When People Don't Follow You, Do These 3 Things

Men often feel frustrated when their leadership isn't valued in the workplace or family. We discuss how to gain respect and how to earn respect, emphasizing the importance of effective communication skills. Learn how to be a leader that inspires trust and follow-through, navigating masculinity and leadership with strength and purpose. 💪

If you’ve ever stayed silent, avoided conflict, or wondered if your leadership even matters, this episode will help you take the next step. We walk through three powerful shifts that can help you lead with clarity, confidence, and impact:

- Why passivity is the biggest enemy of male leadership
- The difference between blaming others and taking responsibility
- Why staying silent often makes things worse
- How to step into leadership even when it’s uncomfortable
- The three shifts that make people actually want to follow you
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Episode 072: Lead Like a Man: 3 Shifts for Greater Impact
Timestamps
00:00 Introduction
01:00 Why leadership doesn’t always land
03:00 The real problem: passivity
06:00 Why men avoid stepping up
08:00 Story: leading in finances and family
10:00 Shift 1: Don’t be passive, take action
12:00 Shift 2: Don’t be a victim, take responsibility
15:00 Shift 3: Don’t be silent, take a stand
18:00 Why courage matters in leadership
19:30 How leadership actually brings peace
21:00 Wrap up and comment prompt

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Transcript

Speaker 0:01

As a man. Do you ever feel like that people don't take your leadership as seriously as you would like them to, whether it's in your workplace or within your family, whatever it looks like for you as a man to step in as the leader sometimes doesn't really go the way that you would like it to. Right. We as guys like to be able to. Offer our strength and our opinions and have people listen to them and respect them and follow through on them. And in an ideal world, that would be great if that's how it went. But we're dealing with people, and people never work exactly like we think they're going to. And our leadership often reflects that when people aren't respecting the leadership that you are offering to them, it's often for one of just a few reasons. We are gonna talk about those reasons here on this episode of the Manhood Tribe Show. My name's Don, and I'm the founder of Manhood Tribes. I'm really glad that you're joining in today. We are starting what's going to be kind of a brief miniseries here on men and leadership, looking at leadership in several different aspects of what it looks like. For men and the different roles where we tend to offer our leadership to the people and the communities around us. But today, I wanted to just try to specifically dive into this area of why it is that as men, our leadership doesn't often resonate the way that we would like it to. Why is it that we seem to struggle at being able to just lead and have people follow? Why is it so difficult? To be able to do that, and I, I think there's a few things that are going on there that we do need to spend some time addressing, but at the root of all of those things is really one issue in particular that is really kind of the common enemy of all men when it comes to leadership. And that issue, that enemy is really just about passivity. We as men would almost always prefer to just not have to do anything than to have to do something in order for things to work correctly, right? I mean, at the end of the day, if we could just get by with a little more smooth sailing, wouldn't that be nice? Right? Wouldn't if the people around you just operated the way that they should and the way that would make things work the best. Wouldn't that be great? Like if your family ca, if you came home and your, your family had already taken care of the chores that needed doing around the house and your kids had taken care of, uh, all their school responsibilities and clubs or sports responsibilities, everybody was good. and you could just enjoy a nice relaxing evening at home free of conflict and difficulty in relationships. Gosh, wouldn't that be amazing? Right? There would be nothing required of you to have to step in and do anything about that. But the reality is, is that that's just not life at all. It, it never works that way. Not in families, not in workplace teams, not in churches or communities or any, any other place where leadership is required, and that's just because people are people. We all have different opinions, different wants, desires, agendas, temperaments, and personalities. And when you throw all of those things into the mix, they're going to conflict with one another in some way. Sometimes those conflicts are, uh, eruptive and disastrous and can really cause problems in relationships, and sometimes those conflicts are just. We're, we're fighting for different things and we're not really sure how to get on the same page and come to the table together. So leadership is really the ability to help people move in the same direction, whether that's your team, whether that's your family, whatever environment that's in you as a man are there to offer some leadership that can help. Everyone move in the same direction and in the same way. So we wanna be able to do that. But passivity is the thing that gets in the way of that, because let's be honest, leadership is hard work and hard days are filled with hard work. As men, the demands on us and the responsibilities that we carry are a lot, even though sometimes the world around us wants to minimize the responsibilities that men carry. The truth is, and you know it, that you carry a lot. It's okay to be honest about that fact. It's okay to admit it. I'm carrying a lot and when it can feel like leadership is demanding even more of you then you know, the idea of passivity looks really nice. It feels really comfortable because, gosh, it would just be good if like I didn't have to do anything in this situation. I'm already billing, being pulled in a million different directions. Do I really need to step up and step in and to help provide leadership in this area? To sadly, but often the answer is yes. You really do. And as a man, you've got to find the courage to be able to do that, and the strength to be able to follow through on it. So we want to talk about how to be able to do that. How can you resist the passivity, the pull towards just doing nothing or to avoiding doing something and actually be able to step in as a leader who has something to offer that actually does make a difference. So this is the thing we, we avoid stepping in as leaders sometimes because we're just not sure that our leadership is gonna matter. Like, okay, is it gonna actually make things better if I step into this situation? If I say something to this person, if I offer my opinion in this area? Because if it's not gonna make anything better, then what's the point? Why? Why do I actually want to jump into the fray? If either I'm only gonna make things worse, or by doing so I'm gonna become the target, and now everybody's animosity is aimed at me. That's the last thing that any of us want, right? And so that's why staying quiet, staying silent, staying inactive. Being passive can often feel like the best choice because it just doesn't bring any of that heat on us if we do that. The problem is that it, it doesn't actually solve anything. It doesn't help move people in a better direction. And as a man, we're not called to passivity. We're called to step in and to help move things in a positive direction. So what are some ways that we can actually do that? In a manner that's going to be effective, that actually can work. Let's talk about three big shifts that can help to be able to move you from passivity to a leadership that can actually work. But before we jump into those things, I wanna tell you a little bit of a story about how leadership has worked in my own life lately. So as has been true, I think with a whole lot of families and couples in America, things have gotten really tight for us budget wise, right? The affordability crisis is a real thing. We're not really buying more than we used to, but everything just costs more. And so we were starting to recognize that, say we, my wife and I were starting to recognize that our budget just wasn't stretching as far as it used to, and we had gotten into a pattern of. Regularly spending more than we were making. We were dipping into savings or even into credit card debt to be able to just cover our expenses month to month. And you know, this wasn't going away. Maybe if you do that for a little while, you can recover from it. But you know, we're now going years on end into this affordability issue and it's not going away anytime soon. And so we really had to say, okay, something has to be done. But that's really the problem is that for a long time I resisted having to do anything right? I was just being passive. I was wanting this affordability issue to just go away, can't prices, just go back down and then we can just, you know, keep not having to worry about it. Our budget was working just fine, just a short while ago. Why do I have to put all this effort into figuring out how to do this better? Can't other things just kind of solve the problem for me? Gosh, that is so tempting. The pull of that is so alluring because it really is like, can't life just solve my problems without me having to do anything about it? But we all know that it doesn't work that way. And so eventually I had to come to the hard conclusion of saying, this is gonna take work on my part. But it's worth it because if I don't step in, we're going to keep overspending. We're going to continue eating into our savings, we're going to continue adding up debt, and none of those things is good for me or for my family, especially in the long run. It's. Only putting us into a harder place financially. So I made the hard call and the hard decision to start taking a close look at our monthly finances. I downloaded a financial app to be able to track our expenses. I started looking at our checking and savings account and trying to see where things were going. And over the course of a few months, I just made some mental notes of, oh, I see where we're having some problems, and these are the things that need to be addressed. And after really kind of paying attention to things for a couple months, I like made a list, okay, here's some things that we could try to address. And then I sat down with my wife and we had a full on budget meeting. We went through everything, all the spending, all the savings. Where everything was going, where we're actually losing money, where we could actually stand to make some positive improvements. And so I came up with a list of, here's some things that we need to do. Here's a place where we could cut back. Here's a tactic that we could try to actually be able to save a little bit more. Here's one place where we're not putting enough money into it, and so we need to cut back in one of these other areas so that we actually can put more money over here'cause more's just required there. And oh, we've got some other bills that are going up. Our kids are getting older. We're now having to pay for things like car insurance and braces and looking at college education and all kinds of other things that are just more and more expensive. So how are we planning for those things? Okay. We had to talk about all of that, but in talking about it, she and I were able to get on the same page. Come up with a strategy and a plan for how we are going to handle our budget and actually move forward with positive steps. We're beginning to see our budget get back under control, and those kinds of things are what leadership actually looks like. It's not all that difficult when you really finally do agree to do it, but it does take some initial courage and some initial getting over that hump to be able to say, okay, I'm going to step in. I'm going to lead in this place. So what are the shifts then the three big shifts that we need to talk about in order to try to pursue that kind of leadership? The first one is that we need to say Don't be passive. Take action. Okay, so we've talked a little bit about passivity already, but the point here is, is that we've got to actually resist the pull to passivity and recognize it when it's happening. When we know that we're feeling that temptation of, Ugh, gosh, I really don't want to have to do something about this. That is actually the time when you need to do something about it. That's the moment when it's best to be able to say, yep, as a man. Action is required of me, and I need to figure out how to step into this place. And maybe you don't quite know how to step into that place. It might not be something just like your family budget. It might be a major team crisis that you're going through at work and you're not really sure what kind of solution is needed there. Or it might be that. One of your kids is going through a serious mental health crisis and you're not sure how to be able to provide some help. That's where taking action looks like looking for other people that can help you through that crisis. That's where being a part of a tribe can come in so handy is that you've got. Other people around you, other guys who can help push you and challenge you, but also encourage you to be able to take the steps that you need to take and other people who have perspectives that aren't yours to be able to say, you might want to try doing this, you might want to pursue this. And hey. We'll help you. We'll help you make sure that you're making those phone calls, that you're talking to the people that you need to, that you're having the appointments that you need to, and we'll follow up with you to see how it's going. You're not in this fight alone, but you do need to figure out how to get those guys around you so that you will be able to draw on their strength to help you get through those challenges. So don't be passive. Take action. That's the first one. The second one is don't be a victim. Take responsibility now. This is a big one, and especially for younger men in our culture today. This is a lot of the way that younger men have been taught to think. Our culture really does put a lot of emphasis on blame shifting as a way of being able to deal with the crises that we face in an everyday situation. I've got two teenage boys and they both in their school systems have come across this situation a whole lot where most of their homework assignments are done digitally. And so they do it on their computer through some kind of, uh, digital classroom environment, and then they have to submit their work. So instead of the days when I was in school where you did it on paper and you actually handed it into the teacher, now you do it on a computer and you hit submit. To be able to hand it in well, more times than I can count. There's a real issue for them and with their classmates of, oh, I did the work, but I forgot to hit submit. And then the next day or several days later, they'll find out that they got a low grade on an assignment because the teacher's saying, uh, you didn't turn this in and I count it off points every day that you were late handing it in. And they'll gripe and complain about, oh, but I did the work. I did. It was all done. It was right there. I just didn't hit the submit button. You shouldn't count off points because I didn't hit submit. As if it's the teacher's fault that you didn't hand it in on time. Okay? This is the same type of victim thinking that I'm really talking about. Victim thinking just looks for ways to be able to assign blame to someone else for the problems that exist in your life. Now, look, I'm not gonna say that every difficulty in your life is your fault. That's not the point here. The point here is to take responsibility of what you can take responsibility for. You are responsible for your actions and your attitudes. You can control those things. No matter what, what you do and how you portray yourself are entirely up to you and no one can affect those things about you. Now, how other people handle your actions and your attitudes is up to them, and you can't control that, but you do need to take responsibility for the things that you can take responsibility for. So if your team is having a hard time being able to complete some kind of a task or a project at work, but that's because some other department is slow in getting something done or you're waiting on some other person to be able to add their contribution in. And it's really tempting to want to blame these people over here for not doing their part again. That's you not taking responsibility. If at the end of the day your team is responsible for delivering on something and just because someone else didn't do their job means that you didn't do yours and you're gonna try to blame shift. That's really not okay. That's not good leadership. The good leader stands up and says, how can we take responsibility here? Okay, this other department isn't coming through the way that we need them to. So what? Can we move forward with even without them? Or how can we get additional help that we might need if we're not sure that this department is gonna come through? Or what's another leader who we can talk to about making sure that these deadlines are met when they need to be met, or they're extended so that we can meet them when they need to be met. But what can we do? What can we be responsible for as a, as a team and as you, as the leader to be able to make. Things happen that you can actually make happen. Let your responsibilities and your actions be in your control. Don't be a victim. Don't blame shift. Just stand up and take responsibility so that you can move forward in the best ways possible. All right, that's number two. Don't be a victim. Take responsibility. Lastly, number three is don't be silent. Take a stand. Now, this is a little bit related to the first one about not being passive, but passivity and silence aren't always the same thing. Sometimes silence can be a really good thing. If something is heated and there's major conflict or major drama involved. Sometimes the best way that you can handle that is just by not saying anything and listening really well. That might be the best way to help cool tempers down, to be able to diffuse the situation and to allow for truth to surface and to get past a lot of the noise and the emotion that might be involved in the situation. But that's not always the case. Sometimes silence is just about, I don't want to have to say the hard thing in this situation. I need to address a situation with a coworker that's not going well, or with a, an employee, a team member who's not doing what they're supposed to. I need to have a hard conversation with a boss who's not handling something well. I need to talk to my wife or to my kids about something that they're doing poorly, and I just don't want to have that conversation. It's probably not gonna be easy to have. The outcome of it is not likely to be good, but something needs to be addressed and you are choosing silence instead of taking a stand because you think that's the easier path that's going to ruffle fewer feathers and it's gonna cause less. Friction. And while that might be true, it's also going to allow the dysfunction to continue unchecked. It's also going to allow the dysfunction to continue unchecked. You are not leading, you are not taking a stand, and because of that, the things that aren't working right are gonna continue to not work, right? So it's time to speak up. It's time to actually voice your opinion. It's time to offer your leadership. It's time to have that hard conversation and to actually begin to try to talk through those things. A leader recognizes that in very charged situations like that, the first conversation might not go well. It might surface a lot of emotions, and those emotions have to come out in some unhealthy ways before they can then later be dealt with in healthy ways. That's just part of being human. A leader also recognizes though, that until you start addressing things, you're not going to get to the solution that you really need. So. Don't be silent. Take a stand. Stand up and say the things that need to be said and allow change to begin to take place. That's what leadership looks like. Okay, so we've got three things. Don't be passive. Take action. Don't be a victim. Take responsibility. Don't be silent. Take a stand. And if you can do those things, you'll begin to see your leadership shift in a way that people actually want to follow you. Whether that's in your workplace or in your family, or in any other environment. What you have to offer as a man will begin to make a difference. Now as you hear some of those things, you might just be thinking, that is so hard for me. I am just not the guy who knows how to do that. And that's really probably comes down to an issue of courage. You are just, that tends to be the place where you really struggle when it comes to being able to find the courage to make some of those hard choices as a leader and as a. Courage is one of the five marks of manhood that we talk about a lot here at Manhood Tribes. And so if you'd like to learn more about that, the best way to be able to do that is by picking up a copy of my book, how to Be a Man, which is where I talk all about these five marks of manhood and how you can get better at each one of those things, including in the area of courage. So if you'll just go on Amazon, you can look for how to be a man and pick up a copy of that today. It will get you started in figuring out how to grow as a man and as a leader. Now as we wrap up this episode, I want to just talk to you briefly about what it can look like for you as you begin to lead. Well, remember we talked about leadership as getting people moving in the same direction, and if you can begin to lead well in your team environment and in your family environment, seeing everybody moving in the same direction is actually going to bring the kind of peace that you've been wanting all along. Most often men choose passivity because they think that's the quickest road to peace. But honestly, that peace only comes on the other side of leadership. You're going to have to be the man who stands up, who steps in, who begins to take charge, who offers his opinion and his strengths, and is able to say, I think I know the direction that we all need to be moving in, and let's try this. Sometimes you might meet with resistance, but more often than not, when there's a gap in leadership, if you'll just simply step in and try to fill it, people will start to follow you. When there's no one standing up as a leader, it's easy for anybody to choose the person who's standing up and saying, I think I know how to get us there. I think I know which direction we need to go in. So you be that guy. You be the man. Who has something to offer, who has something to say, and can help guide people in a direction that leads them to positive change, to peaceful relationships and to the desired outcomes that they're really looking for. Okay. I hope this episode has been helpful for you as we've talked about what it looks like to be a man who can lead. We're gonna continue in this series by having several interviews with guys who are gonna help us look at different aspects of leadership in a men in a man's life. And I'm really excited for these interviews coming up. I think are gonna be super helpful for you guys, and I can't wait to hear your feedback. Put something in the comments down below to let me know what was most helpful for you today. What of the three big shifts do you most need to make in your life? And I'd love to interact with you in the comment section about that. Thanks for joining us today, guys here on the Manhood Tribe Show, and I look forward to talking to you again soon. We'll see you.