SEX: Sometimes It’s Just Not Sexy

Hey there! It's Jessica and Samantha, and we're diving into a topic that might make you squirm a bit - sex! We know it's not always easy to talk about, but we think it's important to share our experiences and let you know that if you're struggling with low sex drive or pain during sex, you're definitely not alone.

We get personal about how pregnancy, breastfeeding, and even antidepressants have impacted our sex lives. From figuring out how to navigate intimacy post-baby to dealing with husbands who just can't keep their hands off (even when you're blowing your nose!), we cover it all.

But don't worry, it's not all serious - we also chat about the joys of king-size beds, the struggles of being touched out, and the hilarious realities of trying to get in the mood when you're a mom.

So join us for a raw, real, and sometimes TMI conversation about sex, motherhood, and everything in between. We promise you'll laugh, cringe, and maybe even feel a little less alone in your own journey. Oh, and we might even solve the mystery of why Sam hates the color pink!

Hope you enjoyed this episode!

Remember we'll be back twice a month with more fun shananagins. Be sure to follow us so you don't miss a beat!
We'd sure appreciate a review too. This helps us reach more women just like you trying to make it through the sometimes chaotic, sometimes fun, and sometimes cry-worth days of motherhood.

Can't wait to hear more from us or want to leave us a comment?

Catch us on social:
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Blog: shesgotittogether.com

Here's to Getting it Together one day at a time,

Jessica & Samantha

Transcript

Jessica (00:00.922)
All right, we're back today and we are going to be talking about something a little bit uncomfortable. Something that we don't necessarily want to talk about and something that doesn't necessarily feel great. So we're going to talk about sex, that great three-letter word and some of the not so fun pieces.

Samantha (00:10.121)
Haha!

Samantha (00:19.605)
That's exactly right!

Jessica (00:30.218)
about it. We've probably all had at least a time or two where it didn't work out so well for us or didn't feel great for us, but we're gonna dive in a little bit deeper into some actual issues that we women have run into. Usually it's something that has happened you know within our journey of life, whether it's becoming a mom or...

different medications that cause things, but we're gonna dive into that today and kinda get into some of the nitty gritty that Samantha and I have experienced over the years. So, I...

Samantha (01:10.456)
Hehehe

Well, I think this topic, I feel like, can be uncomfortable to talk about, and it's something that people may not talk about all the time. And we were just talking about this as sisters before we decided to record, and we're like, you know what, this would be useful for other people to know because I didn't know.

Jessica (01:34.058)
Yes.

Samantha (01:36.369)
like my situation, like what was going on and stuff like that. So it's like, I feel like you just, there's not a lot of, I mean, there's definitely more out there now, I think, than there used to be about certain like, you know, issues with sex or low sex drive or like whatever it may be, but it's not something everyone talks about, like with their friends. It's just can be an uncomfortable conversation or you feel like you're alone and like, I'm just, something's wrong with me and like.

Jessica (01:55.37)
It's kind of just, yeah.

Samantha (02:02.641)
I'm the only one going through this and so you don't want to say it to anyone or they might think like you're weird or like you have a low sex drive. Oh no, I like to have sex all the time or oh it hurts when you have sex like that something's wrong like what's wrong you know? Yeah. So it can be an uncomfortable conversation so we're like you know what we're just we're gonna talk about it because it's gonna help somebody. It'll reach someone and I hope it helps someone otherwise you're just gonna get.

Jessica (02:09.386)
Right, you just.

Right, it's a set disconnect with your spouse. You're kind of on your own, yeah, yeah.

Jessica (02:23.902)
I know, we just, yeah, I was, yeah, hopefully, because we need to, yes, you are. We have to learn to hit record why we're just chatting these days because we end up with a lot of good content and we don't have it to share at the end of our conversation. So we're doing it today. But.

Samantha (02:30.789)
a lot of personal information about me and Jessica.

Samantha (02:40.71)
Yeah, we do.

Heh.

Jessica (02:50.626)
I will start with this because I think mine will lead into yours. So growing, well I shouldn't say growing up, but as a younger woman, I had no issue. I

love sex, there was no problem, completely normal, but I think what changed for me was being put on an antidepressant. So I'm pretty sure most of us have heard, you know, like that's like the crazy side effect of that. And there are some that don't do that, but of course those never worked for me. So being on that for years, I mean, I'm talking like probably...

Samantha (03:08.976)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha (03:19.125)
Mm-hmm.

Jessica (03:37.144)
25 years I've been on something that has just kind of slowly dwindled the sex drive and what I have found is it's taken away the spark that happens. It's not that I don't like sex or that I don't want to have it once the moment begins. It's the moment has to be

Samantha (03:40.908)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha (04:03.855)
Yeah.

Jessica (04:07.024)
initiated by someone else. It's just like, it's not, right, it's not top of mind. Yeah, yeah, that spark, that drive that you normally would have.

Samantha (04:08.789)
Mm-hmm. Right. You're not initiating it. It's not something that you're... Right. Yeah.

Jessica (04:21.562)
isn't there. It's just such an odd thing. But you know, like I said, with years of this, it just kind of became the normal for me. And it's very hard on a relationship, especially as it gets worse and worse. And it just kind of continues down that negative path, I guess. Even though that there's a reason for it, you know, it's not that, you know, you're not attracted to your spouse.

Samantha (04:22.857)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha (04:38.8)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha (04:47.145)
Right. Well, it's not like you don't want to connect with your husband. It's like your mind and body just like don't get that urge to do that. Yeah.

Jessica (04:52.64)
Right.

Jessica (04:58.002)
Yeah, like that signal that your body sends is being blocked by a medication that you know, I've Right

Samantha (05:05.385)
So it makes it harder, because it's not like... Because then you start to feel bad, and then you're like, okay, I should probably just do it, even though I don't want to or feel like it. You know? And then that's not fun or healthy necessarily either. But you're like, I got to do something. Right, right. So that's what makes it hard, is you feel guilty for not feeling...

Jessica (05:10.576)
Exactly.

Jessica (05:15.234)
Right, right. Well, exactly. It that does. Right. It's right. Right. Like what? One of us is going to be unhappy. But.

Samantha (05:32.785)
like you wanna just like pounce on your husband or your partner, whoever. And it's not that you don't want to, you just, it's like your medication is like you said, blocking that signal to make you wanna do that. And that's not your fault and that's not your husband's fault. But it's like, what do you do? This makes it harder. And it can make it harder on your relationship because you're not connecting in that intimate level that you essentially need.

Jessica (05:35.706)
Right, right, or I'm...

Jessica (05:43.829)
Yeah.

Jessica (05:47.826)
No, it just is what it is. Right, it does.

Jessica (05:57.038)
Yeah, and you know, yeah, and you know, as long as it's, you know, brought on by him, we're good, you know, like it'll still, it's still fine, you know, everything still goes the same. It's just that it's not going to be initiated by me unless I'm really, really thinking about it, or I'm, you know, like it's like I have to set a reminder, you know, like just...

Samantha (06:16.146)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha (06:23.217)
Or you're like, you're amping yourself up, you're in the bathroom, you're like, okay, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this. Let's go. Two days, oh gosh, you were nice.

Jessica (06:26.158)
I don't know, I'm like, okay, it's, you know, it's been, you know, it's been two days. It's time, it's time, like we gotta go do this or I'm gonna hear it. But you know, like I've gone to the point, oh, well let's just say I have a husband that has some serious needs and you know, yeah, he is. Yes, there's a lot of needs there and.

Samantha (06:43.397)
needs. He is a Scorpio.

Samantha (06:51.477)
I'm so sorry.

Jessica (06:52.55)
the house runs smoother and those knees are matched.

Samantha (06:55.601)
Well, you know, you make a good point with that because I personally don't necessarily, I mean, I don't have like a high sex drive by any means. And I feel like since, you know, I've gotten older and I've had Beau and now I'm pregnant with my second baby and like, you know, life happens and like you're a new mom, you're tired, you're figuring out like motherhood and then you have like a spouse who's being somewhat neglected because you just don't have the energy.

Jessica (07:22.988)
Yeah.

Samantha (07:24.141)
And I mean, I get overstimulated very easily. And like, I just naturally, like, I really don't like to be touched that much, which doesn't help. Because I think that's another thing. I don't like to be touched a ton. That's me. Yeah. So I'm not necessarily pouncing on Brett either. And it's for different reasons too. But it's like, when you feel guilty that you're not...

Jessica (07:28.171)
Hehehe

Jessica (07:32.81)
Well, that's just you in general. Like that's how you've always been. Like.

Jessica (07:41.042)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Samantha (07:52.141)
necessarily like engaging in intimate activities with your husband when they want to. Like literally, okay, last night, I have a cold right now. I don't feel that great. I have toilet paper by the side of my bed and the lights are off. It's probably, I was in bed early last night. I was in bed at like 9.30, like going to bed. And so I'm blowing my nose over the bed. And then all of a sudden like Brett,

Jessica (07:57.195)
Yeah.

Samantha (08:20.661)
comes over and like his, he's like, his arm just starts like touching my tush. And I'm like, what are you doing? And I'm like, he's like, well, what are you doing? I'm like, I am blowing snot out of my nose right now. Why on earth are you like tapping my ass? Like I know what you want right now. I am literally sick blowing snot out of my nose and you are actively trying to have sex with me. I'm like, you've got to be kidding.

Jessica (08:26.83)
Are you kidding me?

Jessica (08:43.385)
It's not happening.

Samantha (08:50.653)
Like there's just like, I'm like, how is this attractive to you right now? I'm literally sick, blowing snot out of my nose, and you feel the urge. I'm like, it's just like anytime, anywhere, he is like ready to go, and I'm like, you've got to be kidding me.

Jessica (08:50.673)
Get out of here.

Ha ha ha!

Jessica (09:02.405)
Ugh.

But hey, you're attractive to him in any state. That's a great thing, right? Like twist this to positive for a minute. Ha ha ha.

Samantha (09:09.361)
Right. So I shouldn't be complaining. I really shouldn't be complaining. But I'm just like, you've got to be kidding me, man. Like I, I was just like cracking up. I'm like, are you serious? And this is like a hundred percent, this happened last night. And I'm like, it's almost like meant to be that we started talking about this, but I'm just like, okay, you know, I should appreciate that my husband loves me and finds me attractive. But I'm like, you know what? No.

Jessica (09:22.542)
I'm gonna go to bed.

Oh my gosh.

Samantha (09:39.077)
I don't feel well. I wanna go to bed. I was like, Beau is asleep. I wanna go to sleep. I wanna like kick this cold. Like I'm sorry, I am not in the mood. Please stay over there. Well, that's the thing. We got a king bed like a couple of years ago and he sleeps closer to me now. I'm like, there's a reason we got a king bed. I don't need to be touched in my sleep. Like I said, I don't like to be touched.

Jessica (09:39.986)
I just can't right now.

Jessica (09:49.418)
You stay on your side of the king bed, don't cross the line, just...

Jessica (09:57.386)
So he couldn't touch her.

Samantha (10:05.241)
In this king bed, we have room literally for like another person to sleep if we needed to. And he still proceeds to like sleep so his feet can like touch my feet, or like he will roll over in the night where his butt is like bumped up to my butt. And I'm like, Brett, we have this king bed in all this space and you are still like, it's like you still find your way to me. And I'm like, I love you so much.

Jessica (10:09.558)
Yes.

Jessica (10:22.158)
Aww.

Jessica (10:28.182)
You're still touching me. He loves you.

Samantha (10:33.053)
but my love language is not physical touch. And I know yours is, but I was like, I'll kick him over. I literally will push his feet back over. I'm like, get away from me. And I sound like a terrible person, but I know I am not the only woman that is like this. I'm just like.

Jessica (10:36.27)
I'm sorry.

Jessica (10:51.942)
No, that's tough. I mean, gosh, it's funny because when we go to bed at night, we'll touch for the first little bit and then it's like there's that, well it is, it's like that moment hits and it's like we both hit a wall and it's like sleep time and we all we go to our separate sides like whoop.

Samantha (11:01.959)
Then it's like separate.

Samantha (11:10.301)
See, we need to talk to Brett about this. Sleep time means you don't touch each other.

Jessica (11:14.354)
Yeah, I mean, unless you're screwing with each other, like, you know, like literally just messing with each other, trying to instigate something, not sex, just to be a jerk kind of thing, then you're not touching. But you know what? He does. We don't like to be hot in our sleep. So of course, any body touching is just too much. But when you know when, so when I got pregnant,

Samantha (11:18.45)
Yeah.

Samantha (11:23.513)
Right, yeah. Then, well, you know, at least DJ understands that. Brett does not. Ha ha ha. No, God.

Samantha (11:37.262)
Yeah.

Jessica (11:42.59)
with well actually with both girls I turned into like a sex beast again like

Samantha (11:51.025)
You know, I hear that, I did not. I wanted nothing to do with it when I was pregnant.

Jessica (11:55.99)
Well, with Hayden, so I mean Hayden, she's almost 16, but she's, I know it is crazy. I was able to stay on my antidepressant with her, which now that is not the case. And when I had Taylor, I couldn't. In fact, before we started trying, my doctor made me get off of it. So that was a whole thing. Like that was, it was a traumatic experience.

Samantha (12:03.357)
That's so crazy.

Samantha (12:12.904)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha (12:22.545)
Right. Well, I feel like you had like kind of a rough pregnancy with Taylor. You were sick a lot. You know, you lost a lot of weight with her.

Jessica (12:28.37)
I was sick, well, I did. I was like with Hayden, I was on bed rest for the majority of it, and then with Taylor, I was just plain sick. But I was an emotional train wreck because I was off of that, and then I still was, but I was horny. So it was all a wreck.

Samantha (12:34.58)
Right.

Samantha (12:38.152)
Yeah.

Samantha (12:43.782)
Yeah.

Well, and then just your hormones in general when you're pregnant, my God.

Samantha (12:53.472)
Well, I'm sure DJ appreciated that phase.

Jessica (12:56.227)
Well, but the thing was I had a prolapsed placenta, so we couldn't have sex.

Samantha (13:00.105)
Oh no.

Samantha (13:03.613)
That's just terrible. Oh my god. Like, what do you do? Ha ha ha! God.

Jessica (13:05.73)
I mean, like, come on, like, do you want to like tease us anymore? I mean, it's so it was. Yeah. Right. I mean, right. So, yeah, I mean, because by the time I had Taylor, because I mean, there's a five year gap in there, you know, they realized that the medication wasn't safe to take. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. So, yeah, it's just it's crazy how it all worked out.

Samantha (13:13.461)
It's like, can I get back on that antidepressant please? I don't control this.

Samantha (13:23.957)
Mmhmm. You shouldn't be on it. Yeah. Right?

Samantha (13:32.121)
Isn't it funny though, like pregnancy I feel like, like pregnancy and then just like post pregnancy, like has, changes your body so much. And I feel like that's kind of what we were talking about was like my situation now, because when, when I was pregnant with Beau, like I said, like I didn't have like a crazy like sex drive or anything like that. But I mean, I feel like it was normal. Like we like continued on as normal, but there were like some.

Jessica (13:46.226)
Yeah, that's exactly.

Samantha (14:00.797)
days where I was just like, oh God, no, don't touch me. But that's kind of like every day. But now, like after I had Beau, you know, they say like you've got six weeks and then like you're good to go. And so Brett's just like, okay, six weeks later, yeah. And I'm like, whoa, no. I was like, I am not ready. I was like, I know I'm not ready. I don't feel ready. So.

Jessica (14:03.424)
Hehehehe

Jessica (14:14.978)
Good to go, yeah.

Jessica (14:19.791)
Marked on the calendar.

Samantha (14:28.453)
I think it's important to know that just because your doctor clears you at six weeks for sex does not mean that you necessarily are ready to have sex after six weeks. I literally, I didn't have a C-section. I had a vaginal birth. I was like, I am not ready. It might have was a very smooth and easy labor and delivery. I went in, my water broke for my first pregnancy, which is somewhat rare. I was already...

Jessica (14:37.415)
Even emotionally, yeah.

Jessica (14:43.18)
Yeah.

Jessica (14:53.494)
Which is crazy, that just doesn't happen often.

Samantha (14:57.757)
I was already dilated to a four prior to my water breaking. I just wasn't having any contractions. So then my water broke in the middle of the night, we went to the hospital. I had Beau, like we got there at three, I had Beau at like nine. So I literally only pushed for 45 minutes to an hour and I had Beau and he was fine and healthy and whatever. So it wasn't like I had like a.

traumatic birthing experience or I didn't tear or anything. Like it was very textbook. And so like at six weeks, like Brett's like, okay, yeah, let's go. And I'm like, no, like I'm not ready. Like it's still kind of like hurts down there. Like I just don't feel ready. And then like your body's different. Like you feel different. Your hormones are still all over the place. Well, so then like a little while later, like we tried and I'm like, ow, like this really, really hurts.

Jessica (15:30.518)
Mm-hmm.

Jessica (15:34.478)
I'm going to go to bed.

Jessica (15:43.661)
Yeah.

Jessica (15:52.65)
Yeah.

Samantha (15:53.449)
And I'm like, nope, stop, like it hurts. Like the penetration hurt. And I'm like, no. And so then like we tried later and like we got lube and everything. And I'm like, it's still fricking hurts. I was like, I almost feel like something's wrong. And mind you, I'm like breastfeeding also. And like, I didn't know that breastfeeding might have something to do with this. But I talked to my doctor, cause now I'm pregnant. And so I...

Jessica (16:07.306)
Yeah.

Samantha (16:23.333)
I just thought it was me needing more time. And like, so the other thing is though, I also like was like, okay, like maybe if we just do it, like it'll like stretch things out or like things will be, you know, I, well, and well, that was the thing. I literally thought it was gonna be the opposite. And apparently you just get tighter or at least I did or something. So then I'm doing all this research on like,

Jessica (16:23.991)
Poor Brett.

Jessica (16:35.027)
Right, you wouldn't think it would be so tight after you have a baby though. It's like the opposite

Samantha (16:51.241)
Cause I also found out I had dystasis or diastasis, however you want to say it, recti, where your abdominal like muscles have separated. And normally they'll go back together, but for some women they don't. And so I had like a pretty decent gap on my like lower ab muscles. And so you have to do exercises for those to be like brought back together. They just won't come back together on their own. And so I was reading up about that and that can, you know, cause like painful sex cause it's like your pelvic, like you might have a pelvic floor issue.

and you might need to do like therapy for that. And then there's these different extras. Like, it was just getting overwhelming. I'm like, what's wrong? Like, this was like over a year of this, like, and it still hurts. We still have sex. It's like the penetration part is just a little uncomfortable now. And then it's like, okay, but we're not having like all this crazy, fun, wild, like, yeah, so.

Jessica (17:26.733)
She was a hot mess.

Jessica (17:43.05)
You're having sex for a purpose because you did get pregnant again. So you purposeful sex.

Samantha (17:47.477)
Right. So then it was like, okay, well, we want to have another baby. Like, so we, and it's like, granted, we were having sex prior to trying to have a baby. It just wasn't the most fun, I guess, like for me, because I was just like, you know, but then like, I figured out kind of what works for me now, but it, but it's different than what it was before. And I think that happens with like a lot of women. Like it's not always going to feel the same down there after baby. And so then.

Jessica (17:52.387)
Ha ha!

Jessica (18:00.234)
Now for you, yeah. Wasn't as enjoyable.

Find your position.

Samantha (18:17.913)
I had my first doctor appointment and I was supposed to have like literally like my yearly appointment with my doctor was around the same time like we found out I was pregnant and I had to go in for my OB appointment. So I talked to her about this and she's like, okay, well, when did you stop breastfeeding? And I was like November and this is now January. And so she's like, okay, well, it probably explains why, you know, you're still having

like it's still uncomfortable with penetration is because like the tissue and the muscles while you're breastfeeding are just like really tender for some women and it takes a while for them to like get back to normal. And then she's like, and now you're pregnant, so they're not going to get back to normal. And then it's going to be, you know, I plan on breastfeeding again. So then it's probably not going to be back to normal until I'm done. And then if we choose, yeah. And then if we choose to have a third, it's going to be like the same.

Jessica (19:03.918)
Mm-hmm.

No.

You got two years.

Samantha (19:15.413)
problem. And so I'm like, Oh my God, like this is crazy because like just from breastfeeding, it's like sex is uncomfortable. And I'm like, I had no idea. And granted, there could be like some other issues going on. Maybe I do need to strengthen my pelvic floor. You know, maybe I will just try to do it. I'm like, I don't know if I can do those while I'm pregnant. Like I was like, now that there's a whole other thing. So it's crazy. Well, well, that's what I mean.

Jessica (19:17.57)
Wow.

Jessica (19:22.882)
Who'da thought?

Jessica (19:38.038)
Ha ha ha.

Well, you don't want to tighten it too much. You want the baby to come out properly.

Samantha (19:45.361)
So I'm like maybe post baby, like postpartum, I will do a little bit more like exercise focused on just like strengthening like my like pelvic floor and that'll help. But it's just crazy that like, you know, I thought like something's gotta be wrong. Like this isn't normal. Like it shouldn't hurt this much. It's been over a year. Like why does it still hurt kind of thing?

And I know there's other women out there that probably are thinking the same thing. And I did a ton of research on my own. I'm like looking up all this stuff. I almost went to pelvic floor therapy. I almost like, I'm trying all these exercises. I bought this like diastasis recti guide and all this stuff. And it was overwhelming. And it's just like, then you're also trying to take care.

Jessica (20:17.442)
Oh my gosh.

Jessica (20:24.514)
Ha ha ha!

Samantha (20:28.869)
of your baby and your house and your husband and all this stuff and I found myself just like getting overwhelmed and not even doing half of the exercises which probably didn't help my problem. But I think that, you know, you just, one, it was my first baby. I had no idea what was normal, what wasn't normal postpartum. And then you just feel like you don't really wanna talk about it because then you're like, oh, like you're not having sex with your husband. Like that's weird and it hurts. Like.

Jessica (20:38.305)
Yeah.

Samantha (20:57.053)
That's weird too, you know, like you're just kind of like, you know, it's not something that you just like talk about all the time. And so I feel like that's what I'm like, you know what, if we can just like put this out there and somebody else that might be going through this, I'm not a health professional. I don't know if what I'm saying is 100% accurate, but I know from the research that I've done and talking to my doctor, like breastfeeding can have a part of it, but I also maybe just need to strengthen my pelvic floor too.

Jessica (20:57.311)
Yeah.

Jessica (21:09.322)
Yeah.

Jessica (21:12.866)
You're not alone.

Jessica (21:28.19)
Yeah, but it's worth bringing up to your doctor. It's not, you're not alone. These issues exist.

Samantha (21:28.374)
Um, and it's just, it, yeah. Oh, for sure. Well, and that's the thing. I probably, I probably should have said something to my doctor sooner. I mean, I've been dealing with this for over a year, you know? So I'm like, I should have said something sooner and I didn't. And I now am kind of like, well.

Jessica (21:39.879)
earlier, yeah.

Samantha (21:52.677)
If I would have done that, is there something that would have changed? Would she maybe have had- and of course, like after this baby will like- she like checked me out, obviously everything internally is fine. But yeah, it's just like that. Those muscles are just super tender apparently, but you know, it's all a part of bringing life into the world. It's the circle of life, but you know, who knew?

Jessica (21:56.075)
Yeah.

Jessica (22:03.114)
Yeah, I was gonna say physically it's fine, but yeah.

Jessica (22:12.322)
Hmm

Jessica (22:16.042)
Circle of life. Yeah, I mean that I'd say the same on that because I didn't talk to the doctor about my issues early on either because it's not something that first. Yeah.

Samantha (22:26.079)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha (22:30.673)
It's just another thing you have to do. You know, I feel like you put yourself on the back burner and you're like, I'm fine, it's okay. Like, it's not the end of the world. Like if my husband can't have sex with me right now. But you know, that also put a strain on our relationship. And I think having a new baby, and this could be a whole nother topic, you know, having a baby, like definitely, like Brett and I had to figure out our relationship because it was just like,

Jessica (22:36.371)
Yeah.

Jessica (22:48.072)
Mm-hmm.

Jessica (22:51.638)
Hahaha

Samantha (22:59.749)
I was totally focused on Beau and what he needed and like, so Brett was a little neglected, which you know, he can be a little neglected after I have the baby, but for him, he's like the center of my world and then now like the baby comes in and of course he loved and adored Beau, but it's like our relationship changed. Mm-hmm.

Jessica (23:06.391)
Yeah.

Jessica (23:17.526)
Well, it's a big change and within your first year of marriage, just like we did.

Samantha (23:23.061)
Yes, that yes, we yeah, we've been married for two years now we had both the first year. So yeah, that's a It's a big it's a big change

Jessica (23:24.546)
that we have that in common.

We did that with Hayden and we, yeah. So it's like, you never get the honeymoon phase, but you guys were together a long time like we were. And even though that's the case, it was very challenging to learn how to be a couple, official couple or a married couple and have a new baby at the same time. Yeah.

Samantha (23:37.525)
Ugh, forever.

Samantha (23:49.917)
Right, right.

Samantha (23:53.957)
in the same year, yeah. Well, and that's the thing too, it's there's so many things that go into being a married couple and that's like, yeah, we were together for like, for a long time. But right, that's the thing, like you're figuring out finances, you're figuring out like all these things and then you're also having a baby at the same time and you might not have figured everything out yet or the dynamic of things and then I stopped teaching.

Jessica (24:02.134)
But you're official, everything is combined.

Jessica (24:17.866)
Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Samantha (24:18.897)
and I started working with you. So that was a different change. And so we went through a lot of changes our first year of marriage. And I think all of them piling on kind of around the same time was really hard on Brett and I, but like we definitely came out of it stronger. It's just, it was something that you don't necessarily, I thought like, oh yeah, like he was great when I was pregnant, he was so like attentive and, right.

Jessica (24:30.806)
Mm-hmm.

Jessica (24:35.742)
Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

Jessica (24:43.95)
Well, it was it was because he was getting attention though, you know, like he there's no third wheel.

Samantha (24:47.577)
And so then once I had Beau, right, so once I had Beau, I'm like, what the heck? Like, why did you stop being so attentive? And like, I feel like you just kind of left me in the dust and you don't care anymore. And like, obviously, like my hormones are raging too. I'm super sensitive, you know? It's just like this whole thing. And then like, you're just kind of like at each other and you're like, we should be happy. We just had a beautiful baby. Like, why are we like?

Jessica (25:05.17)
No way.

Samantha (25:16.437)
fighting over stupid things and then you're trying to like not micromanage him when he's doing things with the baby But you see him doing something wrong or you're like, why are you doing it? Yeah, it's like why are you doing it that way? I don't do it that way. And so it's just like it's a lot and you know what I think it can If you don't already have like a strong foundation, it can be it can be so hard on your marriage

Jessica (25:16.942)
I'm sorry.

Jessica (25:25.254)
Wrong in your eyes.

Jessica (25:30.09)
Right? It is.

Jessica (25:43.093)
Yeah, well...

Samantha (25:43.293)
when you go into it with like a strong foundation, I mean, it's tough.

Jessica (25:48.746)
Yeah, well, and then throw in some medical issues with Hayden, remember everything we went through that first week with her, like she, yeah, she was our glow bug. Yeah, well, yeah, you were running, or you ran over to the house a couple times in the middle of the night so I could run to the store. Yeah, he was traveling for work.

Samantha (25:54.581)
Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Jaundice and acid reflux.

Samantha (26:11.76)
Yeah. Yeah, DJ was gone and you called me at like 2 a.m.

Jessica (26:16.998)
I think that was when I gave you my car, didn't I? Because I had turned in my leash at, yeah, and I was going to let you guys have that for a bit. Put it to use. Yes, you did have to share a car, that's right. Yeah, because I remember the very first week after we had Hayden, that was the hardest week for DJ. He just kind of...

Samantha (26:20.549)
Yeah, the Saturn. Yeah. Yeah, cause we had to share a car. Beat it.

Jessica (26:40.874)
lost his marbles. I don't know what happened. Like reality sunk in and he...

Samantha (26:42.661)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. You guys are pretty young, though, too. Like you were 25, 26.

Jessica (26:50.854)
26. Yeah. Because we were 20. Well I was 31 when I had Taylor. Yeah. We weren't doing any late-age babies. Like 31 was old enough. That was, that was a rough... I know it is, but you know what? You guys do it. You know, you did everything later. You got married later. Like I mean...

Samantha (26:52.985)
Yeah. I mean, I was 31 when I had Beau.

Samantha (27:01.407)
Mm-hmm. And I'll be 34, just 34, when I have this baby.

Yeah. The different time now.

Samantha (27:17.53)
Oh yeah.

Jessica (27:19.438)
I yeah it was just different that's that was late for me it felt like yes I know that was a little yeah no and you got married quick after that what six months five you plan that out and boom

Samantha (27:22.885)
Yeah, I got married a little later than I would have liked, but that was Brett, you know, doing, he just wasn't proposing fast enough.

Samantha (27:34.894)
fi- five months.

Well, it was also during COVID, so that was also like a whole thing. It was like the end of COVID, kind of. So things we wanted to do like we couldn't do, but it turned out to be great. So.

Jessica (27:42.826)
Oh yeah, forget about that. Yep. Well.

Jessica (27:51.998)
Yeah, that was it was a fun one. But yeah, so I mean, his dad kind of talked to him and got him back in line and it was all fine. But I think because I was trying to nurse Hayden and it turns out she was basically starving for the first week because I had nothing come in.

Samantha (27:59.279)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha (28:05.767)
Oh yeah.

Samantha (28:10.985)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Jessica (28:12.158)
And they kept saying, oh, you know, the lactation counselor at the hospital, because we hadn't had our first visit with the pediatrician. She's like, oh, she's getting everything she needs. It's fine. You know, whatever you have is fine. I should have trusted my mom instinct. It's just like, are you kidding? I. Hmm.

Samantha (28:23.549)
Mm-hmm. That's what happened with Beau. Mm-hmm. He had the same problem, because we went in to the doctor like two days after he was, three days after maybe he was born, because he was born on a Saturday or a Friday. We went in on a Monday. But yeah, he, you know, in the hospital, I'm like, you know, he's not really like wanting to eat. And they're like, well, you know, it's like, I'm like, he's just wanting to sleep.

And they're like, well, that's fine if he wants to sleep. I'm like, but then he's not eating anything. And they're like, well, remember his stomach is the size of like a pea at that time. So they really don't need much food. And I'm like, okay. So then we go to the doctor and he had lost weight already. Like, and then he was at the point of like already being too underweight. And so we talked to the lactation consultant at our pediatrician and like she helped me and stuff. And then

Jessica (28:50.229)
Mm-hmm.

Jessica (28:54.093)
Right.

Jessica (29:04.554)
Yeah, right, that was...

Jessica (29:13.303)
Yeah.

Samantha (29:19.249)
Like I thought he was doing okay, and then like a couple days later, like in the middle of it, he's just like screaming, like starving. And I was like about ready to give him some formula that we had and Brett's like, just wait a minute, like you really wanted to be on this breastfeeding journey, like just, you pumped a couple ounces earlier, let's give him that. So we give him that, he like sucks it down in two seconds.

Jessica (29:26.018)
Mm-hmm. Starving. Yes.

Samantha (29:46.137)
and then I start pumping again to try to get him some food because he's not getting it from me. So then I called a lactation consultant the next morning, we went over and then tried to figure it out again and he actually latched there and then had this huge poop. And she's like, well, that's good. That's a good sign of a good feeding. And I'm like, okay, great, let's do this again at home. And so it definitely was a learning process. And for me, what I thought was interesting, which I had never thought about before was like,

Jessica (29:48.286)
Yeah.

Jessica (30:04.399)
Oh, yay!

Samantha (30:15.449)
I just saw babies came out knowing how to latch and knowing how to breastfeed. And she's like, he's still learning and you're learning. Like he doesn't know what to do either. So he's trying to figure it out. And I'm like, I thought they just already knew how to breastfeed, you know? I thought it was like a natural thing, but they don't. They have to learn how to do it. And of course, like he figured it out because I breastfed for over a year, but it's just like, it's hard and it's a mental and physical like thing.

Jessica (30:17.81)
Knowing how to do it. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Jessica (30:28.736)
Yeah, right.

Yeah, apparently they don't.

Jessica (30:38.104)
Yeah.

Jessica (30:43.782)
Oh, it's a thing, for sure. Well.

Samantha (30:46.377)
And I mean, I'm glad Brett was there to like support me in that moment because I was about ready to just be like, give him the damn formula, you know? Cause I was like, he's hungry. Like I was not thinking, I was upset. I'm like, my baby is hungry. I'm not, and then you feel guilty as a mom. I'm like, I'm not doing what I'm supposed to like feed my baby. And I think that's the biggest thing with breastfeeding is like, it's about.

Jessica (30:50.719)
That was a good thing. He was calm. Right, yeah, he was very calm.

Jessica (31:05.354)
You're failing. Yeah, like, right.

Samantha (31:11.109)
It's all on you, you know? And it's like, if they're not getting enough food, like it feels like, cause it is, like your fault or your body's fault. And you're like.

Jessica (31:12.64)
Mm-hmm.

Or, right, or if you eat something wrong and it gives them a belly ache, that was always my thing. I'm like, did I, you know, am I gonna do something silly?

Samantha (31:20.869)
Right. Yeah. I know. God forbid I had broccoli one night and it was not fun for Beau, so then I had to stop eating anything green. Normally I'd be okay with that, but I'm like, no! I was like, I'm trying to be healthy and I can't eat. I'm like, most of the things that I like vegetable-wise are green. And I couldn't eat any of them because they're all broccoli, Brussels sprouts, you know, those make babies pretty gassy. I'm like, okay.

Jessica (31:29.518)
Toot, toot, toot. Ha ha.

Jessica (31:35.202)
Hahaha!

Jessica (31:41.566)
Well, right, of course.

Jessica (31:47.194)
Oh.

Oh boy.

Samantha (31:50.933)
I'm like, I don't like celery, I don't like... But you know, now everything's good. We've got the sex stuff somewhat under control, we've got being parents somewhat under control, and now we're having another baby and we're just gonna be into chaos again, but it'll be great.

Jessica (31:54.753)
Yeah, gosh, you know...

Yeah.

Jessica (32:11.01)
Yeah, I was gonna say you're gonna just, you know, do another bout of all of this and see if you can get that under control.

Samantha (32:18.638)
Yep. And I'm like, you know what, if it's like another, if it's like three or four years of like, just having to like deal with life like this, I'm okay with that. You know, like it's a very small amount of time. But yeah, right. Yeah.

Jessica (32:30.354)
It's all at once. Yeah, it's all at once. There's no gaps because that you know, I had the gap. So that was that's tough. It's like starting over I think

Samantha (32:38.157)
Yeah, because you know, obviously we're gonna have two kids. We're still debating on number three. We'll have two and see what happens, but I'm like, you know, It's just the price of building a family. A good price to pay. Right. And you know what? For me in my like somewhat low sex drive, I really don't mind not having sex all the time, but my husband doesn't appreciate it. But I'm like, you know what?

Jessica (32:45.107)
Mm-hmm.

Jessica (32:51.538)
It is and obviously it was the grand plan, so it's happening.

Jessica (33:02.41)
Hahahaha

Jessica (33:06.822)
Oh, it's funny. Right, right? So when is it gonna be about him now? You're gonna have to make a moment when it's gonna be about him. So it'll be like that midlife, well actually your midlife will be pretty late since you're knocking on your midlife soon.

Samantha (33:07.513)
It's not about you right now, okay? It's about me and my health and the baby's health and all this stuff. I was like, you are fine.

Oh, I don't know.

21 years from now. Oh no.

Samantha (33:28.597)
It will be I'll be in my 50s. I was calculating it out and I think if we have three kids, I'll be like 50

mid 50s, early to mid 50s when they turn 21. If I have a third.

Jessica (33:46.154)
Wow, that's something to think about.

Samantha (33:47.45)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so that's another thing why we're like debating on if we want to have another one. Because we'll be much older, you know, we won't... we'll be like the old grandparents that are like in the chairs barely remembering anyone's name.

Jessica (33:53.942)
That's something to think about.

Jessica (33:58.542)
It's gonna be like, it's gonna be like, um, father of the bride, too.

Samantha (34:06.769)
Well, you know what? He looked older than he actually was cause his hair is gray. They really weren't that old, I don't think. Cause they had a young kid. Well, right, yeah. We won't be that old, but like, he'll be 21. I won't be having a new baby at 50. So.

Jessica (34:10.287)
I know, but I'm just thinking.

Jessica (34:18.754)
Ha ha ha!

That's funny, but okay, yeah.

Samantha (34:22.813)
But then, you know, Brett and I also are like, you know, it might sound selfish to some people, but we want to be able to do things with, like, our kids when they're grown, but we also want to, like, do things on our own and travel and stuff like that when we're still able to, like, hopefully our health is okay and whatever. But it's like, you know, we're also thinking about, like, what we want, you know, in our later years also. So, you know, we started things later, so we got to decide what we want to do.

Jessica (34:30.154)
Yeah, you wanna enjoy, yeah.

Jessica (34:35.263)
Mm-hmm.

Absolutely. Yeah, you need that.

Jessica (34:46.358)
Definitely. Yep.

Samantha (34:51.845)
And you know, gosh, today it's so expensive. Everything's so expensive. And it's like, you know, we have to be, you know, we have to think like, can we like reasonably, like can we afford having like three kids, like a family of five? Like we have to think about that and what we wanna do and if we wanna travel and stuff like that.

Jessica (34:52.279)
Well.

Jessica (34:56.102)
Oh my gosh, so expensive.

Jessica (35:05.48)
Yeah.

Jessica (35:09.546)
Yeah, I mean, I think you can always afford it. It's just how much do you want to stretch the budget? You know? Mm-hmm, that's what I mean, yeah.

Samantha (35:15.013)
Well, how much are you willing to sacrifice to? You know, like, what do you want to do with, you know, what kind of vacations do you wanna have? Like, what kind of, you know, house do you wanna have? Or car, like, can we afford to get our kids cars? You know, like, there's just so many things. And of course, me being the, like, I'm somewhat of a pessimist. I just, like, look for all the negative things, and then I try not to be that way, but I also am, like, think, I think so far ahead.

Jessica (35:23.371)
Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Yeah.

Jessica (35:36.202)
That you are.

Samantha (35:44.153)
of like, okay, what's gonna happen? So we found out that we're having a baby girl and I about had like a meltdown. I thought I was gonna have another boy. I did, I did have a meltdown. But I'm okay with it now. I'm very happy that we're having a healthy baby and I'm okay that it's a girl. But I just had like this freak out moment. But I was thinking about all of the things like down the road.

Jessica (35:51.742)
About or did? She did.

Samantha (36:08.141)
and just like how the world is now and I'm gonna be so worried about her and like her meeting the wrong people or her getting in a bad situation or like, you know, we have a wedding we have to pay for, we have prom dresses, we have like all of these things, I have to worry about boys and if she's being safe, like I know and I'm like, you know, they are more expensive. We like did, I'm like, what if she picks an expensive sport like I did, like I figure skated and I, you know, I'm just like.

Jessica (36:23.477)
What will her hobbies be? Will they be expensive?

Jessica (36:29.998)
Hehehehe

Jessica (36:34.219)
Right?

Samantha (36:36.745)
thinking about all of this stuff and I'm like, you know what, Sam? Like that is so far down the road. Just stop. Enjoy. I know I'm not a news to all. I am not a pink person. And my mother-in-law, lovely, sent me three pink things in the mail right after we found out we were having a girl. Which. Yeah, she got me some stuff.

Jessica (36:37.066)
Cheer, yeah.

Jessica (36:44.362)
That it is. What if she wears pink?

Jessica (36:54.966)
Ha ha!

Jessica (36:59.086)
So I talked to our mother yesterday and she's well but she said she thinks she's the one that caused this pink issue with you because you and your sister as twins, Sydney was always dressed in purple, you were always dressed in pink. She screwed it up. Yes. Right. So all of your years of growing up she screwed it up.

Samantha (37:14.697)
Yeah.

Samantha (37:18.673)
Was I? Okay. Well, I prefer purple over pink. Ha ha ha.

Jessica (37:27.919)
She's the cause. She flipped these. Well, right. But you should have been in purple. Sydney loves pink. No.

Samantha (37:29.393)
Well, and people thought we were boys because we barely had hair, so that's why she put us in pink and purple too. But back then, they didn't have all the gender neutral clothes. I know. But you know what? I wonder if it's because we were staring at each other in these colors. We couldn't really see our color that we had on. We were staring at each other all the time. It's probably why she likes pink and I like purple.

Jessica (37:43.734)
Ha ha!

Samantha (37:53.497)
I mean, who knows the psychology of this, but I also was a tomboy. Sid and I had our, I think we did this for our own identity. Sydney's was very girly, Sydney's, Sydney was very girly, like nail polish and makeup and I was like soccer and just like my Adidas matching sets and all of that stuff, like, you know.

Jessica (37:55.651)
Yeah, there you go, that's a thought.

Jessica (38:01.396)
Yeah.

Jessica (38:07.086)
Hahaha!

Jessica (38:18.579)
Yes, yes.

Samantha (38:20.437)
I was not the girly, I didn't really like makeup. I mean, when I got older, yeah, of course, I got into that and boys and whatever. But I was more like, I like a good stuffed animal, I like a good toy, I like my good Adidas matching set, I like some stuff that's not girly. And I think I was doing that also to just have my own identity, but I also wasn't interested in the same things as Sid was either, like my personality.

Jessica (38:31.014)
A good stuffed animal.

Jessica (38:43.362)
Yeah?

Jessica (38:47.722)
Yeah.

Samantha (38:49.445)
So it's just very interesting. I mean, we start this podcast talking about sex and all these things that we get into families and motherhood and babies. And now we're talking about, you know, why maybe I don't like pink, but that's how we roll.

Jessica (38:55.594)
Uh, we ended up.

Jessica (39:05.022)
You know, it's just how we do it. It is the rabbit holes we take. So, yeah, but back to where we started. I think I think it's okay to know that if you're not you're not feeling that sex drive, you're definitely not alone. And there's reasons behind it. Different reasons. Definitely different reasons, but

Samantha (39:11.538)
You know?

Samantha (39:30.634)
Mm-hmm.

And it's okay if there isn't a reason and you just have a low sex drive. Like there's nothing wrong with that either. And that's just something that whoever you're with has to adjust to, you know? Like there's, it's part of it. Yeah. And if you feel like there's something wrong, like I did, like maybe talk to your doctor sooner than I did, and you know, if it's a medication thing, like talk to your doctor about that, or just know that like, this is just kind of part of your journey at this point, but just embrace.

Jessica (39:37.61)
Yeah, that's very normal.

Yeah, it's part of you. It's who you are. I mean, yeah.

Jessica (39:51.942)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Jessica (40:00.973)
Yeah.

Samantha (40:02.449)
Just embrace it. Don't feel bad. I know it's hard to not feel bad, but you just gotta do what's best for you.

Jessica (40:03.598)
who you are, yeah.

Jessica (40:10.09)
Yeah, I mean, we can't bounce the guilt off each other, you know? I mean, feel guilty for not wanting it. And then he feels guilty for always wanting you to want it. You know, it's just that's not healthy. So yeah, and there's options out there for things. I mean, there's a pink pill now. Have you all seen that? You know, there's the blue pill for the guys. There's a pink pill now. I know it's society, you know?

Samantha (40:19.513)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha (40:27.465)
pink pill. Of course it's pink! See that's what it is, it's society. Blue for boys, pink for girls.

Jessica (40:39.754)
That's just what it has to be, apparently. Poor Sam. But yeah, so that's about I don't know. That's our spiel for today. We really did go all over the place, but it was.

Samantha (40:43.173)
I know, people are crazy.

Samantha (40:56.605)
We did, but we hope you enjoy it. We hope you benefit from it and just embrace you.

Jessica (41:00.683)
Yeah.

Yeah, 100%. Boom.

Samantha (41:08.309)
goes to dynamite.