075 - Estranged: When Your Child Disowns You with Crystal Bailar

In this episode,  Crystal Bailar, an outdoor enthusiast and pyrography artist, shares her journey into wood burning, her love for nature, and how these experiences connect her to God. She discusses her outdoor adventures, the meditative aspects of her art, and personal stories of valleys and victories in her life, particularly regarding her relationship with her daughter. The conversation emphasizes the importance of finding God in nature and offers encouragement for parents facing challenges with their children.

Links to my website and social media etc: https://www.mosstangle.com/
https://www.instagram.com/mosstangle/
https://www.youtube.com/@mosstangle
personal IG: https://www.instagram.com/crystalboutside/

Transcript

McKenzie Piland (00:01)
On today's episode of My Valley, His Victory, we have Crystal Baylor. She is an outdoor enthusiast and pyrography artist who loves Jesus and loves people. She experiences the peace of God and His loving care most vividly in nature and brings that same spirit into her art and wood burning workshops.

She provides a safe, encouraging space where anyone can adventure into their own God-given creativity through the slow, meditative art of wood burning. She's been hiking and backpacking since a very young age and often finds herself mentoring others with the same spirit in outdoor activities as well. Thanks so much for being with us today, Crystal.

Crystal (00:45)
Thanks, I'm glad to be here.

McKenzie Piland (00:47)
Yeah, absolutely. I am really excited to hear more about this whole wood burning thing and how you got into that because I think that is so cool and I've seen some of your work and it is just absolutely amazing. So would love for you to just share with the listeners a little bit more about yourself and maybe how you got into that and just all the things.

Crystal (00:59)
Thanks.

Okay, yeah, so I currently live in Washington, Western Washington, so that's the side where it rains all the time, but with my husband and my dog, and we, you know, we love, I've always loved the outdoors. I have, I grew up outside, living, camping, hiking. I grew up, we moved around a lot when I was a kid, so was like.

California, Idaho, a lot of West Coast stuff and moved to Alaska, lived there for a total of 20 years. So I kind of consider Alaska my home, but I've been in Washington for 10 years, so Washington is quickly becoming also my home. So yeah, so I, as far as wood burning, I...

started like 2017, like Christmas time. I was just going to make something for the house. And we just found that I was looking for the old wood burning tool that, you know, every, almost everyone has in their garage or basement or crawl space or something. But, um, and, uh, I couldn't find it. So my husband was like, well, I'll just run to Home Depot and get that for you. And it was like a $12, like, you know, one of those Weller, it looks like a soldering iron.

And I just made some coasters and posted it on Facebook and and then I had some friends say, oh, could you how do you do that? Could you make some for me? And it just I just found that I loved it so much and it was so I don't want to say I felt like it was kind of easy to do, but mostly I think because I could kind of get over the fact that nothing could be perfect.

And so I guess part of why I love it is that you can make mistakes and it doesn't, or what seems like mistakes, and it doesn't necessarily ruin your project. It can just be, you know, incorporated somehow. And I really love that just the smell of the burning wood and just how it, it's almost like, like meditating. So instead of,

you know, breathe, yeah, I'm breathing, but instead of focusing on breathing, it's like you're focusing so much on all of the sensations that are going on while you're wood burning. The smells, the sounds, the way the wood is burning, and then also having to hold this hot tool that's in your hand. And so after a while, it's like the world, the rest of the world just fades away. And I think it's kind of similar to why I like being outside, right? It's like that.

you can get out there and I can focus on the trail, focus on what's around me and the rest of the world just fades away. And I think that's how that, you know, I became connected with that. So, and I've been teaching classes since 2019 and did some online classes through the pandemic. And that's interesting teaching wood burning online, but we did it. But I sure love in-person classes more. And though I

don't currently have any on my schedule. I still do them. I do mostly now just like private parties where people set up their own group and I come to their house or meet them at a place and we do wood burning. So that's me. And of course my art, which I love. love doing mountains, trees, flowers, all things that not only are inspired by creation, but also

allow for that kind of give and take and imperfections.

McKenzie Piland (04:37)
Yeah, absolutely.

Were you like painting or drawing or kind of expressing your art in some other way before you started this or did you kind of just jump straight into word burning?

Crystal (04:43)
you

Right, so I've always liked to make things and I'm one of those people that has like every craft, project, supplies and we homeschooled our kids so we also, you we had everything we needed to like have them do everything they could desire, know, watercolors, acrylics, know, drawing and my kids, I was never, I never felt like I was super creative or talented at drawing or

making something look like something I wanted it to be on a page. actually just never really felt confident in that. And my kids were taking an art class that and their teacher ended up being a good friend of mine. And she had this like, you know, once a month, all the moms could come over in the evening and have a way, you know, an evening out and we could just paint. And it wasn't like classes. was just, you know, I brought my kids.

paints and watercolors and I just started just being more comfortable with painting and she would be there to be like, let me show you, I'll show you how to do like a face or how to do these things that you're struggling with. And I think that just really brought a love for, I was like, I can paint. I mean, it's not perfect. It's not awesome, but it's fun. And I like doing it. So I did more like watercolor and then I did some sketching and just kind of loosely. I do a lot of, I did a lot of.

quilting, it's kinda all over the place. It wasn't until I hit wood burning that I found something that just really captured me and stuck with it. So.

McKenzie Piland (06:18)
Yeah. Yeah. No, that's very cool. I love that you said, you know, you had kind of tried it all and didn't really love any of it. And then you found wood burning and that was your thing. yeah, and it's such a unique thing. Like, I feel like not that many people do that. I've seen a few people, you know, I think on Instagram that have done it I'm just so amazed, like kind of didn't even know that that was a thing. And I was like, whoa, this is like really, really cool art.

Crystal (06:28)
Yep, it took a long time.

Yeah.

McKenzie Piland (06:46)
and it's on this beautiful background with the bark on the outside and it just adds layers versus a canvas. ⁓

Crystal (06:49)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah,

I don't like to compare, but there are some incredible artists out there. I feel like when I don't compare, feel good. I like what I make. I enjoy it. And when I start looking at other people, some other artwork, I'm just like, it's just like fathoms greater. I just can't even comprehend. It's so amazing. And I think I just try to just take joy in that and...

think, well, you know, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and I'm happy with that.

McKenzie Piland (07:24)
Hey, as long as it is serving you in the way that you need it. And you you said it's meditative. You can block out the world and you know, you can kind of really get into this space. Then, hey, I think that that is all the matters. We all need hobbies and things like that where we can, you know, just get so kind of in that flow state, you know, of just like being present, being there and everything else goes away. And so, hey, I think you're winning.

Crystal (07:27)
Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yep.

Exactly, yeah.

McKenzie Piland (07:49)
So before we hopped on, we were talking, you saw my backpacks and you said, you know, I wish I would have kept mine. I went on my first backpacking trip when I was five. Kind of talked to us about what it was like growing up, you know, being in the outdoors and kind of what hobbies you have done over the years and which ones may be stuck, kind of like the wood burning ones. Like what's your, what's your thing you do now?

Crystal (08:12)
Yeah, so I actually, I've been hiking since I could walk and my parents are very much outdoor lovers. And at some point, I was a teenager or in my early 20s and I said something about, you know, I tell my friends I spent a lot of time outside, or spent a lot of time outside growing up. And my mom said, yeah, that's not an exaggeration. You spent a lot of time outside growing up.

So, and we just, hiked all over. I mean, I remember trips to Yosemite, trips to the desert. My dad's favorite place to hike was the desert. I remember hiking in like creek beds for trails because that was where the water was and especially in California, you know, and so, and just, and our whole family, my uncle, my cousins, you know, we just.

There was just a lot of camping. remember laying down. My parents would pack. My dad would carry, he had one of those big external frame packs and he would pack that thing with like canned food and rice and like whatever food for a family of five. Okay, so at this point I had two other siblings and he would load that thing, don't know, 50, 60 pounds. And then he would have my sister on his shoulders. She was the...

a year younger than me, so I was the oldest, so I didn't get carried. had a walk. And he would just like, he just was like this strong person and just, I would marvel at him and he would teach us, he and my mom both, would teach us about, you know, how to walk uphill to not tire out too soon and like going sideways and stepping in snow and just all the...

lessons that you learn just doing the things and having these incredible mentors who happen to be my parents, you know, so Yeah, so I got my first backpack when I was for my fifth birthday and now is the time I started carrying a lot of my own gear and and I I still backpack today. I've gone through a few different styles of backpack and I'm I'm now carrying it's like

Over the years as technology has changed and things have gotten lighter and lighter, it's just been really amazing to be able to go farther faster with less gear and lighter gear. even today, and it's been fun because my mom, who's 72 now, over the years she also has, we've kind of...

shared gear stories. was like, so we still have this super strong relationship with the outdoors. Whenever I go to Alaska to visit, lot of time spent outside and my mom is, I mean, I could go on and on about her, but she's still at 72 just doing what she loves being outside. She lives in a cabin in, um, uh,

near near Talkeetna, Alaska. It's kind of more north of there, but it's like Trapper Creek area. And anyway, so a lot of time spent outside and over the years I did some sports in high school, swimming, a little bit of cross country skiing. Mostly I think I even did some like what they call cross country running at the time.

And somewhere after I started having kids, I pretty young, and somewhere in my early 20s, maybe mid 20s, I realized, and I was still hiking all the time, and I realized that I just loved, I loved trail running, and I loved the more windy, the more downhill, challenging things. just really...

started loving that more and more and became, became more my thing. Now I've run a road marathon and it wasn't the distance that killed me. was just running on the road is horrible. It's just for me. I know there's people who love it, but I just couldn't take it. could, I mean, I did the thing, but I, I'm done. I like, I will never do that again. And I think that kind of pushed me into, but I can run a long distance on trails.

McKenzie Piland (12:34)
haha

Crystal (12:40)
And since I have had a lot of trouble with like just injuries, knee pain, ankle pain, foot pain, back pain, it just seemed like over the years I would get going and then I would back off and then I'd get going again. And so was a lot of off and on. And the times that I wasn't outside able to hike or run, those were times I struggled.

always got back on and I'm, mean, even now I'm, haven't been able to run for several months and, but I'm hiking and I'm slowly getting, I've been working with PT and slowly getting better and finding that I still haven't given up on running. Last year I did my first like trail race where you actually, like I actually ran with other people. I'd never done that before. And it was,

I did a 10-miler and then I did a, what they call a backyard ultra, where you just run loops. It's a 4.2, 4.1 mile loop, as many times as you can until you can't do it in an hour. So, and then we did, I did that with my sister in Alaska and we did that. That was, we did six loops, which is just sort of a marathon, but we came in that sixth loop just as the bell was ringing.

to be ready to go for the next one and we could have started the next one, but I doubt we would have finished it. I was happy with that. yeah, so that's, kinda, I think, I love, like I do still do cross country skiing. I still do a snowshoeing in the winter. I picked up mountain biking. Those are all things I love, but my true thing that I really keep going back to is.

the trail running, which to me is just hiking fast. You know, that's, I'm not, I'm not out to make any speed records. I just want to go farther in less time and, experience that movement. That's the big thing is that movement through the woods. like the trees going by or running along a ridge. it's just, there's just this sense of accomplishment and then also experiencing nature. And one of the things that for

McKenzie Piland (14:27)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Crystal (14:50)
about trail running for me is like, it's like I'm solving puzzles one step at a time very quickly. And it just, it's like, can't think about anything else except for the next thing I'm in a step over, you know, and keeping that kind of that vision kind of soft, and then also paying attention to what's just ahead instead of right under my feet. Like I know what's going to happen under my feet, because I just looked at it two seconds ago or whatever. And I feel like that.

McKenzie Piland (14:54)
Mm-hmm.

Crystal (15:17)
provides a lot of mental stimulation and an ability to see things differently. It's not just focusing on, I mean, I do stop and focus on the flower or focus on the certain features, but being able to kind of take it all in while you're moving through it, there's just something special about that.

McKenzie Piland (15:35)
Yeah.

Definitely you have I always joke you have officially made the backpacking transition into ultra running and high endurance I'm like people and I make the joke all the time people in like go backpacking they go one or two directions they go into Running ultras and running marathons and doing all that stuff or they go into mountaineering there's there's two paths and I feel like most of them go into the like super high endurance stuff and

Crystal (16:00)
Yep.

Yeah.

McKenzie Piland (16:05)
That's, that's so, that's always so funny to me. Like that, that, that's a, that that's just the progression of, of most backpackers. And so I always have to get a goal because I, I'm like, that will not be me. I think I would definitely go that route. I've never, I've never gone, but I, I hate running so much that I'm like, there's not a chance I'm going that direction. However, mountaineering definitely really intrigues me.

Crystal (16:18)
So you more into mountaineering then?

Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

McKenzie Piland (16:32)
like that that sounds

like that's my cup of tea. I think I just need to get some more experience and get some technical experience and all of that but

Crystal (16:41)
Yeah, I mean, I've climbed a few of the peaks here in Washington and I love mountaineering. I feel like I'm just, a little too lazy for it in that just all the prep that it takes, and the packing and the repacking and the planning and the, mean, I can just put on my shoes and go running. Like I put on my vest, I have to throw in some snacks and some water.

McKenzie Piland (17:02)
Yeah.

Crystal (17:05)
and I can run, right? And I love mountaineering. I absolutely love the struggle to get up the mountain, the teamwork, the views, just everything about it. I love it, but it's not as accessible as, to me, not as accessible as running. I mean, it's still there and I'll still do it, but it's not, it won't be the thing. Running will be the thing.

McKenzie Piland (17:20)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think I, I actually think I prefer the like bigger events that take a lot of planning because there's a there's a part of me that gets a lot out of that piece of it, you know, personally. And so yeah, anyways, a little side tangent, but yeah, no, I'm I'd love to try it someday and hopefully we'll get there. But as of now, I'll just keep doing my backpacking thing.

Crystal (17:45)
Yep. Yeah, that's great.

That's great and I still backpack. mean like that is still a thing I love to do and I'm planning and right now planning a trip with my sister and a few friends to hike a section about half of the John Muir Trail north from like the middle like well Reds Meadows where I will go in. Not Reds Meadows, I'm Vermillion Valley VVR Resort and hike north to Yosemite.

McKenzie Piland (17:57)
you

Crystal (18:20)
And I love the planning I'm doing. I'm like, got the itinerary, I got the packing list, I got the maps, I got the... So it's been a lot of fun. We love doing that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

McKenzie Piland (18:26)
Yep. You guys are going to have a blast. That's a beautiful, beautiful section of

that trail. It'll be amazing. So Crystal, I'd love for you to share. We've talked about how just awesome the outdoors are and how much it gives us, but would love for you to share kind of how Christ plays a role in your time in the outdoors.

Crystal (18:38)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, so I would say that it's like outside I sense God's presence and I sense his peace and it's like I can forget the world, like I talked about how moving through the woods and even just sitting somewhere, it's like I can forget about the world around me and just bask in like that love and that...

presence, not that I can't feel his presence in other places. I certainly can, but for me, just outside and part of what it is is I'm a verbal processor. And so I always have a lot of words either coming out of my mouth or running through my mind. And it's like I can spend, if I spend a few hours out on the trail, I run out of words. And at some point I feel myself just listening and just like,

the steps and even sometimes all I'm doing is I'm counting my steps, I count my steps. Cause it's like there's just a lot of times going up hills, it's like, okay, a hundred steps or whatever. but then I can just listen to that kind of that's the voice that's quiet because now my mind has kind of run out of things to say. And ideally I'd like to be able to just quiet my mind. And I think it does help me to do that on our.

at other times too, right? To say, okay, I know how to do this. I know what it feels like to just listen, but being outside makes it just happen more naturally and more easily for me. Yeah. Yeah.

McKenzie Piland (20:21)
Yeah, I love what

you said there about you eventually run out of things to say to yourself and you can just listen. And I think that's going to be really helpful to somebody. You know, I think as we talk about this topic, we we've all gone out and we've done, you know, little bit outdoors, but there really does become this point where.

Crystal (20:26)
Yeah.

McKenzie Piland (20:40)
your thoughts do quiet down. And I think there's so many people who think like, that's not possible. Or, you know, you don't know my mind or, you know, like, I got I got a lot going on in there. And it's like, there's just something about it that I always say, like, recalibrates us. Like, we have those thoughts and we have a lot of thoughts. But then at some point, our brain just starts thinking about like, OK, what's important?

Crystal (20:45)
Yeah. Yep.

you

Yeah.

McKenzie Piland (21:05)
how can this actually come to fruition? It gets very practical in the outdoors, which I feel like doesn't happen always in our normal environment. so, yeah, that's just really helpful. And then you have the space to be able to listen and to just also focus on, oh, okay, that's not important right now. Chunk that one out the window instead of just ruminating on it for a long time.

Crystal (21:10)
Yep.

you

Mm-hmm.

McKenzie Piland (21:34)
That's really helpful. I would love for you to share a story about a way in which maybe God has revealed himself to you or spoken to you through the outdoors.

Crystal (21:42)
Yeah, so I feel like I can often hear God saying to me, it's almost like, it's not, know, like, he's saying hush, or it's okay, you know, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be angry, just kinda let me be here with you even though you're having all of these.

thoughts and all this stuff going on. And over the years, I've gone through a lot of things. And there was a time when I was really struggling and I was just thinking about how I don't want to be here anymore. I hate this world. I hate all the suffering. I don't want to suffer. I hate what other people do to other people and just the evil in the world and all that.

And I did what I normally do, which is I'm outside and I'm hiking and I'm working hard and I'm just telling God how sad I am and how angry I am. And this particular day I was a hike to a waterfall and I don't even remember, it was in Alaska. And I just remember climbing and working really hard and getting to close to the top. And there's a spot where you could kind of go out on some rocks and

and just sitting there and like I wasn't having any thoughts of like I could throw myself yeah I wasn't trying to and hurt myself or in my life I just sat there and it was like the waterfall was so loud and I couldn't hear anything you know how does it especially if they're really roaring you can't hear a thing there's nothing and so and I just cried and I was just crying and at some point I just

slowly felt this calmness come over me. And God does that to me a lot. This is just one example. But it's like, I'm crying and I'm crying out and I'm begging God for whatever it is for peace, for anything. And then it just kind of begins to settle, right? And that time spent there, not thinking about anything else, just experiencing that.

the loud waterfall and the water flowing over and the pools down below. And I just felt this assurance that he was there and he's always been there and he always will be there. And it just brought me great comfort just to know, like I felt the presence of God and I get better at feeling the presence of God in other places.

I really can feel it out there, especially in times when life is hard. It's like he really brings it and makes himself more known to me through the hard life, which I wish it wasn't that way, but that's how it is. If you want to feel God's presence sometimes, it's gotta hurt.

McKenzie Piland (24:16)
you

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I think, you know, we as humans are just stubborn, right? And so we actually, if when things are good, we tend to, you know, kind of step away and not rely on him as much. And so there is, you know, unfortunately, this like, we we have to need him a little bit. And sometimes that comes through some hard things. And so I think he's like you said, he's always there and

Crystal (24:47)
for true.

McKenzie Piland (24:49)
He always wants to be there, but you know, just as humans, get stuck in our ways and we can say hello when we want to and we can keep on moving and trucking when we don't want to. So it's part of the human experience, unfortunately, but it's just...

Crystal (24:51)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Right,

McKenzie Piland (25:07)
I wish there was a way that we could not be that way. You know, and that we could, you know, and we, think we all try, you know, to, to call on him and to lean on him and everything, but there's definitely a humbling experience when we actually do need him and we figure out what that looks like real quick. But thank you so much for sharing that and just.

Crystal (25:11)
Yeah.

It's it's true. Yep. Yeah.

McKenzie Piland (25:30)
And I'm just in these stories, I'm always reminded of just the kindness of God and just how in those moments of despair, he is just so kind to just, you know, almost like put his hand on your shoulder and just say, it's going to be OK. You know, I'm here. Regardless of how we've been with him in relationship up until that point, too, which is crazy.

Crystal (25:44)
Yeah.

with you.

It's true. He is

faithful. I mean, that is one thing that's just really, I think it's great when you discover it younger, but there's something about having experienced his faithfulness many, many, many times over that really hits home how faithful he is, no matter how unfaithful we are. yeah, it's true.

McKenzie Piland (26:16)
Yeah. That's so good.

So I would love for you to share with the listeners. I know that you live in Washington. I don't believe you live in a very big, big place. Very small town. But just kind of how, you know, we've talked about going out on these hikes. We've talked about some of these big peaks in Washington going on backbiking trips, but we'd love for you to share just how listeners can start connecting with God.

Crystal (26:28)
No, small town, ⁓

Mm.

McKenzie Piland (26:44)
through his creation on an everyday basis, maybe if it's just, you know, doing something around your house or your home.

Crystal (26:51)
Yeah, so I would say, I mean love this because a lot of times we feel like access is the problem, right? And in some cases it really is. So I'm not belittling that, but what I would say is...

If you're in this, especially in urban environments, if you just find some sort of green space, and I know like the city of Seattle is really good about, they have like lots of parks and lots of places you can go. They have an arboretum. have, and there's free, these are free places. So, you know, just find them. I mean, if you can't get to a place where there's a lot of trees, just find a local park or somewhere you can walk to and.

And just be there. If you can't run or walk, then just sit there and spend some time listening. Listen for birds. Listen for the rustle of leaves. Listen for people talking. know, people are God's creation too. You know, just paying attention to your surroundings outside with the sunlight or the rain or the weather or something that there's just something about that. And

And then just look for beauty. If you look for it, you'll find it. And whether it's a crumpled up dried leaf or a frozen little pond with like cool fern ice crystals, or a daisy growing through a crack in the sidewalk, or like, I love, I just marvel at how a tree can grow in an urban place and just like push things, like the roots.

You see this on the trails more, but like their roots can just crack through rocks and, and, know, just pay attention some time outside. mean, ideally moving if you can, but if you can't move much, then just be out there and it, and create that habit of going out, you know, every day or, you know, 10 minutes outside is, is huge. but if you can spend a little more time, that's great too. Yeah.

McKenzie Piland (28:46)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, Crystal, switching gears into the title of this podcast, My Valley, His Victory, would love for you to share a valley or season wilderness that you experienced and just what God taught you or prepared you for in that season.

Crystal (29:02)
Yeah, so I thought about this because I knew this question was coming. You know, I'm old enough to have had lots of valleys and some really, really hard times, but also really great times. But one I can, I felt like I could share is that I around

One of my daughters, when she was about 19 or 20, she basically denounced me as a mother and said, I was a horrible mom. I didn't deserve to be anyone's mother, anyone's grandmother. And she said that she had some friends that she was spending time with that told her that, you know, God said that I had been abusing her when she was younger and she just couldn't remember and there was evidence, but she wasn't ready to see it. So was like this weird.

situation and she basically just disappeared from my life, our lives, for like 10 years. And for eight of those years or so, seven or eight, I didn't even know where she was or if she was alive. I had heard maybe she had moved to Washington, but I wasn't sure, and this was while we were in Alaska. But I had no idea. didn't, she had completely cut us off. And so,

I was heartbroken, I mean for years. I agonized over all the ways I failed as a mother. Like I just, you know, I know I wasn't perfect and I did the best I, you know, now I can look back and I can say, you know, I wasn't perfect, but I did the best I could with the tools that I have. was a young mom. For a lot of the years I was a single mom. And...

you know, and I can, I look back and I can say, yeah, sure, I could have prayed more. I could have asked more questions. It could have been more disciplined, less disciplined. It was like there was no winning, right? And I literally spent days, hours in tears and begging God and like, what did I do? How could this happen? We did all the things we knew to do and we prayed and we taught them God's word and blah, blah, blah.

And over time, God reassured me that, oops, sorry, that I was a good mom, that he surrounded me with friends and family and they all reassured me. But in my heart, in my mind, I kept going back to every memory, every moment, every argument, hash over in my mind and try to figure out how I could have, what did I do? Was I too mean? Was I too whatever? And...

Anyway, so there was this time when we were, and this just goes to show how God's family, how the body of Christ works in our lives. And there was a time she was still living in the town in Alaska with us, and it was a small, small town. And I felt like I was, had this need to defend myself and say, know.

like tell the story in such a way so that I looked like I was the victim and I was innocent and I was. I mean, I was definitely a victim in this and she was too in other ways. But anyway, a friend of mine at church came up to me after church one time and she said, she said, have this verse that God shared with me that he wants me to share with you. It's Exodus 14, 14.

And it's, the Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still. And that just hit, just hit me in the heart. And it was like, Oh, okay. I don't have to do this anymore. It was, it was literally like that. Like I could just exhale and I didn't have to, I didn't have to worry. Like God was going to take care of it. And no, he's not going to make everything better.

but I didn't have to fight anymore and I could just rest and see his work, his salvation. I mean, that's the story of where the Israelites are running from the Egyptians and they come up to the Red Sea and their way is blocked and they don't see any way out of it. And God says this, he says, I'll fight for you, just hang on, just be still. And he did and they were able to see his salvation and see what he was capable of in their lives.

So that just really allowed me to take some breaths and I began to spend a lot of time in the Psalms. It was like, you know, especially like the ones where David is full of sorrow and he's full of fearing for his life and he feels attacked from all sides. you know, sometimes I think, well, maybe it would have been good for me to read the more joyful Psalms. And, you know, I was doing some of that, but it was like, there was something about reading.

these songs like the one, you know, how is it the, you know, my bed is drenched in tears, you know, the crying, the sorrow, and it was like something about that connection through time to this man of God, through God's word that he suffered too and that God suffered too, you know, and.

way more than me, but there's not even a comparison. It's more like he knows, and there's this connection, and a connection to David, a physical person that lived on this earth, and Jesus who lived on this earth. And it just brought me huge comfort reading those words. And then also how God eventually does answer. mean, David cried out, why aren't you answering me? Why don't you hear me? Why don't you save me?

It's like, I'm doing that too. It's okay to do that. It's okay because it's in God's word. That's something that King David, man after God's own heart did, right? So that just brought like this huge over, and it's years, like I said, I I didn't hear from her for eight years. And slowly over time, know, I would have days where it was really hard. I'd go through weeks of depression and just,

But I began to slowly just keep turning to him and I began to rest in him more and more. And sure, my heart was still broken and I had really bad times, like the time I mentioned about the waterfall. And there were weeks I didn't even wanna go on. I would just find myself yelling, screaming at God, asking why, begging for restoration, fantasizing about getting to have her back again. And I finally got to a place where I was like, you know.

God loves me and God loves Anna and he's doing something here and I don't know what it is and I may never see the final restoration. In fact, I will see it. I'll see it in the resurrection when God makes everything right again, right? And he doesn't just, it's not like, I mean, he talks about, the world is wiped away, the tears are wiped away and there's no more crying and there's no more tears, but it's

more than that, it's like the things that were bad are now good, will then be good. And it's like, I can't even comprehend that. But I just have to say, that's what brought me the comfort was knowing that God is doing something here. I can't understand it. But that wasn't the end. About eight years ago, she called me one day, just like, I think there'd been some...

like messaging with a mutual friend who is saying, Anna thinks she might want to reach out to you, she's afraid. I was like, please give her my number, know, tell her, because I had no way to contact her. And so one day she called me and she was like, can you come get me? Like literally, and she was like, I'm in Vancouver. And I was, that's only four hours away.

and I dropped everything and I drove down there and I picked her up and you know that there's that first like that hug that like this is all the joy, all the sadness, everything coming together and just like this, like my daughter is back and she's with me and I know we talk about like that,

the story of the prodigal son. And yeah, I think of that a lot. And you read about the reunion, you know, that first embrace and hug, that power, the hope, the joy that's there and what the father does for the son. But we don't really talk about the life that they had together after that. And, you know, who knows what it was, but it's not easy.

to bring back into your life, to have back when it's like you're cut off and then 10 years later, you're picking up again and in between in that 10 years, who knows what kind of trauma she went through? And the more I hear, the worse it is. It's just like, so she can't help but be a different person and I'm a different person. And it was hard, it's still hard. It's still...

McKenzie Piland (37:09)
you

Crystal (37:35)
You know, mean, we are still in contact and I love her and you know, she is, she's still, like, I get to hug my daughter, she lives nearby. I mean, there are just so many wonderful things about it. But for a time, right after she was back, she was living with us for a while, and like, there were days I was just like, okay, Lord. It's like, I...

I know you're doing something here and thank you so much for bringing her back, but this is really painful. And it's like she was, you know, it was just, it was just painful because I had, for 10 years I had worked, I had gone through this and it was this dull, it had moved to kind of this dull ache with these occasional upheavals and all of a sudden it's in my face again, every day, everything, every thought, all the things. And.

That was hard and there were times I was like, okay, it was easier when she wasn't here. Not that, because it wasn't, I mean, it doesn't matter what was easier. It was better that she was home, but man, it was a struggle. And slowly over time, our relationship is slowly getting better. I mean, we're gaining trust, we're learning to trust each other. And I just pray that God will bring her back.

to him in a way that's real to her and that she will sense God's presence and love in her heart because right now it's probably for her, I can only imagine, just wondering why me, why all this happened, and know, because I know, because I've been there, the wondering and the thinking that God's punishing me for some reason or picking on me for some reason and I would like her to experience God's love.

And yeah, and so, you know, that's part of my life, but it's something I wouldn't give up in the sense that it has brought me, like, with, when I'm out hiking and when I'm hiking with other people, I am amazed at the number of times, that's one of the things that hiking does, is you get to talk if you're with someone for many hours, right?

and you can start talking and there's a lot of walls that get broken down. And how many times I've been able to share that story, just, you know, even just a summary of it and hear from other moms.

How did you get through that? What did you, you know, like my, or my child is, I'm dealing with something similar or there was just these ways and like you're, you know, just your podcast, you know, we're gonna comfort each other with the comfort that we've been comforted with, you know, and it's like, it's the same and I can provide, I can say, here's what I did and here's how God helped me and you know, it may never get better in this world, but it will be better.

in the end. yeah, so that's where it's at.

McKenzie Piland (40:18)
Yeah,

well thank you so much for sharing that. I have a lot of questions, but I'm gonna try my hardest to keep them practical. ⁓ But just me and wow, I I can't even imagine what that season was like, but I have, you know, in some capacity.

Crystal (40:25)
Okay, that's okay. It's okay. It's Yeah.

McKenzie Piland (40:38)
experience through my parents a little bit of some of that story in just them being

them being maybe accused, maybe that's right word of things that they didn't do, you know? And so, you know, just really love, love to hear a little bit about that and, not even necessarily the specifics, just like how you don't go into this super defensive mode and kind of practically, you know, your, your children are, are blaming you and

Crystal (40:49)
You

McKenzie Piland (41:13)
making up stories like what do do with that?

Crystal (41:16)
What do you do?

Well, a couple things. occasionally early on, you before she stopped talking to me, there would be accusations about specific things. One example would be, you know, you kept the letters that my dad would write to me and you never let me see them. And so that...

to me was not easy, but that's just a stark example of, no, I know that's not true. Because not only do I not remember doing it, it goes against my character to do that. so, and that was, in some ways that's relying on me, but in some ways it's like God reminding me, like, no, there's a person you are that would not do that thing, right? I mean, you

Yeah, I'm sure there's, cannot, we're all capable of sin and we're all capable of hurting others. But I could say that and so that was something and there were things that would be said and I'd be like, nope, I know that's not true. And then there's things where I'm like, I don't remember or I could see how she would see it that way. And I just had to trust that indeed I made mistakes. There were times like,

An example would be, I worked really hard not to tell my kids, especially my girls, that there was anything wrong with their body. This was a thing for me. It was important for me to know that they were beautiful the way they were. And I tried really hard not to say anything about that, but I suffered from, I don't don't call it body dysmorphia or whatever, but.

And I realized that I said things like, I would look in the mirror and I would say something about me being fat. I'm fat, my pants are too tight. And I realized that that later, I realized how much that affected their thinking when they heard me say that. And so I think part of it is knowing what you need to reject as false and then also being able to accept what you did do that wasn't right or that was a mistake or that was just.

done out of ignorance, you know, and being able to just say, yep, and claim and accept that and take responsibility for it and be sorry for it if you need to be. And just being able to trust that God is working even my mistakes and even my sin and my inability into some sort of plan that he has that I don't understand. And so...

I think that's a big part of it, is just accepting my weakness, knowing that God is strong and God is the one who will do the work. And through all the things that I went through as a child, he has made me the person I am. And so I just don't know. And so I kind of have to say, yep, I don't know. So I'm gonna trust you.

McKenzie Piland (44:07)
Yeah, yeah, no, that's helpful. Thank you for those couple of examples and you know that it can be, no, I didn't do that. That is solely false. Or also that maybe wasn't my intentions, but there were things that maybe.

you know, that you could have interpreted, you know, in a certain way. And so I think that's really, really helpful because maybe you didn't say anything to her specifically, but you were, you know, talking to yourself that way. And there were things that got seen through a different lens, maybe, you know, than yours, which is always, you know, helpful. Yeah.

Crystal (44:28)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes I was just wrong. Like, it happens.

So, no.

McKenzie Piland (44:51)
Yes,

yes, yes, yes. So I want to kind of go back to that phone call and just the like, hey, you know, 10 years, she had, you know, been kind of dragging you through the mud, you know, is what I'm going to say.

Crystal (44:57)
yeah.

McKenzie Piland (45:05)
How were you able to, know, just, hey, yeah, I'm here, I'll go. And, you know, have that beautiful embrace and that like, I love you, I'd do anything for you. With also probably this like,

righteous anger, you know, at the same time. I'm just thinking of, you know, people in that scenario of like

Crystal (45:26)
Yeah.

McKenzie Piland (45:31)
Yeah, I would love for you to just share a little bit of like the push and the pull of that.

Crystal (45:38)
Yeah, so well first off, she was my, she's my girl. She's my baby, my daughter, my child who called me. And like nothing else mattered in that moment. Even in the drive down there, I drove by myself. It was like, I just, it was a miracle. And I just saw it as that and

just like in the story of the prodigal son. It's like she was dead and now she's alive. And I think having all those years of processing and trusting God and being surrounded by loving people, it made it possible. It brought my heart to this place where I didn't hate her. I didn't have

I had already forgiven her for the things that were, the ways that she hurt me specifically. And I was really just in this place of...

understanding and seeing her brokenness and knowing that even if she wasn't my daughter

every person is broken and people who are hurtful and ugly towards each other, that's usually the case as well. Like there's a brokenness, there's a heartbreak there somewhere. And there's pain and there's suffering. of course all the things are going through my mind. What am I gonna say? What is she gonna look like? All that stuff, I don't know and think part of it is just the Lord.

had worked on me for so many years and whittled away at all the hard edges. I've always been kind of a sensitive person. I cry easy, I laugh a lot. And so I don't know that bitterness was necessarily something that came easily to me. It's there, it can happen, but I like the feeling of not being bitter.

McKenzie Piland (47:02)
Mm.

Crystal (47:24)
You know, I like to have joy. like to and I also like I like crying I mean crying makes me feel better but Anyway, so I think that that not that it was easy but that God somehow Made it possible for me to not have a lot of bitterness towards her so Yeah, that's kind of the back-and-forth on that but you know, it's like our children Sometimes I think God

McKenzie Piland (47:28)
Thank

Yeah.

Crystal (47:49)
This isn't even answering your question. This is totally separate. But I feel like there was a point where my children may have been, probably were an idol to me. And not just the people, the children as people, but this ideal that I had in my mind of what a family looks like, how children should be and the relationships that moms and daughters should have, et cetera, et cetera. And I don't believe...

McKenzie Piland (48:06)
Mm.

Crystal (48:14)
It's possible that God took that away from me to show me that, but it's also possible that that is just a fact. And the thing that happened helped me see that. So, yeah.

McKenzie Piland (48:22)
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. No, thank you

for sharing that. And I think that we all have, different circumstances that lead us to think, a family should look this way or a family should look this way and like really latch onto that. And when that doesn't fit our our experience, you know, that can cause a lot of a lot of heartache.

Crystal (48:37)
Right. ⁓

Yeah.

McKenzie Piland (48:50)
I would love for you to leave the listeners with, know, and I want you to maybe specifically speak to parents who are having children that are not agreeing with, you know, what they're doing or the decisions that they're making or they're, you know, in your, in your same shoes where they're being, you know, accused of being a bad parent or doing certain things. I just love for you to leave them with a

Word of encouragement or a piece of advice to kind of work through that season.

Crystal (49:21)
Yeah, so the first thing I'd say is he's with you. He suffers, he knows what it's like to have children reject him more so than any of us would. And he knows you, he sees you, he loves you. And even though he may not, probably won't take away the suffering, he's with you. And...

So I would say fill your life with his word, with prayer, with people, godly people who love you, and pray for your kids. Ask others to pray for your child. Prayer is a thing. And somehow things change with prayer. And I have a life, a small group that meets at my house.

And we've been meeting together, not always at my house, but I've been with this group since right before Anna showed up. And we prayed, and we prayed a lot, and they still, we prayed together. And you know, don't have to tell all the sort of details. You can just say, I need prayer for this thing. I need to pray for my daughter, and can you pray for my daughter? I mean, those are, I would say, just keep.

the course and then just wait. And that is the hardest thing to say, because you might be your entire life, but there's something about that waiting that allows God to be closer to you. And I can tell you when I was in the middle of it, I didn't always want to hear that, but I had friends who insisted and in loving ways. I mean, they weren't.

And certainly if you have someone in your life who is not loving you and not speaking to you into that situation in a loving way, you need to put those boundaries and don't ask that person, don't trust that person with that particular situation. I think God, I know God puts people in our lives. There's a reason we're called the body of Christ. There's a reason, there's many references in his word to.

the connection with other believers. And that's a big piece. So I mean, there's a lot there, but just really trusting all those pieces that God is in control and that he loves you and.

He knows and he's with you.

McKenzie Piland (51:43)
Yeah, yeah, thank you so much for that. And I know that's gonna be helpful to somebody listening. I feel like I know a lot of families that have gone through something similar, maybe not the 10 year separation, but just being accused of things and for, it's all the parents fault and all of that.

Crystal (51:55)
Yeah.

Yep.

McKenzie Piland (52:09)
I'm gonna say good stuff is not good stuff, but you know, all of that stuff. Yeah.

Crystal (52:11)
Just take it in, just let it be all the parents' fault. I mean, it's really

okay. Like, there's a point where you can just say, that's okay. Like, I'm a big girl and I know, I know what's right, so.

McKenzie Piland (52:23)
Yeah,

yeah, yeah. But I thank you so much and would love for you to leave the listeners with where they can find you and more about your wood burning art online.

Crystal (52:35)
Okay, well, I have a website. There's not much on it right now, but it's mosstangle.com. But you can see, probably get a better example of my art on my Instagram, which is at mosstangle. And I also have a YouTube channel also at mosstangle, where I have in the...

I've uploaded a few tutorial videos and so if you're interested, there's some things there that are available and if you want to kind of learn a little bit about wood burning without committing, you can watch that. yeah, so and just to, for me personally, I have an Instagram page where I do post about my hikes and about...

know what I'm doing outside, photos and stuff, and that's my crystal B outside. That's my mouse tangle handle. So yeah, that's pretty much it.

McKenzie Piland (53:23)
Awesome. Well, Crystal, thank you so much again for being here and for sharing just the story that you did. I know that that had to be a very extremely hard time of your life. And I just really appreciate you being open and vulnerable to share so that you can, you know, do what you said, encourage others and comfort others with the comfort that you've received. So thank you so much.

Crystal (53:32)
It was.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you.