult to find it or to access it. And so the first thing that I wanna say is that small steps are better than no steps, and certainly they're better than fake steps. Okay, and what I mean by that is just doing some of the things that will move you towards real things and real people, even if it's just a little thing is better than continuing to move towards this fake stuff that's just meant to take the edge off, but is actually sucking you into things that aren't healthy for you and aren't going to provide real and lasting relief. So for example, maybe it's just something as simple as committing to going to the gym on a regular basis two or three times a week. That might feel like a small step, but it's getting you out into the real world and it's getting you out around real people as well. Doing something real and physical with your body. All of that is good. All of that has the potential to move you towards even better things, and it is no longer about doing the fake things that are keeping you trapped. Okay? So small steps are better than fake steps or no steps at all. Next. You need to begin to form real connection with other men in your life. I feel like I say this all the time on this channel, but it really is. That's what we're about, right? The second thing that I tell you I try to do on this channel is to give you a clear challenge to form strong. Male relationships. You need them in your life and you need to start moving towards that. So whether you've got a few guys in your life already who are close friends, but you're just not talking about these kinds of things with each other, now's the time. You need to go first. You need to start initiating some of these conversations. Hey guys, I need to be honest about some of the stuff that I'm dealing with. Like I haven't really told you guys, but I got a real problem with weed. Or I've got a real problem with porn. Like it's time to start talking about it. Maybe you don't have any guys in your world that you feel like you can talk about those kinds of things. Go back and watch some of the other videos. In this channel where I talk about forming a tribe or beginning to have close friendships with guys, you need to start taking the steps towards building those kinds of relationships. All right. Third thing, when you're getting to the place where you feel like you're tempted to kind of turn back towards those vices, you need to have some things in place that you can turn to instead, knowing that. Those things aren't gonna necessarily provide the same instant, quick hit that things like porn or beer have for you, but you're gonna need something else instead that is actually moving you towards something good. So maybe it's taking a few moments to do some breath work to help with stress relief. It's just helping you calm down, recenter, find your place, not feel like you have to just run off towards something that's gonna instantly make you feel better, but only leave you feeling worse. Do something that's gonna ground you. Maybe you need to get outside and take a walk. Just be in the outdoors, find some nature. Maybe you've got a trail near your house or even just a sidewalk through your neighborhood. Do something to help you get outside and be around things that are real and grounding. And number four, you need to start incorporating your faith into these areas. So maybe it's time to pick up a journal and just start writing about the way that you're dealing with these things. This could be part of both. Number three and number four, write down the things that you're dealing with and the things that you're tempted and what you're experiencing right now as you're feeling tempted. And then end your journal entry with some prayer. God, I really need help in this place. Will you come and meet me in this place? Fill me in ways that this other thing I've been turning to can't fill me in any sort of lasting way. Amen. Just put a simple prayer there as a way to reach out to God who you know is a higher and stronger power than the thing you've been turning to, but you've not really known how to turn to God. So start incorporating journaling and prayer and bring your faith into your conversation with your guy friends around you. Hey, I've been turning to these other things. For joy, but they're not actually providing any lasting joy. And I've really been thinking about faith. I've been trying to think, maybe I need to go back to church, or I really wanna start praying again, but I don't know what to do. What do you do for those things? Just start talking about it. Maybe your guy friends don't do anything else, but they might be wondering the same thing that you're wondering. And maybe as a group, you need to go check out a church in your area. Maybe get involved in a men's group with some other guys who are already involved in a church and start exploring how your faith can help you move away from some of these numbing things in your life to help you build something that is healthier so that you can become the kind of man that you really want to be free of all of these things that are controlling you and becoming more of the man that you actually want to be. All right guys. If you have enjoyed this content, I hope that you will like this video and subscribe to the channel here. And I also want to encourage you, if you're looking for an idea of what it really means to be a man, I've got a free resource for you that I think will help you out. It's called How Manly are You? And it's a free quiz that you can take that will help you evaluate how you're doing in the five marks of manhood that I talk about on this channel regularly. So just go to manhood tribes.com. Slash Manly and you can download the How Manly Are You Quiz for free. That's manhood tribes.com/manly. Now, I wanna leave you by encouraging you to comment on this video and just name what's something that you're struggling with right now. What is the thing that you tend to turn to, to numb the pain in your life, and maybe you want to even ask for some help. Ask the guys that are commenting in the channel, what do you do to be able to get away from that thing? Okay. I look forward to seeing what you guys are commenting about, and I can't wait to see you again right here on the Manhood Tribes Channel. I see you then soon.