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The Social Athlete
Bulletproof Formula for Delivering an Impromptu Toast
Toasts are a very specific form of public speaking. Being able to stand up in front of a crowd, with zero preparation, and say a few words that tie the whole night together is an elite social skill–one I want to master.
Based on several weeks of obsessive research, here’s the formula I’ve developed for delivering an impromptu toast. You can run through these steps in only a minute or two, and deliver a toast that will connect in any social setting.
Hello and welcome to Social Athlete. I'm your host, casey Wright. Today we're going to be talking about how to give a perfect toast. Some of the feedback I've been receiving from you guys and it's been awesome. I just want to say thank you for all the feedback. It's all been really helpful. One of the points of feedback I've gotten is that you like it when I'm careful with your time, when I give short, punchy episodes, that I get to the point that it's information packed.
Speaker 1:So today I'm going to have a really short, tight episode about a micro skill that I've just been obsessed with lately. You may recall from a couple weeks ago I said that one of my goals this year was just to master the art of the toast, to be able to clink my glass, stand up and say a few perfect sentences. That really just ties the whole night together. So I've really been going down a rabbit hole these last few weeks trying to learn everything I can. I've put together a really powerful framework for how to deliver a perfect toast. I really do think I've got the best information on this subject, because this is what I've obsessed over. I think I've probably put more time into thinking about this than just about anyone, because I'm a psychopath and, as I told you on episode one, this is one of the things that I love about this show is that it kind of makes irrational those irrational obsessions I had In the past. It wouldn't have made any sense for me to spend three weeks trying to learn how to give the perfect toast. That's insane. How often are you going to give a toast in your life? Why does it even matter? But you know what I just want to learn? I want to get great at this. I think it's a cool, elite, unique social skill, so I want to be great at it. It's often said that if you want to really understand something, the best way to do is to teach it, and so, in the spirit of that, I'm going to teach you what I have learned over these last few weeks.
Speaker 1:I remember the first time that I had to give a toast. My best friend in high school was a guy named Caleb still is a guy named Caleb. He's awesome, but at any rate, he was the first of our friends to get married, and so I think we must have been like 21, 22. We were very young and I had not been to a lot of weddings. Certainly none were. My friends were getting married and certainly none where I knew the best man or like seen the best man speech. So here I am I'm being asked to give a best man speech for my friend Caleb. I'm his best man and I have no idea what to do. And this is like the early days of the internet, so I can't just punch into YouTube best man speeches or find the blog post that tells you how to do this, like I really am on my own. I'm talking to my dad's friends, but most people have only given a best man toast maybe once, twice in their lives. I mean, it's not something that comes up a lot, and most people they have a sample size of one. How good is their advice going to be? Like you, really just, I really felt kind of untethered, but I did have some things to draw on.
Speaker 1:First of all, I had been studying acting at this point for a couple of years. So I was, you know, I had some ideas about performance, how to stand up in a crowd, how to be comfortable, how to move my body. So I wasn't I wasn't really too worried about climbing up, which is nice. The other thing that I knew is I knew my relationship with Caleb and that helped me into it a little bit. What he was probably looking for in this right, caleb and I the I would say the main connective fiber of our friendship through all those years had been humor. We loved making each other laugh, we loved making other people laugh, and it really was the whole basis of our friendship in those early days. It obviously evolved into a lot more over the years, but it was one of those things that I figured okay, if I'm being asked to give a speech for Caleb, you know he's going to want this to be funny, he's going to want this to be entertaining, and so that's the framework that I'm bringing you this. I'm thinking, okay, I just have to make a really funny, entertaining speech. Now, given what I knew at the time, that maybe doesn't seem so crazy, but once I tell you a few of the details here, you're gonna see why it was so crazy for me to go in here thinking that the goal was to be funny.
Speaker 1:So, first of all, this was at a church. This was set at a church. Second of all, caleb's family most of them, or a lot of them, I should say were pastors, or married to pastors, or sons or daughters of pastors, and he was married to. He was marrying a woman who had the same setup. So, basically, it's a church full of pastors and their families. That's what we're doing. This. That's where the wedding is set Now. Additionally, it's a dry wedding, so not a drop of alcohol. And so now you're starting to see, I'm coming in here thinking I'm gonna make everybody laugh, I'm gonna cut it up, and this is just not the place for that. But given all of that, I still it still hasn't hit me. Even knowing all of this, even getting to the setting, seeing the vibe, seeing the fact that we're in a church, seeing how many times referenced Jesus and God and how few times people are trying to make each other laugh, I'm still thinking that the right thing to do, you know, you know what this wedding really needs. It needs a little comic relief.
Speaker 1:So I'm in the bathroom practicing my speech with my note cards, literally like a stereotype, a couple minutes before the speech, and this old guy comes in and he must have seen me like sitting at the head table and knowing that I was the best man. So he's like oh, getting ready for your best man speech? Huh, and I'm like yeah, yeah, I am. And he says, well, whatever you do, don't try to be funny. Literally, that's what he says. One thing, just offhand, common is he's walking to the urinal, just don't try to be funny. And I'm like, wait, what he's like? Yeah, yeah, it's a mistake. Everyone makes they think they're trying to be funny, but really what you want to do is be heartfelt. You know, it's really not a place to make people laugh, especially this crowd. And you know my stomach, just I'm literally going. Why does it go? I'm about to vomit Like I'm about to head out here in four minutes with a speech I've been practicing for two weeks, which is designed to just make people laugh.
Speaker 1:And this guy, you know, has told me what I should have seen, you know, hours ago, if not weeks ago, which is that this is not the place for that. So I'm just trying to, in my head, figure out how to save this. What do I do? How do I fix this? And I get up and I'm, you know, really I'm like at this point, whatever comfort I had being in front of people because of my acting experience has completely dissipated. I am just 100% terrified. But they call on me, they hand me the mic. I get up there.
Speaker 1:I know I can't do what I have rehearsed, so I just start speaking from the heart. I literally just look at my friend. I tell him how much I love him, why I love him, why his friendship means so much to me. I look at his bride. I tell her how much, how special she is to him, how I can see what she meant to him, how the relationship inspires me. And you know, really just speak from the heart and everybody applause.
Speaker 1:People come up to me afterwards I'm getting you know oh my God, that was such a great speech. You know, I see a lot of speeches. I've been to a lot of weddings. That's one of the best ones I've ever seen. Now, I don't think it was. I think people were being nice and people will be nice to you when you give a speech. So nobody comes up to you and says you know you kind of sucked a little bit in the middle or you know it was a little drab towards the end. Nobody really says that to you. So I don't really think it was the best speech ever, but I am 100% sure that it was a lot better than the speech I was about to give, and I say that to underscore a very important point, which is that Toast are a very specific type of public speaking event and a lot of the rules that would apply in any other public speaking event don't really apply to a toast.
Speaker 1:There's something different. So, in an effort to really understand this unique art form, I have really gone down the rabbit hole over these past few weeks. You know, starting with the obvious stuff, right, find every article. You can find every book that's ever been written on toasting. And then I've been looking at tons of YouTube videos YouTube videos of great toast, of famous toast from TV scenes and movies, and then, my favorite part, looking at videos of terrible toast, of toast gone terribly wrong, which are very entertaining, if not that instructive, but a lot of fun to watch. But through it all, what I've really come away with is a lot of, I think, information about what makes a toast work, and what I put together is kind of a specific formula that I think can help put a great toast together in real time, because I think one of the things that I've realized about great toast is that the best ones have some element of an impromptu-ness to them.
Speaker 1:So, obviously, when you're giving a wedding speech, I don't think it's responsible to wait until you know you get up there to hope the words come to you. I, in the example of the story I gave you, I ended up doing that, but it certainly wasn't on purpose and if I had it to do all over again, I certainly would have planned a more heartfelt speech. I think that would have gone better. But I also think that, short of like a wedding speech or really planned speech, maybe, if you have a formal speech at an anniversary dinner, there's also something really cool about being able to just say a few words at an event. Maybe you had a birthday dinner with friends where there wouldn't be a setting where you would have a formal round of speeches, but if you stand up and say a few words, it's gonna come across as really cool. Well, in that setting, I think you're usually better off not having it completely scripted, because if it comes across as scripted in an event where it wouldn't make sense for you to have a scripted speech, it can feel a little weird and a little awkward, especially if you're not able to land it in a way that doesn't feel rehearsed. So I think in that situation.
Speaker 1:What you want, what's gonna be more grounding and what I really wanted because this is the way that I wanna be able to give toast is in these kind of impromptu settings. So I wanna have a formula that's very portable, that I can deploy in real time in just about any setting. So that's what I'm gonna share with you here today a formula that you can use. This will work just as well if you're doing like a formal toaster anything that's a toast, you know, where you're kind of doing a celebratory event, where you're saying a few words directed towards a person or a group of people, anytime. That that's the setting. This will work and you can deploy the formula. If you have time to plan, you'll just be able to do each of the steps more deliberately, but even if you can only do this in a few seconds, you could use this formula and have it work and really have it land.
Speaker 1:So the first thing is and I'm gonna take you through this process this is what I'll do. I'll take you through the process and then I'll share with you an example or two at the end. I'll just kind of make up an example and try and give you a quick impromptu speech so you can see how this might work and how quickly you could come up with something that would be pretty good. So first you wanna decide who you're honoring, right, a toast has to be specific, and this is one of the things that's really unique about a toast. If I go and I speak to, you know, give a PowerPoint presentation to a group of 12 people, I'm usually speaking to all of those people and the general thing that you wanna do is you wanna figure out, cool, what's the common feature among these people, and that's what I wanna speak to, right. So if I'm at a business meeting, then I wanna stick to the business principles that they'll all care about, right.
Speaker 1:But when you're giving a toast, this isn't the case. You're not actually speaking to all the people in the room. You're really speaking directly to the people that you're honoring and what you're doing is you're sort of vouching for them. So it's kind of this three-part speech where you start by directing it to the people that you wanna honor, then you take it out to everyone else and explain to them how and why you're honoring them, and then you wanna take it back to the person at the end, really land there and then raise your glass and get the clothes, so there's kind of a rhythm to this that's really important.
Speaker 1:So the first thing you wanna do is figure out who you're honoring. The next thing you wanna do is figure out your unique perspective. What's the thing only you can say, because this is gonna be the most important thing for you to say, right. So if you're talking about your brother, let's say, at a birthday dinner with all of his friends, well then your perspective of what he was like growing up is something that only you have. Right. And that's where you wanna focus your effort, because if you say something that all of them know well, it's not really gonna be as fun or as entertaining. So consider your unique perspective. That's where you'll really mine the best material. Next, get one key point across. You wanna stay focused, right. So the idea is you wanna honor somebody in a very specific way, say one thing or have at least one idea that you really wanna get across, not a myriad of ideas.
Speaker 1:I think this is one of the places where toasts often go wrong is that people they'll try and say too many things. Right, pick a lane, make sure you nail it and then get out quickly. A good toast should be quick. You wanna leave people wanting more. You don't want it to meander and go on. You don't want people having their glasses up for three minutes listening to you talk. A toast should be very quick, punchy. I think the ideal toast is gonna be 30 seconds is probably what you're trying to land here, especially if you're doing an impromptu one. You don't wanna ramble for two, three minutes if you don't have something prepared.
Speaker 1:So once you've considered your unique perspective, once you've decided the one point you wanna get across, you wanna give some necessary context to that point, right. So you need to explain your relationship if the people in the room don't already understand it. So if you're at a wedding, right, and you're doing a best man speech, there's a pretty good chance that everyone in that room isn't gonna understand your relationship with the best man. So you should start by explaining it. Explain how you met them, what's unique about your friendship, give some context which will make the rest of what you say makes sense. Now the next is if you wanna do a well-timed joke in the middle, I think that's fine.
Speaker 1:I'd mentioned that you really wanna go more for heartfelt than for funny. I think that's generally true. I think again, it depends a little bit on the context. If you have a group of 10, 12 friends that you know love to cut it up, then yeah, maybe that is an appropriate place to make it a little more fun. But I'm telling you, I've never really seen somebody go too heartfelt. It's hard to mess it up in that direction, even in a group of people that really enjoy laughing. They usually will place a high value on some heartfelt, authentic words, even if they really enjoy laughing. But the reverse is not always true. If people wanna have a heartfelt night and you stand up and try and be funny, they really may not land and it can rub people the wrong way.
Speaker 1:So I personally would say always air on the side of being heartfelt. It's a lot easier to be heartfelt than to be funny. You're usually not gonna get negative reviews for being heartfelt and for being authentic and for being vulnerable. But when you slip into the position of being a comedian, well, everyone kind of puts on their critic hat and goes well, was that funny? Was that appropriate? That never really happens with the heartfelt thing. So I would stick to the heartfelt. But, that said, I think you can put a joke, maybe in the middle like a quick offhand joke, I think can sometimes give a little bit of a flow to it. So you kind of start heartfelt, give it a little joke and then really land heartfelt. I think sometimes it actually lands a little stronger than if you stay heartfelt the whole time. I'll give you an example of this in a second so you can see what I mean.
Speaker 1:Now, when it's time to give the toast, a couple of things you wanna keep in mind. You really wanna pick the right moment. First thing is make sure you're not cutting in line. If you are at a formal event like a wedding, there is going to be a best man speech and usually fathers and moms are gonna talk. And if you're gonna give an impromptu speech at an event like that, you better make sure that all of them have gone first, or at least that you've cleared it with the people that are going to be speaking as to when you're going to. If you're speaking at a company event, talk to the boss or whoever's hosting the event and make sure that it's okay and appropriate for you to say a few words. So you wanna make sure you get that permission first. Don't cut in line or do something that's inappropriate.
Speaker 1:The next thing this is a key thing, but I've seen people miss this a ton of times Wait till people have drinks. Wait till everyone has drinks. If you start toasting when only half the people have drinks, or half the people are toasting with water, it's a little awkward. So you know, just make sure that that happens. Other thing is make sure you're not interrupting service. I've seen so many times when somebody will kind of clink the glass right when waiters are coming out with salads or soup and it's really awkward right, because now they have to serve and interrupt or they have to sit there with hot soup, and you know. So it can be kind of awkward. So just be aware of where the staff is and what's going on in the event, and that you're not interrupting something that's about to happen or is in the process of happening.
Speaker 1:Generally, you want to wait till there's actually like a natural lull in the night. You know if you'll kind of see that there's a point at which everyone just is kind of the conversation's kind of lulled, or a couple of people start checking their phone. You know it's a good time when you can tell okay, this is a good time, I could get people's attention and I'm not interrupting anything important. There's no big loud group conversation going on or anything like that. This will be a good time to ask for some attention, to give this toast. Now.
Speaker 1:I mentioned that when you give this speech, you want to do the individual group individual. So you start with who you're honoring, then you open it up to the group and then you go back to who you're honoring. I mean this very specifically and very directly in terms of who you're facing, how you're making eye contact. So literally, I would start by hey, I want to make a toast. You look directly at the person you're honoring. I'd like to say a few words about look at that person and then you kind of open it up, talk to the group a little bit about your perspective, why this person's special, why you're honoring them, and then, as you bring it back to that person with your eye contact, looking at them, speaking directly to them, to say the final few words, to raise the glass and to have everyone take a drink. And this brings up the final point you really want to stick that landing.
Speaker 1:This is another thing that I've seen. So many people screw up, even when they say you know three, four, five beautiful sentences and then they just kind of muddle the ending and it's not really clear when people are supposed to drink or they'll say something and everyone thinks they're supposed to drink and then they have two sentences to say after it, and it's kind of awkward and people get kind of caught mid-sip. So you really want to stick the landing, make sure you have a very clear sentence or two, and there are a couple kind of signaling sentences that you can say that indicate that, hey, it's time to drink. You know, this is the last sentence in a toast. Usually it begins you know, may you always? Or may it always? You kind of start something like that and you have a final sentence that or you can kind of tie it together with some sort of symmetry from the beginning. But I think when you do that it'll really land a lot more emphatically. All right. So I'll give you an example.
Speaker 1:I kind of conjured up this example. Let's say I'm at a, let's say I'm at an anniversary dinner with my parents. We're at their wedding anniversary, right? So I'm here, you know I don't have any prepared thing or anything, but I just want to stand up. It's an anniversary dinner, let's say, with 30 or 40 of their closest friends and family and stuff, and I want to get up and say a few words. So I clink, clink, clink. You know I've waited for a good time. I clink, clink, clink, and everyone to look at me All right. Well, I'd like to say a few words about our honor couple tonight. My mom and dad.
Speaker 1:You know I've heard it said that the greatest gift that you can give your children is the gift of a happy marriage. But you know, I think whoever said that had never been on a yacht, because I think a yacht would be a lot better gift. But as a consolation prize, a happy marriage is pretty great. You know, growing up I assumed that every marriage is a happy marriage, because that's really all I saw growing up in my home. Over the years I've realized just how untrue that is, how hard it is to build and sustain what you guys have built and sustained, and I've come to understand what's meant by the gift of a happy marriage. Because when you choose the right person and you find somebody who makes you whole, who makes you brighter, who makes you better, that union becomes a source of strength and love for everyone around you. It truly becomes a gift to everyone around you, to everyone in this room, most of all me. So I'd like to raise a glass to my mom, my dad and their happy marriage. May it always be the gift that keeps on giving. So there you can see.
Speaker 1:It's, like you know, very simple, just ties all together, but it works. Right, it's a formula that works and it didn't take a ton of effort for me to come up with that. I just kind of thought about hey, I can talk about what it was like growing up in this family. That's my unique perspective. I'm their kid. I had one little joke in there about a yacht. You know, it's just kind of a punchy, stupid joke, but it gets us into the more heartfelt part. It makes it a little more, as you can see, having a little rhythm to it makes the heartfelt part land a little more. So that's an example of what a toast looks like.
Speaker 1:You could apply this to anything. One more example let's just say it's my dog Rocco's birthday and I wanted to give him a toast. I know an insane example, but that's the point. So, all right, clink, clink, clink. All right, I want to say a few words about our birthday boy today, my dog Rocco. You know there are seven dog years in every one human year and judging by how fat and lethargic Rocco is looking right now, I think he's eating about seven birthdays worth of food today.
Speaker 1:But you know that's Rocco for you, he doesn't do anything half-ass and that's what I love about him. Every minute of every day he is fully present, fully engaged in life, and he brings that out in the people around him. He brings that out in me. So I'd like to raise a bone to Rocco. You will always be this man's best friend. So there you go. Like I said, it's real simple. You can really apply this to anything. It works in any setting. This formula gives you a great punchy toast in just a few seconds. So if you like what you're hearing here on the Social Athlete, please subscribe. Give us five stars, write a short review. It all helps, but that's it for this week. I'm Casey Wright and this has been the Social Athlete.