Your Actions Don't Match Your Intentions? Here's Why

Most men want to lead well—but feel stuck when it comes to actually following through. We're continuing our series on leadership, focusing today on the crucial aspect of self leadership. This is about taking control of your own path and achieving personal mastery, which is vital for any man seeking self improvement. We'll explore how this journey can significantly contribute to your personal growth and ultimately, help you be a better man.

In this conversation with Dusty Holcomb, we break down why self-leadership is the foundation for everything—and how your habits, your calendar, and your discipline reveal the kind of man you're actually becoming. 💪

- Why self-leadership is the gateway to real impact
- How your calendar exposes your true priorities
- The danger of waiting for perfect conditions
- Why discipline—not motivation—creates growth
- How to build a system that actually changes your life
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Episode 073: Your Actions Don't Match Your Intentions? Here's Why
Timestamps
00:00 Introduction
03:00 The power of mentorship
07:30 What self-leadership actually means
10:30 Why most men avoid leading themselves
13:00 Your calendar reveals your priorities
16:00 Why “perfect” is the enemy of progress
18:30 Discipline and doing the hard thing
21:00 The importance of brotherhood and accountability
24:00 Leadership rules of engagement
27:00 Creating clarity and alignment
30:00 Building a leadership operating system
34:00 Purpose, vision, and execution
37:00 Weekly reflection practice
40:00 Why self-leadership changes everything
42:00 Wrap up and comment prompt

💪 Want to know how you measure up as a man? Take our free quiz, called How Manly Are You? and learn how you can get better at being a man. Download for free at manhoodtribes.com/manly. 💪

Transcript

Don Ross 0:01

Welcome to the Manhood Tribe Show. I'm your host, Don, and really glad that you are joining in with us today. We are continuing this series on men and leadership and just talking about all the different ways that we as men need to be focused on what it means to be a good, a healthy, and a strong leader. Uh, I'm really excited today we're gonna dive in particularly into the topic of self-leadership because I think that's an aspect of leadership that we as men don't. Probably pay enough attention to, we think a lot about different aspects of leadership, but not often how we need to be leading ourselves. Uh, and so we're gonna spend some time talking about that today and to help us talk through that, uh, I've got Dusty Holcomb here on the show. Dusty is the founder of the acus Group and the host of the Leadership Unlocked Podcast. He helps leaders install what he calls a leadership operating system so that leaders can themselves grow and, uh, lead with purpose, clarity, and alignment. He's part strategist, part coach, and fully committed to helping leaders reclaim their energy, their time, and their purpose. Dusty, really glad you're on the show today, man. Thanks for being with us.

Dusty Holcomb 1:05

Don, I, it is such a pleasure and I'm, uh, I'm very grateful for the opportunity to, to hopefully share something that can be a positive impact and influence on, on the lives of others and of, of the men that you get to influence. So thank you for letting me, uh, come share today.

Don Ross 1:19

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Okay, man. Well, let's start off, uh, I'd love for you to just be able to tell a little bit about who you are and, uh, help the listeners get to know you a little bit. You had a successful career as a CEO. Um, what kind of helped you think about transitioning from doing that and then getting into leadership coaching?

Dusty Holcomb 1:37

You know, it's such an interesting question in the lens of like, that's not what I planned to be. In fact, I didn't plan to be, uh, uh, an advisor, coach, consultant, mentor. I didn't plan any of these things. You know, for me, when I look back through the lens of under understanding and I go, oh. God was working through my life in very powerful ways that I didn't understand all the way back to as a child in the fifth grade being given the opportunity to stop going to school. And that, you know, what 10th, 10-year-old fifth grader doesn't, you know, when the parents say, Hey, would you like to stay home and no longer go to school?

Don Ross 2:14

Uh, yes.

Dusty Holcomb 2:15

and go, heck yeah, sign me up. Um, and, and, and I did that. And hindsight being 2020, I can recognize. And there's a, there's a whole story there, of course, but, um, hindsight being 2020, I can recognize that that was actually the time where I began to understand, or at least began to exhibit principles of leadership, of self, of self-leadership that have carried with me through my entire career. to directly answer your question, the, the reason I do what I do today. Single handedly and unilaterally comes down to the power of a mentor that I had when I was 20 years old, who took me under his wing. He was a retired colonel and taught me what leadership is and isn't, and he, what he taught me was that leadership is not about you. It's about enabling and empowering other people to be successful. And that may not be here and that may not be in this role, but when you lead others, you are charged with their care and you're charged with ensuring that they have the opportunity to be successful. So make no bones about it. It's not

Don Ross 3:25

Yeah. Yeah, that's really good. Uh, tell us, tell us more about that guy and that, uh, mentor relationship. How, how did that come about and how did you get to be in a place where you got lucky enough to, uh, get that kind of influence?

Dusty Holcomb 3:38

Yeah, I had started when I was 16 years old, got a, you know, part-time job, you know, now I look at it and go, I was working 35 hours a week. I'm not sure it was part-time, but, you know, in a men's clothing store. So I, that was my first job. Learn to sell. Learn to read. People learn to create value. And same sales leadership was don't sell anybody anything they don't want. Just find out what they need and help'em find it. Perfect. I can do that.

Don Ross 4:01

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 4:02

Well, I went to the, I wanted to work at the bank, uh, at our local bank. I grew up in Columbus, Georgia, and I had, when I was 16, I went and interviewed the CEO of the bank.'cause I had networked into'em from through somebody, some connection and. Uh, I remember going and sitting across from, across from his, uh, gentleman's name was Sam Welburn. He was the president of the bank. I had no idea, like the, the fact that he gave me 35 minutes of his time was

Don Ross 4:29

All right.

Dusty Holcomb 4:31

And he, he said, well, dusty, what do you want to do? Why are you here? I said, well, I'm. Actually, if I'm completely honest with you, Mr. Walburn, I'm here to interview you to see if the bank is somewhere I wanna work when I get done with college. And I, I, I hear I say that now going, I'm, I'm lucky I wasn't thrown out on my rear end right then and there, but he was such a gracious human

Don Ross 4:52

Yeah, it's the boldness that only a 16-year-old can get away with.

Dusty Holcomb 4:55

Yeah, you were definitely dumber at 16. The, the prefrontal cortex has absolutely not fully developed, you know, uh, at that point. And, but what the way he answered the questions and the way he talked about the mission of the bank and leadership and the servant leadership, that the ethos of that bank. It stayed with me. So I was probably 20 or 21 in college and there was an opportunity and I, I wanted to go work for the bank and so I got a job as a part-time teller. a$22 an hour pay cut, like, and in the early nineties,$2 an hour was a lot of money.'cause I was making$4 and 25 cents an hour when I started. I did it to go work at the bank. And after working at the bank a year. I did it, you know, I loved my work. It was fun. Um, I had an opportunity to go to the call center and when I went to the call center, uh, Colonel Greg Camp, he was a retired West Pointer. Full bird colonel. He was running the, the call center and, uh, he saw something in me that I didn't see and really took me under his wing, began mentoring me, began giving me counsel and feedback and wisdom as only a person. Who has nothing to prove and everything to gain by enabling success and others can do. And you know, there's so many lessons that, that he gave me along the way, but principally one, you know, and he, and I remember vividly him sharing this with me was, you know, when s young soldiers, young lieutenants or captains rotated under me, I knew I had'em for two years and my job was to make'em make sure they did two things. They, they performed their tasks today and they were ready for their next assignment.

Don Ross 6:32

Hmm.

Dusty Holcomb 6:33

So that, that, that, that individual. Introduced me to so many things, including my first exposure to servant leadership in a, in a book club format, uh, reading leadership by the book, and studying with, you know, seven or eight other, you know, people all who were twice my age and 10 times my, you know, experience and authority. Uh, and including me in that environment where I could, we could, we were studying, you know, servant leadership through the lens of Jesus Christ. And it was like so many. were unlocked and paths were made clear through the relationships he introduced me to.

Don Ross 7:10

Yeah. Uh, I love that. I love, uh, I love those kinds of stories of the relationships that really make a difference in who we are as men, because I think, uh, I think all of us have those right as. Uh, as men, those are a key part of how we develop into the men that we are today. Uh, but we don't often really take advantage of, uh, appreciating the lessons that come from those kinds of relationships. So, uh, yeah. Thanks for letting me take a minute there to, uh, to dive in a little more into that in your life. Uh, that's, that's fantastic. It's a great story. Um, okay, well, let's, let's jump in a little bit into this whole area of self-leadership. You would say that self-leadership. The gateway to enduring impact, what does that look like kind of in just daily practice, you know, the, like how you put that into, into real life and why do you think that this is something that's so often ignored in top level leadership?

Dusty Holcomb 8:02

Yeah, I believe it and I believe it through the lens of first principle. You know, it, it's a first principle thing where it's so incredibly important. What we want to do is we want to create impact and we want to create influences. You know, John Maxwell said,

Don Ross 8:17

Right.

Dusty Holcomb 8:18

Nothing more, nothing less. And in order to do that, we have to understand that leadership is not about us. We have to understand that everything we do is leadership. And so how we show up in the smallest details is how we influence and impact others, which means if we want to show up better, if we want to show up more impactfully and more, uh, authentically. We have to lead ourselves. We have to set a standard of growth or a standard of expectations for ourselves. is what gives us the authority. That was, it gives us the credibility, what gives us the opportunity. lead by example. And if you don't do that, if you just show up based on an authority, role, a title, but don't actually put the behavior patterns behind what you say is important,

Don Ross 9:09

Hm.

Dusty Holcomb 9:09

not gonna have the influence. You're not gonna be, have the impact that you want, and you are not leading yourself. So I very much believe in a sequential order flow that. To create team impact and to create organizational impact, you have to lead yourself first. And, and when you do that, you are always doing it. You know, I lead, I work very hard on leading myself first and. I'm always going to be doing that because my influence will change. My impact will change the people I, you know, I come into contact will change, but I also have to change. I have to get better every single day. I have to be willing to go, Hey, I screwed up back there. I didn't do this thing and it wasn't congruent with what I believe. Um, so that's, that's. The, the, the reason that I believe it's so important, that's why I think it's so impactful, uh, why I think people don't do it is'cause it's hard. People want to get to the point where they just show up and. It's like going to the gym. If you go to the gym every single day and you just put the same weight on the, the rack or the, you know, lift the same weights, you never get actually stronger. You

Don Ross 10:16

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 10:16

get stronger when you're uncomfortable.

Don Ross 10:19

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 10:20

only get stronger when you're pushing through something that you used to not be able to do. And that's what self-leadership is like. You're pushing through things in areas of discomfort. Um, so some ways that I apply that is in how I reflect. plan and how I learn and assess so that I can make micro changes. You know, at this point I'm not trying to make, you know, huge adjustments, but I'm always making adjustments. Uh, and in some cases, like I realized I'm working through a plateau right now. Like, okay, I need to make some macro changes. I've gotta change how I am thinking about showing up so that my impact and influence can be greatened for the benefit of others.

Don Ross 11:03

Yeah. So, okay. So help us then with thinking about this category. cause

Dusty Holcomb 11:07

Mm.

Don Ross 11:07

I, I think, I think most. Leaders have at least heard the term self-leadership, but uh, are probably in a place where, you know, if somebody just says to you, Hey, dude, you really need to be working on your self-leadership. Like, what does that even mean? Where, where do we start with that conversation? Like, how do I even look at myself in terms of the way that I think about how to lead myself?

Dusty Holcomb 11:28

Sure. So, uh, I would love that question and, and here's why. Because the easiest thing, and I, I see this in organizations, whether I'm working with the CEO of a half billion dollar company, which I have clients like that, or I'm working with a solo entrepreneur. the, the first thing that we can always laser in on is execution. We can always talk about what's not happening, what the gap is, what we want to have happen. what we have to do is, and this applies to teams and it most is especially applies to, to self-leadership, is we have to step back and go, do we have. do we have understanding? And with that we can build alignment. And when we talk about through the self-leadership lens, we talk about alignment with our own systems, with our own time, all that, with teams, like do we have, do teams understand and build? So self-leadership, and, and, and the way I decode it is are we clear on where we're going? Do we have absolute clarity on what matters? And have we decided in advance how we're gonna invest our energy in the, behavioral examples that we want to exemplify? And so I'll g I'll give you a very specific example of that. When I think about self-leadership, when I sit down with someone and say, okay, you know, what's the most important thing? They'll, they'll tell me their most important thing. I say, well, show me your calendar, okay? And show me your calendar. Where does your most important thing fit on your calendar? I'm not seeing this thing that you have said is the most important thing that you need to do, that you need to accomplish, that you need to prioritize. Where's it on your calendar? Your calendar does not lie if you put, if you're honest with yourself. So. Honest with yourself says, I need to lead myself to make better choices and I'm gonna manage my calendar differently. And I'm guilty of this. Like every human being fails here. It's almost

Don Ross 13:18

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 13:19

it's almost like a case of, um, we need enduring grace because we we're always gonna do something that requires that self leadership's the same way. I'm gonna fail every.

Don Ross 13:30

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 13:30

get a little bit better. And people, when we start thinking about this, we start going First principle, do you have clarity on why you're here? Where you're going, how you're gonna get there, what, what work you need to do to make it happen, and then what's in it for you or what's in it for those that you serve. And when you start decoding that, you can start saying, now I can create an activation system that allows me to apply the thinking that allows me to apply the disciplines. know, at the end of the day, self-leadership is a discipline. It's a disciplined process that allows you to reflect. Learn and activate based on you what it is that you want to become, who it is you want to become.

Don Ross 14:16

Yeah, I, I love that. Uh, I love, uh, the whole calendar analogy I think is really helpful and it makes me think about, uh, a few years ago, my wife and I, uh, we were kind of asked that question and, and were forced to take a hard look at our own calendars. And, um, we very quickly understood that our biggest priority was eating at Chick-fil-A because that was what was most often on our calendar. Uh, so we had to figure out how our. Finances were aligning with our actual goals in life. So, um, but yeah, I, I, I hear that kind of question and, and I especially see it, the need for it to be applied with men, um, all the time around particular areas. So as I talk with men, you know, I think the things that come up the most, uh, in, in terms of like, let's take a look at your calendar and, and it tends to come up short as in the areas of faith. Family and fitness. Right? So, and, and there's like three F's, and I don't mean it to to be corny, but you ask a guy what his priorities are and almost always those three things are gonna show up in his priority list. But then you take it to the level of, all right, show me where that is on your calendar. And it's a struggle to find those things or. He'll say, well, you know, uh, my kids have all these like sports or activities that they're involved in and here on my calendars where I was at the ballpark or at the theater or at the, you know, whatever, whatever, whatever that my kid is involved in. And I was like, is that really family time? Or you're just showing up to the same activity that your kid is doing and, but you guys aren't doing anything together. So there's a lot of this just kind of. Used up space in most guys' calendars that don't actually reflect our values for the kind of men that we want to be. So I, dude, I really appreciate that analogy. I think that's the, the really, the best starting place for most guys is just to look at like, who do I want to be as a man and does my calendar actually reflect that? So, uh, well done. I think that's a great starting place. Uh, you, you tend to kind of build off of that. You talked about, uh, you've got like a four part model and clarity's kind of like the first part of that. Is that right.

Dusty Holcomb 16:09

It is,

Don Ross 16:09

Yeah. Okay. So walk us through the rest of it.

Dusty Holcomb 16:11

So the first thing, when we think about this, do we have clarity about what's important? And then we start thinking about, well, how, what is it I need to actually do? What's my vision of this future? You know, clarity on why I'm here, clarity on where I'm going. Then what do I need to do? What's the plan? What are the things, what are the non-negotiables? Let's stick with the calendar metaphor for just a minute. Where am I blocking that time? And, and I think. Oftentimes we get into this, it's either right or it's wrong, and we don't set minimum thresholds or minimum standards. I'll give you an example. You know, I, I, I heard this, someone speak about this years and years ago, and I really liked it and it made it part of my. Uh, operating system as a, as a person, like about working out. And I used to fall into this trap. I used to do a bunch of Ironman racing and, you know, crazy stuff like that. So I got into this mentality of if I couldn't go for a 10 mile run, it wasn't even worth going. Or if I couldn't go to the gym for an hour and a half, it was just like. I don't have time to work out.

Don Ross 17:10

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 17:10

I, I didn't have an hour and a half to work out, but that was not the truth. The truth was I was choosing to make the standard of performance the minimum standard of an hour and a half.

Don Ross 17:20

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 17:21

I give myself permission to go, okay, today, this schedule, I don't have an hour and a half, but what can I do?

Don Ross 17:29

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 17:29

choice can I enable? So getting clarity on what's important, and then allowing yourself to build a plan that isn't based on perfect, but is, uh, based on the to optimize choices. What are the choices I'm gonna make? What are the choices I do have? And then I will make those choices. Um, and, and, and when we do that, we start connecting the dots between. Who we want to be, we want to go and what we need to do. And then once we've done that, we've just decided, and then we just have to execute. We actually have to be accountable. And that's like the fourth step is this commitment, this honoring of commitment. So I'll, I'll give you this example from today. When we record this early morning meeting, my wife's outta town, I'm getting the, the kiddo to, uh, school, and I did not choose. I didn't say, I'm not saying I didn't have time. I did not choose to get up at four and work out because I got home at midnight last night from a road trip. right? So I chose to sleep. Later when I got home from dropping'em off from school, I had exactly 32 minutes and I said, okay, what can I get done? I can do a hundred pushups, I can do this, I can do that, and I can go get Nicole Punch for five minutes. Like that's my, that's my minimum standard for today. But I had chose to do that. It was my discipline said, I will not. and just do nothing because that's not leading Myself, leading myself is doing the decision making, the decision to do the hard thing, because it's not all about sunshine and rose. It's like if leading yourself was easy, we'd all do it and we'd just show up and it'd be, it'd be perfect. not, it's actually choosing to do the hard thing you don't want to do

Don Ross 19:06

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 19:07

as a forcing function to be the person you want to be.

Don Ross 19:10

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 19:11

for me, the, the best example I can think of is a cold punch. There is nothing in my body that wants to go get in a 40 degree tub of water, you know, for five minutes, you know, early in the morning. But I know that when I make that choice, every other choice I make at throughout the day is an easier choice.

Don Ross 19:27

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 19:28

I've done the hard decision. Um, and so that, that's kind of the framework. One other thing that you mentioned that I want to touch on,'cause I think this is really important, it's the ability to be intentional. Time is one category of intentionality. Being present with those that we love is another category of intentionality.

Don Ross 19:47

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 19:48

The relationships and people we choose to surround ourselves with is so incredibly important.

Don Ross 19:53

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 19:54

Are we curating with intention, which means leading ourselves, the men that we want to be around, the ones that sharpen us and iron sharpens iron. Are we doing it in a way that doesn't depress us, but elevates us?

Don Ross 20:10

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 20:10

I'm a firm believer. You're like, you know, show me your friends. And, uh, one of my mentors actually showed me this, said, show me your friends and I'll show you your future.

Don Ross 20:17

Mm-hmm.

Dusty Holcomb 20:18

have to be intentional. And

Don Ross 20:20

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 20:20

like that, that. theme here is an intentional curation of the systems, processes, and disciplines necessary to become the person you want to be and the grace to allow yourself to not be perfect.

Don Ross 20:35

Uh, this is great. You're, uh, you're speaking manhood, tribes language. Now, uh, when you, you talk about the, the. F the men that you have around you and, and the kind of man that you become based on that.

Dusty Holcomb 20:44

Hmm

Don Ross 20:44

That is, uh, that's kinda straight out of, uh, we talk about what are called the five marks of manhood, and one of those is honor. And in our world, honor really just means doing right by the peers around you. So, uh, men are just wired for this. We do this innately, you know, whether we intend to or not, we become like the men that we are around. And so we talk about how important it is as a man to choose the kind of men that you want to be around, that you're gonna end up becoming like, because that's how, that's just how we work as men. That's how things are going to play out. So honor is really all about making a good choice about the men that you surround yourselves with, because you're gonna grow into becoming like them. They're gonna have far more of an influence on you than you will directly on them. You know? It, it's kind of the way that it works. Um, and so, uh, you know, figuring out who are the men that I wanna become like, and how do I get around those kind of men, uh, is, is so crucial. That's, that's the nature of honor. And honor is such a huge part of what it means to be part of a tribe. So, uh, I'm translating what you're saying and our language, but uh, but yeah, we're, we're speaking the same thing.

Dusty Holcomb 21:45

I think it's a one-to-one match for sure.

Don Ross 21:48

That's great. Okay, so in light of that then, uh, I know one of the things that you like to talk about is just, uh, advocating for, for leaders the importance of kind of like small group accountability. Um, why do you think that that's so important? And, and, and in particular, why is it so important for leadership? That's not really something that gets talked about in leadership circles very often. So like why is this a, a key ingredient for you?

Dusty Holcomb 22:10

Yeah, I think I think of it through this lens as I, if I assume I have all the answers, well, I'm wrong. And if I assume as the leader or as a leader that I'm the smartest person in the room, I am wrong, or I'm in the wrong room, right? So when we think about the ability to have small groups of leadership, what we're really talking about is the ability to have direct. Candid, authentic and vulnerable conversations, and it's incredibly important in leadership. If you operate from the principle that it is not about me and I'm here to achieve a mission, I'm a missionary, not a mercenary. Then in order to do that, and in order to do that well, I have to have rules that allow. to communicate with me well, and for me to communicate with clarity and create clarity, uh, for them and how I'm going to show up as a leader, whether I am leading this team or I'm a leader on this team. I think it's, you know, it really doesn't matter. It's how do I create clarity. And as I mentioned a minute ago, we always talk about, and again, it doesn't matter if I'm talking to a half billion dollar company or you know, a million dollar company, we easily can diagnose execution problems, execution gaps. When we start talking about the real root cause of these things, it's almost always a gap in clarity and alignment. And when we don't have clarity, we can't have alignment. And when we don't have alignment, we can't get execution.

Don Ross 23:40

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 23:40

And so these small group teams and creating the, the conversation that allows authentic dialogue where someone can say, I don't have to be right, and I don't have all the answers. What do you think is incredibly powerful? One of the things that that I do in working with leaders. Whether they're leading only themselves or they're leading very large teams, is establishing and helping them create their own personal leadership clarity so that they can communicate with others. And in the small group context, I think this is particularly important. I call this our leadership rules of engagement, like where we actually sit down and we codify. people don't even have this clearly codified for themselves. And so like I'll hear from leaders, the symptom or the small group team symptom is they don't understand. Why don't they do what they're supposed to do? I don't understand why there's so much friction and tension and you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. Well, do they, do they understand your expectations? Well, they should. I've told'em, well, tell me what you've told'em. Well, I haven't actually said this thing,

Don Ross 24:40

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 24:41

know that because that's just how that, that's what

Don Ross 24:43

Should. Yeah. Should.

Dusty Holcomb 24:45

You know, you can, should yourself to

Don Ross 24:46

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 24:49

We, we need to translate from good intention into good execution. The way to

Don Ross 24:55

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 24:55

is to be clear in our minds and communicate with others. So we actually walk through a process and I'm gonna, I'm gonna give this to your audience as a guide, as something they can download and walk through and the entire process of codifying. What do you value most as a leader? do you expect from yourself as you show up? Like, here's what, here's the standards I have set for myself and here's how I expect to show up. Let me put a pin in that, right Andrew, or let me dive deep on that right now in the context of a small group and

Don Ross 25:23

Okay.

Dusty Holcomb 25:24

of an accountability function, when I have told other people what I expect of myself, what I'm doing is I am saying, here is my standard and I want your help. If you see me violate my own standard, I invite you to call me out.

Don Ross 25:42

Hmm.

Dusty Holcomb 25:42

you to hold me accountable. You know, if I tell you here's what I expect for myself and I don't do it, and then you tell me and I say, I don't wanna hear from you. All I'm doing is, you know, being a charlatan, it doesn't mean anything.

Don Ross 25:54

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 25:54

I can tell you a story for me. I, I had a COO, uh, in a, in a prior company, and so he worked for, worked for me. He was, uh, a incredible. Operator, an incredible leader. we had our monthly one-on-one meeting, and for me, one-on-one meetings were their time. I didn't control the agenda, I didn't, uh, set the, the tone. It was their time to come in to meet. I had just gotten an Apple watch, so this is maybe 10 or 15 years ago whenever it came out. And, you know, I was hot stuff, right? It was cool. This is the new tech and I'm, you know, I'm a nerd. Um, and so we're in this meeting and we don't sit behind a desk. We sit. at chairs and tables, uh, in the office, and my watch kept going off and I kept dinging. I'd look at it and I'd look down at it, and I'd look down at it. We're 10 minutes into this meeting, and George, he stops. He said, Hey, dusty. I appreciate that this time is set aside for me to work through the things that are important to me in my role right now. there is something more important than me in this time going on in your life today, and I would like to reschedule this meeting for a time when you can be fully present. This has gotta work for me.

Don Ross 27:09

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 27:09

No.

Don Ross 27:11

Bold.

Dusty Holcomb 27:12

But Yeah, but

Don Ross 27:13

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 27:13

only, it wasn't bold at all though, because it was an expectation and we had that relationship where he knew not only was it safe, it was expected that he would call me out.'cause what I expect for myself is to be fully present and focused on you. And if you don't see that behavior, I want you to let me know.'cause

Don Ross 27:31

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 27:32

know I'm doing it.

Don Ross 27:33

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 27:33

In small groups with men, when we have the relationships that say, I invite you into this conversation and here's what's important to me. Hold me accountable. We have an opportunity to become better and we aren't doing it alone. And I think that that's what most people have a fallacy about is they think self-leadership is lonely leadership.

Don Ross 27:54

Hmm.

Dusty Holcomb 27:54

that way.

Don Ross 27:55

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 27:56

curating with intent against a defined set of expectations that you have of yourself. The right people who can help sharpen you.

Don Ross 28:04

Uh, that's so good. I, I, there's a whole bunch of things that go through my head as you're, as you're talking through that. Uh, one is, uh, I'll just, I'll share the story That is a, a leadership lesson that I've heard many times, but, uh, I think it's so good. It's a story I heard about, uh, I don't even know if it's entirely true, but it's a great story. It's a great illustration of a, of a team leader who. Was just working really hard to try to help, um, his voice not be the kind of dominant, you know, squashing voice on the team where, uh, you know, when he would speak up in a meeting, then nobody else would have anything to say. And he recognized that that was the dynamic that he had created on his team, and he didn't want it to be the case anymore. So he made this little placard, uh, that he had on one side. Uh, it. Said, uh, team member. And on the other side it said, boss and he invited everyone in his team that he was gonna sit down in their meetings and he was gonna put it in front of him in a way that it, it, it said team member. And he said, anytime that I contribute that you don't feel like I'm contributing as a team member, I want you to take this placard and turn around so that it says boss. So, so that I'm aware I'm acting like a boss and you're not feeling like it's safe for you to be able to contribute anymore. And, uh, and so sure enough, you know, in their first team meeting. One of the team members, uh, had the courage to actually reach across the table, turn the placard around, you know, and, and it said, boss and I, I thought, you know, the story is basically that he had the humility and the reaction to say, okay, I take back what I said, you guys continue the conversation and I'll just listen. And, which I think is great. Uh, but I think as you're describing it, it reminds me like not only is. Inviting people into those kinds of conversations, so important. But our reaction to when they actually speak up is equally important. You know, we've got to actually give them the space to be able to speak about those things in a way that says, I, I asked you to do this right, and I value your opinion now that you're doing it, and I'm willing to listen. So, uh, gosh, I think that's so good. In, in manhood, Travis language, we call that getting naked. So this is our way of just saying like, yeah, we have got to strip down and be honest about what is really going on with ourselves and the way that things are operating, and we need other guys around us to help be able to see what is happening in my life, what is going well, what is not going well, and what is in the way of me becoming. The man that I truly want to be. But the only way that that starts is if we invite people into our story in that way. So, uh, I love what you're saying there, you know, again, I'm, I'm translating. Um, but, uh, but I think we're on the same page.

Dusty Holcomb 30:31

I think it's a one-to-one translation again, and, and through that lens, only way you can have those types of authentic, vulnerable conversations is when you are clear for yourself

Don Ross 30:42

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 30:42

what's important and how you wanna show up. And like when we walk through this guide with leaders, we go down this path of, you know, what are, what is it you expect from your team? What is, how do you give and receive feedback? How do you make decisions? How do you wanna be approached? And what are the non-negotiables? The reason I think these are important is. People, whether it's a small team, large team, a family unit, it doesn't matter if you set these rules out, these rules of engagement, you know, that tell you what is good, what is bad, how you can't, or how you can't behave, creates clarity. And when you say I want to be humble and I may not always be, and I may say the things the wrong way and I once you to call me up, you give people permission slips to be part of your bettering, which is so powerful.

Don Ross 31:26

Yeah, that's great. Uh, I, I love it. I love every bit of that and I, I think, um, I think it's so helpful for me, even as I think about. Uh, what we do at Manhood Tribes of being able to bring that into, not just, you know, I, I tend to operate in the relational and the spiritual spaces, um, but thinking about how to bring that into the leadership space, uh, is, is really, really helpful there. So, uh, guys, we're gonna come back to that, uh, resource that Dusty mentioned. We'll talk about that at the end. So hang tight for that, um, to find out more details about that. Uh. Really cool. I'm excited for you guys, uh, for this opportunity, for this resource that he's providing. But before we get to that, dusty, I want to just hear a little bit, you, you kind of teased a minute ago about your leadership operating system, and I would love for you to tell us a little bit more about that and kind of like what even is a leadership operating system and, uh, you know, how, like, how is it unique in terms of what you do with your coaching model?

Dusty Holcomb 32:15

Yeah. Uh, so it's, I love this, you know, a leadership operating system. Well, think of an operating system, right? What is it that runs your computer? It's command code that has a sequential oriented process of doing things in order of operations that allow a result to be created. And so an operating system is just that. It's a prescription of the order of operations with certain elements or certain commands. To make a reality true, you know, to make it this thing we want happen. a leadership operating system is this idea of what is the sequential order of commands that I need to follow, this playbook I need to follow so that I can create the outcomes I want. I think that that is in, in its essence, that's all that it is and the, the framework that I like to walk through. Is very, very simple, but it takes the oppor, it takes sitting down and getting clarity so that you can answer these questions. And when we walk through this with our, we do this through leadership impact accelerators, we'll pull 12, uh, men or women into a tribe, a group. And we walk through this entire process over a 12 week period. So they get to do that one command line at a time so that at the end it's just becomes part of the DNA. That's why we do it over a 12 week period. But it starts with leading yourself. It starts with understanding who you are. Behaviorally and that guide I'm gonna give you, we use this same thing when I'm coaching, you know, leaders of, you know, billion dollar companies. I use this exact same tool. It's, it's a very high powered disc assessment. cause it does such a great job of exposing, here are your behavioral tendencies. And so when you know that, when you have self-awareness that you know you don't like this type of behavior or you love this type of behavior, you know, this is your default state. You can sit there and go. Huh, I now am aware so I can make choices that either leverage this for effect or minimize this from distraction. So we start with that. We start with the self-leadership module. I'm gonna include that as a, that assessment for you guys as a gift in this guide so that you can start with that same foundation level that I do when I work with leaders and leadership teams.'cause I think it's so fundamentally important. Understand. Who you are at a behavioral level so that you can adjust the toggles to create better outcomes. We start with that. We understand and define purpose because I think that is the, the single most important thing we must answer. What is our purpose as a leader, as a, as a man, uh, you know, as a human being. We're not here to work 40 years and die. Like full stop. That's not why we were placed on this earth. What is it? And do you get to do it every day? Maybe, maybe not. But if you understand what it is, you can orient and out your outcomes, your activities to be aligned to that. And I think it is the single most fundamental thing to shift work or leadership, team leadership, home leadership, doesn't matter to shift it from being. A mercenary transaction like you, I went to the ball field.

Don Ross 35:26

Right.

Dusty Holcomb 35:27

is a transaction to an actual relationship that

Don Ross 35:30

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So good. Uh, man, I, I think, um, gosh, I, I'm just impressed by like how aligned we are on, uh, you know, the things that we talk about, uh, between what you're doing and what we do at Manhood Tribes. Um, but this is really, really good. Okay.

Dusty Holcomb 35:46

yeah. So I'm gonna carry on. Thank you. I

Don Ross 35:47

Yeah, keep going.

Dusty Holcomb 35:49

we go from. From self leadership to purpose, to vision, codifying, who do you wanna be? What does the organization need to look like, been seen through a company or team leadership lens? is our mission? And, um, people talk about this as mission statement. I don't think it's that at all. Mission through the lens of what is the value I create for others? What's the value I create for the families that I serve? My family? Um, what are my values? Core values, operating principles that guide us, uh, that we talk about now, how do I codify this whole thing? How do I go from purpose and vision into a plan you can activate? Because without a plan, it doesn't really matter. It's just good idea. It's a lot of conversation, doesn't mean anything.

Don Ross 36:32

Mm-hmm.

Dusty Holcomb 36:32

then we start talking about through the lens of, and I think this applies whether you're leading yourself or leading teams. What are the delegation outcomes? do I create good delegation paradigms and know that I'm doing the work that only I can do that can, you know, will impact others or, uh, help help others? And then how do I create a culture of commitment? Honoring commitments, right? Accountability is not hard. People think about it as this dangerous or hard conversation. No, no, no. It's just the honoring of commitments. It's

Don Ross 37:03

Yeah. Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 37:05

then we walk through, how do we create rhythms of success that are durable, repeatable, uh, and if, if your audience, uh, takes nothing away from anything I've said, I think one of the best self-leadership practices a person can install is a process of weekly reflection, review and planning. If you do nothing else, set aside 30 minutes on a Sunday to go. What worked well this past week? What did not work, and what is the most important thing that I need to create as an outcome in the week ahead that is aligned to my purpose and my vision? And then you just do and reflect and repeat, and repeat and repeat. I think that's the single most important practice of leading yourself because it allows you to review, assess, learn, and execute.

Don Ross 37:49

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 37:50

that's what leadership operating system is. Whether you're leading yourself or leading teams of thousands, the principles apply.

Don Ross 37:57

Gosh, I, I, I think, uh, this is a. What you're describing is a level of self-examination that, uh, can be helpful in any aspect of life, right? I mean, of course in leadership, uh, but it applies everywhere. I mean, even the reflection exercise that you were talking about at the end there. It reminds me very much of, uh, a spiritual exercise that's called the Prayer of Examine, which comes out of, uh, Jesuit or Ignatian, uh, spirituality, uh, from the Catholic tradition. And, you know, it's basically the same thing. It's at the end of the day, you just spend a, a few moments in prayer kind of examining your day. And seeing where was God at work and that I cooperated with him and where was God at work that I didn't cooperate with him, you know? So it's a really simple exercise, but it is a great way of helping us to reflect over the day and to see, you know, where was I living out the way that I wanted to, and where was I not? And how can I think about doing that better? Tomorrow. Um, I, I think just, you know, those kinds of things, those kinds of practices are so simple, but when really put into place, uh, they can bring radical transformation into a man's life. So, uh, gosh, I, I appreciate what you're saying. I think so much here of what you're describing and what I wanna say to our guys listening is. Guys, if you're in a place of leadership and you're kind of feeling like stuck, you know, kind of feeling like, I don't really know what the next step is to take or how to be able to kind of get through this, uh, obstacle that I'm facing. I, I think our tendency in our culture, right, is to, uh, try to find the next like. Leadership book or the, you know, the next, uh, conference to go to or podcast to listen to. I mean, you know, here we are doing a podcast. But you know, the point is like, what's the, what's the quick fix that's gonna get me over this hurdle? And I think what you're describing and what we try to talk about at Manhood Tribes all the time is that. Uh, quick fixes really don't work at solving life. You know, if they did, all of us would have perfect lives. Men are really good at quick fixes, right? That's what we do well. Uh, but they just, they don't do enough. They don't get us far enough along the way. And so when it comes to these places where we do get stuck, we need some things that are gonna help us be formed. You know, we need to become a different kind of man who can actually accomplish the things that are in front of us. And that's part of why God puts. Obstacles in our way is so that it will force us into a place of being formed and in growing into something different and better than we are today. So, gosh, I, I just, you know, I'm, I'm preaching now, but, uh, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm so appreciative of the way that you're describing self-leadership because I think it's. It's just an aspect of the leadership conversation that gets left out. It's not about tips and tricks, it's not about hacks. It's not about, you know, the next, uh, tidbit of information that I can capture from the guru who's gonna help me, you know, solve this immediate crisis. Um, it really is about who am I becoming and am I becoming the kind of man, the kind of leader who can actually tackle the challenges that are gonna be in front of me? And, uh, that's a different ball game, but I, I think it's one that's so much better and so much more effective.

Dusty Holcomb 40:58

I could not agree with you more. I think it changes. Um, it changes the. Outcomes that you started that, that, that brought you to it. It's like, I need to solve this problem, but it changes them permanently. It's a rewiring because you've installed a better operating system,

Don Ross 41:15

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 41:15

of thinking and approach. Like I, it was funny, I was talking to a. Uh, a leader in our, one of our current co cohorts, uh, just this past Friday, and he says, you know, I cannot believe we're eight weeks in. I've applied the active activation tools every single week, and we're hitting numbers we've never hit before. We're, we're performing at a level we've never hit at work, and this is at Friday afternoon at three 30, we were wrapping up a call and he goes. This is my last call today, and for the first time I'm actually going home to my family. And I am doing so with clarity and at peace because I know that my team knows what they're supposed to be doing and they're doing it. Like I, I'm, I'm getting a win here that I didn't even know was the, the what I needed.

Don Ross 42:01

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 42:01

But it's'cause he had a system and he, and

Don Ross 42:03

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 42:03

following it with discipline.

Don Ross 42:06

Ah, beautiful. Uh, I think that's actually probably the perfect place for us to wrap it up. So I would love for you to kind of tell the guys, uh, who are listening, um, first of all, tell us about the resource that you're offering and then, uh, how can they find you and get in touch with you, uh, for, you know, whatever you're offering in terms of coach coaching and getting into your orbit.

Dusty Holcomb 42:24

Yeah, so the, the, the guide is a leadership rules of engagement guide, and that's a gift. It'll have a QR code in it for an advanced, uh, executive disc. It's not the, not a free one you can get online. This is a. Comprehensive, you'll get like a 48 page, uh, diagnostic and, and a playbook that you can install. And so if you take that disc assessment and you use this guide, you can create your own leadership rules of engagement that will give you so much clarity and give clarity to those that you lead or influence. I recommend doing this with your families as well, or your, your small group of men so that they know how to show up. Uh, if you just simply go to acus News, Q US News. It'll, I'll automatically email you that resource. Uh, and you'll then go into, uh, our, our orbit of content and we write and publish, uh, every single week. And, and if your audience is interested, we're happy to talk about, you know, leadership programs, but more importantly, if any of the things that we write about or talk about can create activation principles in their lives. That's why I do this. That's

Don Ross 43:29

Yeah.

Dusty Holcomb 43:30

me. Uh, I'd love your, you know, if anyone's interested, they can find me on LinkedIn, uh, dusty Holcomb. It's very, very easy. And then we have an extensive library on our website of blogs and articles and podcasts, uh, is all there. And that's at acus Group. But simply go to acus, a Arc, QS news, get this guide and act. Set aside 30 minutes to do it. It'll be, it'll be transformational, uh, for, for how you show up as, as a human being, a father, a dad, a leader, uh, all the roles that you play.

Don Ross 44:03

Tremendous guys, do not sleep on this resource. This is a tremendous value that Dusty is offering to you. And uh, so I wanna encourage you to go take advantage of it. Um, put this into practice and, and watch the change that it can bring into your life and into your leadership. Dsi man, thank you so much for being here with us today and, uh, for teaching us, for guiding us, uh, for being a sage, uh, who brings wisdom to our lives. Really appreciate you coming on the show.

Dusty Holcomb 44:31

Don, such a pleasure and an honor. And uh, thank you so much for giving me, uh, an opportunity to speak about what I think is the most transformational part of leadership.

Don Ross 44:40

Absolutely. I.