Making Blended Families Work

In this episode of Restoration Beyond the Couch, Dr. Lee Long sits down with Licensed Professional Counselor Lila Pond to unpack the unique dynamics of blending households.

Together, they explore the emotional realities, relationship shifts, and small steps that can build trust and connection over time. Whether you're living it or walking alongside someone who is, this conversation offers real insight and support.

Transcript

Introduction to Blended Families

Speaker 1 0:01

Welcome to Restoration Beyond the Couch. I'm Dr Lee Long, and today I'm joined once again by Lila Pond, licensed professional counselor and supervisor here at Restoration Counseling. In this episode, we're having an honest conversation about blended families, the unique challenges that are faced, some of the emotional dynamics at play and tools that can help foster connection, trust and healing. Whether you're part of a blended family or working with one, this episode offers insight, encouragement and practical guidance for navigating relationships with grace and intention. Your path to mental wellness starts here. Well, welcome to Beyond the Couch, lila Pond. It is great to have you here today.

Speaker 2 0:52

Thank you, it's great to be here anytime.

Speaker 1 0:55

This is Restoration Beyond, beyond the Couch. We're coming to you all from Florida.

Speaker 2 1:01

That's right. We are way beyond the couch. Even though we're on a couch, it's beyond the couch.

Speaker 1 1:06

That's exactly right. So we're going to talk to you today about blended families, and I know this is something that you personally have had experience with, and I know that you know, I know lots of families have experience with blending their families, and so I feel like this would be a great topic for us to cover and just maybe provide some insight. So welcome, and I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Speaker 2 1:38

Well, you know, Lee, it's really fascinating because I've been blending, if you will, our family since 1976.

Speaker 1 1:48

Just a few years.

Speaker 2 1:49

It's just a few. What is this? What 2025? Anyway, that's a while, and at that time of that beginning, there were no resources, there was not the supportive environment, or these voices of studied, researched counsel, if you will, to really help or aid. And now one in three families are what we would term blended, and we didn't even start the term blended until 1972.

Speaker 1 2:30

Wow, isn't that fascinating. Wow, that is fascinating.

Speaker 2 2:40

Yeah, that's interesting because one in three families are blended. And you know, I think it's interesting's interesting too that even before that you think about the, the disney industry or the fair, if gosh, think about rims fairy tales they come up with the um. This term step mother, step children, whatever that term actually in the old english meant bereaved orphan right it's s-t-e-o-p. I'm not even going to try to pronounce it, but it was one of those uh terms to identify you. There there was a shorter lifespan and mortality was super high.

Speaker 1 3:28

Right, and so well shorter lifespan, which, in turn, Well, but I think that's a good point, is it? Yes, a shorter lifespan, but the mortality rate being high like I mean you could die from the flu like things that we would take for granted, so that all makes sense.

Speaker 2 3:44

Oh my gosh, you could die from an abscess tooth you know because of sepsis or whatever and I might be making that up, I'm not sure, but I do think it's very fascinating that they would take these precious children who were left and had no parents any longer, and put them into families, and they were bereaved. They weren't just orphans, they were bereaved orphans. What an appropriate term and not to put a dark cloud or anything, but I mean we've got to consider the fact that there's a certain amount of grief involved.

Speaker 1 4:23

Sure, sure, Because every kid that I've ever worked with that is coming from a separated or divorced family. There is this mindset that I think that they carry for a long time that maybe someday my parents could get back together. And when a step parent is introduced, there is a new grieving cycle for that child or that kid.

Speaker 2 4:54

Well, and grief I say this a lot and I hear this a lot that grief is like a companion and it's something that travels along with us, like background music in a, in an elevator or a restaurant you know because it states someone something mattered deeply to me. Sometimes we grieve the loss of a job or whatever, but grieving the loss of family, that means our, our family structure, the way it was truly mattered.

Speaker 1 5:30

Right.

Speaker 2 5:30

You know, and it does. I'm not minimizing that, but I do want to just point out that to me, the problem with the label step is the the connotation of the villain. Yes, step is the connotation of the villain, either it coming from the children, like a stepchild, or the parental side of it, a stepfather, a stepmother. There's this kind of villainization and sometimes I wonder if Grimm's fairy tales, disney movies, et cetera did they create that image, or did we as people in our humanity, did we create?

Speaker 2 6:13

that image, and that's what concerns me some for today. Oh, how I hope that it encourages folks to really give thought to how they enter blending and how they sustain blending, because I'm going to be real honest here Every single family on the planet blends in some way or another.

Speaker 1 6:41

That is so true Because, to your point, you come from his culture and her culture Good, and you create their culture or our culture.

Speaker 2 6:52

That's exactly right. And then you have children and those children, much to our expectation and goal, launch into the world and meet a lovely partner, spouse, whatever, and they become a family. And then we blend with their family and their family's family. And so there's just a blending process that takes place in our lives and our families. And I love the way the French and I'm going to look at my notes some here just because I don't want to miss anything, but the French handle the term differently. They use the term belle-fille or belle-fille, meaning beautiful daughter and beautiful son, and I'd love to see us use that with mother and father, because I'm a little bit of a word nerd and I know that I love words. I think words are very powerful and the way we choose to describe things, the tone we use, the definition of definition of certain situations, can truly create an image. And so one thing, and I'll give you a personal example I can remember when people would say what you have eight kids. They want to know immediately how many did you give birth to?

Speaker 2 8:22

Right, you give birth to and they say when I say, well, four are my precious stepdaughters that came with my late husband when we married in 1976. And they are so important to me. Then we had five children. We lost one, had four more by our eighth wedding anniversary. We had eight kids in our family. Now, that's not to the exclusion of their biological mother. But I would get this look like oh, oh, okay, oh okay. And it's almost like, immediately a judgment is placed on the acquisition, if you will, of children in a marriage. But, oh my gosh, there has to be a birth in the heart for that.

Speaker 1 9:22

That's a really good way to say that. Thank you, Because it truly is. It's a space of integrating and bringing forth something so beautiful. I mean it's bringing forth family.

The History and Language of Family Blending

Speaker 2 9:40

Right, Right and Lee, if you stop and think about it, I mean those kids didn't ask to be here Exactly and they didn't ask to be in this situation. Right, Right and Lee, if you stop and think about it, I mean those kids didn't ask to be here Exactly and they didn't ask to be in this situation.

Speaker 1 9:49

Right.

Speaker 2 9:50

And so to treat them as though they're tainted.

Speaker 1 9:55

Or burdensome.

Speaker 2 9:57

Or burdensome Boy. That's a great point Is so cruel.

Speaker 1 10:02

Yeah.

Speaker 2 10:02

To the children, and I may sound a little bit harsh here and that's not my point, but I don't want to soft-pedal this, because people who are blending families are adults.

Speaker 1 10:19

That's right.

Speaker 2 10:21

And so I'm speaking to the adults today. That's right. And so I'm speaking to the adults today. Yeah, and hopefully kids will get the benefit of adults, learning a new or a different, more effective way of blending so that they may blend, because I guarantee you, the children today will be confronted with blending a family.

Speaker 1 10:46

I think without question, because it's one in three families are blending now and it makes me wonder what were the statistics in 1976? I would say that they were lower, because I think blending families is like you said. It's something that a lot of people are having to deal with.

Speaker 2 11:00

Exactly. I remember one specific time I had accompanied the oldest of my stepdaughters and I'm going to use that term, even though in our family we use that for outsiders, but inside we don't consider anybody a step anything, but we do define it outside because to be respectful.

Speaker 2 11:24

but we do define it outside because to be respectful, because I will say, and I'm going to make a statement and I hope that nobody rolls their eyes, so please control your eye rolls. But I would not have the joy of the uniqueness of the four older stepdaughters without their mother.

Speaker 1 11:46

Right.

Speaker 2 11:47

And now my late husband passed away. I remarried and my precious husband today has two grown adult children. So I've done this with young children and with adult children. I wouldn't have those two wonderful adult children in my life without their mother. So both of those mothers I'm so grateful for them. I want the kids to have a strong, healthy relationship with their mothers, otherwise they can't have a healthy relationship with me, and so I hope that challenges people to change their perspective. There is no enemy in a blended family unless we create one, and I know that's a big generalization. So everybody, stay in your seat, sure.

Speaker 1 12:41

Well, it is a generalization. However, I do think that the things that I've seen in my office are when families are angry with, or when when ex partners are angry with, is not going to have broken up. It would not have ended in divorce if everything was hunky dory Although I will say that a good friend of mine, she said that she was with her ex-husband on the sofa in the therapist's office and she looked at the therapist and said I think you want this marriage more than we do, and she said. She looked at her ex-husband and said I think we need to call this a day before you and I hate each other so much that we rip apart what little we have left between us to raise our kids in a really productive manner.

Speaker 1 13:46

I thought, wow, that was really mature when there was an understanding that this was never going to be resolvable, and I think that the thing that I see, though, there's that animosity, that animosity, and it's how can we rise above the animosity that that the ex spouses or ex partners don't have to have a relationship with one another. They can simply and I've seen this done really well when there's been hurt and betrayal and pain, they simply focus on the kids and the kid like the only discussions they have are the discussions about their kids, the only way that they were. They discuss the kids and I've seen that work really well, in that focusing on them helps everybody kind of reset their mind to this is what this?

Speaker 1 14:44

is about Exactly Is making sure that our kids do well in spite of the fact that we divorced.

Speaker 2 14:52

Right and and I think that is so majorly important and, trust me, I didn't get it all right and the only way that I am an expert is I'm an expert on me, the things I've done well and the things I've done poorly, and the things that I did right and the things I did wrong. Whatever, however you want to coin it, I own it and it's. If I do anything by looking backwards, it's let me take the things I didn't do well and learn from them and do things as I move forward more effectively. But I think the key here is love.

Speaker 1 15:37

I agree.

Speaker 2 15:38

And it doesn't mean that we have to love, doesn't mean we excuse behaviors. Right, that we have to love doesn't mean we excuse behaviors.

Speaker 1 15:44

Right.

Speaker 2 15:45

But love says I'm not going to pour up a cup of poison and have my kids drink it so that it hurts and kills you. Do you see what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 15:56

Right.

Speaker 2 15:59

And the kids are the ones who absorb all of that poison, that toxicity. Yeah, and toxicity, that's a good word, because we see that when children are in an intact, traditional family and there's an alcoholic, one of the parents is an alcoholic, the kids think they did it, are there. If I was a better kid, daddy wouldn't drink. Or if I was better, mommy wouldn't leave all the time.

Speaker 1 16:21

Or if I was better fill in the blank, and that is their way of looking for control.

Speaker 2 16:27

If we were building a skyscraper, we would need under reams and a lot of support deep into the earth. And these are three deep, foundational points that over time, I have found extremely important, but also, professionally, I have found are extremely important, whether it's in my own family or helping other families, and those are love, choice and maturity. Love let's start with love. It's not the airy fairy, oh, just love them. It's not a feeling. I'm not talking about love as a feeling. I'm talking about that gritty decision to commit, to love and embrace and do the work, take action. It's an action word. All three of these words are action words. They are action words.

Speaker 1 17:22

When you think about love. It is patient, it's kind and it's long-suffering.

Speaker 2 17:26

Exactly.

Overcoming Animosity Between Ex-Partners

Speaker 1 17:26

And it doesn't hold the negatives. It doesn't keep things against people. Exactly so you're right, it is an action word.

Speaker 2 17:37

And two, it involves grace, it involves forgiveness, and forgiveness does not mean, oh, it's okay what you did to me.

Speaker 1 17:48

That's right.

Speaker 2 17:48

Forgiveness means that I'm forgiving for me.

Speaker 1 17:53

That's right.

Speaker 2 17:54

Not for the one who's offended, and I hope others will forgive for themselves and not for what I've done. I need to seek amends and make amends for what I've done. That's right, and the other person I hope will forgive. In other words, release me or release whomever from wanting justice and wanting some type of I don't know debt payment.

Speaker 1 18:22

It's not a legal system. Well, the way that I've always heard it said is wanting a pound of flesh. It's wanting that payback.

Speaker 2 18:31

Right and you're releasing that desire. And in that what happens is tying it then to choice. I am choosing to love in that way and understand that in a family that we're blending, there has to be a margin and a space for our human behaviors at times, Doesn't mean that that, um, it's okay to just make mistakes, and Right to be whimsical and willy-nilly and not care or be concerned about Right. Exactly, it means that we're choosing to discuss and to take the high road.

Speaker 1 19:21

Yeah, and what's interesting is when you think about the terms, which I love these, when you think about the term love in this case that I was telling you about earlier, is this dad had to make a decision to love his daughter that he co-created with a woman that hurt him deeply. I mean, she hurt him to his core and almost, almost cracked his frame.

Speaker 2 19:52

So to speak.

Speaker 1 19:54

And he had to learn to forgive so that he could be open Once he saw that he couldn't love his daughter well because he still had so much animosity towards his ex-wife. He had to learn to forgive and he had to learn to love to your point love himself enough to see that he could let go of her offense.

Speaker 2 20:21

Right, and that was one of my main points under the activity. If you will, or the tool of loving is that it is about, you've got to love yourself, and that is not arrogance. It is a humble gratitude that you are you.

Speaker 1 20:40

Right.

Speaker 2 20:41

And you are in this, now, in this family.

Speaker 1 20:44

And, as you see, it is not selfish either, the unforgiveness that this father was living with you want to talk about selfish. He was projecting his hurt onto his daughter and it was crushing her.

Speaker 2 21:02

Well, and Lee, I mean, stop and think about it. If I want you to love me as the parent more than you love the ex-parent, that is selfish Right. But if I love myself enough and am secure secure in attachment to myself and that I bring me and the value of who I am to the table, and the other people in the family love and are securely attached to themselves, bring themselves to the table. I know that's very ideal, but that's the goal that would be the goal.

Speaker 2 21:39

Then I don't have to. I'm not concerned about who else you love because there's room. And I've said this and let me tell you I got to get a plug in here for my sweet. I was calling my new husband. He is so precious. He leaves so much space for the love that I have had and still have for my late husband and he accepts that I have huge love incomparable it's not comparable for him as well and he balances that so beautifully and he encourages that and he encourages my adult children. The youngest was 27 when their daddy died and then 29 was 38 ish when I remarried.

Speaker 1 22:34

Okay, let's don't throw out too many numbers, because then y'all know how old I am.

Speaker 2 22:39

But anyway he encourages them, speaking of their dad. He encourages and embraces because he says, well, he built this family too. He created a loving atmosphere that welcomes me. That's right. And again, we don't do everything right, but by golly that gets done right and well, and I adore that.

Speaker 1 23:08

Absolutely, because it gives everybody room to be Right.

Speaker 1 23:13

I mean, you think about these, you know where you're not allowed to even speak the other person's name.

Speaker 1 23:20

They say the person who shall not be named and I just think, okay, I understand that there's a presence and all of that. There's a lot of pain, but it's like when you're blending a family, you have to blend with love, like that has to be the primary ingredient. And I look, I know to your point that that there are going to be people who do boneheaded things and they continue to do boneheaded things because they may refuse to be healthy. And in those experiences, I think that what, what, what needs to be considered is I can only control what I can control, which is me, and I have influence over the environment, but the environment may not be open to my suggestions or to the things that I hope, I hope to influence. It may not be influenceable. Meaning there are families that I've worked with and I'm sure you as well, where there is an ex-partner, an ex-spouse that is not willing to work with them in any way, shape or form, and that brings me to so love.

Speaker 2 24:36

And then you wrap that around choice, and then you take that and you I mean I'm putting out a plaintive plea Adults, be mature, be in your adult ego state because you are an adult. Kids can only be in their child brain. Adults, we have an adult brain and we have an adult ego state. We can regress to our child brain. Adults, we have an adult brain and we have an adult ego state. We can regress to our child brain. Children cannot. What would be the opposite of regress, progress, progress to their adult brain, because they're not there. That's not possible.

Speaker 1 25:14

It's not formed yet, right.

Love, Choice, and Maturity as Foundations

Speaker 2 25:16

Yeah, that's like when I was young and I was four foot 10, I couldn't just grow to five foot nine and then grow back down when I am in that state, right, maybe that's not a very good example, but you get my drift.

Speaker 1 25:30

I think it's a great example.

Speaker 2 25:31

Well, and here we are. Children only have their child brain. We have our adult brain and we have the ability to use that maturity and not go to the jealous place of oh every time she says his name. Oh my gosh, my sweet husband says, why would I be jealous and same with me, that was before me and that was a painful time in y'all's lives. That should hopefully I'm using the S word should, sorry, but that would hopefully bring up some compassion for everyone.

Speaker 1 26:14

Yes, and I think that the key to that is you have to work through your own hurt.

Speaker 2 26:19

Exactly.

Speaker 1 26:20

Because if we walk around wounded, then we create, we create so much more pain. You know, because the old adage hurt people, hurt people.

Speaker 2 26:29

Right right.

Speaker 1 26:30

And so it's worth it to put that well, to walk through that hurt. I was going to say put that hurt to bed, but that hurt, like you said, is like grief.

Speaker 2 26:41

It is there yeah, you know what a really great tool for that is. And and I learned this going through pia melodies uh, training for post induction therapy, where it's um developmentally immature reactions to life, is to say ooh, how old do I feel, right?

Speaker 1 27:05

now.

Speaker 2 27:06

I'm the adult, how old do I feel right now? Am I matching the 12-year-old because it's hitting a wound in me or whatever is going on? And that is so helpful as the, the blending process, the step-parent, or just even if you're a daughter-in-law or a father-in-law or a mother-in-law, please, if we're reacting, we need to say how old do I feel right now and why am I being so protective or why am I hitting an intense reaction? And usually it's because we're hitting a wound that maybe we haven't healed yet.

Speaker 1 27:44

Right, it's activating that network Exactly.

Speaker 2 27:47

You know I like to tell clients often that triggers are external. We cannot control triggers. They're going to happen and they're outside of us. It's what it activates inside of me that I need to be aware of. It's knowing. What is this saying to me about me? That's a Lee Long saying and I love that and that's very helpful. Why am I getting so ramped up about this? Well, because he nope. What is it in me? And I think that is the maturity factor and that's that part of loving, choosing and being mature in that whole trifecta.

Speaker 1 28:33

I think that's right and I think about all the families that I've worked with and all the families I'm sure you've worked with that we choose love.

Speaker 2 28:43

Yes.

Speaker 1 28:44

And sometimes it is just the choice of love for the child sitting in front of you. Cause, like you said they didn't choose this Right and you think about choosing, choosing the child, choosing love for them, choosing love for your partner, your, your current partner, because that's their child.

Speaker 2 29:06

That's 50% them.

Speaker 1 29:08

Right, and so it is a. It is a sometimes it's a sacrificial love, because some of these kids are want to, or some. There are some kids who do want that your relationship not to work out, and so they at times will as I call metal.

Children's Challenges in Blended Families

Speaker 2 29:27

So that was. I'm glad you brought that up because I really want to talk about the challenges to the children and I'm just going to kind of read this little excerpt that I wrote, so that I don't miss anything, because we are on vacation a little bit Vacation brain, right. So divorce and blending are difficult for children of any age. Their greatest struggle is grieving the loss of their original family structure while they're trying to remain loyal to both their original family and embrace their new one. Think about that, right, and and in that children often love both parents, but they'll feel uncomfortable expressing this to either parent, and especially when the parents don't get along, and we've kind of covered that a little bit. But I want to highlight that as one of the biggest challenges in blending. And so the situation worsens when parents openly express disdain for each other or use children as messengers back and forth.

Speaker 2 30:31

I can't even talk to your father, so just tell him to pick you all up at four, dad. Mom said to pick us up at four. No, I can't pick you up at four. Tell her I have a meeting, mom. Dad has a meeting at work. Can you imagine the heaviness that is on a child?

Speaker 2 30:47

and how that is. It is like a sort of in our bodies If we have an infection, the body starts producing white blood cells to fight that infection and then it goes crazy and we're really, really sick. We're doing that to our kids right If we use them to be the go-between. So that's a challenge for children. They don't understand boundaries and they certainly don't want to stand up to one of their parents and be dis. Well, maybe they do want to be disrespectful at times.

Speaker 1 31:20

Well, they may respond in a disrespectful way, exactly Because they just don't know how to set that limit.

Speaker 2 31:25

Exactly, and nor should we expect them to. They're learning boundaries.

Speaker 1 31:30

They should know better, except we've never taught them Exactly.

Speaker 2 31:33

And they're children, right. They're not adults, that's right. So to have an expectation of a child that I can't believe. You spilled your milk at the table. I'll never forget one time our dad he was, I mean having a wall-eyed fit about spilling at the table. Every time we sit down, somebody spills something and that's got to stop and his hand hit his glass and he spilled something. We're all like, yes, jesus loves me, moment, but it was just really a picture of how we cannot expect kids to be adults. So please don't treat them that way, or treat them as a messenger, and allow them to express, not repress, the love they have, or even if they miss their family, their other parent or the family the way it was. I don't like that. We have to do Christmas at two places. You know what, sweetie I'm sorry that I hear you and I know that's hard and let them express it, right. The problem is we take it personally, right?

Speaker 1 32:48

it. The problem is we take it personally. Yeah, we have to work through our pain to be able to see that it's okay that they express that.

Speaker 2 32:53

Well, and I don't think that they're saying I don't love what we have here, I just miss and grieve that. So that's one of the challenges for the children is the ability to express and it not be quelled or see the look on the other parent's face, or even the step siblings, or maybe they're half siblings, et cetera. Look, there's enough love in a family for all everyone.

Speaker 1 33:24

I think, at the end of the day, the thing that I would encourage the things that I'm hearing you say, the things that I've seen I think that, at the end of the day, what I would encourage is, if you are blending a family, do your own personal work.

Speaker 2 33:44

Thank you.

Speaker 1 33:45

Because you have to show up a whole person to walk into or to lead a family into blending Right and you have to be able to see things well. You know and I think about you know your amazing husband, who is, who has done his work, and so there isn't the jealousy, there is that willingness to say, look, I'm being welcomed into this family that your late husband, that he helped create, and acknowledging that, and even in that acknowledgement it knits him further or closer into our family, and the beauty of that.

Speaker 2 34:29

Right, right, that is so, truly. And look, that's not easy for everyone, and I know these are guidelines, sure, but it is possible. Sure, but it is possible. And if something is possible that makes our society better, then why not take the?

Speaker 1 34:54

high road, yeah, and this doesn't. I love what. I love what you're saying and it does not. There's no such thing as perfection oh no let's just do this with our whole heart.

Speaker 2 35:05

Right. Well, I tell you what it sure makes life more peaceful internally, even when there's a storm.

Speaker 1 35:12

Yeah, totally.

Speaker 2 35:14

Even when there's a storm. I think the next area is for parents. What are the challenges for parents? Parenting in any family is difficult, and the more parents that are involved, the more complicated it becomes, and so it requires a consistent posture of compromise and communication, and communication from an adult ego state To another adult yes to another adult.

Parenting Strategies for Complex Family Systems

Speaker 2 35:44

I know that's not always possible and you can't control the other, but you can control yourself and you can control how you communicate and also, um, in parenting. You may not agree, but there are some great resources on parallel parenting. Where you allow you, you agree that that family has parenting this way and we do parenting this way. But let's let the kids know neither way is the better way or the right or wrong way, but when you're there, you need to follow their guidelines. When you're here, you follow our rules or guidelines or whatever.

Speaker 1 36:22

Be gentle with the kids, because following two separate rule sets is tough.

Speaker 2 36:27

It's very tough, right, and so I totally I think it's better if we can parent together.

Speaker 1 36:35

Sure, it's much more cohesive. However, that may not be possible To your point.

Speaker 2 36:40

Yeah, and can I just say too here a little bit on a soapbox here as a grandparent stay out of it unless you're invited, Please, Amen, Because that is another form of intrusion on a blended family. And be careful the words that you use like well, those children or these kids. Well, now, these kids can come, but those children. Don't do that as a grandparent, because then it's like throwing a rock into a blender when you're trying to make your smoothie in the morning. It's going to tear that thing up.

Speaker 1 37:22

Don't be the rock. Don't be the rock in the blender.

Speaker 2 37:25

And whether it's grandparents or extended family, whatever yes.

Speaker 2 37:30

Right. My late husband had the used to say to me it's about concentric circles. In the center is the couple, the two of us that are in this family, next circle out the children, next circle out our parents and our siblings, next circle out the bigger part of the family, next circle out friends, acquaintances, the world. Those concentric circles do not tell the center how to manage the next tight circle of the children. Right, right, unless asked, right you know, and so unsolicited advice is usually unwelcomed. It's just like we put signs on our doors no solicitating or whatever Right so anyway.

Speaker 2 38:21

So for blended couples, one of the, so that's for parents, the children. It's been created that discomfort and being made a messenger or a go-between. Don't do it, because that's hard on the kids.

Speaker 1 38:35

Yeah.

Speaker 2 38:35

For the parents please come to an adult agreement about parenting and about acceptance and respect. And then for couples blended families are often older and so they're more set in their ways as people. They have more traditions and expectations, and so the gap between hopes and reality can be jarring. Yeah, right. So for couples, add the natural loyalty to existing relationships with your children that you bring with you, and the couple's relationship face unique pressures, right, the couple?

Speaker 1 39:14

relationship.

Speaker 2 39:15

And so, remember, there are many types of blended families those that are formed from divorce, those that are formed from death, those that are formed from maybe first marriage had children and first marriage didn't have children. I mean, there are all kinds of interesting ways that we blend and so each situation is unique. So don't read or talk to or expect that somebody else is going to give you a formula or a way to do it, because you're unique.

Speaker 1 39:52

And it keeps coming back to folks. There's no getting around it. We have to be whole, we have to do our work.

Speaker 2 40:01

Right. So I think the three strategies.

Speaker 2 40:05

I'd love to leave people with. I'm not sure what our timeframe is, but for adults, be adults, please. You know you may get wet matter than a wet hand, but please, please, please, handle it like a human being and not a wet hand. Please it like a human being and not a wet hand, please. And I love the book by John Lee called Growing Yourself Back Up. It lists the red flags of regressions. That'll help you understand when you're going into a regression to a younger ego state Ask yourself, how old do I feel right now? And it helps you stay with your adult self. In parenting keyword cooperate Please, for the sake of the kids, align your parenting approaches within the new coupleship that's got to come first. You agree, under this roof, we're going to do this this way and then work toward negotiating how to do that with the other household. And then for couples, oh please, just resolve. Don't win when we have an argument, because arguments are going to come up in this new blended family, oh gosh.

Speaker 1 41:19

And arguments are not meant to be won.

Speaker 2 41:21

They're meant to be resolved Right, and so that's where the rupture is repaired. We resolve it, and that doesn't mean that it all goes my way.

Speaker 1 41:35

Yeah, it can't.

Speaker 2 41:37

Right Because the world doesn't.

Speaker 1 41:40

As one of our siblings says, often the axis of the world cannot be firmly fixed to your backside so that the world revolves around you.

Building Something New That Honors the Past

Speaker 2 41:50

Right, exactly, and conflict is meant to be resolved. And hey, let's face it, there's conflict in every day, in small ways and large ways. Conflict does not have to be feared, and it doesn't have to be nasty and it doesn't have to be something that's explosive. Conflict is actually an opportunity to know and understand the other person.

Speaker 1 42:16

Yeah, it's a doorway to intimacy.

Speaker 2 42:18

There you go.

Speaker 1 42:19

And it's also, I'm sorry, we just have to what, we just have to figure that out together.

Speaker 2 42:24

Right. I remember as a little girl walking with our grandfather on the long side. He had a farm and he had fences around like I don't know 300 acres and he'd say, okay, it's time to walk the fences and see where the gaps are, and so I've always liked that example that it's good to go back and reflect on weight. I think I have a gap in my boundary system here and boundaries are. There are only two kinds of boundaries in life protection boundary, containment boundary. I'm responsible for containing myself and not barreling out there and jumping into somebody else's issue, and I'm also responsible for not allowing someone's issue to be poured out on me. I mean I just move over and let it go by.

Speaker 2 43:16

It doesn't mean, things don't sting or hurt, but we have protection boundaries and we have so many areas that we can talk about this, these things further in other podcasts. But you know, blending isn't easy, but with love and choice, maturity, and if we can also be adults, if we can also seek to be cooperative yeah, and then also just truly look at being loving and mature. And what was that last thing I said? Oh yes, resolve, don't win, it's about resolving and not winning. Then I think it's possible to create something new and beautiful, and it doesn't have to be threatening to anyone else.

Speaker 2 44:02

It's important to remember that you're not trying to replace the past or what was. You're working toward building something new that honors the past while embracing the present and the future, and that goes in line with what you were mentioning about this tradition. In Japan, they even offer it today in stores where you purchase a bowl, it's broken, they take it and they fuse this like epoxy or lacquer and put the pieces back together and then cover it with gold. Is that what you were talking about? And then the bowl is something more beautiful and stronger and valuable. And it's not that it's more beautiful, it's without the old pieces, it is beautiful because of the old pieces, and I do remember telling my husband's daughter and son that, you know, both of us found ourselves in a place.

Speaker 2 45:14

Their dad and myself found ourselves in a place that we didn't want to be in. I never wanted to be a widow and he never wanted to be divorced, and yet we are. And here we are and here we are. And so now, how can we take what was and make it into something that is and will be, that will be loving and welcoming to all? 10 of the beautiful products of the past and the now Right? So if you are struggling with blending, please seek professional help or friends that you know are reliable resources. Maybe not call it friends community that is reliable, not just opinionated.

Speaker 1 46:04

Right? Who will call you out on your stuff?

Speaker 2 46:07

Yes.

Speaker 1 46:07

Who will be a positive but honest reflection and who can help you sort through stuff, to you becoming more authentically you.

Speaker 2 46:19

Right, yeah, and you know, Lee, sometimes people ask do you love me more than your deceased spouse or do you love me more than your ex-spouse? Okay, that is such a childish answer. That's like a firstborn saying do you love me more than this new baby? I'll never forget one of my grandsons, when another grandson was not, it wasn't his brother, but it was his cousin was born and we're all gathered and I'm holding that baby and he looks at me and he goes Gigi, are you going to love him more than you love me? And I was like, oh, my goodness, what an interesting question. Thanks for asking me that. However, I have enough love for all of you. That's unique to you. And I said well, let me ask you a question Are you going to love me, Are you going to love your friends one day more than you love me? Because I was just kind of curious to see what he would say. And he goes, probably.

Speaker 1 47:26

So there's got to be room in there for honesty and for growth.

Speaker 2 47:32

So do you see the difference between the adult response and the child response? Yeah, right, that's right he didn't have room to grow yet to understand the difference.

Speaker 1 47:40

So anyway, that's right, this has been such a privilege to talk about this subject. Yeah, thank you for sharing all your wisdom and experience. Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 2 47:54

Because you know, when you make enough mistakes, you learn things. Thank you All right, thank you.